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JUNE :10 0 9

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20

[ 12

Letters

Plus, one proud mom gives a Muxim

The final day in Ihe life of Eastbound & Downstar DannyMcBridc, singehlctTeSS Io.landy 1-.loore is our Moot Wanlcdgirl,

staffer some props, ,:m d a note from

the ins andouls ofh;lcking il hol e! mini-

Russia, with love. No, the opposite of

bar, and breakingdown the Ghosttwtm

love, derision.That's whalll was!

video game wi th Dan Aykroyd.

Another s teaming mailbag filled with

your freshest put-downs and prai!;e.

Incomlnl

TheMnximedilors ran a "biggest loser¡ con test forlwa months. and Ihe meaty resul ts ilre inl Meanwhile. how to become a sausage master. a rollercOiJ,ster that runs on dog farts, ,md th is year's Hall OO is herel

10

I 39 I Rated

"" I Columns Vegascomed.i,m ;md milgieian Penn lillette samples dozens of delicious (and some not sodelkious) breakfast cereals and na.mes America's top 10. And just how freaky is your lady willing to get? Very-lru~l u ~1

MAln M • JUNE 2009

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Style

Summer's must ~see

destinations and the best duds for the beach the S"",tan:! the wild

".

The Ded der II 's a qUl'5lion we've all asked miUlY timesw hile coaled in the sweet muskof failure: How much more o f this crap can you take? Decipher your absolute breakingpoint with this month's maniacal Decider.Just don't h u rt us.


dloogt. wt'rtwUoc/cing thtcoopandsmding thtm to yoor/wmtotodelil>el"sorlledirtywingt"t!wngmnct!

Hot or Not1 first of all, let me offer you props on creat ing the Ilot too.Tha t being said, (an 2009'S list be more "whose mind-boggl ing hotness fries my eyeballs out of my skull" and less "who made more i1ppearanc<:s on MlV"1 Come on. guys, it's a hotness mntest. Le t"s try to be as superficial as possible.

Brandon Huggins via c-mall E)'emeillJge WIlS Qneo(the75 met ricS tltat Wt'nt inlo

In MalIn'. ~d, It'l always t lln e

10 flas hda"" • •

Time to the Your thoughts on Malin Akerman and the true meaning of hot. Address ing the Issu e I loved April's gorgeous Malin Akerman issue. But is there any way you could start using peeloff address labels so we subscribers can en ioy the full effect of your beaut iful covers? 11m Spence r QuiTl{y,lL We Irit"t! 10 dfJiVt'T Maxi m by rorrier pigfon, bullhf birds' diseased lolons ended up gilling m til"(' barooshopspink<yt'. Since)'oo had 1m SIOfU'Sloromplain,

Lost in Translation I went back t o Ukraine last week for t he firs t time s ince my family moved to America in 1992. 1 found this backp;:!ckat our host s' place and laughed for about n\,e minutes s traigh ttheir child actually wore th is to school for ycars. NOl(l CKMcsign req uired fortha t kid. If you look closely, you'll see also see these misspellings: cm UltN, M1Cl(t:V MOS!:, and 1)111 il L Here's a I'ictureof my lit t le brother wearing the offendingite.m. HiIJI via e·mai[

12 N MClN

this yror's bruin-mombling list. Some olhcrs?Total drool 9e1l<'l'1l led, opproruncts in irwppropria/ t affier dayd reoms, and poi r5 of ptljamo bottoms ru i1\td,

Suffering Sufffagette [n perusing my husband·s April issue of Maxim, I t hought I stum bled across an article with a positive message t o send towomen I" Happy Women's History MOIlth!"I.But l w;/,s app;:!lIed t osee t he sexist fine print t hat referenced worn · en who increased their breast size and an 85year-old shOIO."girl as pioneers insteadofthose (such as SUS.1n B. Ant hony) who have truly made a difference in the li ves of all women . Be dty Pete rsen East Haddam. CT Our r(}llrtdlJp o((rroky (emali'S in tltt I1tW!i was in 110 lIItly mrnnt to bt- a slap ot your (ol/Ol"itf coin-gTacing su/frttgist. But ifyou don't WWlt yourmindelJ1lUlll~, Iralit' )'Ollr hubby's treaSllred Maxims in tltt crystal displa)' rase wmre t hey bel ong. Closet Cas e Closed In regard toGove.mor Ch;trlieCrist I ~Governors GoneWildT,~ April), he does have an immaculat e. t an , butthe. Green Iguana is defini t ely not J gay bitr. Ask anyone who lives in or around

After readi ng Maxim's April Sexwlumn I"Sexual1<ryptonite"I, I think lc.1n exp!ainawupleof your past dating esc a· l;tiIdes. It's terrific th"t you've man.1ged to land your first job at such a dis tinguished magazine. [ 'Ill so happy t h"t those years studying li t eratu re have finally paid off.

H om Our plucky Intl'Tn Jana St'ga!'s morn is right to btbittfr-(onSidl'Ting tha t tM onty r!,![uirt"TlU'nts (ar bn:om1ns a Maxim emp/o)'ff are a week o(C/own CoIlfgt, a commrnial trurker lirrn5e, ond an STD. And IMt's Just thflTlQil room!

Tamp;:!: it 's a very popular place. Do a li tt le research next t ime. Brendan Park Oearwi!ter, R.Aft ff Iht stI/t'I"Ith body shut offDtv/in 1M barrrndtr's nipp/t and nn a!I-clubsing-along IaCher'5 "'(/ Cauld TumBackTImc," aurGlI'trIlguonartSf{Udt WQS£Om.. pi fit (nnd our ptlnls Wffl' $pinniIl!J on 0 cfiling (an).

Iraqi Freeda m People deployed in Iraq wunt down lime by days, weeks, mont hs,oreven paychecks.] track it by Mnxim-only two more issues un t ilileave. 1<eep up the good work. Ja y via e·mail Thank.s, so/dief!We rnrooragt yOll to rontinue keeping l imf wilh U$ wht"fl)'Ou corne home: ~1If issui'S until Chris/mos, nine un til)'our ~lSt kid, T3,273 un· / iJ causin "June Buy" gt1S rdeosed (rom prison. t1r.

We orrrndtod a BulgwiWl stminalJl borl: in ooryour h. ond IW'conitod a boc:i:pack

thai rflld MUlaa:inianbrars mob- mySllImon swim upS! rt'QrJI Mand MSquirrtl!owT" in Rl.I§sian. Wuan S!illhear Utflaunrsand (td tm wnI· git'S. Hl'TI"so (abuIousprUe (or your dredging up OOf p<linrur.shame-~Ued mem-

oni'S. Thanks, Max i

• JUNE2IXI'I

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The Hot 100, where we don tightfitting lab coats and sdentifically rank 1he world's baddest beauties, is fi nally here. Who will be this year's No, 17 1A'ell go take a look ya lazy bastard!

From Bruno to I Love You. Man we've

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cast your votes online now for this year's Hometown Harries semifinalists. The polls close June 1. Don't delay! Damn It

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An angry boss calls his chronically late employee at home."You were supposed to be here an hour aIlOr' he bellows 'Sorry, boss," replies the worker. 'but I won't be in today. I have anal glaucoma:"What the hell is that?' '1t means J can't see my ass coming to work."

Sturn Engln. Aban~ mtl1eOld West Is on a train when he gets lhe.~ uree to take a dump, Hoe w~nl!> to hold It.

lhat (hubby guy s~c\:ir'18 hIS helld OUI of the wirodow1SI.Jphlm In the face, and ru gr~b rus(lB",r

but leall~es he &.il\ljalonf mthe (lIf,

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toa WDTf\¥I'S """'t~t aften Ions IIlaht on the IOWn. Alief a MIll! rore· pl<Iy. tho:y 8':'1 down 10 II. The guy Iini5I"oes iUId l'lOIIr:es the BIrl hasa 101 01

siulled iII1Imals. Feebn& suPlemely confident. he 8$b. "So how was rr The pi ~ replies. "Take sanethlr€ from the tIonanshelt ·

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0 ' HOWCMl you tell a tou~ Icsrnan b.>rl A, (yen lhe pool tabl. has rIO balls

0 ' How do Y"" find a blind man In a nudist

Sl00 BOes to Dan Wall, Hebron. CT

tan'.

A n'IiI\chNttne on his not '10 brWlI IlIrllrle"d

The Cimadian Silys thal's I'OJti'llnO! -one mllfe,

he'D have a hoxkey tern. The)apar.fSe man.l'OJt tohemndone, claims he hasefglll kidsand wah the nat one llell have a

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putslCOOOh" ~W3IIrt. GoiI'@ I~ hi5 pantsooeday.lhedirn dame ftrQ; It In(\. WlSwe wllat It I$.ItSl<$ her pI\IL1n OOIf'o8 bcy/nend, ThInI::Ir\(I quickly. he says. "That Is I coodom. and It soes over yow etea lelte 50 you can smoke In the ram. They sell them ~ thephalmacy,· BeI~vir'I(I him, she BDes 10 the plwmacyandasks for some condoms. "No p!oolem: iiilYS the clerk, "What size would youlikeT

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sevefal tImeS. Ora dor>e ~says. "Wa..... ycuswedldn1 tor~tmudlsrnce 19S5r The """Il"anl major. gIancinS at his wa!(1\ repl~ , t.:lpe nol-It's onlyZ1:3Qnow,·

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and jJJl his hands <Ill the Tim. Served Aousty sergeat'lt ma)ot is II. ~ty when. lady at the event him

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Z. OncewedetemUne whose caption .ic~ our ass. well Fedb you on amazingly cool pm..this OJ (onsole MJ: Z 3. Oleck Ma><lm.rom early an:! oft"'" to_ Ofymrr tunny bonr! is li€geJ than ours.And remember. IaugI\ir1g beats CI}'lI'€'

16 MAXIM

' lUNE 2009

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,wing grown up In Florida, thlsgorgoous g~l is noslnngenoweird plolre!lpopuL1lM by luther-skinnedtre4llures. No doubt this helped ~e Eve reel right at home on the set oft his month's larIdofthrLosI. SotUTyour eyes a .....ay from the ~jacent ph()(ograph for ;11 moment .. nd re~,1bout some ofE\'e'smosl memor;lble firsts. FUst Hoa. Awq< From HOIIII!

Imovedout .lit 16toaltend voulkma\coUege. The gu)'S who loln it took an old motel and turned it intOlhisschool.Anenlirefloorwas filled wil h 16- and l]-year-old girls. AI! we dkI w;u ~rty... Looldng back, I'm not even sure If

that wasreallyaschool. Fim Bum Fl&ht

I ran a red light, and this cop pulled me over He starts goingoff on mewhen .lIlof.l sudden these IWO bums bUlit out of a gas stat ion and start pounding tach other: lllecop had lotake

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PO R T PI RAT E .1. S T IV. L The Purt W~shinSlun, Wiscunsin ~vel11 (lune S-i) has "'~""ctors, aulh~nti< bUCCdncer <how, and a ship, Brins • ri fl~, pic\: off a pi'dte, ~n<l become d national hem' f'lrtpiro«r.sh""l,com

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10< Hustache Rides Host of illl this shirt says. , have. mUSIa<:he," But ()Illy

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What does your hilarirus boardwalk novelty T-shirt say about you?

2'1 00n 'tNeedaPermlt ...::/ for TIles.. Guns Delinei Y<lU a& pro-NRA arod tells the world. , may be a biceppurnplns meathead. but even I Imow TWO TICKETS To THE GUN

SHoW shirts "Te totally played..

3 \ l'n 8eenRlckR"U'd

\.V YourT shirtt~sonlook ers. , OWn" oompute< with lnter""t a<:cess. and l am really hx:klngannoying." God, we t.:lpe that the Gun Permit suy kicks your as,.

4 \ Chief Poundherhard ..;:.J Signals that Y()IJ',e " man 01 <o'"rachcticms: stoic, yet passionate; lelpeo:;trul 01 nature's bounty, yet well -prepared to kill ",me primo Pilnty buffalo. Run it off a diff, Hiawathal

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5 \ Drunk? Free B.eatha · ...::.; LyzerTest. BlowHerel You are an eternal optmt, One day Ihls lIi<;kshln just might wod" But the ·free" part is ('onfu:sinS, Do ladies usually PilY to. BTeathalyzing1- Sam JacOO5()fI

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HOW'S MVSEXV? Got an opinion on whX:h of these gals is the hJtte:.1ofthe hot?GJ to Ma.. hiLWiiL rank the Top 10 yourself, and see Ju..v yourchoices match with other IPilderS picks, Also, de:k out the complete list of this yeats Hot 100, plus behind-thescenes Hot 100 party footage

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IISI O' TNI ".CNrIlIS A 'OOoln~med Ad~m i. bcliewd 10 bcthe 1i ..1 muhine 10 indtp<,wietllly rna"" • neWsd cnlific finding Scicntl .. s ...y

INCOM ING

brainy U.K.-buill bo, m.de a di,;cowry on his o..~, .bout the enrylY1es fOl.rnd ;n yU~1 We 're alrcMl)' bo ..i ng do ..... to Our new robot """Tlords! th~

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craclonBI Selections from Ihe fAQ 5«1;On of the Ayatollah ICham.ne1's 0fiid.>1Web site I•• de, ;,/1a"g<I[ N

Q; lf.nJlmpu,eJ pe'SOIl~' [IU..... I "'Iu«ung of It.(,

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aftc'peclng] hut wlth-oul

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be ..,men unle". ht Is stitt" lhal no

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Looking for summer fun? Skip the lines at SeaWorkl

and hit one of these weird-ass amusement park~ . . . The Holy Land ExpeMnee. Orlando, florida

Oc While .).,.ughte,· ;IIR chickens Wilh neW m..:h;nes, lhe namcofAllahl. not !<;Old (01.",h

chicken dl,lC: to

..... While I herearen 'I any rides at this b iblical-Ihemed fun park (how could they resist Noah's tog Flumer), you can explore religious art ifacts in the Scriptorlum or watch reenactments, like Jesu_~ being cruci fied. Sweete r than a cross-shapl.>d fun nel cake! 135, lwlyiarulexperifllCe.cOO1

f ...,t"·Q1k. c..n ".~

ut I""m' A· ror t a.:h R'OI.rP of th~m, which ar~ <;I mclim~.fl .,

..... Like a construction site with roller coasters inslead of catcalli ng dudes in denim cu to ffs, Diggcrland offers 18 different rides. each one adapted from re al ( ranes and bulldozers, To incruseyourenjoyment, we recommend taking loIS and lots o f cough medicine beforeoperat ing these mach ines. U2, di9,9('Tlund,cOfTl

"y{" g MsmlnAh, One ~~lIl6h I.

.... Suol Tlen Park , Ho ChlHlnh City. Vietnam

lion lsil puTt"Of IUll,Ie." I' 10 il ruled..,. 'PC""I

. . . BonBon -Liand, HolmeoOlstrup. Denmark

.... Based on a Danish candy known for its toilet humor (some delicious Boogers, anyone ?), Ron80n·lan d takes you on ass-rippi ng rides such as Dog-Fart Switchback and tile Horse Droppings. SoIT)'. Uncle Walt, you've JUSI been outclassed. 1]1-$J6, bonbonJund.dk- llluru l ru

28 MAXIM

money, monster waves,8r1dsny man u

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content cf tNs mcnt h·s page

t ~lners.

Wesped

throueh p ,J, O'Rourke·s D.MI1B/Jkeo Cruy{Allan licMont hly?rm, S2~ ~ a coIleo:\Ionor vlntaee and new HSa)'Sabout Ius !oIIe for thegas guzzler and !he crazy thir'I8$ he$ donebelon:l the wheel Well eve-n ICl8lve the lact lhal hisdM! !c fSSay 'llow to Drive Fast on !lnJSS Whik' Gelq YCIIIf

wrc wansSqo,!!ZI!'d

n Net Spil Your trnnl:" was IilrseIY fict1on. .

GoodteUas. Godfathers.. and !he inpo:ct""" nw and Ialolihe Mall<o·s most~DtIS mlorc@t Me !he sOOjects 01 Tom FoIlom"s ~HadQ-o,s; Gal)' ~Gal.band ill<" ~oMion ~r the E4r

RNd It or wake IJll wtlh a ofrhe~rwa'Io'.

.19

IN

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jrurmlist A.I, Bairne', Go Uk" llell [l lMll $261 "im adr~nahne·lueled lump

into the Pit stops of Le Mans. tire. the 196Os, .nd the fi ..eebaltle betw""n "",ennics llenry Ford U

and Enzo Ferrao1lO won the '«e made famJ\.l5 Pro sui ... frio: SocierquiSi and wave Iensmal1 chris Burkard ~ readers on byS'eve~"",, ·

a sane-tastic toad trip In ~cabhxnia Surl PlOIE'! jOIronide [mh S3S~

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. . . Get enlightened at this 8uddhisl-t hemed .. musement park that ha.~ both Heaven and Hell rides-<omplete wi th animatronics!- pl us water slides, roller coasters, and ~ s tationary b ike suspended over a crocodile faml. Pray thaI kamla ison your side. 12, suoi lirn.cOOl . . . Didc1!'M World. kent. U_IC. .... r.lilI about with an a.~50rtment of Dickensian characters or hop o n att ractions like the Great Expectations Boa t Rideasyou experience the poverty and crime of the Victorian ages . More pkkpocketing and cholera, please! 51 4- 518, didctnslllOrld.co.ui:

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Maxim's Five editors tortured their tubby torsos to see what realfyworks,Avert your eyes- the shirts are comin' off!

••o •••

Hul plan: Nufmpiam71 'Ev~ry rooming a fre:s.h hatch

Hul pla n; Nuti5)""tem.rom

of tasty 80urmet meal:> awaited my mouthhole, Seeing the horrors 01 whal my rivals had 10 ~"t, t clearly w{m the best grwaward "

11 arrived al the office tn one enormous par(~L whlch Bova dubbed my 'biB box of OOP'e5sian: I ~Iy followed III<! diet for break:! asl aoolurdl aoolw had a "",sible diMer, II worked"

Workou t : 1 hefted weiehts twKe a week aoo did cardio twke a week. Did this result In a si~·p<>r;~( ~pe, You ~now what abs7 Go flick yourselves,"

Workout: 1 threw Ul> my first day llac'< al!he gym Yep. Alter lhilt awesomeres.1 went daily \lI\tllldevetoped a m.,.;s fracture in my ankle, Hello. (0":111'

-

push-up oontesl, li~e D.lwson did, Enjoy the l>acne. bIe>I"

&real-except fo' lhe 0I'les lhal sucked I stuck with It lor the """I pan. but I couldn'l reslst the ()((iiSKJnaI Kf( binge:

Hul pl ~ n; I'DklS.axn 'Very lasty, But elM!s is wired lor W{IItlen. SO I had 10 l!at non-eDoet meals for the

('alories. This d!feats the point 01 a meal plan. 51ilL i( s g,eal for gal5. Or S....anson.·

WOlkout; 1 did di!ily 00

Workout: 1 did weiSht> /our 10 five days. wee>: and ,wam. FOT speeddrllls. I hWlted my nelgh-

r~1 ,u"",sets bookended by I-want -to-doe '\lI.lrpees. .

oorhoods fasl-footed hobo&~ III

I'd then ttn!o;h with sprints

Rocky's chid:en' thasn'll"

DI1lheeffin'sluedmlJl, \).-0,"

End lI~m e: 'W,th exerc,,,, oul 01 Ihe pirlille. my txxly sculpting plan Wil'i to gel a lan, ~,mysun-~lsslsso plt"y,"

End s~rne: 1 ,hould hilve pulled the nieser on the fulJ BrilJ'ilian.l slopped the waxer at lhe laint. Biggest, MIS1a~ e Ever •

End s am e: 1n" we,&ht klSl contest. there ilJe no IoSO'rs. ~XCepl these losets I aushed Eat It. fatsosr

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Heal plan: Nada 1 figured td be bener off oontrOlling my own die! than hav ing !Oeal freeze-dried seitiln. This meant lot> of sushi, salads, aoo gnJled ciucken.ll dearJy!!,,1 the job clone. I los! the """rr

Workout : 1 h,t the eY'" t hlee daysa week cIoing whilll call 'the 6O-yeiIJ-old woman work out': 4S minutes on lhe eU'pHcai m.xhi~ while watching q,.-aIl."

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End lam e: '1-1y only regret is nm inJe<1ins steroids belor e the

Hul plan: Nu Kitd!enrom "My daily deliveries of organic meals by III<! N-!: ninja were

PHOTOGRAPHS BY EDWARD SMITH

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En d lI~rne : ""lte, how, in a lode, room. I though!l'd be inwed to tlv: siilhl oj halIy man· ass. but. alas. it was not 10 be,"


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God that lIlfw itfms iII~ at l:lf'4! last .... 3Il~1l'1 hi@hdMgb'y.

R~rnl n<:l.

us of 1".1 f ..... rth _ grad ~ s lupover .1 ou r n~lghbor", M. n, 1". 1 gOi w~lrd!

II (""Id Hop",," toY""

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a tasty lesson in lesser-known links.

fu~w ••

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SUIi.lk.Uy Spo:~k· illl( II Defmlttty WO,,·I-.nd -~. ~ru' II.U \'0 1,. -

t1en sOOuld not SjXlft tattoos of other men playmg basketball.

Bum NoxnSH_. Hu .... "~I ''''''''

While wa tching dudes wit h pituitary problems jam basketballs in the NBA. ) you might notice thegl ut ofoccupationinspi red ink: bils kct balls, alien-like creatures playing basketball. the names of dead cousins spelled ou t in basketb.tlls. What's going on here. guys! Do mechanics get tats of guys oper~t ing hydraulic lifts? No. Do proctologists get gi ant index fingers across their backs 1Nuhuh, Do porn stars h.we littleViagra pills penned on th eir palms? No (but that would be kind of awesome). So. pro b.tl1ers-Shaq. Bi bby, Deron, pay"t tent ion here-we 're going togive 1his 10 you str"ight while there 's no chance you'lI gra b u S by the throa l and bea t us lowithin ~n inch of our lives: Stop the needly nonsense!

~n''''USA I'ct"... rio". original ~.I.rrlng

5 (Germany)

BO I! RWURST (South Africa!

Mam ingredJents: Veal. sarhc. pepper HowtocoolcGriU this white wie~, which is a Bavanan beer hall stapie. Serve on potato bun with spil;ybrown mustard. Tastes best when weannB lederhosen.

Holland) MamlnBredlents: Beef, pork, conander, vlnesar How tocook: GriU it. Slice It. MIx with fet · tuca ne Alfredo and realize this is the one Bood thinB the Dutch did for South Africa.

SUMMER SAUSAGE (USA.)

Main inBredients: VeniSln pepper,

mustard seed. dried orsmo~

How to coole Don'!. jerk-ass! It's already cooked. Serve cold on nadeers with French's yellow mustard.

Jdf,O')' Dono\<An' Don·I ......,rry. ""il"'" Ius not ,~IAI.d to jdf,O')' o.mov,",.

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Malllmgredients: Veal porle. sarlI:,

ru,=

How to cook: SpIlt these lengthwISe and Brill. Add 10 an omelet. or just bun and Bun Into your Bullet With BnUed oruons and sweet mustard.

32 MAXl H

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See you. doct .... right .wlIy if b<lrninl balls persist.

KIELBASA (Poland) Ham InBredIentli:

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brush your teeth for 111 least 45 mirutes.

• JUNE2009

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"Renrembcr th~tt ime

I h,ld 30 rebounds!" Yes, we do. because it's splayed on your forehead righ t next to Moses ,lnd a re fer~'s wh isl l~ . Look. your body's not a rrsum~.il isasmashoooock board delivery system. If you really feel lhe need 10 ge t a regre u ,lble tattoo. it should involve boobies. an eagle wilh a fi sh clutched In its tal ons. or both.

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INTROOUCING

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S T .,.H ... COL 11111 T ' S T I . '"'' S E .. r. Tht (<>til", R."..-' no, l a'~.-glln uppyenoll.<:h for you? Then pkk up this hard<ovcr <oll«tion of the <omi< based on Col ben'. sp"ndc ~ -<: I ad sci-ii hero version of him..,lf, which incl udes the Ihrvcy Award nomi nat ed "Invasion ofthe Opliklons." r.~ <el sior! 115

At the Helms The Hangovers Ed Helms reflects on the morning after,

Sam Raimi returns to his roots with Drag Me to He1!.

Onplaylngaback. bone· less boyfriend: ""The movie is about a bunrhotBuyswhogQ to Ves<" to, a bachelo, pi!rty Mychar.ner is rnmpietel y domin.ted by his awful Birlfriend To male her really horrible. the director, Todd Phillips. had a brilliant ideaonseto .... day.tn a scene wtler! 1teU tile guy> I'm I/O~ to prQ~ to he!. my (-ostar BtadleyCoopellellsme, nude, she bean: you' t say, 1t was only twi<:e. and I was way out 01 line: Todd macle It upon the spol.h did t he trid:.·

On workins with I.on Mike Ty,..,n: 1 ie did" singing-a-Phil -

Collins-tune <"",eo and nailed I!. He was more prepared t hitn anyot us, Otiler acto" would've

On his worst real· Ufe nanBover: 1M coltege Ionce threw

up SO tlard that (apilla'Its ro'st on my lace. I thought I caught ~pHlSy from drlnldng too mllCh.-

needed 10 tal:es.l1ike W<lS 'OJ\{! Take' Tyson, He put us al l toshame."

y mother always daimed she was part gypsy and that gypsies could curse you with an 'evil eye: » says Sam Raimi, director of the (lllt·dassic f~i! Dt-ad series as we!! as the b!ockbusterSpider-Mon trilogy. "So I wondered. What if somebody really did have that power?"That thought became Drug Metu Herr, the tale of a bank employee (Alison Lohman) forced to foreclose on the house of an old lady who-un luckily for her- turns out to be a vengeful. curse-filled gypsy. Helming a low-budget horror flick after directing the supersize Spider-Mal! movies was a happy return to form for Raimi. "It was very refreshing.~ he explai n s. " It forced everyone to relyon good old-fashioned creativity.» As for how lohman dealt with spending an entire film shoot beingtortured, (alar Raimi impressed. "1 would've been more cautious if somwne had told metheywere going to bury me in 300 pounds of mud, but she just did it She's a real trouper_"

Hadca Vegas Hinihar

1

Disarm I "'inI~red

~~­

IllnB the frnge's cmt.-

pu!er l15i~~CoIIau

tormula:n(J>J) ~~)!Z.

Z Der~ize lho ~edsh!'1ves

withaNeutmlaror./km you (an ~leIy I/O' Be "" tree glnm:lOleetoli1

3

O'\e(k wt-After

aday)U<l1lhl:e1y becharged fortile feast andar'eiled fOI !raW.

'>eeYQ..Ilncountyl

The Checkup

Sorting through tre cinematic heap. Tyson This doc aboul the face l atted fiBhler featwes In-depth inte"",,,,, w,th the man himself. Watch yow ears!

This brutally hon~t flid doesn't puU any punches {ziTl8~ and just mi8ht male you Iool< at the embattle<l pugilist In a whoi! new ltght. - -0

Tb. Taklngof Pelham lZ3 N.Y.c tralndispatChe! Def\:el

Basedon the 70. classic, the Tony Scott -ilelm<>d remake lust m'Sllt rock. And who k.... w Demel could ,nhabit a ,ole originated by Walter Marthau?

Washington must negotiate for lile lives of hostages ileld by a goatee<! 10hn Travolta. Night at the Museum: Battle of the SmIthsonian Ben Stiller takes his n'Sllt watchman po>t on the road and Is jomed by Jonah HiU.

40

/ //

MAXI M . JUN! 2009

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/

Smithsonian fe.Mes the S3me rnldnltlht madness as

Ih. first movie, but thrs time ther.'s a sarcastic Abe Uncoln i!nd a giant "lwd an board.

!

1

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MUSIC/GAMES

Daile was rudy fo r any spontaneous 째c up c"ecks.~

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ILICTROMIC IMTI.TAI MMIMT IXP. I IS I GamiJl~afi<ior\ados ~re about IQ sw¥ m Ihe ""'<>rld's I~fge.o;t ,omputer a.nd video game If~d" sho ..... Get thl.., IQ the LA. C<H1v~ntjo" Ccnt~r June >-~ 10 bi: the tirst couch lochy on 'he block to ,~t<h • gli m pse of ned yea" , thumb-deslro}ing hits .

Music Reviews

3

For your awal satisfaction, here's what's dropping this month.

Th~ButJ~.

Rock 8.nd IIook thai mindc")'<'nding Hip 10 India, I:><:ca.u,;e you'll soo" be .bl. 10 play I h~ F.b r our'Ha.'.1<>g ....,lh your Roxk Bond Insln.uncIlIS .

6

The D.. ad Weath ..r. H".... h"und 1H'U HAN

No ,,~s e'o'e! called the White Stripes slick, but Jock White seem.< determilled with his ~ I)and tile Dead Weather-In whkh he drum.< aM bellows b;o:;lrup ve>cals-to amp up h~ lamous gn~ The brazen lIl&>n ~II (01 the Kitts) ~ln£s. and members 01 the Rao:flteurs atod Queens of the stone Age fill out tile llneup, but It's White's snally paTIna that \eMs tllei' garage bIuel; ~ g"rl:los~s that wm S(rntth a<rf rocl<e(s itch

RATING : • • • •

Milk.. Snow, Hlik.. Snow

Av.lar l.me,Came","', fitst fHek <inc. nta~id.sel during '" ,,,"rstell,,, w", betw.en Earth alld the p lanet P."dor~ . .....al<h fot .i.,linK sl.rlet Zoe s..ldJ,na._

nOWNroW~

When oorjuring oonss tor Brltney Spears am Madonna 1<; yoor day job. hawdo you no:mlight7 Chris1!3n Kal is·

son ard I'orI1llS Wlnrtlers. the Swedish production dll(l known as BlI:>odshy & Avarn, fOlmed Milke Snow wllh ~Ingel AMrew Wyatt to soothe t he dalY;e fIoocs ~d rormally rile up. Patrlng piaro and d ,eatnY symheslzefS with gently tl\u1dina beals, tile trio ~ 'leillly saved some of the" best melodies ler them$eI\leS.

RATING : • • • (

9

A Ribbon or Drum. cr • • lor Da.vid Ch • .., ,etum. '0 HIIO ...· j'h. seri.. .bout the gold.n of!< o f ftollywood let's l>fa)' lot. o f scenc,.re .1m1.1 YcOlde Bada Bing.

Black Ey<'<l Pea., r M E.N.D.

"""1<0" Neve, werly oornmed w!!h the mind the Peas are no::w

.>or""""

foc\tsed rompletely on the body: Their tttih album layers Its pop hooI<s over smashing (\aro;e beats hom ob/;(Ur e, c\W-Qrlenttd p<Odu:;ers. The anlt...:leis purely heOOnis· tic, Besl:les sa~ her usual non.se~, Fergie actually SIng.; the disoo tune 1Jut ot My Head" while drunk, You Cilnl argue with mllSr thl<; exub<:rant .. .or their rhymjng "'mazel tov" al"(\ "tal:e It olf" fl Gotta Feeling) -N.C

RATING : • • • '- J

Bnst a Move OG. Ghostbuster Dan Aykroyd spills on the ghoulish new game, l ' Thlnkolltas \.V GhOSft"..sters 3Tvealw"Y'ron~td

the game mbelhe third movie II take place two

the _~nd 111m, when a new recruit haSCOlTll' w-.Jer the willi! ~atsatter

of the Ghostbus!""."

--V The lanl [s back IDtlether,,, '"Bill Hurray, llarold Ramis, Ernie Hll(!:<;Qn. aoo [do the vox:e. arod we appear as wedid in the movies.l'm happy alxlUl that They shed a I!O"'i 5Opourdsoff mycur r~lbulk,"

~,

o

Itl oolrsbe lter

than the mOlrles. "!he Ilfir€s the conc:epllO lite in a way Ihe movlesroul<ln't Back then werouklonly do liO much Mth makeup aoo ptimitlve (G!, When t fir.;t ,,"w the same,l was blown away."

sa"'"

.. ~ ...but lettl", Bill

'-31 wasn'tsoea.y.

'I IOOX rum a while 10 give it a try, 1lI11 the sessitlns he gave lot It-.! game WffIt weU.Heselusi~asai

gleol StlfS should be. The l1WIily-cane' as I call him. is ~ force unlo [tself."

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RATED

MOST

WANTED

Moore The pop princess isn't as squeaky clean as you think, 'lndy Moure wan ts to apoiogize,Those cutesy bubblegum songs that !aunwed her lostJmom ,oyearsagoand arestill being plilyed over the speakers at Old Nilvy? ·Ye"h: giggles the ]5ycar-old st u nner, ·some oft hose were pretty cr"ppy,"Than kfully, /o,landyhasmovedon from her glow-stick days of touring wit h the Backstreet Boys, On her st rlpped..down 1007 albun" WUd "'",)t, She reve"led t hat h e r m ilt u red m uslcal leanings are more Sarah McLac hlan than Miley Cyrus (and also that she "likes \0 make love o n the noor"').And now her latest albu m, AmWlda lri9h (th.:al's herfirst and middle name). isan eclect ie mix of twangy, earthy sounds not nonnaUy associated wi th popprirKesses: Mrpsichords, clarinets, and steel guitars. Still, Mandy admi ts she likes a good POI) song. She'll rock her hit ·Candy· from way back, but she rei nvigorates it with an acoustic, cou ntrytwis l when she plays it live. What's not such a hil with her is tha t song's video-you remember, the one thaI awkwardly shows a dancing, lip-glossed 's-year-old Mandy likening her love for a boy to (gulp!) candy. "I just Solw that video again and was like, 'Whwl What was 1 thinkingr I don' t think I had Frenchkissed a boyyet, wh ich I guesswas some good acting on my part," says Io. landy. "At least I wasn't in a tube top!· 50she 'S&'Orgeous, selr..deprecating. and funny, bu t just tovie fortheti t1e of ide il l womiln, Ma ndy alsoprofessesa lovefur the hcad-kickin', neck-sl umpin' urc. That's right , t he sweet girl next dour s ilys her ideal Saturday nigh t involves going to the st eel·uge Ocu gon wi th her gal pals to root on the f"ce-pummeling pugi lists, "II's the bestwayfor me toge! oul my aggression: says Ma ndy. "The rush of adrenaline, being in an arena wi th ~O,OOO screaming peopl~it 's overwhelming in the best way." Ideal woman sta tus ilchieved!-Mih' [)(Iwsoo Amanda Lel8h hits shelves May 26.

I ; 44 M"IfIM •

JUNE 2009


The Sex Checklist What bedroom taboos should you encourage yourgirl to break? Why, all of them, of course. nedaya fewyears ago 1was at my boyfriend's place, lyi ng naked on his bedafter sex, He'd gone 10 shower, and when hecamc back he found me st retchi ng on all fours, ass in thealr. "Oh, God-don', move: he s.lid. As r looked over my s houlder, he aimed

his iPhone at me-andall of .. sudden I was in my first nude photo shoot . When we ni pped through the resu lts minutes la ter, J was so tumedon th.lll climbedb.lckon topofhim. Taking dirty pictures wasn't something I ever thought I'd be in to. but rve done it wi th both men I' vedatedsince.{Happyblackmall. ing.guys!) r ormost women. In fact, ;lste;l.my first-time experience ca n be a revelation that leads loa w hole newsexual world. Sometimes we just need a nudge in t he righ t direction. of course, foreverysexwl i nitl~tlon tha t's a wild success, th ere's one t hat goes wronger thanWTong.You don't want to be remembered as the gu ywha busts out th e inna table s heep on t he tirst d,lI e. So, to tind out which experi. ments are likeliest to bring her b~(k formore, I h;td dozens ofwomen descri be t heir hottestand most di sastrous- tirst times. If your girl h;tsn't checked th ese rites of passage offht':rto· do lisl, take 1he lead and become hcr sex guru.

Giri-on-Giri As t rendy as bisexuality has become, plenty of girls are still squeamish abou t pu tt ing t heir lips on another wom an's, well, lips. But every woman I in terviewed who'd tried iI, loved Iteven if they haven't done it again . ~ I still get wet thinking about the n igh t Jackie and I hooked up,~ says 26-~ar.<JIdCarlee ·, whoslept wit h herbest frieooafterconfessingto herboyfri end t hat she was curious about beingwilh a girl. ~ Her body was so SOfl, and hearing her moan got me so l urnOOon. 8ull'm happywil h my boyfriend. I sa tisfied Ihe u rge, and now I jus t use the experience towork mysel f up.· But this experiment ca n be t ricky, especially if you decideto participate. "Thewayl imagined a me.nage a t rois was differen t than t he way it

The lurndown slOf"Vice 101 Kotiday

In n is insa ....!

turn edout ,~

says IIlex, a ~9-ye ar·ol d boutique own er. "My boyfriend Rob s;tid I shou ld tell him if! was uncomfurtabl e, but I didn't want to be a killjoy. So I just w;ttched him hook up with this girl we'd met at a pa rt y, feding sick the whole t ime.~They broke up shortly after, lind th ere's always th e chance t hat she'll discover she enjoys bedding .. not her wom.ln more t han she enjoys bedding you . ~Women in these situations , .. n fi nd out th ings about t heir sexual preferences that arethrealeningt o t heirmillep.lTtners,~ S.lys Lou P.lget, au t horof ThtGr('QI iJ:Ntr P/aybook.lnothtrwords: £neour.. ge her .. t your own risk. If she goes Linds.lY lohom on you , it's your own damn f.lull .

Sex on Camera As I discovered in my per!iOn .. 1 photo shoot, even shygirls find !iOmeth ing incredibly allur· ing about being t he star of t he show. "I W;J.S fooling Mound with t he camera on my new

48 MAITIM • JUNE2009

phon e when I acciden tally zQ()mcd in on my deavag~nd t hough t it looked super hot: says Sari, a )l'year""Old teacher. "It inspired me 10 sl rip to my u nderwe ar. and th en I st .. rted shQ()ting myself masturba ting. The gr.. iny video wasawesome because it concealed f);tW!; and made everyl hing look re .. lly r.. w: For others the dist.. nce .. Colmer.. provides can act aun aphrorlisi ..c. "When my boyfriend and Iwatched t he first sex l"pe we m .. de, 1felt d isembodied from t he experience-but in .l good way," says Serena, .. 29·ye .. r--old ph .. rm ..· cis!. "I didn 't feel self-conscious, bC(auseit was .. lmostlike looki ng at somooneelse.~ But there are caveats .To make your girl feel secu re. film in hfT home .. nd make il clC.lr t h .. t you 'll store everyt hing on htr computer. "~!y ex's doofus roommate borrowed h is laptop and found the vldeo we'd made, - says Natalie. a 28·year--old bartender, ~We found out that he called his friends into Ihe room to watch, like

PHO TOGR APHS BY CHARLIE LANGELLA

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hewas the guk in SixtetnCQndles. I felt ma jorly violated." Promise her you'll be the only two pcrvsviewingyourspeda.lvideo-orjust delete it afterward , sickos,

Role Play There's something about role play that can seem, at lim es, a Htt le Silly CO K, so thi s time you be Sm u rfetle, I'll be Gargamel..."), and al otherl imes, a lillIe creepy, "This guy I \\-'Cnl on a date with was really inlo having women pl.1y Cat holi c school girls,· says J<!!IS ie, 27, an actress , "When we went back to his place and sta rled m.1king ou t, he opened his doset to reveal a stack of plaid skirts, berets, and Mary Janes in differen t sizes. I W.1S so freaked out. lief.. • I-Iowever, done right, role play can bring a new charge 1'0 sex. Many women find taking on anotherperson.1liber.1ting. because il frees them from expectations about how they're supposed to behave in bed.Tania, a 3o-yearoQld fligh t all endanl, discovered as much when her boyfriend look her by surprise one nigh t; " j walked in t he doorof our apartment, and he was waiting in the d.uk hallway. He grabbed mywrislS and said in this gruff voice. 'You've been a b.Jd girl and need to leam obedience. Doexactlyas 1say.' I immediately fellintothat subservien t role."The key to his succeSS,Tan ia says, was thai there was no time to deb.Jte a cheesy setup. "If he'd presented me with a whole sceTlolrio like, ' ~Iow about I'm the peglegged pira te and you're the beautiful nati ve islander,' or whatever, I never would've gone for It."The bottom line;When introducing her to role play, keep it simple and spon taneousyou can work UI) to t he creepy masks later.

lightBDSM Those of you who liked to torture small animills as children, don't get too excited; We're not talking about t rotting out whipsandgags here. We ure talking about tying her hands up with a scarf ur adm in isteTing a few fiml smacks on tm. ilss.Thefirsttime I experimented with thi s was when my college boyfriend and 1 returned from a formal, and he yanked his tie off and quickly lassoed my hands. He tightened the knot just enough that I (ould escape if I reallywan led to. Acting like I was being forced tosubmit (even though I reallywasn 't)allowed me to giv'" in to him completely. The first sf"lnk is slightly trickier, if only because it's not easy forthewoman to have milch control over how it'sexe(Uted.That's partly the point, but il means you need to exercise some caution. Here'sa tip; Aim tosnlack hard enough thai it 'llstinga bit, but not so hudyou leave a mark. "The first time my boyfriend spanked me, I couldn' t even fee! it," says lane, 28, a f"lra-

Betty and Ver onica jusc blew

Jughead's mind.

legil!. "I've gotten more turned on bcingjostled by strangers on the SUbWilY. Bu t after I gave hi m t he green ligh t to usea Ji u Ie force, he o vercompensa ted. I had a hilndprint on my butt that tumedblack"i\nd-blue the next day." Avoid goingo-6o;you (iln breilkout thePilddJe , but only after you know her personal threshold.

Backdoor Ent~ It may be the final sexual frontier: Anal sex is theone act that every guy wanls to gel a wom' an to try. and everywoman wants to avoid-or sowe think.Accordingtoan ABC News report, an.al.sex rates have doubled in the adult population since '99S-Obviously, ali lhose girls had to start somewhere. For Hilary. a 23'yearoQld event planner, that ~somewhere· was an e\'eningwhen her thenboyfriend brought anal beads to bed. "At first Ilct him put them in me jus t because I could tell howmuch it turned him on." she says. "But

once 1got over my Ini tial apllTehension, it felt amazing: Within a week they'd moved fTOm toys tu t he real thing. Most girls agree it's beslto lest the waters wi th toys ur finger play before graduating to fullo()n penetration. Accordingto sex educator taura Bernlan, Ph.D., theentirearea is verysen· sit ive: "The perineum is filled with tiny nerve endings that feel wonderful when touched." St.lrt with gentle stimulation and you molY be surprised where it leads."Myboyfriend used to gently presson my butt-holewhilegoingdOl'o1l on me," s;,.ys l.<J.urie.31, a yoga instructor. "j was amazed how erotic it was. One night . told him I wanted todo it for real. When he entered me forth e first time, ' almost came righ t then." The truth is, when it comcs to sex. women are just as eager asyou tosay, "Been there,done that." 1f you've earned her trust, there's practically TlO limi t to what she'll try. Except your • Rush Umb.Jugh diaper fan tasy. Weirdo.

ReadBetweentheSigns Our chart reveals which experiments your girl is ready to attempt in bed,

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www.storemas.com

49


COMPOSING A DRIVE. It makes sense that Honda would be the company to build a musica l road. We thrive

on engineering challenges. It took some Honda innovation, but we discovered that by carving specifically spaced grooves into asphalt we could create musical tones. Then we grooved a road just outside Lancaster, CA, to play the William Tell Overture. It was a project in honor of the Civic - a car designed to connect drivers to the road. When it was fin ished, the Musical Road was open to everyone. But, like every road, it was best experienced in a Civic. See, hear and team more at civic.honda.com.

• •

.l

•• I-lIHONDA

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Breakfast of Champions Forget pancakes, omelets,and donuts. When Penn Ji11ette wants to warm his heart in the morning, cold cereal is the onlyfood that'll do.

righ l, llake a bowl of minul e oo tmeal, add some maplesyrupand almond milk,'lOd throw my bowl In Ihe microwave forlhree m inutes. Then I cut up a ban;:!na on top, and J call thai breakfast . Rut Maxim wanted to Iransport me back to my youth by having me e;:!t a shit·ton of cold brNkfast cereals and pick my 10 favor· ites.F.atingbowlaflerbowlwasareminderlhal waybackwhen, mymom loved me enough to give me all t he sugar and plast ic [ w,m ted.

10. Puffins Original

.BA~BAR"S BAn~vJ

1love t he name oft hiseerea!' I've seen puffins, and th ey are some goofy,lovable liule birds. It also sayson the box that Puffins are "all natu· rat" J have no idea why "all natural" is supposed 10 be good. HI Va nd arse n ic a re "all natural." Anyway, Pu ffins are a fine li ttl e cereal.

9. Honey Nut Cheerio$

G~",~Al'" llS}

Ch«rios bring back memories. I actuallydon'l think I ate them much as a kid, though; maybe it'ssomesort ofJungian memOl)', 1don't know. But they have so mu<h sugar, il's greal. ..I)on'tm.... m . tum this Into

dI""oIat, mllcl

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8. Cinnamon Chex

Awesome ,These .Ire basicallysugarwith th;:!l "party mix' vibe underneath . Really good_

7. Peak Protein

-

ackwhen 1was l(hJld. all the way th rough when 19ot out of Greenfield High School (note I say "got out of· ,lnd not "graduated from"), my mom

woke me for school every

morning. Unli 11 started wearing dungarees (as

she called them), shc\\'Ould iron my POlots right before lief! so , could walk 10 school on fret!l\ingMilssachus.e Us mo rnings wi l hwamllegs. She would offer 10 cook me anything I wan ted

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for breakfast. l could have had !)aeon and eggs, pancakes. orporridge. Fuck! Norman Rockwell never heard of a(hildhoodas perfect as mine . So 1 had my choice of any brea kfast food mixed with my mom's love, but being a call ow asshole,l wouldinsiston a bowl ofcoldcercal, with a chcap plastic toy inside the box, In the long run , a bowl of sugar and plastic that's adverti sedonlV isn't better than a mothe(s lo ve , In Ihe short run, however, I hey were tied T(xby I'm an oalmeal man .When I'm living

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This is hippie granola that doesn't saY"OIgank." Maxim sen t me plenty of organic cereals. but there,ue nonc on this list.That's bec;:!usethe word "organic: when not followed hytheword "che m istry" to mean "carbon based," makes me fucking bug-nutty. At best. "organic" on food is a lying scam, Jnd at worst it's rkhA meri~ans not giving a fu<k how many peopl e in developing nations they kin by decreasing the amount of food that CJ n be grown on an J Cre in order toad here to "organ ic" stJnciards. 1had 10 mention it or you 'd wonder why just . .

MA XU MllX YUMHY I

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putting Ihe word ·organic~ on the box automa!ically pu ts your product behind "Toasted Piss- Frosted Goat Sh il lels' on my scorecard . Peak Protein really does taste like it was made by some dirty hiPl,ie In it dirty hipl,;e

kitchen- but I'm positioning thai as a good thing. II 's delicious. Very chewy. You act u ally get tired chewing it. The sunnower seeds and

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ingfood. [haven'l had it inol while. but J"mgoinglo start eating it again. I ale it for l his art iclewi th milk. b ut I' m going tostart putt ing it in yogu rt with jam agai n . Lots ofjJm. They say Ihediffere nce between jam and jelly is I can't jelly my cock up your ass ... bu t I think I can. 1 like Grape-Nuts.

cinnamon mix together nicely.The onlydraw-

4- Frosted Mini-Wheats ,HllOG

back is t he raisins. Ilike soft Tolisins .These are hard raisins. These are Pame.la Anderson raisins and not Kitten Natillid.ui raisins.

I love the feeling of shredded whea t. I love healthy bird food with a fun-to-eal feel. Then you spraythemwith sugar. and I'm there. llove the way they interact with milk; theyget soggy in a cool way. And I like them dry right ou t of the bo". too_ My friend Jessie says that being an adult means being able to eat candy for breakfast . Some people can'l admil that they wan t candy for breakfast. so there are a lot of cereals. like thL~. that just give candy a differ· ent name and put it in a box for breakfast.

6 . Golden Crisp .1>{ (I Thiscere.al used t o be called Sugar Crisp.They

let the bear on the box keep his Sugar Bear T-shirt, but they changed the nameofthe cereal tuGalden Crisp. ldon', knowiftharsbec~use sug~r is had

now, bUI il m~kes no difference to me . I thinksugarisgood. ThiSI~Sleslikebeing a child 10 me . I guess it really is Just ea ling sug.lT- whoops.l mColngold- bu l llike il.

5. Grape-Nuts

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Grape-Nu ls is t he egg ueam of cereolls (noegg. nocream;nogrolpes, nonuls) . ll holstobeone ofthe mosl Soli isfying foods. II sure isn'l sweel enough. bUI il deli nil ely feels like you 're e~t-

3.CinnamonToastCrunch

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I had ne\'ertried it before this article. so there's no nostalgia forthecereal, but a lot of nostalgia for my mom's cinnamon toast. Man, it's the perfeci cinnamon·sugJT tOJst taste. Once again. I've learned that if you put enough sug· ar on PJcking pcJnu ts. I'll eJt them .

Little Box of Horrors These products will never be an important part of Penn's complete breakfast Good Friend. Hiah Fibe. c._a! Cin ...... Raioin Cnonch [Kaslll] Why do Good Friends ¥Id Hiah .olIer ao 101m-I I don't eet ~. This bo_ -'so SOI)'S: -r<Ieorly lfi,of )'OUrd~ ~ nt«Is.Neorly1 What isnotty!3'M ¢I'l l &I'HS ,8% is not1yl3'J'. I don\ lft It.

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_NutChn11o'[GM] -Flowor..!";O> rol ~~" What ~ lhal ~an! I don't til<e banana lIawr in onyt~in& but bananas. t would lil:e a ban .... on "'1 (<<01, 1M; baflli'll 11.>.-0' I..., coed.

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Howwerd to nan¥ a childrfll's ~"er a Colonial Ametian hard liquot. But, IIIJf!S$ "'Mounuin 0-"" is • soft drink ~ after the .. ~ DId of 1MhanoI, ... what do' knowl BUll .... ceo-eai wd<s.

b t o - [GMl This cern! conskt.of lTuil· II~ t03$t..! corn with manhm>lows.1 don' 'ke orry oflhaL NOI good ~ has a luckinl clown on I.... boo: te ling)'OU it'. "" aood.

52 MAXlH • JUNEltI09 www.storemas.com

Frosted Flakes (of Com) :m~OGG.'"S1 Ws hard to De fair in this Jrt ide because it's Jll

2..

about com fort and nostalgi a. Man. when 1taste "SugJr Frosted Flakes"- and they arc sugJr· frosted- I'm Just happy. Havea bowl now. '-I an. they're good. My sister-in-IJw, who works in advertising for General '-lills. said. *00 you know how much sugar is in that cereal?" like it was a bad thing. '-Iaybe it is, but I like sugar. Wholt bothers me is, why do you need a parentheticill in the name of acereal?Whyis "of comparen thetical? Irs the - (You Gatta) Figh t for Your Right (to Partyr of cereal names.

Cocoa Krispies .'~l.l.O 5j These are the best;theytaste like food and can·

1.

d y together, but more like Colndy. 1wish Snap. Cr.ackle. and Popweredifferen t characters for I he Cocoo Krispies bo". bull guess thal's dangerous thinking. Tml h fully, Coun l Chocub has <I much better name and a be tter box. The art on the Chowla box is really hip and mini· malist, and I love word plays that are this far from successful: "Chocula" sounds nothing like "Dracula." It's not even a good pun. II's just a crazy perSOIl naming cerea l out t heir ass, and I like thaI. Count Chocula is great cereal, but the marshmallows fuck it up. [ don't like li tt le cereal marshmJ llows. My children love I,uc ky Charms, and they pick those fucking marshmallows out and just eJI t hem. but those marsh mallows piss me off. I prefersoft, Jayne Mansfield mJrshmJllows. With Cocoa Krispies, there's that rice vibe that makes it srtm like it migh t be food. but tholt chocolate (andy vibe is the mos t impor· tant part. Man, i"s just great . When I wake up hungry in the middle of the n ight, ' his is what I want . I had a box by the halh tu b for J wh ile, and I would get up in themiddleofthe night 10 takea bollh and read and eat these by Ihe hilMIfullike ~ nolked wei gian t ravenous hairy miss· ing link (Maybe not I heifllilgeyuuwant in your head. but I have to live it.)lJttleescaped Kris~ ies would fall in lOIhe hathwaler. and the oext moming there would be washed-out. dried-up bunchesof rice around the drain. which proves the caloric con tent of my hathwatercould h ave nourished Asia. This is good eating. •


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Prepare for ultimate r,fr,wm.nl Grab a Bud Light Lime and experience the superior drinkability 01 Bud Lizht with a splash of 100% natural lime ftavor; One taste and you'll find

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THE SUMMER STATE OF MIND.


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MOON STR.UCK

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Who needs the Governator wt.lenJJou've got the scorching-hot Moon loodgood • burning up the screen in Terminator Salvation? Apocalypse wow!

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BY RUTH HILTON PHOTOGRAPHS BY STEPHAN WORTH

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AT ACONVENTlO NTll E0IRECTOR. MeG, MENnONED WHAT SOUNDED UKE ACRAZY OUTDOOR TOPLESS SCENE. WAS THAT TOUGH TO SHOOT? It was extremely cold. and the rain machine was freezing. I couldn't stol) shivering. but when the cameras roll. you have to be stili. I' m not in hi bited about my sexuality or nudity as long as it's done in a non.demeaning context

010 THE SCENE MAKE THE MOVIE? I don't think so. and I'mOKwith that.

WERE YOU ON SfT OURING COSTAR CHRISTIAN BAlI'SINFAMOUSRANT? J was in my trailer, and to this day I haven 't

heard it. Christian is the most professional per· son, and I th ink it's eilsy to take th ings out of context. II's not indic~t ive of his ch~raCieT.

TllEV GOT UNDA HAM ILTON TO BE PART OF THE MOVIE. DlO ANYTHING COM EOF MCG'SREQUEST TO GfT ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER? That! (an'tsay. I'm sworn to secrecy.

YOU'RE BEING IMMORTALIZED IN THE TERMI· NATDR St4LVATIONYlDEO GAM E. ARE THEREANY SPECiAl MOVES YOU'DUKE TO 00 IN REAL UFE? I'd like to w~lk up and jump off buildings like in (roll,lIi'19 Tiger, HiddCTI D'(lgoll. Iwantlo be as toughas 1can be. I'd love to be Jacki e Cnan.

HOW CAN AGUY GfT YOUR AmNTION? Fore~rymenacing pairofl asereyes sit·

ting atop an impenetrable metal frame. there'sa badass chick ready to kick robot butt. EnterTrnninalOrSulvation's Moon Blood· good. Following in the action·heroine foot· steps ofI.inda Hamilton's iconic Sarah Connor is no easy gig, but the lemlinallycool Moon who plays ballsy fighter pilot BlairWilHamstakes it all with a wry sm ile. Having started oul as a La.ker Girl at only 17. she's no stranger to being the cen ler of attention. Listen in as the half·Korean. half·Outeh·lrish. all·bombshell talks F.bomb-dropping costars. horny robots. andThai Ping.Pongballs.

)

THAT BURNT·OUT CAR YOU'RE RECLINING ON IN OUR SHOOT LOOKS PRETTY COM FV. I love looking like ~ badass. Just so everyone knows, there is nophoto shoot that's comfort· ~bl e when you're this scanti Iy clad.

00 YOU TlUNK SALVATION IS SOING TO SAllS FV TIRMINATOR FREAKS? I'm hopingthe die-hard fans love it and respect it. and I also hope to get some new fans.

YOU HAVEA ROBOT KISS IN THE MOYIE. YOU'RE NOTINTO HOOKING UPWITH ROBOT OUOES IN REALUFE, ARE VOU? Does a robot have a tongue? ! just wonder jf making love would be robotic. 1"01 definitely not into that. Listen. every woman Hkes a hard body. but that takes it to a whole other level .

Moon's Musts

I'm into chivalry. As much as I' m J guy's girl with a potty mouth. a polite man who ollCns the door is so refreshing.

Let's just say Iwentto one of those Ping.Pong ball shows in Thailand and almost got into a fight. There were some aggressive people around. and I don't like being shoved. Check outTerm;n~!or SaNa!;on preview on p:>ge 39.

A few of our ewer Blrl's favonte trunllS

BUTVOU OOWEAR THOSE KINOS OF ClOTHES WHEN YOU'RE RELAXING AT HOME, RIGKY? Oh, yc~h , J just sit around in my thong!When I'm at home I'm in a T·shirt and granny undies. I think wome n look sexy in men's clothing.

GRANNY PANTIES?SERIOUSLY? Yup. granny panties, I'm telling you , it's sexy, bec~use you don'llook like you 're trying.

56 MAXI M .

• SCIINCE fiCTION

• THI LJUCERS

• CLASSIC RIDIS

• kARADICE

"Sd·fI mo'o'ie<; , timulate me Ilove 81"* Runller, Predator, Star W. " ..;",d IV. s.ern more eptSO<les of Star Trd th.n anyo ne. Th3l"$ pro i»bIy why I <'lljoy doing these him,!"

"I grl'W up 011 b3Sl<etbal~ . nd then I be<::tm<.' .l:tker Girl.1gOllo be righton the

-My dream;' to have an

"Idon~ like cluM ..mere

old-school Poncho.- or

you <3111 he.. yourseH

Corvette. Nothingtoo H., hy, but 'oOmethingtl!at has atlml.'ie<s<ooi. I"m into . n!ique$.,.nd Ireally do Iowold cars."

thmll ~ ke karaoke bar.. And Ionly.od the '8os.

court and watch amazing games. Iwa''luile yo ung. SO it was great Piu5. ba<. ketbalf players are "",/."

JUNElOO9

www.storemags.com

'Summer of '69,' '&otte 03\11$ Eyes; ""y Journey ... 1 love powe r boll3d<."


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DRAGONFRUIT I

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-_~)YOI_


The tenacious comedian gets prehistoric in this month's Year One, Prick up your ears as he reveals his deepestthoughts on weed smoking, kung fu fighting, and ball sucking, BY NEAL POLLACK PHOTOGRAPH BY F. SCOTT SCHAFER

YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSIN ES8 ALMOST 2D vaRS NOW. DID YOU EVER THINK YOU'DBE DESCRIBED AS AN ICON?

he t ries to concentrate on the character, he's like. Is thut duddy'

ing. I was psychcd towrite more screenplays, but that kind of killed my writing career.

I didn 'I knowthat rd achieved iconstatus_ The tmmpetsaresoundingfromon high . I fcd like royalty_ It's kindoflike being on h'ount Rushmore. Of downs. Clown Rushmore.!'I1 take it. Thanks.Maximl

YOU SHOWED OFF SOM EKI LiER MOVESFOR A PANDA. DOYOU KNOW KUNG FU YOURSELF?

VOU RECENTlV PLAVED THE GRAND OlE OPRY IN SUPPORT OF YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW, THE LEGEN OARV BASSIST CHARUE HADEN. YOU ALSO SANG ONHIS NEW ALBU M.IS COUNTRY MUSIC, UKEVOU'VE SAIO, REAtLV IN YUUR DNA?

IN rEARONEYOU CElTD UVEntROUGHTHE ENTIRE BOOK OF GENESIS. DID YOU READ THE BIBlE TO PREPARE FOR YOUR ROLE? I did go to Hebrew school and got my ba rmi tz· vah, so! wasn't a stranger to the Good Book For the movie I just stuck to the OldTestament. ! got all the way through towhere it got super boring. And th en I bail ed. There were a lot of

names in a row, and then I said, ''I'm out of here . Who do I think I am,Sean Penn?" And! flungi t out the door .

WHAT HISTO RteAl CHARACTER WO UlO YUU MOSTUKfTOPLAY? 1was in a Hull.' Internet short called "Drunk History"where I portrayed Ben Franklin.rve been obsessed wi th him for a whi Ie, but I don't t hink I'd be the one cast to play t hat role in a real movie. It would have to be a prett y punk-rock version . The guy was the best-he inven ted c1l:ct rkity, he loved to fuck. hewas a nudist and a pothead. 1just like the way herolled .Thedude WilSall about the weed.

SPEAKING OF WEED, DO YOU HAVE AMEDICAL MARIJUANA PRESCRIPTION? No.1 haven 't really been smoking since 1 had my babies. It's lAIsically limited tocele bratory Js on special occasions. I did smoke the other day before a meeting, and it was a big mistake. I '01 a lightweight. and ifJ smoke reall y powerfulweed,l get paranoid and nonverlAll.

HAS YOUR SON SEEN KUNG RJPANOA? He has. but he never asks for i!. He might be a HUll.' bitweirded out that it's his daddy'svoke. That takes him out of the illuSion --every time

I got a couple oflessons from a Chinese guy I think is the real deal. tic studied in the Wudang I.lountains for like 20 years. ! had a really gm experience, but he went backtoChina, and I' m getting ready to go to London to film Gullillfr's Travels. 1need to fuckin' fi nd a good master.

WITH ALL THESE UPCOMING PROJECTSGUWYER, PLUS SEQUELS TO SCHOOL OFROCK AND KUNG FUPANOA-IS TENACIOUS DEVER GOING TO APPEAR AGAIN? We just played a benefit concert in L.A . a few weeks ago. It was gre.l!. I'd Hke to pl.ly more shows, but we need to put o ut an album first so we C.ln tour properly. You want to Johnn y AppleseedyoUTshi t around.There'snoreason to playshowsotherwise . though it is fun.

WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST 61 n YOU EVER RECEIVED FROM AO-CIPLE? Somebodygave me a paint ing of me nud e. Oi:J.. viously, they just imagined what I'd look like.

WERE THEY ANATOMICAllY ACCURATI? They were very generuus. rm gunna say yes.

WAS ITTOUGH FOR VOUWHEN THE TENACJOUSO MOVIEFLOPPEO? It was a body blow. mainly because we had so mmh fun making it. I got,) lot out of the ....Ti l-

''I'd like to play Ben Franklin He was all about the weed"

60 MAXIM • JUNE 2009 www.storemags.com

It felt like it. When I went in to lay down the t rack. it was my first time in that genre. and! cranked it out in one take . But I still don 't own any countrymusi<- Just because it's in my DNA doesn't mean it's in myiPod . Ye t.

AREYOUANERO? ! have some nerdy tendencies. 1 really like science fiction .T hat's one of the hallmarks of nerdi t ude. But I'm kind of a jaywalker. I'll be into the nerdy stuff, but I'll also be into frathouse jockstuff I really love the NBA.! follow t he sport pretty dosely.

ARE VO ULIKE JACK NICHOLSON WITH YUUR COURTSIOE LAKERSSEATS? No. 1relyon t he kindness of studiocxe{u t ives. When I gctthe CJl1, t hey ~y. "I)oyou want to sit courtside?" But those calls are very few and far betwee n now that t he Lakers JTC t he hottest t icket in town.

IN moPic THUNOERYUU STARRED ASAJUNKIE WHO OFFERS TO, UM. SERYICEH ISCAST MATES FOR AFIX. HOW lO NG BEFORE YOU LET YOUR KIDSSEETHATONE? Nottill they're men .That's notreally a number, is it? 1think we all knowwhen we become men . I' ll look into hi s eyes and say, ~You're a man now. It's time for you tOClljoy TrupirThunder. See whJt Daddid when YOllwerejust a baby.~

010 YOU ACTUAllV SUCK ANY BALLS WHILE FILMING IT? No. I can safelysayl've neversuckeda lAIlI.Not t hat 1have anything against lAIlI suckers. •


JUN[ ;>009. MAXIM

www.storemags.com

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·.. .··,

MIXologists. start your blenders' It's time for Maxims guide to the

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( KILLER SUMMER COCKTAn.S )

CfilZlest cocktails. hottest bartenders. bawdie;1 beach bars. and secretes! hideaways Follow ........,:us down the hatch_, ...

Dal'k 'n' Extl'a

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Mixed at: Nadonal27 (n27chicago.com) Origins: ThIs Windy Oty l..i!tin restaurant puts its ovm spicy spin on this powerful yet refreshing summertinle Bermuda·born cocktail.

+ S sUces fresh ginger

PHOTOGR .... PHS BY S.... TO SHI

• y, a lime. quar!ered • I oz. simple syrup

• B Yucateal green chill habanera S<I' ..... + 15oz. dark rum

+ "'" """Binser + Cardied

"'''N'O. C,:!RIS WILSO N. MIKE O......WSO N. .... ND STIN SO N C.... RTER

www.storemas.com

in a pint glass. muddle the Binger. lime. simple syrup. and 11 few dash es of the chili sauce. Add nun FiU glass with ice. top with soda stir. Gvn!sh With lirr\e arv:t randied ~.


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Free pii\a coladas and hepatitis A

e""ry Friday!

Take a Dive! A txelly noppers gUide to the wilde,1 hotel "wet" bars, 1 / Rehab at the Hard Rock Hotel &0 Casino las Vegas This Sunday meearest draws tmusands of bikini-dad par ty eirls and the tribal -tattooed meatstkl<s who lave 'em. h ardrock hote l,com

Z Thompson LIS Hotel New York ctty Ex!XJSe yourself to Andy Warhol whose freaky face is lithographed 00 the bottom of the pool, thompwnles ,com 3 / The Raleigh Miami This South Beach gem is where yuill spot nearly every A-lister tan n ins their buns, raleighh ot e l,com

!

4 / The Chelsea Atlantic ctty An oasis in slot -machine hell, it attracts busJoads of N,Y,C. bikini enthusiasts. the chelsea -ac ,com

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5 The Moorlnes Village The florida Keys !-bme to many a svvimsuit fash ion spread, this compound features a jumbo pool lined with tan ned BOddesses, rrworine5vil!age.com

6

OrbltlnHotel Palm Springs, CA Giant pool and a Tetro Rat Pack vibe, Book itl orbilin .com

7 The Eldorado Santa Fe,NH Order a pitcher of gok:! margaritas and freak OIJtat the New Mexican skies at this rooftop svvimming pool par ty, e lcloradohote1.com 8 / The Roosevelt los Aneeles The pool here is a fixture OIl Entoumge, Fi x your 'shrinkase' while watching the bevy of hotties mil in. hollywoodroo ~lt ,com

The two .... I.. do ... to all life ', problems

Cruzin Cooler

---:--

... The 1.000 Watt Cruzin Cooler

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runs rn an electric motor,la sts 00 rueged terrain up to 15 miles (its top speed is a troctor-pulling 13 mph ), rarriesa case of beerand, best of all. can tote a driver weighin g up to 300 pounds. So go ahead and enjoy yuUf lunchl $799, cru zincoale r.com

..

HAPPY HOURS >LECENTRAL D,1;1, R IfL RSDAY-SUNDA' 3-0

F'

APPS S7 All IV· II DR llhS S3 >THE EDISON lOS AIIGIIIS ) JUNE2009 • MAXlM

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apt .... V. n .. -.cIn..:k trap

On the Waterfronts AIXXl1e ,I Ix.

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1 / The crab Shack Tybee Island. CiA ThIs sandy OUtlXlS1 near savannah attracts locals for the crab boils and stellar SWl· set views. thecrabshack.com

4 ! The Rudder Ciloucester. HA HaJ18 on the patio with the local salty-oos fishermen and you'D earn your manly ~

Z ! Cha Cha's Coney Island. NY Owned by 50pfanas regular John "Cha Cha" CiarXa this dive Is festOOlll.'d wfth Godfa · therand Tony Danza regalia.

5 / The Rod & Reel Pier

cl\achasofconeylsland.com 3 / Rum Runners Palm Harbor. FL

Stl'amed dams. frozen rum runners. and trashy Tampa. SIJlsIrumrunnersfun .com

legs. rudderrestaurant.rom Anna Harla lsJand. Fl This Florida pier shack turns out ooe of the best blackened 8fOUpl'r sandwk:h!!s on the

gulf. 941·n B·IBBS

6! Howard's Pub & Raw Bar ocracoke Island. NC A superlocal. know·your· name oversize beach bunga. Iow. Beanlnsider In the Outer Banks. howardspub.com

A Michelada Mash Note

( KILLER SUHMER COCKTAILS )

Hovv to make our favorite summer beer· tail.

Hlxed at : The Cclwnn:s Hotel Bar (thecoIumns.com) OriSlns; At tru ltalianate-style hotel and bar. the 95-year-old cocktail is We· oied up with a pickled gr~ bean. known In the BiS Easy as a 'spiced bMn"

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u.n", 1 O 12oz.Me><kanbee", v.. Isp. T'brmq ..... >n tsp. W;oceslo!f'

hall ard Id:I Si'lICI!S wwte. PruI

shirt. CUt ~ irI hall, Use half d limew~ !herhdchllll'dgla$s.

in Mexbi,bHr (Modekl EspedaL Corona. Tec.n).llrtnk and'qxG.

+ 20l.vodka + 4-60l. V8juice + 1 tsp. horseradish + 'h. tsp. fresh lirre julce + 4 dashes Tabasco sauce + " dashes WJicestershire satt:l! + I pinch celery salt

Mix Ingredients and pour over ice In a Collins slaSS' garnish with spiced bean (noJacajun.com. Of try the Was· abeansat ril:kspicksnyc.com). two green o!JVes, and a re'ery stalk. ln NewOrIean5, this drink Is considered "a meaJ." thanks to all those Yege:ies.

IRIDAY 5-8 PII 35e MARIINIS AND IREEGRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES>RAY'S BOATHOUSE SEA11tE DAILY 4-61'11 S4 BEER HALIPRICI 64 MAXIM • JUNE zoog www.storemags.com


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( KILLER SUMMER COCKTAILS )

The Five-Second Beer Fridge Wash down your DTs fast with this DIY project.

Mixed at: The Foundry ill. Mc(oy's (toundryla;.oom) Orilins: This bowl of txain·duJling de!icbJsness. based on tt.! Blue Hawaiian. shoukl be sipped slmultareousty by four LyI!es (rot you) at your 88Q.

+ ~ cup Nerds candy + "... gallon goldfish bowl + 5 oz. vodka

+ 4 SwedISh gummy fish

+ Soz.MaliWrum +3 oz. blue ClJfill;OO + 6 oz. sweet·and-sotlr mlx + 16 oz. pineapple juice

Sprinkle Nerds in bowl as 'grove!." Fill bowl with Ice. Add rest of lngre· d~ts. Serve with Ions party straws.

+ 16 oz. Sprite + 3 slices each: Iemcn JJme. orange

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• Swlu' 7 S~

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Maxim's Sunday Punch A sweet slam to the head that's suaranteed to

rr.3ke you skip church-aro worl< 00 Monday!

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WOMeN [l[l llND [lARS

( KlUER SUMMER COCKTAILS )

Mixed at: Bar Lubitsch (323-654-1234) Origirui: This light. summery CDdctaiI comes courtesy of Bar Lubltschnamed alter the labled 1930s Russian immigrant movie directOf Ernst Lullltsch-a VIXIka Iounse on Sarna Honlul Boulevard In West HoIlywoOO. a neighborhood wlth deep RussIan rootS.

+ 3~. JX)tato vodka

MI'm stI. rln:

Combine Ingredients. Shake. 5efve In a birdbath champagne Blass !I you don't have a rurumber, a ~ wedse will do. If you don't have a birdbWl Blass (shamel), use a maninlBIass.

+ 4 sikes ITJ.IddIed seedless

you. drink with ""1 m lnd,-

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+ ~ oz. fresh ~ juke • Spoonful of SU8aI'

Pick Their Poison! 1'-1-:':-h j"p rpi,ill1P<:; i \' l: '" ' h;:- lTofl7P 'h"'i '='nr:<JI <:;,-,

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66 HAlCIN • JUNU~ www.storemags.com

II

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Is it a matchmaker? It's the LG Xenon. With a QWERTY keyboard and a customizable touch screen Interface, it's now faster and easier to get in touch with thai special someone. So, is it a phone? O r something better?

LG

XenonbylG.com

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[ KILLERSUHHER COCKTAILS )

The first-and onlymeeting of the picnic table jouSlingclub.

_

Destination: Drunkenness!

Mixed at; Gansevoort South {plu nge Bar) Origins: A !'()(\ to Por¥:e de Leon's claim that he found the Fountain of Youth in $1. AUBustine. Florida. this subtropical drink adds same indigenous ingredients to its rejuven atin g properties.

+ 2 oz. VeeV A~ai spirit + 3 oz. pure coconut water + 'A oz. passion fmil pur~ + 1 dlerry. l lemon.l Urre.l mange

Seven Ul1der the- radar. out -of -the-wcry summer swilleries to boat

hike. or otherwise be hellbent on getting to. "- 1

Water Taxi Beach

Lol'18ls1and City, NY Escape the Baked AwIe by ~ Jlng a !'rur-minute ferry ride to

lx=y boaters more than lives ~ to its narre am offers unsettling views of the Tampa power j:Aant, NO Web site.

~ volleyball and drink

fruity cucktails with fed-up my folk m this sam strip in Queens. watertaxibeach ,com

'l l No Name Pub BiB Pine Key, Fl Their rootto---A ni:e ~ if you can firlj if'-ring<;li1Ewhen you·re OOwning ice--ttid RIds and SIDJked fish dip in this tiny shack, """""",""" 3 Beer Can Island

Lol'18boat Key, FL White -trash party me«a for

4 { Jjmbo's Virginia Key, FL Extrerrely off ·the·beaten·path raw bar where you can ~y watching manatees froliddng near the 1k:d. 305-361-7026

6

Oeveland,OH Pull )/\Jur dinghy up to this floating party paradise an the Cuyahoga River for a mean Block Angus burger, seizureindtJ(ing light shows, and the occasional crowd -pleasing bikini (Olltest. shootersflats,com 7

S I University of Wisconsin Student Union Terrace Madison. WI S~ng a jansport over your shauIIier mingle with lhe crowds of comfed coeds flashing fake IDs at this Iegerrlary Mid"NeSt pickup zone overlooking U!ke MenOOta. union.wisc .edulterrnce

am

Shooters on the Water

Combine first thfft! ingredients in a mixing glass. Shake and strain over fresh ice. Add cherry and citrus slices. Top with fresh minI.

Section l'l. Wrigley

Field, Day Game Chlcago,IL Bas.k in the sun in this primo section (as seen in Fems Buelie(s Day Off) and wil5h dawn a Chicago-style h ot daa with a (ouple of Old Styles as)/\Ju realize ever)/\Jne else is skipping work, too rubs,com

Frozen to Go "

The Coleman ~ Rechargeable Portable Blerrler {$52. amazon.com} has stainless-steel blades. holds 48 oz. of hooch. and makes 20-30 pitchers-all on one fu ll battery charge. Hello. drunken brain freezel

Frozen ScorpiDn + 2 0>. Ugh! rum

+ .", 0>. ttar..1y

+ l oz. lreshleru::njuOoe + 2o:z.orangejun

+ ..... o>.crgeat

aIrrolrdsy'up Blerd ingred.ieru:s at high.speed wilhhilnd setve In a hlgttlall gJa<;.s. Galrtish wIIhalemJn ~landa(Mryifyw

dare Reciperourtesyof the~Hanmnt

111 West I-IoIIyvo.oxL

> MISS MAE'S IH'/ O,IIAI,S HA'" , OU, RUIISAll DAY IVIRY DAY SI WII JR I,,, S7 DOUR IS ' ICHRS 01 AIIR SIARII,G AI S4

68 MAXIM '

IUNE lOO'l

www.storemags.com


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SlumdogMil/ionaire won the 100805(ar

for Best Picture, and star Freida Pin to won our hearts. We'd like to S<ly wc've seen the movie, 5 ti mes be.::ausewe're touched byitsupliftingstory, butreallywekeepwa tching hoping we bli nked and missed Freida's shower !Kene. fortunJ.tcly, this sueen gem was n't our last (hance to gel aglirnpse oflhe Indian -born model. She has two li ollj'\l"ood flicks slated for next year, induding a Woody Allen joi nl. Hmm, wonder if the Woodm,lfj will wri te in a scenewhereasuperhot lnrlia n chick is inexplicil bly att rJeterl to a wit hcred 90-YC.:uold New Yorker...Oh, Freid .., we see .. horrifyi ng make-out sccne in your future.

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me in the most be,llltiful light. I have a searon my face. I have a black eye. Hopefully, people won't see me on ly as a beautiful modd, but also as a great actor.

that I was bum and raised in India is because it's made me that fighter, not just a sulVivor. but J figh ter aswell. lt equipsyou forall kinds of hardships.

WE WONl HOLD YOUR BEAlITY AGAI NSTVOU.IS MUM BAI AS CRAZY AS IT lOOKS IN TH EMOYIE?

V1ltrVE BEEN CAST IN ABU NCH OF HOUYWOOO fliCKS. WHERE WilL YOUR HOMEAWAY FROM HOMEINTlIESTATES BE?

Yes, it is_ Irs quite chaotic. and it's movingat a really, really fast pace-almost like someone has pressed the fast-forward button and won"t letgoofit.

New York. ! think it is very simllarto Bombay. Thechaos is the same.

IT MUST HAYE BEEN WIlD GROWIN GUPTHERE.

FIN DING APLACE IN NEW YORK IS TRICKY, FREIOA.YOU CAN CRASH ON OU RFUTON, REALLY, IT'S NOTA PROBLEM. •

Absulutely_ I think the reason I'm so happy

IF WE KNEW ANY OF THE 18MAJOR LANG UAGES SPOKEN INYOUR NATIVE INDIA. WFDTEU YOU

IN ONE OFTlIEM THATYOU ARE EXTREM ELY BEAUTIFUL YOU WERE AMODel BEFORE YOU BECAMEAN ACTRESS, RI6IfT? I modeled for two years_ After six mon ths of auditioning. Igot a call for Slumdog Millionaire. ! thuught this would be just anot her audition. But to my surprise, I was short-listed and finally sele<ted.

WAS IT HARD TO TRANSITION FROM MODEUNG TO ACTl NG?OlD PEOPLE THINK vnu WERE JUST TOO GORGEOUS TO PLAY ANORMAL PERSON? Actually. that's why I feel a film like Siumdag is so importan t for me- it doesn't always show

Woody's Angels

Freida isri! Me Aliens first hattie obsession.

CHARLIIII! THII!RO"

DRII!N .ARRYNORI Drew tesl"" o ut her vibrato in fl-'O'f}'O"" SaY' I """'" YOu, AI""'\; auempt

sCARLITT 10HA .. ssO ..

P ... II!LOPII! CRUZ

There', no better '!gilt tha n the South African

if ,he', <educ>ng the ncl>bi<hy Allen in The Curse of tile Jade Scorpioo. Scary! ~s .. even

at (ro,song 3 dy;funwonal

family drama with "Mom "' ngood dance. Sil't.

Scarlett ha, be"" AI""'''; go-to muse of late, 'ot3Tringin t hree of h.. past four hlrm.. He even wrote Scoop 'pec ifKally fo< the buxom blonde. CreeJlY1

Won 3n 0<c3r for her hot-temper"" arti'ot role in Vicly Oistina &Jrceiona, in ~K:h she $hare<! 3

perma"" ntly-;mp rint""in-our-mind, ' iss with Sc3TJo.A~

IUNE2009 • MAXIM

www.storemags.com

71


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Hundreds of sadgets blink. t\IIK>et, buzz. and vibrate their way OCTOSS our desks each year, Sure, we find a Jot of said gadgets to t:Jc"neato,"but there's a small selectirn of electronic doo-dads that absolutely blow our minds with future-is路 now awesomeness. From the hottest high-def camcorder to t~smartest cell phone ever,here are the gadBets we want to make half路human, half wire babies with. Get your tech on. folks!

the smarter p ""

the ultimate ultramobile

the.part\j-onywnere projector

the sexy pc

the futuro phone

the hiqher-fi ipod dock

!

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PHOTOGRAPHS BY SATOSHI

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the smarter phane

palm pre Unless Ihe girls you're into gCI turned on by your holster-fes tooned belt, carrying two phones sucks. But slinging two (clilcs hils been a necessary way 10 keep your personal and professional lives in check. Un til t he Pre, that Is. Palm's new sma rt phone merges

BlackBerry·ish case of typing wi th the "holy shit , Ihat 'seool' (aclorof an i Phone and promiseslo reduce the numberofextranL'Qus bulges in your pants to just one. lis OS seamlessly merges all yourdigi ta l calendJrs and cootilets, J

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CONTaCT

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Categorizing the contents of your phone's speed -dial list.

yourpersonal and corporate exchange e-ma;!, even r... cebook-while eliminating duplic.lte en tries.And I he Pre has Ihe ability to run more than oneapplic~tion at a time, somethi ng even t healmigh lyiPhoneslill can', ha ndle. Basically t his me.:rns you (;In be listen ing to Inlernet radio and be playing IkjtwtW while yuu use I heslide-oulQWt R'n' keybo.:lTd losende-mails loyuurbossabout how you'restuck in traffic but will be in soon. t..lan. the future isawcsomc, Despi te all those productivity.minded featu res, the thing's still sexy-its slim, rounded body ls dressed wil h a ),1 ,inch )20X480screen th at mli iti-ioliches as well as the iPhone, The Pre is like the opposite of the mulle t: Pa rty in the fron t and buslness in the rear. We'll make lime for both. $T8A, palm.com

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• PI ....!. PizziI2 • O~tb<lck Sttakhouse cwbsFde pklrup ca. ' T alM ! Ml l a TNI La S T TIME YOU c a l LID ' 1 M '

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• Nat. who is now a rock star <tnd woulj be wt-!rd· I'd wt that you mil llave his pOOne nurrUr ~ft'"

...... ~ nyears , Gen fro idY who IHn Oil WOMIM YOU MIT IN . a . s : Z. ~ • Sam.oGIe niDlled AliSMsbI • lIrenrSo (secretly listl'<l !IS Brt'fldlonl

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the connected blu-rolj plcljer

the portlj-cnljwhere projector

samsunq bd-pl\.688

benq qpl

The Net's ilbility to deliver an endless supply ofkick-ass content to your home theater may eventuallymean thedeath ofBiu路raydiscs. But t hat's years in the future, and you have friends to impress and brain cells to waste right now. Sochcckthisout: Beside..~ playi ngBlu .ray Profi lc 2.0 discs, the BD- P4600 (.:In reach in to the Internet and pull out any titl e from Nellli"'s wild andweird "Watch Instantly" Ii braryon demand (if you're a subscri beT). After t he movie you can use it to fire up Internet radio super路 service P3nuura on路scn::cn. While SO movies get chc.lper and the qU.llity of Internet video incre<lses. I he content war will intenSify: Get thisgadget,shutyourselfin.andenjoythebest of both wurlds now. ~SQO, $amsung.(om

Pint-size and lightning-fast, the BenQ GPt is the Nate Robinson of projectors_ And just as t he 5'9" Knick proves you don't have to be hig to steal highlights, this L4-pou nd, 5'4-:"4 II"X1" box is leading a wave of crazy-small Pico pHr jectors t hat will let you bring big路screen show anywhere. This one throwsa too-lumen, SVGAresolution, 8o-inch moving image onto any wide-enough surface (rec-roomwall, bedroom ceiling, Ki rst ie Alley's ~ss, etc.), and is compatiblewith eve rything from laptops to iPhones to PS3S 10 cable boxes. It's also gol a USR reader: Toss it inyour backpack'lnd, should the need arise, you can produce thumb-drive evidence of your abilityto dunk on an eight -foot rim . NateRob wou ld be proud. $600, bflnq.(om

Calls to Granny costing you big time7Think differently and start shredding your surcharges.

i . SXYPE WITH YOUR CELL _

Our favorite ",rvice loc makina dJrt cheap lor frer:) call!; all over the worJd h"" jumpe<l to your cell Skype is now availilble as an app lo! the IPror.e 1111 soon be ava~able for 8lac:k~ne, and the Nokia N97

Z _ GO PREPAID .

Tech la&<a.-ds no more. pay-as-yOl,l go hand,..!~ are getting ST1I3rt:O\eck theQWERTY-enabled MaIOIOIil i465 (PKrur~ left, STEAl. Pair it with Boost', $SO/month unlim Ited talk text-Well plan. bo:lsfmo/>i!Hom

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J _ GO TEXT ' OXLY _ If you never CJSe y~UJ

ph"""

t~ talk aM wanna be ~ . tr~rne. get the I'eeI: Pronto. Basically, if. lil:e a Blac:k~ry without ~ phon .. n.edevke is $80 up front you pay $20/ month tOl unhrrUte(! e-m,,11 and te>rti,,!!, gefpeel<-cOIII

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(KIJ\) 8 MP31nput O' BllHltootn 8i8 so .. Acus~ries

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Starting under SI4k

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KIA MOTORS ~Pt:: it If to SWpnW

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2009 TitH TatULa.

point*shoot cameras

special farces sharp shaoters SLO ' "O ""STla

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1II"'.Cil .... "

A concealed·carry incarnation of last y~ar's craziest ultrazoom, th~ Casio EX· FCl00 can burst ·shoot faster than DSLRs several times its prke and still fits in a s.hirt pocket. Amazingly, it's almost a match spec. wise for the EX·Fl, Ci!sio's $1,000 masterpiece that shoots slo·mo video at up to 1,200 frames per sec· and, This little brother version gets close, grabbinl! 30 9J ·meeapixel stills per second through a Sx zoom lens and records video at more than 1,000 frames per second, Best of all, it's just $350. uslo.eom

HiSh dynamic range iSll"t just a trendy Photoshop tric~, It's a tech· nique that combines multiple expo· sures to reveal all the detail in a scene, from the inkiest shatlows to subtleties within the brightest fields of !iSh!. Basically. HDR photos s.how the world the way your eyeballs see It. The 9 M? Ricoh CXI, equipped with a 2'8 -200 mm worn lens. 1 em macro shooting. and 120 frames·per· second VGA vide<J rerording. is the first point 'n' shoot to tIo the tech · nique automatically, It even WillES in pinkl $3BO, rleoh.eom

The megapixci myth is history, Even t ech execs adm it there's not much poin t in pushing digital point 'n' shoot cameras past the 12 MP mark Deprived of an easy marketing yardstick. t he act ion moves to a new battlefield: Whocan crunch thewe.irdest ideas into the smallest possi· ble box? The summercamera collect ion of 2009 is all about netv,orking, novelty, and adventure-and offering something other than supersize snapshots that t ake a fueki ngweek t o upload. DII!III!P SI. SIfOOTEIil

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Specs this slim would sink: any other $330oox,but the Canon Powershot DlO doesn't mind getting wet Like, really wet. Waterproof to 33 feet down. the 12,1 MPcam also chills to 14 degrees and survives four·foot drops - makins it a grNl point 'n' shoot for tomb raiders and laBODn lurkers alike. Try nat to dwell too much an its timid 3x optical zoom lens and a sensor that maxES out at ISO 1600.lfthe price stings. Fujifilm's Z33WP 80es to 10 feet underwater fm S2OO, $330, usa,canon ,corn

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Wethovghtour new folllOritelV show, HIlrpff"S/s/lInd, t ouldn't get any ben er ;J.fter H;my Hamlin wolSdisemboweled in the first epi) .'lOdr.Thenwe SolW KJ.lieCassldy.StJ.rringa.o;Trish Wellington. the racll.ml hride who!;edesrlnarion wrodlngbecomes adestination bloodbath, Ihe gorgeous ~ Ile helped us underSland why eve~ would remain on a cursed island eVC'n u guests an getting offed one by one. AsAmeri c;J.embroltes the shows unique mixofhoTTOr movie olIId soap opera, we talked 10 Katie (Ihl:' daughtl:'r of David 'Partridge Family'" Cassidy!) ;J.OOut what aWolits herwhen she returns to Ihe mainland.

PIDSE RU 1NllIE SHOW FOR US: ARE YOU TIlE KIUfR? Everyone I~ a suspect I It's ,'in c.motlonoll roll er t Qilstc.r for Trlsh, and thc.re·s defin llely history Ihere wllh a 101 of her friends. Who lmows? Molybe she'll tum in to brideriU,'i on us.

WHATWAS llIEYIBE UKE ON SET? It was like SlIrvill!,lr-who's going to be the next person to piltk their hags ,'i ml leJ.~e7We were com pl~ ttl y in the dolrk. w~ didn't know who Ihe killerwa.~or whowols gotng loget ktlled next un l il wegol t he scripts. One day someone wollld Just be gone.

HOW WOULD THE YlcnM GETTIlE BAD NEWS? One of OIlr producers w~s the grim re~pcf. When someone got the cill to talkto him in private, you knew. Like, "Oh, shit, this is itl"1 don'l like seoets, 50 I was probably the most alUlOying c~st member!

IS TIlERE AREASON YOU'RE ABRU NEm.IN THE SHOW EVEN 1lI oUGH YOU'REUSUAWA BLONDE? Trtsh is Ihls rit hdebu tante livlngln Seallle, so Idyed my hairb«";J.use it took me out of the ulifomialrung. I'm brunette right now. and it's interestingtosec howpcople TC.lCt . When I Wol5 blond~ il Wol5 a1most .lS ir people didn 't take meuse:riously. l.ike, · Oh. here's ;J.nother blonde gill.- I don't think it's fm.

it together and I'm still J.v~iJ;J.ble , 1 would love todo il.The whole 1!Xperience has laugh t me thill you nn't pul illl yooreggs in one basket.

HOW CREEPY IS IT llIAT SO MANY WOMEN LUSTED AFTIR YOU II DAD? It's fre~ldngweird. luSll.tst nighl lhb guy asked me , -What's it like to knowyourd;J.d was oneof the sexiest men in HoUywoodr And I wn like, ' Ew! No!' He'ssonot!

TRYTEWNG THAT 10 AmY MIWON 50-YEAR-OLD WOMEN. IS TIlAT ALSO Win' YOU 01 oN1 KEEP TIlOSE ENORMOUS PRoSTll mc BOOBSYOU WORE IN CUCX? You lmowwhat? I love being naIlWhen ( had to ha~e those gianI, giam boobs in Oick, it wolSpainfui. (real~ whypcoplewilh huge boobsh~ve back problems. I could nOI wait 10 be done wi th that shoot. I think bcingna\ is sexy.

YOU'll BE PLAYING llIE UPDATED YEIISIO N OF HEATIlEIILDCKLEAR'SFAMOUSLY BITCHY CHARACTER. AMAN OA, ON THE UPCOM 1NG MELROSfPUCEIIEMAKE. W1U YOU BE 1I0CKlNG BUSINESS SUITS? for the lovc ofGod, r Inse don't PUI me in shouJdcr ~dsl Myroar. cter 15 a bitch, but you love her.And she's definitely ~ fashionist.).They're going 10 dress me in the topof the top. I'm like, ' Yoodoo't mind if! borrow Ihl~ I.oui~ Vu lnnn bag. doyou 1'

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At 6'3" and nearly 300 pounds of turbocharged muscle. UFC heavyweight champ Brock Lesnar is like nothing the sports world has seen before. And now he's facing the biggest test of his career. BY NATE PENN

PHOTOGRAPHS BY MARK MANN

S THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE GEOGRAPHically chartable 'What are its coordinates? By Jny chance do the stores there sell artificioll vaginas forcollectingbull semen 'If so,Alexandria, ~ lirmesota (pop. 11,(00), halfway tween Mi nneapolisand Fargo, North !lakota, migh t verywdl bt: it. On a frigid morningine3fly ~1JKh, a man

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Jhlrks his '89 Dodge pickup in front of a large shed in an industrial sec tion of Alexandria.

He wears a huge black parka that-well, on second glance, it tumsuut t o be a hOlldic.The illusion o f parka-ness comes from the man's

massive bulk.At 6')" and nearlYJoopounds, he's like Sasquat ch in swea ts. On November 15.2008. t his man, Bruck Lesnar-previously an NCAA wrestling national champion, a WWE superstar, and a late cut from the Minnesota Vi kings training camp-won the heavyweight title of the Ultimate Fighting Championship by knocking out UFC legend RandyCouture in a devastating displayofbarelywntrolledviolence. It was just his fourth professional mixed martial artswmpct ition. Inside the shed is a small room that's carpeted from wall to wall in thick black corrugated rubber.There are treadmills, shelvesofdumbbells in five-pound increments from five pounds to 115 (lesnaruses t he heaviest for shoulder presses. but good luck trying to lift one). and beyond, a spacious. high-ceilinged gym , Within a wuple of min utes Lesnar"S

92 MAXl H

{Oach, ~larty Morgan, and training partner, ChrisTuchscherer, arrive, each ofthem having driven morethan 10Q miles toget here. We're a longway from Vegas, where many UFC fighters live and train . On theother hand. we 'rec1ose togun stores. ice fishing holes. and large edible ani mals,.:Ill of which rank high among the amenities favored by Lesnar. "' Everything in here is mine,~ he says defiantly, looking around. "It's a wn t rolled environment. I don't have to have people in here t hat I don', want JTound." Heducks in to the gym's tinydrcssing room and minutes later emerges naked except for a pair of black training shorts. If! were supposed tofight him, this is the part where I'd forfeit. Forye.:lrs steroid rumors have dogged u:sn ar , and certainly there's somet hing bra~en about a physique like his at this part icular moment in sports history. Hiss6-inch chest looks like it was made to hedrapcd with shackles; it's the torso of a man who, in another time, migh t have led a ga Hey slaves' rebell ion. His 51 it~yed, crew-cut head is 1ike a bou 1der you might find lying around Easter Island. He seems simultaneou sly mythological, like a golem, and cartoonish,li ke the Thing. Lesnar tunes in toan all-metal station on the radio. and a P.O.D. track beginschumingthrough the room. Afewwarmupcxercises later, he and Tuchschererdon gloves and begin sparring. "Forward. forward'- Lesnar yells, butTuchsch erer, a beefy, dopey-sweet blond kid whoweighs l6S, can' l stop retreating. As Lesnar hammers him with fists the size of cinder blocks. Tuchscherer covers his face. Behind his gloves you Gm see him wincing i n fear- a strange sigh t in a man so larg~ . He inches ten l atively toward Lesnar; all he's doing. it seems. is trying not to be a pussy. Finall y. the inevi table: Lesnar lands a huge. crunching shot tothe side

• JUN£2009

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ofTuchschercr's head-and thcn turns away. suddenly bored. It's not easy for the haddesl man in sports to find a worthy foc. McanwhileTuchschercr leans against t he wall, blinking and work·

inghis jaw and fadal musdes. "I was so dizzy! would have fallen o~'er ifl didn't grabthcwall," he 5.lys later. ~ I had t ogathcrmy brain upagain .~ On that morning, I'm lat er told. Lesnar was sparri ng at just 70 percen t of his full strength.

* ••• "lliKETO PUNISH PEOPlE,~ LESNAR SAYS MILDl.Y. HISWORKOUT IS done, and beating th e tar out ofTuchscherer appears to have put him into a stateofbl issti.11 relaxation. from a bench at thc far end oft he gym, hegestures toward t he mats . "It's a feelingyou can '\ get anywhere else, re.llly.1 fI did it to somebody on t he stTet:t, I'd get sued or arrested." Instead LesnaT, by fusing the showmanship he learned as a professional wrestler wi t h t he ilthletk gifts that won him an NCAA championship, is quickly becoming the greatest pay-per·view staTof ourtime. last year, his first in the UFC, his fightstookthreeoft hetopfiveplaces among bestselling events. Largely because of the 2.2 million buys he generated, t he UFC smashed the all-time record, set by the WWE during it s glory days in 2001, for pay·per-view revenue by a single organization in a calendarye.lr.And boxing? "Boxing isdone.lt's fucking over, man ,~ says UFe president Dana Whi t e, a fomler boxer himself. "Remem ber in boxingwhen you'd want t o see the big fight. but they could never make it happen ?Well. all our figh t ers are u nder contract. We make the fights that the fans want to see right now." Today, even as the first generation ofl/Fe stars begin to approach retirement, Lesnar's box office appeal isexpandi ngthe sport's fan base. He's been pushed accordingly, earning a shot at the heavyweight title in just h is third figh t. ~lfBrock lesnarwas never in the WWE: says Fran k "-l ir, against whom Lesnarwill mount his first title de fense on July II. ~he would neve r have gott en a ti t le shot , And he knows t hat. But t hat 's how peOI)le get paid. The boltom line is it's not always about who's a better fighter. Brock Lesnar grew up desperately poor on his family's dairyfaml in Webster, South Dakota, a town so sparsely populated it makesAlexandria look like New York As a kid. he says. "I was always fascinated by strength. Arnold was an idol of mine." Lesnarwrestled in high school, but without anyoverarchingsenseof purpose. "I thought I was gonna H

be a farmer," he says , A discouraging stint with the National Guard led loan epiphany: "I wanted togo to school. I wanted towreslle . 1wanted tobesomethingotherthanwhat Iwas.~ At BismarckState in 1998, Lesnarwon the national junior college title . A year later, and an astoundingso pounds he,wier, he transferred to t he I/niversityofhlinnesota. l n his two years there, lesnarwould go 50-2, capture two BigTen titles, and, as a senior in 2000, win an NCAA heavyweight championship, HecouldhavepursuedTeam USA in Sydney that year but didn't. "After 1 won the national title, 1 was pretty exhau sted," Lesnar says, not very convincingly. He also could have tried out for the NFL: the Redskins and Hucs both made offers, even though he hadn't played football since high school. In all , three avenuesopened to him , but onlyone hadVlnce/l,ldlahonstandingaltheendofitholdingacheck foraquarter of a million dollars. In the spring Lesnar announced his decision to swi t ch from real sports to fake. and the WWE dispatched him to Ohio ValleyWrestling in Louisville. Kentucky- the minor leagues. He says the 15 mon ths he spent there were like something oul ofThl'WreS!!fT: ~ I was settingthe ring up and tearingthe ring down. rwas I.nestling in bars and bingo halls and Cat hol ic churches_"'

Fantasy Fight

OBAMA VS. OsaMA

ANISTON VS. IOLIE

O' REIUY WS. OlBERMA MN

""

"

170Ibs,

19S1bs.

WIMNER : OBAMA WhiJ~ the gangly III Que<Ia villain hasa Io~er r~iI<h.

it's t<>Ugh 10 duck Obama'. All·like jabs while tet hered to a dialy:o!s rnao:hin!'

94 MAXIM .

50 C(NT VS, RICI ROSS

'"

'"

27S lbs,

2t5 lbs,

WINNER: IOLIE Alter her army of third-

WINNU : OLBERMANN

WINNEII: !iIl CENT

~MO'R~Iy's

world ol]lhan!; distr.l<'l

vieor imd prowess with

th~ child·hungry Aniston.

.

COLBERT WI. A BEAll 511"

""""

SIMPSON WS , 'RIFFIN

L4001bs.

Homers !iI<ed aHens, can·

jotie turns out the ll<lhlS with a spinnlnB oo.:k lick,

a loolah, ourmooey'son Kelth'S ma:ssilie I\08!lln -de· Uver,O!! a lethal head butt.

R= Is a buffet-Iov,!\! lor · me' prison CO; Fitty sur Vl'/ed nine gunshots. Look fur a jow "ac:I:i"il riSh! tu the duns!r.lp beard,

WINNER : BEAR It was 0fI1y a ""'!ler of betore the Bea, Nationgot itswn~ance, One swip" leav"" Cobert deader than !!le GeP,

1I01'Iba11s, and an octopus. He snaps hIS lingers and h~lper monkey Mojo snaps Griffin's neck.

*

*

*

*

JUN ElOO9

www.storemags.com

U~

WINNER : HOMER


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Reillizing that it was about to lose t he Rock, its biggest stilr, to Hollywood, theWWE liltchedon to l.esn..r, and just five months after hislV debut milde him, at 250lts youngest champ ever. He signed a seven-yeilr contract reportedly worth S45 million. "When you get money and you've ne\'er had it before, maybe you want toshow it off," l.esnM acknowledges. -[ acted foolishly." He owned four homes,il private plane. two Hu mmers. a Merredes. "Did you put any money aWily'Could yOU retire todilY if you wanted to~" 1 ask. 411at's privilte," he~ys curtly. "Rut IfObama keeps spcndingourmoney like this, I'll hilve to figh t till I'm SO.~ The kind of rolmp,m l drug ~nd .:alcohol abuse depicted in ThfWr~­ t!a- to say nothing or lhe physical abuse- lOok its toll. In the Survivor Series in November 2002. Lesnarpcrformed his signature finishing move, the F·s, on the Rig Show. a wrestler who stands seven feet tall ,md weighs48S pounds. Draping his opponen t over his shoulde rs, Lcsna rwobbled a momen t, then flung RigShowto the canvas. "I had three broken ribs and iI bad knee." l,esnar recalls. "Duri ng thilt period [would take a coupJeVicodin and wash 'em down with a few slugs o f vodka. TholI's wha t got me through. The ribs didn 't heoll for ilnother eight mon ths. becausetherc's nooff'5eilson in prowrestling. We were in New jersey, l bel ievc.» He I hin ks for a moment. "Ican 't even rememberwhere [was, h..rdly." Lesnar knows he owes his filme to hisWW[ career, but he seems to view t he company as insidious, con t rolling, a kind of cui t: "You get so brilinwilshed You're on I he roadJoodays a year, and that's whyguys get so messeu up. This li fe becomes a flolrt of them. lfs not real. but some guys who are still in I he business I hin k it is. You look at Mickey Rourke inThrWrtsdn- hejust coulun' t le t il go. Youliveadoubleli fe. Iwas liTed o ftl)'ing to bewho I WilS in th e ring and then coming home fort..."Odays 10 be 1lOrm..11. They d iun 'I allow you 10 be.Th-c guys who get out ilre the smart ones, really.:and lruly.After a (our.nighllourofSoulh Africa in eilrly 2oo1, l.esnar bailed on his contract, and ilnnounced hewould next tryout forthe NFL "He'sa proje<t with a capi lal Pt ~id one scou l, t hough nobody could g.:ainsay the ou lrageous power and speed oft he wannabe D-lineman who cou ld bench47spounds. squal 700, and run the 040 in 4.6sseconds.The Vikings signed him, but from day one o f training (.:amp it was dearthat thedude was raw; out offruSlral ion he provokLod a couple offigh ts in exhibition games. "If I can' t outpby you In fOOlball. l"m gonna fight ya," he says fiercely. He wascu l .lI the enu of camp. Two months laler he announced

96 MAXIM '

he was reinventing himself yel again. as a mixed martial artist. lIe won his fi rst fight, fort he Jaflolnese league 1(-, Hero, in 69 seconds.

• ••• lESNAR'S B££N NOTORIOUSI.YTOUCHYWH£N R£PORTERS ASK HI~I about steroids. ust AuguSI he sat down wi th an ESPN camera crew. "My interview was over," he ~ys. "And then all o f asudden, 'O h, wait, we've gota fewmorequeslioos:- Hesholkes his head. "Then they ask meabout steroids." He's indignant on this most delicate of s ubjects. "I've never in my life tested posil ive forsteroids . Whal doyou wan t me to say!" He gol up. thanked Ihec rewfortheirt ime,and walked out. "Doing that raised more questions I han it answered," I note. He lalksqulckly and emphatically. "( bet yOU I've taken over60steroid test s. In co1\ege I hild '5 ranuom druglests in IwoyeMs. I've taken drug tesls for the NFL, the \VWr., the urc. J nlu~ t be pretty good al masking steroids. God gave me I his body: Are you jealousofit orwhat ?Give me a break. I got the gene t ics of- not 10 get in to racism or anything- but I"m built likeil blackman .Wouldyou say so?" "There's a difference belween sayi ng, '1've never Ies ted positive,' anu saying, . I've never take n steroids," I point oul. "How isn't il the same thing?" he says. "It's all genelics.1 wouldn't say we're all created eq ua!. That's just to make theot herguys feel good who don'thave what you·vegot."

•••• IN l007I.F.sNAR SHOWED UP AT A UFC f.VENT AND BlfITONHOLID White, the UFCpresident. "He said, 'I wanl to fight in the UFC,'" Whi te recalls. "I said, 'We'd love to have yOU heresomed.:ay.' ·Nah. nah. 1want to fight in the UFC now: " Lesnar's ~Ies pitch was compelling. "There 's not another fighter in the UFC Ihat looks like me." he decLtres, recounting his conversation with White, "that hast he slarpower that I've got. rm known all over the world beGIUse I was ... pro wresller. l've been to}O differe nt coun tries that know my name. 1pul asses in t he sea ts, and I sell floly-pcr-views.· In his much·hypeddebut at UFC 81 in rebruary o f 2008, Lesnar met Frank Mir, lhen 28. The fight was an instant classic. AI the opcningbell lesnar rushed at Mir, whom he outweighs by IS pounds, laking him to thecanvilS likea Doberman bowling over a terrier. Hewas mashing ...

JUNE2009

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Mir's fa<:e i ntog.lzpa<:ho, seemingly just seconds away from scoring a TKO, when the referee controverSially assessed him a penalty. A time~ut was c.ll1ed. ~ loments later lesnar brought down MiT a second time.The beating went un and on, bUI thc ref still didn't stop the fight. Fin.llly a bloodied ~ti rWTiggled free. caught Lesnar in a knee-bar, and forced him totapout.Total timeofmatch:one minute, 30seconds. Afterward ~t;r, the victor, looked like he'd been hil with a wseball bat. Lesnar's facc was completely unmarked, un less a dark shadow of T;Ige coun ts. On July II, in his first title defense, Lesnarwill mee t MiT .. gain in UFC lQQ. expected to be the bigg~st , mosllucrative fi ght in the history oflhe sport .flut he's still fum ing about their last match. " Fr~nk knows deep down that he lost thilt fight: Lesnargrowls. "He got aChristmas present."White himself. who clilims he never criticizes UFC refs, concurs: "That referee has no busi ness being in th is business." Mi r, ~ former strip-club bouncer. doesn 't hide his con· tempt for t heshowbizguywho made his fortune fighting pretend fights. "Through the grapevine we found out t hat Brock hired lawyers to look over the offidating rules, but they couldn' t fi nd nothing wTOng with any of it. I look 3t it as a great vktory. He couldn't put me away with his power. Brock was tryingto win the fight real quickly by landinga couple shots 3nd not de)ing damage. That's not really an honorable way totry towin.· A camera captured Lesnar in the locker room postfigh t. conferring with Wh ite. ''It ain't over," he insisted. Then he added,less certain Iy, "1 hope it ain't " At 31 years old. Lesnar had already tried and abandoned every lucrative avenueof employment available to him. If ultimatefighting didn' t workout. what was he going to do, squeeze himsel f behind a desk like Mr. Incredible ?Theexpression on h is face as he lookedat Dana White said it plainly: Ihave no plan B. Hedidn't have toworry. Wh ite pitted him next against Heath Herring. a ,k.a , Ihe Texas Crazy Horse, a.k.a. cannon fodder. Lesnar's first punch broke Herring's orbi tal bone. "There was noway I was goingto lose," he says. For approximately n of the next IS minutes, Lesnarwas llke acobra de· vouring a mouse-patient.grim, inescapable "Can you seemenow?"heshoutedtothecrowdafterwinn ing by decision. Itwas. hesays. a message ··to all thecritic5 that didn't think I could produce in the Octago n ." Despite Lesnar's u nimpressive ,-, recor(l Whit ~ prompt· Iy steered him in to a ti tle fight against a UFC icon, Randy Couture, "Yeah . he'Silgreat wrestler. but hewasoutweight'<i and he's past his prime,· says Lesnar.1 n the second round Lesnar landed a right toCouture 's temple. sending him to t hecanvas. J.esnar pounced and, straddJi nghim , began bashing his head. Moments later the ref called the fight. Foron Iy the third time in his sl'oried career. Cou· hue had been knocked out. Lesnarwasthe newchamp. Does Frank Mir stand a chance in UFe lOO? Did he get lucky in his first fight against Lesnar? Isn 't a morc experienced Lesnar, who was already bigger and stronger. unstoppable?"l'm 1,'Onna murder him." \.esnarsays. "I wunt the days and the nights before 1get todo that." "All I remember from I~st time," silys Mir, who once snapped an oppo· nent's forearm wit h a submi ssion, "is him whimpering and wincing as I was tapping him. " ~tir has studied Lesn~r's cMeer, going all the wily h.lck to his NCAA days. " Ifyou watched when he wrestled in college: he observes, "hi sabi lities were not very technical. He used his si~e ~nd his power. He won matches byoneand two points,drew the pace down, got real boring." He says l.esnarfundamentalJyremains that kind offigh ter and that Lesnar's st rategy will play directly in to his own legendary submission skills. Wh ite calls Mir"one oflhe twogrcat est heavyweight

When LUn;II. dedded to q ..it the WWE and rry his hand with the Vikings, scouts we •• bowted oyer by his f. u klsh physiulity. Even in the NFL you don't find guys who can be nch 475 pounds, s q .. at 700, a nd..,n rh. 40 in 4.65 H Conds.

su bmission guys ever.""There·s noway anybody can roll with me fons minutes and not get tapped." Mirsays. "It's just impossible."

AN ASSISTANT IS OILING LESNAR'S BODY. GLEAMING. HE 1.00KS unreal, Photoshopped; I'm reminded o f the strange sense you have when he fights t hat you're watching something computer-generated. some kind ofCGI monster in a movie, because of his combination o f un· natural hugeness and unnatural lightness on h is feet. On the surface, l.esnar would seem to be a natural (or Holly· wood, following in the footstep5 of his idols. like Schwarzenegger, and his fomler rivals, like the Rock. After all, even without special effects, he looks more Hulk-li ke than any Mlr," o f the movie versions. Bu t lesnarmain tains he is sim· ply an athlete. "[ ain"t gonna walkovCT to Hollywood and say I'm the next Rock."hesays. "It may not look like I've got a brain sometimes, but! do. I'm not a movie star.Just because I hada stin t in wrC5tlingdoesn't mean that I C,lf] act, You watch someofthese other guys that moved on to the movies, like lohn Cena or Stone Cold Steve Austin, and it just doesn 't look that good to me." That's not to s ay he's uncomfortable in (ront of the camera.Approaching him, I'm hit by the cloying scen t o flh e oil smeared all over his torso. We 're talking about Frank Mir when [in terrupt to joke, "You smell delicious, by the way." [do know what I was thinking:Therc's something wmical ,lbou t an enormous man who's basically wearing perfume. Rut as soon as I utter those words, ! realize I've fucked up massively. Galactically. You do not make sexually ~mbiguous quips to a man who grapples int imatelywit h olhermen for a living , l.esnar's eyes narrow. His lips lighten . "What'" he asks. His tone is equal parts malevolence and disgust. "What is that smell!" [stammer, trying to soun d offhand about it, HC'swatchingmedosely. "Oil." he sneers. I brace myselffor the most looth.jarring. eardrum-popping bitch-slap ever administered, but it nevereomes. When he beats you up, as he did Chris Tuchscherer, or backs you down , as he's just done me, you cease to exist for Brock Lesnar. He t urns toward a photographer. ~You want me to look at thecamera>oheasks. "Or should I !ookthrough iP" •

"J'm gonna

murder

says Lcsnar "Icount the days

and nights until Iran do that"

98 MAXIM .

JUN ElOO9

www.storemags.com


" BY JESSE BRUKMAN

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ra nk his is for participants only," announces a heavily bundled

Charlie Todd through his trusty gray bullhorn. "If you didn't come to take your pants off today, you're in the wrong spot" It's a frigid January aft ernoon in New York City's Foley Square, and hundreds offearless pranksters

are braving lhe elements 10 get together and shed their trousersforthccighth annual "No Pants! SubwayRide. H

Todd, it baby-faced 30-year-old from Columbia, South C.. rolin .. , is Ihc

mastermind behind this gathering. and on his command the .lssem" bled crowd scatters fort he nearest subway entrances ...and collectively drops trou. Even in a city like New York, ridingthe subwayS.lns Jl'In ts is a guarantt:Cd eyc-Ql:>t:ncr, and today is noexccption: St raphangers stare, chucklc, even take photos. Around 1,~OO men and women have come out clad in boxers. briefs. boxer-briefs, and bluomers, not just in New York, but in 21 cities across t he globe. ("Three hundredtaketo the suI>way-shamelessand Jl'Int less: t ht TQrQntQSUTl would inform its readers soberly the next day.)The mission ends with a group of agents celebra ting in Union Square, making snow ~ngels, st ill pan tless. lmprov Everywhere has stru(k again . Mission a(wmplished . The largest network uf pranksters ever 3ssembled, lmprov Everywhere is the leading light in what might be (ailed the Golden Age of the Prank. All across America and beyond. groups are gathering to pull off prJ{tkal jokes, hoaxes. and ruses of .:III kinds, blurring t he line octween prank and guerrilla theater . and usingthe rnternet to share their work with audiences far and wide. The prank. of wurse, hasa long and illustrious historygoing back to ... well. Adam and the serpent: "Hal You actually ate the appler" Summercamps and college campuses have long been jokesters' playgrou nds, while avant-gardists like Marcel Duchamp

and the Dadais t movement elevated the prank toan art form. Borat and (coming soon) Bruno have taken squiml-inducing hoaxing to the hig screen. Bu t it's the rntemet- andgroups Ilke lmprov Everywhere who have learned how toexploit it- that has been the primary mover in the prank renaissance. More than seven million people have watched the ~009 "No Pants! ~ clip on YouTube, and wpy,at groups have sprung up around the world. "The use of video has spre;td like cra:~y, so pranks "'t getting more and more popular: says Col1egeHumor.com'sAmir Bl u menfeld, whose online "'Pran kW"," series with colleague SI reeter Seidell went viral thi s spring. Nogroup has demonstrated the powerofYouTube and the Internet bett tr than Suturduy Ni,ght Livc's mast crs of t he digi tal shurt, the Lonelylsland.AndySamocrg,Joml.lTacwne,andAkivaSchaffer(whose debut album,lnaediood, WilS released i n Fe bru~ry) got t neirstart byposting t heirsketches, songs, and goofs on theirWebsite. MWhen we started b.lck in 2001. most people's com put ers weren't fast enough tow3tch video, but slowly technology caught up," notes Sch.:lffer. Nowthe group's dips regu l",ly draw millions of viewers unline. While they may not have the muscle of SNL behind t hem, Improv Everywhere h~s pulled more t han 80 stun ts, involving thousands of so-c.:Illed "agents,~ resulting in countless headl inesand enoughlV news spots to fill a season's worth ofhmk'd episodes. Their own videos h~ve generated more t han 55 million viewsonl inc. But their insidious influence has no doubt infected a f;tr larger 3udience: Coun t literally hundreds of 1m pro v Everywhere- inspired groups across the globe, to S;Jy nothing of the masses of bewildered, b.lbbling "victims" each prank leaves in its wake .Accordingto legendary prankster Alan Abel- whose Cjti~t ns Against Breastfeeding nonprofit group famously con- . . JUNElOO9 • MAXIM

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103


demned what they called "an incestuous relationship between mother and babythatma nifestsan oral addiction leading youngsters to smoke, drink, and even become a homosexual"-"Pretty soon we'll have as many groups pulllng pranks as we have church choirs" As far as ImprovEverywhere is concerned, what exactly constitutes a prank is up to the maestro. Charlie Todd moved toMa n ha ttan in the summerof 1001 to become an actor. One night a friend men tioned that he looked Ii ke t he pap singer Ben Folds. He doesn't, but who the hell knows what Ren Folds really looks like!Todd decided to spend the eveningplaying thepart. His pal teed hi m llpatthe next bar: ~Hey, aren' t you Ben Folds!" "Why, yes, 1am!" Ne.:' thing he knew, a brace ofBritish babes had surrounded him.The followingnight: s.ameshtick, different bar. Sha7... m !This time the whole place bough t it. Photographs, autographs, free drinks. Got some digits, too. Charlie Todd and crew had "caused a scene." "The next day I was like, ~Ian.l got to do more shi t like that: he recalls over dinner at an Indian restauran t. And so he did, documenting each "mission" on what began as a bare-bones Web site he dubbed im proveverywhere. com. An avid diSciple of '7os performance a rt ist/comedi· an Andy Kaufman, Todd likes to say the only thing that really sets him apart from other pra nksters past and pres· ent is that he's a compulsive archivist. Today impmv· everywhere com offers more than 70 professional'grade videos, a blog, a DVD, and an FAQ section (in case you become ove1"\vhelmed). The write-up o f his eureka moment don ning the Ben Folds persona is on there. As is the video of him onstageat the Hammerstein Ballroom in November 1006, opening a show for the man himself. Todd turned to the Internet because hewanted toshare a fun ny story, but he quicklyrealized its potential to mobilize dormant pranksters. He currently presides over an e-mail list of 11,000 would-be agents, hungry for action, awaiting orders. Such power comes in handywhen you want t05tonn Abercrombie & Fitch with bare-chested men - III people showed upforthatone--Qrwreakhavocat Best Buy byflooding the place with blue poloshi rts and kh.lki pants. "Thomas Crown Affoir! Thomos Crown Affair!" a bewildered manager blurted into herwalkie-talkie.The group has fooled acrowd of New Yorkers into believing that UJ was playing a free surprise gig from a m idtoWll roof and convinced shoppers at a local Barnes & Noble that Russian writer An ton Chekhov was giving a reading. Chekhov, of course, died in 1904. "I've always thought of 1mpro V Everywhere pranks like gcttingstabbed with an icicle; said Todd Simmons, an JSpiring actor and accomplished agent whoplayed the role of a tuxedo-dad bathroom attendant in t.he men's room of a ~ tcDonald's in Times Square. "Once people notice a crime has been committed, all the evidence has evaporated." 11 was t he si mple genius of"Fro7.en Grand Central"' that pushed IE into the in ternational spotlight. More than lOll agents wit h synchroni1,ed watches gathered at t he station, and froze, all at the exact sametime.They stayed stuck for five min u tes. "That's thecra7,iest shit I'veeverseen, and I'm a cop,~ a policeofficCIon dutyremarked.Thevideowas posted in JanuarylOQ8 and almost immediate1ywent vi",l. More than 16 million people have dicked ru v.Accordingto Todd, other groups have reprised thegagin lOQcities. One of Impmv Everywhere's guiding principles is that theirs are victimless crimes: the goal is to give witnesses

Prank Like a Pro By Charlie Todd 1. Da rKan. Walk the jlr.lI1k zcne al tt.. sa"", time and dayal lhe week you Imer<l to pull !he mls5Ion. If. best I'llt to I,wn thedllyat

It.. mission that !her •• a fur""". nlilIkel ~ up in lhe middle 01 lhe park you till!!'eted. (Unless your

ToP I IGIj1 ro~ ~" el'Y"he re rdda Bn~ BIIJ" Above : S. QI\I BI ron Cohe n ~ onrle nu .u:er l QI ,

prank mvolves .1\,uB<fl8 stupid people $15 lor an argill\l( Wmill<» 2. Get your s tory

s traIgM. Everyone sl-<llill trow t.Jw tt..yl1",,",wer tt.... inevitable ","",urn. ""Whal

1S!lClin!! onrOUl Besl Buy

agentsan S/Ird,luSI 1'0301 II1Jl fa • frlend.· (fYl 1.1m ""lhng a PI""k"wouJd not bugoodanswer.)

3. Neve r break cha.-acter, The besllllisMlns are mmj>lelely UIli'xplairYble. If poeople spot yoo hIghfivinga hall ~iocI: away, II ruiru; the maek: And. re ally, you st-.ruld ""ver hiah·flve In publK under

any cin:UI1"<'iO lane",,4 , Don't be a tot al dick ,

I:mj>l"OV Ev~rywher ~ missions hav~ 0"" thtng In ((J!"T1l1"l(I" They to milkl' the """id a 11lM~ place. it ooly lor a lew mlnuI"'- I(""!I rt pasllive. The<mly tealS you< ~ should (~Ole It.. ooesslreaminB down your parents' far"" wt..n you tell them thlo; i5 wtlilt you do for • livuoe A~

="

a laugh andastorytotell, not to hummateanyone. Humiliation. however, remains one of the Vital componen ts of ma ny agood pr~ nk , hoax, or practical joke. ThinkofJustin Timberlake crying over his foreclosed home on Punk'd, or S~rah Palin fooled into answering inane questions from the faux-preSiden t of France last fall. Noone hasdone a betterjoboftapping hwniliation's potential than Sacha Baron Cohen, whose willingness to em barrass not o nly himself, but his victims (and they are victims) has helped make him one of Hollywood's biggest stars.tike Andy Kaufman before him. Baron Cohen goes all--out when he commi ts to a role. TheSmokingGun.com recently revealed more th.ln two dozen fake production comrlanies he created inorderto foolunsuspectingdu pes forthissummer's Bruno. AsAliG on I-IBO, he pulled the wool overthe eyes of everyone from Pat Ruchanan and Newt Gingrich to Noam Chomsky and Boutros Boutros-Ghall. Mortification was also the key element in College Humor's Pran kWar, which started innocently enough ,but has since escalated in to a nuclear arms race of mutual h umiliation.Thewar reached its apparent culmination in September ~OO7, when Amir Blumenfeld tricked Streeter Seidell"s girl friend into thinking she had been proposed to via the JumboTron at Yankee Stadium. In front of 5<),000 fans,she said yes. The relationship did not survive, b ut the dip drew more than 800.000 hitson YouTube. ("Thai was just mean ,· says SeidelL)To all appear~nces, thatwas that, until Seidell got his revenge this spring when Amir was convinced he had won $500,000 forsinking.l halftime hal f-court shot at a Universityof Marybnd basketball g3me (he didn·t).That videowas viewed more than a million times. "Nothing is off·limits," argues Blumenfeld. "I mean, I don'twant to ruin anyone's life, but still." (The dark side of pranki ng emerged in April when two Domi no's employees posted a video of them blowing their noses into sa ndwiches bt:ingprepared fordelivery.Theywere fired and ...

104 MAXIM • JUN, lOO9 www.storemags.com

,,

, I I !

i


-$rfltid AWESOMENESS_ www.storemas.com


now are faang crimi nal charges for health code violations.) This is territory Todd does his best to avoid. He is still not entirely comfortable with how far Jmprov Everywhere pushedthe boundariesofhuman kindness when, in lOO4, he cameupwith the ~BestGig Ever" caper,wherein hecalledon his growing mili tia o f agen ts to memorize the lyrks to a randomly select ed band'Ssongs, makeT·shirts with theirname on them . and descend upon t heirSunday-night gig.Thi rtyfive die·hard Ghost ofP"sh" "f"ns" turned out to give the no-name band the gig o f theirdreams. When the band was tipped off to th e prank, they were ~ Iitt le bummed out . That prank came close to breaking wi th the spirit of IE's mi s sions: C<lusing ~n Jut hentic scen e t hat gives people ~ n excuse to bre.lk out of their ordinary daily rou tines. This philosophy was put to the test this spring. when IE staged a mission tit led " Best Funeral [ver. wAvariation on ~Bes t G ig [ver,W the prank saw Todd and 30 other agents crash the bu riJI of" recen tly de· ceased New Yorker.The go.:ll, Todd stated, was to give the dearly departed and hi s loved ones the awesom est fu neral imaginable, but the response was unlike .lnyth ing Improv Everywhere had seen before. As so<.>n ~s th e videow~s post~d. it was c1eaTfronl the comm ents t halTodd and company had finallygone too faT: ~You guys have done some grea t pranks. but th is is just plain fucked-up_""1am ashamed to think that 1 was actually a fan of yours.~ ~This pra nk is sick.wThal night the local WPIX newscast ran a segment on the mission . asking, "Did one local im prov group go 100 farr What all of these offended observers failed to notice was the date: April 1. There was no funeral, no mourning family.Theywere all agen ts,

Nurly 2 . 500 peop le 111 H <I1U . . worlllw1d" took part. 111 ~h h r' . " No ' ..I1LBt Subw..,. Rl lle,·

,.e ..

and the jokewas on all of us_ Given the date, the whole ruse should have been obvious, bUI in a follow·upposted April2 ,Todd.lPQlogized to anyone "fooled into thinking we had lost our minds olI1d done some thing this horrendous." ForTodd. whose extravagan tl y titled book. Causing a 5Cfne: Extraordinary Pranks in Ordinary Plum With Improv Everywhere, hits shelves this month. the art of the prank. and the mot ivation behind it, is pretty simple. When he gives lecturesat collegecampuses around thecountry these days-last September he taught a ~eminar in Russia- students always hunger forthe counterculture message behindhiswork. "They're like. 'Why?Why?Whyl" And they have a hard time acceptingthe answer: ·It'sreallyfuckin' fun.'" •

Pranks Across America

""

From ~1: to coast, slap-happy groups are putting one over on us. TIw! Newsb.eaken ","wsbr eakerS-.O<8 HQ: RO<~ltr. NY ae.t bit, 1-lljacictrll! Uve News Broadcasts." They f" low neWS truc:hand thenjump around In the bac:i:graund dr ... sed like tigers.

GuerillA Imp.ov guerittaimplOV.Com HQ: l.o5 Ar.geles llel "The Strand Race.· A fini$h Une, a (l\eeri"8 [Jo'Nrl, w"ler tilbIes. and a med.. (few were set up in the middle of a joggins path. urbei<oowrul to the fimess·nazed SoCaJ jogger'; juS! I<xlb"ll 1m a linle exerd5e.

"'t.

TheYes Men

l lleyesmen.org

HQ: USA Best txt, ""The fake NI!W Yort Times.Disrribmed 1.2 million COllies at a mocked·1lJl NIT rove' aru>oUOOllB the end of lhe Iraq War.Dick Oleney dld rot think this

W3Stunny

Scene Diego

n01hoUSlOl\(om flO: HOUSlon llet bit "Real Ufe Where's Waldo." Agenl. donned red and·white·'lriped s.hrrts. lOtes. <md beanies. then Nt a Target po-etendlnB to do their normal s./loplliIlij whltea plaJn<lothes aeem

scenediegnorg

as~ed ollie'

custome!S if llley had seen hi, loS! friend WoJoo

HOcSan Diego Besl bir. "Rod<yr A delermined "Ilen! runs lhraugh the matt in grJ y sweats. TIlen ""mller. then arot~ Witt ~ (~ l ( h the chiden?· Adrlanl"

106 MAXIM .

l'4!.com HQ: Ilostoo Besl bit: ""Senators' Favm;le Iokes. - An adult posing as a tilth srader sent U.s, ""naWrs handwritten ten ..... lookin8 tor help with a r!!"Search p,o~t On his favo,ltt jol<es, Many , ... ponded. some with vel)' bad jokes,

!UN<lOO9

www.storemags.com

Boston Sodety of Spontaneity bostonsos.orB tIQ:90sron I!est tit: "South Slalion Dominoes," A team of agents rook to Ell'antown's primary raille-rTlllnal andthenaltfelt

down like. wen, dominoes. People tip· ping over ~t t hi ..l" lion is 001 a totally U1'ICommon si8ht


ANlst

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RPEN

YOUR

EDGE)

NSF poncho, S3-4!ii Cockpit USA shorts, $89; ,\mer/gn E~e o..tl'INfS flip-flops. SJS; TAG Hell« ...~c/I, S!.~

lost ",rlboard, S6oo; MlanW "edd;ce,SlSS-

,f/ e , 108144)(1104 • )UN!2009 ________ www.storemags.com

By STEVE GARBARINO PHOTOGRAPHS BY BRIAN KLUTCH STYLING BY WILLIAM BUCKLEY


With the right stuff. you can makE this summer an endless one. •

Build a Bonfire Looking to rnzy up to a little surfer girl? FdlO'N these frur simpie slEps for the ultimate beach hlaze.

1 HakeS /WI \gllve -footborclelltns l1li1 of found uld:s", pi ...... of 1aI.., soaked drittwooo1ln the centff. dig II pil

-•

about Iwol@etdeep.PlI locationshculrt be doosI!r to shor~ than sand dunes.

--

i!

, . """. Sonith t~, $~90 :a. HIIp _1~, S89,. ,."ut\a lOWe!, $~o " eoro ... si.-. """ k (cocMr not included). $S 50 J.e.-- SUllcase, $,,675 6. Ambsn shIrt, $621. Sundo swim trunks, $.20) a. Tile IIyde T-shirt, 122 9- OKHY ........ T-shirt, 10. P.. . ) 11.10 pantS, $7'.111. KldrD~ ot ~ ip-fIops, $)8 ,,.. Modtom ........... ' .. nt !.hin , Sso 1]. , ........ Cash T-s hirt. $19 ... Glnch Gonch boxer br>efs, $)0.

m

Lay rwoZ4·tnm loss ""..u..11n

lI'e rem er Dr ItIt plI, itavT@,3teo! bctWilCllIhfm. GathCI d!1edocean dcblls iII>d kindling and pile OIII!I' cl\lll"llHd newspaperballs ThI5is your starter kit

Destination: HaJibuBeach. CA

3

~ six

t010 k'l(c$d l ' b O'IaUy (lV('r

the I<indIins WI they ar. k!aninfl lntoeach Otlle<. touchlngat the tcp.lilce a tHpet' TIlereshcold be ample spiIC1! OO(WI'('fI ~ h to 011 kIw Vl'ntlla!l!m.

• WHAT TO DRIVE 2009Sunild Equato:r 1UiZ-4 PIckup (SZ8.SS0) Sulukfs belief known fot sperl$ hlI$. but tho! b!Md"s flm mlCk is IIOIhmg 10 sniff ill. This 261 hp. V 6 powered. NIs&1n fruntief -based midsize pid:l4I1s able ta hardle

• WHERETO STAY TIle HallbllllMer. Motel {maIIburMer.I

• WHERETO EAT

• WHERE TO DRINK

-

Hallbu Snl«ld Frail Fish Market and Patio

"'.ptUN·, Net

14-room. ruaI ·I947 surf ~ wl'm! yct.l ran parle

0:001: ir on Bbcnfire or I!8t

B Vffi (bo:inR yow """"

beddiII8llO lhis roo·trills.

rlsht '" )'OOf dooI~aro the

mtylhlll8 yw W>\ruIII brine

_arejLn;tlklwnu. hUI."1-lumbIe ~

1O/'VI!I11helMSl far out

dIIIicm '" a R85onIIbI!!

be.Jch. n'D hiIUl a boat. <lOW A 1M Ski, '" limply k4I II ~ at M'1boaIds In burly4WDstyle.

f'I'n" says It aIL Rack rat.!: SIn Leave the gIrlfr~

caN! (mallbusc;Jfoodo:>ml F.io,d fish wuh I"O'ic jix. fr@sls their siQNt~ II '" a l*nir: ~ wIIh a pltr:hef of bee! while wiII<hinaorw ci u.bMt'" surf bre4ts IIlcnQ the POi. 'IIIya ron DID$ brah!

(~Wlml

Ten mllcs up the roast h...., Zuma &ach. this "ee~ ~waniorend biker spill:! CUI ' " "

""",me thllscre( .«! inpcnhlls

and intO the parldn8lol. NislUly b awls f~w. a hi rskwl 01 cIIaractm CUI of mlI .1II <BStJn8. Be ccc:l

..

Ignituho! Inndh"ll MIl ""....... ~

Innoe. SMJ calli! the

When IhIll\r~ 1$ ~$Ieadlly and the tcepee(oiIapSes. atId more wood to tne cent", Begin dlinkOrrs Or.11 yW'te

Bates Motel e! the Beach.

the recldi!!OS scrt. conUlluedrlnl:in8.

andr:o~w1lIbmh:Y

you. MunChIe5 to boot.

ILLUSTR ATIO NS BY OLLIE BL AND

JUNf.2009 • HAJlIH

www.storemags.com

109

..


Everything you need to hit the dly sbeets in style.

10 ' .

.. kid. I b It striped shirt, 11'5 :a. C/oicinal pu",l .. Wop Tip poio shirt. 579]. lIiIl1! IIro\an lk!-dyool V· n«k

LL ..... shI" . llS J .C..... lle, S60; ToIIyo

_ks.

sweater, ~04 4- Mod .. Ii Am ... li li."t

Phre ;'- . S78; Mwit

$20 5. Adid ... OrIgiIWlls high-top ....,.k~~ S]O 6. 1..1.. - . . _rwck .... shorts, Solo , . MCM SIll'tase, 1.,680 .. Paul Smltfl ....... • .. : In f~

Nason drlvlnS 11\0($, 541$ SuIa C!.";~,, ~ Iss; Breldlfll ~ch. Ss,88o.

52$0 , . Levi .. ;e-.5$4.

.m ..•

Destination: Savannah. GA

• WHATTDDRIVE

So Fresh. So Clean

zoos Hbtl CIHI..... 5

• WtaRETDSTAY Hanhall HOIlH

• WH£RETOEAT The DI4e PI.nII HO\IH

convertl!lle ($Z7A SO) We>',e secure ~ In our masculJnity to ~ll you

(maoshalJhcoJse.mn) This ...awllre ISth· CPrltury ' M-bnck Inn;'

and PI ... ' ..... T.........

I~II'"II' ~ <an....,'d rather spend $lIffi01'IO!1

smack·diibln lhe middle of hlstorlcdowntown Savannah. GIot rooms

SavaMah ten·all MJdroiShl In theG.lrdel't of Goodil1ld Evil this basement tavO'm

"""I 10 )'OW boys. opI!I'I

Is qui~ I scene WMn h

IhIId\e;!opHt drinks in

up tlv:o fIcor·to)-~~ns wIndOws. aM !\ave a drink autside on !he cIed:.

..ngmgains. ~'sno short.o! Jocal'toIah.· or of fresh fish iIIld Steal: dishes. w!1kh patrClrlSGNl

town.l.....to... dM5k:

pidupocene. Ral.,. Slart I I about $19D.

COIISIImt! amid

a

0Il8ht Irl than !he open. top Mini!i. That ... ~ ... Nd lilldy l rierd In I~ pas. 3e!I8"I' seat. He! eyt5 wUl be I'Ixed 01\ !he stars as you fILls this Iwbochaoyed lJO ·kart's I nooses into

..........,

The dowO'$\alrs bat Is a bIe

(91Z·232 4 296) Ho.s.llOOIClI'I in tlv:o

dueIine

/irepillce'lind p\Mo$ on

. WHERETODRINk

PIllltII Hut..... (9IZ·Z3B-04 47) Loo/r: lor u. 0"II!0fl PBR :<ign """_ ttu. rruo. dl'IC bar (sometimes CillIcd"StInky 8;lstanrs"

by ~~ whlch boiISts loxk'Stod<ed tukebo>t and het YOUI1II coeds flom the Savannah College of Art..-.d Do!sJtplawail Botlcnt5 up!

bath SI(\es.

110 KAXtr-4

JONE~

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4·Ax.~.."

She'Ie' Gel. Ss-so 50 SuO:i Orga,.,;c (Icanslns Bar. Sn

6. Tru,Religion EDT Spray, SSg ,. John .... tan's Pom.lde,S25

..


BY TIlE

OF BED HEA.D ~,

TIGI


Tap your inner outdoors man and get off the grid.

1. l.l. Be.., wool _est, $59 2. Woolrich Woolen Mills ~ shin8 ,mock with hood, $275]. Woolrkh Woolen Mill. stri~ cotton m3riner pants, $2)5 4- The

Woolrich jac~!, $159; Calvin Kle,n hen~. S)'8 and scarf; G-Star

~an., $220;

North Face backpack, $>49 5. Worn Fru T-shirt,S40 6. Tlm~".nd shoes, $100 1. Fren(h ConnKtion T... hirt, $« s. ~nd lelon blMket. $298,

Hunter boot>. $1]5; Shimano hshing rod, $220.

Destination: Pecos, NH o

.... .

Get Framed r,,'Y b~,,,,,,,,_ p",~ I "g '" ' rigor sh,d" v 'n M.1[," YCUf mug w,'" th ~ "ghr "y l ~ oJ f"m~, fc-Ilow"'g ti'" e'per! ,~"(e frem f cI,,, 'N~, l er _

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' ,,-~ .I 0 ."

(~Icbr i ry

1

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r .... o

2009 AEVJ8 (STBA)

'ThI're', m ,ide ",.'d Ti1the1 take to the Tmuntairu thi, summer than tm. military 'I"-'< off-mader. II', ba&icaUy a beefed-Ltp Jeep Wrangler wfth lO\Illher a ~ ~s. a lflC)Je rOOu!;tlrame, a hiSher towIng cap;rity. " S. 7 In., Hemi V 8 engine, and "hood Imunted soorl:el. alJoNi"ll il to dlive Ihroush 3O-iro:h pud<lles-orpo!ho~' In the Whilecasl~ p;lrki"ll kl~

SJ~ 10

USA,

_., '"• WHAT TO DRIVE

h ,m ~ -~1(t",

• WHERETO STAY Val Kllmus PltOS RiverRan<n(!t.. l"-'<05rivI'TIilndl.(om) Yes.lt'~ owned by the e.. twh~ Doc Holliday. but tllis is 5,OC(l acres of awe -inducing wildemes .. with pinewood cab"", a fast- mov<og. well- ~tO(ke<l fly flshlns rl\r~. and bisolt mountain lion .. and bears 'OilIll<OB the srounds. Meals are home-

cooked and Included In the $2OO~,sonlnisht rate,

• WHERETO EAT

HarrYs Ro~dnouse (505-98!l-4629)

A comfort-food mecca for

touris1'l and loca<i a1i\:e. th!sqWrlcy. down-home dive dIshes up I'Ve rytlting fromm~atlmfwcoo

temporary Menan far~, Whet~J soalcins up the sun out biKk Ot (O;:Y<o8 up in,lde by tne fireplace. you'D 1",,1 right at home.

• WHERETO DRINK Cowslrl BIIQ ((QwBiJ lsantafe,com) This rowdy barberue pit and pub on downtown Santa Fe res a 13 u(ous oUldoo< patio. WheT. m",iachi bands play, pilchers of Jnargaritas are chl'ap and Slfong. aod Te.as- st y ~ Ilbs and heapS of jalapm, n.:>dros k....p the fir~ bumine all nigh!. A. mce break from the sol'ludeof 'the ra!"l(h "

112 MAXIM ojUNi1OO9

"£".T · S""P£D lleciaogul.r frnrnes add bakanc~ to a heart ·shap~ or tr""gular lace ami add wOdth bejowt~ ~ line 10 oIfwt a narrow or wotak chin.

squ"a. Wayfarers and I){h ~r round frnmM ~~p balance "I""'~ fac~s, which u.ually n~ strongj3W lin... , broad Io.~h.-..d., and wide che~kbon ....

aou_o Metal """,tors and Othe-r angular f rames "';11narrow ~ cound f.Ke, m~king it ap~ r Iong<:c and thin".,.-.

Bewar""why Ihe Iongl3"," jok...,

ILLUSTRATIONS BY MEA.SURE · DESIGN .COM

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Credits Hale/Gett)' ImI£es for 1.11\1; To6d. Ch;od Nid'ooIson; No Pantsl prank, Ciwl NidIoIson: 1Qitet". Corbi. """""um 111'/''& ''1.theNewLbrea~~S~; Rocky.

PoIJIIo., Flame, uigll Pra"-/5l'olltontock p •• ", ~. [ ~ Gologu~"e.i 'V, I L""'" You Mop.COream '," ~>/cOU<tesy £~t CoIl«t.ion; H_own Hattie, K..ty Stuart; WoIM,MlchHi Trr j f~m Magic. Pujok.

Randal C. ModrJ(Sporu .......I')f Gft!)' Imagft p •• & ON,... and Biden, _ ~ ul«> p.n, T-WI>, www.FoulMouthShirtu;ornand www.cafof'rnuom;.IoMMqe<". Urmen ~fl{Pt>o­ to 1fM8" Pr,..,,; =iwt, wwwJam"'p",w.com p.:06: Uma, Tnm. RefHIl. Ke....w. Willll r<lt/CO<brJ OUtiine, 8"""'le/, l'laom< Kallman, Rihonn&, Martin

""'"i-.

SmoeHer/AUGUST; OUohku, .Mmn Wl>fte p.aT- Kun!$., Managtment+Miu., A.kerma .. , ~rwic ' S;>nt: Hewitt. J:ame< Whit .. ; Wilde, Trunk Arcll".; RI., M>chael Buck· ""'iGetty Imag'" p.28 WO/TItf! Only by Stefiltl M~.

plJ DlisMd by t.N......: lamb, Bob Elodale/Getty Images; p<g """~ .Image Source/Getty Im"8'" p .)2' ~usag•• On grill. Steve E5tvanik/Big stock Photo; 0. ron Willi""s. B<>y<Ilv.ry/Icon SMVCorbi<; ....u"'ll" •• Satoshi; fIIgs. R<'m i C.uzid{Shutt~.tock: I~ tattoo. EliotJ, ScI>«I>· t..,./Getty p.]6< Dog food, LeWlongiCorbio; Don King. E.amonn McCabe/CAMERA PIlES5/Retno U d .; ~ in

bcr.o«<. BI<nd lmagn,lf<lamy; Illustration, RobM. Dale! ~ty Imag...

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ale Enhancement

• ••

Is it a Hoax or Do They Really Work? Dr. Daniel Stein, M.D.

I

wi,h [had. dollar forcvCT)' patient or~l'$On that !15k-cd me fiver the W I few yean Dbout ilK'll:as;nll the ,i~c of -uw cenain part oflhc mak= body.~ Thc IH"",,Cupation with sm: thai mc:n IuIvc ill • myslef)' Ul most women. The fllCt is it is complelt'ly normal for InO$I rom 11:1 wanl 10 be: II 6oc5n't malic:. if they arc: smaller than

"'IJC'.

,verqe. .ven~, or ~!han ."mge. II', even

conyioced thaI tlteir produci really worked. and they claim 10 have Illld oo\'et ]00 million CIJIW]cs to men .U OWt the WQCId. '"Over ]00 million ClIpsules taken by men." With that single dcI;'-'-lion, they had my mtcte$l. Either Ex.t= really worked Of these: 8U)'S lO'eR: the world'. grnte:St Nllke oil lIles.nen. So I mjllC5lcd that they scud me &tcnze formula 10 I could review it, then _ would talk.

( oonU«:led the makers oof Extenze the Yet)' nexl day and asked lhc1n lO'hat they nec:led me for. They ClIptained that they 1Iad. desire 10 haye. medical doetor in their T,V, commcrcialli 10 talk about the cffcctivmes. of the ingnediel1U in ExtCIIU. AI that O'lOl'liCJ'lI an idcIIlpflnl inlo my head. Iiold them if they --.'OUldlc\ me ilTlpf()\"C the: formul. ofElitenu, I wuuld do the commcrdlll fix' frttl Before I knew it I was worting with their

b«n my upemnc:c thai guys !Iw &R: ,Imost 100 big. !I() bi, in fact thaI mM)' women WOI\I go near ~ with • len fOOl pole (sorry about thai) aill want 10 be Latter! I 111115 so inniJued by this flIct Ihnl I 5tanOO to do u:liearch aOOul the "1iO callctl" male enh.",,;cmcnl p;U, thaI came on the market 5Cvcn.1 yCBI'lI 19o. The COn«Pl thaI D simple pill could noticcably increase the li4 of • man', organ $Cen\ed "llusib\c. but [ wantc:d 10 know man:. I had done

-they claim to have sold almost a quarter of a billion capsules to men. cllcmi~\J II the manufJlCtUring plant where we added the 11I0Il1 TC'VoIlilionary thinlllO the formula

ml.l(:h a wan:h over !he )T3J$ IIbouI certain suually tnhlneing eompO!!ryk .vai[.b~. 10 1 believed the -1M lIIulIOUnd WII' pill CO\IId be ma6e 10 make I mall 1aQ,:ef. My fIrSt taU: was 10 Ioolc I' some of the .ds I bad

Wc MIdnI DIlEA, II]1ll known as the -mother of.1I tMlllO!>CS. DHEA. is the most important human pruhormooc and is Ihc: prohOfmonc that converts into tc:s~ in men, OHEA levels ~asc with the 1Ij;ing. Production peaks in • llWl 'l carly 20'.., and dediDe:5 about 10% C\'try to yean, Low 1e\'cI5 OflCSlostQOIOC of & t=

M

in magu.ines for male cnharw:cmcnL There wcn: _ &mIIrini clainu; by many of theM: maken. My pcnonal r,von!1l wu • cn:am !hal

iI«'II

claimed 10 make men insULInl)' larger. 1 had

can lead 10 ]uw 5eX drivc and I "nallel' sex~, After a few nlOrC: wo:cu of lWt;aking the formula of Exlen1.t. Wt were done. The new Exten1.c formlll~ has bI:i:n ICllinll even bener tl,en thc old

\0

la~lIh

OUI loud wh~n I reod whal il said. The lid read, Mallfll y CftIm, rub vigorously, inaeasc: your Ii«." [ LhotJ~1 for. minute and then dcl;ided you ~ouId pul virtually atIythil1g on a man. includinl guacamole, and if he rubbed vigorously il --.'ould iUCItMe his sUe. TIxn Ibtrt was an ad for I pill. that ifu.WI dal[y. would iDcrc.ast the length of. I1'1III by 3 10 <4 inches In JUSt • few Ilion dr.)" (IOn)' about the: "'Jhort" oommml). rm toIT)', bul .fter .11 those )"'In of mcdiCIII IIChooI, I know I:1IClUgh .bout analOmy 10 know that 'luy",110 is 5 m~hcs in 1cngth i5n't pnllO add 3 100 4 inches to hi, lillIe: friend un[~ he buys. TOpe, gelli .llll¥c brick, finds Bbridge and ... well,)'UII get the piclUfe, At .boul thi' time [ was beginning 10 think thRt pcrIuiPllhcse makers hadn'l found the nlalPC mixlure of rompounds I had hoped they might ha,'e, .... 1 the founder ofbMh the Stein Modical Inslitute and the: FounU.tion fur Intimacy. I have spmllllOlil of my adull life trying 10 iiUptOVe: men and

formula, wilh OOVCT 75% of Hlcs 10 ~I custm"e,s, &len1.e Iw been on the nwtet for 7 yean "lid hal; w id .lm.olit I quarter of" billion CIIpsules 10 men .n OYCf the world. 11 doesn't malter if youw [8 or 80 )'cat'$ old. In my opinion &tcnzc: can make you larger. hardc<- and LDCrc:asc: both your intcnJilYand pmure and il is lIS simple f,$ takin¥. fingte IIblrl daily. &tetuc 1150 WI': il would work for anyone thai tbc:}o',e rending out II froe one-wl'!clr JUJIIlty of Exlentt for noth ing tnI)t'C then the 00Ii1 of . posIIlilc ~t.mp, You CatI WOllI<.'t litem din:<:tl y.1 8()o'S86-0302. I rttOIIUTIcnd any man healthy enough 10 cngage in sexllD.l activity 5hould try EIItcll<tc. You havc IlOlhinll lO lol;c bu' . 10110 gain.

I then visited the &ICOU,com .'~b Slit: • • 'bert I found • page thai sho¥I'td the lOp f'M:h'c adutl fitm liar¥, all boldinll: &tcnzr and mdon.", it I thougbl to lrIysclf, Mis it possible &tcnze actually worbT The next day I received the proprieIary F.xten7.e fom.ut. imd there if IO' N. virtually ,II of the ingrcdien\J thaI I hoped would be in • male enltancemenl product, 19 phantUlCt\ltical grade nUlratnJ,;""all. 1'hc:rc was Yohimbe (wh ich uKd 10 be: IYli]able by prcsa;plion only,) L-.... '1ininc, Maca .... ll ofil was !here.

*

A Pill That Can Increase Your Size!'

"a pili that, If taken dally, would Increase the length of a man by 3 to 4 inches." women's sexual he.llb. 1 pride myself on being Ihe: best medical doctor I can be and my rcpuwion is In,ponalil 10 mc:, SoJ, when OUI of the tla.r bill\: Ky. I go! • CIIll (rom I~ makers of &tertn', the leader In male ml'l.llnwnenl, wanting me 10 be in one of lI£Ir TV 00CI1nlCft ...... I thought., "Bo)'. did thc:y pick the wrona guy!" Little tIid tbey bow that I had doM I'e'3I rncan:b into thiS COfMpi and had ,eot:otly looked .11OIl1C of ~ ma]c enhancement producu. RUI the makl:n of ElIlclILC IiOrnltd 10 be genuinely

Just pay for the postage stamp.

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z. •


The Decider: How much more of this crap can you take? Discoveryour mental state as the world crumbles around you.

START HERE

What's your favorite Run DMC album' A. TOIi8'~r Than LNt~e!'" e . liaising ~~" C. DMe's heartbreaking tribute (oJam """Sler J~, "I 'm MyFrieoo"

M~

floll up this maguine and whack yourself in Ihe face with it.

How does Ihat mak.. you feell A . MAGAZINEHURTME!NOW ME

HURT MAGAZINE! B. Tha"< you, MI>'im, may I .""ther? C. NOIII ing. Ab""lul..Jy nothing.

II.""

Becaule of )lour budget, )'Our ....1 mealwas. •• A , New Vorl< strip, mediUm-r.lre. But l.kippe<l the iceberg -.-Ige. a. Rame<1 .prlnkle<! with C....... ~I'.Again. C. llamen 'prinkle<! witl1 coff.., ground, and TIc Tac •. Agioln.

Wh~ ~

w.ka up, ~ sil I" )Iou, un_ea •• nd st •••

Complete the ...... tenc ..: Shit roll.

_.

al Ihe wall for _ . A. Two minute< B. Five !>ours, on a good day C. Five hou"', if)lOu swap ""Jt:tre '" wall" for «gnaw pillO\'ll open and eat feathers"

A. Downhill B. Downhill, In(o my front door, c~tlng mywi/"

and children

C. Nowhere! The &OV<ernO'r">ent wants you to believe it rOllS, but the bwisible man who lives in my ~row lold me the truth

Whal do you see herd A. A spreading d a rkne •• lhal will soon e ngu" me. Or a puppy. B. What I wish I would hiM! do"" to t .... HR do"'he', f.lce ..,.,..., .... Mlet mega."

Which Image .... ms up how you feel whll<! watching Ihe news?

How many nervouS b.e aJcdow", have you .... d? U~

B. El~ty-ni"".

Wanna S<:e where I l<eepmyna~ ctipp;ng.l

Hey, stud . W........ pllrly? A. You know it! 8. Yo<; know il! Just 10.1 me go off .mid~'e.... nts fer <II few days so Ic"" regain ... " .. tion in my Vnital.,

T",e or false: YouVo! looked

Into !>ow much)lOU can make renling)'OUc Qt.

.. •

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••

120 MAXIM

o jUNElOO9

>-----'

••

BY SCOTT JACOBSON

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How much money did you have invasted with Bemie Madoffi' 4 . Nothing. one oft .... per.. of being poor. B, Everything. Why, is there some kind of problem with 1M firm?


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Maxim_2009-06_US_storemags.com