Issue #7- March 2016

www.edinazephyrus.com

March 25, 2016| 36:7

TABLE OF CONTENTS

N e ws

Cu l t u r e

p. 1 4 Fe a t u r e s

p. 1 0

p. 4

Opinion

p. 1 1 Sports

Humor

p. 1 6

p. 1 5 2

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Technology and Narcissism

Madeline Marker public relations editor

I recently read an article about the frequency with which people who commit heinous crimes also exhibit the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder.

Psychologists believe these individuals deemed psychopaths who have shown narcissistic tendencies often feel as if they are above everyone else. This feeling of entitlement leads them to a sense of being above the law. They think they need to implement their own forms of “justice” in order to make society a better place; the result is that they commit atrocious acts like mass murders.

While reading this article, one

Online

thought kept circling through my mind: has technology made our generation more narcissistic?

Wherever you go, people’s faces are peering at tiny screens.

Whether you’re texting, calling, or Snapchatting, it’s all the same: you are completely unaware of your surroundings. So much so, that one time I saw a woman walk into a pole because she was looking at her phone. Although comical, her complete lack of awareness proves my point that technology can be completely consuming. There are times when I hang out with my friends, and there will be a silence while everyone is engrossed in their phones, completely ignoring the present company of the people sitting right next to them.

www.edinazephyrus.com Twitter and Instagram: @edinazephyrus YouTube: edinazephyrus Facebook: Zephyrus

On The Cover Gage Aulik (Cover Art) Katie Manderfeld (Header)

Zephyrus Staff Editorial Board Audrey Sheehy, print editor in chief Erik Lindquist, online editor in chief Madeline Marker, public relations editor Megan Hussey, human resources editor

Noah Chestler, print copy editor John Osler, online copy editor Farhia Osman, art editor Page Editors Hugh Cashman Nate Saunders

Christina Orth Isabel Thompson Anna Gratzer Megan Talghader Colette Bruder Nikki Lund Becca Edgington Molly Sparrow Lillie Westbrook

This new norm is something that I’m not a fan of. I don’t like that social media has changed the way we interact with people.

Texting is like “talking,” and honestly, if you think about it, the concept of sending a picture of your face with words on it is actually really weird. I hate when I’m talking to someone and they’re half-listening to me because they are too busy on their phone. At parties, half the people there are on their phones, closing themselves off from everyone else. Social interactions have drastically changed: less face to face interaction and more interactions behind screens. It’s easier to say something when it’s from the comfort of your phone. You don’t have to see their reaction, and you can’t get psyched out from the fear of doing it in person. The decrease in human interaction has given bullies an upper hand. According to Cyberbully Hotline, 81% of teens say it is easier to bully someone online and get away with it.

The way people perceive the importance of social media is yet another pet peeve of mine. Why does your Twitter follower to following ratio matter? Or how does the number likes you get on Instagram dictate your feeling of social importance? The emphasis on these meaningless, mundane indicators of “popularity” is

Staff Writers Anne Amen Ben Gustafson Tanner Jones Greta Morton Will Schwinghammer Jenna Simon Max North Julie Yuan

absurd. Social media is a major time killer and typically causes lower self-esteem after looking through someone’s photos and perceiving a seemingly perfect life.

The obsessions over phones and social media are proof that our generation is narcissistic.

I’m not saying that we are all psychopaths because we have become more self-absorbed than past generations, but I do believe that we are not experiencing life.

We spend so much time looking down at a screen, that we forget to look up and notice the changes in the world around us. According to Informate Mobile Intelligence, American’s spend an average of 4.7 hours on their phone each day. If we spend as much time as we did on our phones, so many problems would probably already have been solved. Our obsession with phones is an addiction thats hard to break when you’re not with friends, your phone becomes your sole means of connecting with the world outside of your bedroom door. Obviously, there is a time and place for the cellphone, but everyone should be making a conscious effort to try and have a conversation with someone without looking at a phone. You may be surprised at what you find out about the people in your life and the world you live in.

Head Staff Writer Sophie Cannon

Photographers Nate Saunders, head photographer Zoe Cheung, photographer Josie Al-Najim, photographer Artist Gage Aulik Advisor Sally Larkins

Zephyrus is a monthly publication produced by students of Edina High School; 6754 Valley View Road; Edina, MN 55439; (952) 848-3800 x3087. Zephyrus is an open forum for student expression that recognizes the First Amendment guarentee of freedom of the press, and abides by Tinker standard. Opinions published in Zephyrus do not necessarily reflect the views of the entire staff, advisor, administration, or entire student body. Submissions and letters are printed based on space available. Anonymous letters may be printed only if a Zephyrus advisor or editor knows the author’s identity.

Letters should be mailed to the school or given to the advisor or a staff member. Zephyrus reserves the right to edit any letters for clarity and length.

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NEWS

Nine Mile Creek Expansion Set into Motion There has long been talk of a trail following the Nine Mile Creek, and construction finally began recently on the Edina segment of the multipurpose trail. According to the Three Rivers Park District website, the trail will be 15.3 miles long, and will closely follow the creek. According to the Master Plan written by Three Rivers Park District, the trail will cost $25.4 million to implement and another $67,688 annually to maintain and operate as a multi-use trail.

The Nine Mile Creek meanders for 15 miles from its north fork in Hopkins until it drains into the Minnesota River. The creek’s name isn’t due to its length, but to it distance from Fort Snelling -- nine miles from the Old Shakopee Road crossing in Bloomington. The trail runs along the creek through Hopkins and Richfield, with the Edina section still under construction to connect the two segments. According to the Star Tribune, the Edina segment would span about 7.5 miles According to the Three Rivers Park District website, the trail will include boardwalks along wetland areas of trail as well as paved areas. The construction on the boardwalks began recently.

The Edina City Council questioned Three Rivers officials about the trail and boardwalk. The boardwalk will be about 2 to 3 feet above high water points and will include a 42 inch railing.

According to the construction schedule, the construction on the boardwalk sections began this winter and will be completed

by April of 2016. The boardwalk will run from between Valley Lane and Heights Park to 70th Street, with a shorter section running from 70th to Ohms Lane.

photo courtesy of Uma Bhati

Will Schwinghammer staff writer

The Dish on Desks John Osler online copy editor

Student Organizes Charity Art Show Ben Gustafson staff writer

The Syrian refugee crisis has been raging on in Europe since 2011, and to most Edina High School students, it may seem far removed from our daily concerns. However, one event in particular seeks to open the hearts of EHS students to the commonly misunderstood struggles of Syrian refugees. On June 10, 2016, everybody is invited to come to “Compassion(art),” a professional gallery of artwork inspired by Middle Eastern culture at the Edina Art Center organized by EHS senior Jess Ohaeri. All the proceeds from either art purchases or donations will go towards the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees or UNHCR to provide humanitarian assistance to the 4.6 million Syrians fleeing the country as well as the 6.5 million internally displaced by the conflict.

Back in 2011, after some teenagers were tortured for vandalizing a school wall with revolutionary slogans, prodemocracy protests erupted in Deraa, Syria. Immediately following, government security forces opened fire on the demonstrators, and by July 2011, hundreds of thousands of Syrians had taken to the streets in protest. Shortly after, opposition supporters began to take up arms and form rebel brigades that took control of cities to expel government forces. Furthering the chaos, the Islamic State, better known as ISIS, took advantage of the power vacuum by establishing a caliphate, a state led by a successor (caliph) to the Islamic prophet Muhammad, in large swaths of Syria.

By August 2015, the UN estimated that 250,000 people had died in the conflict.

Syrians continue to face barrel bombs, chemical weapon attacks, beheadings, and starvation at the hands of Bashar al-Assad’s regime, rebel groups, and ISIS. According to multiple BBC writers, “about 70% of the population is without access to adequate drinking water, one in three people are unable to meet their basic food needs, and more than 2 million children are out of school, and four out of five people live in poverty.” Furthermore, even after refugees manage to escape all of this conflict, most find themselves placed in temporary housing, often little more than a tent city, for around 24 months as they wait for the UN to review their permanent settlement application as countries argue over sharing the burden. The UN has called it the greatest humanitarian crisis of our time.

Ever since her family was denied the ability to travel to

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Egypt for a relative’s wedding, Ohaeri was inspired to assist victims of the Arab Spring. “At first, I was devastated that I wasn’t going to be able to go and get away from school, but then I realized it’s so much bigger than me. People are dying in the streets. I’m not fluent in Arabic, so I can’t go over there and directly help, but I can raise money and raise awareness which I think is very important for people here because I think there is a lot of prejudice towards Middle Eastern people in general,” said Ohaeri.

Today, alarmingly, only 27 percent of Americans have a favorable view of Muslim Americans according to an ABC poll, 20 percent lower than in 2001. Although the U.S. has made many commitments to refugees from other countries, so far this fiscal year, only 1,393 Syrian refugees have been admitted to the United States while Germany has accepted 158,657, according to State Department data. While refugees are a burden for a country, arriving with little to no money, few possessions, and credentials that are often invalid in the United States, we as Americans must not allow ourselves to demonize them based on racial prejudice.

Thus, through “Compassion(art)” Ohaeri is attempting to demonstrate the humanity of the Middle East through two dimensional artistic mediums such as charcoal, pastels, and acrylic paint as well as some Egyptian cooking provided

by Ohaeri’s mother. So far, Ohaeri is spearheading all the artwork in the event, but if anyone is interested in helping her with the project, it would be highly appreciated. If so, contact Ohaeri at jessieohaeri@gmail.com.

photo by Zoe Cheung

Throughout the year, students have walked into their classrooms to find the standard sled desks (desks on rails with chairs attached) gone, replaced with new, less orthodox models like desks seating two people, desks with unattached chairs, and “no-chairs” (desks on wheels with attached chairs).

According to Assistant Principal Mike Pretasky, who is spearheading this project, these furniture pilots are experiments to see what students and teachers like or don’t like in anticipation for major furniture redesigns coming with the school’s renovation.

“We’re going to have a really nice, beautiful building, we’d like to have some really nice beautiful furniture for students to go with it,” said Pretasky.

The reception to the new furniture has been mixed. While several students declined to comment, saying that they didn’t care one way or another, many students had surprisingly passionate opinions on the topic of tables and chairs. Senior Taylor Simmons called the traditional sled desks, “Boring, bland, unmoveable, uncomfortable.”

He also praised the new no-chairs as more comfortable, saying, “As students, we’re stressed out, and physical pain is going to make this worse on top of the mental pain.”

Senior Ava Crowley, who is in two classes with furniture pilots, criticized the new desks, saying, “It makes the room messy. But it’s kind of nice to have an individual desk, I guess.”

“There are definitely pros and cons. From my perspective, a huge pro is the flexibility in how we can arrange the classroom… I have one personal concern, just that the work area is too small. Having a computer and a notebook is kind of challenging just on that surface area,” said English teacher Daniel Amborn.

Amborn also said that he thinks there should be some variation in furniture from classroom to classroom. “I like the notion of different classrooms having different furniture, because every classroom is its own learning environment.”

Simmons echoed those sentiments, saying, “Some classrooms, I understand [the new chairs] wouldn’t be, like, such as science rooms, but regular classes such as math, history, (and) language arts, I believe they would be beneficial.”

Pretasky revealed that specifically selected furniture for different classes would be possible, since individual departments will be in charge of choosing what furniture they want, and in what quantity.

Pretasky ended by encouraging students to check out the new furniture samples, which have been in the media center since March 9. “Right now, what we would like would be for everyone to take a look at what actually comes in the media center, they haven’t seen this before, and that’ll be helpful.”

A preview of the planned extension

The wetland areas are too moist to be paved, and occasionally flood depending on the season the weather. These factors made a boardwalk necessary for sections of the trail.

Tree clearing began in mid-November, and the pillars needed to support the trail have all been installed as of March 4.

According to the construction updates on the Three Rivers Park District website, unseasonably warm weather caused the ground to thaw earlier than expected. As a result, construction in the wetland boardwalk areas is no longer possible, and further construction will continue throughout the summer as weather and ground wetness allow.

According to trail plans, the next phase after the boardwalk is complete the installation of screening. Because of the creek’s suburban route, the trail runs close to many homes. The trail center will be an average of 175 feet from homes, and in a few places, the trail runs a mere 25 feet or less from houses. As a result of the close proximity, Three Rivers Park District will be providing screening in the form of fencing or vegetation at their own expense along the back of affected yards. This screening will be installed as soon as the boardwalk phase is complete.

Paved trail construction will occur in 2016 and 2017, and the trail project will be complete by 2017.

Senior Jess Oheari is organizing the charity show

NEWS

Isabel Thompson in-depth editor The League of Women Voters of Edina is a nonpartisan political organization affiliated with the State and the National League of Women Voters. The League encourages Edinians to participate in the voting process, but also to have an educated vote. The League of Women Voters began in 1920 when the 19th

Amendment was passed, granting women the right to vote. The League was founded to ensure that women could continue to fully participate in the democracy of the United States. “LWVE takes positions on public policy issues after studying those issues and reaching a consensus among our members about what our position should be,” writes Lonni Skrentner, resident of LWVE. Any person (woman or man) who is a citizen of the United States can participate in the League. The League is working to reform, and active members in the community only help them reach their goal faster. “We meet twice monthly from September to April, with an evening annual meeting in May. Meetings are the second week of the month on Thursday and Saturday in the mornings. Thursday’s meetings are the Edina Senior Center.

Saturday meetings are at Edina City Hall,” adds Skrentner. Their discussions vary from social, political, and economic issues

across local and national spectrums. All LWVE’s meetings are open to the public. “We generally bring in an expert speaker, have a presentation and always allow time for audience questions,” says Skrentner. Many members of the League play a large part in setting up caucuses or voting polls, and they would like to improve and modernize the voting process. They want to create simpler ways for eligible citizens to vote by providing online voter registration.

Although the League mainly focuses on the voting process, they advocate for many other statewide issues. In the past few years, the League has been pushing for affordable and highquality education for all in Minnesota. They want state funding to be even for each district. Many of the local Leagues advocate for their neighbors and not just themselves. They want to push for all of Minnesota to share in the benefits of being welleducated. “Once we adopt a position, we may advocate for it, if that issue comes up in the community, or we see a need for change in a law or policy,” comments Skrentner.

On Thursday April 14, the LWVE will be hosting a forum entitled, “Progress on Edina School Improvements Approved by Voters in May 2015 Referendum.” The school’s district plans for spending referendum money will be discussed as well as the time line for the construction at Edina High School. This forum will be discussed through Superintendent Ric Dressen.

On Thursday May 5th, ‘The Hunger for Political Tolerance: Discourse in Today’s Political Environment,’ will be lead by Professor David Schultz at St. Alban’s Church. “In general, we hold monthly meetings on current topics to encourage informed and active participation in government,” concludes Skrentner.

You’ve Got the Rights Stuff Will Schwinghammer staff writer

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Julie Yuan staff writer As the school year draws nearer to the end, several Edina High School sophomores will be heading out into the community to complete one of the final phases of their year-long Passion Project. This phase, known as the action step, requires students to carry out extended service-learning projects in two of four areas: direct service, indirect service, education, and advocacy.

Although many have yet to finalize their projects, Zephyrus spoke with two students who are already moving forward with their action projects.

Sophomore Ellen Pflaster plans to design and plant a local community garden for pollinators. “My research [project] was all about monarch butterfly conservation… and things like preserving their habitats and educating people about the issue… When I was growing up, my family would raise monarch butterflies. We had a little habitat that we made for them and we’d release them in July. So I guess that’s where the idea came from,” said Pflaster.

She believes that the community garden, although seemingly “small” in nature, has the potential to have a real positive impact. “I mean, it’s really just a garden, but it’s kind of fun to have something that you can look at in your community and say that you were a part of and that people can continue to enjoy as a community,” said Pflaster. She will be collaborating with sophomores Annika Wennerlund and Zoe Cheung to implement the project and hopes to plant the garden in a local park.

Similarly motivated by a desire to benefit those in the community around her, sophomore Gauri Madhok has focused in on a completely different issue: education. “I heard about a program that they have at Minnetonka High School called Backpack Tutors where students go to an elementary school in Minneapolis to tutor kids after school. So I talked to the organizers, and to [Dr. Locklear], and now we have fourteen kids participating,” said Madhok.

Madhok’s research paper focused on the achievement gap in America. “A huge factor in [the issue] is simply poverty. Parents of these children are either always too busy to help them or can’t afford tutoring anyway. Because of that, I thought that tutoring would be a simple and effective way to help them,” said Madhok. She has recently received approval for a bus to transport EHS students to an elementary school in Minneapolis and is optimistic about the future growth of the program.Though the process of designing and implementing their projects has been challenging, Pflaster and Madhok both feel that they have benefitted from the experience. “In the beginning, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do but now, I’ve found a topic that I actually care a lot about and I’m really trying to find a way to do something about it,” said Madhok.

Sophomore Guari Madhok

photo courtesy of Miranda Warning

Recently, there’s been controversy and confusion about citizens’ rights against the police across the nation. There’s been no shortage of stories about police brutality, overreach of police powers, and instances of police officers shooting unarmed citizens. There’s also been confusion about what exactly a citizen’s rights are when confronted by the police, and knowing these rights is an important part of being an informed citizen.

Police officers are, first and foremost, here to protect and serve the people. The vast majority of police officers are here to help the people they’ve sworn to protect. Even so, it’s important to be aware of what rights you have as a citizen of the United States, so that you can defend yourself if the need ever arises.

First and foremost, you’re protected by the Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination. The most famous way this manifests itself is in the form of the Miranda Warning. This means that before a suspect can be questioned while in custody, they have to remind you of your right to remain silent and right to an attorney.

Your rights do not have to be read during your arrest, and rights only have to be read before questioning if you’re in custody.

Contrary to popular belief, not having rights read doesn’t lead to the case being thrown out, but it can help the defendant.

Another important thing to remember is that according to Supreme Court case Tinker v. Des Moines, your rights “don’t end at the schoolhouse gate,” but they do become more limited. In the case, it was ruled that students don’t lose their constitutional rights at school. This means that you maintain your rights to non-disruptive free speech at school, just as you would anywhere else. However, another Supreme Court case, New Jersey v. T.L.O., established that students have a lower expectation of privacy at school than in a separate environment.

Specifically, a search warrant or probable cause is not required in order to search a student’s belongings, just reasonable suspicion.

The definition of reasonable suspicion is up to interpretation by the courts. According to Edina High School Resource Officer David Boosalis, an officer can normally not search a car during a stop, but there are exceptions. For example, if the officer observes someone in the car trying to hide something, has reasonable suspicion that you may be armed or involved in illegal activity, or if the driver or an occupant of the vehicle

is arrested during the stop. They can also pat a suspect down if they believe that the suspect is dangerous, and they can seize any plainly visible illegal objects during a stop. What is and is not suspicious is fairly objective, but the suspicions must be based on specific and articulable facts.

Although free speech is protected by the First Amendment and a student’s constitutional rights still protect them at school, schools can limit and discipline certain kinds of unprotected speech. Speech that is sexually vulgar is not protected as free speech, as a result of Supreme Court case Bethel v. Fraser.

Additionally, school newspapers (like Zephyrus) are subject to “prior restraint,” or censorship before publication, by the school administration. Anything written can be censored, even content that isn’t obscene or explicit. Finally, speech that advocates illegal drug usage or similar activities that are against a school’s educational mission can be punished outside of school grounds, as long as the speech takes place at a school event. School buses going to or from school or to or from a school event are also considered school grounds. In summary, speech is free but not always protected on school property.

The best course of action when confronted by the police is generally to be as non-threatening as possible and follow all directions given. Police are here to help and protect the public.

“By stopping [your car] as soon as you can, you’ll have a better chance of figuring out exactly where the officer says you committed a citation,” said Boosalis. It’s important for everyone to be familiar with their rights, in order to resist undue oppression, and knowing these rights is an essential part of being an informed and effective citizen.

A Passion for Helping the Community

Sophomore Ellen Pflaster

Edina Women Get the Word Out

photos by Zoe Cheung

FEATURES

Seventh Grade is the New Ninth Grade “Why us?” questioned 7th grader Ema Dinndorf, “Why do we have to be the guinea pigs?” In most American high schools, middle school contains grades 6 through 8, while high school houses grades 9 through 12. However, Edina has always gone against this system by having its high school only hold 10th through 12th grades. But in the fall of 2017, Edina High School will finally switch over to the more widely accepted system by including freshmen in the high school. Those freshmen are the currently seventh graders, and many of them have opposing opinions on the topic of moving into the high school a year early.

Some people like seventh grader Channing Schmidt are looking forward to the move into the high school. “I’m excited to get a high school experience earlier that the other classes did,” said Schmidt, “I’m also excited to meet and be friends with South Viewers for a longer period of time.”

Most have similar opinions to Dinndorf. “We are basically lab rats in a experiment. You hear all these things about how it’s done at the high school when you enter in 10th grade and they’re doing a total 180 and blind-siding us.”

One problem facing many of the current seventh graders, the girls especially, is the question of if they will get to have Freshwomen Day. Freshwomen Day is a day for the ninth grade girls to celebrate that they are finally at the top of the food chain in middle school. Now, all the ninth graders will be stuck at the bottom in high school. Will they still be able to celebrate Freshwoman Day? Or will it become some old tradition that Edina used to celebrate?

We’ve all seen the movies and TV shows that show the freshmen getting bullied by the upperclassmen. In TV shows like “Freaks and Geeks,” and movies like “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” the ninth graders are often shown being tormented at school by the upperclassmen just because of the grade difference. At Edina, that hasn’t really been a problem since there isn’t too big of an age gap between the sophomores and the seniors, but will this all change once the freshman move in?

“It’s scary enough to think about being the ninth graders in a big high school, but then the district has to change everything that we have to go on from older siblings and friends and it makes it worse,” said Dinndorf.

Often people say that ninth grade is the start of the time to really focus on grades and school in general, but research shows that ninth grade is a complicated year full of psychological and physical changes. “Students entering high school—just at the time brains are in flux—still have the propensity to be impulsive and are prone to making mistakes,” says psychoanalyst Dr. Linda Stern in The Atlantic magazine. “They are therefore experimental and trying to separate and might try substances that interfere with the normal developmental process. Put all that together with raging hormones, the normal academic pressures, and meeting a whole new group to be judged by.”

This change to the Edina Public Schools system could either be a positive or negative experience. Students will now have the chance to experience new classes and meet a entire new set of people a year earlier, but there is also a lot of ways it could go wrong and completely backfire for the entire school. It’s now in the current seventh graders’ hands to make or break this opportunity.

Protecting the Nation after High School Students at Edina are known for going on to do great things after high school. Talk of college and exciting gap year plans is frequently heard throughout the halls. But too often, those who have chosen different paths aren’t always recognized. Zephyrus sat down with seniors Breanna Nelson and Gerrit Gutowsky to hear their take on future plans in the armed services.

Greta Morton staff writer

contract and I go to base June 28th.

Zephyrus: What are your overall expectations for this job?

B.N.: Definitely to gain experience and have more of an understanding of more cultures around the world and helping everybody out that I can.

G.G.: Provide relief to other countries, hopefully help in the Middle East with the conflict that’s going on with ISIS right now, and provide support for other special operations units.

Zephyrus: What have you done to prepare?

B.N.: I [went] to basic training June of last year, and I continue to do drilling every single month on the weekends.

G.G.: I’ve been studying a lot, looking into the schools I have to go to. I’ve been working out a lot, swimming, running, stuff like that.

Zephyrus: Is there anything you hope to learn or gain from this job?

B.N.: [An] understanding of people’s differences, definitely, and protecting the US. G.G.: I hope to gain a better respect for mankind as a whole, [better] understand the value of a human life, and hopefully, again, just help others.

photos by Zoe Cheung

Zephyrus: Which branch of armed services will you be joining?

Breanna Nelson: The Army National Guard.

Gerrit Gutowsky: The United States Air Force.

Z: What motivated you to join?

B.N.: I really enjoy helping people, so it’s definitely up my alley.

G.G.: I had three cousins that served in the Iraqi War. One was in MARSOC Marines and one was Army Infantry, and they’ve been really big motivations for me and it has helped them out a lot. I never really wanted to go to college right away. I wanted to do something where I could help others immediately.

Z: How did you go about enlisting?

B.N.: Right when I turned 17, I went to the recruiter’s office. I wanted to sign up right away.

G.G.: Over the summer, I originally wanted to join the Marine Corps and I talked to my cousin who’s actually a recruiter in the Marine Corps. I wanted to do a combat job, [I wasn’t] sure what. I was thinking Marine Infantry, but that’s what everybody wants to do in the Marine Corps, so it’s hard to get that job. So my cousin told me about Air Forcespecial operations and I decided to do a job called Combat Control, so I talked to my recruiter this summer, got Breanna Nelson will join the Army National Gerrit Gutowsky plans on joining the processed in October and now I have my United States Air Force Guard next year

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Zephyrus sat down to get to know Nicki Tait, newest member of EHS staff.

Farhia Osman art editor Zephyrus: When did you start working here at Edina?

Nicki Tait: On Jan 20th, but Rachael (Grenier) was still here at the time.

Zephyrus: What were you most excited about coming here to Edina?

N.T.: Hanging out with students.

Zephyrus: What is your job description as the YSY coordinator?

N.T.: I hang out in this space, the YSY room, which to me symbolizes a safer space for students. So during the day, students will come in and out. Lunch is particularly busy, so are collab times, and six hour for students who have free hour. Also, I advise about ten after school clubs so Monday through Friday, which range from the GSA, Youth for Social Justice, UNICEF, Anime Club, etc. And then I also oversee the community service letter programs so students can letter in community service, so it’s a busy time of year right now because there were over 200 students who lettered last year. It’s kinda a jack-of-all-trades position, but a lot of it is sort of hanging out with students and encouraging them to be the best leaders they can be.

Zephyrus: What do you hope to accomplish as the new coordinator?

N.T.: Well Rachael was here for a long time and she did an awesome job creating this safe space and program, so I would like to continue holding it up in the same ways that Rachel did, and then, throw in pieces that are more my style. But my initial goal is to keep this the same because I think that’s what students want and what they need. Change is hard, so trying to keep this space as chill and safe as possible is my goal.

Zephyrus: What is a message you’d like to tell EHS students?

N.T.: One thing is I identify as genderqueer, so I use they/them pronoun. So I challenge students as much as they can to try to use they/them pronouns.

They’re going to screw up, so the message I’d like to give is you’re going to screw it up. Everyone does, but really try to practice using they/them and kind of thinking about your own gender identity, what means for you, and the ways in which the stereotypes have affected everyone in the school.

photo by Nate Saunders

Nikki Lund culture editor

EHS We l c o m e s Y S Y Coordinator

Nikki Tait, Edina High School’s new YSY leader

IN-DEPTH

LET’S GET IT ON But only if...

You’ve decided you’re emotionally ready You’ve thought the decision through You’ve been tested for STIs You’ve figured out your birth control You’ve talked to a trusted adult You’re sober and have established consent You feel comfortable with your partner You aren’t being pressured by anyone You’ve found the perfect location You’ve cleared your schedule You’ve taken a shower You’ve eaten a well-balanced meal You’ve hydrated You’ve done some deep stretches You’ve prepared the perfect playlist You’ve purchased Spotify Premium You’ve lit some candles You’ve prepared snacks You’ve consulted your horoscope You’ve written a poem for the occasion You’ve watched the appropriate YouTube makeup tutorials You’ve picked out the perfect outfit You’ve brushed your teeth You’ve flossed You’ve gotten a good night’s sleep You’ve cleaned your retainer You’ve taken a brisk jog around the neighborhood You’ve cleaned behind your ears You’ve cleaned your room You’ve journaled extensively about your decision You’ve applied deodorant You’ve put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” You’ve thought through some small talk for after You’ve fluffed your pillows You’ve done 100 crunches You’ve applied self-tanner You’ve caffeinated You’ve exfoliated You’ve taken some deep breaths You’ve removed all jewelry You’ve applied sunscreen (SPF 30 minimum)

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FEATURES

Teachers’ Double Lives

An International Interlude Megan Hussey human resources editor

Anna Gratzer features editor

In addition to teaching various subjects at Edina High School, many faculty members enjoy working at unique and interesting second jobs. Below, Nate Murphy, Katie Russell, and Sally Larkins answer questions about their other occupations away from their teenage students and the crowded halls of EHS. Zephyrus: What is your second job?

Nate Murphy: My second job is working for a company called Learners Edge as a course evaluator. Learners Edge is an online school for teachers to earn special certifications and get continuing education credits for their licensures. My job is to evaluate the assignments and presentations (like creating Prezis, screencasts and Google Slides) and give them feedback.

I evaluate three courses. Two are dealing with using technology in education and one is specifically for math teachers and ways to teach it effectively.

Zephyrus: What is your favorite part of it? Least favorite part?

N.M.: My favorite part of it is getting to see the projects that teachers create for different classes and grade levels than what I teach. Some teachers have some great ideas and are very creative.

It’s also fun interacting with teachers all over the world. For example I currently have one teacher taking a course from Brazil and another from Japan. My least favorite part is actually the Math course. The other two classes I get to look at presentations and see the teachers use their creativity. The math one is just reading their responses and how they may use the concepts in their classroom. It’s very dry and boring.

Zephyrus: What else do you enjoy doing outside of school?

N.M.: I love being outdoors and spending time with my wife and kids. I enjoy indoor rock climbing, shooting pool, and watching sports like the UFC, hockey, and football.

photo courtesy of the Rotary Foundation

Zephyrus: Is there anything else you would like to add?

N.M.: I am just one example of many teachers in this school that make sacrifices for their families. Teaching is not a career that will pay well, especially if you have a family and all the financial needs that comes with having kids. You definitely don’t teach for the money, you do it because you love working with kids. I have friends that make twice what I make, but have to travel and miss out on watching their kids grow up. I may never make what they do and be able to provide all the extras, but I get to be actively involved in my family. This second job allows me to have some extra money to do some extra little things, but it doesn’t take away from my time with my family. Those memories can’t be replaced with a dollar sign.

It’s rare to hear of a senior at Edina High School who will not be continuing on to college in the fall. While still not widely popular, taking a gap year to travel is a fantastic option for students looking for a different experience, or for students simply not yet ready to move on to college. This is what two EHS seniors, Elizabeth Anderson and Catherine Lee, are choosing to do in the fall of 2016 through a program called Rotary International. Anderson will be spending a year in Germany, while Lee will be going to South Korea. “I’d heard about the rotary program, and it sounded like a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I felt like I couldn’t pass up a chance to have this cool experience,” said Lee. While Anderson also felt the opportunity was something she could not pass up on, she also had reasons of her own for wanting to postpone college. “I’m graduating at age sixteen, and I do not want to go into college that young,” said Anderson. “I also lived in India for a year, and I know that I love to travel, so I’m very excited to do it again.”

Through the program, both girls will stay with a host family. They will also be expected to become fluent in the home countries’ languages. Both Anderson and Lee have been using the Pimsleur program, an audio language learning program, to help them learn the language. “I’m pretty nervous about the language barrier because Korean is so vastly different from English,” said Lee. “So far I know the alphabet well and a lot of helpful phrases but I definitely have a lot more work to do!”

Anderson knows a little bit of German, and definitely agrees that learning a language on one’s own is extremely difficult. “I’m also nervous that I might lose part of my personality because I won’t be able to express it like I can in English,” said Anderson.

Lee plans to attend college after her return from South Korea, but is still undecided as to where at the moment. While college looms ahead for the majority of the seniors at EHS, both girls will have a story or two to tell when they return from their trips abroad. “I’m most looking forward to the food, the beautiful architecture, and meeting new people!” said Lee. Anderson will join the American University Class of 2021 when she returns from Germany.

She agrees that meeting new people is something she is most looking forward to. “I love exchange students. All the exchange students here, and all the ones I’ve met that are going out on exchange next year are the most genuine, lovely, excited people you’ll ever meet. We’re all passionate about the same things. I’m just very excited to spend a year in a foreign country!”

Zephyrus: Do you enjoy working as a firefighter? Why? Katie Russell: I do. It’s very different from my teaching job. There are no papers to grade and there’s a lot of potential for improvisation and quick thinking. When people call 911 it’s because they or a friend or loved one is having a very bad time for whatever reason. I get to contribute to making things better for them. It’s a really fun job too. You get to know the other firefighters well because you spend a lot of time together on shift and at training, so they become almost like a second family.

Zephyrus: How do you overcome being nervous when you know that you are going to be responding to a difficult call?

K. R.: Our training really helps us be able to anticipate what to expect so that we can be calm when we arrive. I also pray a lot on the way to a call, because I know that ultimately I’m not the one in control.

Zephyrus: Do you have a favorite memory when working as a firefighter?

K. R.: The first time I did CPR on a real person instead of a dummy was on my birthday. The patient had a seizure disorder and had a seizure in the middle of the night and stopped breathing.

The patient’s boyfriend had to leave her to go knock on a neighbor’s door because they couldn’t afford a phone - he had the neighbor call 911 at 3am. He later reported that it took several tries before anyone responded to his knocking. Those moments could have meant the difference between life and death. My crew and I, 2 police officers and 2 paramedics did CPR on her for 30 minutes trying to get her back but she didn’t make it. That incident will always be with me to remind me how fortunate I am and how precious life is.

photo courtesy of Katie Russell

Zephyrus: Have you ever saved a cat that was stuck in a tree?

K. R.: I personally have not but I know my department has on several occasions. There have been a few recent rescues which made the news of dogs and deer that were saved from icy lakes.

Zephyrus: What is your second job?

Sally Larkins: I teach Jazzercise classes at the Edina Jazzercise Center 3-4 times a week.

Zephyrus: How did you start doing working as a Jazzercise instructor?

Russell on the job at the Eden Prairie Fire Department

S. L.: I started going to Jazzercise classes in high school with my mom. I had to take a break during college because there wasn’t a Jazzercise studio in Northfield, but I picked it up again when I started working at EHS and realized there was a studio just a couple minutes away from school. About a year ago, one of the instructors suggested that I audition to be a instructor, so I spent the summer training and passed the instructor test this September.

Zephyrus: Do you ever see any students at Jazzercise? Parents or relatives of students?

S.L.: There are quite a few EHS moms who take class at the studio where I teach. I’ve seen EHS students there once in a blue moon. This fall, two of my AP World Lit students (Casey Robinson and Ellie Bender), came to class dressed in full 80s aerobics gear. It was amazing.

Zephyrus: What’s your favorite part of it? Least favorite part?

S.L.: It’s the perfect combination of an energy boost and a stress reliever. I love dancing and I love music, so Jazzercise is the perfect exercise for me. No least favorite part. Seriously, it’s one of my favorite things in the world.

Zephyrus: Which do you prefer: teaching Jazzercise or teaching English class? In what ways are they similar and different?

S.L.: Jazzercise is all about telling people exactly what to do, whereas I see my job as an English teacher being about helping people discover and express their own opinions. But I guess in both jobs, I’m trying to motivate my students to push themselves. Jazzercise involves a lot more Spandex than teaching English.

Zephyrus: What is your favorite song in your Jazzercise routine?

S.L.: I have so many favorites, and we get new ones every two months. Some current faves are the routines to “Confident” by Demi Lovato and “What Do You Mean?” by Justin Bieber.

Zephyrus: Is there anything else you would like to add?

S.L.: Come take a class with me! Check out http://jcls.jazzercise.com/facility/jazzercise-edinafitness-center for the location and class times!

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More teacher profiles featured on www.edinazephyrus.com.

OPINION

2016 Presidential Candidates Bernie Sanders

Hillary Clinton

Julie Yuan staff writer

Tanner Jones and Audrey Sheehy staff writer and print edior in chief

Beneath the gruff exterior, senator Bernie Sanders is a man with revolutionary ideas for the future of American politics. As an Independent from Vermont running for the Democratic party nomination, Sanders has gained a reputation as a “democratic socialist” for his support of Eurosocialism. He is notably outspoken on the issue of civil rights, having begun his career of political activism in 1962 as a participant in several welldocumented desegregation and anti-war protests.

Having served in political office for over 30 years as a mayor, representative, and senator, Sanders has a decidedly leftist voting record, supporting abortion rights, higher minimum wage, withdrawal from international free-trade programs, stricter gun control laws, and open-border immigration. His main policy initiatives include establishing a single-payer healthcare system, regulating corporate campaign contributions, investing in sustainable energy research, banning discrimination against LGBT persons, providing free public higher education, and abolishing the private prison industry.

Sanders has gained momentum here in Minnesota where he won 61.6% of the vote in the recent caucuses.

However, after the results of the March 15th primaries, his losses to Hillary Clinton in Florida, North Carolina, Illinois, and most importantly, Ohio, will significantly hinder future progress towards receiving the Democratic nomination. Nonethless, Sanders remains in the race and will continue to challenge his competitor, Hillary Clinton, as well as the rest of the Democratic party, with his demands for genuinely progressive reform.

Although he may have neither the exorbitant super-PAC funding nor the extensive campaign endorsements of his rivals, Sanders has received widespread support amongst the 18-25 age demographic who see him as the candidate who will advocate for the future generations of America. His realistic, down-to-earth approach to addressing the major issues of the 2016 race has gained him the respect of even the most conservative voters.

Te d C r u z Julie Yuan staff writer Known in previous years as a favorite of Tea Partiers, Ted Cruz, currently a Republican senator from Texas and previously the state’s solicitor general, has been characterized as a fundamentalist conservative firebrand, fighting for limited government and a return to Constitutional principles. He has argued nine cases before the Supreme Court, including the landmark District of Columbia v. Heller in which Cruz spoke in defense of the 2nd Amendment.

His voting record speaks to his right-wing ideologies; he is strongly pro-life, antisame sex marriage, pro-“big business,” pro-closed border immigration policy, antienvironmental regulation, and anti-gun control. His main policy initiatives include: increasing military spending to 4.1% of GDP; establishing a “Cruz Flat Tax” system for both personal and corporate income; eliminating the IRS, Department of Education, and several other governmental agencies; repealing recent EPA regulations including the Clean Power Plan; and securing the Mexico-US border with a wall and increased border patrols.

Cruz has fared reasonably well in the recent primaries, winning 29% of the vote in the Minnesota caucuses and coming in first in states such as Iowa, Maine, Texas, and Idaho. However, with competitor Donald Trump receiving such a large percentage of support in certain “battleground” states and considering Cruz’s admittedly tenuous relationships with the Republican party establishment, victory is still a long way off. As a relatively unexperienced candidate, his promises are bold, brash, and unlikely to be fulfilled while his aggressive, elitist approach to campaigning has alienated many potential conservative supporters.

After all, Cruz’s reputation as the most hated man in Washington certainly doesn’t bode well for the future, even if he does manage to capture the Republican nomination. photos courtesy of Google

Where Clinton fails in favorability and charisma, she excels in electability and experience. Clinton’s tumultuous and scandalous past deem her, at least in my opinion, difficult to like. However, her ties in Washington and mind for foreign policy would likely make her a successful president. More importantly, she thrives with black and Hispanic voters, two demographics key to Democratic success.

For education, Clinton hopes to combat student debt, make community college free, and fund universal Pre-K. Additionally, Clinton supports the banning of several types of assault weapons, repealing protections for gun manufacturers, pushing the NRA out of politics, waiving deportation, giving undocumented residents an easy path to citizenship, and raising minimum wage to twelve dollars an hour. As her campaign has developed, Clinton has solidified her position on social issues. She has supported the expansion of planned parenthood and seeks to even the playing field for same-sex couples, additionally she wants to expand Obamacare.

Although she’s been inconsistent, most of her views are righteous. For Sanders supporters frustrated by Clinton’s success, be glad that Bernie has pushed her left, and be prepared for a nearly inevitable Clinton nomination.

Donald Trump Tanner Jones and Audrey Sheehy staff writer and print editor in chief In recent months, Trump’s campaign, one defined by unorthodoxy and rapid growth, has dominated the national stage. As a result, strong support has propelled Trump to amass more wins, and more delegates than any other GOP contender, despite his knack for antagonizing women, Hispanics, African Americans, and Muslims.

Trump wants to make automatic budget cuts, and he believes that climate change is a hoax. He doesn’t want to cut Social Security or Medicare, but rather, he wants to stimulate the economy to support these programs. Trump supports limiting acceptable assault weaponry, extending the waiting period for weapon purchases, deporting all undocumented immigrants, freezing green cards, and instituting a temporary ban on all Muslim immigrants to the United States.

Additionally, he hopes to defund aspects of Planned Partenthood, and wants to repeal and replace Obamacare.

The Trump train is driven by an electorate that prides itself on being anti-elite and antiestablishment; accordingly, his appeal exists in the simplicity of his message. Trump, like his voters, understands neither the subtleties nor nuance of foreign policy, hence, when asked for his solution on immigration, Trump’s gave a simple and appealing response: build a wall. When asked how he would resolve the fiscal implications of such a statement, Trump retorted: make Mexico pay for it.

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John Kasich Tanner Jones and Audrey Sheehy staff writer and print editor in chief Kasich is, undoubtedly, the most moderate GOP contender, and this fact is decisively working against him. In a year of unprecedented antiestablishment sentiment, candidates like Kasich simply cannot flourish. Additionally, his plan for a brokered convention, though feasible, is unlikely to work in his favor (at best he would be tied to a Cruz ticket).

Kasich is possibly the most politically experienced Republican candidate, who won his first election at the age of twenty-four. He spent two decades in Congress, won re-election as Ohio’s governor by thirty points, and helped formulate the nation’s balanced budget in 1997.

Kasich believes that climate change is a real problem, but he does not think that the EPA should regulate emissions; instead he wants the private companies to work on reducing their carbon emissions.

He supports the Common Core program, but wants to cut more than $84 million dollars of spending to public education. Additionally he supports allowing undocumented citizens to stay, compromising a path to citizenship, keeping the Medicaid expansion, repealing the rest of the Affordable Care Health Act, banning abortions after 20 weeks unless the life of the mother is in danger, and cutting income and corporate taxes.

Despite his shortfallings, Kasich does have one thing going for him: his success in Ohio. As the Buckeye State’s favorite son, Kasich has greater favorability and stronger groundwork in Ohio than any other candidate (from either party), which translated to Kasich’s first win. In practically every other election cycle, this would be indicative of a strong campaign, for, since 1900, Ohio has correctly predicted the president 26 times (93%). But this year, largely due to the meteoric rise of Donald Trump (and Ted Cruz for that matter), virtually all conventional wisdom facing the GOP has been invalidated. Hence, Kasich is running for office four years too late.

OPINION

The Republican Party is Falling Apart “If you’re not a liberal at 25 you have no heart, and if you’re not a conservative at 40, you have no brain.” Winston Churchill has been credited with speaking these words, but whether he actually said them remains unclear. From the moment I heard this quote, I nodded my head in agreement, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized the problematic underlying sentiments behind the statement.

Throughout my life, I have been constantly surrounded by friends, family, and teachers who would identify themselves as more liberal than I am. This has never been a problem for me, but the more I have gone through the education system at Edina High School, the more I have realized that there is a stigma against being conservative, especially in an environment of younger people. I have never felt comfortable sharing my opinions in classroom discussions in relation to politics because I know many students will disagree and think that I am an idiot who is an over-the-top Christian and has had an easy life. (They would be wrong on most accounts.) I blame this environment on our polarized political system which has been created by Democrats and Republicans alike. Both sides preach “acceptance” in their own ways, and yet when they both sit down at a table, even the best of them can’t hold a constructive conversation. We gripe about our politicians who “can’t get anything done” in arguments, but on multiple accounts I have seen the same phenomenon occur in my classroom discussions.

Which gets me to my point. I think the term “conservative” has been destroyed by the Republican Party and that is why the

GOP is currently falling apart at the seams.

As the current polls show, after the results of Super Tuesday, of Super Saturday, and of the most recent primaries on Mar. 15, it appears that Donald Trump has a betterthan-average shot at winning the nomination for the GOP. Although most people think Donald Trump is a class-A jerk (putting it mildly), which he definitley is, Trump isn’t the “crazy train” that is leading to the demise of the Republican Party.

There is no doubt now that the adjectives racist, sexist, and elitist are associated with the term conservative, but I would argue that conservatism has been perceived that way for years, well before Donald Trump hit the scene.

Unfortunately, like with all ideologies, when a few extremists make their mark, the reputation of an entire group of people goes down the drain. For example, people like the shooter in South Carolina this past summer, or Catholic priests, or dare I say it, Sarah Palin, all have left their mark on the reputation of conservatives. All of these people, whether publicly aligned with the Republican Party or not, have been thrust into the “conservative” category because they were “close-minded” or “hyperreligious” people. Like all perceptions, this is an overgeneralization on the verge of a stereotype. What is most intriguing art by Megan Talghader

Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief

to me, is that the majority of people who represent the moderate conservative vote (who make the majority of the Republican Party), are the ones who never share their opinions in public. Please let me clarify, not all conservatives are religious, and not all religious people are conservative.

This is one of the Republican Party’s mistakes, it continually aligns itself with religion. The GOP needs to wake up and realize that by continually aligning itself with Christianity, it is alienating a growing population of the United States which consists of a wide variety of religious belief systems. And besides the controversial topic of abortion, I’m almost positive that Christianity preaches to give everything to the poor, which I believe is much more aligned with the platform of the Democratic Party.

I greatly understand the need to protect religion, but the Republican Party needs to start openly defending all religion, even the lack thereof, if it wants to stay relevant in America.

By aligning its principles with Christianity, the Republican Party’s arguments alienate many because they come off as self-righteous. If the Republican Party remains true to the term conservative, which bases itself in defending the individual’s freedom from government, everyone

should have the freedom to make their own decisions as long as they are not breaking the law. Therefore, the Party should not be getting involved in situations that interrupt one’s ability to live their personal life the way they want. The GOP has lost so much support because it cannot attract younger voters, and it cannot attract younger voters because it is stuck trying to live in a world that repressed people’s freedoms. The party is unable to capture the younger voter because it takes such a strict stance on social issues that are the cultural norm in today’s world.

We live in the twenty-first century, and whether you agree with the current state of the world or not, it is no longer acceptable to tell people who they can and cannot marry or what they can and cannot do with their bodies. It is also not acceptable to forcibly kick established families out of the country. For those Republicans who are anti-gay marriage, anti-abortion, and antiimmigration, this may be unfortunate in their eyes, but the Republican Party as a whole cannot keep fighting a clearly uphill battle with the majority of the American public on personal social issues if it wants to survive.

The party needs to redraft its principles and focus on its economic policies, and in my opinion on America’s biggest issue, our budget deficit.

The Republican Party hasn’t been able to put forth an all-around strong presidential candidate in years, and its support is going to continue to decline if it cannot face the facts.

The party needs to flush out the old, and find new, young faces who can stop dividing American voters into age, gender, and race.

At this point, especially with the bleak election ahead, the party faces an ultimatum; it needs to wake up and smell the roses or quickly fade into oblivion.

Restricting Religion in School Ben Gustafson staff writer At public schools such as Edina High School, there is no place for religion, but for many EHS students and staff, faith plays an enormous role in how they live their lives. “I feel like faith should be something that permeates your entire life.

Christian values of faith, charity, sympathy, and compassion are qualities that I think everyone can agree are welcome in any teacher regardless of their faith (at least I’ve never met a parent who asked me to dial down my compassion when it comes to their kid; if you find one, let me know). My faith makes me a happy person, and when my kids come into my room that’s what they see. Just a teacher who loves life and is trying to get the most out of it. They don’t have to resonate with my religious beliefs to reap the benefits,” said EHS math teacher Noah Franske.

Furthermore, although there are always exceptions, like anybody else in a relatively diverse society, the majority of believers are able to follow their religion while being respectful of others’ beliefs. “There is sort of an unspoken code among the boy scouts that you don’t tell anyone you’re an Eagle Scout. Your actions and words should make people

stop and ask themselves what’s different about you. I feel the same way about faith. If students are curious about my energy, enthusiasm, and passion in life, then I’m happy to have that discussion. These are great opportunities for teaching students about life and how to enjoy every day of it. If faith enters the conversation, that’s just fine,” said Franske.

Because the US Constitution dictates the separation of church and state, EHS school curriculum must be generated based on secular standards. Although the intentions of the establishment clause are in the right place by protecting the right of minority religions and beliefs, the second part of the establishment clause, better known as the free exercise clause (“or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”) supports the idea that schools should not be able to deny students the ability to explore religious teachings, provided that they do it respectfully and without disrupting the learning of other students. Because there is currently no room for allowing students to act on their curiosity of religious teachings in public schools, the government is ultimately doing the opposite of what the first amendment intended; it is suppressing the voice of religion and it is respecting the establishment of one belief system and one belief system only: secularism. “The first amendment was not written to protect the American people from religion; the first amendment was

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written to protect the American people from government tyranny,” said former president Ronald Reagan.

However, since schools could not possibly provide students with education in all religions, the alternative is to provide students with the ability to learn about a faith on their own terms. For example, the door should always be open for students to initiate a conversation with their teachers about religion. Also, assuming students are not trying to force their beliefs on anybody else, students should have the right to pray, participate in religious clubs, and participate in any other religious rituals as they please on school property.

In conclusion, if public schools would stop worrying about suppressing all religious acts in schools, students and staff would learn to live in harmony with people who may not necessarily have the same beliefs as them, a skill that they will absolutely need outside of the public schooling system. “When I was teaching in Florida I was surrounded by people who shared my religious views. It was great to be able to openly practice my faith with my school community, but to be honest I didn’t do a whole lot of growing during my time there.

Being surrounded by people of diverse faiths as you would find in a public school is so much more exciting. I learn a lot from my students, and I like to think that they occasionally learn something from me,” said Franske.

CULTURE

The Ultimate EHS Bucket List Hugh Cashman news editor

Extend a Hand of Friendship Rebecca Edgington culture editor

Lush Cosmetics is a cosmetic brand that prides itself in creating masculine, feminine, homemade, all-natural, crueltyfree products for all ages. They sell soaps, face masks, bath bombs, lotions, makeup, and perfumes. Headquartered in London, England, they have locations all over the world and plenty in the Twin Cities area including stores at the Mall of America and in Edina on 50th and France.

Lush has different promotions and products for each holiday; for Valentine’s Day this year they started their “Extend a Hand of Friendship” campaign. Limited-edition cherry blossom gold and pink heart soaps in the shape of two shaking hands are being sold for the campaign, and 100% of the proceeds are going towards supporting Syrian refugees.

There were also postcards in the store that could be filled out with a note and sent to a refugee for free. The campaign started over Valentine’s Day, but the soap will continue to be sold on Lush’s website.

Elizabeth Schuetzle is a senior at Edina High School and works at Lush. Schuetzle recalled how she observed the brand’s media presence. “I follow Lush on Instagram, and they had a post about the soap and about refugees, and I remember reading the comments, and so many of them were so hateful and so horrible, but I really appreciate that the company continued to support the love and peace and friendship that the campaign represents, even though it makes some consumers angry,” she said.

The Syrian refugee crisis is one of the largest humanitarian crises of our time. Over 12 million Syrians have lost their homes and been displaced, nearly 5 million have fled are are currently living as refugees, and over 470,000 Syrians have lost their lives due to the war. Lush wanted to use this campaign to give aid to the refugees arriving in North America.

The campaign page states: “The plight of Syrian refugees is tragic and heartbreaking. Although many do not want to leave their families and homes, violence and instability has forced them out of their country. For families that have lost everything, making a new home will be both challenging and difficult, but we can all help make this easier by demonstrating the best our communities have to offer – with love and friendship.”

Lush offers an easy way for people to show support for the refugees, while getting a great product at the same time.

“If I could write to a refugee I would say: welcome to the country, don’t let people get you down, we’re happy to have you and that’s what this country should be about, helping people and appreciating diversity and different cultures,” Schuetzle said.

Sophie Cannon head staff writer From Facebook to Twitter, Instagram to Tumblr, the hashtag #FreeKesha has been trending since the allegations against Sony producer Lukasz Gottwald, or Dr. Luke, came out publicly. In 2014, Kesha filed the lawsuit against Dr. Luke and two years later on Feb 19 2016, the story blew up and took over headlines.

For those who haven’t heard, Kesha, the singer songwriter of hit songs like “TiK ToK,” and “We R Who We R,” has come out publicly about how her producer, Dr. Luke had raped and sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused her. He claims however, that her testimony is false, and that he “loved her like a sister.”

To further exacerbate the drama in this case and the public hatred for Dr. Luke, when Kesha took her contract to a New York court, the judge ruled that Kesha was legally bound to her contract and must keep producing with Dr. Luke.

As the story got picked up by social media sites, hashtags and posts were rampant within a 24 hour period of Kesha’s announcement, and even more so after the judge’s ruling. The general public pledged their support of the pop star’s bravery in coming out with her story of abuse, some even following suit and sharing their own personal stories, inspired by Kesha.

In addition to the public’s show of support on social media, many bigname celebrities jumped right in with the crowd, all demonstrating their compassion for Kesha to their billions of followers on their respective social media accounts and platforms. Celebrities such as Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande, Fiona Apple, Lorde, Iggy Azalea, Miley Cyrus, and Kelly Clarkson have all publicly stood up for her, using the #FreeKesha

hashtag movement.

One celebrity in particular stepped off social media and decided to contribute in another substantial way. Taylor Swift gave Kesha $250,000 to help her pay for any and all legal expenses this suit may entail. This monetary donation was praised by some, but not all, as Demi Lovato tweeted out some critiques surrounding the gift. “Take something to Capitol Hill or actually speak out about something and then I’ll be impressed,” Lovato tweeted. After receiving hate from her fans and fans of Kesha, she later took to her Instagram and captioned a photo with a long message to all of her haters.

“Not everyone has 250k to just give to people.

At least I speak up about s**t that’s uncomfortable to talk about rather than trying to be politically correct 24/7. There’s no ‘rivalry’ I just give more f***s than other people and would rather start dialogue ABOUT WOMEN COMING FORWARD ABOUT BEING RAPED than throw money at one person. At least I’m getting my hands dirty,” Lovato wrote.

Aside from the one instance of inter-celebrity fighting with Swift and Lovato above, the camaraderie of the music industry then one of their own is mistreated stands out as an amazing aspect of fame that a member of the public rarely gets to witness. One normally sees celebrities at charity galas all dressed up, or dedicating their Grammy to a foundation or group. What

we don’t see often are celebrities using the commonplace platform of social media to assist the public in starting a movement for change, dedicated to one of their own with a very real and relatable problem.

According to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) website, 1 out of every 6 American women has been or will be the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. Sophomore Tala Sabri realized that there were no clubs that addressed the prevalent issue, and so she started the club Stand Against Sexual Harassment

photo courtesy of Twitter

It’s a well known fact that since the dawn of social media, people can’t think for themselves anymore. Lucky for the students of Edina High School, the staff here at Zephyrus is willing to tell you how to enjoy your high school years. Here’s a bucket list.

1. Leave for collab as an underclassmen 2. Lead a chant in the student section 3. Violate an attendance contract 4. Meet friends from other schools 5. Take a Snapchat story with the Minneapolis geotag 6. Give Doc Loc knuckles 7. Dance in the circle at a dance 8. Poop in school 9. Campaign for court (even though you won’t win) 10. Act excited for the people who made court when you’re actually dead inside 11. Buy something healthy from DECA Cafe 12. Read through an entire Zephyrus 13. Graduate

#freekesha: The Story Behind the Sony Accusations

(SASH). “When we found out that Kesha’s freedom was denied, we were outraged. Honestly, I think most of us can agree that we want to live in a society that doesn’t ask questions like ‘What were you wearing, or were you drinking, but asks if the victim is O.K. and who did it to them,” said Sabri.

Whether you are a celebrity or not, this public act of not letting the abuser get away with it and speaking up has started a chain reaction of victims coming forward. While Kesha’s painful experience was horrible, it has opened the door to the conversation on sexual assault and hopefully will continue to lessen the stigma surrounding the victims.

A Guildbook to EHS Productions Jenna Simon staff writer Each year, the Edina High School arts scene buzzes with entertaining shows, performances, and concerts. Between all of its plays, concerts, and informational events, EHS ends up preforming over 30 different produtions each year, and EHS continuously proves itself as an institution which values the performing arts. But what truly sets the high school’s cultural performances apart is their dedication to reaching audiences beyond the student body Several annual productions such as the Thespians’ plays and the Concert Choir’s Current Jam concert run for an entire weekend, and the Thespians’ fall musical along with the Concert Band’s POPs Concert are performed for two full weekends. Each performance is usually at least close to if not completely sold out. This wouldn’t happen if only the parents of the performers were attending the shows. EHS students put incredible amounts of time and effort into a large

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number of productions not just for their families, but for their community.

There are several productions put on

by EHS groups that are meant specifically to engage members of the community outside of the high school. For example, several shows are geared towards children in Edina. The EHS orchestras performs the Pajama Jamboree, where the audience is encouraged to wear their pajamas with the members of the orchestra, and the orchestra performs fun pieces which the kids are certain to recognize. Similarly, the Edina Varsity Band puts on the Carnival Concert each year, which includes festive pieces along with a carnival before the concert for the kids. “[The concert] is an amazing way to be involved in the community,” said EHS junior and Varsity Band member Enya Guettler, “and an awesome experience because of the lasting positive effect it has on the kids.” Both events are meant to engage and entertain the young kids of Edina, and get them excited for what opportunities that are yet to come for them at the high school.

Even outside of EHS’s typical performing arts activities such as choir, band, orchestra, and theatre, several clubs at the high school offer their own productions to showcase to the community what they are proud to have accomplished. Each year, the EHS Multicultural Club organizes the Multicultural Show for the community.

The show celebrates several cultures through performances of spoken word, dance, fashion, and music. Also this year, the EHS Black Student Union organized the first annual Sun Down to Sun Up program, which celebrated black history and art. The program included performances of music and poetry, and featured several guest speakers. These two programs were just a couple of the several artistic productions EHS offers each year beyond its standard performing arts program.

EHS should be proud of the wide support it receives from the entire community.

Hamming it up Over Hammocks Seriously the dopest way to sleep,” said Hirshfield. Hirshfield isn’t the only Edina High School student who likes to sleep in his hammock. In fact, junior Henry Adams sleeps Last summer, hammocks, or “mocks,” outside in his every night, even through the changed the meaning of the phrase “hanging winter. “[I] sleep better in it than in a normal out”. Friends now ask friends to go hammock bed,” said Adams, “I [have] slept in it every as an activity - or lack of activity - as opposed night outside since July.” He continues to sleep to playing video games or playing a pickin his Eno Double Deluxe despite the weather. up sport. It was impossible to miss the “As it got colder and colder I kept adding more multicolored hammocks strung between trees and more blankets and sleeping bags. The in every outdoor public place. coldest it ever was when I was in there was -19, Finding a good place to mock has become a and I cut a hole in the bottom of a sleeping bag city-wide predicament, especially when there that went around the entire hammock,” said are so many factors to take into account. “[A Adams, “This summer, during those massive place] not too high, not too low. Preferably storms I was out in my yard under a tarp.” with a soothing wind that reaches you through Adams also mocks during the day, though, the aging branches,” said senior Niccolo and he had many location suggestions. “The Joy. “There’s a place right by Minnehaha woods are typically preferable but there is Falls under a bridge that I like. I like to live this great spot in Taylors Falls right next to a dangerously, and also the bugs can’t really 70-foot cliff. Also, at Arden Park, down the reach me there.” river a little bit from the main bridge, there are “I like going to the [high school] turf in the two trees on both sides of the river so you can summer, but my favorite is probably Arneson hang over the water. There are also some great Acres. It’s convenient, has lots of trees, and is woods right by the usually empty,” Lake Harriet Rose said senior Allie Gardens. Hyland Hogan.

Hills and that Another surrounding area student, senior is an open park in Hunter Hirshfield, the summer so you who posts can hike up the hill pictures of and hang at the top, himself mocking or go back into the on Snapchat hiking trails and regularly, anywhere back had volumes there is good. Also of insight any abandoned involving ideal buildings near hammocking Mocking in parks is a fun summer activity! the Mill City locations. “Arneson Acres is cool, but I also Museum,” said Adams. love mocking in my backyard, or setting up In conclusion, it seems like the best places over a stream in Bredeson Park. Another place, involve a combination of adrenaline, like over Monkey Village, was really dope before they a river or under a bridge, and convenience, like tore it down,” said Hirshfield. Monkey Village a place in Edina with an abundance of trees was a set of trees in the Cahill Neighborhood, to choose from. Hammocks have changed the near Edina Market. “My buddies and I would game by taking advantage of the indecisiveness walk down the train tracks and then hop off of the ordinary teenager, because now one and walk through some brush to this awesome can be indecisive and incredibly comfortable secluded area. The trees were perfectly set simultaneously. Truth be told, any two trees up in a circle so you could chill there,” said that are somewhat close together is a good Hirshfield. place to mock, as long as you are in the “Nothing better than sleeping in your presence of good company. hammock outside, next to a lake or something.

Erik LIndquist online editor in chief

CULTURE

The Late Late Show With Edina!

What to do in Edina at Night Anne Amen features editor

photo by Nate Saunders

When the sun goes down in Edina, the streetlights illuminate a multitude of evening attractions. Many of the after-dark activities are close to home, require little planning, and promise plenty of adventure.

The top of the Pinstripes parking garage, known as “Narnia” to EHS students, provides a stunning vista of Edina lights after sundown. With a reputation as the best panorama in Edina, this is a great place to visit if you’re looking for a unique destination for minimal effort.

Late night restaurant runs are another good activity. Many students frequent Perkins, Davanni’s, and a multitude of smaller restaurants around Edina after the evening rush.

The Centennial Lakes Park offers many activities that change with the seasons.

Come spring, Centennial Lakes opens its putting course, croquet, lawn bowling, and paddle boat services, all open late thanks to the delayed summer sunset.

Nearby is the Edina Promenade, threequarters of a mile of pedestrian and bike pathways lined with sculptures made by local artists. As an open walking path, the Promenade has no closing hour, and can be a destination by itself or a stop on the way to the connecting park area around Centennial Lakes or the retail area of Southdale.

Southdale Mall has also become a much more appealing destination since its renovation several years ago. The AMC movie theater remains a worthy destination for the biggest box office hits.

The updated and expanded food court has many affordable and interesting options for a full meal or just a pre-movie snack. P.S. Check out Macy’s third floor candy kitchen for an amazing variety of truffles, mixed chocolates, and more!

The 50th and France area offers theaters, restaurants, and retail, but with a more specialized and unique flair. Check out the Edina Theater for movies you may have never heard about. Movies begin as late as 9:40 p.m. Restaurant menus range from escargot to burgers to sushi, so if you’re feeling adventurous, check out Raku or Salut. If you’d rather keep it classically American, the Edina Grill and 50th Street Cafe will give you all the beef and waffles you can dream of.

If you prefer trees to shopping, Edina’s many parks are the perfect place to pack a picnic or revert to your childhood with group activities such as ghosts in the graveyard. There are nearly forty neighborhood parks in the area, which offer a variety of facilities including tennis courts and bike trails open at all hours.

Ultimately, the best way to find things to do in Edina is to explore.

Start in familiar territory and follow advertisements, recommendations, and your own sense of curiosity (and common sense) to new places. With nearly forty parks, a wide variety of restaurants, several movie theaters, and two main downtown areas, there’s always something interesting hiding away from the routine attractions.

With a little research and good reasoning, you can find all the hidden gems waiting to be discovered in Edina.

Beyond the Bubble: Linden Hills Christina Orth news editor

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atmosphere.” Uniquely Yours, Heart of Tibet & Sky Door and Wild Rumpus Children’s Book Store are great for a little shopping. Uniquely Yours offers high end jewelry but head over to Heart of Tibet for handmade gemstone accessories. Wild Rumpus is an independently owned bookstore full of creative books. Take a trip to Neverland at Wild Rumpus or join them on April 30th to celebrate Independent Bookstore Day. If you don’t know what to buy your weird cousin for Easter, browse Linden Hills (shops) for a variety of potential gifts.

photo by of Uma Bhati

Linden Hills is situated in Minneapolis, tucked away from the hustle and bustle of downtown on Lake Harriet. Home to local businesses and small town charm, you can find first rate restaurants and quaint shops right next to the lakes.

Lake Harriet, your hip aunt’s favorite hangout, is a magnet for runners and bikers. In the summer, paddleboard or kayak during the day, then retreat to the bandshell for movie night.

After spending all day working up your appetite, head to Bread and Pickles or walk a block to Naviya’s Thai Brasserie for Asian cuisine. Serving locally sourced food in a no waste manner, Bread and Pickle seasonally serves up delicious hamburgers and frosty Arnie Palmers. Naviya’s Thai Brasserie, another urban retreat, takes a twist on classic Thai food. Infamous amongst food lovers at Edina, the authentic and healthy restaurant is truly a gem of Linden Hills.

The small commercial district is conveniently located walking distance from the lakes. As temperatures rise, Sebastian Joe’s is a perfect spot for a treat. The local ice cream company

offers a plethora of flavors varying from your classic chocolate chip cookie dough to the more eccentric roasted plum black peppercorn. Locally sourced art covers the walls of the shop, as family and friends convene on the outside patio to dig in.

Cafe Zumbro, a breakfast destination and Instagram star, is a cute local favorite. With breakfast staples such as French Toast and Eggs benedict, the buzzing breakfast nook is great for Sunday mornings. Healthy options with a nod to Minnesotan heritage (anything served with their Buckwheat Wild Rice is going to be good), the restaurant’s atmosphere contributes to half of its appeal. After a fulfilling brunch, your hip aunt would surely insist on a quick visit to Dunn Brothers Coffee across the street. Dunn Brothers is coffeehouse chain with affordable prices and buttery scones. With a particular interest in sustainable beans, the espresso and cold-brew joint draws a crowd of varying ages year around. A great space to work with a group or meet a friend, Dunn Brothers pastries and beans are baked or roasted fresh every day. A trip to Linden Hills would not be complete without a visit!

Along with the restaurants, charming boutiques and shops line the streets devoting more charm the “small village

The scenic area of Liden Hills

SPORTS

Giving Back to the Game: From Athlete to Coach Max North staff writer

Molly Sparrow sports editor Not many students are aware that Edina High School’s special education program has some very talented athletes. Fortunately, EHS offers many opportunities in athletics for students who have special needs. These opportunities include soccer during the fall season, floor hockey during the winter season, and softball during the spring season. “I get exercise instead of being a couch potato,” said senior Emily Streeter. “I like sports because I have fun and get to be involved,” said senior Zach Williams.

Athletic programs are offered through the Bloomington Jefferson Jets and the Bloomington Kennedy Flyers teams. The Jets and Flyers include students in grades 7-12 who have special needs. Each sport has a JV and Varsity team with athletes from Bloomington, Edina, Richfield, and Eden Prairie. The Jets website states that “all four of these high schools help support adapted athletics and support the students with pep rallies, yearbook entries, year-end banquets, and trophy displays that parallel a typical student-athlete experience. Studentathletes may earn awards, school letters, all-conference honors, and MSHSL all-tournament team honors.”

Another program for Edina special education students is the Special Olympics. Special Olympics is an opportunity for Edina students to get involved with various athletics against new competition. The Special Olympics mission statement reads, “We provide year-round sports training and athletic competition in a variety of Olympic-type sports for children and adults with intellectual disabilities. Those activities give them continuing opportunities to develop physical fitness, demonstrate courage, experience joy and participate in a sharing of gifts, skills and friendship.” On Feb. 22, EHS was able to send three teams to the Special Olympics State Unified Basketball Tournament.

The athletic programs offered for special education students at Edina provides for a stronger community, fun opportunities, and great exercise. Elise Toepel is a new student at EHS this year and was able to find a community through Edina’s adapted athletic opportunities. “I made a lot of friends through JETS and special Olympics,” said Toepel. EHS’ adapted sports athletes would love to see you at some of their softball games this spring!

Marathon Madness EHS Students Go the Distance Megan Talghader opinion editor

When asked why she wanted to pull off something that required such a commitment Kohlmayr replied, “Because I really want the 26.2 sticker! Just kidding...I love running and have been for a while; this year I did cross country, and for the first time started clocking a lot more mileage, which made the thought of running a marathon actually seem feasible. That’s when I started really considering it - the thought of being able to push my body to its limits, and achieve something that I considered impossible for myself, really excited me. I had also been going through a lot of ups and downs the last year, and dedicating myself to this is a way for me to prove to myself that I can accomplish anything I work for - as cheesy as it sounds. Once a few of my friends began signing up for it, I had no more excuses, so I registered and committed!”

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phtot courtesy of Chiara Kohlmayr

Soon, the streets of Rochester, Minnesota will be overflowing with hundreds of participants for its 21st annual running of the Med City Marathon. The marathon takes places on May 29th and will have the starting point right off of 4th Street Northwest located at Byron Middle School.

The runners will then set east following County Highway 34 toward Rochester, until they cross the finish line near the Mayo Civic Center and Mayo Park.

Throughout all 26.2 miles of the course, the route allows participants to appreciate the outdoors with its welcoming atmosphere and beautiful scenery. For the first third of the race, runners pass parks, golf courses, tree-lined streets, etc. on a course laid out

through plentiful rolling hills. The route then mellows out to a flat levelled course for the rest of the race, which is 13.1 miles.

Even though the race seems pretty straight forward, runners have to work hard to train for this event. Chiara Kohlmayr, a senior at Edina High School, said, “I’m following a training schedule put together by one the cross country coaches. It’s usually running 5 times a week, including a long run once a week, and then two rest/cross training days.” It undoubtedly takes a lot of time and effort to build up enough stamina for the marathon like this, especially when it’s an exercise that takes up a majority of the day.

Scheduled starting time for the marathon is 7:00 AM, and runners have a shuttle bus for transportation that will be provided from the parking to the race start. This way, no one will have to waste energy walking there.

photo courtesy of Special Olympics

Edina High School is full of athletes. Some end their athletic careers in elementary or middle school, while others play all the way through senior year.

Lots of students tend to drop out of sports because it can be a lot of work, recently though, instead of completely forgetting their favorites sports, some students have gone back to coach.

One sport that high school students have begun to help out with is baseball. Lots of students now are really giving back to this sport and working on teaching the next generation of Edina Baseball players. Grant Nicholas, a current senior at Edina, helps out coaching baseball camps in the spring and summer. “I really enjoy baseball, having gone through the day ball program and playing baseball since I was a little kid,” said Nicholas. Nicholas has many jobs in the Edina Baseball program, “I run drills for the players, teaching them basic skills, since they are just starting out playing baseball. I introduce them to the fundamentals of catching, throwing, and hitting. The first couple weeks are drills, and then we get into the games, which the kids always look forward to,” said Nicholas. Nicholas also used to play basketball, and he now coaches basketball in the winter.

Like Nicholas, Prasoon Sinha coaches basketball.

The house basketball season consists of a few practices in December, and one to two games per week in January and February. Sinha, a sophomore, decided to coach his little brother’s house basketball team this year. “I thought coaching house basketball would be a great way for me to gain volunteering hours and leadership skills while doing something that I enjoy: basketball,” said Sinha. His coaching

required planning and organizing practices, teaching younger kids the basics of the sport, and making sure they had fun. “My brother really enjoyed having me around as a coach while he played, but at times he would start to think that he was the boss and criticize me. But overall, he had a lot of fun,” said Sinha.

Sinha used to play traveling basketball up until ninth grade when he suffered an injury that made it hard for him to play. Coaching was the best way for him to still help out and be involved in basketball. “It was a lot of fun and a great experience to work with and deal with young kids,” said Sinha.

Delainey Thorud, a sophomore, also found a different way to help out with her favorite sport.

She is one of the managers of the EHS Boys Swim and Dive team. This is her third year now, and she is over at Valley View Middle School many days a week helping out the coaches by timing the team members, measuring distance, and setting up seating.

She used to swim, but her friends stopped swimming competitively so she decided that she would swim on her own for fun and then she could still be involved through managing. “I started off managing the team because Mr. Johnson, the JV coach, was one of my favorite teachers and a few of my friends were on the team, but now I continue because I really like the sport and it’s nice to have something to do during the winter season. Also, all of the guys are really nice and fun and I get community service hours so both of those are a plus,” said Thorud.

Nicholas, Sinha, and Thorud aren’t the only EHS students who help out with their old sports. There are many others who help out through coaching and managing teams or counseling and teaching summer day camps. Either way, there are a lot of Edina students looking to give back to the sports they love.

Undercover Athletes

Chiara Kohlmayr stretches before a run

HUMOR

Make Your Skin Look Dope Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief

John Osler online copy editor

Edina students watching last night’s episode of “Undercover Boss” were amazed to find Edina High School Principal Dr. Spruce Lockleaf attending a Functions, Statistics, and Trigonometry class, with state-of-the-art makeup used to disguise him as sophomore Gerbert Durbin.

Hidden camera footage showed FST teacher Timothy McManus introducing Lockleaf, disguised under pounds of make up, to the class. “Class, we’ll be having a new student with us today. His name is Gerbert Durbin and he’s from, um, Portland.”

The footage went on to show students murmuring nervously as the middle-aged man, poorly disguised as a fourteen-year-old with light-up shoes, a red backpack, and a propeller beanie, made his way to the back of the classroom.

“I was amazed by what I saw while sitting in the back row of Mr. McManus’ fine lecture,” said a disgusted Locklear on CBS’s top-rated show. “There were students making rude comments about all sorts of things and penning very inappropriate images and messages on the desks. And why were they using their cellular telephones when signs in the classroom clearly stated that they weren’t allowed?”

Lockleaf’s segment, which was seen by an estimated seven million viewers across the country, contained a scene of him trying to blend in with students after class.

“Um, hello, friends,” said Lockleaf to sophomore Jessie Hannah, junior Erin Whalemur, and sophomore Jackson Voelker, all of whom were, by this point, very suspicious of the supposed Portland-born student with a heavy Southern accent. “Tell me, what do ya’ll think of this school’s legacy in how it will be seen by future generations at this great educational institution?”

“I dunno,” said a clearly devious Whalemur. “Legacy’s cool and all, but if I had a choice between making a lasting positive impact on this community or doing something fun like throwing rocks at geese and peeing in the water supply, I’d probably go with the animal abuse and water contamination.”

At this point, Lockleaf broke character and ran to his office, threw down his beanie in rage, and wrote a new speech about the importance of respect and good behavior.

Title page of Lockleaf’s featured episode

photo courtesy of CBS

Recently, the U.S. Department of Trends mentioned that the highest grossing product in the U.S. is marijuana infused lotion, Juana Cream®.

Juana® has seen a huge increase in sales, which has been attributed to national media attention on American beauty standards.

Two weeks ago, the company’s sales skyrocketed when Donald Trump made a sweeping statement that all ugly people with cracked, dry, and wrinkly skin should leave the country.

During the Bernie Sanders campaign’s press release, Sanders retaliated against Trump’s abrasive comments by revealing he was the only candidate progressive enough to start using marijuana-infused cream for his own skin. “That’s why I am still kicking and why I am able to continue fighting for the presidency after years of failure: my skin aged well with marijuana cream,” said Sanders.

The ingredients are natural for drastically slowing the skin’s aging and smoothing it out. Research has shown it helps with fat loss in the surface of the skin and it also leaves skin feeling “fly.” Many customers across the country have left raving reviews of their satisfaction with their marijuana

services: “The chemicals infused in massage lotions rubbed in with skilled hands, left all of my skin numb. I couldn’t feel any part of my face for days! It was incredible!” said one review on Yelp.

Although this product is still illegal in most states, in the last couple of weeks it has become so entwined with American culture that authorities are letting it slide. The promarijuana movements have been gaining steam with the release of the product, and national figures of both the Republican and Democrat parties have agreed that Bernie Sanders is the candidate with the best skin.

Most police forces now have bottles of Juana® Cream on their desks. Of course any other form of Marijuana consumption is completely unacceptable, but the face cream, well it works! And it’s much classier, said an undisclosed member of the Edina Police Marijuana Task Force.

The police have caught many people eating the cream, and Fairview Southdale Medical Center has made public announcements that Juana® Cream cannot get one high. Instead, the Marijuana is absorbed by the skin, so no one will have to go a day without it. Fairview has also warned the public about market knock-off versions, which could be dangerous, and could numb the skin permanently.

Undercover Doc

Quiz: What Part of EHS are You?

If you answered mostly A’s, you’re the Commons! You’re a complete extrovert who loves to talk and be with friends. Everyone seems to know you and love you. Your friends love being around you and you have a funky and upbeat personality.

If you answered mostly B’s, you’re the EPAC bathrooms! You aren’t known by everyone and don’t always like to open up to others, but on the inside you are nice and fun. You make others happy and you should be proud of it. Sometimes you like to close yourself off and be by yourself, but you also like to welcome others to come talk.

photos by Lillie Westbrook

6. What do you get at Starbucks? a. Frappuccino b. Mocha c. Straight up coffee d. Hot chocolate 7. What color is the dress? a. White and gold b. Black and blue c. What dress? d. I don’t care 8. Perkin’s Blue Drink or Red Drink? a. I don’t like Perkins b. Blue c. What’s a blue drink? d. Red 9. Where do you eat lunch? a. Cafeteria b. Commons c. DECAfe d. Hallway 10. Which TV Show is your favorite? a. “Grey’s Anatomy” b. “Friends” c. “Breaking Bad” d. “How I Met Your Mother”

1. Where would you most likely be found during collab time? a. The Commons b. The library c. With a teacher d. Roaming the halls 2. It’s 3rd hour and you suddenly have to poop, what do you do? a. Go to your favorite bathroom and then go quickly. b. Wait until lunch. c. Hold it in until you get home. d. Just go, who cares?

3. You’re registering for next year and you have an extra hour, what class do you take? a. Gym b. Study Hall c. A DECA class d. An easy A class 4. You’re a senior and you are going somewhere for lunch, where do you go? a. Chipotle b. McDonald’s c. Jimmy Johns d. Taco Bell 5. What is your spirit animal? a. Monkey b. Koala c. Tiger d. Snake

If you answered mostly C’s, you’re the Circle Hallway! You are one of the Audrey Sheehys of the world. You are always busy whether you’re working, at extracurriculars, doing school work, or with friends. A lot of times you can feel overwhelmed and stressed, but you still know how to let go and have fun. You’re the perfect mix between introvert and extrovert and you should be proud of it.

If you answered mostly D’s, you’re the Field House! You are more of an introvert. You may often find yourself alone or the odd man out, but really there’s a lot of people just like you out there just like you! You tend to learn better through activities and sports. You have a smaller, core group of friends that will always be there for you. quiz by Max North

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