What’s on your mind? Tales from behind the mask

In August, I will begin anaesthetics training, and to be completely honest, these are words I never thought I would write. I recall being a very impressionable F1 who was awestruck by anyone who knew more than me. I remember attending an arrest call and seeing the anaesthetic trainee arrive with an air of calm and confidence. “I want to be like that” I recall thinking. “I want to be as skilled as she is.” I never imagined that I could be, because I had never met or seen anyone in anaesthesia who looks like me. By the way, what does an anaesthetist actually look like? I had a skewed sense that the specialty was reserved for the espresso-drinking, upper-middle-class bike aficionado. At that point, I abandoned even the thought of pursuing a career in anaesthesia..

I began to think about anaesthetics again towards the end of F2. I persuaded myself to organise a taster week. I was greeted with open arms by two very kind registrars, and I fell absolutely in love with the specialty. I debated whether or not I should apply, and for a long time I grappled with the idea. I wondered if anaesthetics, a specialty in which black doctors are severely underrepresented, would feel like a safe training environment for me, a black trainee. Feeling safe and comfortable in training has always been important to me because it has a direct impact on the quality of training received, which is particularly relevant in an apprenticeship model like anaesthetics.

I decided to do some research on black anaesthetists in the NHS. This was difficult, as there are very few; however, in October 2021, Dr Sethina Watson led a campaign on Twitter for representation of black doctors in anaesthesia and critical care. It was refreshing to see black anaesthetic trainees and consultants in the UK. Although I am still yet to meet one in person, seeing them on social media was nonetheless encouraging. The campaign also highlighted for me that I was not the only one who had noticed and felt discouraged by the absence of black doctors in the speciality. This was deeply validating. The application process for anaesthetics training opened a month after this. I was absolutely certain that this is what I wanted to do and decided to apply, after overcoming my biggest reservation. I am excited that I will start training in August, and I am hopeful that more people who look like me will apply for anaesthetics in order to develop a more diverse workforce. I can only hope to be, for someone else, what I saw in so many of these black anaesthetists and intensivists on Twitter.

‘You can’t be what you can’t see’ I always thought to be a cliché. I now see so much truth in it, particularly in medicine. There are specialties that are traditionally represented by specific groups, and it can be quite daunting and difficult to infiltrate and feel like one belongs – because, ultimately, this is what we all want: to feel like we belong, to feel like we deserve to be in a space, just as much as anyone else.

Anonymous ST Trainee