Everyone Needs a Will . . . Even the Young

James Spack

There are two certainties in life, one is birth and the other is death. Both have a celebration and a gathering of friends and family. Both events inspire emotions in our lives . . . happiness with a newborn child or sadness in the case of death.

The natural order of life is parents pass away before their children. As parents, we nurture, love, educate, and care for our children for many years as we watch them grow into young adults with the hope that someday, they too will become parents, completing what is commonly called “the Circle of Life.”

But when the natural order is altered, either through illness or accident, parents endure the greatest hardship of all, the death of their child. I joined that group of parents 2 years ago last July, when my 29-year-old daughter passed away after a year-long struggle with cancer.

When Sydney was young, our family trips to China, England, Ireland, and the Jersey Channel Islands sparked her sense of adventure, leading her postgrad to South East Asia and Australia on a solo journey that had been her dream for many years.

Sydney was in the prime of her life. She met her soulmate Darragh while travelling in Cambodia and they ended up living in Sydney, Australia. After a year together, the couple took a Christmas trip to Ireland to meet his family.

In early 2019 while living and working in Australia, Sydney began feeling unwell. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Her diagnosis brought her home to Vancouver to live with my wife Mary and me.

It was a challenging time. She started radiation and chemotherapy. When her results continued to come back with increasingly serious results, I don’t think she was ready to hear it; she had no point of reference that would have allowed her to accept the severity of that type of news.

Sydney didn’t accept the fact that her cancer was terminal and did everything in her power to fight the inevitable. The cancer metastasized early and her treatments became life-extending rather than life-saving.

I had long accepted the eventuality of her passing and knew that at any time things would take a turn for the worse. We managed at home for a while. Several trips to

Sydney 2014 Carlton University Graduation, BA: Environmental Studies

emergency, and an extended stay in the hospital, made it clear that Sydney needed to be admitted to the local Victoria Hospice in the Richmond Pavilion at Royal Jubilee Hospital where they could help her manage her complex symptoms and pain.

I know she didn’t want to go. It was hard for her to be moving to a place where people were dying when all she wanted was to get better and live many more years.

Due to complications and the need for postsurgery monitoring, Sydney’s end-of-life care took place in acute care at Victoria’s Royal Jubilee Hospital with the constant support of the Palliative Care Team. She received the gifts of kindness and compassion from the staff and had the care she truly needed. We were touched by their genuine and amazing dedication.

I am sure parents living with and caring for their children, as they fight for their lives with a terminal disease, struggle with helping their child prepare for their passing. I know it was the hardest thing to broach the subject, never mind complete the work.

Having been executor for both my parents, whose Wills and legal affairs were up to date, I knew what had to be done. But this was different . . . this was my daughter and she was not ready to talk about dying or anything to do with it. That included her Will. That discussion just wasn’t part of her daily mindset.

Of all the responsibilities we have as a parent, beyond all the decisions and advice we provided in their lives, having our children create a Will so their affairs can be wound up in an orderly fashion is so important and necessary.

As Sydney’s health deteriorated and her medications were increased to bring comfort and rest, I consulted my friend and BC Notary to ask for help to prepare her Will. I knew it would be a difficult time emotionally, when I would be needed to perform the least desirable duty as a parent, but it was one duty I felt obliged to do.

Some children and young adults are able to accept their fate and communicate and share stories and memories with their parents, helping them transition to accepting the day their child will pass. But my daughter would not do that and I suspect many young adults fall into that category.

Sydney and I never talked about her dying. She spoke only of getting better, living her life with her partner, and someday maybe being a parent herself. I wish I could have shared a few stories and relived the happy times. I wish I could have laughed one more time with her.

I wish I knew where to spread Sydney’s ashes—where that happy place would be. But I was able to do what is the most important step—secure her wishes and complete the signing of her Will. That allowed me to carry out my duty as her executor and her father. Getting the Will signed brought me some much-needed peace of mind.

Sydney 2017 Pilates Studio Office Manager, West Vancouver

Sydney did finally acknowledge the extent of her condition and calmly drifted into a peaceful, life-ending sleep. She passed away comfortably in Palliative Care with her partner and her family present. Our brave and loving daughter, sister, and partner Sydney was in a wonderful place for her final days of life.

The last night I spent in the hospital, we had only a few moments when Sydney was awake. Her last words to me were, “I love you, Dad.” That’s the best wish anyone can have fulfilled, to be loved . . . and I was.

Hoping Sydney would make it to her next treatment, Mary and I had signed onto a waiting list for a care dog to support Sydney. News of the pup’s birth came within days of Sydney’s passing.

Mary and I proceeded with the adoption and brought home Dylan, a bouncy black Wheaton TerrierPoodle—a ray of light at the end of a dark tunnel. We feel like a hole in our hearts is being filled. He is most loving and affectionate and he lifts our spirits daily with his playful antics. I believe Dylan has Sydney’s spirit in his wee soul.

Dylan at 10 weeks young

I trust that sharing our family’s care journey will ease the fear and mystery about palliative and end-oflife care for patients and caregivers finding themselves on a similar path. s James Spack is a former Technology and Marketing Consultant to the BC Notaries Association.