Debate Issue 1

debate Issue 01 | MARCH 2014

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debate Issue 01 | MARCH 2014

Cover

by Ramina Rai

EDITOR Matthew Cattin matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz

DESIGNER/PHOTOGRAPHER Ramina Rai ramina.rai@aut.ac.nz

contributors Abigail Johnson | Ethan Sills | Laurien Barks Samuel J Hennesey

Illustration & Photography Amelia Petrovich | Ramina Rai

advertising contact Kate Lin kate.lin@aut.ac.nz

printer PMP Print Ltd.

publisher AuSM all rights reserved This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.

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EDITORIAL Hello all, I’m not one to rub salt in wounds, but summer is over, the days are getting shorter and you’re paying to have the majority of your leisure time assaulted by stress and heavy workloads. Oh schadenfreude – I couldn’t ask for a warmer friend.

You have in your hands a debate magazine, more commonly referred to as AUT’s Craccum.

Published by AuSM (your student organisation), debate is very much the magazine that you make it. Not including the gossipy trash I write, everything within its pages is contributed by students. We’re always keen to hear new opinions so whether it be a beautifully crafted article or just a brief letter to say ‘eff you’, we would love to hear it. There is no contractual obligation, no money passing hands and only a smidgen of peer pressure from me but if you’d like to see your ideas published, no matter how silly they may be, this is a pretty good place to start. We publish a new mag every week of semester and distribute copies in the red wire stands around campus first thing on a Monday morning. Pick one up, procrastinate a little. They’re free for the taking.

Now that business has been addressed, how was summer? I hope you took the chance to ditch this dreary city and head for the coast. I couldn’t for the life of me believe how quickly four weeks flew by, being so accustomed to the four month funfest that is uni holidays… I was just starting to enjoy my January and whammo - I’m sitting on a bus with no aircon, sweating in my work pants as I huff up Wellesley, weeping in the office over our broken aircon… If there is one word of advice I cannot stress enough, it is this – make the very most of your uni breaks, they’re stupidly long and you’ll likely never get that time off again, at least not until you retire or die.

Over New Years I found myself exploring the best bits of Northland. Setting up base at a bach in Taipa Bay, a few friends and I used it as a launch pad to appreciate the still untouched region.

We spent a day trekking to the very top, tackling Cape Reinga, Tapotupotu Bay and Spirits Bay, we surfed the majestic Shipwrecks Bay, caught a snapper off Mangonui wharf, skinny dipped at Taipa and had a picnic at Maitai Bay – it was beautiful and I had to keep pinching myself. Upon returning home, my memories of the north were already sun-drenched, golden and distant. As I sit in the office, they couldn’t feel more like a dream.

And I can’t help but hope all of you are feeling the same.

Enjoy your Orientation!

Matthew 5

PREZ SEZ president of ausm, john kingi

Kia ora and greetings! Welcome to AUT and welcome to Debate Mag for 2014. It's a pleasure to be able to write this first Prez Says for 2014. As your Student President, I am here to be your voice and to hold AUT to account.

AuSM is your organisation. You fund it, you control it and you decide on the direction the organisation takes. I lead a student council and a board who make these decisions and the more we hear from you the more we can ensure we represent you credibly both at a local and also a national level.

We provide you with cool services, events, advocacy, legal advice and great orientation eventsn and gigs.

Make sure you pick up an AuSM Diary, wallpaper, get a free feed, pop into your student bar "Vesbar" or just come in and say hi! My door is always open.

AUT is a place of opportunity and ambition. You will be the future of industry here in New Zealand and that is exciting and thrilling. Alongside the Vice President, April Pokino, I am committed to you and your success.

Make sure to get involved too with Clubs and other student life activities. Your experience is so crucial to your success here at University, so take advantage of your student mentors, the student learning centre, information courses and your lecturers and tutors.

I look forward to watching your journey here at AUT and I hope to share in your successes over the coming year.

Your Prez,

John The AuSM Executive office is located in the student lounge in WC202.

VICE-PREZ SEZ vice-president of ausm, april pokino

Kia Ora AUTers, I warmly welcome you to AUT University, My Name is April Pokino and I have been elected as your AuSM Vice-President for 2014.

I have been a student at AUT since 2012 so I know the ups and downs of being a student you will learn that managing your time is difficult, spending is the new saving and sleeping is for dummies. These are some of the things that you may encounter during your year at AUT. But AuSM is here to the rescue! AuSM stands for Auckland Student Movement at AUT. We provide many services that can make your student life more enjoyable and fun including a student bar, O-Week, free feeds and a student representative council that sits on committees to ensure that student’s views and interests are heard.

The student rep council work hard to communicate problems and issues we may have at AUT to the board. At the end of the day the Rep council is here to help you, I suggest you get know your rep council as much as you can, because there may be a time when you might need their help. Or you can have the opportunity to join our council later on in the year.

Got nothing to do?

Write an article for the Debate magazine. Visit another campus on our awesome shuttle services. Take some friends around to the Uni-Bar? Or even join a club on campus? There are a number of things that you can do to survive boredom and not just have your head in the books 24/7.

As your Vice-President I vow to take care of our students and make your uni-life easier and enjoyable as best as I can.

Best of luck with your studies during the year and I look forward to meeting you sometime in the upcoming year. My door is always open to visit and do not hesitate to contact me for any problems during the year. Just one last piece of advice – Make sure you GRADUATE!

7

Life After Potter – A Muggle’s Account.

by Matthew Cattin For the third year running, I’ve found myself guiltily boarding the Hogwart’s Express - a mixture of excitement and nerves rattling my ribcage like a restless owl. I can’t help myself… I’m aware of the extensive list of classics I’m yet to open…

I also realise Harry Potter was written for, ahem, children. But in the same way it’s always nice to curl up in bed after a long day, JK Rowling has provided me with a never-fail warming comfort – a mug of steaming butterbeer if you will.

I first read the series with the rest of the world. I was a scratch behind on the first few but I was caught up and eager by the time Goblet of Fire came out. Unwrapping it on my ninth birthday, my other presents were forgotten as I hid behind the classic dust cover, no doubt struggling to lift the weighty collection of words. At the time JK’s biggest output, I still remember the marvellous feeling one gets starting a thick book, like the first bite of a formidable sandwich – one with several meats, limited veggies and surplus sauce. I devoured the following books with an extraordinary appetite – taking the time to carefully re-read the earlier books while eagerly anticipating the next.

Harry became something of a companion to myself, and to millions of other young’uns the world over. We revelled in his triumphs, ached for his sadness and yearned for the day he could overcome the burdens that haunted his life from birth (spoiler alert, it’s that no good scallywag Voldemort). He taught us courage in the face of seemingly unsurmountable challenges, the importance of friendship and loyalty and of course, some pretty nifty magic.

No matter what the day has thrown my way, I can’t help but crack an unashamed smile on the crowded bus when Harry outflies Malfoy in the

quidditch final, winning the cup for Gryffindor. I beam with the pride of a parent – you bloody did it Harry! You got the snitch! I still well up a little every time Dumbledore beams with pride at Harry’s brave humility, or when Sirius reminisces about James. I just can’t help myself… Maybe it’s the spike of nostalgia that hits me in the feels but goodness me there is some serious heartbreak in that series…

What sets JK aside from many other children’s authors is her gutsy lack of concern for killing off beloved characters. If you’re not up to scratch with the Potter series, perhaps avert your eyes…

But I tell you, I still have to take regular breaks in the tough sections of the books so I don’t ugly cry all over the show. When Harry smashes up Dumbledore’s office after losing Sirius, when poor, sweet Hagrid struggles to comprehend Dumbledore’s demise, even when selfless Dobby sacrifices everything for Harry for Chrissake…

JK just knows her way around my fragile heart, and she’s not afraid to slash, burn or utter the odd ‘crucio’. Oh Cedric! Such a nice boy…

AVADA KEDAVRA! Grizzled, reliable Moody…

AVADA KEDAVRA! Sweet Dobby! Such fragile innocence! KNIFE WOUND TO THE ABDOMEN. At the tender and emotionally undeveloped age of 22, these moments still haunt me on the daily.

In some ways, I even went as far as to model my life on Harry; in year seven I developed a kiddy crush on a lovely Chinese girl in my class, largely influenced of course by Harry’s confused feelings for Cho Chang. There was no kiss under the mistletoe in the room of requirement but I almost held her hand this one time so that was pretty Gryffindor of me right? In times of trouble I would ask myself the age old question, WWHPD? Unfortunately, whipping out my wand and showing everybody some magic was never an appropriate response to the question.

The film adaptations created a second (and unnecessary) wind for Potter. Lapped up by the world at large, fans of the book were left scratching their heads at some of the curious choices made by the series’ various directors.

Some characters were spot on - namely Snape, Hagrid and Voldemort – but some actors I could have cast better myself. For example, who the hell decided to make Dumbledore such an angry bastard? Always described as calm, serene and with a twinkle in his eye, it was disappointing to see film Dumbledore getting his rage on all the time, intimidating and pissed.

And don’t even get me started on Radcliffe…

What a monstrosity. I admit, the films did get pretty good towards the end but the damage instilled by awkward-as-Eeyore Radcliffe can never truly be undone.

As a book, Harry Potter was brilliant, but as a business model, it was even better. Creating a character that aged with its target audience in complexity and maturity was a stroke of brilliance I haven’t seen replicated before or since, at least not near as well. Of course the successful film adaptations were likely never imagined by down-on-her-luck Rowling, but I think she must have realised the massive selling potential of her idea, should it ever leave the ground. And good on her! She was persistent with her dream despite being turned down by several publishers. Her work has become such a phenomenon it really is hard to imagine a world in which Rowling gave up after her first rejection.

If you’ve never read the books, it’s not too late for you to redeem yourself as a person. Keep in mind that the first few were targeted at a young audience so, what with your impressive vocabularies, you mightn’t be too inspired… But as Harry gets on in age, so too does the writing level and before you know it, you’ll be crying on public transport like… A friend of mine.

by Samuel J Hennesey

To me it’s more dreaded than the fateful request for “a ciggie bro?”

The prefix that once announced seems to give the addresser full licence to offload anything; leaving you to embark on a difficult change in yourself or bare the eternal guilt of having gotten on the wrong side of an incredibly “honest” person.

“I’m just being honest with you…”

Not that honesty isn’t the most critical value at our disposal in maintaining meaningful relationships. Indeed to be the recipient of honesty and maintain composure is incredibly challenging but undoubtedly the vital response, just as being honest with conviction can be excruciating, particularly with ourselves. However the contemporary slant of honesty may have well escaped its usefulness.

I have fond memories of the show Big Brother because as a teenager you were usually privy to the odd boob flopping about on screen, which in the dial-up- speed era was about a week’s worth of nocturnal satisfaction. Surprisingly they still make the show…only less breasts now that we have broadband. On the current version, a woman was seated in a sequined throne, lamenting her woes to a live audience. She went to great lengths to describe her virtue as an “honest person” and how that made her isolated from the other house mates. Apparently, what she meant by that was she was able to character assassinate people sharing her living space, without hesitation.

At times when I am bitching to other people (not a good relationship formula either) about my frustrations with another individual’s behaviour or character, I am asked “did you tell him/her how you feel?”

The answer most of the time is no.

This is possibly because I am weak and have yielded to bitchiness, and/or because often I value decency over and above this contagious strand of “honesty”. This of course could be a useful or harmful depending on the circumstances.

Being able to confront someone over harmful behaviour is a very brave manoeuvre. But it’s important to note that confrontation involves a particular influence of power over another, and can be used beautifully when drenched in love e.g “your drinking is hurting me”. That statement saved my life. But there seems to be some seduction towards the podium of victimhood for some… And the gold medal goes to those apparently “honest people”.

To make sure I swallow my own medicine, it’s true that I’m writing tucked behind a “feeling” also. That feeling has been established through thoughts, propagated by a devotion to a belief… I will lay that out on the table for you… I don’t trust feelings, and I consider that most of what we feel on a relative scale to be insignificant. Feelings are like urinating, not a big deal unless something goes wrong with the process. Maybe I’m stoic ? Maybe my emotions are blocked by a kidney stone of medication?

Quite possibly.

I don’t adhere to a stoic philosophy (though it turns me on) and I really love seeing people who are fluent in emotional expression. But my sincere distrust in emotions is related to a painful and destructive history where emotions governed my every action. Unchecked, unhindered and most significantly un-medicated, emotions ravaged war on my context, hurting myself, others and my environment with gusto. For me this was and sometimes resides as the experience of bi-polar disorder. After a lengthy healing process a truth

managed to surface in the new found co-ordination of feeling: emotions, feelings, are simply that. They exist as the result of thoughts, and thoughts manifest as the result of beliefs.

So on the scale of internal and intangible structures of the human life, feelings appear rather insignificant: the expelled matter of an internal culture of thoughts and relentless devotion to beliefs that may or may not be true.

Truth is the essence of honesty, but our impulses rally against truth more often than we might think.

True, if one feels an emotion, they certainly do.

Yet simply that it exists is not enough to warrant that feeling as a truth. Descartes the French philosopher said regarding existence “I think therefore I am”, however I feel many current pseudo-philosophers (authors) may amend to regard truth: “I feel, therefore it is”. Truth seems to me to be engrossed in whatever has substance in life, immortal in that it has value even after a death, or strength as it remains unchanged following a calamity in circumstances. The teller of truth is the unfortunate soul who has to speak with conviction, clarity and resonance while navigating the complex beliefs of others. A lifelong vocation, rather than an impulsive infliction of opinion.

I like decency over honesty sometimes.

Decency holds conflict in order to get off the victims high ground.

Telling people just what you think of them or something they do can have little to do with truth, and more to do with being an asshole.

Trust me I would know.

Yours as always Samuel J Hennessy 9

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Our Leo

by Abigail Johnson Of all the great actors who haven’t won Oscars; Pitt, Downey-Junior, Depp, there is one that stings harder than the rest. Our boy Leo. The internet is abound with Poor Leo memes (*glares at Jennifer Lawrence *“I wouldn’t have tripped”) - it has become a veritable thing.

He deserves one for sure, turning in countless stunning performances, and yet The Academy refuses to acknowledge his work. What does it come down to? Some have attributed it to his child-star status; others claim he turns in his best work during years when there were simply better films out. And that is a believable claim. What it doesn’t answer is why he has been nominated a mere four times, some of his best roles not even garnering a nod. Many would argue that Meryl Streep deserves more than three Oscars, but her eighteen nominations more than make up for it.

Leo can fall back on four, and the knowledge that Django Unchained went unnoticed.

One niggling question pertains. Should we care that a rich, white, yacht-owning, supermodeldating, actor doesn’t have a gold statue?

And the answer, obviously, is yes. Not just because he is a great actor, but because he is OURS. He was ours the moment he became Jack Dawson. Before the breakout role he had two phenomenal roles under his belt; What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Basketball Diaries, but it was Titanic that propelled him into the stratosphere.

Titanic is a film that divides audiences. It is loved or loathed; there is no middle-ground. My

boyfriend recently told me that the next time he wants to watch the film is when he is on his deathbed. I think that’s pretty sweet. He loves it so much he wants it be the last thing he sees.

It seems The Academy had a gripe with the star even back in the Dawson days. Titanic went on to break records, winning eleven Academy Awards, (Best Picture, Best director etc) and gave a nod to the lovely Winslet, plus a supporting nod for Gloria Stuart as “old Rose.” Beautiful Leo went without a nomination.

That movie went on to spawn one of Hollywood’s most endearing platonic relationships; Leo and Kate. Reuniting in 2008 proved fruitful for Winslet, earning her first Golden Globe for Revolutionary Road. Leo again walked home empty handed.

That year she also won her first Oscar for The Reader, having been nominated by The Academy six times.

Alas, it is not merely the Oscars who seem at odds with Dicaprio’s talent. He has taken home two Globes (The Aviator, The Wolf of Wall Street). He has lost for seven, arguably better, performances.

Winslet has won three and has been nominated ten times.

Dicaprio won his second Globe this year for The Wolf of Wall Street. Those of us spellbound by his journey to the Oscars stage are ever hopeful that the Globes prove to be the Oscars pre-curser that they so claim.

But will it win?

Some believe that his performance was ‘too loud’ for the old white guys who make up The Academy

Voters. One interesting theory states that he will not win until he has a dud role. His following role will seem astronomically better and he will win for that. See, even for the movies that don’t fare so well, his performances are always criticallypraised. The Academy likes to award actors whose performance level varies.

Many, though, are saying it will win. Not because this role was any better than other grittier turns, but because the WHY DOESN’T LEO HAVE AN OSCAR cry is becoming so palpable. If he wins for this role, I sincerely believe he will be winning on behalf of his body of work.

But then, the cynical among us could argue that not giving Leonardo an Oscar keeps the audience champing at the bit. The Oscars have made no bones about their plight to engage a younger audience and remain relevant. Giving the hosting job to the likes of Anne Hathaway and James Franco (bad, bad, bad) or Seth McFarlene (worse), haven’t proved so amazing.

But audiences will forever tune in to witness forever denied Leo finally get his win. The longer he is denied the more desperate it becomes.

One could take it a step further and reason that by talking about how robbed this poor rich dude is, we are being sheltered from the real world issues. As long as we are discussing this ‘injustice’ we are ignoring the real issues.

And to be honest a small, but very real, part of me doesn’t want Leo to win. Because then this will all be solved. And then we’ll have to focus on the kind of injustices he portrays in his movies.

11

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Even if you are returning as a student and already have an account, you will still need to visit ATHOP.co.nz/studentconcessions and update your details.

This step is mandatory and needs to be completed before applying for or renewing a concession.

3. Load the concession on your AT HOP card.

Visit the special, temporary kiosk for student concession renewals and applications at Aotea Square in the CBD from 24th February 2014 or your nearest AT Customer Service Centres at AUT City Campus (WA Building), Britomart, Newmarket, New Lynn and Papakura Train stations, Smales Farm, Albany and Constellation bus stations, Manukau (Auckland Council Service Centre Building), and Botany Town Centre.

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17

HOUSE OF HARMONIES Interview by Matthew Cattin

When I asked Carl Perkins to pinpoint a few highlight from his 30 plus years in Aotearoa’s reggae scene he paused a moment, sighed thoughtfully and said “it’s all been a bit of a highlight really…” Maybe it’s something in the music, or maybe it’s just his attitude, but Perkins is a happy man. And why wouldn’t he be? He plays reggae music for a living with his sons – surely that’s any man’s dream?

Perkins, a kiwi music veteran, has been laying down the sweet sounds of summer for over three decades, making his name in bands such as Herbs, Mana and The Twelve Tribes of Israel. His latest band, House of Shem formed organically around Perkins’ love for jamming with his family. His sons Te Omaka and Isaiah now provide harmonies and play keyboards in the band – they also do a lot of the songwriting.

“When the boys were at school, they had a hip hop label so we recorded an album with a few of the young up and coming artists and, because I’m a reggae artist, the boys decided to check out the reggae feel and everything went from there. We wrote a couple of songs, the boys wrote a couple of songs and we thought hey, we’ll get into an album and turn it out and see how it gets on.”

Since this spontaneous debut, Perkins and the band have released two more albums - their latest, Harmonies came out in December 2013.

Light, breezy and the perfect complement to a kiwi summer’s day, Harmonies is as much about a message as it is about the music. “It’s a bit of a statement from us, having to deal with some of the things we’ve had to deal with in the last five years, music industry situations and this and that. Of course, not everybody has the same understanding towards the band and the brand, I suppose that’s the blessing of being a family – we’ve managed to survive all the ups and downs and this is a statement of how we can stay together and work in harmony.”

Being self-produced, the band is able to create freely and be fully involved in the recording process. “I’ve got a little bit of a knack for arranging other musicians to flow into the feel that we like to have in certain songs. It’s a blessing. I think it’s a good thing because we can try and get as much of our creativeness into the songs and the albums as we can,” says Carl. Having a few of his bandmates in the family certainly helps too – a holiday jam session with the kids can evolve into a new tune for the record. “The boys do their creative stuff in their time and we bring it all

together and produce it, put the final touches to it. Sometimes we write songs together – it depends what the mood is and how things are moving.”

As a grandfather, Perkins says it can be hard to tour away from the family, but is quick to laugh when I ask if having whanau in the band also means he never gets a break from work.

“One way or another it does affect your family life. As individuals we’ve all got responsibilities and partners – it can put a bit of weight on relationships. And time we could spend with our grandchildren and the family we are still lucky enough to have with us, in their 70s and 80s, it’s hard to catch up with them,” he says.

With a fairly substantial international following, House of Shem have booked in a Hawaii / USA tour in April and following that, a stint in Europe in June and July. And keeping busier than any grandfather should, Perkins says they are already working on a new album. Before they embark however, House of Shem will be bringing their tight harmonies and easy beats to O-Week so if you’re into your reggae or just keen for some fun times, you can’t go wrong – get amongst.

V for Villainy Interview by Matthew Cattin After a whirlwind 2013, Auckland’s very own Villainy caught up with debate to talk the year that was, the year to come, and of course, villains.

Last time I spoke to y’all, you were working on a new LP. How’s that going?

Neill: It's going well - we have a good batch of songs and are locking in some time to track it really soon. It'll be really great to get some new material out - we've just passed three years from when we first tracked the drums for album one so we're very excited about this.

Did you get much of a break over summer?

Thomas: A little bit of one over Christmas, but then it was all about prepping the set for Big Day Out, Homegrown and getting these new songs fleshed out.

Your performance at Big Day Out was fantastic – you pulled a solid crowd for the time of day. Was it the biggest crowd you’ve played to? How did you find the performance and the festival?

Thomas: Yeah, it was a sweet show. I don't know if it was the most [we’ve played to]. It was definitely up there with Homegrown last year, and maybe Incubus the year before that. The actual show itself was great, really humbling response from the

crowd, and cool to be able to get to soak up the festival environment after we played. Western Springs is an incredible venue with all the green space, we're looking forward to many more Big Day Outs there as performers and punters alike.

You finished the year strongly with a Tui award – how were you feeling after that recognition?

Neill: It was incredibly surreal. A lot of the time when you're making music you're kind of in a bubble, so anytime anything breaks through that it's a really welcome reminder that what you're doing is actually worthwhile and awesome.

need some serious balls to run an underground drug ring like he did, but somehow he managed to do it without the balls.

If you could be a despicable supervillain, what would you do?

Thomas: I tend to prefer the idea of being slightly annoying... I don't know... Like the power to sew things with my mind, so you could go through a clothing store and then sew all the pant legs shut, which would be very frustrating for all involved.

You’ve quickly become one of New Zealand’s premiere rock bands – do you feel like it’s all happened pretty fast?

What have you got lined up for 2014?

Neill: Recording album 2. Celebrating. Releasing album 2. Celebrating. Touring album 2.

Celebrating.

Who is your favourite villain?

Thomas: Joseph Kony. It definitely feels like we'll be doing Kony 2014 this year.

Neill: It's been a trip. Three years ago we started making the Mode Set Clear record, then a year later we played Vector with Incubus, toured New Zealand and Australia, won the Tui and have now just played Big Day Out. We're definitely stoked with the way our material has been picked up by people and if we ever had any kind of expectations they've been well and truly shattered. It's been good. And it's going to get better.

Dave: Another favourite is Lance Armstrong. You

19

VILLAINS: (Left to right) James Dylan (bass guitar), Dave Johnston (drums), Neill Fraser (vocals and guitar) and Thomas Watts (lead guitar).

and crewed by three kiwis”. With guitarist Joel Halstead, bassist Callum Tong and drummer Nick Douch rounding out the lineup, Ekko Park is gaining steady momentum in New Zealand’s rock scene after releasing their debut album Tomorrow Tomorrow Today last November. “Since the album came out it has without doubt been the best period in Ekko Park's history. We've played some great shows all over the country; the single My Crime has gone crazy on radio. We've stayed in the Rock FM's Weekly Top 20 Chart for the past 11 weeks and we came in at #64 in the Rock FM’s Top 100 songs of 2013 - and we've been getting airplay stateside and through Europe”.

EKKO PARK Interview by Matthew Cattin I’d wager every kiwi has a classic memory of local legends The Exponents, whether it’s a drunken bellowing of Why Does Love Do This To Me on New Year’s Eve or a heartbroken drive through Hamilton with the windows down - I’ll Say Goodbye blaring on the radio. For Joe Walsh of Ekko Park, The Exponents gave him a memory that will last forever.

“Dublin, 2005, I got asked to play a 20 minute support slot for a kiwi band called The Exponents! It was that simple - that 20 minutes changed my life. I became great friends with those guys, moved to New Zealand a few months later, joined the Jordan Luck Band and have been here ever since,” he says. It sounds too good to be true, but then again, it could be the luck of the Irish.

After a stint with the Jordan Luck Band, Walsh started fresh in 2010 with Ekko Park – a rock four piece he describes as “a ship captained by an Irishman

Always interested in band’s naming origins, I asked Walsh if there was a story behind Ekko Park. “Back when the band was starting, Myspace was still very important for bands. I wanted to name the band after a Joseph Arthur song called Echo Park”, he says. “Unfortunately all Facebook and Myspace pages with the name Echo Park were taken. We toyed with changing the name completely but I loved Echo Park so as many bands did back then, we changed the spelling so we had Ekko Park all to ourselves. A bit of a pain in the arse now... Ain’t hindsight a wonderful thing?”

Walsh says plans are underway to hit up Ireland and Europe in the near future but it seems gigging around humble old New Zealand still holds massive appeal for the lads. “As an outsider it’s easy to see how many wicked venues and towns there are to play in New Zealand,” he says.

“I guess no matter where you’re from, you can kinda take your home for granted. I never take New Zealand for granted - it really is a stunning country. And to get to see it whilst playing music is really something special.”

Before they embark anywhere too far left of field however, Walsh and the boys will be playing O-Week on Thursday March 13. “We've played many times with Fire At Will so they'll be awesome! Villainy are currently flying the flag for great kiwi rock at the minute - it’s pretty fucking amazing what they've achieved. Seriously nice guys and seriously killer live - stoked to be sharing the stage with them!”

Is there a story behind the name?

We were playing with ideas to say “go hard” or “follow your heart” or “it’s now or never” in a rock n’ roll way. We chucked some names in a hat and that one was picked.

What would you say is the band’s biggest achievement to date?

I’d say getting four singles play listed on national radio off the debut album is pretty good.

FIRE AT WILL Interview by Matthew Cattin Ahead of their set at O-Week, Fire At Will lead singer Hanu de Jong chatted to debate about juggling bands, singing opera and being a musician in Kiwiland.

You were asked to join the band when they needed a singer. What was it like entering an already established group? And did it mean leaving behind another project?

Well, what convinced me to join them at the time was the quality of material they had already. I knew I could add to the songs even if it meant re-doing all the melodies and lyrics. I had just finished a tour with my South African based band and put that project on hold for a few months. Nowadays I juggle the two.

So you’re still in a band in South Africa? – do you ever feel overcommitted?

All the time! Nah, as long as I plan ahead far enough it all works out. But it is a challenge to keep inspired when you’re always jetlagged from traveling to the other side of the globe.

You’ve had a pretty good run of supporting other kiwi and international acts. Is the Kiwi rock community quite tight and supportive?

There are some bands out there with huge chips on their shoulders. It’s a tiny local industry and most artists believe they deserve more fame or money or whatever. The truth is the ceiling is very low and most bands do it for the love of it - those bands are supportive and awesome to gig with. I find the bands who have done some international travel take it easy when they tour locally having seen how tiny our country is and un-important a “rockstar” in New Zealand is.

Do you remember the first time you thought seriously about being a musician?

I started singing for the State Theatre in South Africa when I was six-years-old – opera mostly. Moved to rock n’ roll when I was allowed to buy beer.

Have you had any classic rock star moments, like hearing your song on the radio for the first time?

The best moment for me, after 15 albums abroad and 17 years in the industry, was hearing the guys on The Rock saying that I’m the best “new” local vocalist.

What has Fire At Will got planned for 2014?

We hope release a few more singles and it’s looking good for some festivals in South Africa and Europe. Also booked for Homegrown and a few other big shows locally.

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE is coming to cinemas March 6, and Warner Bros. Pictures and Debate are giving you the chance to WIN one of 20 double passes to this massive blockbuster!

Email matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz to be in to win.

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“300: Rise of an Empire” pits Themistokles against the massive invading Persian forces led by mortal-turned-god Xerxes, and Artemisia, vengeful commander of the Persian navy. Starring Lena Headey, Eva Green, Rodrigo Santoro, David Wenham, Jack O'Connell, Sullivan Stapleton, Hans Matheson and directed Noam Murro.

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Welcome to AuSM Orientation!

3rd – 14th March 2014 If you’ve never experienced an AuSM Orientation then get ready for two amazing weeks of entertainment, games, gigs, competitions and meeting lots of AuSM friends!

Orientation is also a great time to find out what AuSM clubs you can join or what AuSM events you can get involved in during your time at AUT. AuSM Update Auckland Student Movement at AUT (AuSM) exists to provide support,

What you should do now Check out our website for more information on our services and how you can get involved – www.ausm.org.nz

representation, essential services and advocacy to all AUT students.

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SFA1128380

Street Sharks And How to Avoid Them)

by Matthew Cattin Frequent visitors to Auckland will know every street shark by sight. Earth green shirts = Greenpeace. Electric blue parkas = UNICEF. Rat’s tails and sandals = Hare Krishna. Add to the fray a wealth of sad homeless peeps and buskers (creepy folk couple, angry shirtless rapper and sneaky magician to name a few…) and Queen Street is a minefield of beggars trying to part you from your coinage.

In my few years of coming into town, not only have I noticed an increase in chuggers (charity muggers), I’ve been horrified to discover that they are getting considerably better at what they do. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to avoid their purposeful smiles and matching parkas as they hone their techniques on helpless pedestrians. One such refined technique I have noticed recently is the eager handshake. Decked out in antisocial headphones and a bearded scowl, I usually look pretty unapproachable stalking down the footpath and I don’t have too much trouble shaking off the odd street shark. But then they evolved, adapted perfectly to exploit my vulnerability – they learnt the handshake.

It’s hard enough sometimes to shake off an enthusiastic salesperson once eye contact has been established… Now throw into the mix an outstretched hand, a gesture of greeting so obvious, so friendly, so goddam hard to ignore, it’s nigh on impossible to walk obliviously by… Even more alarming, the sneaky bastards have figured out that by standing next to slow rotation light crossings, pedestrians will be

stuck, standing at their mercy for a few minutes at the time. It’s just not fair – they are armed with knowledge and skills so powerful that the average sucker is rendered defenceless. They’re so good now at what they do, they’ve got us all feeling guilty for rudely avoiding their pleas. But that ain’t right! These people are being paid to hold pedestrians hostage and peer pressure them out of their hard-earned coin. Sure it’s usually for a good cause, but when their tactics include guilt tripping, ambush and generally being dickheads, well, my guilt lessens somewhat.

As a victim of many street shark assaults, I’ve learnt a few nifty tricks that should help you out of potentially awkward spots.

See no evil, hear no evil.

Probably the easiest of all avoidance techniques is to simply divert your eyes. Whether you stare determinedly straight ahead, realise how interesting the ground looks or whip out your phone or iPod, there are plenty of ways to make this technique work for you. However it is by no means fool proof - truly determined street sharks will sometimes sneak an awaiting hand under your nose for a handshake attempt or step into your path, forcing you to look up.

Be the bigger person.

Flash your most winning smile, say with confidence and pride “$15 dollars a month, buddy!” and keep up your walking pace, a spring in your step. Your smile will be returned, they’ll thank you so very much for helping and sometimes, you’ll even get a high five as you strut past. This is my favourite technique and therefore the one I employ most often if eye contact is made. It’s never failed me yet but be warned, most charities have a minimum monthly payment so if you’re going to give this one a crack, be a generous liar.

Human sacrifices.

If you keep your wits about you and stay ever

vigilant, you’ll see the chuggers long before they see you. Use this to your advantage and on your approach, alter your speed and direction until you’re safely positioned behind another pedestrian. Yes it’s selfish and it won’t get you a fast track to heaven, but there is nothing funnier on this good earth than seeing your, now irate, human shield getting effed over by ‘the handshake’.

Their own medicine.

Approach them instead, they won’t know what hit them. Rather than avoiding eye contact, make a beeline towards them, hand outstretched for a sterling hand shake. When they open their mouth in search of your bank account details, cut over them with a proposition of your own, “brother, have you heard the good word of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?”

Charm your way.

If you can discreetly draw your wand upon approach, a well-aimed Expelliarmus charm should be effective in disarming the chugger of his iPad, clip board and pen – as well as knocking his/her confidence. If you have mastered non-verbal spells, this is your time to use them as there will likely be many muggles about.

Get your own back.

This one is for the experienced and confident streetwalkers only… If you have balls of steel and an outlook for anarchy, rush in there with both guns blazing. Act interested, match their friendliness, ask questions, and keep them talking for as long as you can. The moment they hand over the pen to seal the deal, look them dead in the eye, whisper “for Frodo”, and stroll on out of there, never looking back.

If all else fails, hand them your wallets and walk away.

25

REVIEWS

AMERICAN HUSTLE Directed by David O. Russell.

Starring Christian Bale, Amy Adams and Bradley Cooper

The first laugh was easy, a black screen with white text, “some of this actually happened”. So used to the ‘based on a true story’ bullshit claims, it’s refreshing to see a film admit outright it was largely fabricated. However while the film took certain liberties in its story telling, the skeleton of the actual events remain largely intact.

Based on the ‘Abscam’ of the late 70s and early 80s, the film portrays the FBI’s attempt to weed out corrupt politicians by offering them monetary bribes for political favours. To pull off the entrapment, the FBI enlist the help of convicted con artists and lovers, Irving (Christian Bale) and Sydney (Amy Adams). It’s not the most grandiose of schemes – this isn’t Ocean’s Eleven – but it’s interesting enough to keep up pace, even if the film could have done with a touch of editing for length.

What really saved the film from mediocreville was its stellar ensemble cast – a trademark move by Russell. Christian Bale, so bulky and ripped for Nolan’s Batman trilogy once again transformed himself for the good of a role, gaining 40 pounds and sporting what is perhaps the worst haircut I have ever seen on a man. B Coops too must get a kudos for his tight perm and hilarious laughter (when you see it, you’ll know).

Despite being cast in a supporting role, Jennifer Lawrence was typically fabulous, delivering some sterling emotion (in what I later discovered to be an improvised scene) and most of the comic relief. I tell ya, there is no stopping that woman.

Speaking of supporting roles, any film that features Robert De Niro in a minor role for about five minutes of screen time is winning – ain’t no bones about it. With some classy work from Louis CK, Jeremy Renner and Jack Huston rounding out the main cast, it’s essentially a who’s who of Hollywood legends and up-and-comers.

Reviewed by Matthew Cattin

Walking out of the film, I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it. The plot wasn’t too inspiring and it never quite reached a climax but the characters were portrayed with such skill and devotion that nothing else mattered. I was caught up in a world of chronic hairstyles, equally disgusting suits and Christian Bale’s pot belly and penguin waddle.

It’s not the most fun I’ve had in a cinema, but it’s a prime example of what a skilled director can do with a cast that know their shit.

With a B grade cast, American Hustle could have been an absolute bloody shambles – longwinded, sprawling and hard to follow as it was. As it turns out though, David O. Russell is like a bloody magnet for classy, top of their game cast members and for two plus hours, I was absolutely hooked on each and every character portrayal.

August: Osage County Directed by John Wells Starring Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney

That is not to say this is a bad movie; indeed, it is the exact opposite. The writing is impeccable and full of great one liners and touching moments, the cinematography and set design is incredible and makes this dark movie look beautiful, while the ensemble cast is simply phenomenal. However, the film’s biggest flaw is the fact we are led to believe this will be a side-splitting family comedy, when instead you leave the cinema feeling reasonably scarred.

Based on a 2009 play, the film is centred on the Weston family, led by matriarch Barbara Weston, who is played excellently (as always) by Meryl Streep, a drug abusing cancer sufferer with a wicked tongue and a double wig situation going on. The Weston’s are all brought back home when their father Beverley disappears and then (semi spoiler alert) commits suicide. Despite Streep seemingly taking front and center and getting all the Lead Actress nominations, Julia Roberts is the true star here as Barbara, the eldest of the three daughters who is currently in the middle of a marital crisis when she gets the call from back home. She is forced to take control of the entire family when her mother’s pill-popping habits get worse, and all the family strife and chaos becomes centred around her as she juggles siblings, her daughter, her husband and dark family secrets.

My use of depressing is probably putting some people off, but this really is a great movie. Every scene is like an act off between the magnificent cast, and there are some light moments to help balance the touchy subject matter of divorce, suicide and drug abuse. It has a very stark portrayal of family life that, whilst unsettling and sometimes uncomfortable, will at least make you view your own differently and perhaps appreciate it a bit more.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills IIf you have seen any trailer or ad for this movie, you may be under the impression that this could be the funniest movie you will see all year. Yet despite what the Weinstein Co’s publicity team want you to think, August: Osage County is instead perhaps the most depressing movie you will see this year, and perhaps ever.

I feel that this will be one of those ‘love it or hate it’ type movies; there is a lot of drama in this, perhaps what may be too much for some people (admittedly at times it feels like a bit of an Oscar-baiter). However, I thoroughly enjoyed this once I got over the lack of promised humour, and I think if people come expecting a bleak but captivating, thought provoking look at family and what it means, you will find something in August to enjoy.

At any rate, the biggest thing I will take out of this experience will be to never trust a movie trailer ever again…

WOLF OF WALL STREET Directed by Martin Scorsese Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie

Wolf of Wall Street is no different. The three hour epic of excess follows the gluttonous life of Wall Street stock broker Jordan Belfort. It’s a tale so vulgar and larger than life, you wish it was strictly fiction, but sadly, this is not the case – Scorsese follows Belfort’s ravenous appetite for life so closely, the audience is left dodging bodily fluids and coughing through the cocaine haze. If you’re faint of heart, this film maybe isn’t for you.

Three hours of drug-addled madness, potty mouthed middle class men and more boobs than you can point a stick at, I wouldn’t recommend this one for first dates, Christian Film Club or taking Grandma out for the day.

The casting was perfect. DiCaprio, who leads as Belfort, was typically brilliant, throwing himself headfirst into the role, amongst many other things I dare not mention.

Addicted to Quaaludes, DiCaprio delivers some truly memorable scenes of utter self-destruction, drooling, crawling and moaning like a wounded creature. He also provides narration in a manner that doesn’t detract, but rather adds to the film – a rarity indeed.

Supporting DiCaprio as Belfort’s right-hand man Donnie, Jonah Hill proves himself in a performance well-worthy of his Oscar nod. As he proved in 2012’s Moneyball, Hill can act and has been doing extraordinarily well at breaking free of his teen comedy shadow. Matthew McConaughey isn’t as prominent as the trailer suggests which isn’t necessarily a bad thing considering his infuriating lisp and face… Young Aussie actress Margot Robbie holds her own as Belfort’s love interest, making an impression amongst a cast of heavyweights – she’ll be the next big thing I’d wager. And rounded out with some familiar TV faces Jon Bernthal (Shane from The Walking Dead) and Kyle Chandler (Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights), it’s a guaranteed good time.

Reviewed by Matthew Cattin Scorsese and DiCaprio – two names that when paired together means cinematic magic. I’ve seen everything they’ve collaborated on and not once been anything less than blown away – they’re the dream team, infallible, unmatched. Not since Scorsese took on De Niro has a director / actor pair been so formidable – quick, throw Oscars at them!

The National Live Concert Vector Arena

Anybody with a hint of sense will early on begin to dread the downfall of the wolf – it was always inevitable. Like Walter White, Belfort was driven by a contagious greed that spread and corrupted everybody around him and I found myself analysing where he passed the point of no return. Nobody does downfall like DiCaprio though – we’ve seen it in The Aviator, The Great Gatsby, Shutter Island, the list goes on. It’s certainly a wild ride, one that I would recommend wholeheartedly if you’re a fan of quality flicks.

With a setlist that covered tracks from their last four albums, there was something for any National fan to get into. In terms of unswerving album quality, I’d say the band is in a league of their own, releasing consistently incredible albums, all the while keeping fans and critics alike spellbound. It’s a rare thing to see a band and be just as happy hearing their new album as their old classics.

Naturally, the Brooklyn band were heaviest on their latest (and most successful) albums High Violet and Trouble Will Find Me. The twin guitarists (and yes, they are actually twins) Aaron and Bryce Dessner were absolutely thrilling to watch, mirroring each other’s intricate riffing and winding up the songs to heavy and dark climaxes.

While the bass player was absent with a child at home, his replacement wasn’t to my ears any different. The real power of the band however lies with drummer Bryan Devendorf, an absolute machine of a man who is light on the cymbals but heavy as hell on everything else. The man is a menace.

Reviewed by Matthew Cattin The National have always reminded me of a classy tuxedo the morning after a night of excess. Now covered in spirits (served on the rocks) and filth, reeking of cigarettes, the tux tells the story of a beautiful and successful man, who’s not nearly as happy as his wealth and stature may suggest. Maybe it’s from the lyrics I get this image, or maybe it’s singer Matt Berninger’s awkward swagger as he stalks around the stage, drunk on red wine.

I’ve seen the band before, a few years back at the Powerstation. I’ve never seen them as a stadium act and I don’t think they believe it of themselves either, more suited to the smaller, intimate venues where crowd-revving theatrics aren’t required to bring a room together. However, after seeing them play at Vector (at it’s small capacity size), I have to say I was impressed.

Berninger’s stage antics are endearingly awkward to say the least. Drunk and seemingly shy and antisocial, he stalks around the stage like a man intoxicated with jealousy. His smooth baritone sounded fantastic and when he sporadically lost his shit and screeched or ditched the stage to walk through the crowd and into the stands, well that was pretty bloody good too. The sound, often a disappointment at Vector, was the best I have ever heard it. Usually, standing at the front is a compromise (getting close means hearing nothing) but it was absolutely perfect. Clear vocals, pounding drums and what’s more, you could hear what each guitarist was adding to the mix.

The songs on my wishlist were ticked off consistently throughout the set. Mr November and Abel kept my Alligator obsession satisfied, Fake Empire and Slow Show were thrown in (just for me I’d wager) and High Violet was covered really well. My only dupe is that the crowd were a National crowd… Quiet, well behaved and for the most part rooted to the spot. Maybe they didn’t want to blister in their hipster shoes without socks, or maybe they were too hypnotised by the band, but come on Auckland, at least bob your head a little? Well played The National.is that the crowd were a National crowd… Quiet, well behaved and for the most part rooted to the spot.

Maybe they didn’t want to blister in their hipster shoes without socks, or maybe they were too hypnotised by the band, but come on Auckland, at least bob your head a little? Well played The National.

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THE Most Anticipated Films of 2014

by Ethan Sills With the Oscar season quickly drawing to a close and the time of the blockbusters rapidly coming closer with every day that passes, here are 15 of the biggest and most eagerly awaited films coming out this year, ranging from sequels and adaptations to the few original ideas still left in Hollywood.

factions based on their personalities.

Book adaptations are hard to pull off, but this is a rarity in that there is no love triangle and a tougher female protagonist, so it could easily be the next big thing.

Noah Biblical epics may not be everyone’s cup of tea for obvious reasons, but since Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky is behind this one, I am interested to see what comes out of it. Everyone knows the story of Noah, but I doubt it would have ever been told on such a large, CGIfilled scale before, and whether you’re religious or not, this will be worth seeing from a film making perspective.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier Captain America returns in the latest Marvel sequel, this one set in modern day Washington as Steve Rodgers continues his work with S.H.I.E.L.D. There are promises this will homage seventies political thrillers, as the Captain faces a dangerous new enemy while uncovering a global conspiracy. The trailer has made it look truly epic, and on first impression, it appears more grounded in reality that the other franchises.

Divergent It seems every book targeted at young people is destined for the big screen, and now the successful Divergent series gets its turn. Shailene Woodley is Tris, a girl in a (surprise, surprise) slightly-dystopic future where people are sorted into

Neighbors Seth Rogen brings us this tale of a young couple that find themselves pulled into a neighbourly war when a frat house, led

by Zac Efron, moves in next door. The trailers are hilarious and This is the End was surprisingly good so high hopes for this one.

The Amazing Spider Man: Rise of Electro Arguably the most unnecessary superhero movie of the past few years was 2012’s The Amazing Spider Man coming less than a decade after the original trilogy.

However, the sequel is gearing up towards a bigger franchise, with plans for a wider universe and various spin offs starting here. With Jamie Foxx as new nemesis Electro, expect more big battles as he and Spidey face off in more computer generated spectacles.

Transcendence One of the few original blockbusters this year, Transcendence stars Johnny Depp as a scientist who, while working to create technology that can surpass both artificial and human intelligence, becomes targeted by anti-technology extremists. While this will come with a message around our reliance on technology, the first trailer paints an interesting picture, and an original storyline is something quite rare these days.

X:Men: Days of Futures Past After six films and three franchises, this mixture of sequel and prequel brings together the characters from the original trilogy with their younger selves from First Class, as Wolverine is sent back in time to prevent mutant-hunting robots from killing off their kind. This is another fairly secretive project, but has a truly all-star cast with producers bringing in every major player from the series - a definite see for fans.

A Million Ways to Die in the West His follow up to the surprise hit Ted, Seth Macfarlane brings his brand of comedy to the Western genre, taking the lead role as a man trying to win back his stolen girlfriend. With a cast that includes Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson and Neil Patrick Harris, this will be one to watch.

readers know what I mean).

Maleficent Angelina Jolie playing an iconic Disney villain – need I say more? The film is a live action version of Sleeping Beauty, but told from the villainess’ perspective.

Combine that with the fact its Jolie’s first acting role in four years, and many people are interested to see just how this latest Disney remake turns out.

Transformers: Age of Extinction Michael Bay returns to his billion dollar franchise of fighting robots and explosions, but this time Mark Wahlberg takes the leading role. It is meant to be a sequel and not a reboot, so it will be interesting to see how it carries things on and if it has more plot than the dumb-but-fun nonsense of the previous films.

Jupiter Ascending The Wachowski siblings, who brought us the Matrix movies, return to science fiction with a new epic starring Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones, a Russian immigrant who discovers she may be next in line to be Queen of the Universe. A strange premise, but it should be a fun, slightly strange entry in the blockbuster season.

Guardians of the Galaxy Here comes this years weirdest super hero movie; GotG is the newest property in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, a space story based around the titular Guardians, including normal-ish characters such as the human Peter Quill/Star Lord, and more outlandish ones such as an alien tree called Groot and Rocket and a genetically modified raccoon, voiced

by Vin Diesel and Bradley Cooper respectively. No official trailers or plot details yet, but trust this to be Marvel’s most bizarre but unique entry yet.

Interstellar A space odyssey based around wormholes, few details have emerged about Interstellar, but with Christopher Nolan as the director, it will surely be visually spectacular and mind bending.

With basically every cast member an Oscar winner or nominee (Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain and Matt Damon to name a few), whatever this supposed epic turns out to be, we have high hopes to see how Nolan follows up his Batman trilogy.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part One While the whole ‘splitting one book into many parts’ thing is becoming a drag, the first half of Mockingjay is the best part of the book and hopefully the filmmakers can continue their streak of excellent adaptations. Following on from Catching Fire, Katniss finds her home has been destroyed and she must now take a leading role in a rebellion against the Capitol. Expect some big action pieces and what should be a great follow up before the controversy that will surely follow over part two’s ending (book

The Hobbit: There and Back Again Over a decade after Return of the King amazed the world, Peter Jackson now brings his Middle Earth series to a close.

The previous two Hobbit films have been building up towards a massive war and there is still the problem of Smaug to deal with, so here’s hoping for a nice conclusion to the trilogy. Now we’ll wait and see if Jackson and Tourism New Zealand find some other ways to keep the franchise alive.

Veronica Mars Most people probably wouldn’t have heard of Veronica Mars until it became the highest profile film to get its funding from crowd sourcing. The TV series was Kristen Bell’s breakout role as a teenage detective that ran for three seasons before its cancellation, and this film follow up will provide fans with closure while raising questions about the future of how films are brought about.

Edge of Tomorrow Tom Cruise continues his turn in the sci-fi genre with this adaptation of a Japanese graphic novel. Described as a futuristic Groundhog Day, Cruise stars as a soldier fighting in a war against an alien race, but every time he dies he wakes up on the same day before he fought. I enjoyed Oblivion, and I think this could be just as good.

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Image by Amelia Petrovich

CAT CALLS & PICK UP LINES

By Laurien Barks If you want to make me angry, like really really imma-bust-a-cap angry, you could do one of three things: make that lip smacking sound while you're sleeping, tell me all about your latest project of designing a coat out of kitten fur, or shout cat calls at me. If you failed to read the title - you're either a weirdo or a literary genius who enjoys breaking the binary of reading consecution...either way you should know that I plan to address the third of the make-Laurienangry list.

It comes with the territory, I've come to realize. If you're a female, you're gonna be ogled in the streets by randoms on a kajillion occasions over the course of your life. While some girls may enjoy creeps hollering at them, I do not - It's so freaking primitive I can hardly stand it. Contrary to what you think, I am not flattered by the whistles or "hey baby"s or "hey girl, give me a smile!"s... I am not your dog nor your 'baby' nor do I wish to smile at you when you're creeping me out, bro! I don't know if it's an ego thing or a masculinity thing or just an 'I'm bored' thing - all I know is that I’m not the only one who finds it annoying. My friends and I have discussed it on multiple occasions and just find it ridiculous! We avoid certain roads when we walk because they are always littered with creepers. I mean, it's not even like we're asking for it! I'm in my track pants and sweatshirt, with a head full of greasy hair... Come on guys, at least raise your standards and whistle at those who deserve aesthetic appreciation! I'm always tempted to hoot and holler back at the guy, but years of living with both a dad and a brother have taught me, that all men love for everyone to be having a good look at them, and my attempt at objectification would be lapped up and used to fuel their next 'dayum-girl!' rampage.

I find that it's always a select group of men who do it. The majority of guys are decent enough not

to cat call, thank goodness, but this select group of young-middle aged men who enjoy loitering on public streets fail to capture my understanding.

Why do you feel it necessary to shout at me? Is it a camaraderie thing? I just don't know how you want me to respond? 'Hey Baby, where are you off to?'.....'Oh just heading into your loving arms, you handsome, slightly balding, smooth hunk of man, you!' I mean really.

3) The 'not-a-murderer':

So cat calls are pretty much pointless when it comes to actually 'picking up' a gal, but just like cat calls, every girl has heard a million and one pick-up lines, and there are only ever a few that were memorable. Due to the fact that girls have heard a million of these things, unless they've known her beforehand, guys have really got to start getting creative. It doesn't have to be with a lot of words, it doesn't even have to be witty or funny... It just has to be different. While I cannot guarantee that she will respond in the way that you wanted, I can guarantee that she will be talking about you for years to come. At least it's something, right - kind of a foreveralone's way of finding contentment. Here are my personal favourites that I have received over the years.

I was on a holiday in Australia and had scraped my back earlier in the day. That night I was on a bus going home and complaining about how my back hurt. Even though the comment was not directed at him, the stranger in front of me snapped his head around to face me and said “your back hurts? I could give you a massage."

As if this wasn't enough to make my top five list, he then whipped out a card for his massage business to… Prove legitimacy? And proceeded to offer me a free trial bus massage. No thank you bro, but I'm grateful for the giggle that I continue to get whenever I think about this incident. I have kept your card and placed it in my holiday journal!

1) The drunk:

"Hey...do you wanna come over here and have a bite of my pizza?" was slurred while the young man simultaneously managed to muster up enough coordination to actually hold a slice up in my general direction. Forget about offering to buy a girl a drink or a meal - offer her a bite of yours. It's MUCH more intimate!

2) The 'not-so-cliché':

"You are the most beautiful and intelligent fish in the sea." Beautiful and intelligent are such mundane words that anyone could think to use, BUT when paired with the old cliché of there being 'plenty of fish in the sea' it's pretty much the most rockin' line I can think of. Not only were you creative and original, but you were the first and only person to ever include me in a fish metaphor!

Now this line only works when the person is running toward you and then stands in front of you to block your path. "Oh don't worry! I'm not going to kill you!" is a brilliant opening line, and after that safety reassurance, any girl would be silly not to give you her phone number, and eventually, her heart!

4) The 'Um...wow!':

5) The 'unintentional insult':

This one was thrown at me when I was younger middle-high school age. I was chillin' in the general vicinity of this boy and apparently one of those school boy crushes was propelling him to say something to me, so he came over and said 'Laurien, you're really pretty'...I politely said thank you, but then he continued with 'I bet people don't tell you that very often, do they?" Wow! What exactly is that supposed to mean!? It may be true, but you didn't have to rub my face in it, Romeo!

Well thus concludes my little rant/recollection of the best pick-up lines in my life. I hope it was enjoyable. Guys feel free to modify them to your own situations (or girls if you're the courageous, gutsy type). But this intelligent fish is going to sign off, ta ta for now!

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A Queensland Art Gallery | Gallery of Modern Art Touring Exhibition

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Image: Warwick Thornton, Kaytej people Australia NT, Stranded 2011. Commissioned by the 2011 Adelaide Film Festival Investment Fund. Purchased 2011, Queensland Art Gallery Foundation. Collection: Queensland Art Gallery.

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