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February 5, 2016| 36:5
TABLE OF CONTENTS
NEWS
Opinion
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Fe a t u r e s
Cu l t u r e p. 1 0 Humor
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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Edina’s R ich Stigma
Erik Lindquist online editor in chief
It’s no secret that Edina is a wealthy city. We have a top-notch public school system that is consistently ranked well on a national scale, and our seniors graduate with “first-class” Jostens graduation robes, something Doctor Locklear kept reiterating at the last senior meeting. Edina has Southdale (the country’s first indoor mall), the headquarters of the nationally recognized franchise, Dairy Queen, and our fair share of houses that are arguably too large. But what sets us apart from the likes of Eden Prairie? They’re home to the Minnesota Vikings headquarters and have been named one of Money Magazine’s “Best Places to Live” in America since 2006. Why are we maligned as “cake eaters” and with the infamous acronym Every Day I Need Attention? Why does my mom ask
me to take off any Edina apparel when we leave city limits? It might surprise people that we’re not even categorized as Minnesota’s top fifteen richest cities. Wayzata takes the cake for the wealthiest, followed by Afton, Excelsior, Eden Prairie, and Minnetonka. For argument’s sake, let’s focus on Wayzata, Eden Prairie, and Minnetonka because they’re in our conference. Anyone who has been to an Edina High School sporting event is aware of the “daddy’s money” chant. From my experience, there seems to have been a progression of our responses to that particular chant. At first, it was an uncomfortable silence within our student section with a few muttered comments akin to “so what?” and no coordinated response. Then it shifted to “and we love it,” a chant that promoted fellowship amongst Edina students. The last development was present in last
Online
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On The Cover Gage Aulik (Cover Art) Katie Manderfeld (Header)
Zephyrus Staff Editorial Board Audrey Sheehy, print editor in chief Erik Lindquist, online editor in chief Madeline Marker, public relations editor Megan Hussey, human resources editor
Noah Chestler, print copy editor John Osler, online copy editor Farhia Osman, art editor Page Editors Hugh Cashman Nate Saunders
Christina Orth Isabel Thompson Anna Gratzer Megan Talghader Colette Bruder Nikki Lund Becca Edgington Molly Sparrow Lillie Westbrook
year’s State Hockey Tournament, when our entire student section threw fake money into the air in response to the opposing student section’s attempted slam. While I was one of the participants, it undoubtedly reinforced other cities’ negative sentiments towards Edina. That moment was displayed on 45TV, the official broadcast partner of the Minnesota State High School League, for the whole state to see. Evidently many EHS students don’t care a whole lot about public opinion, but I think that’s only because we all have heard what people say about us and think there’s no way to come back from it. It’s like when you’re losing in a game, whatever it may be, and deliberately play worse in order to put off an “I don’t care” persona, which takes away the validity that the game had when it first started. It’s interesting to think about where our reputed snobbiness stems from. Who was the first to witness an Edinan commit a heinous act and tell the tale? Whoever it was started a deeply rooted and widely known distaste for Edina citizens. Or maybe there wasn’t a catalytic event. Alluding to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, it seems like Edina is seen as East Egg, the home of the pretentious, “old wealth” Minnesotans whereas the rest of the affluent Twin Cities suburbs are seen as West Egg filled with less obnoxious “new wealth”. Whilst Edina residents make less income per capita in comparison to Wayzata, Eden Prairie, and Minnetonka, there could be some ingrained, fundamental haughtiness that we’re not aware of. Taking on this underlying elitism in order to change other cities’ perceptions of us is no easy task. To further explain our situation I’m going to use a couple
Staff Writers Anne Amen Ben Gustafson Tanner Jones Greta Morton Will Schwinghammer Jenna Simon Max North Julie Yuan
of terms I learned in psychology. Firstly, due to confirmation bias - the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs being cordial and good-natured while wearing an Edina hat outside of “the bubble” would do nothing. Whereas one small act of egotism, something that would normally be overlooked if it was someone sporting Wayzata apparel, is enough to reverse any progress. Also, because of stereotype threat, a self-confirming concern that one will be evaluated based on a negative stereotype, it’s more than possible that we’re unconsciously doing what others expect of us. There are a couple of ways to approach this. One could argue that if we got everyone to actively fight the Edina stereotype whenever they were out and about, then we’d prove the haters wrong, thus inevitably seeing an improvement in our standing after a few generations. That’s stupid though. The reality of the matter is that it doesn’t matter how hard we fight the label that has been bestowed upon us. The only thing we can do is embrace it and do our best to make our reputation and who we really are separate things. Basically what I’m trying to say is that the rep will stay, but that doesn’t mean we should stoop and make it a reality. Denounce the stereotype threat! Our rival cities who are grabbing the low hanging fruit and using the “daddy’s money” chant, like Wayzata, Eden Prairie, and Minnetonka are hypocrites. We live in a beautiful city that has a great school system and even greater graduation robes. There should be no shame in wearing Edina apparel outside of city limits, just think about wearing a jacket too, if you’re feeling particularly snobby.
Head Staff Writer Sophie Cannon
Photographers Nate Saunders, head photographer Zoe Cheung, photographer Josie Al-Najim, photographer Artist Gage Aulik Advisor Sally Larkins
Zephyrus is a monthly publication produced by students of Edina High School; 6754 Valley View Road; Edina, MN 55439; (952) 848-3800 x3087. Zephyrus is an open forum for student expression that recognizes the First Amendment guarentee of freedom of the press, and abides by Tinker standard. Opinions published in Zephyrus do not necessarily reflect the views of the entire staff, advisor, administration, or entire student body. Submissions and letters are printed based on space available. Anonymous letters may be printed only if a Zephyrus advisor or editor knows the author’s identity. Letters should be mailed to the school or given to the advisor or a staff member. Zephyrus reserves the right to edit any letters for clarity and length.
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NEWS
Crime in Edina Megan Talghader opinion editor
Dec. 21 A 17-year-old male was arrested for theft at Southdale after a 2007 Toyota Matrix worth $10,000 was stolen. A 51-year-old woman was arrested for assault on the 7400 block of West Shore Drive. An 18-year-old woman was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia and a small amount of marijuana and third-degree DWI on the 7600 block of Parklawn Avenue after a traffic incident.
photo courtesy of Edina Police Department
Dec. 22 A theft was reported on the 7000 block of York Avenue. Vacuums worth $1,199 were taken from Target by an unknown person. A 21-year-old man was arrested for possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and a small amount of marijuana at Highway 62 and Tracy Avenue after a traffic stop. Dec. 23 A 38-year-old man was arrested for trespassing on the 7400 block of France Avenue after trespassing at Whole Foods. A 48-year-old man was arrested for assault at York Avenue and 66th Street after a road rage incident. A theft was reported at the Galleria Mall. A DVD player worth $40 was taken by an unknown person.
Dec. 24 A 41-year-old woman was arrested for theft and obstructing the legal process on the 6900 block of York Avenue after shoplifting at CVS Pharmacy. A theft was reported at Southdale. A portable hand washing station worth $1,100 was taken from a kiosk by an unknown person. Dec. 25 A 23-year-old man was arrested for fourth-degree DWI at Highway 100 and 70th Street after a traffic stop.
Dec. 26 A 39-year-old woman was arrested for possession of stolen property and giving a false name to police on the 6700 block of York Avenue after a traffic stop. A 2013 Honda Pilot was taken by an unknown person on the 5800 block of Tingdale Avenue Fraudulent use of account information by an unknown person was reported on the 7400 block of Cahill Road. Dec. 27 A 26-year-old man was arrested for fourth-degree DWI and possession of a controlled substance at Highway 100 and 70th Street after a traffic stop. A 15-year-old and a 14-year-old female were arrested for theft at Southdale after shoplifting $370 worth of clothing from Macy’s. A 25-year-old man was arrested for theft at Southdale after shoplifting $501 worth of clothing from Macy’s.
Edina High School Introduces New Calendar Annie Amen features editor
When students look at a school calendar, most immediately scan for the first and last days of school, and any breaks and holidays that divide the plain white “school day” boxes into bearable segments. In the upcoming two years, the Edina Public Schools district calendar has undergone some changes. Although the calendar is largely similar to the years past, some alterations have been made to the upcoming school schedule. The 20172018 school year will begin after Labor Day, because, “Several schools will be under construction the summer of 2017 and the contractors need as much time as possible to complete the work,” said Gwen Jackson, who served on the calendar planning committee this year. The break schedule has been altered as well. “Another change is that historically, students have not attended school the week of Thanksgiving Break. Beginning in the 2016-17 school year, school will be in session two days that week,” said Jackson. Looking at the 2016-2017 calendar, four green boxes indicate early releases scattered through the year. Interestingly, there are no late starts marked on this calendar. The following year indicates a return to the system of two late starts and two early releases. Another welcome modification is the last day of school. The committee has managed to maintain the same number of school days in the year, but “We have just made a few modifications to ensure students get out of school as early as possible in June,” said Jackson. The release date for
the 2016-2017 school year is June 2 for all students, and the following year ends on June 8. Behind the scenes is an entire host of decisions that had to be made to categorize and arrange each day into the mosaic of the finished product. Because the Minnesota State Statute regulates the minimum hours per year that school must be in session, the Calendar Committee must place careful consideration on the number of holidays, breaks, late starts and early releases, and teacher work days. Some of the other parameters the school board sets for the committee include, “If school should begin before or after Labor Day, creating a calendar that works for all grade levels, early childhood through high school, and making sure that professional development days are dispersed throughout the year for teachers,” explained Jackson. The calendar committee is comprised of teachers, administrators, and parents who focus on mapping out the next two years for the district. After reviewing the parameters set by the school board and sending a survey to staff and families in order to determine the most important aspects of the calendar, the committee created several drafts and submitted them to the school board for review. After receiving feedback on the drafts, they had to make revisions and submit the new drafts to the Board Human Resources Committee. “They determined which calendar would go before the School Board for adoption. The School Board then discussed the option and voted on the calendar,” explained Jackson.
Studying at Jerry’s Banned Forever? Will Schwinghammer staff writer
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photo courtesy of Uma Bhati
Recently, a rumor has been going around Edina High School that students are no longer allowed to study in the Starbucks at Jerry’s Foods due to recent theft and vandalism in the store. While there is no store policy officially banning studying, depending on the situation, students have been kicked out for studying. Despite recent petty theft and vandalism has happened at Jerry’s, students are still technically allowed to study in the Starbucks at Jerry’s. The Starbucks at Jerry’s is a popular study spot for students at Edina High School, and some students occupy tables for hours while buying very little, if anything, from the Starbucks or the grocery store. “There has been recent vandalism and theft,” said Store Director Dale Riley, but studying is still technically allowed there. He asks that students occupying a table without making any purchases give the table to paying customers if the need arises, but he also said that studying is allowed in the Starbucks and that there is no store policy banning studying. “As with any public space, be respectful,” said Riley. However, in certain situations people could be kicked out, but Riley refused to elaborate on what behavior would warrant being kicked out. Students at EHS will certainly miss studying at Jerry’s if
the practice of kicking out studying students continues. “The location is sweet. People can bike there, and I believe there’s a city bus stop nearby so all types of transportation are available to get there! It’s a pretty good spot for any type of hanging out,” said EHS sophomore Allison Scholl. Jerry’s is a local favorite for grocery shopping, too, making it an even more convenient study spot. “It’s fun and the snacks are good,” said EHS sophomore Annie Kratz. The rumor circulating regarding studying at Jerry’s being banned claimed that a hooded man stole several donuts before eating them in the Starbucks and leaving and caused the new policy. Riley confirmed that there had been recent theft, but denied the rumors that studying had been officially banned. “No, that’s not true. There’s no ban on studying,” said Riley. Riley explained that some youths had been caught stealing and their parents had been called to pick them up, and he had told the store to reconsider whether or not they wanted to allow their children to be able to study at Jerry’s. There is no official store policy on studying at Jerry’s, but students (including Zephyrus’ own Online Editor-in-Chief, Erik Lindquist) have reported being asked to leave by managers at Jerry’s for studying, and managers have falsely claimed that there is a policy-mandated ban on studying. Students are technically free to try to study at Jerry’s, but recent events suggest that in reality, it might not be that simple.
The coveted studying spot
NEWS
Teacher Contract Negotiations The 2016 POPscars at Edina Anna Gratzer features editor
photo courtesy of Edina Bands
Wizard of Popz concert from last year Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief
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Spanish teacher Erik Gronberg suggested that teachers had chosen to vote against the contract in order to “voice their displeasure with the working conditions in the school district.” Gronberg believes that the teachers who voted in favor of the new contract did so because “people generally understand that nobody is getting big raises anywhere so a small increase is a positive thing.” Both Gwen Jackson, the Director of Human Resources and Operations for the Edina district, and Rob Gardner, a former teacher and member of the Education Minnesota Governing Board, agree on the major distinctions between the new contracts. This includes a salary increase, additional money for health insurance, and compensating sports coaches better. Jackson added that this new contract proposal “has been confirmed that the current offer is the highest settlement among
English teachers supporting the negotiations
Mall of America Courts New Food Courts Isabel Thompson in-depth editor The Mall of America has hundreds of shops to choose from, and people of all ages are drawn in for different reasons. The inside of the mall has a roller coaster park, Nickelodeon Universe, which draws in hundreds more. The top floor of MOA is where to go after a long day of shopping. In past years, several complaints have been made that the food court in lacking in healthy food options. The same old restaurants that are found in every city are there as well, nothing that adds a draw, or pulls in new customers. This past year MOA has made a big change, with a new and improved food court. The top floor is no longer the same old foods that everyone is sick of, but an intriguing new environment for Minnesotans. The Las Vegas based restaurant Meatball Spot features, as you can imagine, a variety of meatballs. From classic to chicken, your mouth will be watering with the delicious taste. And it only gets better from there; they have sauces from spicy meat to mushroom gravy that will only enrich the flavors. “If you love meat, you’re gonna love the Meatball Spot,” says Gilbert Mauricio, five star Yelp reviewer. If you don’t like milk shakes, or unfortunately happen to be lactose intolerant, avert your eyes! The New York based Melt Shop is opening up in the MOA. Although one would think most Minnesotans would prefer a nice cup of hot cocoa in the winter time, they’re wrong. The Melt Shop is open all four season, offering hundreds of flavors. Not only do they have shakes available but sandwiches as well. Their most popular are the Buffalo Sandwich, the Fried Chicken Sandwich, and their Cheesy Tots. The Melt Shop was rated Washington’s top 10 best bites by the Washingtonian. If you’re a true Italian, then Piada is the place for you. Piada is a fast paced Italian restaurant based off of the quick and ready to eat meals that can be found on the streets of Italy. A piada is a hand rolled wrap, baked on a stone grill with varieties of calamari and steak. Not only that, but they also have made to order pasta bowls and salads, providing options for all customers. Additionally, there is the Naf Naf Grill. This restaurant is a build your own pita bread chain. You can add Shawarma or Falafel, and include any of your favorite sauces. Right next door to Naf Naf Grill is Little Tokyo. This Japanese style food is Teppanyaki style and is sure to have your emptying your savings for more. The biggest mall in America just got a little bigger. Enjoy these new restaurants, and discover new ones along the way. One last reminder: show up with a hungry tummy because once you start, you’ll never stop. The remolded food court at Mall of America
photo by Josie Al-Najim
photo courtesy of Edina Bands
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“Although the district usually encounters difficulties when negotiating every two years over teachers’ salaries, this negotiation proved especially difficult.”
photo courtesy of Twitter
This February, the Edina High School Concert Band will perform their annual POPS concert, this year’s performance themed POPS at the Oscars. The concerts will be held at 7:00 p.m. on Feb. 19 , 20 , 25 , 26 , and 27 , and there will be a one-hour Mini POPS – which is a condensed version of the concert – at 1:00 p.m. on Feb. 27 . Tickets are 10 dollars for adult admission and six dollars for student admission, and on Feb. 25 there will be reduced tickets. The Concert Band is EHS’s highest band, which consists of mostly seniors with a few juniors. Because the concert is created by the students, “There is an insane amount of work that goes behind POPS. The moment we came back from winter break, POPS becomes full fledged. First we start with picking songs that go with the theme. These songs include full band numbers, sectional numbers, and production numbers - the dancing songs. Various groups of people also have come up with videos, skits, or songs to audition in front of the class,” said senior Owen Lutterback, two year Concert Band member and section leader. The members of the band then vote on which songs and the skits to perform. The Band then practices for weeks during class and will have two weekly practices from seven p.m. to nine p.m. one night of the week and 9:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. on Saturday mornings. While the rest of the school is out enjoying their long weekends in January, Concert Band members are working hard to put the show together. Each performance is centered around the theme POPS at the Oscars, and although the band cannot reveal all their productions, “the clarinet section piece will be the Lion King Medley,” said senior Lindsey Ruehl who is a two year Concert Band member and clarinet section leader. “I am also in a couple of dances, ensembles, and videos which I cannot tell you about.” The videos are created by the students (usually to introduce the acts) and are shown throughout the concert, and in the past they have been quite hilarious to many audience members. Another important part of the POPS concert is the farewell to the senior band members. Traditionally the band’s seniors will come on stage as a PowerPoint plays with all of their senior photos. “My favorite part about POPS is seeing the final product come together and really getting the show put together that you know so many people enjoy. I love when the audience applauds and laughs along with what you have spent months creating,” said Ruehl. Clarinet section at Wizard of Popz
On Monday, Jan. 4, a team representing the teacher’s union met with officials from Edina Public Schools in order to negotiate teachers’ contracts. A prior contract had been voted down by the members of the teacher’s union several weeks prior. Although the district usually encounters difficulties when negotiating every two years over teachers’ salaries, this negotiation proved especially difficult. The majority of teachers that voted against the contract had frustrations that circulated around insurance coverage and pay. The first version of the contract had teachers paying more for insurance out of pocket.
the Lake Conference districts.” The Lake Conference district includes Eden Prairie, Hopkins, Minnetonka, and Wayzata. However, this new contract has not yet been voted on. Gardner stated that if this contract had not passed through, all teachers throughout the Edina district may have responded by participating in a “Firm Forty.” A “Firm Forty” is when teachers would come in at 8 o’clock in the morning and then walk out at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, teachers limit their time to exactly 40 hours a week so outside of school hours, teachers would not work. If a “Firm Forty” took place, students would be unable to stay after school to have a teacher review concepts with them before a test, essays and short answer test would take months to receive feedback on, and teachers would feel overwhelmed with the amount of work that was needed to complete. Fortunately, a Firm Forty will not be necessary. Gardner released the results on January 21st that the contract had passed by a 82 percent majority.
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Don’t Be Bored, Attend the Board Games Club Colette Bruder opinion page editor
photo by Zoe Cheung
In today’s world, it is hard to find a fun and simple escape from reality. One way to leave behind stress and the world of technology, is with a good board game. Board games provide people with a fun and challenging escape, and they give people a chance to bond over a common interest. The Board Games Club is new to Edina High School this winter. Its mission is to help bring EHS students together over a mutual passion for board games. “I really like board games and have been playing them for a couple of years now. I thought that this would be a really good way to get people together after school and give them a chance to play board games,” said David Ha, sophomore and club founder. Originally the club started as a few friends meeting after school to play cards and games. However, throughout the year, the club has gained a substantial amount of participants. Currently, the Board Games Club boasts upwards of fifteen members. “We had five new members show up! People are coming now I don’t even know,” said Ha. The board game club meets Wednesday, after school in room 261 from 3:30- 4:30p.m “It’s a very loose format. People basically just come and play whatever they want.
There is no sign up or fees for registration required,” said Ha. The Board Games Club doesn’t play your typical childhood board games. “Some common [games] that we like to play are Dixit, which is kind of like Apples to Apples but with pictures, Ticket to Ride, and Splendor which is like a cool gem trading games,” said Ha. All games are provided from Ha’s personal collection. “We have some really unique games that I think people should be interested in. Usually people haven’t heard of them,” said Ha.
David Ha is founder of the Board Games Club
May Term Abroad Ofir Brizinov spends May Term in Israel furthering her understanding of foreign politics
mayors have to balance so many conflicting interests that there is always something they are doing wrong. “It is a lot more complicated than meets the eye. I didn’t realize how much pressure is on the mayor’s shoulders and how While non-PSEO Edina High School students must much he has to deal with every single day,” said Brizinov. wait until May to conduct their May Term projects, senior The shadowing experience allowed Brizinov to see Ofir Brizinov, a full-time PSEO student, already embarked that politics is not just about having the best ideas, or the on her May Term project over winter break. She had the best hairstyle, but really how one deals with adversity. opportunity to shadow a mayor in the city of Gan Yavne, Rather than getting bogged down in the details of every Israel. She followed him for about six days and attended one of their citizens’ wishes, Brizinov saw how politicians meetings and events in the community with him. “I love have to believe that they are doing the right thing no politics, I’m planning on majoring in it in the future. I wanted to see how the “inside” of politics works. I did this matter what tries to deter them. “I understood how tough during my winter break and I learned a lot!” said Brizinov. it is to be a mayor. They have so much power that some people don’t Many EHS appreciate them students would or what they do, probably be too but they have to afraid to tag along keep going,” said with government Brizinov. officials, let alone One of the those in a foreign most important country, but for foundations of Brizinov (who political power moved to Edina is a strong social two and-a-half network. Spoken years ago) Gan like a true Yavne is her aspiring politician home. “I wasn’t Brizinov said, scared since it is “I really liked my home. In my getting to know free time, I was all the people with friends and in the mayor’s family. It was office because I also my birthday love people. It is during that time Ofir Brizinov poses with Gan Yavne, an Israeli mayor always nice to have connections in so I got to spend it different places.” with friends and family,” said Brizinov. “I would add that May Term is a great experience and Brizinov wanted to see up close how political figures deal with the spotlight. EHS students see politicians’ faces that people should be excited about it and do something on T.V. and hear short sound bites all the time allowing for they really care about!” said Brizinov. judgement without so much as an afterthought. In reality, photo by Ofir Brizinov
Ben Gustafson staff writer
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New Year, New Me Greta Morton staff writer
Another year has come and gone. 2016 has officially arrived, and along with it has come the typical mass of New Year’s resolutions. For many, the gym passes have been purchased and the Cheetos shoved to the side, but this year, Zephyrus went in search of a resolution a little outside the box. We got the chance to chat with sophomore Brittany Scott, who has a more unique resolution in mind. Zephyrus: What is your resolution this year? Brittany Scott: So, this year I basically made a resolution to be nicer to people and reach out to them. So when I see someone in the hallway I wave to them, I smile at them, I ask them how their day is going and try to talk to them about things in their life and stuff. It’s just so that I can make sure that everyone that I know and care about [is] okay. Zephyrus: How will others benefit from your resolution? B.S.: I just feel like they’ll have a chance to vent about their life problems or talk about things that are bothering them. It’s something I read about mental illness. [A publication] interviewed a bunch of people who had attempted suicide, and [those who attempted] said that if someone had simply waved to them and smiled they wouldn’t have tried. I’m just trying to prevent things like that. Zephyrus: How are you going to take action to reach your goal? B.S.: Just by saying hi to people and waving at them and really [making an effort] to talk to them about their day. Zephyrus: How will you know when you’re successful? B.S.: I guess just when the people I talk to don’t feel like they have any problems or anything that they can’t talk about. Zephyrus: How long do you think it will take you to succeed? B.S.: I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to say. It’s kind of a day by day thing. Zephyrus: What is the biggest challenge you expect to face? B.S.: I guess just [trying to see] everyone that I know because I walk in the hallway with my head down a lot. Just making sure that I am able to say hi to everyone. Zephyrus: How will your resolution affect you? B.S.: I don’t know yet. Hopefully, it will give me a chance to get closer to friends and everything. I’ll [work] to be nicer. Zephyrus: What have you accomplished so far to help reach your goal? B.S.: I’ve said hi to so many people and I’ve talked to a lot of people about their days. I’ve also made some new friends, which is really great, too. Zephyrus: What are some resolutions you’ve made in the past? B.S.: I made one one year to not drink soda. Then, I made another one to exercise. Zephyrus: Did they go well? B.S.: They didn’t work out, but hopefully this one will. Zephyrus: Do you have any tips for someone trying to accomplish a New Year’s resolution? B.S.: Just power through. Don’t forget what you’re trying to do and just think about the end result of what you’re doing.
photo by Zoe Cheung
FEATURES
Brittany Scott begins her year with an exciting resolution
IN-DEPTH
zharmony Edina’s very own matchmaking site providing you with the couples of the year
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FEATURES
Fa r e w e l l t o C i n d y H e i m
Zephyrus Through the Ages: Valentine’s Day Edition This month we at Zephyrus took a look through the archives to find the most interesting and strange Valentine’s Day features throughout the newspaper’s history. 2013: We begin our journey just three years ago, when a feisty young Features Editor by the name of Matt “The Fox” Dulas decided to answer the countless letters sent to him asking about love on the back page of Zephyrus in The Love Zone. Dulas dispensed such valuable advice and encouragement as, “If you were a Canadian province, you’d be one of the cool ones, like Manitoba or Nunavut or something.” 2008: A very confusing Valentine’s Day issue included a Valentine’s Day quiz to figure out whether your dream mate would be smart, athletic, a foreigner, a Shakespeare character, or a band member. It also featured a nonsensical comic strip with bull murders, archery, implicit sex, and smoking. 2003: A surprisingly frank in depth that managed to plaster the word “sex” in every conceivable place offered applicable, realistic, and no-doubt controversial information and advice on the act. One article analyzed how easy it would be to get away with sex at Prom (and concluded that it was nearly impossible), another interviewed three anonymous couples, one
who was committed and careful going into the relationship, one who had done it in the heat of the moment, and one who had decided to wait. A third article gave more applicable advice on birth control and condoms than many sex ed courses.
Cindy Heim, a staff member in the office, is soon to retire. As her time with us comes to an end, Zephyrus sits down with her to share her experience working in the Edina school system. Zephyrus: How long have you been working here? Cindy Heim: I’ve been working in the Edina school system for close to thirty years. I started at Cornelia Elementary as a paraprofessional in the kindergarten department. Then after that, I I went to continuous progress, which was at Cornelia at the time, and [then when CP] moved over to Highlands, and I followed the principal at the time and worked there. Then I decided that was only a ten month job and I needed a full year job so I joined the family center and worked there for a year. But, I really missed the older kids. Over there [at the family center,] you work with so many little ones and their parents, so I got a job splitting time at Valley View and the Edina High School. A job R etiree Cindy Heim opened up at the media center at the high school and I worked there for a few years, and then I went to another position at the high school in the main office which is where I’ve been since. Zephyrus: Which one was your favorite position? C.H.: I think working in the high school main office. The thing I like about it is getting to know the teachers on a different level and also the interaction with the kids, although I don’t see as many kids as I used to. One time, I did the parking permits and I got to see a lot of the students, but I still get to see a good number of them. I love kids and that’s a big part of why I love Edina. I have three of my own that are grown and they all went through the Edina school system. Zephyrus: What is a special memory from here in Edina? C.H.: I was sick in 2013 and I had such support from the staff and they were so good to me. I had cancer and that whole year was a struggle, but I would come to work and they would make me feel really good. They were wonderful and very supportive. Usually for cancer victims you wear pink on Wednesdays and one of the teachers, Tom Connell, and wears pink every single Wednesday, even now, and that really warms my heart. Zephyrus: What is something you are looking forward to in retirement? C.H.: I’ll be honest, I’m a morning person, but I’m looking forward to not have to get up, then get out the door. Also, I hope to do a little traveling; I have a son in Colorado and he’s given me a bedroom and said it’s always available for me. I’ve got three grandchildren out there so it’ll be fun to see them all. Zephyrus: What is one thing you’d like to say to the Edina staff and students keep in mind for the future? C.H.: Be kind to one another. And also to the staff, be proud of where you work because Edina is a great place with a lot of great kids, and I don’t think you can find that anywhere else.
photo by N ate S aund ers
John Osler online copy editor
Farhia Osman art editor
1992: Turns out Z-Harmony wasn’t the first Edina High School match making game. An short but informative article revealed that a student organized, school wide, paper-andpencil romantic personality test took place over twenty years ago. Each student answered 34 questions (ranging from “What are your plans after high school” to “When you think the word ‘animal,’ what do you think of?”) and each student got a list of 10 potential matches. While some students played by the rules and were happy with the results, a small scandal broke out when a group of junior boys rigged the system by copying the answers of popular senior girls to get 100% compatibility with them. 1985: A poll of students and staff revealed some interesting stories behind first kisses. John Belk, a faculty member, got his first kiss on the right cheek from the Croix de Guerre of France for a ceremony commending his actions in the Second World War. For student Marty Nanne, his first came during a Kindergarten play date when a game of doctor took a bizarre turn. Kristen Staler, another student, had a somewhat traumatic first kiss as a four year old, pinned down by neighbors her own age and forcibly kissed by both a boy and a girl.
The Whiteboard Art of Patrick Simmons
relax and do what you want to do.” Since experimenting on his desk, Simmons has started doing a variety of larger scale drawings, most commonly on the whiteboards in the media center. His drawings have included portraits of popular characters, such as those from the Star Wars and Batman films, and various landscape drawings. One of Simmons’ favorite drawings is one of Marilyn Monroe which he did on the artboard in the art center. Simmons started with a rough sketch of the portrait, and took a break before coming back to refine the drawing. “When I came back from lunch, people were looking at the whiteboard and said it was really good,” said Simmons. “I felt that I could improve more upon it, so I came back and did more with it. That’s why I felt like it was really good because I didn’t give up on it immediately, and it turned out so beautifully when it was Simmons’ por trait of M ar ilyn M onroe named Boris Vallejo. He found he enjoyed done.” After finishing the Marilyn Monroe experimenting with the dynamic colors of pop portrait, Simmons posted it on his Facebook, where it received even more positive feedback. art after being inspired by the style of Andy Warhol. In addition to whiteboard art, Simmons Simmons is dedicated to making art that enjoys several other forms of art, including he will be satisfied with, and that other people work with markers, pen art, and different will enjoy. “I’m really driven to get that final types of painting. Simmons’s inspiration to result,” said Simmons. “So when other people try different forms of art is often sparked by see the art...the way they feel about it takes my the work he sees of other artists. For example, confidence and happiness and puts it on top of Simmons was recently inspired to work with oil paints after seeing art done by an oil painter a mountain.”
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photo cour tesy of Patr ick Si mmo ns
works of Expo Marker art. Simmons has been interested in art since as early as when he was in Kindergarten, when he would enjoy doodling for fun and doing If you explore the media center at small drawings in his notebook. However Edina High School, you won’t see just the it wasn’t until recently that he started typical blank screens or whiteboards with experimenting with his own style through the occasional leftover notes from teachers whiteboard art. “I was looking for my own or students. Instead, thanks to EHS senior kind of passion,” said Simmons. “The fact Patrick Simmons, you will see creative that nobody was really doing [whiteboard art] at the time, and that it was unique to me, was really special.” While sitting in class one day, Simmons noticed a girl doing caricatures and bubble letters on a whiteboard desk in his math class. He was intrigued, and the next day experimented with drawing on his own desk. “That feeling that you could casually erase it didn’t really bother me,” said Simmons. “I knew I could just do another one, and I could keep improving on it. With painting, there’s always that fear that when you touch the canvas you’re going to ruin it...so that’s what I like, the feeling that there’s no stress to [whiteboard art]...you can just One of S i m m o n s’ d raw i n g s i n t h e M e d i a Ce nte r Jenna Simon staff writer
OPINION
Should the Voting Age Change? Head-to-Head
No Taxation Without Representation Tanner Jones staff writer
The 18-year-old voting age stands as a unjust inconsistency in the constitutional American doctrine. Attributed to 18thcentury American Revolutionary, James Otis, the phrase, “taxation without representation is tyranny,” stands as the paramount explanation for colonial secession from the British Empire. For Otis and other early rebels—soon to gain immortality as architects of the United States—an indispensable factor of their blossoming democracy was undisputed suffrage for all those financially burdened by the government. Much to the dismay of Otis and his comrades, this notion is not in practice today. According to IRS Publication 929, minors with an income exceeding the standard personal exemption are obligated to pay taxes. In a purely theoretical sense, lowering the voting age could be disastrous: numerous medical and scientific studies have proven that youth lack the discretion to make important representative decisions. But, in the case of taxation, representation must be guaranteed despite potential consequences. If the United States hopes to continue claiming a democratic status, then, by the very definition of democracy, representation must be granted for all inhibited by law, regardless of age. The 26th Amendment, ratified in 1971, resulted from a similar discrepancy between governmental power and suffrage. Lowering the voting age from 21 to 18, the amendment came as long-sought vindication for numerous able-bodied young men between the ages of 18 to 21, who were subject to conscription for the war in Vietnam and yet were unable to vote. The reduction of voting age was contrary to studies on mental development, but it was crucial in order to maintain continuity and fairness in the legal
system. It is categorically unjust to promote involuntary selfendangerment—as was the case prior to the 26th amendment. Similarly, it is unjust to enforce taxpaying upon a largely illprepared population without first granting them sovereignty. The Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment functions as the legal rendering of the, “no taxation without representation,” dogma. The clause prohibits the state from depriving “any person of life, liberty, or property, without a due to process of law.” In no uncertain terms, the clause speaks to the issue of suffrage by explicitly promising due process—voting, among other things—to all suffering losses from the state. Taxation unquestionably falls in this category. Hence, our constitution itself attests the necessary decrease in voting age. Additionally, the Equal Protection Clause is upheld by numerous other amendments: 15th amendment (no race to bar voting), 19th amendment (no voting limitations on account of sex), and 26th amendment (previously mentioned). Throughout history, the voting age has been subject to change, and foreseeable that a similar change could happen again.
“If the United States hopes to continue claiming a democratic status, then, by the very definition of democracy, representation must be granted for all inhibited by law, regardless of age”.
Moreover, it should be noted that the vast majority of American adults have the capacity to vote. This includes, the mentally ill, morally misaligned, and in many states, felons. Adding taxpaying minors to this pool cannot possibly produce too severe an impact. Further, we live in a strongly partisan system following very generalized political philosophies of liberalism and conservatism. The most fundamental aspect of this system inherently alienates outlying voices (such is attested by the backfire effect of Ralph Nader’s Green Party in the 2000 election). Hence, considering those already granted the vote, and the political system that we inhabit, it must be determined that the potential harm of a lower voting age is minimal. On the other hand, as far as the realm of rights protection is concerned, the potential gains are infinite. Finally, the issue of voting rights is so deeply embedded in the foundations of America that it endures on both the major parties’ platforms. Political motivations must be tossed asunder when considering this issue. For it is not a question of politics or liability; rather, it concerns a clear and decisive violation of axiomatic rights. As long as minors continue to be taxed, it is fundamental that suffrage be granted. Otherwise our society is hypocritical and undemocratic.
Eighteen is just Right We like to believe that as teenagers we know everything, but the fact of the matter is we don’t. None of us do. Most of us (of course there are always exceptions) haven’t lived on our own, haven’t worked full time jobs and lived paycheck to paycheck, and haven’t paid for insurance or property taxes. We may know everything in our own little bubbles, but beyond that, we are close to clueless. At 18, most of us haven’t entered the world. We haven’t been participating members in society outside of the classroom and high school activities.
“At 18, a majority of us do not know what we want or where to start our lives. Therefore, we should not be relied upon to make educated country” decisions at the polls for the country I know there are highly intelligent people who might be offended by that statement. Of course there are individuals who keep up on current events and are avidly involved in politics, myself included. But the percentage of those students is small compared the numerous teenagers who don’t pay the slightest attention to national politics. And honestly,
who is to blame them? Our lives are busy; we don’t have time to focus on the world outside of our own bubbles. However, here is where the problem lies: those uneducated teenagers go to the polls and either randomly vote solely with the polarized political system, or take suggestions from other people. They do not vote on their own principles and beliefs. Even those of us who keep up with political debates don’t have enough real world experience to know what we believe yet. We haven’t been unemployed or laid off, and we most certainly haven’t paid large taxes. Those of us who work will pay taxes on income, but our tax refunds are much higher than those of adults. In Minnesota we don’t even have to pay taxes on clothing, which is usually a large source of spending for teenagers. So although we may pay minor taxes on some products, we haven’t been hit with the burden of living on our own. Because we lack experience, our thinking isn’t our own. Our political views are a combination of how our parents have raised us and what our teachers and role models have taught us. Even I – someone who is strong in my political stance – is sure to change my thinking drastically over the next four years as I slowly step into the world. The years between 18 and 25 are where we shape our sense of self and our meaning in the world. This time is where we find our own beliefs and political stances apart from everything trying to control us. Psychologists have widely agreed that the brain’s prefrontal cortex in the frontal lobe – which controls
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art by Olivia Chen
Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief
decision-making and personality – is not fully developed until an individual’s mid-twenties. The prefrontal cortex heavily influences our abilities in attention, complex planning, decision-making, impulse control, logical and organized thinking, personality development, and risk management. I don’t think we should be able to vote until our brains have developed fully into this stage. Of course there is the argument that some sixteen year olds are smarter than fifty year olds. I will not deny this is the case, but it is only the case in a small portion of situations. We cannot base our decisions for the entire American public on the small percentage of genius youngsters and idiotic adults. Psychological research has proven that the human brain comes into its sense of self after the age of 18. This is a fact we should base our decisions on. I believe I myself am ready to vote, but I would gladly give up my right to vote until the age of 21 in order to benefit society. I want to ensure that the majority of people who are voting are educated: making decisions for themselves based on their experiences rather than being manipulated by others. art by Farhia Osman
OPINION
The Christian Case Against the Pledge Why I choose not to say the Pledge of Allegiance John Osler copy editor Last Tuesday, when a voice crackled over the P.A. and asked the students and staff, “Please rise for the pledge,” I followed the instruction to the word. I rose respectfully, but I didn’t put my hand over my heart. I didn’t mouth along the patriotic prayer that’s been branded into my brain since kindergarten. Looking around my class, though, it looked like I was just about the only one who made that decision. I might be wrong, but from what I saw it seemed like every right hand was in place and every lip was moving, which is surprising given that Edina is a somewhat liberal city and our school has a sizeable non-Christian population. From talking with friends about the pledge, I know that there are at least a handful who think it is an outdated practice. In fact, at last year’s multicultural club show, a group of students performed a bitter mock of the pledge rephrased to criticize U.S. history and foreign policy.
So if there’s significant opposition to the pledge, why do so many students still mouth along? Because it’s easy to make it just another thoughtless part of your day. To go through the motions along with everyone else. Sure, it’s messed up that in this day and age a public institution is promoting religion over the absence thereof, but it’s just a couple sentences. What’s the harm? The harm for me, speaking as a baptised, confirmed, and practicing Christian, is that it’s spiritually and morally wrong. This might be strange to hear, given that many of the loudest defenders of the pledge are bible-pounding Christians. But the Christian faith, like any faith, is a complex set of ideas with many possible interpretations. For me, it means that I am required as a Christian to love God and love my neighbors and take ethically responsible actions upon that love. For me, pledging allegiance is an action that is reserved for religious observance, and putting the North American land mass on par with God would be simply wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want
the school to pump the Nicene Creed over the intercom either. I don’t think Edina High School should be encouraging us to say anything in unison. I’m not a big fan of creeds in general (and the pledge of allegiance is a creed, no doubt about it). I think belief, religious or otherwise, should be entirely self-directed. If they gave us thirty seconds every Tuesday during fifth period to spout whatever personal rhetoric we believe in a chaotic mess of shouting, I’d be in favor of that. But pledging allegiance to a stripped piece of cloth and the ideas behind it, something fallible and imperfect like all human creations? No. We shouldn’t do that. Of course, this is a deeply personal argument, more an explanation of why I don’t say the pledge than a case for why you shouldn’t say the pledge or why the administration should stop running the pledge on the P.A. system. But I encourage you to at the very least think about the ideology you are supporting when putting your hand over your heart once a week and pledging your allegiance not to an idea or a person or a God, but to a symbol.
Female Tax Attacks Nikki Lund culture editor
art by Megan Talghader
You probably have heard that, on average, women make around 77 cents for every dollar that a man makes. But what you may not have heard is that women have to pay more for items such as razors, shaving cream, deodorant, and clothes. That’s right, the gender that is making less in the work field is paying more for necessary products, and sometimes, it’s only because the product is colored pink rather than blue. In 2010, Consumer Reports found that drugstores set higher prices for products directed at women. Unfortunately, not much has changed since then. For example, take shampoo and lotions. Drugstore shampoo, such as Aussie, has a 5% higher price for the women’s bottle, despite having very similar ingredients as the men’s equivalent. Professional-level quality shampoos like those made by Redken can see a whopping 42% markup. At CVS.com, Gold Bond Ultimate lotion for men is 10% cheaper than the least expensive non-men’s equivalent. In this case, it can be seen as a discount for men, as the non-men’s option doesn’t market to either gender. Neutrogena face lotion for women costs $3.88 per ounce, and the men’s equivalent product is priced at $3.46 per ounce, a difference of 12%.
Some people may argue that “women care more about their skin and how they look, so they should pay more,” but that makes no sense. Yes, women sometimes do care more about their appearances compared to some men, but that doesn’t mean that they should be charged more for the same product! Things like shampoo and lotions are things that all genders use, so why should one gender be charged more than the other?
Toiletry items are not the only things that are under the pink tax. Just last year, Old Navy got busted for charging more for women’s plus size clothing, but not men’s plus size clothing. The plus sized women’s jeans were $12-15 more than the standard sized ones. But there was no difference between the prices of men’s plus and regular sized jeans. Dry cleaners are another place women
will pay more for the same service. Men’s shirts cost an average of $2.86 to be cleaned and women’s cost $4.95. Even auto repair shops have the pink tax. Northwestern University recently did a study that had men and women call various repair shops asking about the cost of having a radiator replaced. Women who seemed clueless on the phone were quoted $406 for a job that should cost $365. Men who acted similarly uninformed, were quoted $383. That’s a $23 difference. People will take advantage of dummies no matter what their gender. You may be asking, “What can I be doing to help fight the pink tax and save money?” Most people say to shop in the men’s section for toiletry items such as razors and shaving cream. Unless you buy the fancy razors with multiple blades and “moisture strips,” the only difference between generic old stick razors for men and women is that women’s are pink and men’s are blue. Surprisingly, color has little effect on the hair removal process! Also, do some homework and shop around for the best prices on services or do what one women’s rights groups in France did: start a site and upload photos of products that have unequal pricing. Public shaming companies on the internet sometimes has a positive impact. So next time you’re shopping at your local Target, do some price comparison between gendered items and help fight the pink tax!
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Siblings Under Pressure Megan Hussey human resource editor For many, the question becomes somewhat normal, and very expected: “Are you related to ___?” Yes, in fact, they are my older sibling. Yes, they were captain of three sports and on homecoming court. No, I’m not any of those things. For those of us who have older siblings, trying to follow in their footsteps and falling short every time is all too familiar. The worst part about being a younger sibling is dealing with a teacher who expects you to be as perfect as your older sibling. Just because two people share the same last name does not mean they have the same personality with the same interests. Sure, they may even look alike, but inside both you will find two completely different people. I know that teachers often try their best to eliminate any preconceived opinions of a person based on their last name, but the sad reality is no one is capable of truly escaping their family name. For many, this may be a great thing. Having a star older sibling might mean you automatically get more friends or more respect. For many others, however, trying to eliminate the family name in an introduction is a struggle. The moment my last name leaves my lips, everybody is no longer interested in me, but rather, how cool it is that I’m related to ___. On the other side of the spectrum, many people struggle with eliminating the family name because of how terrible their older sibling is. I have never experienced this myself, but nothing seems worse than having an older sibling who got suspended because they were such a misbehaved student. While other peers will probably not judge you much for this, teachers will automatically assume that because your older sibling was so terrible, you will be a complete disturbance to the class as well. Parents can often be the worst culprits of all. Expecting you to have a perfect 4.0 GPA and get into an amazing college just like your older sibling. No, that’s not how the world works. According to a recent study done by Time, 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers exhibit a preference for one sibling over another. This may be why parents so often compare the younger to the older, but parents must remember that everyone is on their own path, and if that means a little less achievement than an older sibling, then so be it. At the end of the day, siblings can be the worst. You fight, you bicker, and you struggle to be as perfect as they were. Yet, siblings can also be a blessing. They are the only ones that can relate when you get in trouble with your parents. As everyone gets older, they may be great friends of yours. Whatever the case, siblings should be seen as individuals, not a pair going through life the exact same way.
CULTURE
Putting a Price on Love? Will Schwinghammer staff writer
Sophie Cannon head staff writer When Edina natives want to get out of the bubble for a bit, most don’t venture much past 50th and France. Just past the fun streets of Uptown, the few blocks around Lyndale Avenue and Lake Street (aka Lyn Lake) are full of undiscovered gems. Some need some polishing up, but the charm of the quirky neighborhood is something you have to explore to fully appreciate. Here a guide to just a few of my favorite spots in Lyn Lake that I’ve come to love. Bryant Lake Bowl Located at 801 W. Lake Street, Bryant Lake Bowl (BLB) is far much more than just a bowling alley. Not to say that the bowling isn’t a major selling point. One can get a lane for $5.00 most days and a pair of shoes for around $2.00. The lanes are fun, and when looking on the website, there are some crazy moves one can bowl with to shake things up. After bowling up a sweat, the restaurant inside is a great place to chill and get some pretty outstanding bar-type food. Plus, the restaurant is open from 8 a.m. to 2 a.m. every day, perfect for late night burgers and fries. If bowling isn’t your thing and you got sucked into coming to BLB, fear not, for just past the restaurant is a full functioning theater. With comedy shows, spoken word, improv, historical movies, and full fledged productions, the BLB Theater is reason to head down to Lyn Lake, especially if bowling and cheese fries don’t pique your interest right away. World Street Kitchen Located on 27th and Lyndale, World Street Kitchen’s new location is world class good. Previously just a food truck, the food was so popular that the owners decided a storefront in a fun, urban neighborhood was a perfect fit for their unique, spicy, and delicious food. Trying to describe all the food is near impossible without visiting yourself, but
photo by Sophie Canon
Intricate graffiti decorate the walls
imagine an even better Chipotle with twists and turns along the way. Their staples are rice bowls, burritos, tacos, and lettuce wraps, but everything on the menu has something unique added to it. When I went, I got the Korean BBQ Beef Short Rib Burrito. Both the name and the food was a mouthful, and a very sweet and spicy mouthful at that. To classify the ethnicity, I’d say it was a Mexican take on Middle Eastern food, as they also add shwarma and hummus to unsuspecting Mexican dishes. They are open from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m., and with so many menu items to try, I suggest going more than once! Urban Bean (used to be Jackson’s Cafe) When I walked down to the corner of W Lake Street and Bryant this summer to get my lavender gelato and latte at Jackson’s Cafe, my heart stopped. My favorite little coffee shop was missing, and in its place, a “Now Opening” sign for some shop called Urban Bean. Fast forward a few months to now, where I love the new ambience and amazing coffee choices. Still a lover of lavender, I ordered their seasonal lavender and white chocolate mocha which was out of this world. Urban Bean has some cool staple flavors like “Miel,” which is honey and cinnamon in a shot of espresso and steamed milk, and the classic dark chocolate mocha and vanilla latte. Not on the online menu however, are the specialty coffees that range from orange peel and ginger to lavender honey, and chile chocolate. Take a trip down there and taste for yourself, plus take those cute latte art pictures (like I guiltily did posted below). Proper and Prim boutique Halfway down 27th and Lyndale, if you look close enough you’ll stumble across Proper and Prim. Owned by two sisters, this quaint clothing store carries one of a kind items, ranging from sweaters to dresses to Minnesota themed gifts. Prices range, but most items are reasonable, especially since many of the brands are unique and hard to come by in a normal store. Graffiti Walls Not an actual shop or restaurant, but still a must see if you’re in the neighborhood; across the street from Proper and Prim there is a neon pop of color peeking out from behind a building. Follow that and you’ll find yourself looking at walls and walls of amazing graffiti. Each panel looks to have been done by a different artist and has its own unique style. This area is different than most graffitied areas however, in that each artist stays in his or her own area, and none of the art is covering anything else. I stumbled across the area in the summer, so it was fun to walk around and take pictures in the sun. If you can brave the cold, I recommend bringing a weatherproof camera. Within the span of four blocks, Lyn Lake has so much more to offer. Start with these first few spots, and then keep on exploring because you never know what new places you’ll find.
Walker Ar t Center: Winter of Love Lillie Westbrook humor editor On February 13th, the Walker Art Center will open its doors for 24 hours for their “Winter of Love.” This special event will be their Valentine’s Day celebration as well as a part of the Hippie Modernism exhibit. Hippie Modernism is one of the Walker’s best-advertised and attended exhibit in the past few years. The phrase hippie modernism is used to describe the style of art from the seventies - the bloated typeface, bright colors, and revolutionary spirits. However, this is not an official art movement. The exhibit features work from artists from the sixties and seventies, and especially hippie culture. The exhibit highlights technological advancements, interior design & architecture developments, political protests, even a live indoor orange orchard. The whole installment is nostalgic, it draws adults because it reminds them of their childhoods, but also draws youth because of the ~aesthetic~. It focuses on the dreams of a Utopia that many people tried to embody in the time period. The special Valentine’s Day event will host even more visual and performance art. There will be a concert by the band tiny deaths, art that everyone can do called spin painting (like at the state fair), group meditation and live DJs. There will also be indie, underground films from the 60s and 70s showing in both theaters. My personal favorite is the planetarium, which is a room with wall to wall projections of our universe. Come in, plop yourself on a beanbag, and sink into the
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ambiance of the soundscapes and space. The planetarium projection will be presented in association with the Bell Museum of Natural History (beanbags, space, and ambiance. What’s not to love?). All events will take place at different times throughout the night. This event is free to all visitors, but members of the Walker get some perks (like free drinks and a gift). It takes place from 2pm on February 13 to 2am on Valentine’s Day. Bring your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your best friend, your mom, your dad, anyone, really. Just make sure to hit the coffee hard before going so you can stay up for all the fun activities! Visit the Walker’s website for more information at www.walkerart.org. And remember, this event is not only the special activities; visitors will also have full access to all installments as well as the Walker gift shop for limited hours of the day.
Sneak preview photo of the event
photo courtesy of Walker Art Center
It’s that time of year again. Love is in the air and Valentine’s Day is fast approaching once again. For some of us, that means opening your heart (and your wallet) in order to make that special someone’s day. But what’s the best way to have a great Valentine’s Day on a budget? There are plenty of great ways to treat the apple of your eye to a date without breaking the bank. A movie date is a classic standby, but movie theaters are notorious for scamming customers out of every cent possible. Instead, consider a movie night at home (Netflix and chill?) or a more creative date idea, like a museum. The Walker Art Museum is open on Valentine’s Day, and they admit teens for free. The Science Museum of Minnesota admits members for free, and after 5pm on Fridays students with a valid ID can get into the museum or Omnitheater for $6 or to both for $12. Additionally, the Minneapolis Institute of Arts is always free to everyone. Going out for dinner is another great Valentine’s Day date idea.There are plenty of great options nearby for any price range, from the cheaper end of the spectrum with options such as Jason’s Deli to more expensive locations like Pinstripes. Without a doubt, there are plenty of great spots to take your Valentine on a budget. Another tricky aspect of Valentine’s Day is finding ideas for small gifts that aren’t too expensive. If you really put off your Valentine’s Day shopping, the front section at Target has no shortage of low-price gifts and trinkets, and in the back they have a vast selection of Valentine’s Day-themed candy of all varieties. They also sell pre-made flower bouquets. For a better selection of bouquets and flowers, plenty of local flower shops like Bachman’s specialize in custom arrangements or single flowers. Candy is another classic gift idea, and nearby shops like See’s Candy or Godiva have plenty to offer. If neither of those sound like the right idea, there are plenty of more unique gift ideas that aren’t too expensive, such as affordable jewelry, or some nice but inexpensive clothing, or a cozy blanket. No matter the price range, there are always good choices for Valentine’s gifts. In short, it’s not necessary to break the bank in order to please your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day. Sweetheart’s itself can be fairly pricey, but with some good planning and thoughtful budgeting, there’s no need to spend to excess to make the Valentine’s a great night!
BEYOND THE BUBBLE: Lyn Lake
Va l e n t i n e’s D a y Gift Guide Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and while 99 percent of Edina High School students will be tweeting “forever alone,” a select few may actually have plans. In order to celebrate Valentine’s Day, one must have a valentine. The perfect day must start and end with the perfect gift. The perfect gift varies from person to person. So, the question is, tried-and-true classics or something different? While cliché may work for some people, other valentines might think an original idea is the most thoughtful. A great idea that is becoming more and more commonplace is a scavenger hunt. Leave a note in the valentine’s room and give them clues to find you in a romantic place. Another idea is to make a photo album of yourself and your valentine. “My dream valentine’s gift would be something fun and new. I’d be really impressed if my valentine made a puzzle out of a picture of us. We’d get to spend the whole night putting it together,” said senior Jamie Mustful. If your valentine is spontaneous, he or she may take the classic chocolates and a teddy bear as a lame cliché, so make sure to be creative. “Flowers are a classic. Nothing would make me happier than if that special someone rang my doorbell with roses,” said senior Bailey Johnson. “A teddy bear and some chocolate. You can’t go wrong with that. Works for me every time. Girls
love that stuff, it’s in all the movies,” said junior Will Hill. Chocolate and roses; they are to Valentine’s Day as eggs are to Easter. As Hill said, it’s all in the movies. It’s debatable how much actual enjoyment a girl will get from a teddy bear, but through pop culture these gifts have become a universal symbol to show you care. If romance was the same for everyone, it wouldn’t be special. Love manifests itself in innumerable ways, and that’s why Valentine’s Day gifts reflect the many different faces of love and romance. “I’m going to give my valentine cologne. He loves to smell good almost as much as I love it when he smells good,” said Johnson. If she was with a different boy, he might find it an offending suggestion about his personal hygiene. However, it’s a perfect gift for him because that’s the nature of their relationship. If finding a gift for Valentine’s is truly a complicated task, there are two gifts that can’t go wrong: full and undivided attention and a warm kiss.
art by Meredith Song
Hugh Cashman news editor
CULTURE
Hulu vs Netflix
Hoyle. The improvisation adds a hilarious twist to the notorious Wild West. The town is in good hands when Sheriff Hoyle and his sidekick, Deputy Eli Brocias (Nick Brown) are on the lookout. Watch if you like Television streaming grows more popular everyday. shows similar to “The Wrong Mans,” “Alpha House,” or And with plenty of choices to pick from, how does “Second Generation Wayans.” one know which provider is best? The deciding factor “Between” is a Netflix original series about a could be cost, quality of the streaming, or perhaps even popularity and ratings. But what most people often forget mysterious disease that kills anyone over 21. It chronicles the life of a teenage minister’s daughter to consider is what original shows are actually supplied (Jennette McCurdy) as she deals with a pregnancy, a by the provider. Below is a list of original series by two of the top streaming services, Hulu and Netflix. This will suspicious new boyfriend (Jesse Carere), and her town’s outbreak of this disease, in addition to the multiple make the life-changing decision a little easier. crooks in her town and the strange criminal punishments. “East Los High” is a Hulu original series based Watch this sci-fi drama if you like watching “Bloodline,” in East Los Angeles. This television drama is seen “Sense8,” or “Crossing Lines.” through the lives of four Latino-American teens as “Marco Polo” is a Netflix original drama series they encounter the thrills of high school. Or, at least, based on Marco Polo (Lorenzo the stereotypical high school. photo courtesy of Netflix Richelmy) and his experiences with The show stars Jessie (Janine Kublai Khan (Benedict Wong) back Larina), the geek, Vanessa in the late 1200s. Kublai Khan was (Camila Barrios), the popular the Mongolian ruler during the Yuan girl, Jacob (Gabriel Chavarria), Dynasty and Marco Polo worked as an the guy everyone is crushing on, official in Khan’s court. The program and Maya (Alicia Sixtos), the entertains the audience with war, rebellious runaway. Watch if you diplomatic tensions and gore. Watch like shows similar to “The Secret if you’re interested in shows like Life of the American Teenager,” “Reign,” “Z Nation,” or “Longmire.” “The Fosters,” or “Awkward.” photo courtesy of Hulu “Fuller House” is a Netflix spinoff “Misfits” is a Hulu original series based on the infamous 90s show, “Full House.” sci-fi dramedy based in the UK. It features a group of Watch and reminisce as the Tanner household comes young criminals: Nathan (Robert Sheehan), Simon to life once again—this time, even more jam packed. (Iwan Rheon), Kelly (Lauren Socha), Alisha (Antonia Candace Cameron (DJ), Bob Saget (Danny), Jodie Thomas) and Curtis (Nathan Stewart Jarrett). During a Sweetin (Stephanie), Dave Coulier (Joey), Andrea community service project, the five get mixed up in an electrical storm and gain superpowers. “Misfits” includes Barber (Kimmy Gibbler), John Stamos (Uncle Jesse) and Lori Loughlin (Aunt Becky) have all returned to reprise crime, drama, mystery, and a comedic twist to balance their roles. Though the littlest Tanner, Michelle (Marythe show. If you like shows like “Doctor Who,” “Being Kate and Ashley Olsen), will not be rejoining the Tanner Human,” or “Skins,” then you might be interested in household, the show seems to be drawing in countless watching this program. “Quick Draw” is a Hulu original series based in Great fans once again. Netflix and Hulu both offer a variety of unique Bend, Kansas in 1875. This satirical comedy is full of shows, but now the time has come to make the choice. witty one-liners as it follows John Lehr in his partially What’ll it be? unscripted portrayal of small town sheriff, John Henry Greta Morton staff writer
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The Great Hot Chocolate Debate
Nothing says “sweet salvation” better than escaping the cold with a rich, steaming cup of hot chocolate. But where can this perfect winter elixir be found? Many factors contribute to the definition of perfect, including richness, flavor, temperature, price, and ambience of location. One could visit any Caribou in the country and get the same atmosphere as the one two miles away from their house. Therefore, Zephyrus presents a comprehensive list of all the hot chocolate hotspots in and around Edina. So without further ado, here is a definitive ranking of the many options at and beyond the common picks at big-name coffee shops. Caribou Coffee Dark Hot Chocolate: The main advantage at Caribou is that you can pick the flavor of chocolate - white, milk, or dark, and specify a temperature so that the first sips aren’t scalding hot. Also, Caribou practices a sacred ritual in which they liberally cover the whipped cream on top with chocolate chips. These sweet morsels sink to the bottom of the cup and end the drink in a lovely, messy morass of melted chocolate that is perfectly acceptable to extract with your fingers. The coffee shop itself is nice, but never unique to a single location. Cost for a small: $3.19. Rating: 4.5/5 stars. Perkins Hot Chocolate: Perkins serves their hot chocolate
in a reasonably sized mug topped with whipped cream. The first sips were extremely sweet and thankfully not scalding, but as the drink cooled it was not a very rich flavor. Overall it was lighter and sweeter, as if it had been made with Hershey’s milk chocolate. Cost: $2.39. Rating: 3.5/5 stars. Royal Grounds Mint Hot Chocolate: If you’re looking for an adventure, this cozy and eclectically furnished coffee shop is located off the beaten path in Minneapolis on the corner of 42nd street and Grand Avenue. They offer mint hot chocolate done right - the mint is present as its own flavor, but it is not overwhelming, nor is it overpowered by the chocolate. Cost for a small: $3.25. Rating: 4/5 stars. Patrick’s Hot Chocolate: Decidedly richer than Perkins and holding a slight edge over Royal Grounds, the hot chocolate from Patrick’s bakery and cafe is served steaming hot - a perfect hand warmer while waiting for it to cool slightly. The flavor is closer to a dark chocolate mix, rather than the overly sweet taste of milk chocolate. Cost: $3.05. Rating: 4.5/5 stars. Sparrow Cafe: Not quite as rich as the Patrick’s hot chocolate, but the flavor was much better than Perkins. The taste was comparable to Royal Grounds, and for the price, has very good quality. The Sparrow Cafe is on 50th and Penn Avenue and possesses a wonderful, unique ambience, with blue walls painted with birds and airy white curtains in the windows. Its tiny tables and chalkboard menu make it the
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perfect destination for a break in the middle of a busy week. Cost for a small: $2.25. Rating: 4/5 stars. Trader Joe’s Sipping Chocolate (mix): If you’re a diehard winter hermit and don’t want to leave the house, even in pursuit of the fine art that is hot chocolate, never fear! Trader Joe’s has the solution for you! Purchasable in a tin that will yield many sips of bliss, the recipe for Trader Joe’s sipping chocolate is simple: ¼ cup of half-and-half, and three tablespoons of mix. Due to the fantastically rich nature of this mixture, this recipe yields two servings - you only need a tiny cup to feel as if angels have descended from the heavens and blessed the cup which you so reverently cradle after your first taste. Cost for a tin: worth it. Rating: 6/5 stars. photo by Josie Al-Najim
Anne Amen features editor
One of winter’s greatest drinks
SPORTS
Sports Couples: Cold Weather, Warm Hearts S n o w M u c h Fu n ! Molly Sparrow sports editor Zephyrus interviewed three winter sports power couples: hockey players Jack Stedman and Molly Myhre, hockey player Emma Nelson and basketball player Max Harrell, and dancer Maia Karpinsky and hockey player Evan Shoemaker. Zephyrus: Who is the more athletic out of the two of you? Jack Stedman: Molly. Molly Myhre: Me, obviously. Zephyrus: Who do you believe has the higher IQ? J.S.: Molly. M.M.: Me, obviously. Zephyrus: If you woke up one day and found out that they had lost their memory what would you do? J.S.: I would try to spend as much time with her as possible in order to make myself seem familiar. M.M.: Nothing, he would get to meet me all over again! Zephyrus: What was your first impression of each other? J.S.: She kept trying to hold my hand at camp before I had ever talked to her so she kind of scared me. M.M.: I had seen his famous Vine of his sister dancing to the song “Molly” and I knew he was going places. He was also my camp crush during my junior year.
M.H.: Blended guided fitness because she always ties her flags when they play football. Zephyrus: What is his/her best trait? E.N.: Diabetes. M.H.: She laughs at my jokes even though she constantly reminds me that they aren’t funny. Zephyrus: If he/she were a character from Friends who would it be? Maia Karpinsky: Chandler Bing. Evan Shoemaker: Rachel, but if gender doesn’t matter then definitely Joey. Zephyrus: What is the most annoying habit about him/her? M.K.: He drinks all the water bottles in my house. E.S.: She bites her nails. Zephyrus: Who is her/his celebrity crush? M.K.: Blake Lively. E.S.: Young Leonardo Dicaprio. Zephyrus: What color looks best on him/her? M.K.: Green or blue. E.S.: White.
photo by Nate Saunders
Zephyrus: If you could describe each other in one word what would it be? Emma Nelson: Tall. Max Harrell: She lets me call her ‘master,’ so probably that. Zephyrus: Who would you cast to play him/her in a movie? E.N.: Morgan Freeman. M.H.: Shaun White. Zephyrus: What do you think is his/her weakest subject in school? E.N.: Basketball theory, because he sucks at basketball.
Emma Nelson and Max Harrell looking fly
Christina Orth news editor
For many athletes who require warm and dry weather for sports, Minnesotan conditions in the winter make it hard for athletes to stay consistently motivated. While many student athletes opt to stay inside with their hot cocoa, the chilly temperatures are no excuse for Edina High School athletes to stay indoors. When paired with a desire to have fun and the dropping temperatures, it’s easy to take advantage of the snow and get some fresh air. Ice skating, skiing, and sledding are all quintessential Minnesotan snow traditions. Ice rinks and ponds are scattered all over Edina. Slap on your skates and head over to your neighborhood park, Southdale Shopping Center rink, or any one of Minnesota’s 15,000 lakes. Zambonis are ready and rinks are smoothed over. With so many opportunities close to home, skating allows athletes to practice their coordination and balance. Recreational downhill skiing and snowboarding are other ways to get out with friends, breathe in some fresh air and get some quality exercise. While many would argue that days like these are expensive and involve a difficult commute, it’s actually as easy as showing up at the Valley View Middle School parking lot every Saturday during the months of January and February. Skijammers is a program that provides buses to send students and instructors off to a new ski destination every week; the buses travel to places
like Welch Village near Hastings and Mount Kato in Mankato, giving skiers and snowboarders a chance to hone their skills. Many Skijammers instructors are former Skijammers students and current EHS students. “One of the main priorities for Skijammers is for students and instructors to both have fun and learn at the same time,” said Josh Everts, a PSIA Level 1 certified instructor and an instructor for Skijammers for 2 years. “If you’re passionate about skiing and teaching other kids, becoming an instructor would be a really great opportunity.” To learn more about Skijammers, visit: www.skijammers.com Sledding is often considered the most underrated snow activity in Minnesota. Often associated with your childhood, sledding still has all the potential for a fun outing with friends or family. Sledding requires little equipment and combined with the low cost of the excursion, it’s the easiest way to take advantage of the weather. “Sledding is fun with family and I often go with friends also. I would say it’s a great bonding experience,” said sophomore Raime Jones. Snag that dusty sled from the back of the garage, throw a pair of snow pants on and head over to the hills behind Creek Valley or Countryside Elementary School. All you need is a little snow and a desire to have fun to get a good workout in. Skating, skiing or snowboarding, and sledding culminate into a celebration of snow sports to keep athletes busy until the snow melts away.
Dance Team, Cheerleading, and HHDT, Oh My! Jenna Simon staff writer
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and it was an unforgettable moment,” said Hengel. “We hope we will be lucky enough to experience that again this year.” The Edina Cheerleading, Hip Hop Dance, and Dance Teams have already had amazing seasons, and look forward to their final competitions for which they have worked incredibly hard.
photo by Nate Saunders
Edina High School pep fests are filled with energy and anticipation of upcoming events, with the student body gathered together in excitement. This energy is thanks in no small part to the performances by the Edina Dance Team, Cheerleading Team, and Hip Hop Dance Team. The teams’ performances never fail to get EHS students cheering and enthusiastic. Now at the height of their seasons, the teams are busy getting ready for even more performances and competitions. The Edina Cheerleading Team has had an incredibly active season with numerous competitions, including hosting the Edina Sweetheart Classic on Jan. 9. After the Sweetheart Classic, the team now has UCA High School Nationals in Orlando, FL. The national competition runs from February 4-9, and this year both EHS Varsity Cheerleading teams received a bid at their regional competitions to attend nationals. The team has continued working hard to prepare for the competitions throughout the rest of their season. “We have our choreographer [Craige Monte] coming back for the third time to clean up our routines,” said EHS senior and team captain Natalie Ringham. “It is an amazing experience flying him in from Kentucky and receiving a chance to work with him.” The Hip Hop Dance Team has also had a fantastic season, with hugely popular performances at each of the three predance pep fests and at different school sporting events. This
year specifically, the team has seen a huge increase in its number of members. “When I started being on the team, I was one of four people,” said EHS senior and team manager Zoe Lilak. “Now we have 25 people! I like to think a lot of people decided to join because they saw how much fun it looked, I know a lot of people love to dance but have never done anything with it.” For Lilak, each performance is a highlight, and the fun the team has while performing certainly caught the eye of many students who joined the team this year. “I joined [the team] this year as a sophomore because I saw them perform at the [Homecoming] pep fest and they just did so amazing and I thought that’s what I want to be doing,” said new team member Margarita Chernyaeva. “Since I joined hip hop I’ve met so many new and amazing people that I’m now friends with...I can’t wait for everyone to see what we’re going to perform [next].” The Edina Dance Team has kept busy this season, with regular competitions. The team has meets almost every Thursday, in addition to the invites they attend most Saturdays. The team looks forward to their competitions and performances as a great way to bond after all of the hard work they do. “[A] highlight is [always] performing for the first time as a team,” said EHS junior Torie Hengel. “It’s really cool to be able to bond with that moment on stage. Knowing that you’re doing it with your team and not alone is the best feeling.” The Dance Team looks forward to their other competitions throughout the rest of their season, including sections. The team also hopes to return to state for a second year. “We made it to state last year
The Hip Hop Dance Team preforming
HUMOR
Lunchroom Love Noah Chestler print copy editor
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Madeline Marker public relations editor By all accounts, Josh is a nice guy. He holds the door open for elderly ladies, speaks in a polite manner, and runs cross country. Teachers and moms swoon. “Josh is such a nice guy,” they would say. “You should be with someone like him.” Senior year approached and Josh began contemplating where to apply to college. He decided to throw an ivy league school into the mix. But where does his application go? Enter an ivy infested brick building. A nondescript room with a long table and many chairs. The application review committee enters, tweed jackets galore. Folders are spewed across the table. “Alright, let’s get this meeting started. First candidate: Mary Jane. Started an organization that creates soccer fields in Africa, straight-A student, and got a 36 on her ACT.” “That’s great and all but doesn’t the name Mary Jane kinda make you want to punch yourself in the face repeatedly?” Indistinct murmurs of agreement are heard throughout the room. “Well isn’t that nice!” said Josh “All right. Denied. Next candidate.” “I present Johnny Gleesack. Three-sport varsity athlete, straight-A student, 36 on his ACT, and student body president.” “Oh, Johnny Glessack! I went to college with his dad. Real jerk. Denied.” “Okay, my candidate’s name is Jane Anderson. She doesn’t do much. Her favorite hobby is television and I quote ‘I’ve watched every episode of every show on Netflix.’” “That’s actually quite impressive. Have you seen the amount of different TV shows on Netflix? That kind of work ethic and
dedication is what we’re are looking for at our prestigious institution. I’m thinking wait listed?” “Agreed!” Shouted several admissions officers. “I think my candidates got a lot of promise. His name is Ross. He was homeless for eight years and managed to get A’s and B’s in school. He even started a support group for homeless teens and helps raise money for necessities like toothbrushes and nonperishable canned food.” “Urg. This might not be completely politically correct to say, but I’m gonna say it. Homeless people bug me and are kind of annoying. Big whoop, this kid used to not have a home. Whatever. He didn’t even get that good of grades. I say we deny him. He’s experienced too much praise already, meeting with Obama and all. He could use some denial to make him more humble.” Evil grins spread across countless admissions officers as they nod their heads in agreement simultaneously. “Okay, the last candidate for the day is some kid named Josh. He doesn’t have great grades, mediocre ACT, JV Bowling captain, and a yellow belt in karate. However, his teacher reviews are outstanding, keep mentioning something about him being a nice guy. We could really use someone like that.” “I say we take him. This campus could use someone like whatever his name is!” “ACCEPTED!” And all the admissions counselors held hands and danced. When Josh received his acceptance letter, he smiled and then went expressionless as it wasn’t “nice” to gloat. When he attended this prestigious college the following year, there were countless accounts of faculty feeling threatened because of his academic abilities. photo by Nate Saunders
Have you ever looked across the lunchroom only to find yourself transfixed by a beautiful person and thinking, “I wish I could be eating next to that cutie”? Many of us never act on this desire, but a particularly brave soul made the leap last week. Junior Will Dummer spied his diamond in the lunchroom rough, made his approach, and asked if he could sit with her the following day. “I’ll be honest; I was totally taken by surprise. But it was so romantic, I mean who wouldn’t go on a date with Will Dummer? Of course I agreed!” said senior Shannon Tabor. Dummer, being the classy lad that he is, dressed up in his finest attire for the big date. When the bell for 3 lunch rang, he bolted from his desk in search of his special lady for the afternoon. In a great display of athleticism and determination, Dummer ascended the stairs from the first floor to the second floor in a blistering 0.29 seconds (recorded by Mr. Boltmann). Dummer once again approached Tabor’s usual table in the lunchroom and kindly asked her friends if they would find other seating for the day. They all happily obliged, but Dummer paid them each twenty dollars anyways. Once alone, they got to chatting about their days. Tabor was enjoying her date’s company quite a bit, and took his hand when they got up to go to the lunch line. Once in the line, they agreed that pasta was to both of their likings. Sadly, it wasn’t spaghetti, and a “Lady and the Tramp” moment was not imminent. Once the duo was back at the table, students began to take notice of the two on a date. Looking on from the Spirit Store, junior Daniel Brunker said, “Oh man, look at him go! I always knew Will had the fire within him.” A school administrator, watching like a hawk does his prey, said, “That young duo is full of character and integrity. Those are the type of people trying to leave a positive legacy here at Edina!” Back at the table of destiny, the optimism for the couple ended when Dummer dropped a bomb. Not a bomb of war, a bomb of the entirely opposite kind. “Hey, I think you’re pretty cute, and I really like how you chose to put parmesan on your pasta. That was pretty adorable of you,” Dummer confessed. Tabor nearly choked on her pasta, which was highly ironic because words like that from Dummer would typically make someone feel an intense will to be alive, and not come close to asphyxiation. Nevertheless, Tabor was experiencing emotions she had never felt before, and it was on display for all of 3 lunch to see. From the dishwashing room of the cafeteria, one of the workers stopped his scrubbing to watch one of the most infamous moments in Edina High School history go down. On cue, the Weatherman Will Kieffer hit the lights from within the spirit store, a spotlight went on the couple, and the entire lunchroom held its breath. Dummer slowly leaned in, and the two remained millimeters from each other’s face for what seemed like an eternity. Then, the magic happened. Dummer threw up everywhere. He absolutely soaked Ms. Tabor in an ungodly pile of steaming upchuck. The lights in the cafeteria never went back on that fateful day. Legend has it that Dummer fled school grounds in “Incredibles” character Dash-like speed and hasn’t returned to school since. As for Tabor, she took it like a champ and shamelessly continued about her day as if nothing had gone awry in the slightest. Let this be a lesson for all ye lovebirds who try any funny business at school: you will fail miserably, and you will let everyone down.
EHS Student Accepted into Ivy for Being a Nice Guy
Beyond the Bubble: Hell Becca Edgington culture editor Day to day, life in the bubble can get pretty tiring pretty quickly. Aren’t we all wanting something new? Something fresh? A place that’ll really get that adrenaline pumping? Yes! You guessed it. The perfect place to head out on a nice day trip to escape the horrible mess that is Edina is Hell. We all crave that excitement that can only be gained by stepping on that dark and sketchy gondola as the gatekeeper steers you to the opening of the underworld. To take full advantage of all Hell has to offer, start for day off at 8:00 am. Before you head out, check that you have the proper supplies. Bring a water bottle. You never know when you’ll encounter a river of fire. It will be sure to dry you out like a nice piece of jerky and leaving you desperate to quench your thirst. Slabs of meat are always good, we hear it’s the best way to keep the vultures away. Your stay in Hell just wouldn’t be complete without a visit to the Forbidden Forest. If you’re looking for a nice place to stretch your legs, take a nice jog (or a sprint for your life) this is the place for you. Fun fact: the Forbidden Forest is the best section of Hell to hide a body! Thousands have been buried here and you’ll have a ball when your footsteps wake the undead and they chase you out of the forest. You’ve spent a good three hours in The Forest, it’s now 11:30 a.m. After a run like that you’ll need a good drink. The Bloody Mary Juice Bar is the hippest spot in Hell for a nice relaxing smoothie. Pro tip: ask for real blood in your drink to experience the full affect. 1:30 pm has now rolled around and you need some lunch. Casa de
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los Muertos is the place to be for some tasty tacos with ground harpie flesh instead of beef, and you can’t pass up a blood orange sunday from Scream Ice Cream down the street for dessert. No vacation to Hell would be complete without a spa treatment. The steam room will be sure to boil your blood and and the all body skin peels are so authentic that they actually peel your skin off! Oh, and we can’t forget about the vampire blood facials, (where Kim Kardashian gets her’s done). Blood is injected into the face to plump the skin and eliminate wrinkles. Don’t forget to ask for a piranha foot treatment. The fish nibble away at the dead skin on your feet, but remember to feed them first or they might take a few toes. You’ve had a relaxing afternoon at the spa, it’s now 6:00 pm and dinner is awaiting. Hell’s Kitchen is pretty amazing on earth but the original is in Hell and it will definitely rock your socks off. Get a Juicy Lucifer Burger. That beef is sure to be just as red as the blood of your enemies considering that is what they’ve been fed with. The next stop you should be sure to make is the Devil’s palace. Check into a room and dust the human ashes out of the mattress, relax by the pool, but don’t swallow the water by mistake, (it’s blood), and be sure to stop by the gift shop where wonderful trinkets can be found to take home, so you’ll always remember your great stay. They have bat wings on a stick, tins of crickets, and rat skull key chains. You’re sure to meet a friend or two along the way, demon mermaids in the river Styx, harpies from the west wing, perhaps a sinful mortal enslaved for the rest of eternity will appreciate a moment of company. No matter where you go or who you encounter, it’s always a great day to visit Hell to experience all it has to offer!