Debate issue 16

debate ISSUE 16 | AUGUST 2014

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debate ISSUE 16 | AUGUST 2014 facebook.com/ausmdebate

COVER

by Ramina Rai EDITOR Matthew Cattin matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz SUB EDITORS Laurien Barks | Kieran Bennett DESIGN/ART Ramina Rai ramina.rai@aut.ac.nz CONTRIBUTORS Charan Mohanakrishnan | Clint Milne | Ethan Sills | Jess Forsman | Jason Walls | Laurien Barks | Kieran Bennett | Matt Neary | ILLUSTRATION & PHOTOGRAPHY Emily Parr | Ramina Rai | Matthew Cattin ADVERTISING CONTACT Kate Lin kate.lin@aut.ac.nz PRINTER PMP Print Ltd. PUBLISHER AuSM all rights reserved

This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUCKLAND STUDENT MOVEMENT AT AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY INCORPORATED (“AuSM”). Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AuSM.

DISCLAIMER Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AuSM, its advertisers, contributors, PMP Print or its subsidiaries.

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3

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SUB-EDITORIALS Laurien Hey all, I’m Laurien Barks, the slightly less attractive of the two new sub-editors over here at debate. I’ve been an overly attached contributor since the day I was introduced to this lovely mag, and am beyond excited to have this glorious new role in bringing the paper child to life each week.

I have to say, the fact that I feel like I belong in this new office after just a few days is mind blowing to me. I feel incredibly welcome and already a part of a sassy little magazine-making gang. It’s actually a bit surreal. I’ve always been the kind of person who takes a while to warm up to new people and environments. I’ve been redefining the phrase ‘taking things slow’ since I was a wee girl, and while I’ve accepted it as a way of life, it’s never really been the most dignity-preserving strategy around.

When I first moved to New Zealand from Canada six years ago, I was thrown into the deep end of a brand new college. Having grown up on the countryside in Canada, I’d known everyone in my life from the age of five.

Coming across someone and not having any knowledge of their last name, dog’s name, or at least two generations of their ancestral history was a rare shock to the system, and usually took at least a week to recover from. But here I was, in a new country, with new classmates, and surrounded by new accents and lingo that I had no hope of understanding, let alone engaging with.

My privileged lifestyle of having friends handed to me at an early age left me with a social impairment that took me months to overcome. I spoke approximately eight words per day, arrived early to class to ensure a seat

Kieran Hello everyone, I’ve been at this job for four days now. It’s Thursday and the magazine has to go to print at some point today. And so of course I am writing my half of this week’s editorial today. I have learned so much from Matthew.

Anyway, my name is Kieran and along with Laurien, I will be one of sub-editors for debate this semester. It would be something of an understatement to say I’m excited to do this job. When I found out I got it, I wet myself slightly more than I usually do. Already I have had the opportunity to brainstorm for the year ahead, write about food (which I’m a big fan of), join Tinder (Kieran; 21; live,laugh,love; #nodrama; swipe right ladies) and eat Korean food for the first time. All without some entitled businesswoman telling me I know nothing about coffee. So I’m considering that a win.

The team here at AUSM has been nothing but welcoming. Usually when you

in the back corner, and hid in the bathroom at lunch in order to avoid the perfectly lovely girls who were trying to befriend me. After hearing all of that, it might be difficult to believe that I did not, in fact, have many people out there willing to watch my back and show me the ropes of college in New Zealand.

Uniforms were new to me. I was used to wearing jeans and a sweatshirt to school and brushing my hair was optional. Now I not only had to figure out how to do my hair, but I had to deal with two kinds of uniforms. The standard one wasn’t so bad, I quickly learned how to wear and style it properly. It was the P.E. uniform that caused me problems. When I’m unfamiliar with a concept, my go-to references are photos and illustrations. So when I wasn’t sure how to wear my P.E. uniform, I simply copied the picture of the kid in the college advertisement flyer; shorts pulled up to the waist, shirt tucked in, socks high, and running shoes clean. I’m not the most observational person around, so it took me nearly two weeks to register the fact that my classmates’ shorts were sitting considerably lower than mine, their shirts were loose and relaxed, their shoes were non-existent, and they’re mouths were covered in a sad attempt to mask their jeering laughter at my expense.

While I deserved every bit of mockery, and wound up developing a few friend-making skills from the entire experience, it still stings a little. So as you embark on a new week at uni, keep an eye out for the foreigner with questionable dress sense and take them under your wing. They’re probably just trying to belong.

Just be careful not to confuse the fashion-needy with the hipsters.

All the love, Laurien

start a new job, there’s a really awkward period of about a week where you’re afraid to sneeze without applying for permission from HR and you can’t actually hold a conversation with anyone because you’re the ‘new guy’. At my first job there was a bewildering period where I knew nothing (Jon Snow) and didn’t understand half of what everyone was talking about. It wasn’t helped by the fact that I kind of hated my job, but a job is a job when you’re a student.

Now I genuinely look forward to coming to work and I’m hoping that throughout the semester there’s going to be at least one time where someone other than my dad laughs at my jokes. Now, normally these introduction pieces end on an invitation to approach the person doing the introduction with ideas, greetings and gifts of food in real life. I invite you to not do that. There is a reason why I spend all my time in an office on my computer…

Instead I invite you to send letters, angsty poems, stories of overwhelming complexity and racist rants to debate.

Unless you have food, then you can visit.

Kieran

5

HOROSCOPES.

Meat Keema Balls

by Jess Forsman

by Charan Mohanakrishnan

LEO JULY 24- AUG 23 One of the biggest decisions of your life will take place this week. It will take all of your strength and the support of the entire pride. You will have to deal with the consequences if you make one bad move. Good luck on your mission on deciding what to have for lunch.

VIRGO AUG 24- SEP 23 Solve all problems with Nerf battles this week. You will be victorious until you decide to battle it out with a lecturer, but you will become friends with security.

LIBRA SEP 24- OCT 23 It is okay to lay your head upon the ground and watch the clouds go by. It is not okay to do this in a lecture theatre…

There are no clouds.

SCORPIO OCT 24- NOV 22 This week you will study like no one has ever studied before!

You will know the ins and outs of the subject at hand and everyone will hail you as the god of random facts. Will this help your actual degree? Nope… But you will win the pub quiz this week.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23- DEC 22 Serious week, there are people to see, pints to drink, laughter to be had, smiles to be shared and love is in the air. You will enjoy this sometime after the semester is over.

CAPRICORN DEC 23- JAN 20 Casual is your thing. You can casually get up and get ready.

You can casually have a drink or two. However, casually strolling in 20 minutes after a lecture has started will lose many friends and marks.

Ingredients •

150 grams of minced lamb, goat, or beef • 2 whole dry red chillies (you can add more or less depending on spice preference) • 1 tablespoon roasted chana dal • 5 cashew nuts • 1 tablespoon of fennel seeds • 1 onion

PROCEDURE

AQUARIUS JAN 21- FEB 19 Positive reinforcement is wonderful. You positively reinforce the fact you do not like your in-laws this week.

PISCES FEB 20- MAR 20 Harden up.

ARIES MARCH 21- APRIL 20 Be as stubborn as you like this week, your bank account will still show the balance in the red. It doesn’t matter how much you refuse to believe it.

CANCER JUNE 22- JULY 23 Have your cake and eat it too. It is winter and the insulation will stop you from being a shivering mess.

TAURUS APRIL 21 – MAY 21 You need to calm down on the ole possessive thing you got going on this week. You are usually very generous and giving.

But this week you are a little cray on people using your stuff to the point where insults will be used and things will be thrown. Bro, it is only a pen.

GEMINI MAY 22- JUNE 21 The world seems to be spinning far too quickly, you feel like you can’t stand on your own two feet and everything seems to be in twos. It is time to put that drink down sweetheart.

• 3 cloves of garlic 1 tablespoon of grated ginger • 1 whole cardamom pod • ½ inch of one cinnamon stick • 1 whole clove • 1 egg • A few curry leaves • Salt to taste • A pinch of turmeric powder • 250 millilitres of oil for deep frying

•

1) Heat one teaspoon of oil in a frying pan at a medium high temperature.

2) Once the oil is hot, gradually add the cinnamon, cardamom, clove, curry leaves, grated ginger and onions. Sauté together for 2 minutes.

3) Add the chillies and cashew nuts and sauté with the spices until the chillies are cooked.

4) Add the fennel seeds and the roasted chana dal. Sauté until aromatic, then remove from heat and set aside until cool.

5) Once cool, place the roasted ingredients into a blender and grind them into a paste. *Note: Do not add water 6) Once the spice paste has been made, add it to the minced meat along with a pinch of turmeric powder and salt to taste. Mix well.

7) In a separate bowl, whip the egg until frothy and then add to the meat/spice mixture.

8)

Using your hands, shape the meat into 2cm balls.

9) In a separate sauce pan, heat the 250ml of oil at a medium high temperature.

10) One by one, drop the balls into the hot oil, maintaining the medium high heat.

11) brown.

Rotate the balls at regular intervals until they are a deep golden

12) Remove the meat balls from the oil and serve hot with your choice of dipping sauce (tomato sauce is highly recommended).

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3/07/13 3:37 PM

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7

A GRINGO Mud,Bugs & Tortoise Tacos

by Matt Neary The jungle in Bolivia beckoned; a three day tour in the wetlands they call the Pampas to swim with pink dolphins, search for anacondas, and fish for piranhas. Well we didn’t see an anaconda, and I accidentally kicked a dolphin while treading water (which led to shear panic and girly yelping on my part and an obvious disinterest in playing with me from the dolphin’s side), but god damn am I good at catching piranhas.

The four day planned stay in the jungle and the launch town of Rurrenabaque got complicated when I spontaneously signed up to spend five days living off the jungle with a local Spanishspeaking tribesman. Despite probably being the messiah of fishing, it is too slow a sport for me, but in the jungle it kind of becomes a necessity.

The strategy is basically search for larvae in tiny rotting coconuts, which I also ate (it wasn’t as good as Timone and Pumba make out), use them to catch a small fish, use that fish to catch a bigger fish and if you can, use the bigger fish to catch an even bigger one. At night we slept in pre-built leaf huts on the ground. I had just the one pair of clothes which I slept in and a mosquito net, plus some kind of scraggly rag that only served to keep you off the dirt. Oh and termites taste like menthol. You gotta keep your breath fresh in the jungle somehow.

Day one, no fish, it was getting late. I was still getting used to drinking the water from the river which was not only murky brown but containing soot with every mouthful. Nonetheless it was tasty and my daily morning ritual of slight diarrhoea (which it no doubt brought on) lasted only slightly more than a week, which for South America I consider a raging success. We’d been sitting unsuccessfully for hours tossing our hand lines into the river when finally a huge bugger yanked the line. In I pulled the accidental and disappointing catch - a tortoise. Upon bringing it ashore, it must of had a vision of seeing its 30 babies grow up because it gripped the sand with a Hercules-like strength, causing the line to pull taut to the point of the hook coming lose, the sinker shooting out of the darkness and cracking me just above the eye. I had a cute little war wound, and Lazaro my guide found it utterly hilarious so I guess it’s not all bad. That determined reptile sadly met its end soon after and I’m not proud of it. A second time upon pulling in my eagerly awaited catch, the beady head of the tortoise greeted my from the water’s edge. After some back and forth attempts to understand Lazaro’s shouting from a rock 10 metres away I realised Tortcules was dinner, and I was the reluctant butcher. I only had a small knife, and without revealing the details, my brutish attempts to end its life quickly were not met with anywhere close to success. Enter

machete-wielding guide and four or five solid hacks at its rubbery neck and the poor beast was beheaded. I shit you not its arms were still flailing half an hour later as it roasted on our beach fire. When cooked, Lazaro cracked it in half and we both held half a shell like a tortoise taco, reaching in and ripping out bits of chewy flesh and who knows what else. It was dinner, jungle style.

The next few days we had more success with fishing, relatively. My luck with the piranhas didn’t translate so well, a perceived clever attempt to climb a fallen tree overhanging the wide river to get to a good spot was followed by me dropping the hand line in the water as I tried to cast. There was a split second of bemused staring before I leapt in after it, fully clothed, but the line was gone instantly in the strong current. Then the next day I threw a monster cast out into the river, glancing at Lazaro with a wry smirk to see if he noticed that it went even further than his. Pity then it had too much slack and got stuck under a log, making me a useless companion as he told me to wait in case a fish came and took it. Lazaro went to a better spot with his line and I took the opportunity to try and dry my clothes, which were damp from the knee-deep mud that was trying to swallow me with every step. The beach mosquitoes and

ABROAD

flies pounced on the banquet of my exposed near-naked body for far too long before Lazaro called me over; between the flying bugs and the biting ants whose bodies split in half before their vice grip released whatever they sunk their teeth into, I would be itching my wounds for the next fortnight. I went to my master and helped pull in a truly gigantic catfish, which when cooked that night was undoubtedly the best fish I’ve ever had in my life. I sat there pulling every piece of meat off its carcass, then sat sharing cigarettes and the little whisky Lazaro had in his small milk bottle around the fire. With a full belly, we tried to communicate in broken Spanish while the bugs of the jungle hummed all around and the deep groan of the river lulled me into absolute tranquillity.

By this time I was looking pretty ridiculous; I had a feather poked out of my ear, a hat made of flax, a shell necklace and a large water holder made from bamboo, all things I’d watched Lazaro whip up from the resources the jungle provides in absolutely no time at all. By the end of the day, the only thing left in one piece was the water holder. A typically brisk morning hike to another area greeted us soon after the sun rose, with the traditional chewing of coca leaves giving another great buzz that made it easy to push through the heat. Up ahead however, a huge storm slowly

rolled towards us. Birds sparkled out of the trees above, the thunder sparking a melancholic air as the relentless mosquitoes and utterly awful biting ants disappeared entirely.

We took a quick breather under a tree as the rain began to pelt us but I was utterly wrong in thinking that was as bad as it would get. In front of us was a log which served as a bridge across one of the many stagnant streams which I had crossed over the last few days without any trouble. With that success I was feeling a bit like Indiana Jones but in the rain and the chaos, I slipped off a few steps in, landing chest deep in the water just as the rain turned torrential. Gone was my beautiful tribal hat and feather ear piece, along with any patch of dry clothing left on my body. When I scrambled back up onto the log, my inner feral tribesman came out, charging through the jungle echoing the ridiculous jeers and animal sounds that Lazaro was always making, just to fight through the downpour with a functional level of morale.

Eventually - and freezing cold at this point - we arrived at the hut we stayed in the first two nights, meeting two English girls who were also doing survivor with their guide and seeking shelter.

Speaking English felt like cheating but we didn’t have a lot of time to acquaint. A subtle cracking of wood prompted all five of us to madly dash

out of the hut as a large tree crashed to the ground behind us, just missing the tiny tepee shaped hut. Wisely, the guides took us to an old timber building the local tribesman used to live in.

It was elevated above the soggy jungle ground, albeit with missing pieces of the rotting timber floor and half walls which left us exposed to the cold.

Lazaro and I were meant to build a raft out of driftwood that day and sail down the large River Beni to our final pickup spot but instead I spent the next 20 hours huddled around a fire drying my soaked clothes and frozen body, bantering with my new friends and waiting for morning where warm food and a boat back to civilization awaited.

Not really what I would call surviving, however the night was notably bitterly freezing so at least I got a bit more of the unpleasantness that I signed up for. I later found out the storm and the cold front it brought about was a once a year event.

While biding our time in the hut, the guide made a tribal ink from some seeds, for doing henna-like tattoos. He promptly rubbed it over my hands before I could protest, meaning I looked like an oil worker for the next two weeks. Cheers Lazaro. I got a cool forearm tattoo though which was made up of symbols documenting my time in the jungle; amongst them a sun, the river, a fish, and most notably, a tortoise.

9

A RELEPHANT C A U S E Interview by Matthew Cattin

Photos by Emily Parr

Fine Arts student Emily Parr kindly speaks to debate about her passion for elephant welfare, volunteering in Thailand and, most importantly, what we need to know about elephant tourism.

How did you first become concerned for the welfare of elephants?

I’ve always had a special love for animals, but I spent years in a state of what I like to call intended ignorance. Knowing the truth about how parts of this world work can be really painful, so I did my best to avoid it. But you can’t make the world any better if you don’t find out what’s wrong with it in the first place. My first real introduction to elephants came when I volunteered on the Surin Project last year.

The Project aims to improve the living conditions of captive Asian elephants, while providing their mahouts (elephant keepers) with a sustainable income. I was travelling around Thailand and felt like the Project would be a great experience – although I had no idea how eye-opening and life changing it would be, to be clichéd. When I arrived in the village I was so excited about seeing elephants for the first time, but it was blind excitement. As soon as I learned about the effects the tourist industry has on elephants, there was no going back.

What sort of conditions are the elephants kept in?

The life of a captive Asian elephant is far from what it would have been in the wild, where it would be roaming in the forest for 18 hours and eating 10 per cent of its bodyweight every day. Elephants are not domesticated – they are and will always be wild animals, so in captivity they must be kept under control. When they aren’t working, they are chained up at all times. Usually this is by two feet or more, and sometimes also by the neck. As a result, many sway back and forth repetitively as a coping mechanism.

This is a behaviour that can be seen in many captive animals, including in zoos. The elephant’s mahout controls their food intake, and often this is dictated by money, as feeding an elephant is hugely expensive. Hence tourism is so vital to both the mahouts and their elephants.

Why can’t they all just go back into the wild?

There isn’t enough wild left – 70 per cent of Thailand was deforested before the 1989 logging ban.

Habitat destruction is the only threat to the wild Asian elephant. Personally, I would love to see captive elephants moved to sanctuaries where they can behave naturally, roaming in herds, eating all the time. Ideally the mahouts could remain employed, because for many, caring for elephants is their way of life. That’s somewhat of a pipe dream right now, because there isn’t the land, laws, money, or drive to make it happen. But I have hope for it happening one day.

Judging by a huge influx of pictures I see on social media, elephant tourism seems tobe booming in Asia. Is this accurate? If so, why is it becoming so popular?

Absolutely, riding an elephant seems to be one of the quintessential tourist experiences in Asia. It’s popular because there is a major lack of awareness of the negative effects some types of tourism can have on elephants. I think part of the popularity is what you’ve already mentioned – pictures on social media. People are so obsessed with raking in the likes on their travel photos that they don’t think about what they’re actually doing to get the photo.

But I think the main reason people get on elephants is because they’re seeking a connection between themselves and an incredible animal, for which I don’t blame them. I just wish tourists would choose an experience that can both provide them with that connection, as well as not being harmful to the elephant. That being said, recently there has been a major shift in the attitudes and awareness of Western tourists. More and more travel companies are recommending sanctuaries or volunteer opportunities rather than treks or circuses. People are talking and learning, which is awesome.

You’re in Thailand at the moment – what are you up to over there?

I’m in Thailand for six weeks as part of my research project, learning as much as I can about elephants, mahouts, and the complexities of their situation. The intended outcome is a film.

That’s all I can tell you for now so watch this space!

What do tourists need to know?

Ah – this is the tough part, here goes. Every elephant that you come into contact with has been trained so that contact is possible. There are never exceptions, although some may have been trained with less brutal methods. Babies are separated from their mothers at around age two or three to begin the training process, which is traumatic for both. A popular (but not universal) method is the crush; the baby is put into a cramped cage and beaten by a group of people with metal bullhooks, sticks with nails, anything sharp. The beating will stop when the baby’s crying stops – as its spirit has been broken into submission. For the rest of its working life it will be a source of income, performing in circuses, used for riding or trekking, street begging, or illegal logging.

Elephants’ spines are not built to take the weight of a riding basket and several people, despite how comfortable they may look. Their tusks may be cut off to be sold as ivory, feeding the trade that is currently decimating the African elephant population at an estimated rate of 36,000 per year. Once it is retired or becomes unemployed, it will likely remain solitary in chains until its death, deprived of the social interaction a herd would have provided it with in the wild.

Could you tell me about sustainable elephant tourism?

Elephant tourism is a business, and while the mahouts care for the elephants, often they don’t own them. The business owners’ priority is making money, so push for the training process to be sped up, requiring more force. Having talked to several wonderful mahouts, it’s clear that things have not always been like this, and have come to be this way through the demands of the tourist industry. There are some really great alternative forms of ecotourism available that provide interaction with elephants without exploiting them. Save Elephant Foundation runs several projects, including Elephant Nature

Park (a sanctuary) and the Surin Project. The Surin Project relies on volunteers to sustain itself, and I couldn’t recommend it highly enough! Other places to visit include Boon Lott’s Elephant Sanctuary, and BEES (also a sanctuary). However, the division between sustainable/unsustainable elephant tourism is complicated. Change needs to happen slowly, to ensure that both the elephants and mahouts are supported. Be careful about who you boycott – mahouts need an income to feed their family and elephant. Say, for example, (being fully informed) you were on a trek with an elephant ride included, you could request the basket be removed and ride bareback on the neck, or even walk alongside them.

If the elephant doesn’t have the stress on its spine, gets to walk off chains for a while in the forest and have a swim, then it’s not so bad on the spectrum of badness. It doesn’t nail good though, especially when there are so many better alternatives available.

Do any of your experiences with the elephants stand out as particularly special?

I have many! Watching them interact with their friends, and observing their individual personalities is always so cool. Having an elephant look at you is also very special. But if I had to choose one it would be this day; I was in the river with my two favourite elephants (don’t you dare tell the others), I had just scrubbed the mud off them while they splashed around. I sat down in the water right in front of them and looked up at them as they stood, and the awe just hit me.

Here I was sitting under two giant creatures, whom I trusted wholeheartedly not to hurt me, despite the hurt done to them and their species. They never cease to amaze me.

What are the benefits of volunteering abroad?

Volunteering abroad can be hugely beneficial for projects and also yourself, but be wary of your motives. If you are open to learning about how other people live, the challenges they face, and what you can realistically contribute, then go for it. Choose volunteer opportunities carefully, as many are focused on making money, and learn to recognise when your ‘help’ is actually detrimental. Do your research and choose a project that’s working towards something sustainable that truly benefits its community. If something makes you passionate then make it happen, because it may just be the best thing you ever do!

Tell me about your website, The Chain Reaction?

I started The Chain Reaction because I felt I have a responsibility to do my part in raising awareness of animal welfare issues – I can’t stay silent. At the moment it’s mostly elephant focused, but this will extend gradually. I’m doing my Honours in Fine Arts this year, so the best way I know how to communicate is through artistic methods. While it’s very much in its baby stages, The Chain Reaction will be a platform from which to share films, photographs, and other forms of information. It will eventually make its way onto social media, so keep an eye out. In the meantime, you can check out www.thechainreaction.net What can kiwis do to help?

More than you’d think! Do your research when travelling, and keep in mind that cruelty is not limited to elephant tourism, but all wildlife tourism (Tiger Temples, Sea World, etc.). Fundraise or donate to causes striving to improve animal welfare. Most importantly – spread the word!

11

I do, i do, i do, i do, i do

by Laurien Barks Society has always had a lot to say about marriage. Especially when the tradition doesn’t play by the rules of what has previously been deemed ‘correct.’

How many narrow-minded headlines, bullies, or family feuds have we witnessed over the years, all in the name of the ‘improper’ uniting of two people in love? When did marriage become a clinical formula or a precise checklist with boxes to tick and criteria to meet? In my humble opinion, a successful and admirable marriage does not result from two people of similar backgrounds, opposite genders, and an ‘acceptable’ age. If that were the case, I highly doubt western society would be facing a 50 per cent divorce rate. A happy marriage that stands the test of time leans on a backbone of a deep friendship, a willingness to maintain its strength, and the commitment to make another person’s happiness a higher priority than one’s own. I think it’s pretty hard to put restrictions on that kind of bond. So, to celebrate the limitless combinations, values, and social defiance of successful marriages, I spoke to six happy couples about being in a commitment that sits just outside of the ‘norm’.

Defying the ‘You’re not old enough to be married’ rule.

(Married for 1 month) How old were you and your partner when you got married?

Defying the ‘Young marriages never last’ rule (Married for 25 years) How old were you and your partner when you got married?

I was 22, and she was 20.

I was 20, and she was 22.

How did you meet and how long did you date before you got engaged?

We met through our church youth group, and dated for a year.

What’s one thing married life has taught you?

How did you meet, and how long did you date before getting engaged?

We met through church, and we dated for two and a half years before we were engaged.

What is one thing that marriage has taught you?

I’d say it teaches you even more so about how to put people before you.

Instead of only needing to worry about yourself most of the time, you’re always trying to put that person before you and put they’re happiness before yours.

Did you face any challenges when you announced your marriage?

Relationships will remain positive and loving as long as you continue to invest time and effort into enjoying time together. I truly believe that love is a decision.

Did you face any challenges when you announced your marriage?

Families were amazing. However, the opinions of society surprised me quite a bit. We heard a lot of ‘young couples never make it’ and ‘how do you guys even know each other if you haven’t dated at least five years.’ So I’d say society and people we knew were very sceptical about it. I had a few people tell me marriage doesn’t work and the younger you are the more chance it has to fail.

If you had to summarize your marriage in one sentence, what would you say?

Not really… I’m quite a catch. Her parents were concerned that she would quit uni because she was getting married, but she stayed at university, so the concern was short lived.

If you had to summarize your marriage in one sentence, what would you say?

Great friends that continue to enjoy life and laughter together while always on the lookout for new adventures.

My marriage is a bond that is rich with laughter, honesty, and most importantly fun.

13

Defying the ‘Anti-gay marriage’ rule (Civil Union: 9 years, about to be married and have a baby on the way)

Defying the ‘Eventually the spark dies’ rule (Married for 45 years)

How old were you when you entered into your civil union?

How old were you and your partner when you got married?

I was 34 and he was 30. We entered into civil union as soon as it became an option, but we were committed long before.

We were both 22 years old

How did you meet and how long did you date until you committed your lives to each other?

Graham was in his last year of college and I was at uni. I was dancing in a show with his sister, so we met that way. Because of the way the laws were, there’s no real statistic or date to mark when we made our long term commitment to each other, since becoming engaged to be married wasn’t an option. But we dated around three years, and decided to have a little commitment ceremony with our friends.

How did you meet and how long did you date before you got engaged?

We met at a young peoples’ skating party. We started dating at 17 years old for four and a half years before we were married. We were engaged seven months.

What’s one thing married life has taught you?

I had to learn patience over the years and I’m still trying.

Did you face any challenges when you announced your marriage?

What is one thing that your life together has taught you?

All good things involve compromise, and that compromise doesn’t necessarily mean giving anything up. An example is that we live in the country side right now, but I am such a city boy! So we bought a flat in the city as well and we both learn to love different aspects of living in two different environment.

Did you face any challenges when you announced your marriage?

When we were first together, it was the 90s, so we encountered a lot of aggressive homophobic attitudes. It surprised me, the sources that the negativity came from. I always thought that the people of a more traditional upbringing, who valued monogamy and commitment would be the ones who embraced us. But it was quite the opposite. They believed that gay people had a very irresponsible and offensive lifestyle. Even when we explained that we were living the monogamous lifestyle that they, themselves cherished, they continued to be aggressive. It’s a double standard that you can’t win against. By the time civil union became available, we had learned to surround ourselves with a solid support system, so we didn’t experience any personal attacks. It was disconcerting , to wake up every morning, read the newspaper, and see the negativity that society felt toward gay people entering into civil union, though.

If you had to summarize your marriage in one sentence, what would you say?

The word complete would have to be in there… From both perspectives, we complete each other.

We had a few problems with the mothers. We cancelled our wedding plans and got married at the church with a bridesmaid and a best man.

The only other guests were my mum and sister in law, his parents, and the pastor’s wife.

If you had to summarize your marriage in one sentence, what would you say?

We’ve had our ups and downs, but still enjoy being with each other and are still in love.

Defying the ‘Two different religions won’t work together’ rule: Muslim & Hindu (Married for 28 years)

Defying the ‘Every married couple needs children’ rule.

(Married 15 years) How old were you and your partner when you were married?

How old were you and your partner when you got married?

She was 28, and he was 27 I was 24 and Chandra was 25 when we got married in 1987.

How did you meet and how long did you date before you got engaged?

We met through a common family friend at my house in 1980. Chandra claims that it was love at first sight for him, but for me, he was just my older brother’s friend’s friend. A bit of an annoyingly frequent visitor in those days, to be frank. But it wasn’t until he moved to another city and stopped coming to our house, that I missed his annoying presence. Funny, but true, that I was in love with him and both of us expressed our feelings to each other in 1982, and that was sort of an unofficial engagement for us. So the dating lasted for five years, although mainly through letters as there was no other cheap form of communication in those days.

What is one thing that marriage has taught you?

The one thing most special to both of us from our marriage is the bond that is too hard to break despite many challenges over a period of time. The love and support from each other, has made both of us stronger people.

How did you meet and how long did you date before you become engaged?

We met at vet school. We knew each other for three years before we started dating. We were both in previous relationships. We dated long distance for almost two years and then lived together (in sin) for two years before getting married. We were engaged for about a year before our wedding. The long distance relationship was a great way to build a lasting friendship and trust.

We communicated by letters and phone calls because email was not readily accessible.

What is one thing that marriage has taught you?

Respect and consideration and always taking care of the other person. A sense of humour definitely helps. While no one wants hurdles or difficulties in life to overcome, hardships can be a defining moment in a relationship; they can break it or bring you closer together. One realizes that family is truly what one has to rely on and it starts with your spouse.

Did you face any challenges when you decided not to have children?

Did you face any challenges when you announced your marriage?

In my house, Chandra was popular with everyone except me, so there was a green signal from the beginning. In fact, my mum had a major influence on me in my 180 degree turn from dislike to love for Chandra. But at his house, they had a strong resistance initially - nothing against me, personally, but everything against me for being Muslim. But we waited for them to come around and while it took a while to accept me, we had the wedding with their consent and blessings.

If you had to summarize your marriage in one sentence, what would you say?

Finding each other and getting married is the best blessing of our life and we want the same blessing for our children’s lives, because you can go through any ups and downs as long as there’s the right partner by your side.

We both came from large families of six children, so there were expectations that we would be having kids. We both were very much in agreement that children really were not for us. One of the factors we considered is how children would change our relationship or could change it. My husband had concerns of passing his depression onto a child, as there is a 25 per cent chance of that happening, and that was just something he could not accept.

We did not want to see a child go through what he had, plus we did not want the stress of children to bring on his depression. Ultimately, we are drawn more to animals than small screaming humans. There was some pressure from his parents, mostly just asking when we were going to have kids. There was little pressure from my family. Luckily our siblings started having kids and that took the pressure off of us.

If you had to summarize your marriage in one sentence, what would you say?

We are blessed to have found each other and while neither of us is perfect, we have the utmost respect and love for each other, complement each other’s personalities and know that there is nothing that we would not do for each other.

15

UPDATES

Advanced Movie Screening – Lucy Lucy is coming to cinemas on August 21!

Thanks to Event Cinemas Queen Street, we are offering you and a friend a chance to join us for the advanced movie screening of Lucy this Friday (15 Aug) at 4pm! Did I mention there is free popcorn and drinks too?

Today (Monday, 11 Aug) is the last day to enter the draw! Hurry! I know you don’t want to miss this!

Check out our AuSM Competition page to enter the draw http://bit.ly/AUSMLUCY Get Discounts with your International Student Identification Card – ISIC Why Pay $30 when you can pay just $19? Enter the promo code: AUSM when you sign up the ISIC at www.isiccard.co.nz!

ISIC offers over 4,500 discounts available around New Zealand and Australia and up

to 42,000 discounts around the world, including travel, accommodation, sightseeing and of course food and beverages! *Offer valid till 31 Dec 2014 and only valid to full-time AuSM members holding a current AUT student ID which will be used for verification.

Blood Donation Next Week One donation can save up to three lives! Join us next Tuesday and Wednesday, 19 & 20 August.

Location: Conference Rooms WA224 Time: 10am – 4pm Visit http://bit.ly/nzbloodlocation for more info.

SPCA Cupcake Day Join AuSM and help our furry friends out on SPCA Cupcake Day! Cupcakes will be on sale on Monday 25 August from 10am at Hikuwai Plaza, AUT City Campus. We will be selling cupcakes for $2 each and all proceeds go to the New Zealand SPCA. If you want to get involved and help by baking some cupcakes to sell, please email volunteers@aut.ac.nz Check out our Facebook event for more info http://bit.ly/nzspcacupcakes

Bledisloe Cup 2014 Get down to Vesbar at City campus this Saturday to watch the All Blacks take on Australia live from Sydney in the first game of the 2014 Bledisloe Cup! Open from 8.30pm and specials during the night!

All are welcome. R18 ID Required.

VICE PREZ SEZ Kia ora, My name is Urshula Ansell I am very honoured to be your student vice president for the rest of this year. I am a third year student studying a Bachelor of Maori Development with a major in Media. I study on the City Campus under the faculty Te Ara Poutama.

This will be my second year being a part of AuSM - last year as the Maori Affairs Officer and this year as the Vice President. I joined AuSM to give back as in my first year of university they did so much for me. AuSM not only fed me with the free feeds and put on some mean gigs, they made me feel welcomed and a part of so much more.

A big congratulation is in place to all that graduated last Thursday and Friday - well done on finishing your studies.

To quote Dr Seuss, ‘don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’.

Graduation is always just amazing to see.

This is why we are all here - to get that

paper - so keep going hard guys, you got this.

Week four is always full on with assessments so try your best to stay focused. Everyone is different, different methods work for different people.

So don’t get down if something isn’t working for you - just try something new.

Something that helps me is doing it in bits. I will often study for one hour, do something else for 30 minutes, then study again for an hour, and so on and so on.

Oh, I also like highlighters! They always make it more fun.

If you see me around campus, at events or free feeds, please don’t be shy to say hi or let me know what’s up. If you are too shy or busy, please feel free to contact me on urshula.ansell@aut.ac.nz or feel free to come to my office at WC inside the student lounge.

Have a great week!

Urshula

17

OMGG BABY ANIMALS WORDFIND

ANTLING DUCKLING EAGLET FAWN FINGERLING

Name:

FROGLET GOSLING HATCHLING JOEY KITTEN

LAMBKIN LEVERET PEACHICK PIGLET PINKIE

PORCUPETTE PUGGLE PUPPY SNAKELET WHELP

Email:

Circle all the words in the Cute Lil Baby Animals Wordfind, tear this page out & pop it into the box on the side of the red debate stands, and you could win some sweet prizes! Get amongst! Winners will be notified by email.

DID YOU KNOW? Wine is sold in tinted bottles because wine spoils when exposed to light.

Approximately one billion snails are served in restaurants annually.

Carrots have zero fat content.

Maria Ann Smith introduced the Granny Smith apple in 1838.

Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water.

In the 1950′s some 80% of chickens in Europe and the US were free-ranging.

By 1980, it was only 1%. Today, about 13% of chickens in the West are freeranging.

An onion, apple and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell.

Meat production causes 1/5 of global greenhouse gases.

The tall chef’s hat is called a toque.

The term “soda water” was coined in 1798.

Coca-Cola was invented in Atlanta, Georgia by Dr. John S. Pemberton in 1886.

The first diet soft drink, called the “NoCal Beverage” was launched in 1952.

Aluminum cans were introduced in 1957 and two years later the first diet cola was sold.

The pull-ring tab was invented in 1962 and the re-sealable top in 1965.

Annually, France exports some 140 million bottles of champagne but keep 180 million bottles for local consumption.

Plastic bottles were first used for soft drinks in 1970.

The stay-on tab was invented in 1974.

China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. 25 million trees are chopped down to make ‘em sticks.

Chocolate is the number one foodstuff flavor in the world, beating vanilla and banana by 3-to-1.

19

Lovenotes and Hatemail To whom it may concern.

I am writing to express my significant displeasure at the horoscopes in the Debate magazine. It has recently come to my attention that the powerful star sign that is a Pisces, has DISGUSTINGLY been represented as a Magikarp Pokémon.

This is highly offensive, and the Pisces community urge you to change the icon to something more fitting. Like a Gyarados. Or Aquaman.

I feel like the Gemini and Scorpios may have an opinion on this as well.

Sincerley, Guttered Gyarados My dearest Guttered Gyarados.

Your letter has me misty eyed and, frankly, quite thunder-shocked that anybody would take offense over a Magikarp. We at debate strive to be the very best, like no one ever was, so it is with great displeasure to discover we have let a reader down in such a big way.

It’s one thing to merely apologise, and another to pick up my Pokéballs and make this right – so to appease your frustrations, we have changed the picture.

All the best, Matthew

Dear Editor and his trusty sidekick, I have spent the last six months on a trial run separation with a magazine I dated for three years. Our months apart were rough.

There were many snow-filled evenings when I longed for its companionship and light-hearted banter. I tried alternative means to find fulfilment but got sick of hipsters trying to be controversial and Instagramer’s posed as photo journalists.

Life was looking bleak until the time came for me to take the 23 hour flight home...

I thought things would have changed but they definitely hadn’t. My one and only was still in its red stand waiting for me. It looked as artsy as ever, with a toned and trimmed layout that would have made even the

most conservative blush. It still made me laugh and nod my head in appreciation… yeah I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

In this generation of Facebook relationships, I’m happy to have found my match. Over the years Debate has developed from a post-pubescent happy meal to an up-to-date and photogenic value meal. So much love and attention to detail is put into it each week and I don’t think its parents get praised enough.

You should be very proud.

Ps: Is Debate on Tinder?

underwhelmed. And yes, Mr Sills, it did feel a little like fan service, I will give you that. In fact, the whole film felt kinda like fan service. Wait – now you mention it, is the entire comic book movie industry fan service too? All I can say is thanks a lot for shitting all over my dreams, and your review was a tad disappointing, but maybe these changes will lead to bigger and better things in future film reviews. One can only hope.

Yours sincerely, Angry comic book nerd

Hello there, I never lost hope that you would one day come back. It’s been a tough six months without you, but I feel we have both grown as people, and perhaps it is time we rekindle what we once had. There is no time like the present… You know where to find me. I’m ready to give this another shot.

Dear Mr Angry Comic Book Fan,

Yours forever, debate.

Dear management, It was with grave disappointment that I read the three star review by Mr Sills in your latest issue of Debate. Frankly the fact the that this shining example of Hollywood greatness was awarded a meagre three out of five was enough to pique my ire, but once I began reading – to discover the travesty of logic responsible for this misdemeanour – I discovered a further travesty. Was this review copy-pasted from the internet?

I’m glad to see that Mr Sills is such a connoisseur that he has moved on such childish films as the X-Men trilogy and graduated to the more sophisticated Iron Man. I took specific issue with Professor X/ Charles Xavier being referred to simply as ‘X’ for much of the review. Is Mr Sills aware that he forgot a significant portion of this character’s name? Furthermore, no shit Mystique is the reviewer’s favourite role of Jennifer Lawrence. She’s naked for most of the film. I was also saddened to read this stirlingly dull summary of what could possibly have been the most epic special effects and kick-ass cool mutant character combo summarised as having “the worst costume but the funniest sequence and was an unexpected highlight”.

Please forgive me for being completely

I apologise that my review did not meet your high standards for how they should be laid out. I do wonder if Mr Comic Book Fan is aware I only have a limited word count to work with, and therefore cannot afford to adhere to every whim about what they believe I should have discussed. I assure you though, if I had more words to properly name the characters and discuss your favourite scene, I would also have more words to point out further the films significant continuity errors and the ultimate boredom and disappointment I felt upon my original viewing. I also do not see why me disliking the movie should ‘shit all over’ Angry Comic Book Fan’s dreams; I didn’t like it, but I don’t have to, and that should not affect your own enjoyment. Maybe this feedback will allow Mr Angry Comic Book Fan to read reviews with an open mind and to not get his knickers in a twist when someone expresses distaste with a movie whose sole purpose seems to be to erase the internet’s least favourite instalment in the franchise.

One can only hope.

Yours Sincerely, Mr Sills

Want to whisper a sweet nothing in our ear? Or would you rather scream hateful somethings at us?

Email us at mcattin@aut.ac.nz, or drop your letter off to the AuSM office.

We look forward to hearing your judgement of us!

SEVEN SINNERS OF YOUTUBE

By Matthew Cattin YouTube commenters, the undisputed scum of the earth… You’ve all seen them, adding their two cents to videos willy nilly, causing scenes, being vulgar and whoring themselves out for some anonymous internet thumbs up. In my many years of tubing, I’ve discovered there to be several common groups of social delinquents who dirty up the comment section. I’ve assembled seven for y’all below. Enjoy.

Evolution Debaters.

Nothing gets an argument fired up like the good lord Jesus Christ and it seems YouTube has become the unholy battlefield for armchair warriors to debate their stance on religion. This is all good and well if the video being duelled over is relevant, but often it is not and I am constantly amazed at the places I find religious debates developing. Often initiated by trolls, these arguments quickly get fierce as combatants leap into the fray to defend deity or science, using a hefty repertoire of cuss words, ‘evidence’ and chronic insults.

Jack Robins: Dont watch this SATANIC video I can feel the demons in it! the only reason the "theory" of Evilition exists and so many scientists accept it is because satan is cunning and crafty and is using it to guild us all from the Glory of the living God! Find jesus (the true light) or perish! É Youthful Arrogance.

Most often found lurking on music videos of classic bands, these eager commenters want the world to know that despite being fresh from the womb, they’re not into the trashy pop music of today – oh no – they like the classics.

A typical comment reads something like this… “I’m only 13 but Pink Floyd is my favourite band! I don’t like Bieber lol! I’m just 13!” Not yet old enough to realise that nobody gives two shits, these optimistic adolescents deserve every dislike they get.

Hate for Hate’s Sake.

The beauty of the internet is choice – any destination you desire is just a few clicks away. It therefore baffles me why on a Kings of Leon video, you’ll find a barrage of comments dissing not just the song, but the band as a whole.

Thank you internet traveller! Thanks for watching! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I’m glad you took the time to search for and watch a video you knew you wouldn’t enjoy, and then tell us all how you feel! You’re obviously very advanced in life… For a dick.

The Everyday Sexists.

The internet gives us the illusion of proximity – it makes the world a smaller place. Whilst this is often useful, it also brings the world’s many douchebags closer. On any given YouTube video featuring a woman, you’re bound to find disappointing comments regarding said woman’s appearance and/ or crude sexual statements. Comments like “1:12 BOOTY” or “more titties plz” absolutely litter the comment sections of just about any video starring a female. If you ever need a reminder of how far we still have to go, I suggest you scroll through the comments of female surfer videos.

Thomas Nitta: Wow... I can't believe I'm saying this but I'd fuck Sarah Silverman in this interview. But in any other thing, I'd shuv a hand-grenade in her vagina then run away like a crazy person. (…) Sent Me Here.

Many YouTubers feel obliged to share details of the no-doubt fascinating journey that lead them to the video. It’s usually something as simple as “Moonrise Kingdom brought me here!” but often it’s a tedious and lengthy story of teen heart break, death, growing up or ‘the one that got away’. In true internet fashion, quick-to-anger users get sucked into the fray, exclaiming in caps “NOBODY GIVES A FUCK WHAT BROUGHT YOU HERE.” Relax internet.

The Self-Promoters.

I often wonder about the hit rates enjoyed by those desperate individuals posting their latest song/video/website/competition entry on a YouTube comments section. I mean, good on them for putting themselves out there, but surely, there has got to be a better way than appealing to YouTube commenters, the meanest, most ruthless creatures on the internet…

Thumbs Up! Of all the online scumbags, it’s maybe these degenerates that bother me the most – largely because there is zero entertainment value in what they do. Essentially shameless internet begging, but with nothing of worth to gain (but valueless anonymous appraisal), it depresses me to no end. Do these people get restless if they don’t get enough social media recognition on the daily? Can they sleep at night without filling their quota of meaningless recognition by generous internet browsers? If it’s green thumbs you are after, quit being such a lazy prat, think up something original, and sleep easy knowing strangers spent a microsecond clicking their approval of your wit.

21

ABC's

OF HOUSE SITTING

by Laurien Barks Student life. Y’all know what I’m talking about.

A time of loans, textbook costs, and part time jobs where a good day means the urge to throat punch a customer and/or co-worker only presented itself three times every hour. ‘Sorry, I’m too poor this week,’ is a phrase that not a single one of us is stranger to… Many a-plan has been cancelled or denied in its name. How is one supposed to even start to think about moving away from home, (or away from the eight flatmates that inhabit your three bedroom apartment), when you can barely afford to feed yourself with that slightly grey chicken from the foreign fruit and vegetable store? There’s the constant battle between desire for independence, and desire for a comfortable, well-fed lifestyle. If only it were possible to achieve both.

Well, dear friends, that’s why I’ve come to you today - to tell you, in the words of our favourite good girl gone bad, that I’ve managed to get the best of both worlds. I live alone, only sharing my dwelling with those who are invited, I enjoy the benefits of free rent, utilities, and internet, and I regularly enjoy home cooked meals of my choosing. Oh yes. I’m talking about a little thing called house sitting. Many people think that house sitting is only an option when your aunty goes to Bali for a week and needs someone to water her plants. But it’s actually so much more. There is an entire underground network of websites, forums, businesses, and cliental within the wonderful world of housesitting, and guess what, they’re all looking for you! University students are some of the most sought after house sitters because of their studious lifestyle and availability to look after pets (since you will rarely find a house sit without at least one animal to care for). It’s an expandable way of life that starts small but grows with each glowing reference that you will inevitably receive.

I’ve managed to get to the point where I’m rarely at home for more than two weeks before I’m venturing off to a new house with a new collection of fur babies. I can’t get enough of it, and I highly recommend it to anyone itching to live an adult lifestyle without the gross adult responsibilities of bills and whatnot. I know you’re, now, probably bursting at the seams to get yourself involved in the magical world of free loading, but before you do, educate yourselves on the ABCs of house sitting, because the last thing you want to be, is unprepared.

Authority

Fireplace

Whether you’re a disgustingly bossy person, or a mousy wallflower, you’re going to have to find your own special way of establishing authority of the pets that you care for. Especially dogs. It might be hard to inflict a little tough love, but trust me, if they don’t recognize that you’re the boss, neither of you is going to have much fun over the course of your stay.

Each house comes with its own set of perks. If you are like me and don’t have your own fireplace, this becomes the perk that you desperately long for. Much of the time they’ll leave you firewood to use as you desire, but occasionally you’ll have to supply your own. Best to clarify this before they leave so you can ensure that you bring the right supplies to make the most of your cosy new home addition.

Baking You’re expected to supply your own groceries even though most people will tell you to help yourself to any food. Baking supplies, however, is up for grabs, so long as you don’t use it excessively, and make sure you leave some freshly baked goods for your home owners upon their return (I usually go with cookies or bread).

Cleaning Take a good look around when you first arrive at the house. Take note of how clean your bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen are and remember it well.

It is the level of cleanliness (or higher) that you must leave the house in upon your departure. I’ve been exposed to everything from white carpeted homes with ironed sheets and cupboards that you can see your reflection in despite them being made of mahogany, to homes where I’ve had to use tongs to move oversized undergarments in order to clear a pathway from the bedroom to the bathroom. Come prepared for anything.

Dough About 75 per cent of the time, you’ll get paid to house sit. Some home owners have a predetermined amount that they’ll offer you, but others will ask you how much you charge. I used to simply say ‘whatever you’d like to offer me will be much appreciated,’ but that backfired on me not too long ago, and a woman responded to that statement by not paying me at all. So, now I would advise that you consider and decide on a rate before meeting with the homeowners. Anything from 50-200 dollars a week is a reasonable request, depending on the people and your relationship to them.

External wounds If you have even a hint of the clumsy gene in your DNA, locate the first aid kit as soon as you arrive, and try to keep your phone on you at all times in case of an emergency. Living alone has its perks, but no one is around to grab you a plaster when you cut your finger, get a nose bleed, or fall down the stairs.

Gross!

I have yet to go to a house sit where something unexpected and grotesque doesn’t manage to throw itself into my path. When you’re dealing with unfamiliar surroundings and furry companions, you’re unprepared for the worst, and so will most definitely find yourself exclaiming ‘Gross!’ at least once over the course of your stay. My favourites have included explosive dog diarrhoea and finding the remains of a bird carcass spread across the floor and up the walls of the hallway.

House parties Believe it or not, most people are okay with you having more than a few people over. When I’m given this kind of freedom, I use it to the absolute extreme. I’ve become known for my house sit alcohol fests, consisting of one to two people (plus myself), upwards of two different flavours of cider or vodka cruisers, and a pg13 film turned to a moderate volume so as to not wake the cats.

But heck, if you can’t let loose while you’re house sitting, when can you?

Independence Like I said before, this is the ultimate way to gain the independence you’ve been craving. You only need to worry about your schedule. You cook your own meals, watch what you want, listen to what you want to on whatever volume you please, come home as late as you like, and only make your bed when and if it suits you.

Jealous pets If you happen to have pets at home that you return to between house sits, be prepared for more pet drama than you’ve ever had to deal with before. I don’t have pets of my own anymore, but back when I did, once my cat caught a whiff of another animal all up in my clothes, I’d have to put up with her shitty attitude for at least a week, and the only reason she’d eventually come back would be to use me for my skilled hands and tender lips.

Loneliness As previously hinted, house sitting does tend to get a bit lonely at times. I’m one of those people who gets excited for an evening alone, or a weekend by myself. In fact, I like to refer to this excited sensation as my ‘loner boner.’ But even I miss human contact every once in a while. Try and plan a few hang outs before you start your house sit so you have something to look forward to and get you through the nights that seem extra cold and dark.

Moulting You’re going to be covered in fur. Your clothes are going to be covered in fur. The carpets are going to be covered in fur. You’re going to have it up your nose, in your eyes, and all through your food. So if you have allergies, or aren’t used to looking like the ‘before’ picture for a lint roller ad, house sitting probably isn’t for you.

Nudism House sitting is where I learned to embrace the idea of being completely naked. Before living alone, the thought of prancing around in my birthday suit seemed scandalous and terrifying.

But slowly and surely I learned to strip away my anxieties and go with the flow. Obviously make sure the curtains are closed (unless leaving them open thrills you in ways nothing else can), and have a walk around. You’ll be upset that you didn’t try it sooner.

Oops…

You’re probably going to wreck something on more than one occasion. It’s just a way of life.

The important thing is to do a good job of either fixing what you’ve broken, or hiding it really well.

I’ve dropped many a glass, stained a carpet, and somehow managed to leave a spare refrigerator open for 10 days. But don’t despair, if I can find a solution to a ten day old, soggy, rotting pile of mouldy bread, cheese, and raw chicken, you can most certainly cover your tracks and solve your own ‘oops’ moments.

Piracy A lot of home owners have unlimited internet, so say hello to all of the downloading/streaming that your little criminal heart desires.

Qualifications House sitting is a great way to earn some really solid references. These people are trusting you with their home and fur family and if you do a

good job, they’ll be your biggest fans forever.

They’ll be able to confirm your responsibility, cleanliness, people skills, integrity, independent work ethic and loving and gentle attitude towards all things small and fluffy. The list goes on.

They’ll pretty much become your go to referee for anything life throws at you.

Raunchy secrets Even if you’re not looking, you will probably end up finding something that you don’t really want to. Porn mags/videos, used condoms in the rubbish bin, Vagisil in the drawer of the bed side table… Whatever it happens to be, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll find some kind of connection to your home owner’s genitals at some point over the course of your stay.

Snoop Which leads me to my next point… Snooping.

If you’re prepared to see the worst, snooping can be a ton of fun on a quiet Monday night at home. Bedroom drawers are off limits until you reach expert mode, but everything else is open for browsing. My favourite finds have been secret lolly drawers and erotic novels cleverly masked in the, otherwise boring, bookshelves of the elderly.

Tasting Even though I don’t like to take owners up on their ‘help yourself to food!’ offers, it can be good fun to have a taste of any foreign or special treats that you find laying around. I’m the only one in my house who enjoys eating muesli, so it’s rarely included in the grocery runs. So when I got to the house of a family of muesli enthusiasts, I don’t hesitate to generously sample each and every box. Enhance the house sitting experience in any way you can.

Urine If you remember nothing else from these ABCs, please remember this. Letting the dog out regularly to wee, is probably more important than remembering to feed it every day. If you fail to do this, the dog will squat, stare you in the eye, and empty the contents of its tank-sized bladder all over the carpet. Ignoring your desperate shrieking pleas the entire time. If you ignore my advice and find yourself with a wet patch of carpet that wreaks to high heavens, grab the baking soda and don’t stop pouring until you’ve emptied that sonofabitch. Let the soda soak up the urine for a few days and then vacuum it up and never speak of it again.

Vet Clinics You may end up needing to visit the vet clinic while you’re pet sitting, because the universe has a fantastic sense of humour and tends to smite pets with illness when they’re under the supervision of a stranger. You don’t need to worry about the cost of it all because that’s the home owner’s responsibility. However, what you will need to worry about is the heart-sinking, soul-crushing dread that comes with the fear that this family’s beloved pet is going to die under your watch.

Walking Be prepared to walk in any weather over the course of your house sitting stay. Owners expect you to walk and exercise their little babies in the wind, rain, and boiling sun, so suck it up and pray for good weather because you’ll be strolling around the block no matter what.

XXX Why not take advantage of the empty house, and neighbours who can’t later ask your parents what the horrendously explicit gasps pulsating from your house were all about? Invite your latest Tinder find over and play room bingo. Christen every room of the house with the steam of bodily fluids to win. Repeatedly.

Yolo Sometimes you’ll find that extended time on your own drives you to lower your inhibitions and go a little nuts, because there’s no one to tell you not to. Whether you want to let loose, or be loose, a house sit is the period of time when you can really let things go. I’m no stranger to the house sit yolo attitude. Just ask my chopped off hair or tattooed flesh.

Zzz Sleeping in a new environment can be a tad tricky. There are strange noises, snoring pets, and curtains that let too much sunlight in at the ungodly hour of 10am. If you find yourself facing far too many disturbing environmental factors, don’t be afraid to take action. Just because they left you the guest room doesn’t mean the couch, floor, or shed in the backyard is off limits. Do what you need to do, because ain’t nobody got time to put up with your sleep-deprived attitude.

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LAST WEEK IN POLITICS Labours long list of IF’s and their rising hope, squashed by Dotcom.

by Jason Walls IF National do not gain more than 50 per cent, IF Peter Dunn and David Seymour do not win their seats, IF NZ First decided to form a coalition with Labour, IF the Greens get 13 per cent or more, IF Labour get more than 27 per cent party vote and, IF Labour decided to join up with Internet and Mana in a coalition… David Cunliffe will be leading a Labour Government in less than 40 days.

Before we go any further, let’s break this down. National has been polling around 50 per cent, both Dunn and Seymour are assured to win their seats, Greens and Labour are polling below 13 per cent and 27 per cent respectively, Winston Peters says he will not work with Mana and (AND) Cunliffe told the Breakfast show “I've said before Mana will not be part of a government I lead, full stop," essentially ruling a political marriage between Cunlifee, Harawira, and Winston out.

Combine with a fractured Labour caucus; it’s not looking good for New Zealand’s political left.

Added to New Zealand’s liberal woes is the Te Tai Tokerau electorate.

This week, Labour’s Te Tai Tokerau candidate Kelvin Davis took to social media to express his dislike of Kim Dotcom “buying the seat of Te Tai Tokerau.”

Davis’ almost 400 word rant expressed disapproval over the internet giant’s donation to far-right John Banks, how Dotcom had nothing to do with Maori until he found a way to take advantage of some to try to keep himself out of American Jail and how Dotcom’s garage is bigger and flasher than 99 per cent of homes in Te Tai Tokerau; and still cries 'poor me'.

I could not agree more with Davis.

I want to make it very clear before you read on; I do not like Kim Dotcom. I don’t care how many albums he puts out, how many black vests he wears or how many different political parties he shovels money into.

The man is a walking contradiction; throwing cash at the far-right John Banks, then funding his own left wing Political Party. The way he is using New Zealand to stay out of jail is a disgrace.

Davis declared on Facebook, “I'm just an ordinary Maori living up north trying to stop the biggest con in New Zealand's political history from being pulled against my whanau, my hapu, my iwi.”

Davis even went as far as looking at a website asking for donations to “bring down the fake.”

However, Labour’s head office vetoed the website because of its criticism of the Internet/Mana deal intended to help Internet party candidates into parliament on the back of Harawira’s Te Tai Tokerau electorate, as reported by The Herald.

“I've said before Mana will not be part of a government I lead, full stop" – David Cunliffe.

With Mana and Internet Party joined at the hip until the election, Labour hasn’t really got a leg to stand on here. So why does Labour still insist on protecting them?

Davis decided to donate all the contributions he received through the website to Rape Crisis, keeping true to his intentions of addressing domestic and sexual violence.

Good. It looks as though Labour will have a solid, true to his word MP in their caucus after the election Not quite.

Davis is 18th on the Labour’s list meaning unless Labour win at least 29 per cent of the party vote, Kelvin Davis will not be returning to the Beehive after the election.

Davis is fighting for his seat, for his people and fighting against the man attempting to highjack the New Zealand political system.

His reward? Labour’s head office vetoing his attempts to put Dotcom in his place.

There is quickly becoming less and less to ‘Vote Positive’ about.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH: THE KILLING

by Ethan Sills Crime shows are nothing new, and neither is American TV ripping off overseas shows and formats to give them a local spin. So while The Killing, based off the Swedish show Forbrydelsen, is not unique in terms of genre, it did bring with it the intriguing premise of each episode being one day in the investigation of the murder of teenager Rosie Larsen. Though it never quite hit the heights it could have, here are just some reasons why you should take the trip to endlessly rainy Seattle and give The Killing a go.

The What: The first season begins on Detective Sarah Linden’s last day as a homicide detective before she moves to California with her fiancé. After meeting her replacement Stephen Holder, the duo investigate a potential crime scene that leads them to learning of the disappearance of teenage girl Rosie Larsen, whose body is later found in a car belonging to a hopeful mayoral candidate. The first and second seasons follow the case as Linden and Holder both become more invested, the Larsen family tries to cope with their daughter’s death and the mayoral race attempts to recover from its potential involvement.

The Who: The casts change between seasons, with our lead characters staying the only constants. Mireille Enos and Joel Kinnaman star as Linden and Holder respectively: you may recognize Enos as Brad Pitt’s wife in World War Z, while Kinnaman led this year’s Robocop reboot.

Why You Should Watch: I will be honest here: the first season is kind of crap.

It starts off well enough and has a few bright spots, but ultimately the season is a random mess, full of dozens of red herrings that go nowhere. It then kicks the audience in the face by not wrapping up the case.

However, if you can live through that, the second season does improve, bringing some of those pieces together to make a wider conspiracy, before ultimately coming together for a satisfying ending. But the real reason to watch is the excellent third season, which sees them investigate the deaths of a series of young prostitutes. There are admittedly some groan-worthy moments here too (why they gave the prison guards a plotline I have no idea), but the season is a tense and chilling case, with great supporting characters and the added storyline of a death-row prisoner, played movingly by Peter Sarsgaard, that gives the tale some added weight.

Throughout all the mess, Enos and Kinnaman make a perfect pairing – they are certainly not True Detective’s Rust and Cohle, but Holder and Linden work well together and their interactions are one of the few joys within what can be a rather dreary show.

The six-part final season premiered on Netflix last week and is coming to our screens via SoHo. I personally want to see how they wrap things up and what a shortened final case without the added trimmings could lead to, and, if you’re willing to dredge through some shit and a whole lot of rain, you may end up just as captivated by their adventures as well.

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25

FOOD CRIMES.

By Kieran Bennett Food, and the eating of food, is one of the greatest pleasures in life. It brings friends, families and cultures together. It is truly a beautiful thing. That said, there are practices that can in fact drive people apart. This week I look closer at these culinary transgressions and why they offend people so. And by people I mean me.

Flavoured Chips in a *Yeast Based Spread of Your Choice* and Chip Sandwich. · A chip sandwich is a Kiwi staple. White bread, thick layer of butter, a slight smear of * Yeast Based Spread of Your Choice*, a pile of chips and another piece of buttered bread. All lovingly crunched downwards and cut diagonally. Wrapping in glad wrap and destroying it in your bag is optional.

The saltiness of the chips, the softness of the bread and that tart * Yeast Based Spread of Your Choice* flavour all combine to create a truly magical thing. Going outside this combo with faux bacon flavoured chips is not only creating a flavour that should never see the light of day, it spits on New Zealand tradition.

Feeding Vegemite to a Marmite Lover. · Now that we’ve mastered one ingredient of the chip sandwich, let us master the other (assuming you need no help with the bread or butter). Now I don’t mean to show my bias here, but Marmite (for those of you who haven’t tried it) is a thick, salty spread that is made from cow butt holes. Vegemite on the other hand is a thick, salty spread made from yeast extract. When serving these things, never get the two confused.

Using Mescaline in Place of Lettuce. · Lettuce is a light, green, leafy staple of many a salad and highclass sandwich. It can add a delicate crunch to your meals and is apparently something called ‘healthy’. The best part of all however is that lettuce is basically flavourless and so has little to no impact on the actual overall flavour.

Lettuce is a superior leafy green. Mescaline however is a small, bitter plant that is favoured by pretentious yuppos in an effort to have a garden salad without actually having a garden salad. It is awful and will ruin anything you put it in. It will also call your mother names and borrow money from you without paying it back.

Drowning Your Sushi in Soy Sauce as Opposed to Dipping Demurely. · Sushi is the number one go-to lunch for nearly every student. It’s cheap, it's (somewhat) healthy and above all, it tastes pretty damn good. Each piece, each roll is a delicate, intricate… Okay y’know what, I can’t lie here.

Sushi is rice, meat and seaweed, that’s pretty much it. A little bit of soy sauce is generally accepted to add a little saltiness to it and improve the flavour. But that said, opening your soy packet and drenching every piece in soy until it resembles a little ricey log is just insulting. Soy responsibly.

Pouring Tomato Sauce over a Carefully Prepared Roast. · Now let’s briefly discuss questions that annoy me. “What’re you doing after you graduate?” is up there. And so is “why do you have photos of me?” But above all of those is the one that comes after slaving over a hot stove and carefully measuring herbs and spices. One that comes within moments of placing the plate down. “Where’s the tomato sauce?” I’ll tell you where the tomato sauce is. The tomato sauce is down at the chip shop, behind the counter of your local takeaway place and altogether not on my table.

Tomato sauce is not a flavour enhancer; tomato sauce is a flavour murderand-throw-to-the-bottom-of-lake. Simply put, there is nothing more degrading to a cook than to hear this question.

Vegetable Bacon. · Ah veggie bacon. Veggie bacon says a lot. It says “my girlfriend is making me go vegetarian”. It also says “I want to try an alternative lifestyle, but I’m just a little too comfortable where I am right now”. It can also say “I’m eating this for a week to be healthy - hopefully I can delude myself into thinking it’s the same”. But most of all it says “I have no respect for flavour. And no respect for myself”. Bacon is made from thin strips of smoked dead pig. This is what makes it bacon. Reconstituted soy products do not make bacon. Reconstituted soy products make vomit coloured ‘veggie patties’ and packing material. Not bacon.

Putting Raisins in Chocolate Chip Cookies. · It has at last come to this. The cardinal food sin. Not only is putting raisins (or craisins or cranberries or kikiwawafoofy seeds or whatever new age stuff you’re into) into a perfectly good chocolate chip cookie severely alter the flavour; it’s also a betrayal of the highest degree. It implies to the other person that you have no respect for baking and you are perfectly comfortable lying to them. I have experienced few shocks greater than expecting a sweet, chocolaty, gooey mouthful only to be greeted by chewy foulness. If you must put raisins in your cookies then please, in the name of all good food, segregate them from the rest of the cookies.

Foodis Populi I took to the streets (of Facebook) to find out what foods and what combinations offend people the most.

75% of people I talked to: · Raisins in cookies. See, the people have spoken.

Natalie Nepia: · Overcooked bacon, can’t stand that shit.

Sam Carswell: · Mayonnaise, just, so much mayonnaise.

Ming Jae Kang: · White people eating Asian food without chopsticks Charlotte Cake: · Pineapple and Carrot cake. (Charlotte became rather incendiary at this and began to describe pineapple and carrot cake in a way that would make a sailor not only blush but perhaps call his mother more often).

Chris Berger: · Allow me to introduce you to Budweiser Clamato [Clamato being a fusion of tomato juice and clam broth and Budweiser being a notoriously piss-weak beer]. Imagine a live well in a fishing boat, filled with saltwater and a couple weeks’ worth of rotting fish. Pour in some tomato juice, and low-grade ethyl alcohol, and you have a Clamato. I feel it deserves mention as one of the most heinous flavour combinations ever created for human consumption.

Dear Leader: · Enhanced immensely by stabilisers 407 and 451, the Sizzler is seen by some as a Kiwi classic, but let’s be honest, it’s essentially luncheon, in sausage form, that a cheese worm crawled into and died. Although it is apparently 45 per cent meat, I just don’t buy it - I like my sausages to have at least 50 per cent. Eating a sizzler is probably the closest you can get to giving a blowjob at the dinner table, and not in a good way. Just watch out for the cheesey explosion – that shit is napalm hot and will give you a furry tongue for days.

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Kieran's cocktails

by Kieran Bennett With the semester well and truly underway, it may be time to open the drinks cabinet to begin drowning your sorrows. But why settle for a shoe filled with vodka? This week we’ll have a look at some pretty damn fine cocktails to either impress your friends or, if you’re down on your luck, your six cats.

MOJITO A summery Cuban drink which translated means ‘something a little wet’, a Mojito is a simple cocktail with a minty tang. The origin of the Mojito is unclear at best; some sources saying that Francis Drake, in an effort to cure his men of scurvy and dysentery, obtained a variation of the recipe from a native Indian tribe in Cuba. Other sources claim it was the result of 1600’s Cuban workers’ attempts to make sub-par rum a little more drinkable. It’s also dead easy to make.

You’ll need: • 90mls of rum • A handful of mint leaves, fresh • 30mls of lime juice • 30mls of simple syrup • Club soda • Ice You should then: • Put your mint leaves, lime juice and simple syrup in a ‘Collins’ glass or any other tall glass you have. Take a rolling pin or other blunt instrument and smush the mixture lightly. Fill the glass with ice then add the rum. Top with the club soda and garnish with a lime wedge if you’re feeling like a fancy ho. Drink, but not too fast.

Pitfalls to avoid: • Make sure when you’re smushing your mint leaves, lime juice and simple syrup to do so lightly. If you break the leaves, you’ll end up with little flaky bits in your drink. And that’s just nasty.

Yeah but how does it taste?

• The chief characteristic of a Mojito is the mint. So if you’re not a fan of mint, stay away. The lime will add a slight tartness, but shouldn’t make it sour while the rum adds a slight punch. A Mojito should, above all, be more refreshing than heavy.

Black Russian Another simple one, but the Black Russian is quite unlike the Mojito.

Only two ingredients make up this classic that originated Brussels in 1949, made to honour the then U.S Ambassador to Luxemburg.

No matter where it came from, or who it’s honouring, the Black Russian is another damn fine and damn easy cocktail.

You’ll need: • Ice • 45mls of vodka • 30mls of coffee liqueur (Kahlua or similar) You should then: • Pour the vodka and Kahlua into a small glass with some ice. That’s really pretty much it. I mean you could do it while singing a falsetto rendition of Royals, but I can’t guarantee it would improve the taste.

Variations: • The most common variation is a White Russian. Reduce your Kahlua to 20mls, mix and then add 20mls of cream. Or for a slightly sharper taste add a splash of lemon juice to make a Black Magic. Alternatively you can make a Brown Russian by making a Black Russian in a tall glass and topping it with ginger ale.

Yeah but how does it taste?

• The sweet, coffee taste of the Kahlua is king here.

Vodka is essentially tasteless so all it really adds is a slight alcoholic bite, but not really that much. If you prefer a sweeter drink, just add a little more Kahlua. Or for a smoother drink, make a White Russian.

Simple Syrup Simple Syrup is the term used for boiled sugar and water. This is a replacement for mixing sugar and water when making a drink and is far easier and faster than using granulated sugar. Simple syrup, when kept in the fridge, keeps for about a month. When kept in a plastic container in the freezer, it will last for about a year.

You’ll need: • 2 cups of sugar • 2 cups of water You should then: • Put them in a pot and boil it until the sugar dissolves.

HARVEY WALLBANGER

MINT JULEP

Switching back to the other end of the spectrum, the Harvey Wallbanger is another fruity cocktail. This one is no less potent however with vodka and the very odd tasting Galliano liqueur giving it quite the kick. The origins of this house destroyer are conflicting; some say it was created in the 1950’s by Donato Antone, a famous drinks mixer, while others believe it was named after a surfer who, after drinking it, crashed into a wall - such was the drink’s strength.

Back to the mint for this one, so if the Mojito wasn’t your thing, you may want to carry on. Everyone else, the Mint Julep is the signature drink of the Kentucky Derby. Served in their thousands every year, this frosty cocktail is a Southern favourite. And it's been a favourite for a while to; the first instance of a Mint Julep being mentioned goes all the way back to 1784.

You’ll need: • Ice • Orange juice • 30mls of vodka • 15mls of Galliano You should then: • Fill a tall glass with ice and pour the orange juice and vodka over it. Stir. Contemplate life. Now take a spoon and slowly pour the Galliano over the back of it into the glass. Stick an orange slice on the rim and drink the thing. Take care, they’re not called Wallbangers for nothing.

Pitfalls to Avoid: • Pour the Galliano over the back of a spoon otherwise it won’t sit in the drink properly and won’t taste right. It’s not just to look fancy. Well, maybe a little.

Yeah but how does it taste?

• The vodka and orange juice is a fairly classic, orangetasting combination also known as a Screwdriver. In a Harvey Wallbanger the vodka really just exists to give a slight punch. The Galliano however is a little stranger, with a complex mix of vanilla, sweetness and star anise. A tasty, easy to drink (maybe too easy) cocktail.

You’ll need: • 2 tsp. of simple syrup • 8 to 10 mint leaves • Crushed ice • 60 - 90mls of bourbon, depending on how the week

has been • More crushed ice • Fresh mint You should then: • Pour your simple syrup into the bottom of a medium size glass and smush it with the mint leaves, much like you did with the Mojito. Take some of the gently smushed mint leaves and rub the mint oil on the inside of glass. Half fill the glass with the ice and pour on the bourbon. Fill the remainder of the glass with ice and stir until the glass goes frosty. Adorn with a sprig of mint. Sip it classily.

Pitfalls to avoid: • Crushed ice, not cubed. The crushed ice is what gives the Mint Julep is texture and character, plus it means it's like you’re drinking a minty, alcoholic slushy. Which is cool.

Yeah but how does it taste?

• Well the name is something of a giveaway really. A Mint Julep is all about the mint. The sweetness of bourbon ties in nicely with the minty flavour while the great big mint sprig you’ve popped in the glass means that every sip is incredibly aromatic. So, much like the 29 Mojito, if mint is not your thing, stay well clear.

Tequila Sunrise This contemporary version of a 1930’s classic is named due to its tendency (when it's prepared right at least) to look like a sunrise.

Go figure. First poured in the 1970’s in California, the Tequila Sunrise is a colourful, layered drink that is tasty and impressive.

You’ll need · Ice · 120mls of orange juice · 60mls of tequila · 15mls of grenadine · Orange slice You should then: Pour the orange juice and tequila over ice. Then stir it together completely. Now take your grenadine and carefully pour it round the edge of glass. The grenadine will (hopefully) slip down the sides of the glass and settle at the bottom. Do not pour the grenadine directly into the glass as it will mix incorrectly and not look super awesome. Place an orange slice on the rim and drink away.

Variations: · For a Tequila Sunset substitute the grenadine with dark rum, or for a Russian Sunrise substitute the tequila with vodka.

Yeah but how does it taste? · A tequila sunrise is a sweet, very smooth drink with a nice orange taste. The grenadine adds more sweetness and the flavour becomes stronger as you get to the bottom of the glass (where the grenadine is resting). That said, the tequila can add a bit of a planty bite, so if you’re not a drinker, you could slightly reduce the tequila.

Margarita A Mexican cocktail in a salt rimmed glass, the Margarita is a hugely popular staple of any good night out, or good night at home. The origins of the drink are almost impossible to trace, with roots being claimed from 1936 in Mexico to 1961 in Texas. In all versions however, the drink was made to honour a beautiful woman that the mixer had met.

If you’re looking to honour a beautiful woman or even just turn a party all the way up to seven, the Margarita is a great cocktail to share.

You’ll need: · A big jug, pitcher or an insanely large glass and a death wish · Salt · ¾ of a cup of lemon juice · ¾ of a cup of lime juice · 3 ½ cups of tequila · 2 cups of Cointreau, Grand Mariner or Triple Sec (all brands

of liquor) · ½ cup of simple syrup · Ice cubes · You should then: Combine all your ingredients in your large pitcher and stir until combined, saving a tiny bit of lime juice for later. Swear as you realise your pitcher isn’t large enough. Rub a little lime juice on the outside edges of your glasses and rub them in the salt. Pour your mix into the glasses, being careful not to disturb any of the salt and drink away.

Variations: While ‘margarita’ usually refers to the kind of limes traditionally used in making the drink and the flavour, you can feel free to add different fruit juices for different flavours. There’s no set quantity if you want to try this variation, just add however much you like. Also if you prefer a less tart taste, reduce the tequila quantity.

Yeah but how does it taste? · The tequila gives a tangy flavour while the lemon and lime juice brings a sour sweetness to the table. The Cointreau, Grand Mariner or Triple Sec also bring a citrusy flavour to the drink, complimenting the lemon and lime. All this, and the salt, combine to make a sweet, sour and refreshing drink.

BLOODY MARY MOSCOW MULE A 1940’s ‘buck’ cocktail, a name for a drink involving citrus and ginger beer, the Moscow Mule is a strong but simple drink. Created

by John G. Martin and John A. Morgan in 1941, the drink was created after John, John and John’s friends had had a few too many. The Mule was an almost instant hit and is in fact credited with sparking North America’s love of vodka and replacing gin as the preferred white spirit.

You’ll need · 15mls of lime juice, from an actual lime · 60mls of vodka · 120mls to 180mls of ginger beer · 2 or 3 ice cubes · A copper mug (optional, depending on who you talk to) You should then: · Squeeze your lime juice into a tall glass (or a copper mug) and drop the empty lime into the glass. Add 2 or 3 ice cubes and pour in your vodka and ginger beer. Stir it all up and garnish with a lime slice. Sip regally.

A few notes on the Moscow Mule: · Firstly, the copper mug. There are some who feel that a Moscow Mule is fake without a copper mug and certainly the metallic coldness of the copper does add a little something to the drink. But, if you can’t get one, no one will care. Regardless of what you put this drink in, make sure to put ginger beer in. Do not, under any circumstances, use ginger ale - the drink will lack bite and be weak. It’s also an accepted option to put a dash of bitters and 15mls of simple syrup in the drink to give a slight sweetness and add something to the flavour.

Yeah but how does it taste? · Think about licking a ginger root. The Moscow Mule should (if you used actual ginger beer) have a strong flavour with heavy ginger notes and slight limey sourness. The drink could almost be described as slightly spicy, but you would have to use real top shelf ginger beer to get this kind of strong flavour.

After drinking everything else on this list, you’ll need something for the next morning; why not the Bloody Mary? Dubbed the ‘world’s most complex cocktail’ the Bloody Mary’s ingredients are almost as varied as its origin stories. George Jessell is attributed in 1939 New York with mixing tomato juice and vodka, while in 1930 Henry Zbikiewicz is attributed with the same thing in the same city. Another bartender however, Fernand Petiot, claimed to have done the same in 1921 and somehow to have also ‘refined Jessell’s recipe’. Talented guy. The name is also a source of contention, being based off both Mary Queen of Scots and a waitress named Mary at the Bucket of Blood Club. The Bloody Mary now stands today as one of the most varied cocktails around and the definitive hangover-cure drink.

You’ll need: · A shaker of some kind · 1 tbsp. of salt · ¼ of a lemon, cut into wedges · ½ tsp. of Worchester sauce · ¼ tsp. of soy sauce · ½ tsp. of black pepper (or less if you like) · A dash of cayenne pepper (this stuff is mad spicy, so watch out) · ¼ tsp. of hot sauce · ½ tsp. of grated horseradish (or 1 Tsp. of horseradish from a jar) · 60mls of vodka · 120mls of tomato juice · 1 stick of celery (optional) You should then: · Place your salt in a shallow dish and rub the edge of a tall glass with one of your lemon wedges and rub the glass in the salt. Stick the lemon wedge on the edge of glass and fill it with some ice. Visualise the soon-to-be-filled glass.

Add the Worchester sauce, soy sauce, black pepper, cayenne pepper, hot sauce and horseradish to the shaker. Fill the shaker with ice and pour in the vodka, tomato juice and the juice of your other lemon wedge. Now shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture. Shake it a little more vigorously if you’re using horseradish from a jar, just to make sure it mixes through. Taste it. If things are not to your liking, add more of what you want and shake again. If all seems fine, strain the mixture into your glass and pop a stick of celery into the glass. Drink while consuming large amounts of fried food on Saturday morning.

Variations: · The variations of a Bloody Mary are truly limitless with its herbs, spices and garnishes encompassing all tastes. There is no set variation, other than how spicy you like your drinks and how brave you’re willing to be. Be free.

Yeah but how does it taste?

Quite unlike any other cocktail on this list really. A Bloody Mary is a spicy, tomatoey drink with an emphasis on the spice. The tomato juice (and some say celery stick), help to give the drink a cooling taste too. Ultimately, a Bloody Mary is not, unlike other drinks here, a sweet cocktail. A Bloody Mary is savoury, it’s salty, and it’s spicy. It’s pretty damn weird.

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REVIEWS

Do your strong opinions drive away your friends? Send us an email at mcattin@aut.ac.nz to contribute to our reviews section.

The Leftovers: Episodes 1-6 Created by Damon Lindelof and Tom Perrotta Starring Justin Theroux, Amy Brenneman, Christopher Eccleston

are about to see Nick Cage go through this exact same thing in the Christian film adaption of Left Behind, but somehow The Leftovers still feels fresh. Of the apocalyptic event, the show asks audiences one big question “what if we will simply never know what happened and why?” How do you live on when your family disappeared for no reason? When there’s no one to seek revenge against?

No one to blame?

The Leftovers follows head of the local police station Kevin Garvey as he tries to manage the town of Mapleton. As local cults cause trouble, he’s not a detective trying to solve the mysteries of the world, he’s just a normal guy trying to look after his daughter and do his job - a job he’s not actually very good at. Every few episodes The Leftovers takes a detour and lets you see the world from the perspective of another character, the first of which follows a reverend played by ex-Doctor Who star Christopher Eccleston. While the idea has potential, it felt out of place and didn’t seem to advance the shows narrative. The second detour felt much more important.

The biggest issue I have with the series at the moment is the storyline following Kevin Garvey’s son. It feels odd too me - it hints at supernatural elements that don’t feel necessary and it just doesn’t seem to fit. A stand out episode follows Garvey as he hunts for a statue of the baby Jesus that went missing. When the show works, it works well and its problems are minor.

It’s been a while since a television series has strayed so far from the norm, and while Under the Dome promised us some post-Lost absurdity, it failed in almost every way, leaving us with only dramas about criminals, cops and doctors.

I have to remind myself sometimes to be patient. We are getting so used to binge watching everything that we expect instant satisfaction. We expect answers only six episodes into a series, forgetting that shows like Breaking Bad took their time to set everything up. We all forget this because we all started watching Breaking Bad a few seasons in, meaning we didn’t have to wait, we just had to click next.

HBO’s The Leftovers started this year and again promises to shake things up a little - a sci-fi series with the freedom and budget HBO provides sounds promising. It begins three years after a rapture-like event where a percentage of the world’s population simply disappear. This feels like familiar ground - we

The Leftovers takes risks; it’s different, it’s a tighter, neater, modern day Lost that has taken advice from all the quality series that came before it. Whether The Leftovers is a 9/11 analogy or simply a portrayal of loss, it at least has something on its mind.

Ben Howard

applause before getting his first big cheer of the night with the dark gloom of Black Flies. The audience was absolutely entranced, singing every word loud and passionately. Seemingly humbled, Howard couldn’t help but crack into a smile several times throughout the night at the volume in the room. When the applause died down, a chuffed Howard noted that he’d never heard the song sung like that, and after the rapturous reception from a full Town Hall, I believed it.

Reviewed by Clint Milne

Live at the Auckland Town Hall Saturday August 2nd

It was clear from ticket sales alone that New Zealand fricken loves Ben Howard, but being there, witnessing his lyrics being thrown back at him, it became clear that we’re a little obsessed. The band seemed to pick up on and ride the energy too, revelling at their success in our small corner of the globe. Crowd favourites Wolves and Keep Your Head Up went down an absolute treat, with the audience jumping to and fro to the hoppy rhythms.

The set comprised quite a few new tunes from Ben’s unreleased second album and despite the songs’ unfamiliarity; they all went down pretty well. The newly released single End of the Affair was particularly memorable and seemed to catch the audience’s attention nicely with a stellar ending, reminiscent of Foals.

From the tidbits I heard from this new one, it sounds like he has taken it in a new and exciting direction – can’t wait to see the finished product.

Reviewed by Matthew Cattin After selling out two consecutive nights at the Studio, everybody’s favourite singer/surfer Brit Ben Howard held the Auckland Town Hall captivated in an emotional and raunchy set.

After some unknown teenager finished his irritatingly adolescent set of angsty acoustic tunes, the audience waited it out for Howard, excitable and primed.

Upon arrival with his full band, he launched into two new tracks to polite

Upon leaving the stage, the crowd erupted into applause, singing and stomping.

It was undoubtedly one of the best encore calls I have ever heard, and apparently Ben Howard thought so too, for he came back out. He admitted that he hadn’t planned on returning, but couldn’t leave us in such a frenzy. Finishing with a hastily assembled and seemingly impromptu Old Pine, Howard forgot the intro and seemed a little unsure in the tune, but the crowd had his back and sung every word. It wasn’t the strongest finish, but as Howard said, it was the drummer’s fourth gig, their route through Australia didn’t go so well and he hadn’t planned on an encore. Not complaining though! I was just happy to hear my favourite tune from the classy Mr Howard.

Monty Pythons’ Holy Grail and Life of Brian Directed by Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones Starring: Graham Chapman, John Cleese, and Eric Idle

one of my favourite movies from the first time I saw it. A parody of the Arthurian legends, the movie sees King Arthur (played by Graham Chapman, the only member to have died) gathering together a group of knights to join him at Camelot, before being given a quest by God to find the much-sought after grail. Along the way they deal with unhelpful French, a wedding gone wrong, killer rodents and plenty more.

The follow up, Life of Brian, turns the satire towards religion and biblical epics.

Set in Judea, the movie follows the efforts of Brian (Chapman once again), Jesus’ neighbour, as he attempts to overthrow the oppressive Romans. Throw in lisping dictators, surprise aliens and symbolic sandals and you have yourself an equally good laugh.

If you are easily offended, then it is best you avoid these movies; they are crude, immature, silly, and parody everyone and everything. However, if you are willing to leave morals and taste at the door, then you are sure to find something to love about both movies. There is plenty of silliness and stupidity, a lot of background satire, plus lots of random musical numbers, crude animated sequences and random and outrageous characters that will have you roaring in your seats.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills Holy Grail: Life of Brian:

Love it or hate it, there is no denying that Monty Python is comedy gold. The sketches are still adored today and continue to influence modern comics. Several decades after the cast last performed together, surviving members John Cleese, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam are reuniting one last time in stage shows that will be broadcast around the world. It will likely be a comedy highlight of the year, but if you have no idea who these people are, it’s about time you lose your Python virginity on two of their finest works.

Their first original big screen effort, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, has been

Guardians of the Galaxy Directed by James Gunn Starring Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Bradley Cooper

These movies are both comedy classics and for very good reasons. They are without the endless stream of pop culture references and dick jokes that make up the majority of modern comedies. If you want something that is both smart and stupid at the same time, then these are the movies for you. Of the two, I would definitely say Holy Grail is the better, though I may be a bit biased when it comes to that. It just feels a tad more complete as a movie, and I still manage to laugh at all the jokes even though I have heard them dozens of times before.

Anyone who needs something to lighten their mood in-between uni assignments and crappy Auckland weather should turn towards these classics for a feelgood time. Unless you have no sense of humour, there is something in these films for everyone. There is a reason these movies are still discussed and enjoyed decades after their release, and if you haven’t experienced them yet, it’s about time you come over to the bright side of life.

Chris Pratt stars as Peter Quill, who was abducted from Earth in the eighties as a young boy, and was raised into a master thief by outlaws known as The Ravagers. Twenty three years on, Quill, or Star Lord, as he prefers, steals a strange orb with hopes of selling it, unaware the object is highly sought after by radical terrorist Ronan the Accuser. After a fight leads Quill to meeting the assassin Gamora, the vengeful and literal Drax, a genetically engineered racoon called Rocket and his comrade Groot, a tree with a limited vocabulary, the group comes together in order to rid themselves of the orb and prevent it falling into the wrong hands.

I seriously cannot stress enough how fantastic this movie is. There is something here for everyone; part space opera, part outrageous comedy, part action, with some superhero movie plot and character staples thrown in. Fans of eighties music will adore the soundtrack, which is essentially the sixth main character and really adds to the movie.

The core cast was amazing, and worked together better than any other superhero group of recent cinema. Chris Pratt, of Parks and Recreations and The LEGO Movie, deserves most of the praise for pulling off both the drama and comedy needed for the role. Zoe Saldana and Dave Bautista were both great as Gamora and Drax respectively, and I don’t know what it is, but I think Rocket and Groot are my favourite movie characters of the year: there is just so much to love about them, and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the unlikely twosome.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills Right off the bat, Guardians was the most fun I have had at a movie theatre for a long time. I have been looking forward to this ever since it was first announced, and my anticipation has only grown with every bit of promotional material that has come out over the past few months. When the time came to finally see this, I sat down in the theatre hoping the next two hours would be as fun and exciting as I hoped, and I am pleased and delighted to say that Guardians does not disappoint.

I will admit Guardians is not without its faults; few of the other characters are well developed, despite the talent behind some of them, and there were a lot of missed opportunities for wider MCU expansion. However, this was simply such a thrilling, visually spectacular and ultimately entertaining ride that any issues are significantly outweighed by the very long list of pros. Guardians never takes itself too seriously, but has enough heart that you truly connect with these characters and cheer them on during the final battle. This will be vying for top place as my favourite movie of the year, and I can’t wait until I have the opportunity to see it again.

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Disability Student Support Education without barriers Disability Student Support provides information and a range of supports to Deaf students and students with impairments to help them participate fully in the learning environment.

If you require assistance from Disability Student Support, please contact us as early in the semester as possible so that we may do all we can to make your time at AUT more rewarding.

City Campus Location: WB119 Phone: (09) 921 9999 ext 8262 Email: disability.office@aut.ac.nz www.aut.ac.nz/disability

North Shore Campus Location: AS208 Phone: (09) 921 9999 ext 7778

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