QUESTIONS OF THE MONTH

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AROMANTICISM AND ASEXUALITY CAN OVERLAP, HOW DO THEY INTERSECT FOR YOU/HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY?

Quoiromantic Asexual - Robert

I identify as aroace. For me, identifying as aro seemed to come naturally once I identified as asexual. Since I do not experience sexual attraction, I also do not experience romantic feelings by default. To me romance and sex go hand in hand, so if I do not want sex then I do not want romance either. - Mary

Asexual hetroromantic, but still unsure if the romanticism is gray. - Jasmine van der Veen

I primarily identify as AroAce/aromantic and asexual. I tend to identify with aromantic in a more strict or specific sense, where asexual I mainly identify with for convenience cause it’s close enough to true - Anonymous

I’ve known I was asexual for about 6 or 7 years. I just recently began to identify as aromantic as well. - Danielle

I identify as a sexual aromantic. - Kev

I think I’m panromantic, but thought I was aro for a long time because it was so hard to differentiate between platonic and romantic love. I still don’t think I could explain it. Learning I was ace gave me the opportunity to explore the meaning of attraction of all forms and helped me better understand myself. - Anonymous

I’m an aroace. - Anonymous

I am new to this community and discovering how I fit. After

learning about the various types of attraction it became clear the my sexual attraction to others is non-existent; I am still exploring what my romantic attraction is to others. - ExplorACEtion

I am demiromantic(or somewhere else on the aromantic spectrum) panromantic and a sex-repulsed asexual. - Anonymous

I am Aro Ace. - Emily

I’m aro ace. - Kris

I’m grey romantic and greysexual, but I usually identify as aroace because that’s what’s relevant. - Skyla

Aromantic Asexual. - Nick

I am aromantic asexual. - Justine

Aroace. - TormentDubz

I am asexual and demi romantic, and they intersect on experience of not being conventionally attracted to people (in all types of attraction). - Anonymous

I am a married asexual romantic female. Within my relationship I have begun to have an aversion to romance because it always comes with an intention of sexual intimacy. Learning I am asexual means learning to set new boundaries around romance and sex in my marriage so that I can accept the romantic connection I long for. - Anonymous

Asexual demiromantic. - Helena

I identify as both aromantic and asexual. To me, this means that I feel no confusion about how I process/interpret my relationships IE they are all either platonic or familial, and that is more than enough for me. All of my relationships “live” in the same place in my mind, and the only difference is how close I feel to one person over another. - Thomas

I believe they do in a way, but not in the way you’d expect. When I figured out I was Asexual, upon diving into and digesting a lot of the resources the Asexuality community provided including attraction models, I realised that my understanding all this time was engrained from early years in the closet and church. - Caroline Elisabeth Cull

WHAT CAN PEOPLE DO TO SUPPORT ARO PEOPLE?

I think having a clear, specific, and consistent definition/ explanation of aromanticism would be helpful. Hearing “not interested in romantic relationships” as opposed to “doesn’t feel romantic attraction” leaves too much room for misinterpretation and inaccuracy. I do not see these as mutually inclusive and/or interchangeable statements. For example, cupioromantics do not feel romantic attraction, but they may still be interested in seeking out a romantic relationship. - Robert

Just be understanding. Don’t judge us and call us “weird,” “crazy,” or “in need of therapy.” Don’t try to change us by offering to set us up on a romantic date or saying that we just haven’t been romanced correctly. That gives the impression that you think our identity is not legitimate. - Mary

Not explain asexuals as people who “can still feel love so they are normal” because we all have hearts, just want different types of relationships. I think overall awareness is the most important

thing. - Jasmine van der Veen There’s two main things I can think of. First is learning to stop conflating love and romance, second is to stop treating romance as “basic human need/what makes us human”. There’s a lot of people who still assume without romantic. - Anonymous

People-particularly non-ace/aro people- can support aro people by accepting the fact that there is nothing to “fix” about our identities. People in general can support aro people by knowing that they don’t need to understand aromanticism to support it. - Danielle

Take no gracefully. - Kev

Don’t assume a happy ending is romance or marriage. It can be, but isn’t always. - Anonymous

Not pressurize them to the point that aros have to pretend to be straight. - Anonymous

I am new to this community and discovering how I fit. After learning about the various types of attraction it became clear the my sexual attraction to others is non-existent; I am still exploring what my romantic attraction is to others. - ExplorACEtion

Be less pushy about finding “the one,” and respect that not everyone needs or wants a romantic relationship. - Anonymous

Respect that they aren’t interested in relationships. - Kris

Unlearn the idea that romance is essential for a happy life, and that not falling in love/experiencing romantic attraction makes someone”bad” or “evil”. - Skyla

Get informed about aromanticism and accept it as a valid orientation, and stop trying to erase our identity with the “you just haven’t met the right person yet” or with the “you can’t be forever alone”. - Nick

Just educate themselves more on it and the split attraction model. - Justine

Quit idolizing romance - TormentDubz

Be more open to listening and be willing to detach from their preconceived notions. - Anonymous

Stop contributing to the narrative that sexual intimacy is a necessary and frequent component of a healthy relationship. - Anonymous

Raise awareness, representation in media (socials, books, movies,...), education (for example in sex ed). - Helena

By not questioning us we say that we aren’t attracted to people sexually or romantically. Our orientation doesn’t affect anyone other than us, and so questioning or doubting us only hurts our relationship with the other person doing the questioning.

Also by understanding that close, platonic friendships are just as impactful and important as romantic or sexual relationships, even between people of different genders. Understand that we are not inherently lonely, depressed people. At least in my experience, when I realized my orientation it was rather liberating, in that I’ve found myself to generally be much happier and more hopeful for my life/future after embracing these parts of me. - Thomas

The best thing you can do to support people is not to expect them to be your teacher. Just because you don’t understand something, it doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to somebody explaining everything or making it digestible. We have the resources. You have Google. Explaining our orientation to almost every single

person is exhausting. - Caroline Elisabeth Cull

HOW CAN PEOPLE BETTER UNDERSTAND WHAT AROMANTICISM IS VS WHAT ASEXUALITY IS?

I think more discourse regarding the decoupling of romantic and sexual orientations a good start. - Robert

Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction but aromanticism is a lack of romantic attraction. A person can desire sex with someone but not want any sort of romantic relationship with them. And a person can want romantic relationships yet not want to have sex with the person they are in the relationship with (although this one is difficult for me to wrap my head around). - Liam Pearse

I’m not too sure. Every allosexual I’ve talked to struggles deeply to differentiate the types of attraction. - Jasmine van der Veen

Romantic attraction is non-physical. Sexual attraction is physical. Romantic relationships don’t require a sexual connection. - Danielle

Aro is for romantic attraction, like wanting to date people or being in a relationship with them. Aces arent sexually attracted to people. - Anonymous

Understanding sex doesn’t equal romantic love, and the two don’t have to go hand in hand. - Anonymous

The ro in aro stands for romantic and the sex in ace (asex)

stands for sexual. - Emily

Learn about the different types of attraction and listen to all kinds of aspec people (e.g aromantic allosexual, asexual alloromantic, aromantic asexual). - Skyla

Explaining them that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same. - Nick

Again, educate themselves and listen to a-spec people. - Justine

Discerning different types of attraction. - TormentDubz

Good question! - Helena

passion that go beyond what you would tell a friend or family member) A-SEXual = no sex (may or may not include sexual behaviours that are not penetrative sex)

That’s probably not the best description, but it’s the best I could come up with. - Thomas

Discerning different types of attraction.There are tons of resources online you can read into. - Caroline Elisabeth Cull

IF YOU’VE EXPERIENCED AROPHOBIA, WHAT WAS THIS EXPERIENCE LIKE?

I’ve never experienced any direct arophobia, but feeling like I’m the only one who doesn’t feel the way everyone else feels can be

intimidating, othering, and ultimately belittling. - Robert

Thankfully I have not. - Mary

I’ve never experienced external arophobia, but internalized stuff was something I dealt with for a long time and amatonormativity affected me greatly. I used to call it the “aro blues” because I was genuinely sad that I wouldn’t get a typical fairytale happy ending and thought my life would be miserable, not helped by people around me constantly asking me if I was dating anyone. It helped a lot to realize that my life would be more miserable if I forced myself to do something so incompatible with who I was. - Anonymous

“You just haven’t found the right person yet”- a childhood friend when we were in our early twenties. - Danielle

When I mentioned to a friend I wasn’t sure if I felt romantic attraction to others they asked if that meant I wasn’t able to love. I was taken aback at the suggestion, the suggestion that I could be a cold, callous person because I possibly don’t feel one - ExplorACEtion

I’ve been told I’m gay and don’t want to admit it. - Anonymous

No. - Kris

It was disappointing. I was telling my mom that I was not interested in relationships or marriage and she just laughed and said “yeah...of course. You will change your mind”, and that I can’t spend my life alone. - Nick

I have not experienced it personally just because I’m not out to many people. - Justine

I’ve felt invisible, like society doesn’t see me at all - Anonymous

I didn’t because I haven’t told anyone yet and online i am only in “safe” spaces with communities who experience similar things. - Helena

It was strangely infantilizing. I had the sense that the other person associated being in a relationship with being more “adult” or “mature” than a single person, and that the only people who had no desire to be in a relationship even passively were literal children. When I told them that in fact I was not lonely and genuinely preferred to be single, they didn’t believe me and thought I was lying to myself to save face. They full-on pathologized my own reality to me. Thankfully I didn’t see this person ever again, but their “I know you better than you know yourself despite having just met you” attitude was very off-putting. - Thomas

It was hard, because I had heard those words a million times in my own head before coming out of the closet. - Caroline Elisabeth Cull