12 minute read
The medical merry-go-round
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Riding the medical merry-go-round
By Richard Strack H ere’s how it goes: A pinched nerve in my back radiates excruciating pain down my left leg. I can’t stand for long and I can’t walk more than a few steps before I have to sit down to relieve what can best be described as a bad toothache getting hit every second by a hammer.
Two emergency room visits sent me home with an MRI diagnosis, four shots and six bottles of prescription pills. An attempt to enjoy my vacation on the east coast failed after three chiropractic visits. Nothing helped take the edge off the pain. The chiropractor, after reviewing the MRI, advised me to see a neurosurgeon.
I made the call in December to schedule the appointment. The first opening wasn’t until May. I called for a different doctor and they set me up with a physician’s assistant (PA). At the time, I didn’t care if he was an auto mechanic wanting to stick a flathead screwdriver through my leg—as long as it killed the nerve pain. I asked the PA for a cortisone shot. He said he wasn’t allowed to authorize it until I had a consultation with the pain management department, which is scheduled for February 12. Then the shot will have to be scheduled, most likely weeks later. My neurosurgeon appointment has now been set for April 9. So I have to bear this pain from December until at least March. I’m told that by that time my body might heal itself.
I MUST PLAN AHEAD Insurance companies that challenge every patient procedure control the medical world. My first doctor told me he was on the phone for 45 minutes convincing an agent to approve of my MRI.
This waiting to get relief makes me think I’d better plan ahead from now on to get a doctor’s appointment when it’s needed. Here’s how making a successful appointment would go. Me: I’d like to make an appointment to see the doctor.
MD
M e d i c a l
M e r r y - G o - R o u n d
INSURANCE
R x
I HAVE TO BEAR THIS PAIN FROM DECEMBER UNTIL AT LEAST MARCH. I’M TOLD THAT BY THAT TIME MY BODY MIGHT HEAL ITSELF. ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼
Office worker (OW): Our first available is May 1. Me: Oh that’s too soon. Do you have anything in July? OW: Too soon? No one has ever said that. What is it that you want to see the doctor about? Me: Oh, I’m fine now, but I might very well have some problems by July.
OW: (laughs) I’m sorry. We only make appointments for those who have medical issues. Me: I might have an issue by then. Besides, if I have a problem in July and call then, you’ll tell me the next available will be in September sometime. OW: So you’re planning on having a problem? Me: I plan ahead for everything. Got long-term care insurance for a nursing home. Picked out my grave plot, too, and paid for that. OW: (laughs) Well, good for you, but making an appointment in July when you might not need to see the doctor doesn’t make sense. Me: I have had severe pain and had to wait months to see a doctor. Like I said, I don’t want to have pain and then wait that long. OW: Well, okay then. How’s July 15?
Me: That’s fine. OW: Will you please call and cancel if you don’t need the appointment? Me: Yes, I will, but then I’ll make another one for January just in case.
A BROKEN SYSTEM Now I realize that the system is overwhelmed and there are wonderful doctors doing the very best they can when considering the number of patients they see each week.
An appointment for a specialized doctor is months after you call because they generally have only two days of office visits and are in surgery for the other three. I wonder how many surgeries a doctor performs in a week and if that creates a possibility that he might make a mistake due to exhaustion. I know a cardiologist who says that he and many of his colleagues live on 5-Hour Energy drinks so they can remain alert and focused during long operations.
Staying healthy is an obvious goal, but there is an irony to my life and death. My pension and my Social Security would like to have me die so that would end my benefits. My life insurance company, however, wants me to stay alive—that is, until my term policy expires. Then they get to keep thousands of dollars in paid premiums and I get nothing in return.
Of course, health and long-term care insurance companies want me to drop dead so I don’t cost them a lot of money for long hospital stays. Pharmaceutical companies would like to see me suffer in pain for a long time and need their prescriptions.
So here’s how I can make everyone happy that has a stake in my well-being: Get very sick now. Need multiple prescriptions but stay out of doctor and hospital care so insurance companies don’t have to pay for treatment. Die suddenly right after my term life insurance expires so my beneficiaries don’t get a dime while the company gets to keep my premium money.
If all this happens, big pharma, pension, Social Security and my life insurance should send thank you notes to my survivors.
Meanwhile, I better call my dentist and make an appointment for next fall in case this tooth in the back of my mouth needs a root canal. ■
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GONE FOR GOOD Submitted by Bob Breazeale The wives of two rednecks are talking over coffee. Mary: “John and I had a really big fight. I think he has left me for good this time,” Jane: “Don’t say that. You’ve had fights before.” Mary: “Yes, but this time he took his bowling ball with him.”
BACHELORS Submitted by Chris Carol Two bachelors named Larry and Frank went out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office to sports and then to cooking.
“I got a cook book once,” Larry said, “but I couldn’t do anything.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” Frank said. Larry nodded. “Everyone of those recipes started off the same way: Take a clean plate.”
SUCCESS IS... Submitted by Teresa Kane At age 4 success is not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is having friends. At age 17 success is having a driver’s license. At age 35 success is saving money. At age 50 success is having money. At age 70 success is having a driver’s license. At age 75 success is having friends. At age 80 success is not piddling in your pants.
TRUTH HURTS Submitted by Jeremy Splude Great truths that little children have learned: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.
Great truths that adults have learned: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Great truths about growing old: 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
ADRC
FINGERPRINTS Submitted by Bob Breazeale Gunny sergeant Wagner’s new Marine recruits have just finished another session on the rifle range and are getting into formation to march back to camp.
The gunny turns to his corporal and says, “That private Smith is a very good marksman. Where is he from?”
The corporal replies, “From a very rough area of Chicago.”
Gunny Wagner replies, “That explains why he wipes his fingerprints off the rifle after every session.” CURED! Submitted by Susan Capps An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”
Dr. Young, who was positive the old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Dr. Young: Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me? Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put three drops in Dr. Young’s mouth. Dr. Young: Aaagh! This is gasoline!
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young was annoyed and went back after a couple of days, figuring he’d recover his money. Dr. Young: I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything. Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth. Dr. Young: Oh, no you don’t! That’s gasoline! Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1,000 back (gives him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: But this is only $10! Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.
GOLF BALLS Submitted by Bill Chaplin A man got on the bus with his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?” ■
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