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Fitz to build giant border fence
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April Fools Day, 2011
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Mayors Paul Soglin and Dave Cieslewicz celebrate their victory. by Kurly MurlyNurly THE DIRTY BIRD
Angry over how 14 Democrats left the state in protest of a union busting bill, Senate Majority Leader Jeff (or Scott?) Fitzgerald announced a plan Tuesday that would put a fence around the state of Wisconsin in order to keep renegade Wisconsin senators where they belong. The proposal, estimated to cost “less than a fast train but more than Capitol building damage” by one LRB (or LFB?) official, would be constructed in the south between Kenosha and Dubuque, Iowa, and in the
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Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s deal would sell Madison to an excited Illinois while moving the entire Capitol building to Brookfield.
Walker announces sale of Madison to Illinois by Colin Londistance THE DIRTY BIRD
In an attempt to solve Wisconsin’s budget and political crisis in one blow, Gov. Scott Walker announced Thursday night he has struck a deal to sell Madison to Illinois. Walker attributed his decision to Madison’s recent political upheaval and liberal history, which he said is more common for a blue state like Illinois than a newly-formed red state like Wisconsin. “By selling Madison to Illinois, we can ensure Wisconsin’s future as a permanently Republicanheld state,” Walker said from a secret tunnel beneath M&I Bank. “This will work as a tool to keep Wisconsin open for business and help us create 250,000 new jobs.” Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn applauded Walker’s deal from his bunker under Soldier Field in Chicago. “Governor Walker’s generosity has gifted Illinois with one of America’s most beautiful and productive cities,” Quinn said. “I have no idea why the hell he would hate Madison so much, but I’ll take the deal anyway.” Since Wisconsin’s capital city will now belong to Illinois, Walker
also said he plans to move the Capitol’s physical structure on a semi-truck down Interstate 94 to the Brookfield Country Club. Popular radio talk show host Vicki McKenna said she found decision inspiring. “I don’t play golf, but all of those damn Commies sleeping at the Capitol hate it because it’s the game of the bourgeoisie,” McKenna said as she beat her puppy with a Bible. “Anything to piss off those socialist bastards without birth certificates is better for a wholesome, Christian America.” Madison Mayor Dave Cieslewicz, a Packer fan and lifelong Wisconsin citizen, said he was surprised by Walker’s decision but welcomes the opportunity to collect Illinois’ higher taxes. Cieslewicz added he plans to use the opportunity to take more international bicycling trips originating at Chicago’s O’Hare airport. “Maybe now that we’re part of Illinois we’ll finally get a highspeed rail line to the airport,” Cieslewicz said. “I could probably fly to Amsterdam and back in the time it takes for Alder Thuy PhamRemmele to give a speech on the Council floor.”
“We thought about fencing the Mississippi River, the St. Croix River and Lake Michigan, but everybody knows Democrats can’t swim, or afford boats. I mean; they can probably float on doors, I guess.” Scott (or Jeff) Fitzgerald Senate Majority Leader northwest, between Duluth, Minn., and the small town of Swiss, Wis., on the Minnesota border. “We thought about fencing the Mississippi River, the St. Croix River and Lake Michigan, but everybody knows Democrats can’t swim,” Fitzgerald said.“Or afford boats. I mean; they can probably float on doors, I guess.” When asked why Republicans didn’t want to fence the Wisconsin-Michigan border, Fitzgerald gave a puzzled look and asked, “Wisconsin borders Michigan?” Some Democrats took the news well. “That’s just good government,” said Sen. Fred Risser, D-Madison. Others took on a more aggressive approach. “We’ll dig under every fence, float on every door, beg for money until we can afford a plane ticket,” said Rep. Brett Hulsey, D-Madison.“God help us; we will leave this state if we want to.” When it was pointed out to Hulsey that he was a member of the Assembly, and not the Senate, and therefore not the target of Fitzgerald’s new legislation, he explained he didn’t understand the difference, then fired an aide.
Madison’s 2 mayors by Amy Zorpahl THE DIRTY BIRD
MADISON,WI [The fuckin’ future!!!111] — As the results came in Tuesday evening, progressives and progressives alike flooded into the streets of Madison to proclaim,“Wait, what?” as incumbent Mayor Dave Cieslewicz and challenger Paul Soglin somehow split the vote like, seriously, right down the middle, prompting a weird double mayor deal, I don’t know. While many predicted the race to be close given the experience and bold vision of each candidate, few in the media or the general public bothered to note the redundancy of even holding a race between the two nearly identical candidates. With a focus on economic development, strengthening ties with neighborhoods throughout the city and standing up to Gov. Scott Walker and the state’s Republican-controlled Legislature, the campaign of Cieslewicz and/or Soglin drew considerable support even prior to the primaries. But many voters, particularly those
in the city of Madison, were impressed by Cieslewicz’s or Soglin’s track record of strong leadership in office or the Edgewater Hotel project or Monona Terrace or something. “I feel that because of his having served in this capacity before, he’ll be an able leader in the coming years,” Ald. Bryon Eagon, District 8, said about one or probably both of them. Details are yet to be finalized regarding exactly how the office will be administered, though University of Wisconsin political science professor Charles Franklin said the situation is not entirely unheard of. “It’s what’s known in the political world as a Thunderdome,” Franklin said.“It’s pretty simple really:Two mayors enter, one mayor leaves.” “Two mayors enter! One mayor leaves! Two mayors enter! One mayor leaves!” he added, pumping his fists into the air. Neither Cieslewicz nor Soglin were available for comment as of press time at 10 p.m., as they were too busy highfiving each other at an undisclosed location.
UW secedes from United States by Mitch THE DIRTY BIRD
University of Wisconsin Chancellor Biddy Martin, in apparent frustration with the Board of Regents, announced the flagship school of the UW System will set sail and secede from these United States. “Fuck it,” Martin rtin said between bugles atop a cavalry avalry horse on Bascom Hill.“We’ve We’ve tried to reason with them, em, establish the UW’s supremacy macy and need for separation, and they still want to treat at us all equally. We are the superior school!” l!” This announcement sent shockwaves through the Board of Regents, with President Kevin n Reilly vowing the Regents will not let UW leave quietly — reverting Camp p Randall Stadium m back to an Armyy training camp and using that one cannon
that’s still out back if necessary. Gov. Scott Walker also expressed his dismay at seeing UW leave the Union. “Seriously Biddy?! C’mon, at least let me sell you guys off,” Walker said, a suspicious glint growing in his eye.“I bet I could make a tidy profit off of you guys. Yes, a very tidy profit indeed…” However, other government supportive leaders were supportiv of
Martin’s proposal, in a manner of speaking. Longtime UW critic Rep. Steve Nass, R-Whitewater, w was seen doing heel clicks click on the Capitol lawn and trying to start a chant of “hey hey hey, goodbye.” No word yet if the Bascom Hill Abe Lincoln statue will attempt to intervene in the conflict.
TODAY: Slight chance of Butt Secks hi You know it! / lo 12
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Campus Life
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Who to blame Editor in Chief
Bonkerz the Toy Poodle
Managing Editor
Yours Truly
News Editor
Danny Glover’s
Campus Editor
Emilio Franklin
CRYSTAL BETH A Diamond in the Rough
skeleton
-Billingslysmith Steve, from
City Editor
Lakeshore State Editor
Homestar Runner
Arts Editors
Billie Jean, who’s not my lover
Sports Editors
Food Editor
Copy Chief
Brueser’s Hair
The Hamburglar
Really? You’re going to ask that? You don’t trust us? Come on, man. But seriously. We don’t have one.
Opinion Editor
Disclaimer: This piece originally ran in 2002. Or sometime in the dark ages. OMG, it’s Sunday and I can’t think of anything to write about (AGAIN! LOL). So in lieu of writing something thought provoking or meaningful I’m going to tell you guys (my faithful readers) about my most recent drunken weekend. That’s all the campus community at this prestigious research university wants, right? But here’s the thing. We’ve all had drunken weekends. We all know what they’re like. So just for fun I’m writing this from the point of view of my cat. That’ll be like, totes lulz! My cat at the beginning of the night: OMG Crystal, I’m supes excited to go out with you! We’re going to have a really Friskies night. And seriously, we both look like Fancy Feasts. I mean, I’m expecting cats to ask for us by name tonight. MEOW! Me: Woah... writing as my cat is hard. I’m going to switch now. From now on, this is just me. Okay, so my BFFs and I started pregaming at my house early in the night, and like my cat told you, we looked foxy.
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Girly Malt Beverage Day: Something tough for bros Mortimer J. Rollerskate So I know you’re thinking what I’m always thinking: It’s tough drinking beer. And whiskey, and rum and all that other stuff that us bros are supposed to like. It hurts going down and it sucks coming back up, especially if it ends up all over Maggie from Witte, who you were totally gonna at least make out with. And we all know that we invented Bros Icing Bros just as an excuse to drink Smirnoff Ices. It’s been long enough, we can let the secret out.
So here’s what we did down in the Dirty Bird dungeon: Ordered three cases of an exciting new product from Australia, Smirnoff Ice Double Black. First, it’s the classic Smirnoff Ice taste the Dirty Bird staff loves, as in you can hardly tell there’s any alcohol in it. Then, just for funsies, they add cola! COLA, MAN! It’s really Coke, but without the trademark for like, legal reasons and stuff. Like, can you say, “two-fer?” Second, it comes in this totes badass black bottle and looks like, all black and tough and stuff. If you hold the bottle right, you can’t even tell it’s not a quote-unquote, real man’s drink. You can just like, enjoy it with your bros while you watch the sports game on the TV-vision or whatever. And I don’t know about you, but meaningless words added on for marketing purposes -- double, in this case -- always get me. If it’s X-Treme, Xtra, or says “advanced formula” anywhere on the packaging, I’m sold. Plus, it’s like 7 percent alcohol, and says so on the bottle so you can totally talk shit back to anybody who calls you a pussy for drinking a malt beverage like you’re a high school girl. Because you’re not a high school girl; you’re a bro. Seriously, bro: This is like a Smirnoff Ice, plus Pixie Stix, plus cola. It’s like alcoholic diabetes fuel. Plus, 7 percent, man, 7 percent. You tell all the haters to back off with their Natty High Life or Spotted Moo Moos or whatever. Yuck. Infinity out of 10, fo’ sho’
Like, uh, foxes. Or sex kittens, or maybe like dolphins, the most majestic of the sea beasts. This was like, an exciting weekend for us because we all finished our really hard communications midterms this week, so we knew the hot mess express had to roll out of the station tonight. Because it was such a big deal, we had like, UV Blue (and Pink Lemonade!), pomegranate vodka and (our favorite) 99 Bananas! I always thought it would be better if it was “99 Bananaz,” like in the song, but I guess they aren’t up on their pop culture. Hello, timeliness! We took like, a bunch of shots because everyone knows you’re more fun at bars when you’re drunk, right? I mean we had like, three each! We can really hold our liquor. And then we went oooout! Sooooooo out. So we got to the bar and guess who was totally there... BROOKS BOLLINGER! [Editor’s note: today’s equivalent would be Scott Tolzien] So my ladies and I were like, we’re on it. For sure one of us was going home with a football star tonight! But not in a slutty way, cuz like, gross. We’re not like that. But before we could get to where he was and start working our best moves (spilling drinks on ourselves, talking about threesomes while giving him pouty faces, that sort of thing) this girl moved in. And seriously, she looked like she was Amish. She was wearing like, jeans and a t-shirt. Gross. Who goes out without putting
themselves all out there? I mean, besides virgins, and that bitch Teri from my accounting discussion. So we were like, obvis upset. My girls were like,“We should mess with her.” And I was totes into it, until the police came in for a bar raid. And you guys know how I’m not quite legal so we ran out the back door. Or in Melissa’s case, the back window. On the second floor. NEway, this is where the night gets really cray-cray. My total BFF really had to pee. Like to the maxorz. And like, nowhere was open. So after looking everywhere for a bathroom, we were like,“Just do it outside! Guys do it right?” The night ended with her squatting in the bushes at the Union asking us to give her back her underwear. We ran away with it, obvi, because BFFs always have to embarrass each other. She might have been hit by a car chasing after us. I don’t know, I was waaaaaasted! I know you can’t hear me, but I’m totally giggling right now, and that’s hard to like, make in words. I had a plan for what my cat was going to say at the end, so I’m switching back now. My cat at the end of the night: Crystal, coming home at 4 a.m.? It looks like the hot mess express took a cross-country trip tonight! You need to get to bed right meow! See how I used meow instead of now? Honestly, that one pun was the inspiration for this whole column. Can you believe it?
sum thinksings April Fools’ Day, 2011
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‘CHEESEY’ CHOICE IN MAYORAL RACE COMES WITH SIDE OF #WINNING In the race for mayor of Madison, one thing is clear: We don’t know what the hell to do. Like, they’re the same person. One, Paul Soglin, is nicer to committees or something, and one, Dave Cieslewicz, might be better for rich people instead of poor people, but really, we don’t really understand the difference. So, rather than sit here and tell you that we don’t know or that we don’t care, we’re going to give
you an option that’s better than both Dave and Paul: Mayor McCheese for mayor. Mayor McCheese, best known for being the mayor of Mcdonaldland from 1971 to 1985, moved to Madison several years ago when the city was considering getting rid of drive thrus. He has since lived on the far east side of Madison in a sub development, and we think he’s ready to get back into politics.
“I may be a meathead, but I think I could figure out that things that create jobs are good and things that cost people more money are bad,” said McCheese, whose reign as mayor of Mcdonaldland was best remembered for increasing the number of cheeseburgers for the child citizens of Mcdonaldland. We do have some reservations, since it’s widely known that Mayor McCheese was reelected in the
1974 McElection only because he bribed the Hamburglar with hamburgers, and the Hamburglar knew a great way to stuff the ballot box. But considering people in Madison think hamburgers and Happy Meals are the devil, we’re pretty sure the Hamburglar will stay far away from here. Or become our food editor. And according to Conan O’Brian, he is a scientologist, and we’re inclined to believe that, and
that’s a little bit weird. But whatever. Also, his head is a giant cheeseburger. The laws of nature as we know them say he should not exist. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Mayor McCheese. He’s the change Madison needs, or at least the one it needs right now, or something. Whatever. Write-in Mayor McCheese.
It’s so sad to say, but rings true: Dirty Bird certainly no primetime offering Bonkerz the Toy Poodle TEH EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
As the Editor-In-Chief of the 13th-most prestigious paper in Madison, people often assume that I am a defender of free speech. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I believe the sinful liberal interpretation of the First Amendment is responsible for the most grave of dangers our country faces today. Poverty, unemployment and Wyoming can all be traced back to rogue intellectuals that were allowed to pollute and disease the marketplace of ideas. The evidence is all around us — the Jersey Shore infiltration, Charlie Sheen and athletes’ Twitter accounts have left no shortage
of destruction as this nation’s toilet-paper Constitution allows and encourages them to exist. I nearly decided to move to Canada on the night of Lebron’s Decision. But I wasn’t always so enlightened. When I came to Madison as a wee freshman, I had swallowed with glee the libertarian brainwashing that occurs in public high school. Wisconsin’s flexible Shield Laws made me feel safe at night the way no alarm system or illegally-possessed cache of firearms ever could. I was sure the truth would rise to the top as Thomas Jefferson promised it would. Then I came to work for the Dirty Bird. I expected to meet the brightest
and most enthusiastic journalists Madison had to offer as I walked into the Vilas cellar that is the DB office. Instead, I found myself suffocating in a brothel of slothfulness that smelled vaguely of Vagisil. The sports editors didn’t play sports, the opinion editors were more concerned about their lack of ergonomic chairs than yearly tuition spikes and the arts corner was listening to Nickelback. Nickelback! Against my better judgment I glommed onto the first story the news editor offered up — investigate why the business school has more money than the rest of us — and sealed my fate as a Dirty Bird employee for the next four years. Four long years.
My changed opinion on free speech has taken deeper roots over that time. Reporters forget deadlines, misspell Mayor Dave’s last name and keep referring to Biddy Martin on second reference as that paunchy firecracker. These people can clearly not be trusted. That’s why, upon winning the popularity contest for EIC, I determined that our coverage would only touch upon the most superficial of topics. Cool new pandas at the zoo, meaningless, shoddy MS Paint graphics and toilet water would dominate our front page. The Badger Herald’s constant defense of free speech in recent years has only confirmed my suspicions. Whilst broaching the most
sensitive of topics, the BH generated campus discussion that otherwise would have lain dormant. Readers flocked to their stories and debated ad nauseum on their comment boards. Meanwhile, even our own web guy can’t figure out how to create a login for our site, even if he did in fact read any of our drivel and stop long enough to struggle and try to fight to formulate an actual thought or opinion on it. My staff has already proven that UW students are too stupid to be trusted with such things. So read the Dirty Bird. We won’t offend you. We won’t make you think. We are the daytime television of newspapers.
artzzzzz It’s that time again: UW art lovers gleefully bust out binoculars in annual rite of passage I. C. Birdees DIRTY BIRD RESIDENT BIRDWATCHER
When the average student cracks open his or her issue of The Dirty Bird each morning, and flips quickly to the artzzzzz section, one word is sure to come to mind: Birdwatching. For, what activity is more emblematic of the arts — surely not movie-watching, concert-going or perusing an art gallery. So to celebrate the coming of spring — and therein the magic to be beheld in the advent of amorous mating calls, I bring you the first of many bird broadcasts for 2011. Call it: The-everything-youwant-to-know-about-the-local-avian-species, brought to you courtesy
of The Dirty Bird. As some of you have most likely already noticed, the red-breasted cacklers and prairie chickens have already returned from migration (unless that trusty pair of binocs is still collecting dust in your closet! Brush off that birding kit, silly goose!) Furthermore, all varieties of warblers have been marking their territories all over my front lawn. It’s all in good fun, though. But where, you may be asking, can I find these magnificent avian species? Well, my professional experience causes me to think perched in trees, paddling around nearby lakes, and of course flying through
the air just about anywhere. In a recent interview with a local ornithologist, who wished to remain unnamed, I had to ask how this time of year makes him feel. “Why are you talking about birdwatching if you write for the arts section?” he said. “From what I’ve seen I can’t imagine how this could be an interesting or informative article; please don’t quote me.” Many rare breeds can be expected to make an appearance in the coming months. From juncos to horned grebes, frigatebirds to American coots, black-bellied plovers to hairy woodpeckers — you could literally see them all. Personally, I love the coots.
ZOE EMGEE/THE DIRTY BIRD
For more great photos like the one shown above, visit our website. Be sure to allow enough time for it to load — reading The Badger Herald is suggested to pass the time.
Neckwear in shades of violet to invade runways this season Max Love DIRTY BIRD GUEST FASHION COLUMNIST
Max Love
Hey everyone, Maxwell John Love here. Let me tell you, roughing it to camp out at the Capitol and busting ASM conspiracies left and right makes it hard to dress accordingly for the day. You never know when you’ll need to plan a protest on the fly! So I’ve decided to take some time away from my day to hand down some advice to you aspiring student activists. The emphasis here is eclectic functionality and that “I just threw this on while drawing caricatures of Biddy” look.
Every dedicated student revolutionary needs a quirky hook. You’re totally thrown through a loop when you see me coming in a floor-length purple scarf. You think, ‘he’s crazy!’, but really, that’s all part of the plan. You see, onlookers are typically mesmerized by the bright purple nature of that thing. If you start to stare at it for long enough, you’ll likely want to begin blogging about New Badger Partnership scandals and launching your very own WikiLeaks for Madison! The scarf makes the magic happen, trust me on this one.
Another essential for spending those long hours leading chants at randos just trying to get to class on Bascom — your protest pants! Or revolution pants, or some other name that promotes student empowerment. For this classic MJ Love look, you’re going to want to go back to the grassroots. This means you’re going to need some white pants. You may think, wait! White pants aren’t cool after Labor Day! But I’m here to tell you there’s a simple way to update this basic look from blatantly seasonal to protest ready year-round. Simply grab some
Sharpies and go crazy! I’m talking about letting your friends draw and write whatever they want all over them. It may seem a wee bit zany but, then again, that’s what we’re going for here. So go crazy! Now I think you’re starting to get the basics here. As a side note, I also highly recommend investing in a quality megaphone. Seriously. You never really know when it will be time to mobilize and empower and such. There’s probably going to be a lot of shouting involved in all that marching, so spring for the top-ofthe-line model. You won’t regret it.
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