A Cultural Third Wheel: Life as a Third Culture Kid

Writer: Leila Abdellatif, Editor: Lia Abdelwahab

Imagine yourself in the backseat of a car, passively watching the driver and the passenger in front having a deep, perhaps even amorous conversation that you are—for obvious reasons— excluded from. You guessed it: you’re the third wheel!

Now, what if you lived your whole life as a third wheel? This is surely an interesting concept that may seem very irrelevant to you, but definitely not to the Third Culture Kids (TCKs) out there.

The term TCK first came to existence in the 1960s when American anthropologist Ruth Useem started observing the lives of North American children who lived in India. Clearly, both cultures have very little in common, which meant that these children were often put in the situation of just watching their American and Indian cultures interact with each other; a cultural conversation that leaves the child as an observing “cultural” third wheel. Third Culture Kids usually have three forces acting on them that result in changes and developments in their personality: their parents’ cultural background, the orientation of the society they live in, and finally, their own consciousness. This cultural mix can be viewed as an embodiment of a cultural struggle, simply because the child is constantly torn apart between different beliefs and ideas. Take an Arab child living in the United States; they will most likely struggle with the comprehension of certain concepts like sexuality. This particular concept is interesting because due to the traditional societal dictum, one’s sexuality is a crucial factor in defining them as a person and so it is likely to be a confusing task for the TCK to distinguish where they lie on the spectrum regarding a controversial topic like this. As a TCK, in all simplicity, you are in a constant game of tug of war, but you’re the rope and the two teams are society and your parents… Very painful indeed. Nonetheless, this constant pulling from both sides is what characterises the experience of each TCK, it is almost like a necessary evil; without the existence of a conflict between ideas and thoughts, there wouldn’t be any difference between a TCK and a regular homegrown kid.

The cultural “war” of confusion inside TCKs makes it extremely difficult in terms of the process of self-discovery. Being a TCK is like solving a puzzle because oftentimes you would find that there are always missing pieces of the cultures shaping you. From personal experience, I think as a Third Culture Kid, you can never fully discover yourself because you always have to do everything twice—more or less discover yourself from the point of view of each culture, and then make up an opinion on it. It is very much like a never-ending group project between you and the two cultures you are simultaneously experiencing. However, your role in this group “project” is that of a reporter, and those who make the final decisions are the two cultures; again, a cultural third wheel. Therefore, in a way, being a TCK can be both a blessing and a curse, because it can make you very introspective and open-minded since your consciousness is so deep and divided, but in other ways, you could experience the immense pressure of everlasting indecisiveness. In fact, 40% of TCKs around the world pursue post-graduate education degrees compared to only 5% among non-TCKs, however, a growing number of TCKs suffer immense mental health issues such as selfharm and suicidal tendencies, according to a study conducted by the TCK international society TCKid Now. Decision-making and our society go hand in hand, and so, when a confused TCK is constantly required to make definite decisions on fundamental beliefs, the pressure can certainly be overbearing.

The last idea leads us to the third point of discussion: self-hatred in the TCK community. Imagine always feeling unsure and undecided regarding the things around you and the decisions you have to make on a day-to-day basis, how would you feel? Well, as a TCK myself, I can tell you that I would feel inadequate. Many Third Culture Kids face this conundrum of adequacy, and whether or not they are self-assured enough to make decisions. Such feelings can take a huge mental toll on a young person’s mind and may even lead them to feelings of emptiness and resentment of themselves. Nonetheless, the situation can still be viewed in a lighter manner. Being a TCK back in the day was very difficult, and it is definitely becoming easier as we are becoming more globalised to the point that the word “globalisation” itself seems old now. TCKs have the potential to form their own communities which are almost, interestingly, utopian in nature because—unlike the standard version of our society—TCKs are not defined by cultural differences. A TCK is more likely to relate to others simply because they have no set origin, and so they are like a center around which different cultures revolve. In a way, a TCK is almost the epitome of a multitude of cultures.

The psychological value of being a TCK takes us back to one of the fundamental concepts in our society: judgment. While being a TCK can make you relate to the people around you, it can make you feel lost in terms of physical geography because a Third Culture Kid does not have an origin to help them explain where they are actually from. When asked about their origin, TCKs will almost always tell you their life story as a constant passage between cultures, but can they actually tell you where they are physically from? The answer to this question depends on the judgement of society and whether TCKs are viewed as “too foreign” or not “national” enough by certain societal standards. For example, when a TCK goes back to their parents’ homeland, they can face the problem of lacking a solid connection with the culture there and their sense of “home”, which may cause a lot of judgement from those around them—the natives who haven’t left at all. This can make it difficult for a TCK to adapt and understand who they really are. However, one could view a TCK rather as a citizen of the world, which places a positive remark on how being a Third Culture Kid can be a profound example of inclusiveness.

So, in conclusion, is being a TCK positive or negative? The answer to this is very paradoxical because it could be both. The idea of being a TCK is just too abstract to be narrowed down to one feeling or concept, and so it is something that we can all have different opinions on. However, what we can all agree on, is that life as a Third Culture Kid can be a real roller coaster, much like watching a play, a dialogue, or your best friend’s relationship unfold…