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Consent

Consent is agreeing with words or with actions in a clear manner. While we can see consent in many aspects of our lives, this section specifically touches on consent during sex.

“I should have known something would go wrong the moment I found his tweet: “I <3 ASIAN GIRLS!!!!”...

VICTORIA

queer/bisexual/pansexual Chinese Canadian//cis woman

...but I was still reveling in my new found sexual freedom after moving out for university. He was nerdy, musical, and cute enough, and I wanted casual sex—lots of it. He was a well-intentioned guy who thought he knew more about sex and consent than he really did, and who thought he made a good Dom despite never engaging in kink before. He had his first taste of barrier-free sex with me and was keen for more, even though we both agreed it was a bad idea. I was between birth control methods at the time, and now I wish he’d repay me for all the Plan B from the three short weeks we spent together. That stuff doesn’t come cheap.

I had trouble calling it sexual assault, even though I’ve supported friends in the same situation and presented workshops on sex and consent. Sure, I hadn’t been fully awake—but I wasn’t fully asleep, either, and my sensitive body meant I was responding in a way that would read as “enthusiastic” to any onlooker. If he’d used a condom, I probably wouldn’t even consider it a problem—I like being woken up by sex with a trusted partner. It seemed like such a minute detail to change it to a non-consensual encounter, so I resisted that narrative, telling myself others have gone through much worse. It wasn’t until I encountered a comic book character months later with a passing resemblance to him—and felt an enormous wave of panic and revulsion— that I realized our encounter had impacted me so heavily. Unconventional triggers are, as it turns out, still real and valid.

Coming to terms with the gravity of the situation allowed me to develop the self-compassion to honour my limits. I can enjoy my hyper-sexuality, consensual non-consent, and other kinks on my own terms, while still having boundaries that I don’t want crossed. We were only missing a thin piece of latex, but that made all the difference.

CONSENT is clear, ongoing, freely given, and can be taken away at any time. During sex, consent is knowing confidently that you and your partner(s) are all into the kind of sex that you are going to have. Consent is knowing that your partner(s) feel safe in proceeding with any act of a sexual nature. You can know if someone consents to a sexual activity through verbal communication, body language, and/or observing a situation.

Culturally, it can feel weird to express “yes” or enthusiasm to sexual acts. Many of us have been taught that femmes who are sexually confident are promiscuous and therefore not desirable. Equally, it can also feel uncomfortable to say “no” for fear of seeming rude or fear of hurting someone’s feelings. It is important to reflect in these situations on why femmes will sacrifice their safety to please others. Sometimes people who have more power or authority over us will take advantage of our relationship with them. If we try to engage sexually with someone whom we have authority over, it clouds our ability to know clearly if consent is present. Like most things, consent requires a lot of practice. Practice at home, with your friends, family, at work, at school, and elsewhere in your daily life.

Consent requires a constant communication; asking before, asking during, and asking afterwards. Many focus on before and during and forget to check in after. Sometimes people need more time to process and may only realise afterwards that something wasn’t right. Open communication, acceptance of wrong-doing, and empathizing with your strengths and improving your weaknesses are all important in making sure we are accountable.

If someone doesn’t want to kiss/ fuck/cuddle you, it can make us feel a lot of different emotions. At the end of the day, you do not own your partner’s body. Your partner(s) do not own your body. We must respect and understand this before having sex.

SEXUAL ASSAULT

is any unwanted touching of a sexual nature that is defined by the individual. It can make us feel afraid, quiet, confused, angry, lost, and many other very complicated feelings. Remember that your body is yours alone. If someone violates your boundaries, it is not your fault. There will be resources at the end of this book (page 27) if you would like support on this topic. VICTIM BLAMING is a practice that places the blame for whatever happened entirely on the victim. Victim blaming is to be avoided when anyone discloses that they have been assaulted. It makes people less likely to come forward and share what happened, it minimizes the crime, and supports the perpetrator/ rapist. Here are some common examples of victim blaming:

“You should have said no/stop/ ran away/hit them etc:”

freeze up and be unable to speak or hit someone. It is not your fault.

“You said yes to making out… you led them on”

> You’re allowed to just want one intimate act and not all intimate acts. No one owes you their body because it is theirs and theirs alone. Saying yes to one form of intimacy doesn’t mean yes for all other forms of intimacy. Each act requires consent. You didn’t ask

to be assaulted.

> They should have asked before it got to the point of making you feel uncomfortable/violated.

Sometimes when we’re in a situation where we feel shocked (e.g. suddenly someone grabs us/ kisses us) we can freeze up! It is our body and mind trying to figure out what is going on. It is natural to

“Maybe my clothes were too sexy…”

> Some may say that wearing certain clothing is “asking for it.”

However, we know that people can get assaulted even if they are wearing clothes that cover all of their skin. No one asks to be sexually assaulted.

“We were doing kinky sex/BDSM… maybe I’m just not as into it as I thought I was’

> This can be true, but in kink and BDSM, consent is still very important. You are allowed to set your own boundaries (e.g. I like being slapped with hands, but I do not like being whipped or kicked or punched.) It can be helpful to set up a “safeword” that wouldn’t usually be said during sex. Good safe words are unique, not mistaken for other words, and helps to kill the mood if you need something to stop.