Debate issue 6

debate Issue 06 | APRIL 2014

debate Issue 06 | APRIL 2014 facebook.com/ausmdebate

Cover ART

by Dana Franklin EDITOR Matthew Cattin matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz DESIGN/ART Ramina Rai ramina.rai@aut.ac.nz contributors Jess Forsman | Lennie Galloway | Laurien Barks | Joel Ngeaw | Campbell Thwaites | Cameron Carpenter | Kieran Bennett | Regan Schoultz | Jessie Song | Alex Casey | Ethan Sills | Amelia Petrovich Illustration & Photography Ramina Rai | Xander Thurteen | Amelia Petrovich advertising contact Kate Lin kate.lin@aut.ac.nz printer PMP Print Ltd. publisher AuSM all rights reserved

This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.

disclaimer Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, PMP Print or its subsidiaries.

FEATURE ARTIST: Dana Franklin

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to measles.

To get immunised now, talk to Student Health or your family doctor or nurse.

Not only children get measles.

Protect yourself and your family.

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Call 0800 IMMUNE or visit health.govt.nz/measles for more info

EDITORIAL https://www.flickr.com/photos/nuskyn/

Hello all,

hand, is essentially likening somebody to a cow. Don’t be doing that…

Not long now until y’all are on study break, you lucky things. My advice to you is this; treat it not as a break to study in, but as a break from study. It will most likely be your last break of the year with semi decent weather so you’d be wise to make the most of it; get your washing out to dry, top up your tan lines and get on the milkshake buzz. It’s still summer in spirit!

Others believe Smalley should be sacked for her slip. But again, I disagree.

It was a genuine mistake and she believed her words were spoken in privacy. From what I understand, she’s usually very professional and this mishap is rather out of character. I believe it was a mistake that required an apology, but when her on-air regretful cry was issued the following day, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

So last week, the infamous live microphone claimed another victim, radio presenter Rachel Smalley. It’s a fairly amateur mistake to make, particularly for a professional broadcaster, but I suppose when you work the same job every day, it can be easy to forget the basics.

For those that missed the story, Smalley announced on Newstalk ZB last week a story regarding the morning after pill’s lesser effects on women weighing over 70kg. The news segment ended, an advertisement began, and unbeknown to Smalley, her microphone remained on, recording her post-news banter. In her dialogue, she expressed surprise at the average weight of Kiwi women (74.6kg) and referred to them as “lardos” and “heifers”. Classy.

Naturally, a social media shit storm ensued. Nobody likes being likened to a heifer last time I checked and it seems in general people seem to love any opportunity to cut down New Zealand’s media personalities.

Judging by the comments made on news sites and social media, people are divided by Smalley’s comments.

Some are of the opinion that we’re living in a time where political correctness has gone mad and that Smalley shouldn’t be called out for speaking ‘truth’. They say good on her for calling a spade a spade, but I disagree. She called a spade a dickhead. Yes, New Zealand does have a serious problem with obesity - in fact Kiwi women have the sixth highest average weight in the world. This is fact, and her surprise was justified – it’s a scary statistic and as a nation, we are facing serious health consequences as a result of our lifestyles. Her choice of words however, weren’t ideal at all.

Many commenters are saying she was merely using every day inoffensive language and she needn’t apologise for what she said but please, the term ‘overweight’ is factual, objective and impersonal. Heifer on the other

In her apology, Smalley attempted to pass the comment off as “out of context”. I’m not entirely sure what she means by that… Perhaps if the preceding newscast was about water skating dogs she could have pulled the out of context card. But it sounded to me like she was passing rude comments about women over 70kg, straight after reading a story about women over 70kg taking the morning after pill. I may be way off the mark here, but that seems pretty damn in context.

She also stated that "it was in no way representative of any opinion I have ever held, ever”. Maybe I’m wrong again, but it certainly came across as though what she said was an opinion she held. Good on her for apologising, but I think she would have been better off saying she made a mistake, her choice of words were stupid and she regretted any offense caused, rather than trying to sweep it under the rug as a misunderstanding.

Regardless of context, this incident needs to be forgotten immediately. It was a mistake, it wasn’t meant for our ears, and had the microphone been switched off as it should have been, everybody would be none the wiser and still contented to listen to Smalley every morning with a smile on their dials. I’ve made mistakes as editor before and I know full well how shit it can be to let something loose in the magazine that causes upset. Unless of course it is penis drawings – I’m not even mad about those complaints.

But, if push does come to shove, and Smalley is fired for her slip, well I think her best bet would be to laugh at women’s moustaches, ethnic last names, Susan Boyle and homosexuals. She may create a few enemies… But at least she’ll get her own show.

Matthew 5

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HOROSCOPES.

THE HEALTHY STUDENT

by Jess Forsman

Aries (March 21- April 20)

Effort brings reward and you will bring a whole lot of effort into drinking this Friday, but that is where your Friday begins and ends at 8:30pm. You will only be rewarded with a hangover on Saturday.

Taurus (April 21- May 21)

You have opinions on anything and everything this week… Who are we kidding here? All of the time. You will be challenged when you realise that you are way out of your depth on PMS when you are quite clearly a male. Just stop being a cow.

Gemini (May 22- June 21)

Supress the evil twin this week. You will actually have to be nice to people for (shock horror) five days before residing in your lair for the weekend.

Cancer (June 22- July 23)

Welcome back from under your wee rock - to get you up to date, a plane went missing and politics are still, well, the same... This week the stars encourage you to spend at least 10 minutes outside for your health and to attend at least one lecture sometime this month as there is this overwhelming feeling that they are important somehow.

NATURAL NACHOS

Leo (July 24- Aug. 23)

By Lennie Galloway Nachos are commonly thought of as a greasy pub snack comprising mostly of sour cream and cheese. But they don’t have to be heart attack waiting to happen. Here’s my healthy version of the notoriously naughty nacho dish.

Serves two.

Aww you big oversized kitten you! It’s getting colder and we all love a cuddly cat but don’t take it too far and nuzzle up to your lecturers, you still won’t get that grade, but perhaps a harassment charge.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)

Well aren’t you just a box of fluffy ducks this week?

Everything is all sunshine and lollipops. Or have you forgotten something? Perhaps that assignment or the lecture you missed because you were skipping down the yellow brick road.

•

1 large onion, 1 can whole (or chopped) tomatoes in puree, olive oil, 400g beef mince, tomato paste, 4 button mushrooms, salt, chilli powder, natural corn chips.

Libra (Sept.24-Oct.23)

You are great at balancing this week. Drinks in each hand… Just don’t try doing this on your head - you will knock someone out, then the glass will shatter all over the floor, someone will scream “taxi!”, the bouncer will kick you out and it’ll all happen in Valentines on your grandmother’s birthday. Smooth.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

You are considered the sexy sign. You can roll out of bed and have the 'I just had the best night ever' hair and get away with it. However unwashed hair and a shower in a can is not sexy... Ever. This week you will learn this the hard way when people sit two seats away from you in a lecture and lie about saving a seat.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

Get off your high horse, no need to be boasting about your shot downing skills this week. You neglect to realise that no one drinks on a Tuesday, not since they were 18.

Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 20)

Don’t get your goatee in a twist, there will be someone this week that’ll get on your nerves. As much as you want to name and shame them all over social media, remember you are better than that and only need to write it on bathroom walls.

• • •

• • •

Put 1 diced onion and 2 tsp olive oil in a pan. Cook till soft.

Add the mince and cook until brown Add can of tomatoes, 2 tsp tomato paste and mushrooms, along with salt and chilli powder to taste.

Cook for 15 mins on medium temperature.

Serve on top of natural, low salt corn chips A side salad of lettuce, red onion and fresh tomato goes perfectly.

GROCERY GUIDE Finding a happy medium between healthy and tasty isn’t always easy so here’s a little guidance from a seasoned shopper as to what is and isn’t so good for you.

3/5 While you can eat these with a clear conscious (made from NZ grown corn along with low amounts of salt and oil), your mouth will be left wishing for a more exciting and less rough experience.

2/5 Although my taste buds are screaming for a 5/5, my mouth is also screaming for water. Dorito’s, while delicious, have an enormous amount of salt in them which can give you high blood pressure. Yikes!

Aquarius (Jan. 21- Feb.19)

No matter how much you watch Hair, furry armpits are not okay… Not now… Not ever. You understand the power of deep breathing - don’t take that joy from everyone else with the natural scent that you emit in public. Deodorant helps keep the peace in the world of university.

3/5 Holy guacamole! These are delicious. What’s more, they’re full of delicious poppy seeds, a great source of healthy antioxidants.

However, they’re still a little on the salty side. You shouldn’t have to drink a bottle of water to recover.

Pisces (Feb.20-March 20)

4/5 Bingo! Not too salty, not too fatty & guaranteed to be gluten free.

While they may not have the same salty, deliciousness of Dorito’s or Uppercuts, they still have a great crunch to them.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, it is time to jump out of your fishbowl and make a splash. Just don’t become a shark, walk down the hallways singing Sexbomb and prey on anything that moves.

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FEATURE ARTIST

Are you the artsiest kid in town? Email mcattin@aut.ac.nz with your creations.

Dana Franklin Hello! My name is Dana Franklin. I am a third year student studying Digital Design at AUT. My major inspirations are Studio Ghibli, wildlife and ambient music. I enjoy surreal landscapes and playing with colours and digital brushes. My main tools are Photoshop and Paint Tool SAI. You can find more of my works and speedpaints on my tumblr: www.dana-franklin.tumblr.com

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Take my Beth away.

By Laurien Barks I’m a big fan of travelling. But I’m also a poor and lowly arts student with an inevitable future in teaching or unpaid interning, so my travel budget has been, and always will be minimal. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine with me! I’ve always been a fan of the adventures that come with cheap travel.

Would I like a bit more leg space on a less rickety aircraft? Sure I would, but when it comes to cheap accommodation, even if I could afford to opt out and get a hotel, I don’t think I would.

I’ve lived/slept in everything from tents to vans, from hostels to 24 hour diner benches, but nothing compares to the adventures I had the summer that I decided to couch surf. If you’re an adventurous traveller and haven’t heard of couchsurfing.org, put down this magazine and look it up now!

You basically sign up, offer the world your couch (if you have one available for lonely wanderers), and in exchange you have a world of free accommodation at your fingertips. There are dozens of people to contact in pretty much every place imaginable! You message them, state the dates that you would need to stay with them, and if it works with their schedule, they welcome you into their home and onto their couch (or spare bed if you’re lucky). Not only does it save money, but it’s an incredible way to meet people (often locals) on your travels to foreign lands.

They’ll give you the best advice, show you where to explore, and often cook up the best local cuisine that you’ll ever taste!

The fact that you meet the hosts that you stay with on the internet scares a lot of people. But, like anything on the internet, if you’re smart about it, the chances of any harm coming your way are low. Before I even made contact with these people, I ensured that they were not single males living on their own (ladies, use your brains please) and I placed precedence on families with children, and older couples. When I found someone okay with hosting me, I phoned/ Skyped them, and had my dad talk to them as well (Don’t judge me, I just like to be extra cautious).

Because I went about things intelligently, I haven’t run into any problems. Have I run into some weirdos? Yes, yes I have. But were they harmless weirdos? Yes, yes they were.

My number one standout weirdo has got to

be Beth, though. Oh Beth. I met this lovely middle aged lady in the heart of Darwin. She was the most exciting thing to happen to me in that place. Granted, if you’ve ever been to Darwin, you’ll know that the standards for excitement aren’t very high, but still, she was something else!

Myself and another young lad were welcomed into her home on the same night, and immediately informed what time we had to wake up, what time we had to eat breakfast, what night we had to cook for her, and then she graciously allowed us to choose which hour of the day we would allocate to conversation with her. This was going to be good. I could tell. I was then shown to my room, which happened to be a large warehouse garage with a fold out bed, a shared bathroom, a fan, and a whole lot of boxes. I later learned that I was sleeping in the space that she had leased for her start-up business of aromatherapy minus the ‘therapy’... So essentially, she was planning on marketing... Um... Different smells?

Oh bless.

I’ll never forget my first night with Beth. She, the other lad, and myself were all waiting for dinner to finish cooking, and the boy excused himself to go and take a brief shower before dinner, leaving Beth and I on our own. At first I panicked a little because he was really holding the conversation together, but got over it because, I mean, how hard is it to speak to a sweet little lady for 10 minutes.

Apparently very hard.

Over the course of that kid’s shower, which was of an acceptably average length, not excessive in the least, I was pummelled with the following: “So you’re from Canada?”

“Originally, yes” “I’ve been to Canada.”

“Oh? Did you like it?”

“No, I hate Ontario, everyone there is racist.

I don’t think that Jesus Christ was actually a Jew.” “...Oh?” “No, those Jews are troublesome and Jesus shouldn’t be called one. I moved to Perth for a while with my black boyfriend a few years ago.”

“Oh yea? How was that?”

“I hated it, everyone there is racist. You’re very white”

“Haha, yes I burn easily, so I do my best to cover up from the sun” “You have a vitamin D deficiency then” “Um...I don’t think I do?”

“Yes you do, you need to go in the sun.”

“I take vitamin D capsules.”

“Yes, but if you don’t go in the sun you’re not getting enough. I’m telling you, you have a vitamin D deficiency.”

At this point the young man came back into the room, gave my traumatised expression a questioning look, and then proceeded to ask questions about Darwin, allowing me time to recover from the most shockingly contradictory conversation of my life.

That night pretty much prepared me for the remainder of my stay with Beth. I was always composed and refused to let anything that might come out of her mouth take me by surprise. I kept my opinions to myself and did my best to please this strange lady for the few days that I was there. Of course, even the best of us can be thrown off our guard every once in a while (see: Beth thinks I’m asleep so walks to the shower with nothing on but a towel that could’ve easily been confused for a face cloth).

On my last night there she got a phone call from the building manager and was told that she was in deep trouble for letting me sleep in the garage. As it turns out, it was illegal for me to be in there. Oh Beth. Oh Beth, Beth, Beth. Needless to say, my flight out of Darwin couldn’t have come quickly enough. I even lied about my departure time as an excuse to leave early. I told her I was catching a bus to the airport but I actually caught a bus to a cinema and watched a film before hopping on my plane. Somehow the guilt of lying didn’t outweigh the level of torture that I would endure had I stayed in her company for one minute longer. Hopefully my karma understands.

Luckily the rest of my time in Australia was spent in the company of people who, while won’t ever be my best friends, at least understood the social protocols of human interaction. That’s all one can really ask for.

Beth and I, surprisingly, have fallen out of touch, but I sincerely hope that she’s happy.

My biggest hope is that she’s out there somewhere, selling her pointless scents to a variety of different races, and has finally learned the difference between hosting couchsurfers, and harbouring them. Bless your heart, Beth.

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NIFTY NEWS Flight attendants say safety first, service later

By Joel Ngeaw Some flight attendants believe that training and other on-board protocols need reviewing in light of the missing Malaysia Airlines flight.

Flight MH370 vanished with 239 people on board over three weeks ago en route to Beijing from Kuala Lumpur.

The Malaysian Prime Minister, Najib Razak, has said the loss of contact with the Boeing 777200ER was “consistent with deliberate action”.

Whether this deliberate action was caused by the pilots or a third party on board remains to be seen, but some flight attendants believe a review of on-board security can reduce the risk of emergencies during a flight.

A flight attendant for Cathay Pacific, who declined to be named, says airlines should teach their staff more self-defence techniques as well as incorporate the use of closed-circuit television on airplanes.

deal with them differently but if [having weapons] means putting other passengers at risk then it’s not worth it. A non-physical approach is the best.”

However, he says the cabin crew can become too task oriented as their job can be quite routine and they may forget how to react in an emergency.

“We are trained yearly for anticipation but when the thing really happens on the spot, not every single person reacts to [what] they’re supposed to be doing.

“It’s skimming the surface. It needs to be more practical.”

Former Air New Zealand flight attendant Minas Al-Ansari agrees and suggests the use of in-flight simulators of emergency situations so the cabin crew get practice for worst case scenarios.

“There is no room for any errors at any time in this business.”

When asked if he believes flight attendants require self-defence weapons on board, he says airlines believe in treating all passengers “nicely”.

An Emirates crewmember, who does not wish to be named, is becoming more vigilant when doing her job.

“A terrorist is still a passenger. I know you have to

“Safety is our number one priority. I really focus

more on that now, because anything can happen at any time. Sometimes we are so focused on the service and trying to give our best to the passengers, that we become less focused on the safety.

“Service brings people back, I do know that, but an accident, which ends in a disaster where everybody dies, doesn't bring anyone back.”

She believes the incident with Malaysia Airlines is a result of a hijacking.

“I have a feeling that the flight did not crash into sea or land. I think it flew somewhere and it stays there until they will use it for another purpose.

And if it did crash, then I still believe it was hijacked for whatever reason.”

All three flight attendants are wary, however this incident has not put them off flying.

“It's terribly unfortunate,” Ms Al-Ansari says.

“However, statistically we are more likely to get struck by lightning than die in a plane crash. So the possibility is really quite low.

“Plus if flying is the job you love, then dying doing what you love isn't a reason to put you off flying.”

Wages will suffer from TPPA, says protester.

Mr Carolan says he is concerned that these billions will only end up in the pockets of corporates.

“We’re going to make a billions dollars, well I (corporates) am, but you’re not, your wage is going to go down,” he says.

A line up of political speakers, including Labour Leader David Cunliffe, former Green MP Jeanette Fitzsimmons and NZ First MP Asenati Lole-Taylor, spoke at the event.

Speakers talked on a range of concerns that the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement could bring, including genetic engineering of food and environmental exploitation.

Wages for low paid workers was one of the many concerns voiced at the TPPA protest.

By Campbell Thwaites Low paid workers face pay cuts if the government signs the controversial Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement, says the Unite Union.

Joe Carolan, from Socialist Aotearoa and a Unite Union organiser, says the agreement will push corporate globalisation and this could have a negative impact on workers.

“We see that global corporations come to our country and they want to drive wages down,”

he says.

Mr Carolan says the agreement needs to protect the universal rights of workers and not just corporates.

“We have another idea about globalisation and that’s to globalise workers’ rights,” he says.

Mr Carolan was part of a 1000 strong protest on Auckland’s Queen Street last Saturday.

On the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade’s website it says the Trans-Pacific Partnership will add $4.1 billion to exports and $2 billion to GDP.

The Labour Leader was jeered because he was unable to offer a definite position on the agreement, until he saw the terms.

However, he was cheered as he called for the government to publicise the terms of the agreement.

“Our position is to challenge the government to release text and to brief New Zealanders fully on the details so we can make up our own minds.

At the moment, people are in the dark, and that’s not appropriate on an agreement this important” he says.

13

Lovenotes and Hatemail

Want to whisper a sweet nothing in our ear? Or would you rather scream hateful somethings at us? Either way, email us at mcattin@aut.ac.nz., or drop your letter off to the AuSM office. We look forward to hearing your judgement of us!

Hi there, I don't really know if this counts as a love letter or hate mail. I'm not really sure of anything anymore. I took your 80s pop icon quiz yesterday and the last 16 hours have been the most confusing of my life. You see, I had a dead tie as my result. I am both Robert Smith, and Bruce Springsteen. And, I guess, one result was Billy Idol, but I think that's unavoidable since we all have a little Idol in us.

I'm more concerned about the Bruce/ Robert complex. Like, I don't know if I should be cruising down the highway, the wind in my hair, the sunset in my rearview mirror, or greasing my frizzy hair up, and crying to make my mascara run. I feel simultaneously misunderstood, and utterly glorified. I'm torn in two pieces, and I just don't know where to turn. Any advice? I mean, is it possible to live a full and happy life in an existence where the 'Streets of Philadelphia' are 'Never enough?'

Kind regards, Springsmith Dear Springsmith, I’m sorry that our quiz caused you such an identity crisis. But, I reckon it’s quite alright to be a bit of both. You can rock Springsteen’s rippling muscular abdomen, dripping heavily with sweat, glinting in the moonlight… Firm to the touch, calloused working hands… All over me…

Sorry.

And uh, Robert Smith’s lipstick?

Because personally, I just want to keep doing 80s issues, over and over. I’m still very much on that buzz.

Thanks!

Matthew Hello! How are you?? It I, Nataliya!

I at once warn I not a spam!

I the real girl!

Your address has found in agency of a marriage! I have paid money and have made the questionnaire. To me have told that you I approach by my criteria!

I can send you the photos on e-mail.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail: elvipiyan@yahoo.com But I search only serious relations, I am killed already simply by morons which would want only chance photo that masturbated on it!!! If you such, Then please at all do not answer me.

Write! I wait!

With best wishes Nataliya!!

Nataliya! Hi! I’m delighted that you aren’t a spam! I was worried for a moment in there so thanks for clearing that up.

I have responded to your personal email as requested, full body pics and my credit card details.

And don’t worry, I’m not just a moron wanting only chance photo that masturbate on it.

That shit makes you blind.

I look forward to hearing from you!

You’re welcome. Need any more advice, just ask.

Yours forever,

Yours,

Matthew

Matthew Dear Debate, I just wanted to tell you all that I loved the 80s themed mag this week! I want more theme weeks! ALL THE THEMES! The art work was spectacular, and a big shout out to the slasher article, and the second-hand songs article - I've never had a magazine that could appeal to my music, thrifty, vintage, and violent side all in one issue. I feel thoroughly satisfied.

Dear Agony Mr. Cattin, The bag that had my lunch in it had ‘On the Run’ written on it coz it’s one of those ones from the Mobil shop called ‘On the Run’. Now I have Band on the Run (I think

by Wings?) stuck in my head. Saaaah hassles. Not only bec ause it’s stuck in my head (and I only know that one line “Baaaand on the ru-un, baaand on the run”) but also because I can’t figure out if Wings made good music or not.

With love, Gratefully Gratified

Please if you could help with any of the above problems it would be much appreciated.

Hola,

Yours sincerely,

Thanks for the feedback! We’d love to bring you more themes. If you’ve got any bright ideas for themes, please share ‘em with us.

Seriously Annoyed, Conflicted & Confused

Hello, Wow. Sometimes I really do wonder what people think my job entails.

Band on the Run is definitely worth a listen right the way through – it’s a classic.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can help you get the song out of your head, but I can suggest listening to the Harvey’s jingle – it’s powerful enough to push anything out of mind.

Best wishes, Matthew

If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!

I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!

I need to be able to: Travel back in time.

Rewind my life including my age back to 4.

Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being tampered with again after I go back.

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I am aware that there are many types of time travel, and that humans do not do well through certain types.

I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible. To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of now will cease to exist.

I know that there are some very powerful people out there with alien or government equipment capable of doing just that.

If you can help me I will pay for your teleport or trip down here, Along with hotel stay, food and all expenses. I will pay top dollar for the equipment. Proof must be provided.

Also if you are one of the very few beings with the ability to edit the universe PLEASE REPLY!!!

Only if you have this technology and can help me please send me a (SEPARATE) email to: xxxxxx@aol.com Please do not reply if your an evil alien!

Thanks An open letter to AUT, Can anybody help me adjust my spam settings?

Thanks, Matthew

MEET THE MP

DENISE ROCHE

by Cameron Carpenter Green party list MP and candidate for Auckland Central, Denise Roche, shares her views on the economy, education, and the Auckland transport system with debate.

Denise Roche’s first job out of school was in aged care and she says the sector has completely changed since when she first started.

“The pay rates weren't as bad then as they are now, and because the industry was fully unionised there were things like overtime and weekend allowances for working unsociable hours,” she told debate. “What we see now is the underfunding of the sector and the increase in profit pushing down wages for workers.”

She says there needs to be a better funding for the sector, tagged specifically for the wages of the workers.

“They are frequently exploited emotionally, because people who work with the elderly don't see them as just a check box exercise.”

OPPORTUNITIES FOR ECONOMY

dairy, meat and raw logs, Roche says there is an opportunity being missed to produce more high-end products.

“We're losing so many manufacturing jobs so we have to do something.”

Roche says the clean-tech economy – which includes products that harness renewable materials, dramatically reduce the use of natural resources, and reduce emissions and waste – could be worth more than $8 billion to the Kiwi economy if we tap into just one per cent of the global clean-tech pie.

Just last week she visited a tyre recycling factory, which she says had the opportunity to invest a couple of million dollars in their plant to create polymers which are used as a road surface.

“In order to do that they need to make sure there's a buyer for the product, and the only potential buyer is the government. Our government is stepping back from all that and we're reducing the opportunity to reduce the number of tyres that go to landfill.”

She believes education needs to cover a wide range of subjects to encourage creative thinkers.

“What we're seeing at the moment with education is being taught for the employers,” Roche says. “With Lincoln University in particular, what’s on offer is being restricted because the government is pushing the line that education should be about what’s on the job market – we need creative thinkers too and that means we need a wide range of subjects.”

She says one of the Green’s key priorities is removing youth rates, if the party forms the next Government.

“We absolutely oppose them because they’re discrimination for no good reason and a breach of human rights,” she says.

GETTING AUCKLAND MOVING Roche believes the current government is “inured with the roading lobby,” and she’s calling for more money to be invested in infrastructure for walking, cycling and public transport.

“At the moment only one per cent of the Government transport budget is spent on cycling and what we have also seen is people are cycling as a way of getting around and we're not developing the infrastructure for that.”

As the economy pushes forward driven by 15

FOLLOW KEEP UP WITH WHAT始S GOING DOWN

@ausm1

ausm_aut

ausm.org.nz

/ausm1

ausm connect

Plan your break ahead Get your mates together and take a road trip to National Park during the mid-semester break. You can hire the AuSM lodge from $140 and it sleeps 12 – that’s less than $12 per person! Find out more or book now at www.ausm.org.nz

UPDATES www.ausm.org.nz

Top-up your phone with AuSM and get discount!

AuSM offices sell Vodafone, Telecom and 2degrees top-ups!

Buy a $20 top-up from us for just $19.50. Still a bargain!

Battle of the Bands is back!

Are you ready to join this amazing competition? Get your band ready and register with us!

The winning team will spend a day recording in the Red Bull Studios and even get a slot to play an AuSM Event in 2015!!

Sign up now!

For more info: http://ausm.org.nz/whats-on/ausm-battleof-the-bands-2014

Kia ora AUT! Another week goes by and another deadline for my column has loomed. Sometimes I feel like I am writing an assignment, and like all good students, I always seem to leave it to the last minute! I want to start out by thanking our debate editor Matt and designer Ramina for all their hard work and understanding of my constant last minute submissions!

Last week AuSM has launched a new survey that will ask you all your thoughts for a new Recreation Centre on the City Campus. There are some great prizes up for grabs including a one year free gym membership. Check out the AuSM Facebook page for details or fill in a survey at any of the gyms on campus.

On Friday the 28th of March, we had a great touch tournament out at the Manukau Campus. Thanks to the AuSM Manukau Rep Gina Maree for all her hard work on this event, we hope you all enjoyed it as much as we did.

PREZ SEZ president of ausm, john kingi

My week has again been filled with meetings and events and it’s been great seeing so many of you around campus. Mid-semester break is rapidly approaching, so keep studying hard and make sure that you’re staying on top of your study. You’ll be able to enjoy the break soon enough.

That’s it from me this week, next week you’ll hear from your AuSM VP April Pokino.

Your Prez,

John 17

ARNOLD BASKETBALL CHOCOLATEBOY EUGENE ERNIEPOTTS

FOOTBALLHEAD GERALD GERTIE GRANDPAPHIL KILT

HAROLD HELGA HILLWOOD NICKELODEON OSKAR

PHOEBE RHONDA SIDNEY STINKY SUNSETARMS

Circle all the words in the Hey Arnold Wordfind, tear this page out & pop it into the box on the side of the red debate stands, and you could win a Free Student Combo voucher for Al's Deli, Auckland CBD! Tooooo easy! Winner will be notified by email.

Name:

Email:

DID YOU KNOW?

WORD JUMBLER

ARNOLD How many words of three letters or more can you find without cheating? Probably not that many‌

6-12 Go back to school 13-20 Average Joe 21+ You did good kid.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

The world's smallest winged insect is the Tanzanian parasitic wasp. It's smaller than the eye of a housefly.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

19

THINGS I WILL TEACH MY KIDS

by Matthew Cattin

Try everything once.

Nothing frustrates me more than the kids who will stubbornly refuse to try new things, reason simply being because they already ‘know’ they won’t like it. News flash snotty child, you do not KNOW that you do not like pancakes, because you have never tried pancakes before in your goddam life. I’m not sure how I will get around this one… But I think it’s an important life lesson to implant early. Life is so full of opportunity and it’s far too short to opt out of that roller coaster ride because it looks scary, or not try that food because “seaweed isn’t a food, is it dad?!” Life is about collecting experiences, the good ones and the bad – try everything once and you’ll definitely encounter both, but your life will never be dull.

Never be afraid to fail.

As Robbie Williams pointed out so irresistibly in the 90s, you win some, you lose some. That’s life. I’m gonna be that bastard of a father that doesn’t let his kids beat him at checkers in every game (gasp! You wouldn’t dare!). As tempting as it is to demolish your five-year-old kid on the checker’s board (for the ego boost), you have to give them a taste of winning from time to time. In saying that, you also have to be prepared to open a good ol’ fashioned can of whip ass too. I’d like my kids to learn early that failure isn’t such a bad thing, that as bad as losing a running race feels, you can always settle shit over the checker’s board. And by that I mean everybody has strengths, and nobody is void of weaknesses. Play to your strengths, work on your weaknesses and realise that nobody wins all the time. The only failure is to not attempt something, to resign because you’re afraid of failure. That shit doesn’t fly by me, and it doesn’t fly in Disney films either.

Get your nose into that comic book young lady!

Stop yapping and eat your Bowie!

In my household, meal times will be music times. There won’t be a meal that goes by where music isn’t playing in the background. Why? Because kids love

Communication is everything.

Already, in the short span of my lifetime, interpersonal communication has devolved tremendously. Txts, snapchats, emails, voicemail, it’s all convenient sure, but it’s all so impersonal when compared to real, face-to-face yarning. When my future kids are old enough to have a phone/social network profile/email, I imagine the world’s dependence on technological communication will be more prevalent than it is today. Shielding my kids from the consequences of the tech-crazy world would be akin to pissing in the wind but I’d still like them to value above all else the beauty of one-on-one conversation, of real eye contact, touch and voice.

Stand up for others.

Looking back on the instances of bullying I witnessed growing up, one of two scenarios would occur every time; I would either step in and break up the fight, or stand idly by, wishing I had (but lacking) the courage. Often in life, the right thing to do is also the hardest. But I would like my kids to realise early the importance of standing up for those in need of a helping hand. Courage isn’t exactly a teachable trait, so I may just have to put them through rigorous and punishing training until they are qualified ninjas because let’s be honest, ninjas don’t need courage.

Potter. All the Potter.

As soon as my kids are of age (so, pretty much as soon as they slide out of the womb), I’m going to start reading them the gospel, the truth, the word, Harry Potter.

And when we finally turn the page of the seventh book, a few months later, that’s no worries, we’ll just start again. The very hungry caterpillar can get stuffed and I don’t care where the wild things are, my kids will be spoon fed one diet, and one diet only. All they need to know about magic, friendship, bravery, grief, and love, will not come from me, they will learn it

within the pages of Harry Potter. He is the chosen one, the boy who lived, and I reckon them books will do a better job at teaching my kids to be upstanding young individuals than anything I could offer.

There will always be mean kids.

It’s an unavoidable fact of life, assholes are everywhere, taking many shapes and sizes; teachers, salesmen, preachers, even your friends and family sometimes. But kiddies, pay no heed to the assholes of the world! It is them with the problem, not you. Unless of course it is you… In which case I will discipline you accordingly. I firmly believe that the majority of the world’s assholes have shit going on inside that make them so, and as easy as it is to dismiss them as a prick, they’re probably a nice enough person underneath their harsh exterior. Treat everybody nice, forgive and forget the mean kids or they’ll get to you and don’t become a monster to defeat a monster.

And some general tips.

-It’s actually not easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Don’t touch my man tools, they’re dangerous.

-My huge biceps and cheese grater abs are not the product of reps at the gym, but rather the combination of being half-god and having fun outside. Working out shouldn’t be a chore, do shit outside instead.

-Learn to swim as early as possible – the ocean is full of many wonders.

-Don’t start fights with kids who have buff dads.

-In fact, don’t start fights at all. But if a fight finds you, remember your ninja training and blind the bastards.

-Don’t cry over spilled milk. It will evaporate if you leave it long enough – problem solved.

-Compliment success and build people back up after failure. You never know how much somebody may be in need of a kind word.

-When you’re playing line tiggy, nobody will actually notice if you don’t stick to your lines.

-If you break somebody’s toy, give it a temporary fix and give it back so it breaks when the owner is using it.

-Never be afraid of asking questions in class – chances are you’re not the only one confused by decimal places.

-Never call anybody stupid. If they end up believing it, their life will end up very different.

image source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mikebaird

As a father, I will never discourage my kids from enjoying a work of fiction because no matter what anybody says, nobody is ever too old or too wise to learn a thing or two from fantasy. As so beautifully summed up by JK Rowling, when Harry asks if what is happening is real or merely occurring inside his head, Dumbledore replies “of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” It’s a beautiful sentiment that I think applies perfectly to the idea of fiction and escapism. People will say films, fantasy novels and comic books are a waste of time, but to me, they provide the felt tips to colour in the pages of our scrapbook lives. Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin sums it up beautifully with the following; a reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.

delicious food and I’m thinking that by playing them sweet beats while they’re gorging their little tummies fat, they will forever associate the greats with a full belly and a happy smile. Sorry kids, we’re going to have to finish Born to Run before dishing up dessert – if you don’t like it, I’ll sell your toys on Trademe. In all seriousness though, music is probably the best friend I’ve ever had and I’d be a little sad if my kids didn’t experience that same close bond. Not too phased on who it is that stirs up their feelings, so long as it’s a band I like, obviously. I think I will buy them old school discmans for their fifth birthdays and give them full access to my album collection, so long as they swear on their pet’s lives to put them back in order (artists arranged alphabetically and albums arranged chronologically – see? Educational parenting). I’ll give them the keys to a world ruled by Thom Yorke, Springsteen, Bowie, Ella and Louis. It will be like that scene in Beauty and the Beast when the beast shows Bella the library, except I will be hot and lovely the whole time (father of the year).

21

WHAT CHARACTER ARE YOU FROM HEY ARNOLD!?

What word describes you best?

A) Friendly B) Urban C) Tough D) Smart E) Clumsy F) Messy

Which of these is your typical weekend activitty?

A) Catching up with my friends B) Playing sports or being active C) Anything to get away from my parents D) Working and studying E) Visiting the doctor... again.

F) Playing poker.

Music genre of choice?

Pick a brand:

Romantic venue of choice:

A) Pop rock.

A) Facebook.

A) A beautiful restaurant.

B) Funk.

B) Nike.

B) Front row seats at the game.

C) Metal.

C) MTV.

C) A private beach.

D) Classical.

D) Wikipedia.

D) The museum.

E) Blues.

E) Johnson & Johnson.

E) Lollipops playland.

F) Electro Crunk.

F) Smirnoff.

F) The Casino.

What's your flirting technique?

Which breed of dog would you choose?

Choose a beverage:

A) Be as lovely and nice as possible.

A) A golden labrador.

B) Smooth talkin' always works for me.

C) Make sure they have no idea that I like them at all, and then torment them as much as I can.

D) Impress them with my knowledge.

E) Awkwardly try and tell them while blushing bright red.

F) Take them out for dinner.... as long as they're paying.

A) Tea B) Coffee

B) A husky.

C) Gin

C) A bullmastiff.

D) Milk

D) Shih Tzu.

E) Juice

E) Bassett Hound.

F) Vodka

F) A hot dog.

People always compliment my:

What do you do if you're running late to an event?

A) Manners.

A) English.

What are you worst at?

B) Style.

A) Call them and apologise, let them know how much longer you'll be.

B) PE.

A) Saying no.

C) Honesty.

B) I don't like arriving on time anyway, so I just go with the flow.

C) Creative Writing.

B) Being a graceful loser.

D) Achievements.

C) Make them reschedule.

D) Math.

C) Keeping calm.

E) Healing.

F) Money making schemes.

D) Hurry to the event as fast as I can, apologise profusely on arrival

E) Drama.

D) Relaxing.

F) None of them.

E) Staying safe.

My biggest pet peeve is:

F) Paying my rent on time.

A) When friends don't reply to txts.

A) Blue.

What's in your bag?

B) People who walk slowly.

Favourite item of clothing:

B) Black.

A) Bag of M&M's for sharing.

C) When my enemy looks sexy.

A) Hat

C) Red.

B) Excercise gear.

D) Spelling errors.

B) Graphic Top

D) Green.

C) My diary.

E) People who stare.

C) Tee-shirt

E) Orange.

D) Study notes.

F) Being nagged.

D) Glasses

F) Grey.

E) Plasters.

E) Socks

F) ....I'd rather not say....

F) Sweatpants

What was your favourite subject at school?

Favourite colour?

Mostly A's

Mostly B's

Mostly C's

Mostly D's

ARNOLD

GERALD

HELGA

PHOEBE

You're an all-round loveable good pal, and everyone benefits from your loyal friendship. You also love to wear tiny blue hats.

Daaaaaaym, you're the hippest kid on the block! You have a knack for story telling, which makes you the go-to-guy for a good urban legend.

Oh wow, you've got quite the attitude...

Perhaps your cynical demeanour is all just a facade, because deep down you've got a warm gooey heart for a special someone.

Criminy!

Some may call you a nerd, but, well... I suppose they're right - you loves you some studyin'. You can be a little anxious at times, especially if you don't come top of the class.

E) I usually try and find the fastest routes to the event to save time, but end up getting lost F) Bail.

Mostly E's

EUGENE You don't seem to have the best luck - things always seem to be going wrong for you.

Even this result on this quiz is pretty crappy luck. But hey, you're okay.

Mostly F's

OSKAR Sorry to break it to you like this, but you're pretty damn selfish. You constantly prioritize your own needs before anyone elses. That's messed up man.

DEBATES

How to write an essay

by Kieran Bennett

6) Freak out a little tiny bit

Essays are a sad, unfortunate part of your time at university. With a little preparation though, they can be overcome with only the smallest amount of effort.

- Well on the plus side the thing has now been done really well. On the downside your essay is now due in five days. In order to galvanise your energies and focus, why not start breathing rapidly and freak out? By freaking out you will not only release your essay energies but you will be well prepared for the next step.

1) Do not read the questions.

- University is a time for thrills, spills and excitement. People say these will be the best years of your life, but only if you make them so. By not reading any of the questions beforehand your excitement will increase by a factor of at least 12.

2) Read the questions, rejecting each one in turn.

- Now that you have decided to read the questions, it is important to in turn reject each question. Whether you think they may be too hard or you just don’t like how they talk to waiters, reject them all and then complain about how there are no questions.

3) Pick the question that everyone else is doing.

- Sadly, you still have to actually write an essay. By choosing the question that everyone else has chosen you can not only 'share' ideas, you can also collectively bitch. And really, isn’t that what university has always been about?

4) Make a cup of tea/coffee/vodka on the rocks.

-You deserve a break, what with all the work you've done.

Feel free to make a cup of your beverage of choice and relax. Your essay is essentially half completed now. Right?

5) Do something totally irrelevant and forget about it.

- Remember that thing you kinda needed to do? That thing that is, as of now, really important? Now is a prime time to do that thing. So that your essay is really good, make sure you do the thing thoroughly and to the very best of your ability. Like a wine, your essay gets better the longer you leave it.

7) Procrastinate.

- Yes that’s right, delay your essay further. Secretly your ideas and concepts will have been gestating all the while in the back of your mind, waiting for the right moment.

Besides, don’t you remember the other thing that needs to be done?

8) Blurt out a half formed plan.

- Now you can start in earnest, but what’s an essay without a plan? Take a piece of paper and then write down anything you have ever thought about the question, theories you may have, all the way down to how you feel about its table manners. Then arrange those thoughts into a logical pattern and set the paper on fire. After doing this seven or eight times, press the ashes together and your plan should form.

9) Stay up to midnight and beyond.

- Many renowned scholars have remarked that the point past midnight is, in many ways, a spiritually significant time.

This is why the point just past midnight is the moment that your brain will become so tired and warped that your thoughts will become at least 45 per cent clearer. As a side effect however your motor skills will degrade and you will be unable to write down any of the pure, unfiltered genius.

10) Throw your papers up and become a hermit.

- I feel like at this point it's the easier option, don't you?

This way you don't need to write the essay and you also don't have to wear pants.

23

Confessions of a Lofty Lass.

by Laurien Barks I’m a tall girl. I stand 5 feet and 11 inches above the ground (or 180cm, for all those metric systemers out there), so, realistically speaking, I’m actually a really tall girl. Consequently, I definitely know a thing or two about tall girl problems.

In my experience, society is far too busy celebrating my height to take the time to listen to my moaning complaints. I mean, even when they do stop to inhale between their breathlessly envious, model/amazonrelated praises, their rolling eyes give me the subtle impression that they don’t believe me. Heck, in their opinion, tall girls shouldn’t even have the right to complain about their obviously perfect and glamorous lives. Well, guess what? I’m going to take advantage of the anonymity that lies in these pages, and revel in the fact that you can’t interrupt me with your pitiful attempts to match your average/short girl problems to my tall girl ones. I’m going to whinge indulgently, and you’re going to sit here and take it.

Dear world,

old. Height does not equate to age.

- I rarely receive a comfortable hug. I’m either bending way down and straining my back, or I’m unintentionally shoving someone’s face into my clavicle/boobs/ tummy. I’m constantly having to gauge the intimacy of the relationship and decide if I value my physical comfort over their potential traumatisation. The struggle is real.

- I can count on one finger the number of times that I’ve gotten to be the little spoon.

- I’m forever cursed to be remembered and identified as ‘the tall one.’ It’ll never be, ‘Oh, I remember her, she’s the funny one/ smart one/talented one/one with that weird twitchy eye!’ Nope, I’ll always be the one with limb excess.

- The number of times that I’ve been mistaken for my dad’s girlfriend or wife is too damn high! ‘Oh, she’s your daughter?! But she’s so tall!’ To the adults of the world who are definitely old enough to know better, height does not equate to age!

- No, I do not play basketball. Yes, I am sure. No, I do not want to join your basketball team. What the hell! Leave me alone. Stop chasing me with a basketball!

- Boys, if we are the same height, that makes you 5’11, it does not make me 6’2. Get real, and be confident. You’re beautiful just the way you are. X.

- No, I do not play volleyball. Yes, I am sure.

No, I do not want to join your volleyball team. What the hell! Leave me alone. Stop chasing me with a volleyball!

- When I visit foreign countries, random people come up to take photos with me.

Since, half the time, we don’t speak the same language, it’s a whole lot of pointing, ‘oohing’, and posing on their part, and mainly reluctance on mine.

- No, I am not a sprinter. Yes, I am sure. No, I do not want to join your track team. What the hell! Leave me alone. Stop chasing me, I hate running!

- Why have you never seen me wear jeans?

Because ‘xtra tall’ is the biggest lie ever told! Unless I devote my life and my savings toward finding a pair of jeans, I won’t ever own a pair that goes beyond the halfway point of my calves.

- Saying ‘You can date a basketball player’ is not as original/comforting/realistic as everyone seems to think it is.

- How the eff would you like me to respond to ‘Whoa, you’re tall.’ Seriously. I’m asking.

Are you complimenting me? Are you scolding me? I don’t know!

- Yes, my family is tall. That’s usually how genetics work.

- Yes, I can reach that for you. You’re impressed? Well, we all have our special talents, don’t we?

- To the children of the world who are old enough to know better: I am not 89-years-

- I don’t wear heels because heels hurt and make climbing trees/playing football/mud wrestling difficult, NOT because I’m ‘already, like, so tall.’

- All of my high school photos with friends look like I’m slut droppin’ in da clubz because I wasn’t yet wise enough to realize that crouching to look like I’m their height looks more stupid than being a couple inches taller than them.

- Please stop looking at me from head to toe in a leisurely creepy manner. I know you’re just amazed/confused/a little slow, but dude...it’s weird.

- And my favourite: ‘You could model, you know, height-wise.’ I would like to run away from you, and hide my unmodel-worthy face...but we all know there’s nothing tall enough for me to hide behind.

Sincerely yours, Skyscraper/Giraffe/Beast/Lankinator/ whatever other creative nickname you would like to throw my way.

25

Upon further investigation I realized that people weren’t just taking snaps and posting them, they were also donating money to the cause– or some people were. This thing that people were doing and which I was so quick to judge was in fact helping the cause in a massive way.

I started to pay attention to the selfies and read what people were saying about them. The more I read, the more I realized that yes this campaign has been extremely successful. Who ever thought of this – well high five to you because it has been one of the few campaigns to have gained such a large amount of traction around the world and at such speed.

Not only are the ‘selfies’ raising awareness of the issue and bringing it into public eye, but when I saw posts from breast cancer survivors I realized that it was also helping them to open up about their fight. And what an amazing thing it is if a person feels they can open up about such a devastating disease. https://www.flickr.com/photos/shelleygibb/

Oh and the donations that have been received by the breast cancer foundation. According to Tauranga newspaper, Sun Live, in the UK alone, $1.93 million was raised in the first 24 hours of the campaign.

But despite these findings, I was still scratching my head at the selfie aspect of the campaign. How exactly were makeup free pics of women related to breast cancer?

I talked to my friends and realized I was not the only one feeling a bit confused.

SELFIES FOR CANCER

By Regan Schoultz Selfies for cancer, you have seen them, shared them and probably taken them, all in the name of fighting breast cancer – ladies I am talking to you.

Over the past few weeks, females and the odd male across the globe have been sharing images of themselves without makeup in effort to raise awareness for breast cancer sufferers. It started with one or two photos on the old Facebook timeline. Then over the week, the images picked up to five and then 10. They could not be ignored. Faces from South Africa, Brazil, Australia and New Zealand cropped up on my Facebook. It was an epidemic.

I was pessimistic, growing annoyed by the frequency of these ‘selfies’.

Ridiculous I thought!

I found myself questioning how a photo was actually going to help such a cause and when I shared my thoughts with others I was shamed for bad mouthing such a noble cause. I resorted to keeping my mouth shut and quickly scrolling past these posts trying to ignore them.

Then my friends and family started posting makeup free photos. How is this helping? I yelled to my computer screen.

But then I read some fascinating posts which made me think, hey maybe these ladies are on to something and I should actually look into this.

I did and I found some really interesting stuff that has changed the way I see this movement.

“It doesn’t feel like there is a real direction to the campaign outside of social media. I do agree that it is getting peoples attention and raising awareness but I think the connection between selfies and cancer is not that clear,” says Lauren Mitchel, an AUT student.

So I continued to research the campaign.

I came across an interview which was carried out between Sun Live and Breast Cancer Support Trust Service coordinator, Lea Lehndorf in which she pointed out that taking a selfie without makeup is a ‘nice’ representation of what women suffering from breast cancer go through.

Ms Lehndorf said that women suffering from breast cancer often fear that they are not going to look their best in public.

For most of us, myself included, we put on our faces – a smear of concealer and swipe of mascara – before leaving the house. We do our hair and make sure to look our best. This is something that cancer sufferers cannot do as easily. During treatment they may loose their hair, eyelashes and eyebrows.

By loosing the makeup and facing your Facebook friends, you are representing what life is like for ladies who have no choice about leaving their homes without hair.

I would also like to think this campaign is helping women to realize that being seen without makeup is okay – a concept I have struggled with since my early teens.

What have I learnt from this? Well firstly, not be so quick in assuming the worst of a trend but also that something that may seem so insignificant like a makeup free selfie can serve a far greater purpose then serving as just another excuse to post another selfie masterpiece.

Ladies if you are going to post makeup free selfies make sure you donate – don’t be a shit cunt and jump on the bandwagon just to fit in.

Who knows, my icy heart may even be persuaded to join the cause.

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27

F i lm s Y ou S i m p ly C an ’ t Put D own Jessie Song shares her favourite film adaptations of classic novels.

Life of Pi Yann Martel's book Life of Pi tells the tale of Piscine Molitor 'Pi' Patel's survival after a shipwreck took his family and left him stranded in the Pacific Ocean for 227 days with only a Bengal tiger as his companion.

In 2012, award-winning director Ang Lee adapted the novel into a 3D, computer-animated feature film that generated more than $600 million in worldwide ticket sales. The film was nominated for eleven Oscars, and won four, including Best Director.

The Hunger Games The movie that turned Jennifer Lawrence into a household name and alerted the world to the Hemsworth family’s incredibly good genes, The Hunger Games was a New York Times Best Seller for over 100 consecutive weeks, but turning it into a movie fit for a youngish audience was no easy feat.

Lions Gate Entertainment went all-in to secure the rights to the novel, even selling assets to secure the budget, but their efforts certainly paid off. The movie made a total gross of more than $400 million, and saved the studio from bankruptcy.

Jennifer Lawrence portrayed the character Katniss Everdeen flawlessly. Collins herself said that Lawrence was the "only one who truly captured the character I wrote in the book", and director Gary Ross called it the easiest casting decision of his life. To prepare for the role, Lawrence took archery lessons from Khatuna Lorig, a four-time Olympian in archery, who is now also a fan of the trilogy.

Though the movie had to be suitable for a PG audience, Collins worked closely with the screenwriters to ensure it remained faithful to the original story. It's a shame that Lionsgate later acquired the studio that bought you the horrors of the Twilight franchise, and the sequel, Catching Fire, rather than capturing the novel's brilliant political themes, chose to focus on the awkward love triangle between three depressed teenagers.

It took a whopping $120 million budget, but with the help of Rhythm & Hues Studio, Lee turned the "impossible movie" into a reality, and the visual effects were stunning. Lee also took his own interpretation to the spiritual elements of the book, and used water as his major inspiration. "I wanted to use water because the film is talking about faith, and it contains fish, life and every emotion for Pi. And air is God, heaven and something spiritual and death. That's how I see it. I believe the thing we call faith or God is our emotional attachment to the unknown. I'm Chinese; I believe in the Taoist Buddha. We don't talk about a deity, which is very much like this book; we're not talking about religion but God in the abstract sense, something to overpower you."

Requiem for a Dream Henry Rollins once confessed that after reading Hubert Selby Jr.'s novels, he experienced writers block for the first time in his life because "this guy [had] written everything that needs to be written". The novel examines the lives of four New Yorkers with big dreams who eventually succumb to their addictions and face the disastrous consequences of their choices.

The movie was directed by Darren Aronofsky, who referred to getting the movie completed as a "war".

When given the chance to pursue any project he wanted, everyone told him he was crazy for choosing Selby's novel. But Aronofsky's determination paid off, and the film not only received positive feedback from critics, but also landed an Academy nomination for Ellen Burstyn.

Though the film is often categorised as a "drug movie", Aronofsky intended it to be more about the power of addiction, whether it's pills, coffee, or even hope. "Ultimately Requiem for a Dream is about the lengths people go to escape their reality, and that, when you escape that reality, you create a hole in your present, because you’re not there. You’re chasing off a pipe dream in the future, and then you’ll use anything to fill that vacuum.”

The Perks of Being a Wallflower American novelist Stephen Chbosky's coming-ofage novel is narrated by "Charlie", an intelligent but alarmingly introverted teenager who struggles with difficult personal issues while simultaneously trying to survive his first year of high school as an unpopular kid.

The novel pays respect to teenagers, and doesn't belittle the heartbreak and anguish we all experienced in our more innocent years. It will fill you with nostalgia, and the movie does the same. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll think about the first person you ever kissed, and you'll want to call the person you haven't talked to in years.

For those who require more convincing, Emma Watson dances around in her underwear. What more could you ask for?

Fight Club You do not talk about Fight Club.

The Shawshank Redemption

Girl, Interrupted

One of the highest rated movies on IMDB, The Shawshank Redemption is based on Stephen King's "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption". In 1976, Stephen King started a program to encourage aspiring filmmakers, and offered them the opportunity to adapt his stories for only a dollar. Shawshank was one of those dollar deals.

In this deeply personal memoir, Susanna Kaysen shares the experiences from her stay at a psychiatric hospital during the 1960s after being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. The book explores mental illness, the stigma that comes attached, and how hospitalization came to be the popular choice of treatment for wealthy families who wished to distance themselves from the problem.

The film was nominated for seven Academy Awards, and is currently #4 on Empire Magazine's "500 Greatest movies of all time".

Kaysen herself despised the changes made to her original story, and described the movie as "melodramatic drivel", but the entertainment value of the film is undeniable, and Angelina Jolie landed an Oscar for her eerily accurate portrayal of the sociopath Lisa Rowe.

The Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald's literary classic about living the American Dream in the Valley of Ashes, is also known as the "Great American Novel". The story explores themes of decadence, idealism, resistance to change, the hollowness of the upperclass (Fitzgerald may arguably be the creator of the original 'first world problems'), and is considered one of the greatest works of American literature.

The Lord of the Rings The movies that finally put New Zealand on the map, and created a boom for our tourism industry, as 20,000 fans flock to visit Hobbiton every year. J.R.R. Tolkien's fantasy novel is the second best-selling novel ever written, with over 150 million copies sold worldwide.

Peter Jackson's adaptation of the novel was a phenomenal success, and the entire project worked out to be one of highest grossing film series of all time. Together, the three films were nominated for a total of 30 Academy Awards, of which they won 17. The Return of the King was nominated for and won 11 Oscars, a record yet to be broken.

Fitzgerald had a difficult time choosing a title for the novel, and after entertaining choices such as "Trimalchio in West Egg", "Gold-Hatted Gatsby", and "The High-Bouncing Lover", he was eventually persuaded by his wife Zelda and his editor Maxwell Perkins to settle on "The Great Gatsby". A month before the book was due to be published, Fitzgerald tried to change the title again, but Perkins didn't allow it. Unsatisfied, he conceded that "the title is only fair, rather bad than good".

Baz Luhrmann's 2013 film adaptation received mixed reviews from critics, but was certainly successful from a financial perspective, making $348 million in box office. The soundtrack was produced by Jay Z, and some of the songs were written specifically for the movie, making references to symbols from the novel. Luhrmann bought his distinctive trademark modern twist to the Jazz Age setting of the story, and combined with an A-list cast, the movie is visually stunning. Sadly, still no Oscar for Leo.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Rolling Stone called him the world's most enigmatic author, Stieg Larsson's Millennium series became a bestseller when it was published posthumously, and the origins of Lisbeth Salander's character are still being debated. Larsson was supposedly a witness to a gang rape of a young woman when he was 15, and was haunted by the incident for years, filled with guilt for failing to help her. The incident apparently inspired him to create the character Lisbeth Salander, a strong female character who not only survives sadistic sexual violence and rape, but claims her revenge in terrifying violent ways.

The novel was adapted into a Swedish film in 2009, and the Hollywood version came out in 2011. Noomi Rapace and Rooney Mara both shined in their performances as Lisbeth, and I'll leave you to decide which you liked better. The original Swedish title of the book is "Men Who Hate Women", and the pivotal theme of misogyny is depicted through extreme graphic violence. Be warned, these films are not for the faint hearted.

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FLIGHT OF THE CROWE

by Alex Casey The other day, I went to watch Russell Crowe pretend to be Noah. This is because I will watch Russell Crowe do anything. He is an Oscar winner, one of the most famous people in the world, the highest paid actor of 2014 - and yet he kind of looks like someone who would fix toilets for a living. He is also, without a doubt, one the finest tweeters of our time.

Constantly tweeting images of potential UFOs, defending Justin Bieber’s tagging (“Tag on little brother. Tag the world”) and expressing gratitude at the little things in life (“I love maps”), his twitter is well worth a look. Basically, the guy seems like a genius. A genius that stars in every huge blockbuster ever and seems to take it all very seriously, no matter how bad the movie is. So without further ado, here is a brief break down of, in my humble opinion, the worst and weirdest (aka greatest of all-time) Russell Crowe roles.

1) Noah Crowe’s latest “conveniently allowed to keep his big beard” role is in Noah, a very serious biblical epic where God tells Russ he’s going to CTRL + ALT + DEL the world with a big flood. The growing conflict that Noah feels between his faith and his family is adequately expressed through Russ’s Oscar-winning eyebrows, and his beard and hairstyle evolution throughout the film should win some sort of Wella award.

Acting alongside giant inexplicable rock monsters, Crowe isn’t actually really that bad. But it’s a pretty bad movie so it’s hard to gauge. He briefly gets his butt out just like the time he rode a horse naked in Hammers Over The Anvil (1991), a scene that I do not recommend watching in public.

2) Les Miserables Russell Crowe plays antagonist Javert, a police officer hell-bent on getting convict

Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman) punished for being the better-looking and more-ripped Australian actor. The best part about this whole movie is that it introduced Russell Crowe’s singing voice to the world. He doesn’t so much sing as shout with what sounds like a loaf of bread wedged in his throat. Accent-wise, Crowe maintains a very strong Australian twang for early 19th century France. His character spends most of his time tip-toeing precariously along the edges of buildings. This dangerous habit finally culminates in his incredibly heavy-handed (spoiler) suicide. Keep an ear out during this scene, the foley artist does some real back-breaking work…

3) Winter’s Tale First of all, Crowe plays a bowler-hatwearing devil character called Pearly. If that doesn’t have your attention already, please read on. Set in decidedly “olden-times”, Pearly is a time-travelling demon who has been “blackening souls and crushing miracles” since time began.

Russell Crowe spends a lot of time rifling through a tray of magic gems. In one scene he slices a waiter’s throat for not having owl on the menu and then does some art with his blood. His boss (I’m going to spoil things further because you are never actually going to watch this) is Lucifer himself, played by Will Smith (who inexplicably wears a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt in 1915). This movie makes absolutely no sense, and I am 100% convinced Russell Crowe thought it was all actually happening around him.

4) Man of Steel Russell Crowe plays Superman’s baby daddy Jor-El, who glides around on his spaceship wearing a chainmail wetsuit with handy attached cape. He gets killed pretty early on, but due to the same hologram technology that brought back Tupac for Coachella, pops up throughout the movie to keep the plot moving along.

The true magic of this role lies in this heart-warming piece of IMDB trivia: Russell Crowe is the second Oscar winner to portray Jor-El after Marlon Brando in the original 1978 Superman. During his brief musical career under the name “Russ Le Roq”, Crowe released a song entitled "I want to be like Marlon Brando". Follow your dreams. Tag the world.

5) The Man With The Iron Fists In another strong role for his beard, Crowe dons a lace shawl and plays a mysterious character called Mr Jack Knife.

This manic kung-fu homage is about as confused and bloated as Crowe himself.

But that’s what you get when you let RZA (the leader of the Wu-Tang Clan) direct a movie. Seems like it would be awesome, but is naturally sort of a disaster.

It is reported that Crowe’s character was inspired by late Wu-Tang member “Ol’ Dirty Bastard”, who even receives his own musical motif in the film reminiscent of their hit track Shimmy Shimmy Ya. To prep Crowe for a one-take scene, RZA made him listen repeatedly to Shame on a N*****, which Ol’ Dirty Bastard allegedly recorded in one take. Imagine Russell Crowe rocking out really seriously to some Wu-Tang! Oscar winning.

So there you have it, Russell Crowe has had one of the weirdest careers ever and the world continues to love him for it. Of course there’s the “good” stuff like Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, and L.A Confidential, but he doesn’t sing in any of those so don’t bother. Let us just forget about the time he threw a phone at someone, and bask in his unrelenting devotion to his roles and his craft. May he always don a beard, a skirt and sword and forever be a battler on our cinema screens. And just one more message from the man himself via twitter: “Hey, how are you? You look great.” Awesome.

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REVIEWS

Do your strong opinions drive away your friends? Send us an email at mcattin@aut.ac.nz to contribute to our reviews section.

The Luminaries Novel Eleanor Catton

Reviewed by Ethan Sills It has been months now since The Luminaries was published and then won the Man Booker Prize, so this review may seem a tad delayed. However, it is telling of its sudden popularity that it took months for me to receive my copy from the library behind 2,000 other people, and it is a testament to its heftiness that it took some time to properly digest this mind-bending literary masterpiece.

While it is an excellent book, it is also an extremely difficult one to describe within my word limit. It is inspired by the lunar cycle, and is split into 12 parts after the zodiac signs, each one half the length of the one before in similar representation – I think. I am sure it was well researched and serves an added metaphoric layer, but you probably need the same level of astrology knowhow to properly decipher its meanings. Beneath that we have the story itself,

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire DVD Directed by: Francis Lawrence Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth

a complex tale comprising of 20 interwoven noteworthy characters, all with exquisitely detailed back stories and all with something to contribute.

On January 27 1866, Walter Moody arrives in Hokitika, ready to try gold prospecting as he overcomes a familial betrayal. Arriving at the Crown Hotel, Walter stumbles across a curious meeting between 12 men. Here, we learn about the mysteries currently plaguing the town; 13 days prior, a wealthy young man disappeared, a whore tried to commit suicide and a hermit was found dead. Throw in a scarred man bearing two names, a troubled politician keeping secrets and an unexpected fortune and you have yourself one enthralling, perplexing and addictive mystery.

However, when you finish this massive novel, it feels as though solving the mystery is not the point of reaching the last page. The point Catton seems to have hidden between the lines is almost as confusing as its sprawling central crime. It is a book that seems to be both about and not about its characters, it’s a story that wants you to solve the mystery and never fully wraps it up as one may expect. The astrological detailing and zodiac signs add to the confusion, as each chapter begins with a star chart of sorts, but not learned in the ways of star signs, I have no idea what, if any, purpose they serve.

In the end, The Luminaries seems to be a love story, both between characters and about what we invest in books; a story about stories, if you will. The mystery is engrossing, one you struggle to put down, and to see how everything fits together is immensely satisfying. Catton has brilliant prose and an excellent eye for detail, and this is one of the best written novels I have ever read. I will simply warn prospective readers that The Luminaries does not end as smoothly or excitingly as one may hope, but it is a damn fine ride getting there.

President Snow pulls out the ultimate revenge; a special 75th anniversary, or Quarter Quell, Hunger Games that sees the tributes selected from the past victors, forcing Katniss to return as she is the only female victor from her District.

It has only been a few years since The Hunger Games was released as a book, but already the trilogy and its movie adaptations have shaken up both the worlds of book and film. Book adaptations are nothing new, but what is rare is to have a movie that is slightly better then its source material. Catching Fire proved a smoother and better adaptation than its predecessor, and picked up elements from the story and twisted them around, taking us outside of what Collins wrote and adding in little details, such as the conversations between Snow and new Gamemaker Plutarch Heavensbee.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills Dystopian teen fiction has usurped wizards and vampires as the latest literary rage, which means that it has also become the hot new teen-flick property.

With Divergent coming out soon and The Maze Runner in cinemas around September, here’s a brief look back to the franchise that kick started this craze, for better or for worse.

Catching Fire picks up several months after Katniss and Peeta survived the Hunger Games, and the pair find themselves still faking a relationship in order to keep themselves alive. They embark on the Victory Tour, a way of ensuring the residents of Panem never forget about the games, but Katniss’ defiance has sparked a revolution, and she bears witness to the many angry residents who now have hope of overthrowing the controlling regime. In retaliation,

The main problem that I have is that it does stick very close to the book in certain areas, and, as such, picks up quite a few of its problems. The book’s ending is horrifically rushed and brushed over, and while the movie slows things down a bit it still sticks to the very rushed conclusion and left me feeling a bit unimpressed when I left the cinemas all those months ago.

Catching Fire is out on DVD now, conveniently before Divergent is released (the two are made by the same studio), and if you are one of the few people who hasn’t seen this then it is well worth watching. The lack of the awful shaky cam from the first film makes for better direction and a better picture, and it does give me hopes that they can fix the train wreck of a third act that we were given in Mockingjay; just a shame they are going along the ‘split the last book’ route. Quite ironic for a book that is rather anti-capitalism to have its movie adaptations turned into a money making machine?

(P.S. YouTube the Honest Trailer for this for a guaranteed laugh - you shall not be disappointed).

I was first introduced to Kodaline last year. The song was All I Want and the video was unplugged, acoustic and glorious. Them harmonies, that percussion, all them feels… I was sold. I tracked down their EP and later their album and got my listen on.

Kodaline Concert Live at The Powerstation

They are a little more... How do I say this… Boy band? Than what I usually listen to. Perhaps if The Fray went to Ireland and learnt to harmonise, you would end up with something like Kodaline. But their pop hooks proved strong and my will is weak for the Irish. I bought tickets, and had a great night out.

I’m always a little dubious as to how well the prettier bands will come across live, but I’m pleased to say Kodaline were pretty bloody good. As a frontman, Steve Garrigan seemed a bit stumped for banter sometimes, but he was humble and lovely and his accent made me swoon. He also proved to be quite the multi-instrumentalist, switching from guitar, to piano, to mandolin and harmonica between songs. Well played.

Photo by Amelia Petrovich

by Matthew Cattin

It was a spur of the moment decision to venture to Kodaline last week, a decision I definitely don’t regret. The Irish heart throbs aren’t my usual jam I must admit – but holy hot cakes are their tunes catchy. Oh, and they’re Irish…

Highlights for me included the foot-stomping and energetic Love Like This, an emotional singalong to High Hopes and a surprising and brilliant cover of Sam Cooke’s legendary Bring It on Home to Me. Asking the audience to click along, the band came to front of stage and performed a beautiful rendition of the soul classic. I think the tweenies were a bit stumped, but for me it was the highlight. In four part harmony and accompanied by nought but an acoustic guitar, the band played it unplugged and intimate – brilliant effort.

If you’re Irish, I want you. There is no exception to that rule. When I hear Irish folk walking down the street, I will turn on my heel and follow them at an awkwardly close distance, marvelling in their accents and weeping internally that I don’t have the courage to tell them how I feel. So when a band of four, babein Irish lads (or, roooiiiiides) sound as good as they look, well I pretty much feel like God spat in my face.

The song on everyone’s bucket list though was the rousing All I Want, by far the band’s most successful hit, and rightly so. Saving it for the encore, it was the perfect way to finish the show, and with an extended reprisal of the song’s beautiful climax, it proved to be one of the best sing-alongs I’ve seen at a gig. After many thanks and promises to return, off they went. I s’pose I’ll see where album two takes them before seeing them again, but for a last minute decision, it was a pretty damn good Sunday night out.

Short Term 12

I thought it would be nice to experience something a little more low key than your average movie-going experience.

Directed by: Destin Cretton Starring: Brie Larson, Frantz Turner, John Gallagher Jr.

The film centres around Grace, a mentor at ‘Short Term 12’, a facility that tends to children on probation until they turn 18. The next inmate to leave is Marcus, a troubled but poetic rapper coming off years of child abuse. As we lead towards that, two things happen that alter Grace’s life; she learns she is pregnant to her lovable boyfriend and colleague Mason, and new girl Jayden enters the facility with her own secrets hidden beneath a veil of sarcasm. The two events force Grace to re-examine her life and her own troubled past as she finds herself looking to the future with no idea what it will hold.

What could have been a fairly melodramatic and preachy movie was saved

by Brie Larson’s incredible performance as Grace. Most of Larson’s previous roles have been in comedies, such as playing the daughter and best character in United States of Tara, but she really holds her own here as the determined but troubled care worker. The big downside of the focus on Grace is that a lot of other elements got shoved aside, specifically Marcus, whose storyline reaches intense levels before quietly and weirdly wrapping up.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills It has been a year since this was released in the US, but only recently has Short Term 12 made it to our shores. A bit pitiful that it has taken so long to come out here, but at least we are getting some independent, higher quality films released here instead of being cast aside to straight-to-DVD. As such,

They also made use of some very excellent child actors. Usually I really hate the kids in TV shows or movies, who usually are either annoyingly precocious or deal with subject matter the actors cannot properly handle. The actors in this case did a great job, Jayden a particular highlight, though the roles themselves bothered me as they did feel like ‘troubled kid’ stereotypes; the sarcastic, indifferent girl, the black guy who shares his soul through rap, they even have the ‘trouble-making Latino kid’ – not exactly the most inventive group of characters but it at least feels original.

I doubt it will remain in theatres very long, but if you get the chance Short Term 12 is a pleasant enough movie; one that is at times too typical of its genre, but is worth seeing for Larson’s performance and Grace’s full circle storyline.

Move aside J-Law, Brie Larson is about to be the next big thing.

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https://www.flickr.com/photos/loufi/

Do I Come Here Often?

by Amelia Petrovich It’s not often that I get to evoke jealousy in people who are more than likely complete strangers to me, but can we just talk for a second about last week when I had the best date of my entire life?

So there I am in a stuffy bedroom drowning in essays and I haven’t seen the sun in like two days - no, three days now because I’m looking out the window and the sun is rapidly setting with the Auckland sky turning as black and bleak as my soul. Everything is pretty friggin’ depressing, and I’m settling down for a long and drawn out night when WHAM, the date happens.

I skip merrily down the road and they don’t even mind if I have my headphones in with music blaring the whole time. We don’t talk much, or at all really, yet when I bail out of getting Burger Fuel in favour of spending $5 at New World there is no complaining. Heck, I don’t even get mocked for choosing a slightly adventurous (ie feral-looking) tofu seaweed salad at the deli counter. We spend ages across the road from the train station as I try to figure out why that weird rock that's on fire stops being on fire as soon as I am near enough to take a photo (I am hoping to god someone reading this knows what I’m talking about).

Then, after sitting in serene silence down by the harbour I go back home. It wasn’t much, but it was exactly what I wanted. I needed a walk and I needed the ocean. The entire night was all about me. It was selfish and it was perfect because… …I WAS MY OWN DATE!! (#plottwist)

That was an incredibly long-winded intro and I am very, very sorry but the key idea here is a simple and highly appealing one. We, as young human beings who may or may not get lonely sometimes, should definitely begin to value our own company and take ourselves out on dates.

Now I’m not saying we should ditch legitimate dates or outings in favour of solo forays into the unknown (or even just to the start of Britomart and back), because socializing is heaps of fun. But you know those times when everyone else is out and you’re at home feeling sorry for yourself? DON’T! Stop that! You are one lucky bugger because you have the capacity to take yourself on the best date of all time!

and you never have to explain your logic to anyone.

Self-dates are such fantastic things because it’s absolutely okay to make the whole day/ night completely about you. It eliminates the troublesome second person - and they are troublesome sometimes aren’t they? Sometimes, just sometimes, ‘people’ are the absolute worst. They expect things from you; drinks, food, pleasant conversation, a jacket when it gets cold, maybe a goodnight kiss (eww) and the whole expectation game is a hard one to keep up with. See, if you are on your own self-date you are never going to expect anything that you aren’t going to be able to give, are you?

Really though, I just want you all to know that you are a person worthy of spoiling. If there’s no one you know that’s keen to hang out with you right now then that’s their loss, you can still get out there and rock the city (or the farm, or the suburb, or wherever you currently are) all on your own. Take a minute to sit down and ask yourself what it is that you really feel like getting up to. There are no wrong answers here; whatever you feel like doing is acceptable (national and local legal restraints permitting of course). Then, suck it up and just do it. As a society right now we are so scared of being alone, or of being seen to be alone. Everyone walks around glued to their phones, slurping up data in an effort to ‘stay connected’.

And let’s be honest, nobody puts up with your shit quite like you do.

Where the heck else was I going to find someone who wouldn’t laugh at me for thinking that tofu and sea-gunge might make a legitimately satisfying meal? Who else out there would hang around that damn firerock installation to satisfy my insatiable need for Instagram pics? Self-dating opens up a world of tolerance and instant understanding

Do you feel like walking from Countdown to Pak n Save to compare confectionary prices?

Do it.

Feel like stopping at a pet store for half an hour and staring at guinea pigs?

Go for it.

The world might judge you, but you won’t judge you.

Buddy, you are never going to be disconnected ever… Because you have probably the coolest person of all time hanging out with you right this second. Go on, make your day! Self-dates are where it’s at.

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