Issue 4 - December 18, 2020

www.edinazephyrus.com

December 18, 2020| 41:4

2

COMMENTARY

Friday, December 18, 2020

Zephyrus staff 2020-2021 Editorial Board Art Boettge, media coordinator Madeline Brandel, visual editor Sophie Charnell, visual editor Michael Crater, outreach coordinator Mia DiLorenzo, head staff writer Dedeepya Guthikonda, media coordinator Matthew Hovelsrud, online editor Sadie Johnson Sieben, manager Ellen Mi, editor-in-chief Reagan Stanchfield, copy editor Alexis Yi, print editor Page Editors Liliana Hanson Hanna Jaeger Isadora Li Caroline Seiler Linnea Shively Izzy Wagener Advisor Daniel Amborn

Staff Writers Althea Barrows Nora Franssen Maren Fullerton Eleanor Hutcheson Sage Jezierski Urva Jha Hannah Owens Pierre Pavithra Sankar Reilly Shane Celia Vedder Photographers Rhea Hammond Hayden Kleynhas Lilian Simmons Artists Nabila Barqab Anabelle Jakala Elizabeth Lundberg Lydio Olson Nora Riter Laryn Scribner

Letters to the Editor To share an opinon or voice a conern over issues in Edina or an article Zephyrus has published, submit a letter to the editor online by clicking ‘Contact Us’ and then clicking ‘Send Us A Letter.’

Policies Zephyrus is a monthly publication produced by students of Edina High School; 6754 Valley View Road; Edina, MN 55439; (952) 848-3800 x3087.

Zephyrus is a designated forum for student expression that recognizes the First Amendment guarantee of freedom of the press, and abides by Tinker standard. Opinions published in Zephyrus do not necessarily reflect the views of the entire staff, adviser, administration, or entire student body.

Submissions and letters are printed based on space available. Letters should be mailed to the school or given to the adviser or a staff member.

Take some time for reflection during this holiday season Alexis Yi print editor

2020

has been, frankly, a chaotic year. Many of us have been tested in ways we’d never imagined, and we’re more than ready to say goodbye.

This holiday season, it’s important to celebrate all the positive factors that have helped us through these last months—a pet, a TV show, a family member, etc.—and to reflect on how we’ve responded to crisis.

This year will inevitably have ramifications for both our immediate and long-term futures. Take the time to investigate what you can do to make 2021 better, both for yourself and for those around you.

Many of us may have struggled with mental health this year. What activities or behaviors have you adopted, subconsciously or consciously, to make a scary reality more bearable? Perhaps you began an exercise routine; perhaps you binge-watched comedy specials on Netflix, or maybe you strengthened relationships with your family members (although, of course, the opposite might be true). Whatever comes to mind, feel gratitude for the activities, things, and people that remind you that this too shall pass. Tell the people who’ve helped you how great they’ve been. Then, consider how you might make use of these newfound

support systems and mechanisms in the future. We’ve all taught ourselves about dealing with stress, and we can consciously apply these lessons to our lives starting now. On the other hand, many of us may not have found that thing that keeps us going. But a quick internet search offers a wide range of possible new hobbies and relaxation techniques to try out, and you only have to reach out to find support and sympathy.

As important as it is to recognize the great things in our lives, especially those things that aren’t accessible to everyone, it’s also important to consider our own actions in the past year. What did you do to help others in 2020? Did you adhere to social distancing?

Volunteer at a soup kitchen? Offer support to a friend in need? Upon reflection, you might think you could have done more. But the purpose of reflection is not to make you feel guilty; rather, use it as motivation for future efforts, and to make a positive impact. Because while the end of the pandemic is near, society will be dealing with the fallout for years to come, and in any case, greater compassion can only be beneficial for us as a community.

2021 is quickly approaching. Everyone can do better than they did yesterday, the month before, or the year before. What did you learn in the last year, and how will you use that new knowledge for good?

On the inside...

What happened in 2020? pages 4 & 5

On the cover Art by Lydia Olson

Find Zephyrus online @edinazephyrus

Holiday horror story: the Grinch cycle page 8

Our top Christmas movies pages 10 & 11

For more, visit edinazephyrus.com

COLORING SHEET Friday, December 18, 2020

art by Ellanor Splinter

Icy Cool Winter Crossword Use the picture clues to fill out the crossword below! art by Anabelle Jakala art by Ellanor Splinter

art by Ellanor Splinter

3

6

FOOD AND DRINK Friday, December 18, 2020

Hot Chocolate Mix Review Liliana Hanson page editor Trader Joe’s Salted Caramel Flavored Hot Cocoa Despite its name, Trader Joe’s Salted Caramel Flavored Hot Cocoa tastes less like either of the titular ingredients and more like sugar and milk. Cloyingly sweet, this blend was a letdown for fans of salted caramel like myself; it would be better to simply mix salted caramel into a cup of plain hot chocolate.

Hershey’s Hot Cocoa A classic hot chocolate mix produced by the iconic American chocolate manufacturer. This powder yielded a somewhat artificial-tasting drink that tastes almost as overwhelmingly sweet as the Salted Caramel Hot Cocoa.

Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate Mix Swiss Miss is the ubiquitous cocoa you might remember from elementary school holiday parties or having after sledding. It leans to the more sugary-tasting, less-chocolatey end, but if you’re looking for a cup of nostalgic hot chocolate, Swiss Miss, topped with a mound of whipped cream, is your best bet.

Trader Joe’s Sipping Chocolate Advertised as “a chocolate experience meant to be sipped and savored,” Trader Joe’s Sipping Chocolate is much richer and darker than most hot chocolate mixes. Serve in small cups, or it becomes overwhelming. For chocolate connoisseurs and those who prefer less sugary-tasting brews, Trader Joe’s Sipping Chocolate is the way to go.

Guittard Grand Cacao Guittard, known for its high-end chocolates, produces a cocoa powder for both baking and drinking. This mix produced a rich, creamy beverage similar to the Sipping Chocolate, designed for small servings. As an added bonus, the mix is FairTrade certified; however, this blend is fairly pricey, especially compared with the others on this list.

Ghirardelli Double Hot Chocolate Mix Midway between Swiss Miss and Sipping Chocolate on the chocolate spectrum, Ghirardelli offers a rich, chocolatey beverage for those looking for something a little more sophisticated than your average cocoa.

photo by Liliana Hanson

Recipe: Giant Toffee Chocolate Cookies Nora Franssen staff writer

INGREDIENTS 1/2 cup all purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 1/4 teaspoon salt 16 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, chopped 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) unsalted butter 1 3/4 cups brown sugar, packed 4 large eggs 1 tablespoon vanilla extract 7 ounces chocolate-covered English toffee bars (such as Heath), coarsely chopped 1 cup walnuts, toasted and chopped PREP: 1. Preheat the oven to 350°F.

2. Combine flour, baking powder and salt in a small bowl; whisk to blend.

3. Stir chocolate and butter on top of a double boiler set over simmering water until melted and smooth. Remove from over water. Cool mixture to lukewarm.

4. Using an electric mixer, beat sugar and eggs in a bowl until thick, about 5 minutes.

5. Beat in chocolate mixture and vanilla. Stir in flour mixture, then toffee and nuts.

6. Chill batter until firm, about 45 minutes.

7. Line two large baking sheets with parchment or waxed paper. Drop batter by 1/4 cupfuls onto sheets, spacing 2 1/2 inches apart.

8. Bake just until the tops are dry and cracked but cookies are still soft to touch, about 15 minutes. Cool on sheets.

photo by Nora Franssen

Zephyrus gingerbread house contest

We asked the student body to choose which staff-created gingerbread house was their favorite. These are the results.

45%

photo by Laryn Scribner

33%

photo by Althea Barrows

22%

photo by Madeline Brandel

SATIRE

Friday, December 18, 2020

7

Breaking News: #Project SOS goes viral in metro Edina residents seek to continue "snow days"

F

Mia DiLorenzo head staff writer

ollowing the implementation of a distance learning model, Superintendent John Schultz announced that virtual learning would continue on days where inclement weather would make transportation difficult. Just hours after this nationally-broadcasted press conference, the residents of Edina started a hashtag #ProjectSOS, or “Save Our Snowdays” in its longer form. “[The hashtag] is a really great way to get the entire community involved in such a large project, especially because I don’t feel like putting any work into [Project SOS],” father and Edina resident Jackson Johnson said.

Contrary to Johnson’s perspective, some students are taking an active role in #ProjectSOS, even forming a multi-city coalition to protest Schultz’s ruling. In a stunning turn of events, sur-

rounding suburbs have rushed to Edina’s aid and stood alongside #ProjectSOS throughout this journey. “Everyone deserves a snow day, even cake eaters. Cake isn’t even that bad,” an anonymous Wayzata High School student said. This individual wished to remain anonymous in the event that they would be recognized at a future hockey game.

“I’m not trying to get beat up by an Edina kid,” the student said.

Thus far, the project hasn’t evolved beyond a trending hashtag; though some Edina students have declared their intentions to tear down cell towers in order to close online school, Eden Prairie High School students aren’t so sure. “[EHS students] have a tendency to talk a lot and do very little—see? They’ve already made an Instagram infographic,” an anonymous EPHS student said.

Though the future of #ProjectSOS is uncertain, the first heavy snowfall will undoubtedly prove to be a telling time for the organization. art by Reagan Stanchfield

Groundbreaking study group says that they will "actually get something Liliana Hanson page editor Originally published April 1st, 2020

I

photo courtesy of Lissi Reid

infographic by Linnea Shively

infographic by Linnea Shively

n a historic move, an Edina High School study group has announced that they will begin to use their meetings productively.

According to the U.S. Department of Education, 99.47% of ‘study groups’ are, in reality, pretexts for high school students to gather that provide a scholarly disguise for illicit procrastination. Nevertheless, an EHS study group has made the unanimous decision to defy the odds and end off-task behavior for good.

The study group was formed by juniors Eleanor Ortiz, Levi Choi, and Ian Patel. The group’s weekly meetings at Starbucks were quickly overcome with procrastination. “Levi keeps blaming me because I brought my Nintendo Switch one or 12 times, but it’s not my fault,” Ortiz said. “He and Ian were the ones who were getting distracted most of the time, not me!”

But this semester, the group has vowed to

turn things around after receiving advice from several WikiHow, Quora, and Reddit users. “I made a study plan and found some review materials,” Patel said. “I made one last semester, and everyone else kind of ignored it. But, like Reddit users u/ MasterOogway397 and u/gelflingrebellion advised, we’re going to stick to it this semester.” All the members have also signed a pledge to stop distracting others during meetings, avoiding behaviors such as recruiting other patrons for TikTok videos, ‘ironically’ watching Peppa Pig videos on YouTube, and playing Harry Potter trivia Kahoots.

If the study group manages to use their time effectively, they may improve their dismal grades. On the first unit summative, the group earned an average of 97%, bringing shame to the entire city of Edina and causing EHS to be named “The Worst High School in America” by the Princeton Review.

A grave warning from America's hoarders

I

Ellen Mi editor in chief

t’s a scene familiar to many in a pandemic: at every store, customers race down the aisles to grab their twentieth package of toilet paper to stock up for the extremely likely possibility of running out of essential items while staying at home. But that’s not just the case for toilet paper—disinfecting products, paper towels, canned soda, and various meat products are all among the treasures of America’s most skilled hoarders.

According to US News, the United States is the seventh best country in the world, but if Costco continues to run out of the 50 pack Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Roll Toilet Paper, that ranking may drop by the end of the pandemic. So, will we allow our toxic relationship with essentials like toilet paper

assault the very democracy of the US? The answer is grounded in arguably the most inspirational motto that has arisen from the pandemic and High School Musical—we’re all in this together by staying apart (or some variation of that). While some grocery stores implemented limits on products in high-demand earlier in the pandemic, that wasn’t enough to stop even the most inexperienced hoarder from panic-buying 144 eggs and moseying their way to the self-checkout line.

If there’s one thing the pandemic can teach all of us, it’s to mind our own business. The next time you see someone pushing seven shopping carts filled with Mr. Clean’s 40 ounce Summer Citrus-scented Multi-Purpose Antibacterial Cleaner at Target, think about the immeasurable amount of suffering they’re enduring and walk your 90 cans of LaCroix to the register.

art by Reagan Stanchfield

8

Horror Story

Friday, December 18, 2020

How the Grinch stole 2020 written by Sadie Johnson Sieben, Caroline Seiler

H

o Ho Ho, and Merry Christmas kids! This is a story that may make you shake and scream, but if you think you’re brave, be warned: you won’t think as much of yourself after reading.

It all started with a tall, green, hairy man known as the Grinch. Not only did he declare himself Santa’s enemy, but he also lived a double life as Matthew Morrison, enemy of American culture at large. It was a horrifying duo that the world could not handle.

The events you just read continue on to the end of time, repeating over and over again. The original Grinch, or Matthew Morrison I should say, goes on to produce an heir, and he produces an heir, repeating, all with the name of Matthew Morrison. The elves continue to unionize, revolt, and burn down Santa’s factory every couple of centuries. Santa and the Grinch’s feud continued, resulting in more orphaned children who go on to become the future elves. The cycle never ends, because nothing can ever work out the way it should.

The children who were once ridden with grief found new lives as worker elves. They lived for centuries in this way of life, adapting to become those elves from long ago. But nothing is ever perfect, and nothing lasts forever. Declan, an elf that usually stayed out of the town gossip, started a new revolution, one that protested the elf way of life that he had been living along with his family and friends. The elves formed a union of those supporting the cause and striked. There was nothing Santa could do to please them, so they burned the factory down.

There was only one issue with the Grinch’s plan: Santa. He informed the children of their new jobs and had them get busy with it while he went to deal with Santa. While the Grinch had been staying at the North Pole, Santa’s rotting carcass was on the ground due to him dying from alcohol poisoning. The Grinch knew he had to hide the body somewhere. Then, as he saw Rudoloph, he knew exactly what he had to do. He put Santa in a big bag and grinded him up with a hammer, then, the Grinch went to the children who were in the barn and informed them of the reindeer droppings that needed to be taken care of. Santa was never seen again.

The elves at Santa’s factory worked happily day after day in order to prepare for Christmas. Yet, every couple of years, an elf hired to work in the toy factory ended up hating their job.

When this happened, that elf was relocated to another one of the North Pole’s sectors: bakers, snow shovelers, jolly architectural designers, or accountants. The current problematic elf Devrim, however, had already worked in every other faction before he got to the factory. He sparked controversy in each one because of his belief that the elf factory work was not ethical. Eventually, the popular majority of elves came to agree with his point of view.

Santa’s elves unionized and went on strike.

photos by Sophie Charnell

photo courtesy of screenrant.com

One day, the children traveled to find the old man they once had hope in. Considering they were innocent children, they found themselves traveling North where the evil Grinch stayed, instead of finding Santa. The kids encountered a man who didn’t look like Santa, but when they asked who he was, he assured them that he was the real deal. The kids explained their trauma, and the Grinch quickly lied and blamed it on the elves that unionized, explaining that no one can have Christmas without the help of workers. These hopeful children took him up on this suggestion and begged him to let them help in the workshop.

While Santa tried to calm the elves down by giving them paid time off on holidays with an exception for Christmas, the elves grew more furious. They congregated together at the front of the toy workshop, and Devrim made a stand: “We all know why we are here, we must take down the top guy so we can be free! Now burn the factory!” The elves charged the workshop with torches in hand and lit the workplace they once loved out of spite for the corrupt system.

After this tragic event, Santa found himself in a deep depression. His eternal life’s work was destroyed in one night and his mental health degraded. Not knowing what to do with himself, Santa grew to be an angry person; he was always mad at his elves, mad at himself, and mad at the world. Once, when Mrs. Claus brought him a tray of freshly baked cookies, he destroyed them with a plastic wiffle bat he found in the factory rubble. On an even worse occasion, Santa got so upset that he plotted to kill the Grinch’s dog Max and succeeded.

On Christmas Eve, a dreaded day for both Santa and the Grinch, Santa was hopeless. He had no toys for the children and no elves to help prepare them. The Grinch, on the other hand, had one motivation: rage. He traveled to the North Pole and found Santa in a drunken daze. He was then able to hit Santa over the head with one of his boots, knocking him out. The Grinch disguised himself as Santa and took a blind reindeer that night to spread the worst gift of all… a deadly sickness called COVID-19. He figured that when all the children’s parents would be gone as the Grinch’s parents once abandoned him, everyone would feel as lonely as he did. art by Lydia Olson

art by Gabe Antoine

art by Ellanor Splinter

Every kid who once looked forward to Christmas now had their memories plagued with immense grief. Christmas was forever known as the day that their parents got COVID from Santa Claus. Children were left parentless, orphanages were overrun, and many kids had nowhere to go. Later on, support groups were formed specifically for children whose parents died of COVID transmitted via Santa. These kids bonded together and became great friends, uniting over their shared trauma.

HEAD TO HEAD

Friday, December 18, 2020

Christmas trees: real or fake trees?

9

Real Christmas trees Fake trees reign supreme are the way to go! over holiday decor

I

Celia Vedder staff writer

f you want your house to be filled with holiday cheer, get a real tree this year! An authentic tree can fill your house with a fresh pine scent and make it feel like you’re living in a winter wonderland. It also comes with the perks of being more environmentally friendly than its fake counterpart.

The branches and leaves of artificial

art by Isadora Li

trees are known to be made out of plastic and metal, which can lead to a longer lasting life for the product, but at some point they will end up in a landfill. Not only does buying real trees keep the environment safe, but it also supports small Christmas tree farmers.

Christmas tree farmers reuse the same root system to grow new trees, which helps minimize space to leave more for wildlife. Speaking of wildlife, if you are a big fan of animals, I would like to have you know that the trees at the Christmas tree farms make for great homes for those inhabitants.

Visiting a Christmas tree farm each winter can also create memorable traditions for families. The smells, the sights, the memories, the laughs. It’s much better than trudging down to your basement to grab a sad, limp plastic tree.

If you are already a buyer of real Christmas trees, you know the joy and cheer that comes with going to the Christmas tree farm and propping it on the car. For the proud artificial tree owners, an authentic and joyful holiday means getting a real tree is the way to go.

C

Isadora Li page editor

hristmas trees are a holiday staple in many households, much like multi-colored lights, mistletoe, and Hallmark movies. But the age old debate over real or fake Christmas trees may ignite some healthy holiday feuds. This year it’s as important as ever to make the holiday season feel like its typical self, which is why everyone should consider using fake Christmas trees.

The main reason families should utilize fake trees is because they are easier to maintain: no pine needles littering the floor, no need to constantly water it, and less worry about fire hazards. Finding the perfect tree for your house is made infinitely easier as many major retailers have more than enough for you to choose from. You could pick a classic pine tree dusted with snow, add a modern touch with a pure white tree, or even get an additional colorful foil tree to decorate another part of your house. Fake trees allow all the magic of the brightly lit Christmas decor with little concern over it burning your house down. Wouldn’t that make a perfect cherry on top of 2020?

Tree set up is easier when you don’t have to worry about bringing the elements inside. Just as the pine needles drop onto the floor, bugs and critters can stay in trees when transferred inside. The last

thing you want to unwrap on Christmas morning is a present littered with aphids and spiders. Even worse than an assortment of bugs are animals. Mice, squirrels, bats, and owls in your house will surely dampen any holiday spirit that has already set in. There are also the allergies accompanied by the unavoidable spread of misery. Instead of the sound of wrapping paper and Christmas music, you’ll have sniffly and irritable family members.

With all these reasons to buy a fake tree to use for years to come, why are you still reading this article?

Go decorate a tree, drink some hot chocolate, and have a happy holiday season (with not a single thought of your house burning down).

"Baby, It's Cold Outside": cute or creepy?

The Hallmark Movie of Christmas songs: “Baby, It's Cold Outside”

A

Celia Vedder staff writer

s 101.3 KDWB makes its abrupt change to Christmas music, you know “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is going to be a part of that lineup.

When the song comes on the radio, the listener is filled with holiday memories, such as watching the Christmas movie “Elf.” Similar to Hallmark movies, the song is filled with weird tropes like a man pressuring a woman to stay with him at home, while she continuously makes excuses to leave. This would be considered weird and creepy, if it wasn’t for the flirty nature of the song.

Lines such as “well maybe just a half a drink more,”

and “at least I can say that I tried,” illustrates how the woman in this song is obviously interested in what the man has to offer. But if this song were to be sung in any other tone or if the lyrics were to be rearranged, yes, this song would be very scary. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and Hallmark movies are so alike because of if they were written in any other genre they would be horrifying. For example, if a Hallmark movie were to be written by Jordan Peele, it would be a classic horror movie .

“Baby, it's cold outside” could be a generally scary song if that was the tone behind it. Good thing that's not what the writers were going for, for it’s a flirty little Christmas song that is associated with many beloved memories for people all across the world.

art by Anabelle Jakala

The chilling tale of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

E

Hannah Owens Pierre staff writer

very year around Christmas, a battle erupts over Frank Loesser’s “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”—and for good reason. The 1944 holiday anthem has little to do with Christmas and more to do with sexual exploitation, as the lead male singer tries to lure his counterpart into staying the night.

From the first stanza of the song, the singers’ motives become clear. While the woman politely, and undoubtedly uncomfortably, begs to leave, the man is insistent on rejecting her requests, pressuring her into changing her mind and making

romantic advances.

In the original version, the part of the woman was labeled “Mouse,” while the man’s was called “Wolf.” This sums up the dynamic of the couple perfectly. To the man, his guest is a weak and easily exploitable treat to prey upon. Objectification plays a heavy role in his dialogue. “Gosh your lips look so delicious!” he says. Meanwhile, the woman is a cowering figure in the presence of a dangerous beast. Like so many women, she fears the Wolf retaliating to her pleas in violence or hostility.

When the female lead finally agrees to stay for half a drink, only after her date has commanded her to do so, the story takes an even darker turn in an infamous lyric. “Say, what’s in this

drink?” she asks. In reply, her date changes the topic, pointing out that the snow has blocked any cabs from arriving. In essence, she is trapped without hope of escape with a man who has clearly drugged her. It’s a scene that reads as it if it were in a pamphlet on date rape.

The Wolf’s pleas throughout the song are predatory and narcissistic. “What’s the sense in hurting my pride?” he asks.

Twice she expressly says no to his advances, and both times he ignores her and continues to push.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is a prime example of the way sexism weaves its way into culture and becomes normalized.

There is nothing “cute” about this chilling tale of assault.