Debate issue 7

debate

Issue 07 | APRIL 2014

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debate Issue 07 | APRIL 2014 facebook.com/ausmdebate

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by Ramina Rai EDITOR Matthew Cattin matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz DESIGN/ART Ramina Rai ramina.rai@aut.ac.nz contributors Jess Forsman | Ethan Sills | Louise Stone | Campbell Thwaites | KP Lew | Emma Wingrove | Laurien Barks | Nick Jones | Alex Casey | Jamie Barnes | Julie Cleaver | Kieran Bennett Illustration & Photography Ramina Rai | Xander Thurteen | KP Lew advertising contact Kate Lin kate.lin@aut.ac.nz printer PMP Print Ltd. publisher AuSM all rights reserved

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FEATURE ARTIST: HONG SU

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3

EDITORIAL

Hello all, Back in the glory days of college, it seemed everybody had something they were the best at.

Whether you were the top mathlete on the squadron, the most punctual road patroller, or even the student with more truancies than anyone else (shout out to debate’s lovely – yet rebellious – designer Ramina).

Some of the more fortunate students even managed to excel in areas useful outside of the school bubble, learning great life skills such as socialising with the opposite sex, how to fix up a busted engine and sew a pair of pyjamas. Sadly, I was not one of them. I joined the mathlete team only when a smarty pulled out and I tapped out on the first problem to gossip with my un-mathletic teammates. And road patrol? That meant staying at school longer – clearly an activity for chumps. I never excelled in any sports, I never truly pushed myself academically and in my calculus class, my nickname was resit.

But there was one thing I was truly good at, one thing that put my name on the map. That thing was lip sync.

The seeds of obsession were planted one morning in Blake House assembly. The year was 2005 and I had just started college. I was sitting next to a lad named Kane, one of my best buds and also the only kid I knew who could moonwalk, when a few performing arts prefects did a small lip sync number to announce the upcoming competition. “Kane, you need to do this! Do Michael Jackson!” And so it began.

Keen to enter the comp, but not on doing so alone, Kane enlisted the help of another bestie Robert, and myself, and thus started the obsession. At morning tea and lunch times, we would sneak off from our group to the darkest, most isolated corridor in the school to practice. Everything was kept top secret and our plans never made it to the ears of any other. We even made a top secret three way handshake to seal the deal, naming it ominously “the triangle”.

Back then, the only portable music device we had was an iPod mini which, as you may remember, didn’t

have in-built speakers. Therefore our only option for practicing at school was to sing quietly to ourselves whilst working through the routine, stopping and trying to play it cool the moment we heard anybody approaching. We chose Billie Jean, the quintessential MJ classic, and reminiscing how we used to beatbox the drum beat and sing the bass line and synth still brings a massive grin to my face. It really was a beautiful time and it’s hard to get across just how fanatical we were. We’d get home after school and call each other up to yarn about it, discussing everything in detail, constantly brainstorming new ideas for costumes and choreography, day dreaming about the upcoming day. Whenever we had a smooth surface beneath our feet, we’d practice our spins and moonwalks in our socks, losing our minds when Kane managed to pull off a flawless triple-spin. We’d even go on night walks at sleepovers and dance beneath the streetlights on the empty roads, feeling like kings of the darkness.

The secretive nature of ‘the triangle’ extended also to our woeful ways with the ladies. We confided in one another our affections for the special ladies that had captured our attention. “Do you think she’ll be there?”

“What if she’s front row?!” “Maybe she will say hi to me afterwards!!!” In case you’re interested, the answers to above questions are; yes she was there, no she wasn’t front row, and no way, you were way optimistic young Matthew.

Although it didn’t get us much luck with our crushes, the day of the lip sync battle was one of the greatest of my life. We walked out on stage, carrying months of preparation on our shoulders. The lights came on, the Billie Jean drum beat commenced and after two bars of stationary, head down clicking, we sprang into action, pelvises synchronised in their rhythmic thrusting.

It was beautiful. The crowd went absolutely nuts. And that isn’t just my imagination filling in the blanks; I’m talking deafening screams from a few hundred eager ladies and the exasperated moans of jealousy from defeated lads – the school auditorium was in our hands.

So I think it goes without saying, we mother flippin’ won the damn competition that year. We were heroes, regarded school-wide with joyous cries of “hey it’s the little Michael Jackson freaks!” and “bro, do the moonwalk!” Having never won anything before, but for a colouring competition in primary school, victory tasted so damn sweet – as sweet as the mountains of chocolate we won for first place.

Like true musicians, we changed it up each year to keep the countless fans on their toes. In year 10, we were KISS, complete with blood spitting, homemade costumes embellished in tinfoil, face paint, and tennis racquet guitars (or axes for those in the music biz). We felt revolutionary, invincible, and the days of practice we put in paid off with our second victory on the trot.

In year eleven, we were Guns N’ Roses and that was just the icing on the damn cake – the hat trick.

Throughout those years, our ‘triangle’ bond grew and developed into the most fantastic friendship, a fantasy land of blissful ignorance and kiddy innocence. The hardest decision we had to make back then was which band we would choose for that year’s lip sync. But then something happened we didn’t spend months planning for – we grew up. Our music tastes changed, we finally discovered how to talk to girls (note: it’s just like talking to boys), we started playing instruments instead of tennis racquets and all of a sudden, pretending to be somebody else didn’t seem quite as interesting anymore.

Looking back, I am so damn happy that lip sync just so happened to be the thing I excelled at in college. It didn’t help me at prize giving and it certainly didn’t put me in the running for any scholarships… But I believe what really matters in life are memories - and it sure gave me some stellar ones. So just remember team, rock and roll all night.

And party every day.

Matthew 5

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YOU BELONG AT AUT. HARASSMENT AND BULLYING DON’T.

It’s OK to ask for help

If you’re concerned about a situation that you feel is harassment, don’t hesitate –

Just ask.

We’re here to help.

Phone: (09) 921 9090

www.aut.ac.nz/student_services/harassment

Just ask.

Phone: 09 921 9779

HOROSCOPES.

Why You Should Watch: Veep

by Jess Forsman

Aries (March 21 - April 20) Wear appropriate underwear in case you decide to ‘accidently’ flash the person you are stalking… Again.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Your little sister’s friends love Harry Potter too! We all know you want to start a Harry Potter club with them.

You will die a violent death if you do, remember your sister lives with you and well... You are 22.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Your sign is of the twins, Yin Yang, chalk, cheese. Sweet!

We all love opposites - what we don’t love is when you get your twins out. It was 7am! We just had a breakfast.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23) The tide is out financially, emotionally and most importantly, in the empty pint.

Leo (July 24 - August 23) Yes, your luscious, flowing mane is impressive. Your back hair however is not. There are tools to remove this these days, do your research.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23) Do we have our nasty knickers on this week? Breathe!

So you missed the due date, stubbed your toe, burnt your toast and walked into a tree whilst taking a selfie of yourself, saying that you are having a bad day and waiting anxiously for the online audience to tell you that you are still amazing. Don’t worry, someone out there will reassure you.

Libra (September 24 – October 23) Lights are on but nobody is home, mushy brain and glassy eyed. You probably should stop the drinking during the day. Give that drink to a Virgo - sounds like they need it more than you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It is time to peel off that onesie sweetpea, there is a whole world out there. Just don’t start humming the Imperial March down the hallways - people won’t respond to you kindly.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) Serious Sagittarius. Competing is cool. Competing with people about how many push ups you can do is also cool. But competing with a five-year-old kid is never cool… Ever.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Let’s be super clear, low-riding jeans aren’t actually attractive to the female species. We recommend a skirt for a healthy breeze across your, errr, cheeks.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19) Put down that ‘relaxing’ cigarette, and start getting high on life instead. Love, laugh and be merry! The whole world is waiting for your presence, the sun is smiling upon your face and the flowers are singing sweetly… Wait, what did I just smoke?

Pisces (February 20 -March 20) Swimming in circles is fun - you can create whirlpools!

But avoid getting sucked into other people’s drama - especially Virgo this week. Man, they are a whinging mess.

by Ethan Sills Game of Thrones returned to our screens last Monday, and around the world millions of people were waiting with anticipation to see what season four has to offer (and waiting for their favourite streaming sites to upload it, naughty). And we all have a right to be ecstatic about this; it is a brilliant show, and it is not surprising that it has captured the world’s attention. However, it is not the only HBO hit to return for a new season; the third season of excellent comedy Veep premiered in America right after our favourite fantasy drama, but despite the fact both are interesting takes on politics and powers, Veep has not quite had the international acclaim as its bigger budget counterpart. Well hopefully today I can convince a few more people out there to give this brilliant comedy a try.

The Who: Our titular Veep is Selina Meyer, played by TV comedy legend Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Meyer has ended up as the Vice President of America, despite the fact she has her goals set one job higher and despite the fact she really isn’t suited for the job. Joining Selina are her equally incompetent staff; chief of staff Amy, useless media advisor Mike, pretentious and power hungry Dan, catty secretary Sue, and her only loyal companion Gary, her assistant and bag-boy.

The series was created by Armando Iannucci, whose name you will be familiar to those who watched British comedy The Thick of It; if you loved that, then you will definitely love this.

The What: Veep follows Selina Meyer as she attempts to get her own agenda and laws passed and deal with the murky waters of Washington, at the same time as dealing with her dysfunctional staff and orders from the president, relayed by the useless Jonah. The first season largely focuses around Selina’s attempts to get her ‘Clean Jobs’ bill passed into law, and that may sound tedious but this show manages to make it funny. The political humour is interspersed with the staff’s personal lives, largely their relationships and own political goals, while Selina’s ex husband and daughter come into play throughout the series.

Why You Should Watch: When you really sit down and think about it, there are not actually that many original or really funny comedies out there. TV2 may beat us over the head with shows like Big Bang Theory, but sitcoms like that essentially are just one joke that gets reused over and over again (Nerds are funny!

Alcoholics are funny! People sleeping around is funny! Hi-bloody-larious).

Veep, on the other hand, has some variety in terms of its humour. Not only is every episode consistently, brilliantly hilarious, this is comedy that has class, with thought and craft behind each joke so it comes across as completely natural and not set up like the dull laugh-track infused sitcoms we are used to. And while a lot of the jokes are about politics, which seems to contradict my earlier point, the American political scene is a goldmine of potential humour so everything changes and all the different elements thrown together makes for something smarter and funnier than a lot of the dribble currently out there.

Final Thoughts: A show based around politics may sound boring or perhaps too high brow, but Julia Louis-Dreyfus makes every scene a delight to watch, and the constant jokes and insults exchanged between characters are hilarious enough that it is easy to forget what the subject matter is (and I mean that in the best possible way). So if you like having joy in your life, when you’re finished watching your favourite characters get horribly murdered in Game of Thrones, cheer yourself up with half an hour of what is probably the best comedy on TV today. You’ll find few sex jokes, little slapstick comedy and no use of ‘bazinga’ repeatedly, but there is something in there for everyone and you won’t regret your venture into the darkly comedic underbelly that is American politics.

7

FEATURE ARTIST

Are you the artsiest kid in town? Email rrai@aut.ac.nz with your creations.

HONG SU Hello everyone! I am Hong Su and I am currently studying a Bachelor of Fashion Design (Honours) at AUT. The collection Wool and Cashmere was inspired by my feelings for a girl I had been in love with for many years.

Every woman should deserve someone’s pure love, and this is how I express my love to her.

All you need to know is she was very independent, beautiful, intelligent and generous.

Here we go - these are for my lady.

9

- Kill, Bang, Marry GHOSTBUSTERS EDITION

By Louise Stone The rules are simple. You are given three people and have to decide which one you would kill, bang and marry.

Explain your choices.

Today’s choices, the original Ghostbusters: Egon Spengler, Ray Stantz & Peter Venkman.

Remember – this is the characters, not the actors who play them.

Kill:

Bang:

Marry:

Ray StanTz

Peter Venkman

Egon Spengler

‘Not poor Ray’ I hear you say. Sorry folks but one of them has got to go – dem the rules. So why Ray? Well, the more I thought about it, the more the reasons started to pile up.

While not the most aesthetically pleasing man in movie history (nor the least), Peter Venkman still gets my bang in this scenario.

This choice was easy.

Some of you may be thinking that this is an odd choice for man I will have to spend the rest of my life with. But Egon has always been my favourite Ghostbuster.

The man has the gift of the gab – I imagine that his silver tongue could talk any woman out of her panties – me being no exception. Also, despite his lack of good looks and wealth, the lovely looking Dana Barrett put up with him for an extended period of time. I can only assume that he puts that silver tongue to good use somewhere else.

And when he’s not a Ghostbuster, the man is a scientist – with a nice, steady income.

Good to know that after he destroys half the town in the process of taking down a particularly bad spook, and gets sued, we will still be able to put food on the table.

Firstly, let’s be honest, Ray is a push-over.

Supposedly, a woman loves a lap-dog for a man – these are lies. Scandalous lies. A decisive man with a strong backbone is needed when deciding things like where to eat, what movie to see, and (for normal women) what to wear. And we won’t even talk about the bones needed in the bedroom, let’s just say that I suspect Ray may lack them.

Secondly, Ray strikes me as the kind of guy who would want kids. A whole lot of kids, enough kids to start our own Big Brother reality show kind of thing. I’m talking I just popped one out and he’s already giving me the seduction look and making plans for the next. And sure, that’s great, for some people. Just not me.

Plus, imagine what would happen if the midgets got their hands on his Proton pack? They better not cross the goddamn streams is all I can say.

His sense of humour and his quick wit would also be quite amusing in the bedroom – things don’t always have to be so serious.

His cleaning skills are actually below mine – in fact, we have the same smell-test laundry system. If we go back to my place, I don’t have to bother tidying things up. Just get straight to the banging.

And the best reason to bang Peter Venkman, one of us can say: “I came, I saw, I tapped dat ass”. That line alone is worth banging Peter Venkman.

The man uses Twinkies for scientific analogies. I bet he can explain my research methodology papers to me using Burger Fuel. What’s not to love about junk food being used to describe psychokinetic energy? Nothing, that’s what.

Surprisingly, the man can be almost as big a douche as me – almost. The laboratory scenes from the second movie? Classic.

I could never decide which was crueller – making the couple wait two and a half hours for marriage counselling or deciding to take the puppy away from the little girl.

And last, but not least, he made a toaster dance. What woman wouldn’t marry a man who made a toaster dance?

Next on the list, the man can’t tell the difference between a vehicular lemon and a not vehicular lemon. I’m not saying I’m a great judge of automobile capability – but I’d like to think that even I would have hesitated before purchasing Ecto-1.

And the most important reason? Simple: Ray, when someone asks you if you’re god, you say yes!

11

NIFTY NEWS Police backing device locaters

By Campbell Thwaites

robberies to thefts from vehicles.”

The police have warned the public to take care when using internet-based device locating applications to hunt for stolen equipment.

In one case, a phone was tracked from Central City to an address in South Auckland and the phone was recovered within half an hour of the offence, she says.

Auckland city police spokeswoman Noreen Hegarty says locaters are a valuable tool but the public need to be cautious.

But Unitec student Ben Northcott did not have such a positive experience with the locaters.

“While it might be safe to track from a distance, police will always advise keeping a safe distance from those intent on offending and to call police with information that can be acted on.”

Ms Hegarty says locaters have been helpful for police while tracking offenders.

“The applications have been extremely useful in catching offenders from aggravated street

A stranger, and then police, came to his flat asking about a laptop that a locater said was on the property.

However, none of the residents of the flat knew anything about it, he says.

“We were worried when the stranger came to our door asking about his laptop. We thought he was scoping our place out or something.”

with his locater, spending an hour searching the area his locater indicated his phone was without success.

“I think the worst part was it didn’t seem all that specific for such a small item,” he says.

Ms Hegarty says there have been cases where the device points to a property and after enquiry it is clear that the GPS was not accurate.

Co-founder of Smudge apps, Reuben Bijl, says the accuracy of applications will vary from highly accurate, if connected to GPS, to less accurate, while using cell towers, he says.

Although locaters do not work while a phone is powered off, as soon as the phone is turned on again it can be tracked, rendering the phone useless for thieves, he says.

AUT student Caleb Mortimer also had difficulty

Camping on campus a small step into the outdoors

Campathon organising committee with their 20-man teepee (clockwise from left) Natalie McNulty, Emz Cardell, Caitlyn Foran, Jennifer Brown, Andrew Boere and Olive Butcher.

By Kp Lew AUT University's Akoranga campus held a free Campathon event between April 2 and April 5 to encourage students to be more involved in outdoor activities.

There were interesting lectures at night from outdoor gurus, including one on how to survive off the land with nothing but pepper and salt, and another on traveling through different altitudes safely.

"We want to get people to step out of their norm, get in touch with nature and get outside a bit more," says co-ordinator Natalie McNulty.

Slacklining and the night lectures were the favourite activities provided for students, says Miss McNulty.

Students were encouraged to pitch their tents on a field or sleep in a 20-man teepee set up. Seventy-five students registered to join the alcohol-free event.

The event was organised by AUT University's Developing Outdoor Recreation Leaders (Dorly) club in the space of three weeks.

Students took part in activities such as a water slide, slacklining, knot tying competitions and jam sessions.

The organisers had to bring it forward by six weeks to avoid clashing with the outdoor students' programme.

Due to the time constraints, a few events - such as abseiling and rockclimbing - fell through but provided valuable experience for the organisers.

"It's made us have to think out of the box a little bit more," says Miss McNulty.

Dorly member Emz Cardell says she hopes participants realise enjoying the outdoors is not expensive, and they don't need to be hardcore outdoors enthusiasts to have fun.

The Dorly club has a $20 membership fee per semester and organises a variety of outdoor trips and themed parties year-round.

13

Lovenotes and Hatemail

Want to whisper a sweet nothing in our ear? Or would you rather scream hateful somethings at us? Either way, email us at mcattin@aut.ac.nz., or drop your letter off to the AuSM office. We look forward to hearing your judgement of us!

Hii there, I was so surprised to see the amount of almost-spam mails that you receive and actually printed in the last week's issue.

So I thought why not send a genuine one, thanking you guys for all your efforts to make our Mondays enjoyable. Wish the magazine would grow to have a lot more pages to last till Fridays. Because I finish reading mine within a day itself.

I just wanted to add an another tall girl's (at exactly 5 ft 11 inches as that writer) viewpoint to the article 'Confessions of a Lofty Lass'. Believe me, I could totally relate to her as the fate is same or maybe worse for us across the world. I am always asked to sit down during a pic with everyone! And the most common nickname that we get is 'lambu', as if we don't know that already.

So add that as an international nickname gift to you from your fellow Skyscraper. Let’s face them all with our heads high (as tall as we are, not doing that will be the actual effort here).

Keep up the good work everyone. Love the magazine!

Your sincerely, Hanadi Dear Hanadi, I'm feeling like I will most definitely be rocking the 'Lambu' nickname from here on. I, personally, think it transforms our height from gawky to exotic in just two syllables. And I totally forgot the whole 'can you please sit down' during photos thing. Sometimes all you want to do is shine! It's unfair, but like you said, we need to keep our heads high and ignore the haters which, let's be honest, is pretty easy because most of the time they're below our natural sight-line.

With much lanky love, Laurien (Lambu) Dear Matthew, I've never written a love note before, that sounds weird to say but I haven't so I wasn't sure how to start this.

Debate is honestly my favourite magazine to read, I can't help but get so excited when I see a new issue is out. I love the word finds (They occupy me on those awful 8 o’clock starts) and each article I can somehow relate too.

I have to admit I have loved all you're articles and editorials, no matter what they always seem to make me laugh out loud which I admit can make me look weird but they are just so damn funny. I did miss another article from you other than the editorial in the 80's issue but I did love the editorial anyway. It must be hard work coming up with articles to write each week?

I think my favourite article in this issue was Amelia’s 'Second hand songs'. It made me YouTube all the songs she mentioned and I have to admit, it changed my world. The only cover I knew was Latch by Kodaline (I agree they are so beautiful, and perfect, and I can’t even). Each cover was so beautiful, and soft and ah so great. I have to admit I was a little unsure about the Bootylicious cover but like she said I witnessed perfection. Some bits made me giggle, especially when he sang the word bootylicious but it was so strange to hear that song sung like that, so soft and beautiful it blew my mind. She opened my eyes to better and greater things.

I have to admit I could go on forever about articles I have loved, like the 'Two lists' one from a couple of issues ago by Laurien which was amazing and funny and I wanted to read more about her adventures and you're article 'Half cup of love' made me laugh in horror for you and in amusement but It would be a long love note and aren’t love notes supposed to be short and sweet? I’m not sure if I achieved that.

I just wanted to say I love all the writers a lot and I would mention each one but it would take me awhile. Each article makes my day a little bit better. I'm totally a fan and I just wanted you to know that :).

Love, S. Hi S., I am so happy that I have kindred spirits out there who appreciate Tom Rosenthal's spin on Bootylicious, you have warmed my soul. :) Also it's so lovely to hear that people appreciate my music taste because I'm never really sure, you know? Sharing parts of your iTunes Library with other people is daunting but now maybe I'll do it a bit more often! If you want something else a bit different, search up 'You're The One That I Want' covered by Angus and Julia Stoneit's heartbreakingly, soul-crushingly pretty. Also Adam Levine sings a super interesting version of 'Pure Imagination' from the original Charlie and The Chocolate Factory film. It's the most seductive children's song I've ever encountered and I'll be permanently confused because of it.

Happy searching!

-Amelia Hello S. For somebody with no experience writing love notes, you’re sure good at it. Thank you for your kind compliments and for giving everybody here at debate some sweet, sweet feels.

May I add to Amelia’s cover suggestions…

The Civil Wars - Billie Jean (Michael Jackson)

Iron & Wine’s - Such Great Heights (The Postal Service) She & Him – You Really Got a Hold on Me (Smokey Robinson and the Miracles) First Aid Kit - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (Fleet Foxes) Oh, and John Legend singing Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark.

You’re welcome.

On behalf of everybody at debate, You’re awesome.

Matthew Dear MR Cattin, I'm sorry about my letter last year hoping you wouldn't return as editor, it was said in anger. Yours are not the only feelings that were hurt.

Perhaps it is time to stop simply reacting to what I perceive to be the poor writing in debate. How exactly do I go about submitting? Do I pitch a piece, or just send in something ready made for your critique?

You are totally right about the anonymity.

When I first wrote to you I assumed my name would be printed and it isn't fair to continue to not be held accountable for ones actions. If it makes you feel any better, there are many pieces of yours that I have not dissed, either to your face or otherwise.

At least you know someone is reading. regards, Brooke Hall p.s. my email is trg9466@aut.ac.nz if any of Matt's fans, or other Haters care to hit me up. I'm usually free fri afternoons.

Dear Brooke, This is the best day! Thank you for replying.

I haven't yet grown an editor's thick skin eh...

While some thrive on confrontation, I shy away from it and curl up into a ball under my blankets.

I would love for you to contribute! It's frustrating that the authors of complaint letters are often the most eloquent and intelligent writers. I want to recruit but I imagine, since they don't seem to enjoy the mag, that they won't be interested.

I'm chuffed!

Matthew

Palm Oil WHAT'S THE FUSS?

by Emma Wingrove Palm oil is a vegetable oil from the mesocarp of the fruits from Elaesis guineesis (African palm) and Elaesis oleifera (American palm), predominately grown in Indonesia. It has been used by humans for thousands of years but has only recently become a hugely controversial topic.

Archaeologists have found evidence of palm oil use up to 5000 years ago, with its applications becoming prominent in the 1800′s. Historical uses for palm oil include cooking, industrial lubricant, and soaps. So if it has been used for so long, why is it suddenly such a hot topic now?

Well to start with there’s the, quite probably false, health benefit claims. One of the first and most well-known uses for palm oil is its use in the kitchen as a butter alternative, processed foods ingredient, and general cooking ingredient. Palm oil is promoted as being a healthy alternative to other cooking oils due to its high beta-carotene content (a source of vitamin A) and is currently considered a reasonable substitute for trans-fat, despite being 41 per cent saturated fat. The legitimacy of this claim however is still heavily debated, as is its link to cardiovascular disease and its effects on cholesterol. What is known though is that a high fat diet (although palm oil is in oil form, its high concentration of saturated fats does make it a fat) can affect metabolic inflammation which in turn leads to cardiovascular disease. I’m no doctor but my advice would be to make sure you check out all the facts before you make any changes to your diet, don’t fall victim to incorrect marketing claims.

Speaking of marketing, the current labelling laws

allow palm oil to be specified only as vegetable oil, or under one of 200 other names, so even those of us who have made the decision not to purchase palm oil products are likely still falling into the trap. Unmask Palm Oil is an Australasian campaign fighting to make proper labelling of palm oil mandatory on all products. Visit their website for more information or to find out what you can do to help.

Of course food products aren’t the only labels we need to be keeping an eye on. Other current uses include soaps, bio-diesel, and although the effects are unproven, wound care. It can be said that there are some positive implications of the palm oil industry and I think it would be biased of me not to mention them so here we go. A positive social impact of palm oil production is the increased employment opportunities created by production plants, but on the flip side, negative impacts include the illegitimate set-up of some plants which causes unrest among neighbours who oppose the plant or are negatively affected by it, as well as child labour and use of illegal immigrant as workers. So maybe not such a positive factor after all?

So health and economy factors aside, here’s the real issue; the native inhabitants of the palm forests and what this (21) billion dollar industry is costing them. Gohong and Sei Dusun villages have recently received publicity in which representatives of the communities have spoken out about their people’s desperation and the poor conditions they are forced to live in. One man described how they do not even have enough water, and are unable to fish due to pollution caused by the local palm oil companies.

The largest environmental impact is the large deforestation of parts of Indonesia. 498,000 ha per hour from 2000-2010 (90 per cent of Orang-utan habitat) has been cleared to make way for monoculture palm oil plants. This deforestation has dramatically increased the threat to critically endangered species such as the Orang-utan (1000-5000 killed per year), the Sumatran tiger (only 400 left), and also the sun bear which has become more exposed to smugglers.

Increased greenhouse gas emissions have also been observed, although pro-palm oil production groups have produced studies that suggest that the plantations act as carbon sinks (convert CO2 into O2).

In response to these concerns, the Roundtable on Sustainable Palm Oil (RSPO) was created in 2004. Their vision is to make sustainable palm oil the norm through international standards for production. Palm oil growers who meet the RSPO standards from producing Certified Sustainable Palm Oil (CSPO) carry the RSPO trademark.

However CSPO is more costly than non-certified palm oil, driving buying away from CSPO. Currently, just 14 per cent of palm oil on the market is considered CSPO (i.e. the forest has not recently been cleared and biodiversity has not been affected) however, this does not change the fact that whenever a human takes a natural resource they are taking away from the creatures within that ecosystem who depend on that resource for their survival. The higher the demand, the higher the competition.

Please do your research before purchasing and don’t be fooled by money-making companies.

15

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2014 Battle of the Bands!

Show us your talent! Get your band ready and register now!

The winning team will spend a day recording in the Red Bull Studios and even get a slot to play an AuSM Event in 2015!! Sign up now!

For more info: http://ausm.org.nz/whats-on/ausm-battle-of-the-bands-2014 Plan your break ahead Get your mates together and take a road trip to National Park during the mid-semester break. You can hire the AuSM lodge from $140 and it sleeps 12 – that’s less than $12 per person! Find out more or book now at www.ausm.org.nz 2014 AuSM Pool Competition It’s back! Get yourself an early bird registration with Kyle Richmond now!

Email Kyle at kyle.richmond@aut.ac.nz and let him know which heat you would like to take part in!

We have three heats in May before the final! Visit our AuSM Facebook Event page for more info. https://www.facebook.com/ausm1/events Creative cat?

If you fancy yourself as an artist or designer, send our graphic designer Ramina an email at rrai@aut.ac.nz and you could be featured in an upcoming debate mag!

Top-up your phone with AuSM and get discount!

AuSM offices sell Vodafone, Telecom and 2degrees top-ups! Save yourself $0.50 when you top up $20 from us!

Clubs AuSM clubs are getting into full swing and have heaps going on. Get more involved on campus and join a club! Find out more at www.ausm.org.nz.

Here to help The AuSM Advocacy service can help you with any troubles that you encounter during your time at AUT. Visit our Advocacy page on www.ausm.org.nz

UPDATES www.ausm.org.nz

Can you believe it is week six!? It seems as though the first semester is running away at a sprint.

This week, as some of you may be aware, there was an issue with a disability carpark and a rather unfortunate note that was left on a student’s car. The short of it is, a person made a judgment that proved to be wrong, and now is probably feeling pretty silly. The situation clearly was a sensitive one, with thousands of likes, comments and shares.

I had the opportunity to meet with the affected student, who has asked to remain anonymous, to hear their concerns and also to see how we can ensure that nothing like that happens again. I am happy to say they feel satisfied with the outcome, the person who wrote the note has sincerely apologised and the issue has been resolved.

PREZ SEZ

president of ausm, john kingi

There is an old adage that seems apt which reads we should never judge a book by its cover alone. We are here at university to learn, to be critical and to analyse, to have fun and experience. We all come from different spaces, places and backgrounds and no one can ever be judged solely on a glance or a fleeting moment.

However there is a way that you go about things that doesn’t cause unnecessary harm or offense, and in this instance that did not happen.

It is clear that there is a lot of learning that still can take place around the unique experiences of people with disabilities, physical or otherwise. Did you know that a person who has had a stroke or heart attack, can be eligible for a disability pass? I didn’t.

Take the chance to have a look and find out more. Information and understanding is a path to enlightenment…at least that’s what I’m told.

On a different note, I want to thank all those students who contacted me about the Prez Date Night. I had some hilarious emails come in and I enjoyed the humour you all provided!

Over the coming weeks I will posting updates on a new initiative called President’s biggest loser!

Keep your eyes out for details.

That’s enough from me this week; I hope you are all well.

Your Prez,

I have no doubt that the person who wrote the note did so with good intentions. They wanted to ensure that people who use disabled car parks are entitled to use them.

John 17

SIDEKICKS

BARNEYRUBBLE BENDER CHEWBACCA DONKEY DORY

DRWATSON GARFUNKEL GARTHALGAR GROMIT HITGIRL

INIGOMONTOYA LUDO MINIME PATRICKSTAR PIGLET

ROBIN RONWEASLEY SAMWISE SHORTROUND TINKERBELL

Circle all the words in the Sidekick Wordfind, tear this page out & pop it into the box on the side of the red debate stands, and you could win a Free Student Combo voucher for Al's Deli, Auckland CBD! Tooooo easy! Winner will be notified by email.

Name:

Email:

DID YOU KNOW? No two corn flakes look the same.

WORD JUMBLER PIGLET

How many words of three letters or more can you find without cheating? Probably not that many‌

8-12 Go back to school 13-20 Average Joe 21+ Y ou did good kid.

The names of all continents both start and end with the same letter.

Honey is the only natural food which never goes off.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a reference to Superman.

Camel's milk doesn't curdle.

Sex is inherited. If your parents didn’t have it, nor will you.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open.

French fries are originally from Belgium.

The movie Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make with $5 million going towards actor's salaries.

A group of owls is called a parliament.

19

Conversations with Children:

A guide for the maternally challenged

By Laurien Barks

Hi there. If you’re reading this article because you were drawn to the title, and are genuinely seeking advice on how to relate to the strangely mysterious creatures that we call ‘children,’ then all I can say is welcome, my fellow oestrogenlacking friends, welcome.

There are other people out there just like you, and we understand the daily struggles that pepper your childless life. Trust me, contrary to your beliefs, you’re not the only woman who has: - Made a laughing child cry because you simply glanced at it.

- Challenged a child to a race, and then ran your fastest, leaving that chump in the dust.

- Held a baby as far away from your body as possible, because you didn’t know what else to do with it.

- Tapped a child on the nose and firmly said ‘No!’ after they did something naughty.

- Played peek-a-boo far too aggressively.

- Tried to pick up a child by the scruff of its neck because that’s what mummy cats do.

Oh yes, we’ve all been there, girlfriend - we can’t help it! We were absent the day that ovaries were handed out, and somehow managed to double up on awkwardness and/or cynicism instead. That’s not to say that none of us ever want children. Some of us definitely do! But we all know that we’re still years of baby-observing, dozens of parenting books, and one extra loving hunk o’ husband away from meeting the minimum maternal requirements of motherhood.

We’ve got a long road ahead of us before we’re fit to be mothers. A road filled with horror, disgust, and a general lack of consideration for children’s feelings... But we’ll get there eventually (maybe). That’s why, when I stumbled across a valuable, child-related goldmine of wisdom, I knew it would be my privilege... Nay, my obligation to share it with the remaining population of women who think that poking their finger into the side of a baby’s face is an acceptable form of interaction.

A few weeks ago, I mastered the art of talking to children during a 40 minute ride on our city’s fine public transport. But feel free to practice this craft in and around any setting.

Let them come to you.

In order to have a conversation with a child and also achieve as few awkward moments (or threats of pressing charges, depending on where you found the kid) as possible, you need to let the lil’ thing come to you. The first time I saw my sweet new friend, he was staring at me from between the seats of an Auckland ferry.

Obviously, my initial thought was ‘what the hell, stop staring at me!’ but the longer I prevented my tongue from uttering these words, the closer he got to me. And the closer he got to me, the stronger my chances became of having a successful conversation. Trust me, you’re more afraid of them, than they are of you - but don’t let that discourage you. The slow-approach is definitely a positive sign when it comes to conversing with a child, no matter how awkward it seems. I’m pretty sure they just do it to pick up on your scent or something... Maybe hold your hand out toward its face to help speed the process along? Once they have reached and settled in a location that is of an appropriate conversing distance, you can move onto step two.

Be excited about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. If a kid has gone through the draining effort of approaching you, they’re not going to let that exertion of energy go to waste. Trust me, they’re going to talk to you. And when they do offer you the bait, you have one chance to either bite, or let it slip away into the black hole that looks ridiculously similar to the doomed fate of your soon-to-be dried up uterus. So, for the love of all that is motherly, take whatever utterance they offer you, and act like it’s your favourite thing in the world. You don’t have to know what you’re talking about, you just have to say it with the enthusiasm of a Belieber at a ‘Selena is Single’ party. My new friend chose a Green Lantern themed opening line, and even though I wasn’t sure if Green Lantern was a superhero, villain, or vintage bedroom furnishing, I was sure that I had been on a Green Lantern themed roller coaster once - and thus my ‘hook’ was found.

‘Ooohs’ and ‘Ahhs’ over my theatrical description of an incredibly average roller coaster were all I needed to win his heart and move onto step three.

Learn their life story. And remember it!

*Disclaimer: these points are only applicable to children aged 3-5. Do not approach children outside of this age range or it won’t work.

Actually...don’t be approaching any children.

Fullstop.

Once I had spent a fairly decent amount of time discussing Ben Ten, spy cameras, and the colour purple, my new little bestie trusted me enough to open up about the stuff that counts.

He glued both of his eyes to mine, allowed them to be filled to the brim with unspoken meaningful sentiments, and then earnestly stated “Oh, and by the way, my name is M-a-t-h-e-w.”

I exclaimed how lovely it had been to meet Mathew, and the sound of his own name was all he needed to welcome me into his little world. He was four, he had a house in the city, and he had a baby brother named Josh who I am now obligated to hate because the little jerk has all of the toys in HIS room, even though most of them are Mathew’s! I mean, I know Josh can barely balance his head on his neck, but like….solidarity! See, by learning about a child’s personal life and referencing it, you’re letting them know that you care (or are at least giving the impression...don’t worry, they don’t know the difference), and therefore strengthening your bond. Bond = trust = successful D&Ms with children.

End the conversation on a high Even when you take children out of the picture, ending conversations with anyone is an awkward process. There’s always the threat of the old ‘they go for handshake, you go for hug’ debacle, the whole thing where you can’t think of a witty parting line so you just kind of stop talking and sit there until one of you has to leave, or the sickeningly doomful ‘say goodbye but then start walking in the same direction,’ horror. And those are all threats when it comes to two perfectly normal people ending a conversation, let alone a kid and a freakish weirdo. Unfortunately for you, I don’t have any solid advice on how to end a conversation with a child successfully. However, I am pleased to announce that if you have completed steps one through three successfully, the child should take over and complete step four for you. As Mathew’s grandmother lead him away by the hand, he turned to wave and say “have a good day, I can’t wait to see you next time!” My ovaries grew three sizes that day.

So that’s that. How to have a conversation with a child for the maternally impaired. It’s a bit of a trial and error process, I lucked out with Mathew, but don’t be surprised if the first kid doesn’t work out. It takes time, you know the old saying - you have to talk to a lot of frogs before you find a frog that you actually don’t mind talking to and might even like a little bit (or something like that).

So get out there, and get talking to strangers’ children! It’s not nearly as terrifying as it seems.

21

THE CIGAR MERCHANT A Short Story by Nick Jones She was a beautifully constructed 6 ½”, 50ring Belicoso with a delicately tapered head and she had begun her life on the rough, tobacco stained table of a young and talented tabaquero named Estaban Castellanos, a youth who according to the stories, had sat on his Papa’s lap as a babe, rolling Sancho Panza Bachilleres while his mother sang to him Los Elefantes in a husky tone.

They say Estaban had the Midas touch, a gift from God and His holy angels. Every cigar he ever put his hands to would transform into Pirate Gold.

The Cigar that traveled the globe was born to these humble conditions, she was; some said the incarnation of “Cemi de la Gran Tierra” visited upon the world of men.

“Oro Rojo” he named her. “Red Gold” after her colour and quality. Oro Rojo was indeed one of a kind; no other Cigar could rival her beauty, and it seemed as if the source – the Midas of Estaban’s talent - had been collected up and ejaculated into this one perfect lady, for he never rolled another smoke in his life.

He hung himself from the top of a coconut tree four years later, a broken man, his own creative genius turned against him.

Although Estaban’s life had reached its conclusion, the Oro Rojo Belicoso continued her journey onwards. She became a legend in her own right, sought after by royalty and politician, trading hands over and over with factory owners and men of both power and wealth. Too precious to be smoked, and compared to Aphrodite, she was beautiful to behold. All who touched her inhaled her perfumed aroma and agreed that she was as the Greek called it: “Hagiazo.”

She became a symbol, an idea – a romance between God and man, the Logos writ in Cuban leaf. She made men believe in Christo, and ruined them when she was found in the hands of another lover.

The Cigar Merchant was nothing like Belicoso.

Although both came from meager beginnings, born into squalor and dust, the Cigar Merchant chased his meaning, while Belicoso emitted hers.

The Cigar Merchant first heard the story of Oro Rojo Belicoso on his initial visit to the Caribbean islands as a young man, only beginning to awaken

his passion for the blue smoke at twenty-four. He happened to be visiting the factory that Estaban Castellanos was rumored to have worked at with a small tour group.

He was told the tragic tale of the talented tabaquero by his smoky-skinned tour guide and clung with incandescent virility to the ecstasydipped words of Belicoso as she dripped erotically from the Islander’s full lips.

She became his life’s work. His obsession. His passion. Oro Rojo had made love to many men by this point, but few hearts had been so profoundly love drunk with her aura as the Cigar Merchant’s was.

The Cigar Merchant would never acquire Belicoso, and he would only encounter her three times in his life. She would come to him like a siren alluring him off with promises of the exotic east, but the Cigar Merchant was tragically destined to never recognize her when she came.

Nobody can ever say why it happened this way.

Why it was that, when the desire of his heart ever stood before him, he would become blinded to her beauty, but this is what happened.

DEBATES 1936 The first of these encounters with Belicoso occurred when the Merchant was thirty-threeyears-old and attending a party in Paris for rich businessmen. She came to him then as a beautiful young woman brimming with splendor and romance.

There was a party near the Louvre, filled with the types of people one imagines when they think of the beautiful and majestic Paris that existed before the war. It was during a time where the rich carried themselves with a certain dignity that only old money could afford; they lived lives of decadence and desire.

The Cigar Merchant came to be at this particular party through a mutual friend of the host’s, being recommended as a purveyor of premium handrolls that were at the time becoming harder and harder to come across.

He had bought with him two boxes of his finest Nicaraguan sticks for the gentlemen and several of the braver ladies to sample after dinner.

As He laughed away with these rich men, watching them chew away on their double coronas he had so kindly donated so to climb one rung higher on the Parisian social ladder, he watched the beauties that flowed back and forth across the dance floor.

All the ladies wore stunning sapphire colored evening dresses, with beautifully ornate jewelry.

Great big rocks of diamond and emeralds that curled around their delicate necks, interwoven between links of soft white gold. The Cigar Merchant watched as the stones dazzled in the moonlight like sprinkled ice, mined from the furthest reaches of the known world.

The men around the Merchant laughed and joked about politics. They spoke of the reformation of Germany, and of the excellence of Hitler. They discussed art, and made business arrangements.

The Cigar Merchant found his mind wandering, and he thought he could smell the hot thick heat of the Caribbean from all those years earlier on his travels, and it was at this moment that he spied her from across the room.

She was young. Black as the darkest night. With stunning green eyes that reminded the Merchant of the glowing pin-pricks that belonged to the tom cats that prowled the rooftops of Paris after dusk.

Petite, and no older than twenty-five.

She glided across the floor with a finesse unlike any other. She had adorned herself with a glamorous red silk gown and her hair was tied back in a grand display of dark curls and licks.

As she approached, the Cigar Merchant realized that she wore no jewelry whatsoever; her flawless, chocolate complexion was her decoration, somehow glimmering more vibrantly in the moonlight than any of the porcelain skinned ladies that populated the ballroom.

He found himself staring, and she spotted him from across the room. She looked down, blushing, glanced up again, bit her lower lip playfully before floating left and away from the Merchant towards the huge open windows that overlooked the city lights.

“Who is that?” Asked the Merchant of his hosts.

“Why, that is Bea Faure.” One of the men replied, “A delicate beauty. A rare, exotic flower. Her family runs a publishing house in Paris and owns two vineyards out near Saône valley in Beajolias.”

The Cigar Merchant excused himself and approached the girl, standing next to her and enjoying the view of the city below.

Bea spoke to him first, proclaiming the night as beautiful. The Merchant remembered thinking later that her voice had rolled like the ocean, great voluptuous waves of melody off of her tongue.

She spoke to him in a thick French accent, but there was also an air of something else mixed in there, like a child who has travelled far from their homeland at an early age to grow up in a more “cultured” society.

The musicians played in the background, but the Cigar Merchant heard only her. He found himself reminded of Oro Rojo Belicoso. The smell of aged tobacco seemed to cling to her soft skin.

“Yes, it is a beautiful night.” He had replied and felt silly immediately after doing so. Bea laughed and asked him if he had anything else to say.

Taken aback he asked her what she meant.

“Did you come over here to have a conversation with me, sir?”

“Yes, I mean, yes I came to converse.” The Merchant laughed. He apologized and told her his name. “And you are?”

“My name is Bea Faure,” she smiled cheekily, “but you already knew that didn’t you?”

Never had the Cigar Merchant felt so intimidated by a woman, and he found himself blushing in spite of it all. Again, he tried to apologize to her, but she stopped him with a slight touch of her hand to his shoulder.

He glanced at her arm and the softness of her skin. Noting tiny veins traveling beneath, like that of a wrapper leaf.

“It’s okay,” she told him, “I was just having some fun with you.”

“Bea…” The Merchant responded, “You may very well be the most interesting and beautiful woman that I have ever met.”

and wavy brown hair that fell like an awkward mop across his forehead. His skin was soft and tanned although not entirely foreign. He met the Cigar Merchant at an art show one evening while displaying his work.

He saw the Cigar Merchant from across the gallery, drinking a fine Bordeaux and admiring a picture. The Cigar Merchant had aged since Paris, both in mind and body, but where wrinkles had deepened, so had character, and Diego Vargas was immediately drawn to the older man.

He introduced himself shyly and offered to show the Merchant his work. Before long they were sharing drinks and laughing, and as the conversation warmed they advanced from talking French surrealism and onto playful flirts and suggestive taunts.

Once again, the Cigar merchant found himself smelling the warmness of the Cuban sun, hearing the waves of the Caribbean crashing against rocks and sand. The brush of his skin against the young man's felt like Colorado claro and his scent was of Habana, dried fruits and hints of resin.

They made love that night atop the bunched up cloth, strewn across the artist's studio floor to catch the splatters of paint, daring to defy society, religion and God. But with the rising of the sun and the movement of the city streets he continued on his way.

1952 This was the year that Belicoso came to the Merchant in the form of his estranged twentysomething daughter.

And the Cigar Merchant told himself that he was not running from her, but towards the meaning of his life.

1972 Many years later the Merchant lay on his deathbed in an apartment alone within the heart of Rome. Everyone had left him. He had no family, no friends to speak of, and any lovers once had, were long gone. His hair had fallen out and he was no longer young and handsome.

She blushed.

“Dance with me!”

Before he knew what was happening, Bea had her hands in his and she was pulling him towards the dance floor.

They laughed and enjoyed one another’s company through the night but the Cigar Merchant knew that he could not stay in Paris forever. His quest for Belicoso was not yet over.

So when the night was over and they shared their passion beneath the sheets and in each other’s arms, the Cigar Merchant sadly, moved on.

1947 It was after the war in a decrepit New York City that the Cigar Merchant crossed paths with Belicoso for a second time.

He spent his days coughing up speckles of crimson red into little white handkerchiefs and dreaming of the Caribbean – the hustle and bustle of Cigar factories as they churned out stogie after stogie, the artisans of blue smoke.

It was in this state that Belicoso came to him one final time. She stood by his bed as the Virgin Mary or the Angel of Death, and she smiled upon his frail body with a fondness.

“All is well,” she comforted the Merchant, “All shall be well.”

Then the Cigar Merchant found he could finally let go and fall into the hands of a quiet peace.

He thought he could smell her there and that perhaps, for the first time in his life, rest would be acceptable and maybe the virgin was right.

All would be well.

She introduced herself to him when he was fortytwo as "Diego Vargas," a pointy chinned youth of twenty-three who spent his days painting in a down town studio apartment that he could barely afford.

Diego Vargas had piercing green eyes like Bea, 23

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A Night of Nymph()mania

by Alex Casey As someone who frequently gets uncomfortable and awkward in almost any situation, I naturally tend to wriggle around and giggle at awkward things in movies. Now, I go to the movies quite a lot so I feel I have nailed most of the controllable variables of cinematic disturbance: open your noisy wrappers before hand, suck on the ice-cream cone till it is a swallowable mush to avoid crunching, do not eat popping candy in Schindler’s List - but I still have no control over my own kneejerk reaction to things on screen. It’s something about the tensely silent darkened room that allows me to really excel in often ruining “the vibe”. I will laugh uncomfortably at anything and everything on screen: people dying, people crying, people sexing. So naturally, I thought this week I would test my limits and share an evening with Danish director Lars Von Trier’s four-hour controversial sex epic Nymphomaniac.

My first encounter with cinema’s “l’enfant terrible” Lars Von Trier was completely accidental. I found myself overstaying my welcome at my brother’s house after my flight home was cancelled, and was raking through his hard-drive looking for something to watch (seems like a dodgy move already, I know). I stumbled across a file called Anti-Christ which, to me, sounded exactly like the kind of inoffensive B-grade straightto-DVD horror that I felt like. Within a few minutes of the opening scene (featuring graphic nature sex and extreme wiener close-ups) I was recreating that bit in the Blair Witch Project where she says, “I’m afraid to close my eyes, and I’m afraid to open them”.

You know when you were younger and a sex scene comes on TV when your parents are in the room so you pretend to be asleep? Well I’m 22 and I apparently still do that. It’s not the sex or the nudity itself, but the stress of having to frantically sculpt

a suitable reaction without making things more uncomfortable. I couldn’t handle this particular “Antichrist with my brother” situation so I drifted off to ‘sleep’. No demands can be made on those who are inexplicably and suddenly asleep. So I saw only slivers of Antichrist through my fake instances of waking up and yawning to see if there was still a peen on the screen or not. I have since watched the whole movie successfully, but alone. Learn from my mistakes, Von Trier is 100 per cent a “no family members” zone. His latest film Nymphomaniac, based on everything I had read, was going to provide me with some comatose level sleep-acting. Here is my holistic review of the experience.

We arrived at the cinema late, which instantly eliminates the requisite three-four minutes to open all the noisy bags of chocolate sweeties before the feature begins. I avoided buying anything from the candy bar because I was overwhelmingly nervous (for the record, I would have ordered a joke combo of “two large hot nuts and a frozen cock” had I been more relaxed). Nymphomaniac Part One gets down and dirty pretty fast. It was sort of like ripping off a plaster; you don’t get time to shuffle your feet or look away - it all just stares you right in the face.

After two or three scenes you are staring right back at it unflinchingly. Never mind being confronted by the explicit sex and nudity, Shia LaBeouf’s absurd Australian/Irish accent far surpasses in terms of absurdity and discomfort. Not to mention there was a local moth in the cinema that would not stop cruising past the projector. Every giant penis onscreen was usurped in spectacle by this enormous kamikaze moth shadow.

As the lights came up for the intermission, I got a good look at the crowd. The two picnic-maniacs sitting next to us had brought with them approximately five plastic bags of snacks and a giant thermos

that sounded like it was full of chi’i. There was an older couple in front of us, who overheard me telling my boyfriend that there was over an extra hour of footage in the original cut. The older lady, obviously a real horndog, leant back and said, “I’d like to see what got cut out then” and may have also winked. I didn’t see because I was pretending to be asleep.

There was a cool guy sitting on his own next to us who may well have been Lars Von Trier himself. For some reason I imagine he manages to go to every screening in every city in every country each night. A bit like Santa Claus.

I’m going to be honest, Part Two was a little harder to watch as it gets a little more involved in the protagonist Joe’s “dangerous” expeditions into her sex addiction. Without spoiling anything for anyone, you probably won’t be able to look at the boy who played Billy Elliot the same way after Part Two. Aside from some of the more violent confrontations, the sex scenes remained very skilfully directed to be explicit yet incredibly disconnected. Far from arousal or shock, Von Trier manages to elicit a much more difficult response from the audience - which is for them to feel nothing at all. Just like it is for Joe, the sex stuff becomes boring, repetitive and empty. I was thinking about this a lot until the person next to me began rustling through a plastic bag to produce an apple.

So I left Nymphomaniac with both my anxieties quashed. Don’t worry about the much-revered controversial content: you are in the safe hands of a highly skilled director who has put together an outstanding piece of work. And never worry again about making too much noise when you eat snacks: nothing will compare to the deafening combo of a plastic bag and a crunchy apple.

25

or

How not to be a dick and ruin everyone else’s movie experience

By Ethan Sills Going to the movies has been one of the most popular past times within our society for the past one hundred years or so. Argue all you like about whether the quality of film has increased or decreased, the experience at least has improved; we now have bigger cinemas, bigger screens, more leg space and an amazing variety of candy delights that help make the experience (let’s just forget the bigger price tag…). However, the massive downside of leaving the warmth and privacy of your own homes is that there are endless ways that your trip to the movies can be ruined. Every time we enter a cinema, we face a wide range of potential irritations; from chair kickers to people who bring their small children to adult movies (why you’d bring your baby to The Avengers is beyond me…)

I could list an endless array of issues we could possibly face at the movies, but here are just five of the most common things I’ve noticed that people should all try and avoid when at the cinema: 1. Laugh with your mind, not with your mouth One reason why I dread seeing comedies in theatres is that there is always one person whose laugh is just a tad too loud for such a relatively enclosed space; their booming laughter sounds above the movie, and they unleash that joyful beast with every one liner, zinger and crafty pun that comes across the screen. I am in no way saying that everyone should sit there silently like robots; it’s alright to laugh, but I think we can all agree that frequent laughter with unnecessary force is just irritating and distracting. If you’re laughing so loudly and frequently that we can’t actually hear the movie, then you’ve probably got a problem.

2. Save your fan-gasms for later There are certain types of movies that attract certain types of people, such as superhero movies

or sequels with a dedicated fan following. These people seem to think that their mega-fanliness gives them the right to interrupt the movie with continued squeals of excitement and delight whenever something happens that appeals to their inner fangirl/boy. This happened to me when I saw Thor: The Dark World; despite it being a very empty session, I ended up trapped next to a pair of Loki fangirls who, for two hours, squealed every time he came on screen, moaning with desire at Tom Hiddleston’s face and nearly crying when Loki faked his death. It was very irritating, but I did not want to give up my prime middle-of-the-row seat to get away from them and was forced to deal with it.

Save your delight/hilarity/horror for the internet and let everyone else enjoy it without your thoughts.

Which leads me to…

3. No one wants to hear your running commentary There always seems to be someone who feels the need to comment on nearly every scene to whoever they are there with. There is the ‘I knew that was going to happen!’, the ‘what else has he/she been in?’, the ‘(gasp) but I thought…!!!!’. I will admit, at times I have been guilty of this, but I generally try not to if caught in a crowded cinema and surrounded by two dozen other people who will hear every word I exchange with my fellow moviegoer. Just wait for things fall into place first before you feel the need to discuss the movie with your neighbour and remember it’s not exactly a private conversation when you’re surrounded by other people.

4. Eat and drink quietly Popcorn and drinks are a key part of most people’s movie going experience (well, if you have some sort of discount, otherwise you could buy a small house with what some cinemas charge).

Indeed, there are few other opportunities where you can eat popcorn and ice cream at the same time, and it is only right that we savour this key part

of the cinema experience. However, noisy drink slurpers, overly vigorous popcorn chewers and rustly Malteser/Starbursts/M&M packet openers in the middle of quiet or tense scenes really spoil the mood. My advice is to time your eating/slurping/ opening with particularly noisy scenes and try your best to keep quiet throughout. Also, just because people tidy the cinemas afterwards doesn’t mean you should just leave all your rubbish behind!

5. TURN YOUR BLOODY PHONES OFF!!!!

My god, I can’t believe people still do this.

Are those of you who do this not aware how frustratingly annoying it is when you decide to check your texts or update your Facebook right in the middle of the movie? Your phone stands out like a lighthouse in the middle of a storm, and the rest of us can’t focus on the movie when you’re tweeting about your popcorn with the full brightness on. Then there are the people who forget to put it on silent and we get to hear your delightful ring tone instead of what the characters are saying… I could go on, but it is pretty simple people; if you really can’t survive without your phone for two hours then you might as well stay home and watch a film by some other means. But if you want to watch it on the big screen, then put your phones on silent, leave them in your pockets and watch the fucking movie!

This may seem like quite a rant-y piece that paints me as some grumpy old man, but I don’t think anyone has ever left the movies and gone “I’m so glad that person behind me talked for the entire movie!”. The moral of this article is simple people; you’re in public so you can’t treat the theatre like your own private viewing room. Do your best to avoid these things and you and everyone around you can have a great time; you’re there to watch the movie, so just watch, enjoy and discuss away with your friends/the internet/yourself once the credits start to roll.

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Cinema Etiquette

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ENTERTAININGLY

AWFUL FILMS by jamie barnes We’ve all seen great movies, movies so good that they change our life and we can watch over and over again but never get sick of. And we’ve all seen bad movies, movies so awful that no matter how much we paid for admission, the only way to recuperate our losses is to stop watching and do something useful with the remaining time.

Well what if I told you there is a space at the opposite end of that bell curve; a place where you find movies so awful, so cheesy, and so mind numbingly, bafflingly stupid that they come full circle and you are able to bask in the glory of everything the movie gets wrong. These are known as “entertainingly bad” movies, and here are some of the best… worst… whatever…

Batman and Robin People tend to exaggerate with the word “literally”; “this literally ruined my childhood” or “this literally killed my faith in humanity” well this, (without exaggeration) literally killed the 90s Batman franchise (I’m not kidding apparently if you listen to the DVD director’s commentary, it’s essentially just director Joel Schumacher apologising for 90 minutes). So the 1995 Batman kick-started the franchise by being dark and gritty but tragically, Batman and Robin is a regression to the camp and silly TV show of the 60s. But where the show was intentionally camp and self-aware, this movie for some reason still tries to take itself as seriously as the original but instead of investing in character development of the complex life of Batman/Bruce Wayne, we get a robin who speaks entirely in whining and instead of a terrifying villain, we get a blue Arnold Schwarzenegger who speaks entirely in ice puns.

The Marine So if American hero worship of the military in films tends to border on propaganda, this movie invades that border with a red white and blue Humvee driven by a bald eagle shooting an AR-15 singing the star spangled banner. John Cena plays what we are supposed to believe is a regular old enlisted marine. What we get is a mini hulk with Batman’s drive and Lara Croft’s ability to shrug off crippling injuries. After the mob (or something) kidnaps his fiancé and blows up the gas station he’s in he goes on a countrywide manhunt hot on their trail to get his sweetheart back, all in a day’s work for a proud soldier in this mans army.

Dungeons and Dragons Two human thieves, a human mage, a dwarf warrior and a dark elf ranger all go in search of the red staff that will allow them to control red dragons. Although the production value, sets, and costumes for this movie are great, the acting is like a good croissant; filled with plenty of ham and cheese. The range goes from Thora Birtch who could not be less interested if she tried, to British Shakespearian trained thespian Jeremy Irons, who I swear to god gets so invested in his performance that I am sure he visibly orgasms several times during filming.

The room This is the magnum opus of bad movies: the Dark Knight, the Citizen Kane, and the Titanic of movies that manage to get everything wrong. Tommy Wiseau plays… a person (I assume) and he’s in love with Lisa, only Lisa is cheating on him with his best friend Mark and that’s all I know for certain about this movie. It somehow manages to get everything wrong, and I mean EVERYTHING, the acting is wrong, the dialogue is wrong, the pacing is wrong, the story (where it exists) is wrong and all that collective wrongness clusters together to make a kind of rat king of wrong: disgusting and incomprehensible yet you cannot look away.

Road House Of all the entertainingly “bad” movies on the list, this one comes the closest to being “good” or at least “what you expect”. This is an action movie about a head bouncer who travels from city to city turning dive bars into respectable establishments by reforming the staff, ie, by beating the ever loving SHIT out of everyone.

Yes this movie resonates deep with my male power fantasies yet still manages to ride the fine line between being goofily over the top and one of the most kick- ass movies I have ever seen. Patrick Swayze plays a badass bouncer with a heart of gold and a degree in philosophy and he has to protect a bar he’s been employed at for all of one week from an Eeevil rich person with the whole town in his pocket and an army of denim wearing thugs at his disposal. A true, beer drinking, folk music singing, throat tearing, testicle kicking, underdog story for the ages.

If you’re curious about entertainingly bad movies, start with this one. If you’re able to click off and enjoy it then bad movies are for you - if you just can’t take it then perhaps you should try doing something productive with your time.

IN JULIE'S GOOD BOOKS

By Julie Cleaver There’s nothing quite like getting stuck in a good book. Whether you’re on a hot stinky bus or simply sitting on the toilet, with a captivating novel in your hands you can literally be anywhere or anyone. Novels with excellent character development and/or stunning literary qualities contain the power to touch individual’s souls.

When a novel is truly thought provoking and ingenious it can even possess revolutionary qualities. Great authors can expose a generation to a whole new way of thinking, potentially alter a generations zeitgeist and propel societal change (think Nineteen Eighty Four or Catcher in the Rye).

Reading exercises and strengthens our brains, helps us concentrate, increases our vocabulary and therefore enhances our capability to express ourselves more accurately. Ultimately it develops our ability to empathise with others and creates well rounded human beings. Studies show that couples who both frequently read are more likely to stay together, and that a common trait of highly successful people is that they all, yup you guessed it, read. There’s a myriad of reasons why reading is so good for us, yet in people’s busy lives it often drops to the bottom of the priority list, below Facebook and even below trolling through cat memes (guilty!). So as my social contribution to AUT students I decided to review my top five favourite novels in the hope of rekindling or perhaps even igniting the inner reading flame living in all of us. As a side note, these books are all regarded as excellent by people much smarter than me, so you don’t just need to take my word for it!

The Beach by Alex Garland Fast paced, concise and edgy, this book is one seriously epic motherfucker! Garland wrote the screen play for the film 28 Days Later and The Beach is no doubt equally as action packed and intense as that zombie apocalypse number, making it a gripping, never-a dull-moment kinda novel. For those of you who appreciate foul language dispersed among beautifully eloquent sentences, extremely to-the-point micro chapters

and a love/hate relationship with your narrator, The Beach is most definitely for you! Sorry for the cliché but it has to be said, the book is TOTALLY 100 times better than the movie! So even if you’ve seen Leo parade around Thailand without a shirt on, I still completely recommend this novel for a fantastic read!

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald An absolute classic, The Great Gatsby is a highly rewarding novel to those who relish in a more sophisticated style of literature. The pages are filled to the brim with fluffy and descriptive five-line-long kinda sentences, which are often breathtakingly beautiful if you re-read them enough to understand them. Though some people complain that the story is too simple and needs more dragons, if you look beyond the narrative and read about Fitzgerald’s deep messages hidden within the tale you’ll find it actually harbours a rather fascinating sub context which comments not only on the era it was made in, but also timeless themes, making this 20s piece still largely relevant today.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov Oh Lolita, what a polarising novel! Yes the story is centred around a 36-year-old and his love affair with his 12-year-old step daughter, but it’s so much more than that! Hear me out before you disregard it completely! The charm to this novel resides not within the story so much but rather in the way it is told. The 36-year-old is the narrator and his style of prose is so alluring, so enamouring, that he indeed manages to seduce the reader into empathising with him. Though he is clearly a predator whom should be regarded as a villain, his excellent writing forces the reader to enter into the deep confides of his mind, making it nearly impossible not to feel for the poor old paedophile. Lolita is also riddled with symbols and motifs giving it some hefty literary substance. If you’re interested in extremely talented writing and unusual themes I recommend this novel to you; prepare to be seduced by a madman!

White Teeth by Zadie Smith This novel has won countless awards and for good reason; it will most definitely take you on a journey that you will not see coming! In White Teeth there is no main protagonist, instead the story rotates around a handful of interconnected characters, allowing the narrative to evolve through various lenses. Tackling issues regarding immigration, love, tradition, and intellect this book is extraordinarily nuanced and insightful. It’s a novel that I genuinely wish I could unread so that I could pick it up again for the first time!

Women by Charles Bukowski If you’re not into sex then don’t even try starting this book; cool so that eliminates no one reading this article? No but seriously, Women is pretty heavy on the sexual content so if Disney and Harry P is your usual forte, I’d stay away from this risqué piece of foreplay. The story follows Henry Chinaski’s life, a boozed up semi-famous writer who seeks fulfilment by fucking every women that crosses his path. But is the animalistic, purely physical aspect of sex enough for any human soul to be happy? What really makes this novel a cult classic is Bukowski’s absolutely brilliant style of writing; direct, easy to read yet extraordinarily profound. Highly recommended read, however I warn you, only start it when you have no assignments due because the second you begin you will likely be physically unable to put it back down!

I hope this list has inspired you to pick up a novel again, give the pages a good old sniff, (we all do that sometimes, right?) and get amongst the reading scene once again! If you end up reading one of these books and would like to tell me how accurate or misleading my reviews were, please feel free to give me a holla at juliecleaver@ hotmail.co.nz (yes I still use hotmail, sue me.) Or even if you’re just down to have a good old yarn about a novel, my inbox is always open.

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by Matthew Cattin

TRANSCENDENCE is coming to cinemas May 1, and Roadshow Films and Debate are giving you the chance to WIN one of 20 double passes to the film! Email mcattin@aut.ac.nz to be in to win.

SYNOPSIS Dr. Will Caster (Johnny Depp) is the foremost researcher in the field of Artificial Intelligence, working to create a sentient machine that combines the collective intelligence of everything ever known with the full range of human emotions.

His highly controversial experiments have made him famous, but they have also made him the prime target of anti-technology extremists who will do whatever it takes to stop him. However, in their attempt to destroy Will, they inadvertently become the catalyst for him to succeed to be a participant in his own transcendence.

For his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) and best friend Max Waters (Paul Bettany), both fellow researchers, the question is not if they can but if they should. Their worst fears are realised as Willยนs thirst for knowledge evolves into a seemingly omnipresent quest for power, to what end is unknown. The only thing that is becoming terrifyingly clear is there may be no way to stop him.

In Cinemas May 1 Rating M - Contains Violence 31

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REVIEWS

Do your strong opinions drive away your friends? Send us an email at mcattin@aut.ac.nz to contribute to our reviews section.

Divergent Directed by: Neil Burger Starring Shailene Woodley, Theo James, Kate Winslet

Set in a post-war Chicago, Shailene Woodley (The Descendants) stars as Beatrice Prior, a teenage girl in a world where society is split into five factions based on their personalities. Every young adult must take a test to help them decide which faction they belong in, but when Beatrice’s test proves inconclusive, she learns she is a Divergent; someone with no set personality that threatens the system. Beatrice hides herself within Dauntless, the faction for the brave, and throws herself into their brutal training regime to stay in the society. As she makes new friends and builds a connection with her trainer Four, Beatrice, now Tris, struggles to hide her Divergent nature from the watchful Janine Matthews as Erudite, the law making faction, threatens to overthrow the system.

I did not think this was a great movie, but nor did I find it particularly awful either; it feels a bit… meh. Coming so soon after Hunger Games, there is not really a lot that makes this franchise stick out; society split up, watchful leaders, young girl who rather easily is able to shake up her world. I am sure they would want to capitalize on Katniss’ power and popularity, but they probably should have waited a few years before presenting us with something so familiar in character and storyline. Shailene is quite good in her leading role, as is Kate Winslet as the icy villainess, but the film is stuffed with quite a lot of characters and it’s hard to keep track or interest of many of the side characters.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills There are so many book to movie franchises coming out these days that one cannot possibly read all the source material, not unless they have endless free time and no other literary interests. While I have heard a lot about Veronica Roth’s Divergent trilogy, I have never been tempted to pick up the book, not when it is one in an increasingly crowded genre, but I thought I would at least give the film a crack and see if it is really the next big franchise in the making.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier Directed by: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo and Joss Whedon Starring: Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Samuel L. Jackson

It has its upsides, in terms of an underlying message and the fact there is no love triangle (thank bloody god), but the overstuffed film never quite reaches its potential. Divergent is a decent movie, but a few less characters and more focus on some of the moral messages would have made this nonbook reader a little more invested as the film rockets its way towards a dark but dull finale. I am sure it will satisfy fans, but if you’re not already familiar with Tris’ exploits, then maybe give it a miss.

are rather shaky and rely on briefly mentioned issues earlier on to wrap themselves up. However, Winter Soldier, the sequel to The First Avenger that first gave us Chris Evans as Captain America, is a very solid film that blows all of its predecessors out of the water.

Steve Rogers AKA Captain America has adapted to his new life in the 21st Century and has become a key member of SHIELD. After a mission to rescue a captured ship, Steve begins to have doubts about his organization, while Nick Fury uncovers a potential mishap with the upcoming launch of their latest weaponry. After an epic car chase and surprising twist, Steve finds he is the only person who can uncover a conspiracy that threatens to destroy SHIELD, and, with aid from the Black Widow, sets out to learn and stop the fabled ‘Winter Soldier’ who is at the heart of it.

There is little I can really say about this movie except for Wow! I had high expectations going in, and the movie exceeded all of them. The plot had a few bumps in it, but it was a lot smoother and more plausible than any recent MCU film, and indeed very sinister with a lot of pointed commentary on our own world. The film hardly feels like a superhero movie; this is a political thriller with a huge budget and lots of excellent, extremely realistic CGI. We had some excellent performances from all the main players, the usual brilliant one liners, a lot of intriguing twists, and, at its heart, a powerful plot that will have interesting ramifications for all of the franchises.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills The Marvel Cinematic Universe has been dominating the box office since Iron Man soared onto our screens in 2008. But while their profits have genuinely been consistent, the actual quality of the films has been fairly inconsistent.

There are epic sequences, excellent CGI and nice little one liners, and most of the movies generally are quite good, but quite a lot of their plots

People on the internet will find some fault with this, because that’s what people on the internet do, but Winter Soldier is the most epic, intense and astounding entry into the MCU yet. Quite simply, this is a fucking great movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat, makes you laugh, makes you gasp, and one that sets the scene fantastically for Avengers 2. This is a superhero movie almost for people who don’t like superhero movies, whilst still pleasing fans and general moviegoers alike. Do yourself a favour and watch this – and stay for at least the first post credits scene, it is the icing on the cake.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug DVD Directed by: Peter Jackson Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage

in some cases not so slightly, whilst pulling the finger at the book) is perhaps the biggest and most positive difference between The Desolation of Smaug and An Unexpected Journey. Whereas the first film had to take its portion of the story and stretch it over three hours (ending up a little slow and bloated because of it), The Desolation of Smaug is an altogether more exciting affair.

Because the film often freely changes the original story, it means there’s a greater amount of freedom within the story. The structure is perhaps let down by an overly long final act, but considering the strength of the rest of the film, the infuriating and brilliant ending isn’t much of an issue.

In terms of performances, Tolkien’s cast of 13 dwarves, a wizard and Martin Freeman does get a little full sometimes. This means that none of the dwarves can ever really be particularly outstanding. That’s not to say that they’re bad, just that the ratio of dwarves to screen isn’t particularly conducive to excellent dwarven acting. Martin Freeman however does a fine job at portraying Bilbo once again. For around two and a half hours Freeman disappears and is replaced by a hairy hobbit. Same thing happens whenever I take my shoes off.

Reviewed by Kieran Bennett Peter Jackson’s latest outing into the world of Middle Earth is a divisive one.

On the one hand it’s an epic, rollicking ride through the world of Middle Earth that leaves one utterly breathless by the last frame. However, Jackson also takes Tolkien’s world and uses it how he pleases, telling a story that in many places only vaguely resembles the original tale penned. Two questions must be asked before seeing the film; how important to you is seeing the original story preserved versus how important is it to see one of summer’s most thrilling blockbusters?

Jackson’s decision to stray slightly from the path of the original journey (and

Pompeii Directed by: Paul W. S. Anderson Starring: Kit Harrington, Emily Browning, Kiefer Sutherland

Also of particular note is Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug the Dragon.

Cumberbatch is chilling, cold, menacing and just plain cool as he taunts and toys with Bilbo in the heart of the Lonely Mountain. He strikes exactly the right balance between Smaug the noble dragon and Smaug the brash smasherof-towns. The effects used to bring Smaug to life are even more impressive, with the movie for just a moment turning into a nigh pornographic look at how many ways light can bounce of scales. This, combined with Cumberbatch’s excellent vocal portrayal makes Smaug hands down the coolest movie dragon since forever.

None of these points however will matter in the slightest if you’re expecting to go and see a faithful reproduction of the middle section of Tolkien’s novel.

In fact this movie may just cause you physical pain. If however you’re willing to look beyond that, what’s left is a thrill a minute fantasy rollercoaster that leaves you begging for the next instalment. I will be there, at midnight, with my axe. sive skills lead to him be purchased by a Pompeii slave owner. En route to the doom city, a spot of impromptu horse killing by Milo impresses the upper class Cassia. As Milo prepares to fight reigning champion Atticus, Roman senator Corvus arrives to discuss dealings with Cassia’s father; unbeknownst to anyone, Cassia fled Rome to avoid Corvus’ advancements, whilst unknown to Corvus, his greatest triumph of squashing a rebellion involved murdering Milo’s parents.

A story of love and revenge begins, as Milo and Cassia are drawn closer together and Milo plots vengeance against the man who killed his family, all whilst the mountain that looms above them begins to make itself known.

For a movie about a volcanic eruption, said angry mountain is only seen in the last half hour or so of the film. Before then, the movie waddles along with a halfway decent but slightly contrived plot for the first hour, full of stereotypical Roman plots that at times feels like they are trying to take more than just Jon Snow out of Westeros (sword fights, violence, and attempts at political commentary).

The love story is meant to be the heart of the film but it is unbelievable that Milo and Cassia fall for each other after a brief roadside encounter, though Emily Browning played her role admirably. Meanwhile, Kiefer Sutherland was atrocious as the villainous senator; every scene with him and what I presume was meant to be a British accent was embarrassing and painful to watch.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills The story of Pompeii is one of our world’s oldest natural disasters, and disaster movies have always been a popular genre, so the two naturally go together.

However, this attempt to combine the classic story with modern CGI is a slow burner (pun intended), which builds up along with the eruption and only gets good when it starts raining fire, but even that cannot save the abysmal film.

Kit J‘on Snow’ Harrington stars as Milo, a slave-owned gladiator whose impres-

The movie gets good when Vesuvius erupts and all hell breaks lose; you’d only watch this for the exploding mountain, collapsing buildings and massive tsunami, not for a dull love story stolen from Titanic. The CGI volcano is the big selling point here, but the special effects get overused to the point where the entire last half hour looks green screened in the worst way possible.

My expectations were relatively low, and while Pompeii managed to raise them a bit, it is never a good sign when you can accurately predict what the last shot of the movie is going to be. It is a fun way to kill a few hours, but if you want Kit Harrington, CGI and violent political storylines, then watch the new season of Game of Thrones instead and save this for a Saturday afternoon when you have nothing else to do.

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