How to Have Sex After Sexual Asssault

This article contains details about rape and sexual assault.

If there was a comprehensive list about how to have sex after sexual assault, I would have been all over that bitch in a heartbeat. How do you have sex without feeling like you’re going to have a meltdown/pass out/throw up/insert your own alternative here? The thing is, I don’t have an answer to that. And my god, I wish I did, because it would have solved so many failed sex attempts and panic attacks while trying to get in between the sheets with cute uni boys and people from Tinder (OK, mainly just people from Tinder).

I’m quite candid about my sex life – candid enough to publish all the dirty details in Debate. And so I’ll just slip in here that before October last year, sex was an activity I could do with little to no qualms. Boys were polite, respectful and listened to what I had to say, both in and out of the bedroom. That was until I met a boy at a party who was not polite or respectful and didn’t listen when I said no.

Since that night, it's been a bit of a struggle to get into bed with someone, understandably. PTSD is a very real and valid thing, so no doubt going right back to a place where I was hurt is a tough thing. I’ve managed to find ways to cope, and while they may not work for everyone, they may work for you.

1. Register that your head and your body are not on thesame wavelength. While your brain may know that you’rein a safe place and you won't be hurt, it's a lot harder toconvince your body, and that's okay. People react to traumain a multitude of different ways. Don’t be afraid to tell yoursexual partner that you’re hesitant, and if they don’t respondwell to that, leave them and have sex with someone whocares about your mental health.

2. Remember that it's okay to seekreassurance from people you’re havingsex with. I recently saw a man I’vebeen on/off with for years, and we didthe deed, if you know what I mean.He told me beforehand that it wasOK if I was emotional – I do trust thisman, but he was also the person thatintroduced me to my rapist, much tohis dismay. We were having sex andI felt uncomfortable so told him tostop, and I burst into tears. Despite thefact my rape was months ago, I’m stillaffected by it, and it’s totally natural.He held me as I cried and reassuredme that it was OK, no matter howmany times I apologised – not that Ihad anything to apologise for. Thereis no time limit on how long you can be affected by rape.Everybody reacts differently, and it's not a thing you canget over straight away. If your partner doesn’t register thatyou will be different after assault, honey throw the wholepartner away.

3. Remember that you are as worthy of respect as you were before the assault. That doesn’t change, regardless of what happened. You deserve a sexual partner who respects you and your decisions, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Longtime partner, Tinder hookup, cute unipal you met once and boned, it does not matter – you still deserve all the respect in the world.

The fact is, there is no definitive list, because everyone is different.Everyone responds in different ways, and there is no right or wrong way to react to traumatic events, and so long as you are looking after yourself, you’re doing a great job.You don’t need to jump into sex, regardless of anything. It’s OK to not cope. It's OK to panic. It's OK to worry. It's OK to be scared. All of these uncomfortable feelings are valid. Anyone that tells you how to react to trauma can sit in back to back tutorials for the rest of their lives, because we don’t want them here. Whenever you feel ready to jump back into the bedroom – or the couch, or the back of the car, there is no discrimination here – go hard(pun intended). Sex can be wonderful, and while it’s awful that someone has ruined that experience for you, you’re allowed to take your body and those experiences back. So grab life – and your partner – by the balls, the hair, what everbody part they have, and go live your best life. Free condoms are available at the AUT doctors' offices and at the AUTSA reception.

Remember that you are as worthy of respect as you were before the assault. That doesn’t change, regardless of what happened."

By Jess Rayner

If you or anyone you know needs support after being sexually assaulted, here’s where you can go: HELP: a counselling service for women and families Phone: 09 623 1700 – 24 hour crisis line Email: info@helpauckland.org.nz Website: www.helpauckland.org.nz and www.dearem. nz Better Blokes: a service for men and childhood sexual assault survivors Phone: 021 174 9252 or 09 889 2553 Email: manager@ betterblokes.org.nz Website: www.betterblokes.org.nz Tu Wahine Trust: Kaupapa Maori provider delivering counselling, therapy and support to Maori women, children, and families affected by violence and abuse Phone: 09 838 8700