Debate | Issue 11 | Mental Health | 2021

Debate ISSUE 11 | MENTAL HEALTH | 2021

EDITORS Alana McConnell, Nam Woon Kim alana.mcconnell@aut.ac.nz nam.woon.kim@aut.ac.nz DESIGNER Kwok Yi Lee ILLUSTRATORS Yi Jong, Kwok Yi Lee FEATURE WRITER Lizzy Carmine SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Nam Woon Kim LIFESTYLE AND CULTURE EDITOR Lucy Wormald STUDENT NEWS REPORTER Justin Wong NEWS WRITER Justin Hu CONTRIBUTORS Daria Carrothers, Angela McCarthy, Reece Skelley, David Williams ADVERTISING Jesse Jones jesse.jones@aut.ac.nz

DISCLAIMER Material contained in this publication does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of AUTSA, its advertisers, contributors, Nicholson Print Solutions or its subsidiaries.

This publication is entitled to the full protection given by the Copyright Act 1994 (“the Act”) to the holders of the copyright, being AUT STUDENT ASSOCIATION (“AUTSA”).

Reproduction, storage or display of any part of this publication by any process, electronic or otherwise (except for the educational purposes specified in the Act) without express permission is a break of the copyright of the publisher and will be prosecuted accordingly. Inquiries seeking permission to reproduce should be addressed to AUTSA.

Contents 4 5

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From the Editors Aotearoa’s Fracking Capital: New Short Film by AUT Alumni Goes on the Ground in Taranaki to Decipher Our Climate Emergency

Cheating Incidents Triple at the University of Auckland Due to Online Exams

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Employability and Careers at AUT

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AUTSA Elections Struggling for Candidates

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Active Allyship in the Fight for Rainbow Mental Health

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Are You Languishing?

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Psychonauts and the Evolution of Self-Help

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Winning the Long Game: Mental Health in Sports

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Notes From a Socially Anxious Queen

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Ping Pong the Animation: the ultimate comfort show

30 Horoscopes

Debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

FOLLOW DEBATE! debatemag.com debate_mag autsadebate debatemag

Cover illustration by Yi Jong

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direction we’re going. The theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week is taking time to kōrero, that a little chat goes a long way. I’m here for it. I like to think this issue of Debate reflects the theme a little and maybe gets some of your own conversations going.

It’s worth noting that the theme isn’t just having a chat, but taking the time to. Time is interesting. In its modern, Greenwich Mean Time-sense, Derek

From the Editors Alana It took me a long time to write an article for this mental health themed issue. I wanted to do justice to the topic, and Nam’s scepticism made me realise how easy it is to not quite hit the mark when talking about mental health. It also took me such a long time because I realised I didn’t quite know my own thoughts around the topic. I wanted to untangle my mixed up brain but I was also scared of saying the wrong thing or risking offending, or being tone-deaf to the sensitivity that is required.

There has been lots of talk over this lockdown about the importance of mental health, looking after one’s emotional wellbeing. The solutions put out there include getting out into nature, talking to others, looking after your body through exercise, and eating well. Of course, those are all completely true. Nature has this amazing grounding ability, and I always feel better when I go on a walk or a bike ride or just sit outside and breathe in the air. These helpful “tips” are just the tip of the iceberg however. Mental health is influenced by a myriad of factors, from upbringing, genetics, schooling, trauma, poverty, drug use, and culture. These factors intersect in complicated ways, and due to the variation in humans, they manifest and show up differently. For some, lockdown will be bearable if you are in a secure living situation, if you have a good support system around you, and if you aren’t prone to isolation or depression. It also is dependent on what you were going through before lockdown

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as well, whether you have unresolved pain within you which is asking to be addressed.

Thompson in The Atlantic unpacks its historical origins. In one respect, down to the seconds and minutes, its purpose was to make the British Empire run efficiently.

When it comes to the days of the week, it gradually came to be understood and organised for the purpose of generating capital. Today, we have a weekday and

I think one of the most important things we can do collectively to improve overall wellbeing is to make vulnerability less taboo. Though vulnerability is of strong importance to me, I still struggle with it. The thought of being vulnerable with those who aren’t family or close friends scares me, more than I would like to accept. I’m scared of judgement, rejection, or being dismissed and ignored. But when you’re vulnerable, you are opening up space for connection, and connection is one of the best antidotes against emotional pain. Having someone say “me too”, when you are expressing your own sorrow or suffering is probably one of the best feelings in the world. It is risky though, because the way someone responds depends on their own vulnerability tolerance level. Distress and suffering only gets worse with shame, when you are hiding it, when you refuse to accept it as part of your story. Life is texture.

We need beauty and lightheartedness, and as humans we need to accept that darkness is also part of the same story.

a weekend. This wasn’t always the case.

Nam

seem like a misguided movie to prescribe,

When brainstorming themes for future issues, mental health quickly emerged as a potential topic. I wasn’t opposed, but I was resistant. The mental health conversation is one I always have time for, however, it’s something I’ve grown somewhat sceptical of. I say sceptical, rather than pessimistic or cynical, because I do believe better things are possible – just not in the

this one. It’s live, love, laugh without the

These histories may seem irrelevant to the mental health conversation, but I can’t help but think there’s more work to be done in reclaiming our time from work.

Consider how you're often expected to answer your emails outside of work hours or even when on holiday. Not to mention the reality that people often complete their tasks but have to stick around anyway to meet an arbitrary working day.

When it comes to mental health, I don’t think it’s possible to think too big-picture.

Everything plays a part, and maybe if we had more time on our hands we could take the time to process the grief, stress, and anxieties that employed life – and the threat of unemployed life! – exacerbates.

PS I was going to write a lil review of Mike Leigh’s Happy-Go-Lucky starring Sally Hawkins as a comfort watch but I ran out of time (whoops) and space.

A movie about someone who’s a chronically-cheerful ray of light may but I’m going to need you to trust me on toxic positivity or the white, middle class naivety, and in a climate where we preach kindness, Happy-Go-Lucky is a much needed portrait of what kindness really is.

PPS My pic isn’t my own handiwork, it’s a filter called -CatSad- by _onnebaka_ on Instagram :^) 

Aotearoa’s Fracking Capital: New Short Film by AUT Alumni Goes on the Ground in Taranaki to Decipher Our Climate Emergency

By Justin Hu (he/him) In 2018, in response to the growing climate crisis, the then-newly elected Labour-led government banned oil and gas exploration – but with one key exception: Taranaki.

The province has long been the capital of New Zealand’s oil and gas exploration, yet permits continue to be granted for onshore exploration in the region, despite the government also declaring a climate emergency last year.

For that reason, it’s exactly where activist-filmmaker and AUT alumni Ethan Alderson-Hughes has gone to capture the reality behind Aotearoa’s declaration of a climate emergency.

A Fracking Tour of Taranaki is the filmmaker’s newest project that exhibits the extent of the area’s continued onshore exploration and efforts of local environmental activists.

Graduating from AUT in 2017, Alderson-Hughes studied a Bachelor of Communications, majoring in Television and Screen Production. His past films include Kaitiaki, which was an observational look at the Ihumātao protest and land occupation in 2019.

In an interview with Debate, he says the spark for his latest film came from a chance encounter with a former lecturer.

“An ex-lecturer of mine, Thomas Owen – we met up after the first lockdown and had a big catch up. He was telling me about this tour that he did several years back of the well sites in Taranaki and I just thought that was really interesting.

“I was particularly ignorant about it as well, like I had no idea that Taranaki was essentially the capital of oil and gas production in this country,” he said.

After becoming curious about the topic, the filmmaker says he reached out to Sarah Roberts, spokesperson for Taranaki Energy Watch, a grassroots advocacy group that is running tours in the region.

“Her breadth of knowledge on the topic and her real fiery energy around fighting the industry was something that attracted me to the project.

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Because, in general, when someone’s passionate like that, you want to follow them and listen to them more and learn more from them,” Alderson-Hughes says.

According to the filmmaker, Roberts was motivated to become an activist after she felt contractually misled by fracking expansion on her family farm, which she said also affected her health.

In the film, the high school teacher acts as the audience’s tour guide and primary diegetic narrator as she drives around various fracking sites in Taranaki.

The audience is introduced to activists, including local iwi and Climate Justice Taranaki, who have resisted the industry.

Opening on a short archival excerpt of former prime minister Robert Muldoon describing his “Think Big” projects in the 1970s and 1980s, the film tries to trace the lineage of where the industry’s roots first sprouted.

One of the things that Alderson-Hughes said fascinated him was the lack of knowledge about the scale of fracking operations in the area.

With a week of filming happening in Taranaki, the filmmaker says some residents they met weren’t even aware that fossil fuel exploration was happening in their town.

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“It was enough for me to be like, wow,

transition and he wants that transition

we really don’t know. Whether or not

to happen. That was a very interesting

that’s intentional by the industry, we

conversation.”

never really got that answer, but it was pretty interesting that some of these communities had no idea what those fiery things in the sky at night were.“ Alderson-Hughes says that the opinions of Taranakians who knew about the industry were broadly “eclectic”.

“We met heaps of people – when you have a camera running around, people are gonna come up and ask you what you’re doing, especially when you’re a bunch of Aucklanders in Taranaki.”

He said they met a wide spectrum of people with differing views on fracking and oil exploration in the region.

“You had people who work in the industry and so they’re certainly more defensive about it. You’ve got people who, their whānau are part of the industry, but that they’re very anti and that creates tension within families and communities.”

“We encountered one chap who greeted us at the gate, while we were filming, and he was working on one of the sites and we had a great conversation with him about how he’s eager to move to renewables. He’s ready for that

The film is part of series five of Someday Stories which is a yearly cut of short films from emerging filmmakers that “inspire, challenge, uplift, and question”.

As part of the programme, AUT lecturer and filmmaker Jim Marbrook served as an industry mentor for the film. AldersonHughes says he previewed edits of the film with him and he was invaluable in the post-production stages of the production.

The filmmaker said he was still thinking about his next project, but that it would again be based around the environment, specifically New Zealand’s native bees.

“It’s still very early days, but I want to look at ngaro huruhuru, our native bees. Most Kiwis know about the bumblebee, but we actually have 28 native bee species.

The population is in decline and we don’t really know much about them.”

A Fracking Tour of Taranaki was released on September 20th. The short film is streaming now on RNZ, Stuff, and Māori Television on Demand. 

Cheating Incidents Triple at the University of Auckland Due to Online Exams

By Justin Hu (he/him) The University of Auckland (UOA) discovered nearly 900 cheating incidents last year, in a tripling of its previous threeyear average.

Data released to Debate under the Official Information Act also indicate that the numbers show no sign of slowing down this year – with the university blaming online exams.

This comes after anonymous allegations of “widespread” cheating in the university’s online exams were publicised in June.

At the time, one unnamed student claimed that the cheating was “prolific”.

According to the University of Auckland’s academic misconduct register, the number of disciplined cheating incidents in 2020 surged to 897. In comparison, an average of the previous three years saw an average yearly rate of 287 incidents, though the number in 2019 was significantly higher at 443 incidents.

Meanwhile, before August’s lockdown, there had been 572 incidents recorded in the register so far this year. Debate’s request for information had been sent in July.

Earlier in February, the university had moved a majority of its exams online in both semester one and semester two.

At the time, Vice-Chancellor Dawn Freshwater said it was a decision driven by the unpredictability of Covid alert level changes.

In a statement, university spokesperson Lisa Finucane confirmed that the online exams had resulted in more cases of academic misconduct.

“There has been an increase in the number of allegations and proven cases of academic misconduct in online examinations compared with in-person paper-based examinations.”

The spokesperson added that the university “takes a number of steps to prevent, detect, monitor and investigate cheating in online examinations.”

Responding to Debate’s request for information, the university also added that there were approximately 162,000 exam sittings in 2020.

“If universities simply try to make a paper-based exam an online one, with no thought put into how to ensure academic integrity, then there is a real risk that the issue could become more widespread.”

New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) national president Andrew Lessells said that online exam systems have been a “recipe for disaster” for students in Auckland.

“If universities simply try to make a paper-based exam an online one, with no thought put into how to ensure academic integrity, then there is a real risk that the issue could become more widespread,” Lessells said.

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“We need to be careful that they don’t overreact and resort to invasive software, such as ProctorU. A poorly designed examination will result in some breaches of academic integrity regardless of how dystopian the monitoring systems are.”

In July, Newshub reported critical comments from multiple UOA staff members who said the university hadn’t done enough to prevent cheating. At the time, one staff member said that the university had “rushed” implementing the online exam system. Some staff said more invasive exam surveillance software was needed.

The critical staff comments came after a student complained of “prolific”, “widespread and organised” cheating in an online science exam.

Lessells continued: “For students to have a major portion of their grade assessed by a system that was thrown together in lockdown and is still going through growing pains, results in major uncertainty and stress for students. Add to that an ongoing lockdown and it’s a recipe for disaster for Auckland-based students.

“The current model of online examination was not arrived at by design but by necessity.”

The NZUSA president added that there needed to be a greater focus on designing exams that prevented cheating in the first place and on educating students.

“Massey has been doing it for decades through its distance papers and has a wealth of knowledge that other universities should harness.”

However, Lessells was also clear that he felt more surveillance in online exams – as suggested by some to counter cheating – was not a viable solution.

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“We need to be careful that they don’t overreact and resort to invasive software, such as ProctorU. A poorly designed examination will result in some breaches of academic integrity regardless of how dystopian the monitoring systems are.”

Last year, Victoria University had mandated the installation of the ProctorU exam software in order for some students to take their online exams. According to Salient, the more invasive software was criticised for creating privacy issues and inequities for Māori and Pasifika students.

In its statement, the University of Auckland’s spokesperson added that its online exams were often designed to be open book to make cheating harder.

They added that students also had to take a compulsory course on academic integrity and that the university had highlighted what “constitutes cheating” to students.

“We continue to investigate ways to ensure that the highest standards of academic integrity are maintained and the small number of students failing to uphold these do not adversely impact on others,” Finucane said.

The spokesperson added that students can contact the university’s confidential whistleblower hotline to report cheating.

The Auckland University Students’ Association did not respond to a request for comment. 

Employability and Careers at AUT

By Angela McCarthy (she/her)

Angela from the Employability and Careers team wants you to know that job hunting help is just around the corner. If you’ve been struggling with anything careers-related, read on to see how three students made the most of their services, and what these services actually are.

Worried about what to do when you leave university? Nervous about the idea of getting a job? How do you actually start your career? Guess what? You don’t have to manage those huge life questions on your own. Here’s how three AUT students got started to eventually happily work in their career of choice.

“It was not a one off. They took the time to go over it with me and provide feedback on how to make it work for the role I was applying for.”

Cheryl also was encouraged to develop her LinkedIn profile – an important professional networking resource for students – and attended other

How Cheryl, Matias, and Sharan took the first step in their careers Variety fundraising coordinator Cheryl Masters decided to go to the Employability Lab to prepare herself to look for a job after graduation.

“It felt a bit daunting at first to sign up, but once there, I found it a valuable experience.

The staff were really friendly, sociable, and happy to help me. They answered my questions and gave me relevant feedback and support.”

She was surprised at how comprehensive that support was. She first got help with updating, then refining, her CV and cover letter.

workshops as well.

“Feeling confident about things like your CV and cover letter also gives you more confidence in applying for a job,” says Cheryl.

Joining the AUT Edge Award was another powerful experience for Cheryl. Run through the Employability and Careers service, this award helps students build up work-ready skills through volunteering, leadership, and employability workshops.

Edge students often talk of new friendships developed, as well as the heightened level of skills and confidence they develop.

Cheryl signed up for the Edge Award to gain relevant experience to put on her CV, but it quickly became much more.

“It was so much fun and I got to meet some awesome like-minded people.”

Top: Cheryl Masters, middle: Matias Roque, bottom: Sharan Anand.

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Volunteering also gave her the opportunity to introduce herself to the manager of Harbour Sport where she wanted to do her co-op placement.

By the time she did the placement, the manager had moved onto Variety where she asked Cheryl to help out at a fundraising event.

“I did and she then sought me out for an events coordinator role when it became available at Variety. Proof that volunteering (motivated by the Edge Award) can lead to something more and it helps you build relationships with people in the industry you want to get into,” declares Cheryl, who is now in her second year at Variety where she has now been promoted to fundraising coordinator.

AUT student Matias Roque is delighted to have been offered an internship with Babcock this summer through using the services of AUT talenthub and Employability and Careers. AUT talenthub is a recruitment service offered through AUT Employability that helps employers looking for graduates and interns connect with AUT students and graduates. Talenthub helps students during the recruitment process, monitoring and supporting them as they go through what can be lengthy application processes.

An international student, Matias had already got help with his CV and LinkedIn profile from the Employability Lab staff. He was looking for a summer internship when he bumped into Jade Bradley from AUT talenthub at the volunteering fair. They got talking and she told Matias about the Babcock internship and encouraged him to apply.

“So I did. Then Jade contacted me about an interview and sent me helpful materials to prepare me for it. After my interview with Babcock, Jade was in touch to follow up on how the process went for me. She was very supportive,” explains Matias.

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He encourages all students to leverage the services of the Employability and Careers team.

“It's very useful to improve your CV and LinkedIn and learn how to network in New Zealand. AUT talenthub is also a great service to use because they are a good link to employers – absolutely useful.”

Sharan Anand is another AUT graduate who made the most of the Employability and Careers services. Next month, Sharan takes up a graduate consulting tech analyst role with Accenture, after completing a six month internship as a business intelligence analyst at HelloFresh. He got the internship through AUT talenthub.

For Sharan, the opportunity to attend events and hear from people in the workplace was really insightful.

“I learned about different industries in the job market but also started to see the different industries I could apply my skills too.”

He found the support of the Employability Lab staff incredibly helpful at building his confidence to get out and meet employers.

“To sum it up, the experience was amazing and I always recommend it to my friends still going through university.”

How to get started with Employability and Careers right now The Employability and Careers team run workshops on not only CVs and cover letters, but job search approaches including LinkedIn, networking, elevator pitches, and personal branding.

We also offer one-to-one help, like reminding you that mentioning how well you played recorder at 12 isn’t going to be the deal breaker on your CV. In fact, it just takes up valuable space.

If all of this is overwhelming to you or you’re not quite there yet, we also help students who are feeling a bit lost and don’t know where to start.

You may be thinking that this is all fine and good, but how does any of this happen when we’re at level 4 or level 3 lockdown?

The good news is that Employability and Careers run all their workshops, one-onone appointments, presentations, and events online too. Employers are continuing to recruit and AUT talenthub has helped a number of students successfully land roles after online interviews.

During level 2, our team can be found on the City campus at the Employability Lab in WA202, near the Student Hub.

“It's very useful to improve your CV and LinkedIn and learn how to network in New Zealand. AUT talenthub is also a great service to use because they are a good link to employers – absolutely useful.”

Employability specialists also visit North and South Campus, working from the Student Hubs.

To access these, you simply need to sign

The wider team also has two staff members dedicated to liaising with industry, bringing them onto campus for presentations, panels, career fairs, and speaker events that give students lots of opportunities to learn about the workplace and network with employers.

Student Employability and Careers

There are also plenty of fantastic resources on Elab Online, our online platform where you go to book workshops, events, and appointments. These include My CareerLab resources where you can take your Career Pulse to help you figure out your skills and preferences.

into Elab Online. Don’t forget to check out the AUT Employability Blog too!

Manager Serena Tiaiti is keen for students to use the expertise of her team and the resources that are available.

“We are still available over lockdown and

To find out more student.aut.ac.nz/opportunitiesand-careers/employability-andcareers employability@aut.ac.nz AUT Employability and Careers autcareers

can have a chat to you through LiveChat or have Zoom appointments. We are still running our workshops over Zoom and lockdown is a good time to tidy up CVs and LinkedIn profiles.”

When we’re back on campus at level 2, Serena’s team continues to deliver services online but she is also keen for

Our job boards can also be found on

you to see us in the Employability Lab

Elab Online and on My CareerLab too.

and join our workshops in person. 

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AUTSA Elections Struggling for Candidates

By Justin Wong (he/him) Māori, Health Science, and North campus students are part of a wider student body that will lose representation on AUT’s student association next year, as more than a third of representative roles go unfilled at this year’s election – the lowest in the past three elections.

Nominations were open for 22 members on the Student Representative Council (SRC) to provide student representation across AUT, and to hold AUTSA’s governance board and the wider organisation to account for students.

AUTSA elections in 2020 saw 103 candidates running for all but one position, while the 2019 elections had 51 candidates and only failed to fill three roles.

Only 20 candidates were nominated at this year’s SRC elections to stand for 15 roles, with some contesting for multiple positions.

There are no candidates for seven roles in this election and they are declared to be vacant.

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science faculty representative, and five were in the 2020 race to represent business, economics, and law students.

“It’s a bit of a shame that those leadership roles are not very encouraged at AUT,'' she said.

While AUTSA’s Māori Affairs Officer is elected by all AUT students, the Māori Students Officers at Auckland University’s student association are made up by both Tumuaki of its Māori Student Association, Ngā Tauira Māori.

“Not a lot of people know about it and they don’t know what they can benefit from being in those roles, impact at AUT, or what they could change.”

Contests for the remaining SRC positions are also less competitive than previous years, with only one candidate elected automatically in 2020 and two in 2019.

Eight people have already been automatically elected as the sole candidate in their races this year, including the senior Vice President Academic role by this year’s Design & Creative Technologies (DCT) Faculty Representative, Macauley Cunningham.

At least three uncontested positions, including the Diversity Affairs Officer and the Mature Students Officer, could also become vacant if the only candidate is voted into other roles.

All are student cohort representatives, including the Māori Affairs and Postgraduate Officers, campus representatives for both North and South campuses, and representatives from the business and law, Te Ara Poutama, and the health and environmental sciences faculties.

The seven roles that are contested this year also saw a drop in candidate numbers compared to last year, with those running for the DCT faculty representative reduced to two from 14.

The City Campus Representative job, which saw 15 people throw their hats in the ring in 2020, only received five candidates this year.

Most of the vacant roles saw intense competition in previous elections, with seven people campaigning last year to become the health and environmental

Presidential candidate Sara Youssef told Debate she was not surprised to see a low number of candidates, saying AUTSA has failed in student engagement.

Another candidate for AUTSA President, Ashley Kirkness, said lacking awareness of the roles and what they do are the main reasons why candidate numbers are the lowest in years.

“These roles don’t always get seen – and the space always changes based on who holds the roles.”

Kirkness also said questions need to be asked if the current structure is the best way to represent the current student cohort.

Current Vice President Academic Michael Kanara, who is also running to be AUTSA’s President, declined to comment.

Debate has been unable to contact the fourth candidate, Jaskaran Singh.

Online voting for the election has started and will close at 5pm on October 1, with results announced on October 6. AUTSA said all eligible students will receive an email with a link to vote, and those who did not should check their spam inbox, before contacting them to find out how to receive a voting link. 

Candidates for AUTSA Elections for 2021

Automatically elected

NB: Candidates cannot hold two positions. Candidates indicated by * represents candidates’ preferred role if successful in more than one position.

Macauley Cunningham

Vice President, Academic

Accommodation Officer, City Sophie Ratcliffe (*)

Accommodation Officer, North

AUTSA President • Ashley Kirkness

Vice President, Community

• Jaskaran Singh

• Alex Sun (*)

• Michael Kanara

• Zina Abu Ali (*)

• Sara Youssef

City Campus Representative

• James King-Turner (*) • Nanako Ashley Yoshioka-Watters

• Alex Sun

• Eloise Cameron Smith

• Conor Thomas

Faculty of Culture and Society Faculty Representative

Disability Affairs Officer Margaret Fowlie Rastrick

Diversity Affairs Officer Tanvi Narayan (*)

Design, Communications and Creative Technologies Faculty Representative

• Alex Sun

Khooshi Patel

Rainbow Officer • Harry Chen • Zina Abu Ali

• Nanako Ashley Yoshioka-Watters

International Students Affairs Officer Aashish Kulkurin

Pasifika Affairs Officer Willy Ili

Mature Students Officer James King-Turner (*)

No candidate nominated, declared vacant • Business, Economics, and Law Faculty Representative

• Sophie Ratcliffe (*)

Student Wellbeing Officer

• Health & Environmental Sciences Faculty Representative • Te Ara Poutama Faculty Representative

• Alana Rae

• North Campus Representative

• Nanako Ashley Yoshioka-Watters

• South Campus Representative

• Sophie Ratcliffe

• Māori Affairs Officer

• Tanvi Narayan (*)

• Postgraduate Affairs Officer

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Active Allyship in the Fight for Rainbow Mental Health

By Lizzy Carmine (she/her), illustrated by Yi Jong (she/her) On September 8th, submissions closed for New Zealanders to share their thoughts about the Conversion Therapy bill. In the lead up to the deadline, the rainbow communities rallied together on social media to encourage New Zealanders to make a submission in favour of banning the homophobic practice. Some churches made submissions against protecting the rainbow community, as a consequence of misinterpreting the bill. They feared it would impeach upon prayer and free speech, resulting in dangerous misinformation from influential higher ups.

The rainbow community having to advocate for themselves is “disheartening and dehumanising” says Josh (they/them), a volunteer and workshop facilitator for InsideOUT and a fierce online advocate for rainbow progression. The LGBTQIA+ community having to fight for their rights, and witness members of their community struggle is “emotionally taxing” and cisgender heterosexual people who lack engagement with the community don’t recognise this, says Josh.

In a post on Instagram, Josh writes “as an ally to the community I need you to know how emotionally draining and shameful it feels to be writing in defence of your community’s right to exist freely without discrimination or conversion tactics.”

Josh says “homophobia is a heterosexual problem, transphobia is a cis problem. These problems are not issues that we have, they are issues that we need cisgender/heterosexual people to stand up, acknowledge, and help us to combat homophobia.

The issue is caused by heterosexual cisgender

people who are not engaging with and in queer environments, and are willfully unaware, or at times very aware, of negative messages or beliefs they may be perpetuating because of this.”

I first met Josh years ago at a dance camp in Blenheim and upon Josh’s move to Auckland our friendship blossomed. Today, Josh is self-assured as a non-binary member of the queer community but this hasn’t always been the case.

Growing up in a small, isolated town where cisgender heterosexual identity was the norm, homophobia and misogyny ran rampant. Without accessible information about sexuality and gender, and no vibrant queer communities in sight, Josh was alone in dealing with understanding their sexual identity at just 12 years old. “I didn’t know anything about sexuality and gender identities in the early stages of my life.

There was no mention of anything to do with the queer communities. So, I never had an opportunity to explore or understand what was going on”, said Josh.

Josh experienced homophobia before they had the opportunity to come out. Josh says “at the time if you were a boy and you danced you were instantly associated with being gay.” This created a level of unsafety for Josh to be authentically themselves and trained Josh into suppressing their sexuality, which resulted in years of dealing with internalised homophobia without even realising it. “I was living in this state of hypervigilance, constantly checking myself since I was 12 and that was all my brain knew how to do in social situations.”

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“Witnessing genderqueer, trans, and non-binary people expressing themselves however they want so loudly and people celebrating it to me was absolutely terrifying because I was scared of being associated with that community.”

Rainbow Youth explains internalised homophobia as negative thoughts about homosexuality that is learnt from societal values. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual people are exposed to negative ideas about being attracted to the same sex through socialised behaviours they see in the heterosexual community. “This can lead to feelings of self-disgust and self-hatred.

These feelings can lead to internalised homophobia also known as internalised oppression.”1 Internalised homophobia prevented Josh from finding safety in a community of people with shared experiences, and caused depression and anxiety surrounding being closeted during high school. Josh came out once they moved to Auckland at 18, but avoided fully immersing themselves in the queer community out of fear of being “one of those gays”, says Josh.

“I had drummed these ideas into my head for so long about how bad it was to be an openly queer person. I didn’t feel any sort of empowerment about being gay because I was so stuck with this internalised homophobia which at the time, I knew nothing about.”

The catalyst of Josh coming to terms with their internalised homophobia and gender identity came when Josh moved to Wellington. The visibility and representation of the celebrated and vibrant queer community was a mindblowing sight for Josh. “Witnessing genderqueer, trans, and non-binary

people expressing themselves however they want so loudly and people celebrating it to me was absolutely terrifying because I was scared of being associated with that community.”

Active allyship helps create a sense of safety for marginalised people to authentically be themselves. The workplace can be a particularly heterosexual environment for many of the rainbow community to navigate, and the shared experience of being straight passing at work to avoid discrimination is common.

they’d ever worked in and for Josh, it felt like they were forced to live a double life. Seeing the queer community around them but spending the majority of their days with people who were so far removed from queer experiences made Josh spiral into social anxiety caused by an identity crisis. It was in this environment where Josh’s internalised homophobia was in full force and taking a toll on their mental health.

“It was a full-circle moment, moving to Wellington, seeing these people I was terrified of but also inspired by at the same time and then right now having become that exact person and holding onto being the person I needed when I was younger that didn’t exist for me in that town.”

1 https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/

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Josh says their previous workplace in Wellington was “the most cis heterosexual workplace environment”

Josh quit their job, reached out to InsideOUT and went back to university.

Over those eight months, Josh unpacked their life through therapy and understood their positionality within the queer community compared to others. Josh’s newfound community with InsideOUT intertwined with the diversity of students in Josh’s university lectures gave Josh the confidence and security to understand they were non-binary and at the end of last year changed their pronouns to they/them.

Josh now serves to empower rainbow rangatahi at InsideOUT, and volunteers their time in facilitating workshops that provide support and a sense of community. These workshops focus on workplace rainbow inclusion for large businesses and government agencies in Wellington. They ensure youth will have safe and inclusive workplaces waiting

Seeing cis and hetero people speaking out and activating their allyship through supporting legislation that protects the rainbow communities eases the mental and emotional toll of living in heteronormative spaces.

Being an ally can be upsetting. It might make you angry at the world and how fucked up it is, but it is crucial to know and understand that your discomforting experience is not even close to the queer community’s, who

for them when they finish school.

are actively experiencing it and doing

“It was a full-circle moment, moving to

discrimination. Being an ally is really

Wellington, seeing these people I was

empowering in itself and it’s also self-

terrified of but also inspired by at the

serving, “it makes you feel really good!”,

same time and then right now having

says Josh.

become that exact person and holding onto being the person I needed when I was younger that didn’t exist for me in that town.”

this work their entire lives to combat

Seeing cis and hetero people speaking out and activating their allyship through supporting legislation that protects the rainbow communities eases the

“Allies endure moments of discomfort

mental and emotional toll of living

when speaking out to protect

in heteronormative spaces. Allyship

marginalised communities, whereas

is about protecting people in the

for the marginalised that discomfort is

LGBTQIA+ community, no matter what

daily”, says Josh.

stage of life they are in. 

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Are You Languishing?

By Lucy Wormald (she/her) This lockdown has not really been going that well. I am disorientated and torpid and weary. Adrift in a sea bound and plotted by my own mind.

The first two weeks were spent in or on my bed. My dressing gown, my constant companion. My electric blanket, like family to me. I scrolled and refreshed RNZ’s Covid-19 live blog continuously, finding grounding and order in the news cycle. I have watched four seasons of Will & Grace.

I have worn my track pants so consistently that they have begun to rapidly pill. I have not read. I have not hand-washed my woollens. I have not made gnocchi. I have not become a Pilates maestro. All my lockdown aspirations have been stream rolled by a monster truck of lethargy.

It seems the pandemic has a tendency to erase the body even as it threatens it. I walk, I sleep, I eat. But the experience of these things feels muffled. Like a weak pulse. Or like I am trying to watch a movie through a wall. I am disassociated from my sense of body and my sense of being.

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It feels as though you are muddling through time. Not quite in a mode of crisis, it is also not a state of contentment. You just are.

And then the pandemic also dares to demand endless productivity. I am contrite when I do not work or make. I am ashamed to choose indolence. And time is fickle now – unforgiving, moving erratically.

I have forgotten how to use time. Or maybe I am using it incorrectly. It appears that when I am given such an expanse of it, I abuse it, neglect it. This internalised capitalism nibbles at my mind, ever-hungry, ever-destructive, souring my aimlessness with guilt.

This feeling is not a normal one for me. I certainly have not experienced it in such protraction. Mustering motivation feels mammoth. I feel like I am wearing a heavy coat, shoulder pads like barbells, bearing down, making it difficult to move and to think. I am not burnt out. I have energy. I am not depressed. I have hope. I am joyless and unfocused and listless. I am removed from myself. I am languishing.

Adam Grant, organisational psychologist, says languishing is characterised by the absence of wellbeing. We have grown to understand mental health as a spectrum. At one end lies depression, a valley of ill-being dominated by feelings of despondency and worthlessness. At the other end lies flourishing, wellbeing coloured by a strong sense of meaning and mattering. Grant says languishing is the forgotten middle child of mental health. It is the void between depression and flourishing. A liminal space, it leaches outwards, delta-like, touching both ends of the spectrum, making it difficult to recognise, easy to neglect. It does not exhibit the classical symptoms of mental illness, but it does not possess a picture of mental health either.

The term was first coined by a sociologist named Corey Keyes, who was struck that many people who weren’t depressed

As the fear and grief and frenzy of the early stages of a lockdown fades, many of us are unprepared for the emotional landscape that exists beyond that. also weren’t thriving. Languishing is a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It is difficult to focus and motivate. You are not functioning at full capacity. It feels as though you are muddling through time.

Not quite in a mode of crisis, it is also not a state of contentment. You just are.

While this is not a mental illness, research suggests those who languish face the risk of falling more seriously ill further down the line. Part of the danger of this space is its inconspicuousness, its insidiousness.

How can one chart the diminishing interaction with life around you? And then how to care? Languishing breeds indifference to indifference. When such suffering cannot be seen or acknowledged it is hard to seek help.

Emotions don’t just happen. They are made by your brain, which is in constant conversation with your body, with your reality, with the world raging around you.

Perhaps then, it is not surprising that languishing appears to be the dominant state of many in 2021. The term predates the pandemic, but lockdown and uncertainty is fertile ground for such a state. As scientists and doctors work to treat and cure the physical symptoms of an enduring pandemic, many are struggling with the emotional fall out of such an experience. As the fear and grief and frenzy of the early stages of a lockdown fades, many of us are unprepared for the emotional landscape that exists beyond that. Sitting and worrying and doomscrolling, days defined by monotony, punctuated by uncertainty, tempered by nihility. The world begins to feel like

something that happens to you, rather than something you can participate in.

When I look up “languish” in the thesaurus words such as wither, droop, and deteriorate show up. These words make sense to me, give language to what I am feeling. Grant says that from a psychological standing, one of the best strategies for managing emotions is naming them. Last year, during the early days of the pandemic, there was much effort in the media and amongst ourselves, to accurately describe our collective emotional experience. One that struck many was the description of our reaction to the pandemic as one of grief.

Along with the loss of health security and for some, loved ones, we also were mourning the loss of life as we know it. The naming of this experience as grief gave us a familiar word with which to understand what was an unprecedented experience. Our intimacy with grief as a human experience helped us navigate what we were going through and how we may use familiar tools to deal with it.

While languishing is not as recognisable as grief, naming provides acknowledgement and a degree of acceptance of what I am experiencing. As such, the act of naming such a state may be a first step to working through it. It could help to de-mist what would have been a blurry and confusing time. It makes me attentive to what I am feeling. Now that I know I am languishing during my lockdown I can try, by small effort and without being too hard on myself, to make things better. When you add languishing to your lexicon, you start to notice it existing around you. It reveals itself when you cannot be bothered to cook.

It’s in the absence of joy usually found in leisure. It’s in many friends’ voices when you ask how their lockdown has been. This last one is a reminder that languishing is not unique. It is common and shared and very much a product of the world we currently find ourselves in.

Last week, when I recognised I was languishing, a lot of things made sense.

This week, I have felt a little better and a little clearer. The premise that a lockdown can even go well, or be done well, is kind of bemusing. I am being easier on myself.

I realise this is a mental state borne from being isolated, from being confused, from being cut off from the usual frivolity of life. It is not a flaw of my personality or a measure of my drive and creativity. It is simply a barometer of my mental health during this time.

I realise this is a mental state borne from being isolated, from being confused, from being cut off from the usual frivolity of life. It is not a flaw of my personality or a measure of my drive and creativity. It is simply a barometer of my mental health during this time.

I try to engage with things that usually bring me joy. It does not always work.

But sometimes it does. I feel what I feel.

Sometimes when it is particularly sunny, or when I buy a ten-pack of croissants from my weekly supermarket trip, or in moments of feeling excited when a friend calls or realising I have chocolate, I am reminded of what I suspected all along but cannot feel. In amongst this pause, this chaos, this absence of life and friends, I still exist. 

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Psychonauts and the Evolution of Self-Help

By Reece Skelley (he/him)

This article contains spoilers for Psychonauts 1, which came out 16 years ago, and mild spoilers for Psychonauts 2, which came out a month ago.

Psychonauts is a beloved cult classic video game for many reasons, but one of its most prescient – and most underrated – reasons is its sincere display of empathy for mental illness. Since we’ve all been in a big spooky lockdown and have had quite enough time to explore the depths of our own depraved minds, let me take a few minutes to shill for a game about jumping into someone else’s.

Let’s quickly summarise for the uninitiated: Psychonauts is a series of 3D platformers in which Razputin Aquato, our ten-year-old hero, runs away from the circus and sneaks into Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp, with the goal of joining the fabled super-spy agency of the Psychonauts. Cue a few conspiracy-laden shenanigans – someone stealing the brains of campers here, or practicing necromancy to revive an old psychic war criminal there – and the rest is history.

Every level takes place in a person’s subconscious, and as the first game progresses from psychic summer

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If you don’t beat that mental apparition of Napoleon Bonaparte in a non-copyright infringing game of Risk, then who will?

camp to mental asylum, the minds on display become more fractured. A saner subconscious, such as Agent Milla Vodello’s internal disco party, can compartmentalise infernal past tragedies into near-missable secret areas. On the other hand, the famous “Milkman Conspiracy” sends suburban paranoia past the boundaries of physics, with swirling pavement turning up and around on itself. The allegories and gimmicks are rarely subtle – hell, most enemies are straight up artistic interpretations of negative emotions, like regrets trying to “weigh you down” by dropping anvils on your head. That’s what makes exploring these worlds

and beating these enemies so fun.

Beyond the normal satisfying sense of progression, you feel like you’re actually making a difference for these characters.

Unfortunately, there’s a fine line between assisting someone with their demons, and carrying their burden on your own shoulders. In hindsight, the original Psychonauts has no time to distinguish between the two properly, because it’s a video game. It’s an interactive medium; activity rules over passivity here, so of course you’re going to sort the characters’ emotional baggage for them.

If you don’t beat that mental apparition of Napoleon Bonaparte in a non-copyright

In contrast, one of Psychonauts 2’s early story trailers emphasises “we’re not here to fix people,” and that ethical dilemma is confronted immediately in the game.

head against a wall until you click or you crack – and that lack of accessibility is a major turn-off.

Psychonauts 2 doesn’t care if you “get good”, and it doesn’t want to pressure you into feeling like you have to. It cares about making sure you understand its themes and messages, and it cares that you’re having a good time. For all the cartoonishly absurd fridge horror lying underneath the surface, it never stops feeling like a dorky Saturday morning cartoon.1 This is a story where children are literally sneezing brains out of their heads and Raz is more worried about having a girlfriend. At the end of the

infringing game of Risk, then who will?

These characters do want help, but your progression as a player is at odds with their progression towards healing, forcing an inorganic state of “normalcy” in order to proceed.

(Let’s not act like that’s too deep for a "cartoon" – cartoony stuff isn’t just for kids.

The Last Airbender featured genocide and surveillance states and our ten-year-oldselves didn’t mind. Tangent over!)

In contrast, one of Psychonauts 2’s early story trailers emphasises “we’re not here to fix people,” and that ethical dilemma is confronted immediately in the game.

This is conveyed by the game’s grappling hook mechanic, cleverly imbued with the concept of "mental connection". Think Inception, but instead of a spinning top, Leonardo DiCaprio jumps across space and time using a book of word search connect-the-dots puzzles. Almost immediately it’s used to make neural associations – aligning “risk” with “money” to accidentally inspire a gambling addiction, or “cilantro” and “disgust” to inspire a correct opinion. Consequently, these mental connections put a globetrotting casino heist in jeopardy, and Raz is forced to undo his mistakes before people get seriously hurt. The subtextual fridge horror of the original game

becomes full-blown text here: altering people’s minds, especially without their permission, only spells disaster.

It’s refreshing to see a character not only learn this lesson about trust, but consistently honour it going forward, since the transition from mental saviour to mental assistant adds a lot of nuance in how Raz treats the supporting cast.

Little touches, like asking for consent before throwing his psychic portal onto someone’s big ol’ forehead, go a long way in establishing a relationship of respect. Sure, on some level, you’ve got to suspend your disbelief and accept a 10-year-old playing therapist, giving closure to incredibly powerful super-spy psychic adults. Then again, we always tout kids for viewing the world in a more pure way than us.

Lately, video games can feel less like a hobby and just as much like the rat races we use them to escape from. eSports are a full-time job now, talk about a rat race, right? And sports games sell gambling to kids, and big expensive live service titles are all fighting to be the game you play forever and sink money into until the day you die and who’s a good boy, you are, yes you are, here’s your dopamine fix! It’s an entertainment medium too often defined by toxicity, by bashing your

day, no one’s made the butt of the joke in Psychonauts; it accepts the truth that punching down is both bad comedy and in bad taste – and the characters that attempt to usually get their comeuppance one way or another.

For Raz, the time between games has been only a few days; for us, it’s been sixteen years. Eight-year-old Reece would never have appreciated a disclaimer or content warning before the game started; he probably would’ve been whining about how the game wouldn’t let me play the actual game.

Adult Reece, however, is a professional, superior to a child in every way, and thus, appreciates the way Tim Schafer and co. have managed to expand on the original game in a mature and meaningful way, whilst retaining the nostalgic humour of the original.

Games like this rarely come once in a generation, let alone once in a lifetime.

We assume that we’ll automatically understand ourselves better as we age, but the truth is things never come that easily. That’s why we have to appreciate and preserve Psychonauts now, so when the next generation comes along, they’ll have something they can appreciate too – something that appreciates them back. 

1 (Putting dirt into pancakes “for the umami” is genuinely my favourite joke of 2021, by the way)

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Winning the Long Game: Mental Health in Sports

By David Williams (he/him)

Professional athletes push themselves to the limit in their quest for greatness. But when does that push for gold become too much?

David Williams investigates the pressures under which athletes are placed, and what happens to their mental health after they retire.

CW: Suicide to focus on her own mental health. Both

Now questions are being asked as to

Whether on a national or an international

women were praised (and criticised)

whether this is all worth it. Are Olympic

level, fans want victory. To achieve that,

for opening the conversation about the

medals and world records worth risking

We all want our favourite athletes to win.

sporting bodies spend millions of dollars

mental health struggles that professional

the mental wellbeing of the athletes who

athletes face.

pursue them?

surpass records. There’s a win at all costs

However, sadly, sometimes the pressure

I spoke to New Zealand track cyclist

mentality ingrained in athletes as they set

of high-performance sport on athletes

out on their journey. But how do they feel

can end in tragedy. Olivia Podmore, a

about this?

24-year-old New Zealand Olympic and

and put in thousands of hours pushing athletes to reach greater goals and

During this year’s Tokyo Olympic games, American gymnast Simone Biles stated that she was taking a break from the competition to focus on her mental health. Two months before that, Japanese tennis player Naomi Osaka expressed similar sentiments when she chose not to speak to tennis media because of the

22

Commonwealth games track cyclist, died on the 9th of August this year. Although not confirmed, it was a suspected suicide.

In the hours before her death, Podmore posted on Instagram talking about the pressures high performance sports takes

Rushlee Buchanan and retired Football Fern Katie Duncan about their experiences at high level sport.

Buchanan tells me that the nature of high-performance sport means that you are constantly under scrutiny.

Sporting bodies and clubs set performance standards for their athletes.

Unfortunately, that is the nature of the

on an individual. Former New Zealand

task at hand. “If you want to perform

Olympic cyclist Eddie Dawkins called her

and win on the international stage you

anxiety this causes her. She later pulled

death heart wrenching but completely

have to accept that you will be held to

out of Wimbledon and the French Open

avoidable.

particular standards.”

“What is often the hardest part is to not be consumed by that constant measuring system, and to be able to be self-compassionate when you don’t meet set targets.”

These external standards control not only your place on the team, but your entire life. Dawkins mentions “If you have a bad performance, you lose your funding, you lose the ability to pay your rent, or your mortgage or buy quality foods to sustain yourself, so you’re just getting shot in the foot.”1 But, as Buchanan adds, athletes also set their own personal standards. Even on days off, they create their own goals, records, and expectations to meet. This pressure to measure up to one’s own personal standards places enormous strains on an athlete’s mental health because the only person they must answer to is themselves. “What is often the hardest part is to not be consumed by that constant measuring system, and to be able to be self-compassionate when you don't meet set targets.”

While the stresses of performing impacts current athletes, depression and anxiety can also affect those who have left professional sport. The Mental Health Foundation of New Zealand says that sports men and women are at risk of depression after retirement. According to their CEO Shaun Robinson, “One reason why many athletes experience depression after leaving a top-level sport might be because of the immense lifestyle change that retirement brings to their lives.”2 This statement is true for Duncan.

Football provided a structure to her life and, after that structure disappeared, it made her realise that she had been using the game to ignore her past traumas.

“This, combined with working in my first

low point in my life. It eventually was a factor for me to seek professional help, in which those who may have gone through that process actually lead to some pretty confronting realisations about yourself.”

The tragic death of Olivia Podmore is seen as a final straw. Many former athletes, friends, and family members have led calls for greater discussions on what it is really like to be a highperformance athlete. They are calling for the win at all costs mentality to be readjusted and for sporting bodies to strike a greater balance between striving to win and the welfare of athletes. Or as Buchanan summarises it: normalising failure. “At an event such as the Olympics, most athletes do not 'win', but it does not mean their journey is any less deserving.”

full time proper job, led me to a rather

1 https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/other-sports/300379414/eddie-dawkins-cyclist-olivia-podmores-death-was-avoidable 2 https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/95183339/sports-retirees-rate-as-biggest-risk-for-depression

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They are calling for the win at all costs mentality to be readjusted and for sporting bodies to strike a greater balance between striving to win and the welfare of athletes.

Or as Buchanan summarises it: normalising failure.

Already, sporting bodies are beginning to sit up and take notice of the need to safeguard the wellbeing of their athletes.

In 2017, New Zealand Rugby created Headfirst, a campaign designed to help players deal with stress, depression, and anxiety. As part of their 2024 strategic plan, High Performance Sports New Zealand has placed a greater emphasis on athlete wellbeing. They are creating eight new wellbeing manager roles, mental health initiatives, and introducing objective measures to monitor wellbeing in National Sports Organisations environments. They have also promised $3.85 million to improve wellbeing structures in women’s sports.

Buchanan recognises that sport has gone through its own development and growth, and the importance of integrating mental health into sport at all levels is now acknowledged. Both her and Duncan regularly used a sports psychologist.

Buchanan tells me “I personally have found it very helpful as they gave me tools to use in many situations. We don’t know what we don’t know, so I chose to work with a psychologist to enhance my knowledge base.” Duncan

24

mentions “Being at the top of my sport

But most importantly, if someone needs

meant I was very fortunate to have

support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.

access to professionals such as a sports

Buchanan says “A common misconception

psychologist and a life advisor – who I

is that asking for support is weakness, but in

meet with regularly to plan my year and

reality reaching out is extremely brave and

schedule.”

strong. I can speak on this from personal

But athletes are now less afraid to take a greater stand for their own wellbeing. Buchanan says one of the most important things that she learned was that it was up to her how she perceived the challenges that she faced. “Winning or not, you are always learning, and to look at everything as a learning opportunity, and an opportunity for growth, has allowed me to progress through sport. In sport there are more challenges and setbacks than success, but it is all down to how you perceive things that happen to you.”

Duncan echoes the same sentiment.

experience.” Duncan adds “Don’t wait until you are retired to ask yourself the hard questions.”

High performance sport is an immense commitment where athletes dedicate everything to be the best in the world in their chosen field. But, often, the culture of these sports comes at a great mental strain to the athletes performing. We as spectators want our favourite athletes to win, but that win should not come at the expense of the athlete themselves. When they say they are mentally struggling, we must listen and treat them with the same compassion that the rest of us would like

“You need to find out how you operate

to be treated, regardless of how well they

at your best to manage your mental

performed. Starting the conversation can

wellbeing. It’s not a case of I’ve read this

be one of the hardest steps to addressing

book or had that psychologist session, so

a problem, but with the discourse

I am all good now. It’s forever on going.

gradually opening up there is hope that

So, you may as well figure out what works

future athletes will be able to balance

best for you!”

their wellbeing and drive for success. 

Notes From a Socially Anxious Queen

By Alana McConnell (she/her), illustrated by Kwok Yi Lee (he/him)

Over lockdown, my social anxiety reared its unwanted and ugly little head. Along with a myriad of other issues that made themselves known, anxiety over my health, hopelessness, and alienation, the social anxiety felt the most present. As a social creature whose core desire is to feel safe and accepted, it’s affecting my life, behaviour, and interactions in a significant way.

Now, with everything coming to a standstill, the momentum has been lost, and I have felt like I’m in a constant battle with my brain.

Sometimes I forget about social anxiety. I can be extroverted and outgoing, and may at times seem relatively confident and cool-headed. Pre-lockdown I had an insane schedule, jumping from one work commitment to another, barely having time to sit still with my thoughts. Now, with everything coming to a standstill, the momentum has been lost, and I have felt like I’m in a constant battle with my brain.

I’ve always felt like a bit of an outsider. Loneliness has crept up beside me, and it’s been a difficult companion to shake.

I have experienced social anxiety since I was around 13. It’s overwhelming at different points, coming in hot when I am in foreign or unsafe situations. I first noticed it when I was rejected at school. I was so anxious I avoided going to school and ate lunch in the bathroom. When I moved schools, things improved markedly. I began to finally feel like things were back on track. My parents breathed a huge sigh of relief – they were so worried about me they got teachers to keep logs of how I was doing and report back to them. The wounds never fully healed though.

My self-esteem took a massive hit, and now I still struggle with major self-worth issues. Over the years

Do all of us struggle with social anxiety to certain degrees? Probably. We all feel a little bit anxious or awkward in some social situations. It’s normal to care about other people’s opinions and perceptions of you. After socialising we may think “damn that really wasn’t my best work”, and proceed to pick apart everything we said or did. As experts would say, anything really becomes an issue when it starts to affect elements of your life. So though it’s normal to feel anxious at times, if the social anxiety is becoming debilitating, and results in you avoiding, or partaking in self-destructive behaviour, then it demands to be addressed.

A few weeks ago I was playing Mafia in a group. I explained the rules and we had a mock game and then we started playing and someone else took over the role of narrator. As the game started, someone

25

would secretly be picked by the mafia to be the first victim. As my eyes were closed and the mafia was choosing, I thought, it’s going to be you. Nobody likes you and they want you out of the game. It was this insidious thought that I couldn’t shake, though it was completely ridiculous. As we all opened our eyes and the narrator started the story, that intrusive thought was still there. Just as I had predicted, the narrator described me as the first victim of the mafia. I smiled a little unconvincingly and went “oh well”, and then excused myself to go to the bathroom. I knew it was a game and I knew my thoughts were out of proportion, but the “rejection” part of my brain was activated. That’s a key feature of social anxiety, having this strong negativity bias where you predict something bad will happen and then when it does all of your worst fears become confirmed.

When I walked back into the room, I found out that I wasn’t the one picked to die first. The mafia had chosen someone next to me, and the narrator had mistakenly thought it was me. The temporary feeling of relief was replaced by feeling incredibly silly. It showed me how my brain could so easily go to these extremely irrational places. With social anxiety, you stop trusting your brain, as it doesn’t seem to be working in your favour.

Social anxiety results in me withdrawing from groups. I don’t have confidence in

In the past, I’ve used alcohol to cope with my anxiety, especially if I was going to a party or out somewhere with new people. Drinking would help me feel more relaxed and less inhibited. My therapist very accurately described alcohol as a temporary bridge that allows you to cross from one side to another over icy cold water. When you wake up in the morning, the bridge is gone, and you are forced to swim back to the other side in the water.

It’s such a fleeting solution, and causes more issues in the long term. I still drink alcohol, but I try to be more mindful. The hangxiety in itself post-drinking should be enough of a deterrent. With social anxiety, the coping mechanisms can be avoidance, or self-medication, to certain degrees of severity.

It’s not just about reaching out and talking, it’s our responsibility as humans to actually create spaces and concrete relationships which can withstand conversations that are sometimes difficult or taboo.

treatment of me. It also can feel like a vicious cycle, where I alienate myself as a result of social anxiety and then feel even worse. If someone acts cold to me compared to someone else, alarm

26

there are still so many misunderstandings around it. I still don’t understand if how I feel is a disorder, or just something I’m going through. I get a lot of meaning by listening to interviews of celebrities talk about their own experience with mental health. My respect for them skyrockets, as it helps those watching feel less alone. I gravitate towards podcasts which feature guests talking about their own personal struggles, life lessons, and wisdom. This content is deeply nourishing to me, and it makes me think that maybe I could be more vulnerable in my own life.

You need to be discerning when talking about your own experiences with mental health. You don’t want to expose too much, and you want to open up to the right people, those who will hold space for you and not make you feel even more ashamed.

It’s not just about reaching out and talking, it’s our responsibility as humans to actually create spaces and concrete relationships which can withstand conversations that are sometimes difficult or taboo. All of those PSAs about mental health are vital, but it does need to go further than that.

Though it’s accepted that lockdown has been mentally rough on most of us, are we ready to actually express how it’s affected us, in all of the ugliness and hard stuff?

It’s not a straightforward journey navigating social anxiety, including the adjacent issues that either cause it or

what I say, and I am self-conscious. I am cripplingly sensitive to other people's

mental health, on a personal level, because

I never want to feel like I’m using social anxiety as a crutch or an excuse. I don’t want to use social anxiety to not do things, or push myself out of my comfort zone. It does help to explain a lot, however. Shame and social anxiety

are a product of it. When thoughts arise that are intrusive and dark and negative, instead of giving over all my power to them, I choose instead to observe them.

Without judgement. I try to avoid metaself hatred, where I beat myself up over beating myself up. I need to work on

bells start ringing. If I enter a room and

go hand in hand. It felt almost impossible

people look up and barely acknowledge

to actually talk about it with other people.

believing that I am actually worthy of love,

me, I think what is wrong with me? Social

Like a huge flaw in my personality, and

acceptance, and connection with others.

media is also awful for my social anxiety.

a weakness that I should cover up and

It’s a constant process and it involves

In lockdown, I’ve found Instagram to be

hide. So many people have begun to be

unlearning lots of negative beliefs. Telling

a very effective trigger to spiralling into

open about their struggles with mental

your story can be a vital part of it and it’s

some pretty negative thought patterns.

health. It’s incredibly brave to talk about

never too late to start. 

27

Ping Pong the Animation: the ultimate comfort show

By Nam Woon Kim (he/him) When Alana suggested writing about comfort shows this week, I immediately knew what I would be writing about.

It helps that it’s also my favourite show, but having read David’s piece on mental health in sports it felt extra relevant. It’s by no means a story “about

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mental health”, and yet by exploring the interiority of its characters growing up it still has everything to say on the matter, and in a refreshingly earnest way to boot.

In many ways, Ping Pong is the ultimate comfort show.

Despite operating through the sports genre, it’s also gentle and reassuring.

The story touches on, and perhaps even answers, the question of normalising failure in David’s piece. In any sport, there are winners and losers. Ping Pong doesn’t deny this reality. In fact, when characters lose, they lose hard. Casual and veteran players alike quit the game, sometimes permanently, which often forces them to do some unpleasant soul-searching. The show even gives the most minor of characters an arc, who, after losing in the first round of regionals to one of the main characters, travels the world to find themselves.

Several episodes later they return, realising that the answer lies in this humble game.

Winners and losers, it is tempting to extend this logic to life itself. That one person’s gain must be the other person’s loss is a belief-turnedworldview-turned-status quo we’ve

internalised and grown up with, but it is

When my friend, a professional

one which Ping Pong confidently rejects.

basketball player, introduced me to the

This is why Ping Pong is so comforting

show I thought I wouldn’t be able to

and perhaps why I love it so much. By

appreciate it because competitive sports

tying the story to a setting where there

was never important to me. Strangely,

must be a first and second place, the

only one episode in, I found myself

show challenges our perceptions of what

invested and immersed. There was

being our best self is. Over the course

something familiar and reassuring about

of its lean, 11 episode journey, the show

the emotional rhythm of the show. Ping

makes the most of its cast to explore the

pong is the show’s structural anchor,

different routes one may take. We learn to

but it’s a vehicle for story – the means

appreciate that life can be nonlinear and

to an end. Even though there may be

that everyone truly has their own pace.

only one character that can claim to

This feels genuine because this isn’t a

be the best by the time the show ends,

story that passively mills about. The story

everyone else has gained just as much

emphasises that none of this is easy, and

in their growth as a person. Whether

from the moment the opening credits roll,

you consider yourself the least sportiest

you’re thrown into the eye of their struggle

person you know or your family table

with explosive punk rock which introduces

tennis champion, I encourage you to give

us to the psychology of the characters.

this show a try.

The visual craft of Ping Pong also deserves a little bit of attention, even if this part of the show speaks for itself the most. With the themes in mind, every shot is imbued with warmth or fighting spirit whether we’re on the train home or in the middle of a match.

On an individual level, each character emotes and moves with life in their own distinct way. In the bigger picture, Masaaki Yuasa, the series director, finds endless ways to frame, condense, and expand space to serve the emotion of a scene. Kensuke Ushio’s score, too, enriches the world with creative motifs and soundscapes that mix acoustic instruments, synths, and even the sound of ping pong being played. 

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H o ro s

By Daria Carrothers (she/her)

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21)

You are blessed with lively, loving friends surrounding you, Leo, however they can’t always be the beams that support your sense of self. Challenges around feeling insecure and generally not good enough may pop up. Let this serve as a reminder that you can be both the observer and the performer. The practice of noticing and applauding the radiant nature with which you perform your daily tasks, from getting dressed to simply making a satisfying meal, will benefit you greatly at this time.

Insecurities might be showing their face at this time, leading to feelings of jealousy and resentment. Stemming from a fear of loss, there is a natural instinct for you to hold onto and fixate on these negative energies bubbling to the surface. The saying “as above, so below” is particularly relevant, meaning that fixating on feelings will leave you trapped in an endless loop.

Look after yourself by: Examining what you do well in the world, and patting yourself on the back for it.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Exiting your season you are recharged, Virgo, with a new spark igniting your inner strength.

You are entering a period of focus, dedicated to renewed vision – this could be towards your relationships, career, or a general outlook on life. The past month has clicked the reset button, putting you back on track with a fresh outlook for the remainder of the year.

It is a powerful time to reconnect with the past, Sagittarius. You may rediscover an old dream or wish you once had, bringing forward transformative insights. This Libra season brings forth a multitude of moments to acknowledge your history and release the past that has kept you trapped for the past few months.

Look after yourself by: Continuing to stride forward, knowing you have the power to accomplish what you’ve envisioned.

Look after yourself by: Giving way to the past, and releasing it to allow better things to come forward.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Happy Solar return, Libra! The Spring ​​equinox brings about a more sociable energy with abundance flowing towards you. Your season creates a supportive atmosphere for your love life and your artistic pursuit, just watch out for over-indulging and over-spending. Be smart about your excess, and enjoy!

Going inwards along the path towards the self has brought you great reward lately, but your gaze inwards has perhaps led to a feeling of disconnection from those around you. A

Look after yourself by: Celebrating well, and holding gratitude for the people who celebrate with you!

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Look after yourself by: Welcoming a new perspective into the equation.

community underpins individual success, don’t let thoughtless actions isolate you from those who could help you in the future.

Look after yourself by: Letting go of your drive towards individualism, as your community is not your competition.

copes Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Trust and intimacy are huge themes in the coming weeks. It’s a wonderful time to be reflective of your relationships and how these themes are mirrored in them. You are a master analyst, but how often do you actively practice the simple act of self trust? In the coming weeks, set aside a day and without a specific plan, take yourself out somewhere. No matter the destination you end up at, there will be a renewed sense of comfort within yourself that you have been longing for.

A sense of disconnect may surface during this time, creating uncertainty within your partnerships and wider community. Lean into this feeling, pursue your favourite methods of selfcare – a luxurious candle lit bath with your favourite book or journal should do the trick. Reflect on how you got here, remain conscious to the outer world – reconnection will be sought before the month closes.

Look after yourself by: Refilling your sense of self trust, by trusting that it will bleed over into your relationships.

Look after yourself by: Being gentle with yourself, and letting your self care practices guide you back on track.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

You tend to approach life with a “sit back and let things come to you” attitude, which does typically work. However, this period is calling you to try your hand at taking on an instigator role more frequently in daily life. Opportunities are opening up for you, but you have to run to catch them before they pass you by. Intuition is a great gift of yours, Pisces, as long as you choose to follow it.

During this time your imaginative faculties get a boost. You are being encouraged to tap into more sensitive and intuitive energies.

There is a push to pursue creative ventures, whether that be starting a totally new project or returning to something you put on the back burner. Having fine tuned focus towards a creative goal could see financial payoff if you stick with it.

Look after yourself by: Running in the direction you feel called to. If you move with a slow pace it will overtake you.

Look after yourself by: Connecting with your intuitive creativity and seeing the benefits radiate through various aspects of your life.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Your focus on fulfilling your emotional needs, Aries, will harbour a sense of deep respect with those around you. When you are able to pour from a full cup, it has restorative properties for your relationships. Don’t let the perception that putting yourself first is a selfish act influence your actions. You are no benefit to anyone when you’re downtrodden.

There could be some illusionary narratives being pushed your way, Cancer, either from your internal world or the external world.

Being represented by the slow moving crab, as always the best approach is to wait before making any decisions on what these narratives are presenting. Things will become clearer as you let them unfold before you.

Look after yourself by: Making sure your needs are met first before offering assistance.

Look after yourself by: Remaining slow and grounded on your path as clouding illusions pass you by.

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