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December 18, 2015| 36:4
TABLE OF CONTENTS
NEWS
Fe a t u r e s
p. 6
p. 4 Cu l t u r e
p. 1 4
Humor
p. 16
p. 1 2
p. 15
Opinion 2
Sports
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Pondering the Passion Project John Osler online copy editor They told me I could write about pretty much anything for Letter from the Editor, so I figured I might as well take on one of the most contentious issues facing Edina High School today: the passion project. And I’m a big fan of it, at least in theory. I think that there’s a certain achievement gap between middle school and high school and the best way to bridge that gap is with a large-scale project that shows what high school work really looks like. I think that ten pages isn’t an unreasonable length (although it’s been scaled back from that since my days as a sophomore). And I think that
Online
it’s a brilliant idea to make such a serious task look interesting, and even fun, by letting a student choose a topic they’re passionate about. So I’m not arguing that the English department should do away with the passion project. What I am saying, though, is that it should be reformatted so that it’s more about actual passion, and less about community service. As a writing coach, I’m intimately familiar with the format of the project. For those who don’t know, this batch of sophomores, much like the classes before it, had to first introduce a problem, then write a few paragraphs analyzing the problem, then introduce a solution (or multiple solutions) and finally tie it all up with a
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On The Cover Gage Aulik (Cover Art) Katie Manderfeld (Header)
Zephyrus Staff
Editorial Board Audrey Sheehy, print editor in chief Erik Lindquist, online editor in chief Madeline Marker, public relations editor Megan Hussey, human resources editor
Noah Chestler, print copy editor John Osler, online copy editor Farhia Osman, art editor Page Editors Hugh Cashman Nate Saunders
Christina Orth Isabel Thompson Anna Gratzer Megan Talghader Colette Bruder Nikki Lund Becca Edgington Molly Sparrow Lillie Westbrook
conclusion. This lends itself well to papers concerning easily researchable issues, such as animal abuse, eating disorders, global warming, LGBTQ discrimination, proper waste disposal, etc. And I’m sure a lot of students are passionate about these issues and had a fine time writing their papers on them. The problem is, many (in fact, I’d say most) passions don’t solve an easily explainable problem. I’m talking about creative pursuits like writing, acting, painting, video production, as well as more practical fields and interests like economics and engineering. Even less common pursuits like religious study or video game design are legitimate passions that arguably affect society for the better. Yet you’d be hard pressed to write the first few body paragraphs that describe the specific societal ill that any of these solve, so students invariably abandon their own passions in favor of something easier to research and write on. In my own year I saw many of my friends, bright people with varied interests, write on topics they were apathetic about simply because making a paper they enjoyed would be paradoxically much more difficult than the alternative. I saw the same cycle in sophomores I talked and worked with the two following years. I personally took the hard route, writing my paper on something I really was passionate about
Staff Writers Anne Amen Ben Gustafson Tanner Jones Greta Morton Will Schwinghammer Jenna Simon
Head Staff Writer Sophie Cannon
(satirical news), and I know first hand that it isn’t easy forcing an individual passion into the framework Pre-AP 10 sets out. A counter argument might be that if the project allowed for a wider range of interests then some sarcastic or lazy student might try making their topic something like watching TV. Well, first off, that’s better than my year, when several students announced plans to boycott the passion project when the time came to announce topics. But, honestly, why not let them write about TV? Make them write a cultural criticism about what separates good TV from bad TV and how the art form of television can be a good thing. It would come out a little forced, maybe, but less so than if the student had to write an essay about the problem television was ending (or, worse yet, had to write on a topic they didn’t care about at all). All this isn’t to say that the passion project as it is hasn’t had its successes. Reading through Zephyrus’ “Profiles on Passion” series from a few years, it’s clear to me that the passion project was a great and positive experience on many students who cared deeply about solving a clearly identifiable problem. I hope that, in the future, the English department moves towards allowing a wider spectrum of interests, in a new paper less focused on problems and more focused on improvements.
Photographers Nate Saunders, head photographer Uma Bhati, photographer Josie Al-Najim, photographer Artist Gage Aulik Advisor Sally Larkins
Zephyrus is a monthly publication produced by students of Edina High School; 6754 Valley View Road; Edina, MN 55439; (952) 848-3800 x3087. Zephyrus is an open forum for student expression that recognizes the First Amendment guarentee of freedom of the press, and abides by Tinker standard. Opinions published in Zephyrus do not necessarily reflect the views of the entire staff, advisor, administration, or entire student body. Submissions and letters are printed based on space available. Anonymous letters may be printed only if a Zephyrus advisor or editor knows the author’s identity. Letters should be mailed to the school or given to the advisor or a staff member. Zephyrus reserves the right to edit any letters for clarity and length.
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NEWS
Snapchat Filters Aren’t Free Sophie Cannon staff writer
Snapchat user can pay 99 cents to use the filter. Once purchased, the filter is yours to use whenever you want, but each new filter costs
photo courtesy of Snapchat
As of Friday, Nov. 13, puking rainbows and having heart eyes comes at the price of 99 cents. The popular application Snapchat is always coming up with tweaks that make the app more fun and exciting. From rapid speed and backwards video to a re-vamped profile video picture, every update comes as a fun new surprise. Friday the 13th however, did carry some bad luck for the average Snapchat user. The company’s new update came with more cute little selfie filters such as bunny ears, unicorn Same old logo, different application. horns, and emoji faces... another 99 cents. but at a price. The app still provides After this announcement, many about 6 or 7 of the filters for free people took to social media to and like before, they still rotate out protest and express their not so according to holiday, occasion, or friendly feelings. Media outlets such just randomly. The change is with as Twitter, Facebook, Buzzfeed, and the older “retired” filters. Snapchat even some local newspapers were has brought back the rainbow puke flooded with negative responses to face, angel halo, crying eyes, and the once free filters. many other older gems. Now, a
Highlands Introduces Revolutionary Recycling System
Snapchat was approached many times about why they made the change. Most sources conclude that the change was due to one of Snapchat’s investors, Fidelity, backing out 25% of their initial investment amount. Subsequently, Snapchat refused to take a 3 billion dollar sellout to Facebook. Since then, Snapchat has been thinking up ways to capitalize on their application, and filters turned out to be one of them. Most apps use ad space and pop-ups to fund their programs and make a profit, so some users are glad that Snapchat has made the filter sales the fundraising route and not annoying ads. But who knows what’s next for Snapchat? Pay-per-selfie? Front facing flash for a five dollar bill? With everyone always awaiting the next update, it’s all eyes on Snapchat, whether they have a heart filter over them or not.
Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief Highlands Elementary is known for their top-notch recycling policies. Over the past few years, Highlands has implemented a new recycling program making the school more eco-friendly than before. The new program is called TerraCycle, and was implemented by parents of students at Highlands. “We recycle all that we can and this was another way to recycle,” said Principal Peter Hodne. The program was started by Bruce Coles, a former IT at Highlands. TerraCycle is a program that focuses on recycling waste that was previously unrecyclable. The company collects the recyclable materials and converts them into resellable products such as park benches and upcycled backpacks. The company offers national programs with different categories of waste like snack bags, GoGo squeeZ wrappings, plastic food containers, electronics, energy bar wrappers, cigarettes, and shoes. Each product is part of a “brigade” program. Highlands Elementary is recycling all food products that it can in the lunchroom and the classroom, and it is currently one of the highest collectors of GoGo squeeZ wrappers in the GoGo squeeZ Brigade. “We currently collect three categories of waste: energy bar wrappers, fruit squeeze pouches, and drink pouches,” said parent volunteer Schele Smith. “It takes parents to run the program, but as long as we have a
Edina Welcomes Bar Business
Will Schwinghammer staff writer The laws regarding sales of liquor recently changed in Edina. Up until now, restaurants had to sell more food than alcoholic beverages in a 60/40 ratio, with at least 60% of their sales being food sales, according to the Star Tribune. According to the Sun Current, Minneapolis recently removed a similar restriction, and the City Council in Edina is following suit in order to keep restaurants competitive. A new ordinance by the City Council will remove that requirement, opening the doors to the possibility of taprooms and breweries in Edina. Three new licenses - a taproom license, a brewpub license, and a license for cocktail rooms - will be made available in Edina. Similar proposals were made to the Edina City Council in 2012, but the City Council decided not to act on the proposals. The new laws began drafting in January 2015 and continued in October. The ordinance will take effect in January of 2016. It hasn’t always been easy to buy an alcoholic beverage in Edina, and all of the liquor stores are municipally owned. After Prohibition ended in 1933, Edina’s liquor laws remained strict, and only six locations including the liquor store and both Interlachen and the Edina Country Club had been granted licenses to sell liquor in Edina. Until 1985, alcoholic beverages couldn’t be purchased in restaurants, according to Edina Magazine. Change is
slowly coming though, as laws are loosening. In May, new licenses were made available, permitting the sale of liquor at a discount, which allowed restaurants to offer happy-hour specials. These new licenses will make it easier for area restaurants to serve beverages containing alcohol, and will promote business by removing restrictions on what restaurants can and cannot do. Edina has kept its liquor laws tight in order to preserve the charm and integrity of the city. The current changes are part of a gradual shift to less restrictive liquor laws that allow more free commerce while also preventing bar scenes from breaking out. Restaurant owners are generally in favor of these looser restrictions and the approach being taken by the city. “We don’t want our restaurant operators to be in the position where they are constantly worrying about whether they are in compliance with the 60/40 ration and we want to give them every chance to flourish,” said Edina Mayor James Hovland. It’s likely existing restaurants will now focus on their alcohol sales, and new establishments such as bars, brewpubs, and taprooms will open in Edina. These changes have been a long time coming, and will hopefully contribute to the restaurant industry’s success without detracting from Edina’s integrity and character as a town. “Eliminating the 60/40 food to liquor ratio should help our existing operators thinking about Edina that we are a community that will give them a chance to be successful,” said Hovland.
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photo by Farhia Osman
New Liquor Laws Approved
Highlands has a long tradition of enviornmental consciousness volunteer, it works and is a good thing [for our school],” said Hodne. In regards to how the program is run, “Kids, teachers and parents bring their Terra waste to collection points around the school. Parent volunteers collect the waste each week, then box and ship it every few months to Terracycle,” said Smith. For each item recycled, the school earns TerraCycle points which can be exchanged for $0.01 per point. “Each time we ship waste, Terracycle contributes money to Highlands. Over the years we have earned hundreds of dollars for Highlands,” said Smith. This fundraising program is similar to the General Mills Box Tops for Education collection program, but the main difference is that it is instilling good values and earth-friendly habits in students. According to Hodne, students are very supportive of the program. “Students participate and have even offered ideas for the design of our collection station. We have used their ideas.” “Students like the idea of recycling and doing what’s right for our planet,” said Smith. “Schools need to apply to collect specific “brigades.” Once your school or organization is accepted into a brigade, Terracycle will pay the shipping costs to send in waste and pay your organization. It’s a great program!” For more info, check out terracycle.com.
photo by Josie Al-Najim The sparkling tree on 55th and France Colette Bruder opinion editor 50th and France’s annual Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony is about more than just stringing lights on a tree. It is a chance to witness Edina come together as a community and support local business, embrace the holiday spirit, and of course, meet Santa Claus. Stores open at 10 a.m. if customers want to shop for holiday presents prior to the Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony on November 28th. Many stores located on 50th and France offer discounts and promotions for customers in honor of the ceremony. The real fun of the Lighting Ceremony, however, begins at 3 p.m. This is when you can listen to carolers, take selfies with jolly old St. Nicholas, and sip on either complementary hot apple cider or coffee courtesy of Caribou Coffee. At 3 p.m. the Edina High School chamber choir strolls down the streets singing holiday classics in front of stores. They always give an outstanding performance. “As far as I am aware, it has been a tradition for the Edina Chamber Choir to sing at the Christmas tree lighting,” said senior caroler Gabe Brosius. “We caroled at this event because it is a tradition to sing at the tree lighting and the people attending love hearing the festive music to get into the Christmas spirit,” said Junior caroler Elise Shroeder. At 4:45 p.m, the countdown begins, informing passers that the Christmas tree is about to be lit. The lighting ceremony usually draws many Edina residents. “It makes me so happy to do what I love (sing) with an amazing group of people who share the same joy of singing. I am very excited for the rest of the season and to explore music in a new way,” said Shroeder. “My favorite part was when someone requested a song we had previously done. It was such a good feeling to know that someone enjoyed what we did so much that they wanted to hear it again,” said Brosius. At 5 p.m, the event is televised on local news stations, so most attendees are featured in the background. Following the tree lighting, Edina mayor Jim Hovland delivers a short speech. Once the Christmas Tree is lit with beautiful lights and ornaments, the crowd immediately disperses eager to get back into the warmth of their cars or a nearby store. “I loved getting into the Christmas spirit by singing for the community and experiencing the joy of sharing holiday cheer,” said Shroeder.
Anne Amen staff writer Even during the busiest shopping season, the parking lot at Southdale Mall retains a few deserted corners. This season, one of these areas has been put to good use as a family skating rink ringed by lit Christmas trees and bordered by France Avenue. This rink was the first outdoor skating rink to open this year, starting November 14 thanks to a refrigeration system that keeps the ice solid even when outside temperatures inch towards 50 degrees. The rink is free and open to the public, and the only thing skaters need to bring are their own ice skates. The mall has also furnished a warming house located in the AMC rotunda. While this may initially seem like a long trek across the parking lot, food and beverages provided by mall stores including Caribou, Macy’s, Qdoba, and Dave & Buster’s on weekends and select weekdays will make the walk worth it. With many changes around the Southdale area designed to draw in shoppers, the first season of the mall’s outdoor rink is another attraction that will hopefully help re-create the image of Southdale as the “downtown” area of Edina, with recreation, jobs, and housing all in the same community. Other projects working towards this goal include the newly built apartments at One Southdale Place, an urban, upscale building boasting many amenities including a pool, fitness center, club room, and private theater. France Avenue itself also has become more pedestrian-friendly through alterations to intersections, the addition of a sidewalk, and wider medians with crosswalk buttons to make crossing easier for pedestrians who cannot cross the entirety of the street within the space of one light. The addition of the Edina Promenade, three quarters of a mile of pedestrian and bike trails lined with sculptures provided by the Edina Public Art Committee, is another step towards transforming Southdale’s community
to be welcoming to employees, residents, and visitors alike. All these developments are a testament to the longstanding history of Southdale Mall in Edina. Southdale was the first indoor mall in the entire nation, and at the time presented a cutting-edge innovation in consumer experience. Since then, indoor malls have become a common sight in shopping, and now Southdale must fight to remain in front of
photo by Josie Al-Najim
A 50th and France Tradition
Southdale Holiday Skating Rink
This year’s family outdoor rink at Southdale the ever-changing race for development and modernization. The debut of the skating rink, open earlier than any other rink in Edina and close to the Edina Promenade and the Galleria, shows that the Southdale area is still a strong draw to families, workers, and visitors to Edina. Despite competition from other retail hotspots, the alterations of the Southdale area and additions of new, family-focused features such as the Holiday Skating Rink help keep Southdale’s legacy of innovation and cultural relevance moving forward.
Ta r g e t ’s O C D S w e a t e r Offends Customers Nikki Lund culture editor ‘Tis the season for offending customers, fa la la la la la la la! Target has recently offended a lot of their shoppers by making a joke about something that is not funny: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This November, the retailer released a red and green Christmas sweater bearing the words, OCD Obsessive Christmas Disorder, right in time for the holiday season. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is defined as a psychiatric disorder characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions, such as cleaning, checking, counting, or hoarding. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, approximately 2.2 million American adults suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. After seeing this sweater at their local stores, many people who have OCD took to social media to express their thoughts on this controversial clothing item. Many posted that Target was “making the disease a fashion statement” or that the store was “mocking the disease.” Others, however, have reacted quite differently. Some people that have OCD tweeted that they were not offended. One person tweeted that “As someone with OCD, Target’s #OCD sweater doesn’t offend me the least bit.” Also, on Target.com, the four reviews for the sweater are all positive. Despite the controversy surrounding the issue, Target spokeswoman, Jessica Carlson, said that the sweater, which sells for $22.40 in regular size and $24 in plus size, would remain on shelves for the time being. “We never want to disappoint our guests and we apologize for any discomfort,” she said. “We currently do not have plans to remove this sweater.” It is currently still on the website for sale. This isn’t the only controversy that Target has faced in the
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past year. In July, Target was ridiculed for selling a t-shirt with the word “TROPHY” embroidered on it. The shirt inspired a Change.org petition which demanded that the store stop selling the shirt. “The truth is that millions of women and young girls are taken as ‘trophies’ every year in war, sex trafficking, slavery, and rape,” the petition stated. “Labeling any person as a ‘Trophy’ is demeaning their humanity and objectifying them as a tangible object that can be bought, used, and disposed of.” Target responded to the petition with the statement: “It is never our intention to offend anyone, these shirts are intended as a fun wink and we have received an overwhelmingly positive response from our guests.” They are currently still selling this shirt online, as well.
photo courtesy of Target
Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony
NEWS
Sweater available on Target.com
FEATURES
No Christmas? No Problem. During the snowy season, there are many winter holidays that are widely celebrated around America. Though these holidays are very popular around this time, Zephyrus also wanted to highlight those who don’t celebrate holidays due to their faiths or other personal beliefs. It is for this reason Zephyrus sat down to chat with junior Joanne Attikossie, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, to get more information on her religion and the reasons behind not celebrating holidays.
Teachers Gone Wild: Holiday Edition
The Inside Scoop on What Te a c h e r s D o W i t h T w o W e e k s O f f ! so that way you can plan for how to avoid an awkward semi-hug/handshake. Ms. Froehlich, the regular and AP US Literature teacher, has already figured out The most dreaded thing for any her plan for a week of freedom. Besides student is seeing a teacher outside of spending time with her relatives that are school. That awkward moment where coming to town, she plans on seeing the you don’t know whether to say hi or run Wizard of Oz with her son. The Wizard away is something most of us experience. of Oz is playing at the Children’s Theatre Some find it hard to believe that teachers Company and from Nov. 3 to Jan. 10. actually don’t live at school; trust me, I She also plans on seeing her friends, was very surprised. They have families The Blenders, perform at the Pantages and extracurricular activities, and Theatre. The Blenders are an a capella surprisingly, they don’t solely exist for group that originate from Fargo. Heads up your educational purposes. Good thing, I for an Star Wars fans! Ms. Froehlich is a found out what they’re doing over break, big fan and plans on seeing the new movie over break with former Edina High School teacher Mr. Cheng. For all you Frenchies out there, take a deep breath and relax. Mr. Schwartz is going home to Indiana over break. He is excited to see his friends and family and relax for the holidays. Beware though, he comes back for Shannon Seaver looks forward to her two weeks off New Year’s Eve so you of school
photo by Nate Saunders
Isabel Thompson in-depth editor
EHS Students Share Their Opinions and Concerns About the U p c o m i n g Fi l m ! John Osler copy editor
photo by Uma Bhati
Zephyrus: How did you come to follow this faith? Joanne Attikossie: The main way that people become a Jehovah’s Witnesses is that people are preached to. I’m African, [from] Togo [in] West Africa. It was there that my mom’s neighbors were Jehovah’s Witnesses, and they preached to her often. So then, as I grew up, I kind of got studies and stuff like that and I learned more about it. Zephyrus: What are some qualities that makes your faith distinctly different from others? J.A.: We preach, most people go door to door, but my congregation is in French, so we can’t exactly go door to door. [Most] people know about Jehovah’s Witnesses and think [we all] go preach to people. We [also] don’t celebrate holidays that a lot of Christian religions
do. Jehovah’s Witnesses are Christians, that. but we don’t celebrate holidays like a lot Zephyrus: What would you want of those other [denominations] do. someone outside of your faith to know? Zephyrus: What are the general J.A.: I think that they should definitely beliefs of a Jehovah’s Witness when it know that we’re very welcoming of comes to celebrating holidays? people. If you’re really wondering about J.A.: We look for the origins of Jehovah’s Witnesses, you should go holidays. Today, for example, Christmas to them, or go to one of their meetings is [based on] family and gifts and things because people are very welcoming in like that, but we look for how it started. congregations, and it’s just a very friendly So, as a pagan celebration of the sun environment. gods and things like that, [we consider] Zephyrus: How does your faith affect how God really felt about them when your daily life? [the holidays] were started. Even though J.A.: I just think about personal study [Christian holidays] have evolved into and things like that, but then I go to the something else, we kind of look at them meeting. We call it the meeting instead of and how they began and how [God would church, and I go on Fridays and Sundays. want us] to follow it. Friday and Saturday and Sunday I go out Zephyrus: What do you think is in service and preach to people, but most a major misconception when people of the week, for myself, it’s more of a hear that followers of your faith don’t personal study kind of thing. So, getting celebrate holidays? ready for the weekend, and prayers, and J.A.: I feel like maybe people think things like that. we don’t like to have fun or like to get together with family, but we really do. It’s just that we like to partake in activities that we feel God approves of, so then we can get together. We have parties; we have fun; we just don’t celebrate holidays. Zephyrus: Have you ever been discriminated against ? J.A.: I don’t really think The church is located right across the street from EHS so. I’ve never really felt like
have 4 days to bump into him! Ms. Halker is going to Madison to celebrate the holidays with her folks. Despite it being break she will be burdened with presentations for DECA students. Make sure to thank her! She is spending her free time on you! Her break from presentations is going out to eat and shopping for presents. She also plans on seeing “The Big Short,” a movie from Michael Lewis’s novel. Some of you reading this might relate to Ms. Seaver this break. Any Skyrim fans? Ms. Seaver loves it and plans on spending her break playing it. Her son will be returning home from college over break and plenty of her time will be spent catching up with him. The rest of her free time will be devoted to sleeping, eating, and reading, something that a lot of high schoolers will most likely be doing as well. Break is not only deserving for students but for teachers as well. After all of the hard work they put in, they deserve some time off to catch up on sleep and surround themselves with people who are not a class of Edina’s teenagers.
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While no one expected the return of one of the (if not the single) most celebrated franchises of all time, it is nevertheless surprising how much hype “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has whipped up. The YouTube video of the trailer is currently at 64 million views, box office analysts have predicted it will be the largest grossing movie in human history, and the world has been frenzied into fervent discussion over the essential question: “will it be good?” Edina, being part of the world, has not been spared from the storm of excitement for “The Force Awakens,” which hits theaters tonight. Senior Jake Robinson had nothing but bright predictions for the latest installment in the space opera. “I’m really hoping it’ll be good,” said Robinson. “I’m gonna love it no matter what, I know that. I’m going to love it purely because it’s another installation to a classic series and my childhood favorite.” Senior Chris Holmes was also optimistic, saying, “I’ve always been a Star Wars fan so I’m definitely excited to see this episode.” Sophomore Brian Moffatt, a lifelong fan, wasn’t quite so sure about the upcoming film’s potential. “The trailers have given hope and promise before, only to let us down,” said Moffatt. While he said he was looking forward to a return to practical effects promised by promotional materials, he expressed fear that the cinematography would look too modern. “In the trailers, the shots were shot more like modern films rather than the classics. These sorts of shots are made for appeal to the audience and to look sophisticated, not to give the movies integrity. A serious shot is one that is careful to depict what is important, but not forced,” said Moffat. “No pun intended.” Moffatt originally planned to see the film tonight, but changed his mind after hearing rumors that terrorists might target theaters on opening night. “I’m not a safety nut, but I’d rather not have my movie interrupted by gunshots from crazy people or terrorists,” said Moffatt. “I think the premier absolutely could possibly be a target for violence/terrorist activity… However, I don’t think it is likely, especially in a city like Edina with a very good police force,” said senior Peter Karos, who is planning on seeing the premiere, about the threat of terrorist attack. “I’m not too worried,” said senior Cole Harris, who plans to attend the premiere dressed up as Luke Skywalker. “If anything happens I have my lightsaber to protect me!”
photo courtesy of Google Images
Greta Morton staff writer
Star Wars Safety
Star Wars fans anxiously wait for December 18th- the release date of the Force Awakens.
IN-DEPTH
Seasons Greetings! Noah Chestler
Happy Holidays and a Merry News Year! 7
FEATURES
‘Tis the Season for Jobs
Megan Hussey human resources editor
as well. “I had a five hour shift on Black Friday and there were so many people that we had a waiting list for our dressing rooms.” Just across the way, senior Alyssa Burch makes her living at Dry Goods, a clothing store. She was just recently hired to lend an extra hand with the growing customers. Just like Belbas and Walkup, she has a very flexible schedule, usually only working three days a week. She says the best thing about her job is getting that discount next time her closet looks a little bare. However, just like Francesca’s, Dry Goods has an influx of customers coming in for a little holiday shopping. “Around the holidays there’s a few more customers and one thing is there’s more older customers who are shopping for relatives (grandchildren, nieces, etc),” said Burch. Senior Rihab Alemam has been working at the Old Navy in Mall of America for a year and a half. She worked on Black Friday, and certainly shared in the holiday craziness. “We saw thousands of people over Black Friday weekend, and every Saturday closer to the holidays gets crazier and busier.” Not far from the MOA or Southdale, junior Lisa Abascal Larson works at Highland Hills Ski Area as a ski instructor. She started the job last winter, and usually works on Sundays. “The best thing about teaching skiing for me is when the kids finally get what you’re telling them and make a change that really helps their skiing.” Although it’s not a common mall job, she still notices that quite a few more people have been coming in recently. “There are definitely more people at the ski area during the holidays, and a lot more one-time lessons.” Next time you’re at the mall or find yourself out for skiing/snowboarding, make sure to pop in and say hello to any of these five lovely ladies.
Madeline Marker public relations editor Thanks to the eLearning² initiative, devices are accessible to students at Edina High School. Many EHS students have personalized their computers with different stickers, which carry significance and give an outsider a sneak peek into the owner’s interests and passions. “I have a Vineyard Vines sticker, a Lokai bracelet sticker, a Sencha sticker, a sticker for the ‘respect is the new R word’ campaign and a sticker from church camp that says ‘Encounter’,” said senior Catherine MacLennan, who sports a wide variety of stickers on her computer case. Senior Wystan Duhn also enjoys peppering his computer case with stickers. “I have five stickers. A Lake Trails sticker from Field Based Science, an enormous hammock sticker because it came with my hammock, a Great Lakes sticker colored as the American Flag, a Northern Continental sticker to help support Matt Whear’s brother’s clothing business, and an ultimate frisbee sticker S enior Wystan D uhn’s stickers because I like throwing discs.” The reasoning behind this fad varies from person to person. It usually is to support a cause, sport new looks, or sometimes, just because. “I have stickers on my computer to spice up my purple case. I think it looks more cool with other things on the solid color,” said MacLennan. Duhn made sure he used stickers that were meaningful in some way. “I have them on my computer to liven things up. They are things I like to do and support.” Both Duhn and MacLennan started their sticker collections their junior year. If you too are interested in displaying stickers on your computer, there a multitude of places to begin your collection. “I got my stickers from a variety of different places, one of them from church, two from clothing places, one from a bubble tea bar that my friends enjoy spending time at, and one at a volunteer event and a campaign I’m very passionate about,” said MacLennan. Look to activities as inspiration for your sticker collection. “I usually get stickers through activities or other people,” said Duhn. Both MacLennan and Duhn agree that the computer stickers hold significance and signify things that are important to them.
photo by Nate Saunders
Around the holidays, everything seems to get bigger. Stores get more crowded, and it becomes nearly impossible to walk straight through some malls. However, nobody ever seems to think about what it might be like for the workers. Many Edina High School students get hired in the winter for seasonal jobs, or just work more often than normal at their year-round places of employment. From the mall all the way to Highlands Ski Area, these EHS students sure know how to keep busy. Seniors Megan Walkup and Keaton Belbas have recently been hired at Southdale Mall to work at Francesca’s, a boutique filled with everything from high-end clothing to knick-knacks. Both Walkup and Belbas have been working there for about two-and-a-half months. Both are able to be more flexible with their schedules by only working two to three days a week. “The best thing about my job is probably being able to meet and talk with new people every day and getting discounts,” said Walkup. Belbas agrees, noting how much fun it is to help new customers everyday. “The best thing about my job is either engaging with the customers when it’s super busy or hanging out with my coworkers when it’s slow. It’s so rewarding to help a girl pick out an outfit that she loves for a big event or even just everyday wear, and when there’s nobody in the store, sometimes my coworkers and I try on some of the clothes. It’s really fun.” With all that said, however, Francesca’s is certainly not exempt from holiday crowds. “I definitely notice more customers around the holidays,” said Walkup. “Everyone is looking for Christmas gifts or clothes to wear to holiday parties.” Belbas has seen an increase in customers
Stuck on Stickers
Sitting Down with Southdale Santa Claus Greta Morton staff writer
photo courtesy of Uma Bhati
On Nov. 27, Zephyrus spotted Santa Claus at Southdale mall. Zephyrus was lucky enough to catch him while he was away from the North Pole visiting the Twin Cities. After a few cookies and a glass of milk, Mr. Claus happily agreed to an interview filled with laughter and many “ho, ho, ho”s! Zephyrus: Why are you currently visiting Edina? Santa Claus: I needed to do some checking in to make sure the kids in Edina are still on the Nice List. Zephyrus: Why do you live at the North Pole? S.C.: Well, it’s easier to make toys up there since it’s isolated. And that way, the elves don’t get too distracted. Zephyrus: Do you have any children? S.C.: Of course! All the kids around the world are my children! I consider everyone part of my family. Zephyrus: Do you have any hobbies besides delivering gifts? S.C.: I love to play games— especially reindeer games with Rudolph and the others! Zephyrus: Who named the reindeer? Santa Claus at Eden Prairie Mall
S.C.: Myself, Mrs. Claus and the elves all helped pick names for our reindeer when they were born. Zephyrus: How many elves are there? S.C.: I can’t give you an exact number, but I have hired thousands of elves from all around the world! They have several different jobs. Some help make presents and wrap gifts in the workshop, others take care of the reindeer, and some help make candies and cookies in the Christmas kitchen. I could go on and on about their many different jobs! Zephyrus: Which elf is your favorite? S.C.: I could never choose! Though, Buddy the Elf does seem to hold a special place in my heart. Zephyrus: What languages do you speak? S.C.: All of them! When you’ve lived as long as I have, you find the time to learn many new things. Zephyrus: How does your sleigh work if there is no snow? S.C.: My sleigh doesn’t always need snow to work. Rudolph can guide it onto the grass just as well as he can on a snowy rooftop! Zephyrus: How do you deliver presents if a house doesn’t have a chimney? S.C.: I have a magic key, you see, that can unlock any door to a house with no chimney. Then I tiptoe in and place the presents underneath the tree. I’m always sure to lock it back up once I leave! Zephyrus: How do reindeer fly? S.C.: Most reindeer can’t fly, actually, but mine are special. They have magic. Spreading joy and Christmas cheer around the world helps, too! Zephyrus: Why do you wear a red suit? S.C.: Red is one of my favorite colors! The suit also helps keep me warm at night when I’m delivering presents and keep me clean when sliding down the chimney.
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Zephyrus: Why doesn’t Mrs. Claus come with you on Christmas Eve? S.C.: Mrs. Claus always has a party with the elves on Christmas Eve to celebrate the completion of another year’s worth of presents. It gives the elves time to relax before starting up again on next year’s gifts! Zephyrus: What do you like to do over the summer? S.C.: Mrs. Claus and I take a one week vacation with the elves during August. But for the most part, we continue making gifts and checking up on the children to see who should be on the Naughty List and who should be on the Nice List. Zephyrus: What is your favorite holiday song? S.C.: Rudolph and I love the song “Jingle Bells.” It reminds us of the ringing bells on my sleigh! If you listen closely on Christmas Eve, you just might hear them when I stop by. Zephyrus: What is your favorite holiday movie? S.C.: I love all Christmas movies, but some of my favorites are, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Elf,” “Frosty the Snowman,” “The Polar Express,” and “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.” Zephyrus: Do you have any new technology in your sleigh? S.C.: The elves tested out a new GPS in the sleigh, but the reindeer and I know our way so well, we won’t be needing it. Zephyrus: Are most of the kids in Edina on the Naughty List, or Nice List? S.C.: Why, the Nice List, of course! But remember, Christmas Eve is still coming soon, so keep being good, for goodness’ sake! Zephyrus: What do you want for Christmas? S.C.: I want all the children in the world to continue being good boys and girls, and to listen to their parents!
OPINION
Walking Through a Politically Correct Wonderland Jenna Simon staff writer The crisp winter chill is here, the new year is approaching, and the anticipation for the fresh, fluffy white snow is high. There is no time quite as exciting as the time around the holidays. The school buzzes with talk of possible snow days, winter break travels, and yes, Christmas plans. As a Jewish teen who does not celebrate Christmas and never has, I can say that I sincerely enjoy the holiday season. I love my neighbors’ Christmas lights, the decorations in stores as they offer sales, and gift exchanges. I do not relate to the religious aspect of Christmas and the significance it has for many of my peers, however the lights are still dazzling, and taking part in gift exchanges is often touching and thoughtful. Beyond religion, there is a lot to be said for generic holiday cheer. Although it sounds stereotypical and cheesy, I have found that when people have Christmas on their minds, they are better versions of themselves. Don’t get me wrong, of course the holidays can be stressful and people do crack every once in awhile, but in general, people are in the mindset of wanting to give to others with good spirits. Strangers are more likely to smile at each other on the sidewalk, and families and friends usually make it a point to spend more time together over break. Most people just want to spread their happiness to others. I am more than
Tanner Jones staff writer Political correctness over the holidays is imperative to the advancement of our society. Despite cries of unconcern, the reality is that many people indeed are offended by Christian normativity during the holiday season. For some, the words “Merry Christmas” are synonymous with joy and good tidings and are a necessary staple of winter months. However, for others, the phrase motivates only frustration and alienation. The turbulent and often violent history of Christianity and art by Audrey Sheehy
happy to enjoy the sentiment, and often that sentiment includes being wished a couple of Merry Christmases along the way. What does being wished a Merry Christmas even mean these days? It seems that for most people who use the phrase, it has close to no religious implications. If you are walking in a mall and a stranger smiles and wishes you a Merry Christmas, they are not trying to say “You should celebrate Christmas and you must participate in my religion, Christianity.” Rather, the person most likely just had the holidays on their mind, and decided they wanted to have a pleasant interaction with a stranger to spread their cheer. In the moment, wishing that stranger a Merry Christmas probably seemed like the most appropriate way to do so. If anyone is ever wished a Merry or Happy or Joyous wrong holiday, they should recognize that the wishes were only sent with the best intentions. Everyone should be able to spread whatever cheer and joy they feel themselves around this time of year to everyone else. So if I see the majority of my grade wearing ugly Christmas sweaters the Friday before break, I’m not going to freak out. I would never wear an ugly Hanukkah sweater (although they do exist) because I find them uncomfortably warm and, well, ugly. I wouldn’t wear an ugly Christmas sweater for the same reasons, but if other people choose to get excited for the holidays by doing so, good for them. If teachers decide to decorate their rooms a little
bit differently before winter break, they are most likely just trying to acknowledge that the time before winter break is special and fun for them, and they want it to be fun for their students too. I’m not going to get mad over that. At this point you may be thinking to yourself, “Then why is there so often an uproar over this?” The problem lies in denying that the cheer, decorations, and marketing are Christmassy. To claim that trees, reindeer, and Santa are not Christmassy just because they are not religious is inaccurate. Do not
its interactions with other cultures is something that cannot be forgotten. Plagued by war, hate, and mistrust for centuries, nonChristians are for the first time beginning to experience (often limited) equality and toleration in what were previously predominantly Christian communities. Hence, it is clear to the final piece in the fight for equality is linked to attitudes during the holidays. For non-Christians, encountering the onslaught of Christmas propaganda during the winter can foster feelings of alienation. Although the celebration of Christmas is an annual routine for many Americans, the broad and often accidental assumption that all Americans celebrate Christmas is both off putting and offensive. This generally unintended misdeed is
inherently tied to ignorance. Many Americans simply aren’t aware of the diverse cultures and traditions that thrive, even in their own communities. Edina sophomore Zach Streit encountered cultural ignorance in school when he was growing up in Nebraska. “As a kid I had to stand in front of the class and explain Chanukah every year,” Streit said. Overcoming ignorance and consequential offensiveness involves conscious changes in behavior. Historically great sociopolitical strides have resulted from great changes in perception, this was true of both the civil rights and women’s suffrage movements. Societal progression can only occur if toleration is first pursued. Questioning Christian standardization, and altering seemingly minor practices can have profound effects on many people. Additionally, defiant preservation of outdated traditions can only serve to create unnecessary hostilities and alienate those with different beliefs. Due to great advances in technology, globalization and integration are inevitable in the modern world. In order for society to survive, privileged white Christians (like myself) must make sacrifices. It is common knowledge that social, political, and religious minorities have had to make great sacrifices
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decorate your house with a tree, poinsettias, and red and green ornaments and then say you are inviting me to a “winter” party. These items are in no way offensive, but they are inarguably Christmassy. There is no denying the fact that Dec. 25 is Christmas. For people who don’t celebrate the holiday, this has no religious implications. However just because not everyone celebrates or observes the holiday religiously does not mean we can’t all spread some cheer and be merry this winter season. to achieve their standing today. For us in the majority to make the small sacrifices would not only protect society from erosion, but would be fair and righteous. For our society to advance, the status quo must always be called into question. Progression in the realm of human rights has historically only been accomplished through revolution and sacrifice. The benefits of ceasing Christian normativity during the holidays simply outweigh the consequences of not. Refusing to end a practice that has the potential to be detrimental to others is selfish. Moreover, making a conscious decision to not make a change that can positively affect others is foolish. Further, hoping to conserve outdated traditions perpetuates cultural ignorance. Though it may seem inconsequential, the refusal to integrate other cultures into today’s holiday practices is reflective of a much greater problem: ignorance, intolerance and Christian uniformity continue to plague our society. We need to make progressive changes, however small, to bring about extensive benefits. Let’s start this holiday season at Edina High School with an attentive understanding of the things we say and do. In turn, we can accomplish social justice.
OPINION
EPAC Bathrooms:
Opened or Closed? Erik Lindquist online editor in chief
Megan Hussey human resources editor
photo courtesy of Twitter
Edina Public Schools: defining excellence in everything from academics to athletics. There is no doubt that our athletics are outstanding and, in some sports, even the best in state. With our outstanding sports teams comes an awesome student section to cheer on the Hornets. However, for boys sports, that student section also includes a group of senior girls known as super fans. Super fans are there to support the boys’ teams, doing everything from baking cookies to making giant posters to hold at games. They come to every single game in the season to cheer. It seems harmless and fun, right? Wrong. Because when you take a closer look, it’s not hard for anyone to see the lack of these super fans at the girls sporting events. True, this year I have seen more people coming out and supporting girls’ athletics, but who are the majority of people supporting the girls? Other girls. It’s sad that boys get such a huge support system when it comes to their athletics, but when given the opportunity they completely blow off the girls’ teams. Isn’t this the 21st century? Aren’t we above trying to uphold gender roles? Not when it comes to Hornet athletics, apparently. The girls’ athletics at Edina High School are fantastic. I mean, Girls’ Tennis just won their 19th State Championship in a row. Girls’ Cross Country just won state and is on their way to nationals. Those sound like teams that deserve all the support they can get. I’m not saying that the boys’ teams aren’t also fantastic, but the majority of the girls’ teams at Edina are just as good, if not better than some boys’ teams. In a perfect world, the boys would create super fan teams for the girls. They would give back to the people who dedicate so much time supporting them. I acknowledge, however, that
realistically that won’t happen. Edina is all about tradition, and traditionally only the super fans have been senior girls. I think it’s important that as a school, everyone supports everyone in everything they do. Whether it’s been traditionally done or not, we need strong student sections at each and every sporting event, whether it be for a girls’ team or a boys’ team. And it doesn’t have to stop there. This year, for the first time, the Thespians have a super fan club. I do really see things changing when it comes to supporting every activity, but I still think we have a long way to go. In the end, super fans are a fun and great way to show support for boys’ athletics at Edina. However, it’d be nice to see that support being shown both ways, whether that mean that boys making super fan teams of their own, or just showing support more often by showing up to girls’ games with posters. It’s not that they never do it, it’s that they don’t do it nearly as often as the girls do for them. In a society that’s struggling to be more equal everyday, I don’t see why this one simple change can’t happen.
Super fans cheering on the Edina football team
Mass Media Manipulation
France is not the only one suffering Farhia Osman art editor In light of the Parisian terrorist attack on Nov. 14, 2015, something became painfully clear: western media focus is very selective. The selective nature of what western media outlets cover suggests that media is very imperialist, even though terrorism is something that affects all humans. To start off, I am in no way condoning the killing of over 120 Parisians. Rather, I sincerely sympathize with France, as the did the entire world once the news broke out. However, there are many human beings that face attacks such as these on a regular basis, but do not get the same widespread support nor attention. In 2015 alone, there have been 298 terrorist incidents around the world. Many of these incidents led to the deaths of at least 30 people. Yet, the often the loss of innocent lives goes unnoticed, and it is the fault of western media. The media extensively reports about some incidents, while others are completely forgotten. For example, a bombing in Northern
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Nigeria on Sept 20 killed 145 people and injured about 100. Hundreds gathered to celebrate the Muslim holiday Eid alAdha were soon massacred at the hands of Boko Haram. However, this travesty flew over the head of the general public. #PrayforNigeria hashtags did not trend, nor did the Nigerian flag fly around the world. art courtesy of Twitter
I don’t know if you’ve been fortunate enough to set foot in the bathrooms by the Edina Performing Arts Center, but if you haven’t, you’re missing out. The refreshingly well-kept, spacious bathroom has upwards of six stalls, six separate mirrors with a sink each, and bountiful paper towels, making it the perfect place to go to the bathroom or just take a much needed break from class. But maybe not. Maybe you’re not missing out. Maybe you’re actually lucky, but lucky in the same sick way as a person who hasn’t started The Office on Netflix yet is lucky: one episode (or one bathroom usage in this instance) gets you hooked. Just two weeks ago, the bathrooms were open for three straight days before they were sadistically locked again. It’s almost as if an Edina High School administrator devised a plan to have the bathrooms open long enough for me to have hope that they’d be open for good. This is my third year attending EHS, and I have noticed a pattern: every time there is an event at the school where there are non-student attendees, the beautiful EPAC bathrooms open. These events include choir, band, and orchestra concerts, shows put on by the theater (including Middle School plays), Confucian Day last year, and most recently, Veteran’s Day. One could speculate that they’re opened solely to maintain the school’s impeccable reputation. We have all heard the arguments that the bathrooms were once opened for all to enjoy at all times, but due to various vandalizations that occurred, they were closed from the public, similar to the closing of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory due to its competitors’ corporate spies. Anyway, I’m still skeptical about whether these alleged vandalizations occurred, and if they did, I first want to figuratively punch each and every one of the participants in the face for their wrongdoings. Secondly, the vandals have definitely graduated by now, so they won’t be around to do it again. I don’t think having the bathrooms monitored would be all that bad considering the rewards involved. I mean, having security cameras watching me pee is a small price to pay for such a palatial environment to be urinating in the first place. What’s more is the actual location of the EPAC bathrooms. They’re the only ones anywhere near that part of the school! It’s definitely counterintuitive to have people on that part of the school waste an extra five minutes of class time to venture to the nearest bathroom when there’s a perfectly fine one (to say the least) right there. This is a waste of resources! As of late, the bathrooms have been open again. I’m unsure as to whether they’re open for good or if it’s because there was just a Valley View Middle School play taking place, but I won’t have my hopes up, that’s for sure. If they do close again, I think it’s time for us to take action. When I was at Normandale Elementary School, we had Pizza Hut pizza every Friday. One day, it was substituted for a healthier, cheaper kind of pizza without any warning. This spurred a cafeteria-wide chanting of “Pizza Hut” for a full five minutes, resulting in the school trying a different pizza every Friday so the students can decide what they like best. Maybe the best solution is chanting “EPAC Bathrooms!” at lunch, maybe not. Either way, something must be done. As of press time, the bathrooms have been opened. Perhaps the powers that be caught wind that another “Pizza Hut” chant situation was coming down the pike. Let’s keep them clean, people, and maybe the blessing will remain upon us always.
Sexism and Super Fans
Another example, occurring just a day before the Paris attacks, was the suicide bombings of Beirut, Lebanon. Terrorists detonated two bombs in the city, causing the 43 people to be killed and 240 injured. However, I do not remember the extensive reporting on Beirut because it was completely overshadowed by the Paris attacks the next day. There weren’t biographies for the 43 dead citizens. And I’ve only seen two people with Lebanon flag overlays on Facebook compared to
the thousands with the French flag. So why is Paris so heavily supported, but not the many other countries around the world? The trend is that most of these forgotten incidents occurred in nonWestern countries, especially in areas of Africa or the Middle East. The media harbors imperialist tendencies due to the fact that a lot of these countries affected were former colonies or members of the “third world.” Another possible reason is that most of these countries have heavy populations of Muslims. In fact, both of my examples were attacks targeting Muslims since the Nigeria one occurred on an Islamic holiday and the Beirut bombings originally targeted Shia Muslims. Contrary to belief, Muslims are the biggest victims of terrorism, but attacks in Pakistan, Iraq, Afghanistan, and other countries with large Muslim populations go largely unnoticed. 18,668 people were killed in Muslim majority areas just last year alone. Terrorism is not something that affects only western nations, but the entire world. Every single person that is affected by such extremists deserves support, not only the select few. Western media is to blame for this inconsistency of reporting.
CULTURE
Guthrie Theater: A Christmas Carol A Twin Cities Holiday Tradition the ever famous, “bah humbug.” On the night of Christmas Eve, he is visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas Future. Throughout the night these ghosts show him memories, harsh realities the grim future he shall have if he The Guthrie Theater, located in the heart of the artist and warehouse district in Minneapolis, is one of the most prestigious doesn’t change his ways. Scrooge is played by J.C. Cutler. He has been in 47 different theaters in the midwest. It has hosted countless productions over productions during his professional career. He has also done the years and houses three different stages. some work in film. He has been apart of 20+ shows at The The Wurtele Thrust Stage is said to be the perfect venue for Guthrie and has played Ebenezer Scrooge every year since classical literature written to be performed specifically “in the 2011. round.” The stage is built for 365 degree seating, so the stage Young Ebenezer is played by Zach Keenan Kacey. He was can be seen from all angles. The McGuire Proscenium Stage accepted into the University of Minnesota/Guthrie Theater Actor is smaller looks like a traditional stage most would be familiar Training Program, one of the most with: the audience’s vantage point prestigious programs in the country. is straight on. The final stage is the He played the same role in last years Dowling Studio. It is a black box production of “A Christmas Carol.” theater, so the seats can be moved The Ghost of Christmas Past around and the stage can be seen is played by Tracey Maloney. from different angles depending on She has played the role since the show. Additionally as the name 2011 along with Jane in 2013 and suggests, the entire room is painted Mrs. Polkinghorne in 2011 and black. One person shows are usually 2012. She has worked at many performed here and it is the smallest theaters all over the country, and of the theaters. she has been apart of 10+ Guthrie The Guthrie has welcomed many productions including “Pride and amazing shows and extremely talented Prejudice”, “Othello” and “Death of casts and crews to its stages. These a Salesman.” shows come and go every year as new The Ghost of Christmas Present ones are introduced by season. One is played by Joel Liestman. He’s play however, never seems to lose its been apart of several shows at the place in this city’s heart: “A Christmas View of the Guthrie from the Gold Medal Park Guthrie, some of the most notable Carol” by Charles Dickens, which has being “To Kill a Mockingbird,” “The Music Man,” and “My been performed every year at The Guthrie since 1974. Adapted Fair Lady.” by Crispin Whittell and directed by Joe Chvala, the show is The last visit is from The Ghost of Christmas Future always a hit and stands as “a Twin Cities holiday tradition.” The played by David Levitz. He also trained at the Minnesota/ show is performed on the Wurtele Thrust Stage. The circular Guthrie Theater Actor Training Program, and workshopped at shaped stage is ideal for this show, so the audience always feels Theater Latte Da. He plays Ali Baba and Donald in this year’s close to the actors. The stage is also perfect for this particular production. show because the audience is seeing you from all angles, so Even though some roles in the show fluctuate from year to actors can have more freedom to stand face to face during year, the majority of the cast stays pretty consistent. Go enjoy conversations without worrying about having to cheat out to the this wonderful classic while it runs until December 27 on the audience making scenes more realistic and less awkward. Wurtele Thrust Stage. The story follows a man by the name of Ebenezer Scrooge. He begins as a cruel man and greets the Christmas season with Rebecca Edgington culture editor
photo by Becca Edgington
JOY TO THE WORLD: Unique Holiday Traditions Megan Talghater staff writer According to America it’s totally normal that an old fat guy can descend a chimney and pop back up, only to fly off in a sled hauled by nine reindeer. He puts presents under our trees and in return we leave chocolate chip cookies for him to eat. However, it’s not just our country that has an unusual tradition like this. Many other countries have customs that are just as weird. For example, in Guatemala people burn their trash to ward off bad spirits. In Italy, a witch flies around delivering candy at night, and in the Netherlands people wake up to find presents in their shoes. There are hundreds of holiday traditions that most people are unaware of. One of these unusual traditions is called the burning of the devil. On Dec. 27th, the people of Guatemala start to clean their homes, and collect the trash they pick up. Using the trash as substitute for wood, families build bonfires outside of their homes. By burning the trash each family cleanses their home of evil spirits, demons, and negative energy to ensure safety and happiness for upcoming festivals. Although this holiday seems very innocent, environmental groups view it as more harm than good. In the past, people burned paper but now, the piles of rubbish are mostly made of plastic and rubber which causes some serious environmental issues. Regardless, the people of Guatemala still continue to celebrate the tradition as it carries
Best of 2015 Lillie Westbrook humor editor Best Albums 10. Sometimes I Sit and Think, Sometimes I Just Sit Courtney Barnett Deconstructed, funny, and dang sassy, Australia’s Courtney Barnett relates to everyone with song titles like “Pedestrian at Best” and “Nobody Really Cares if You Don’t Go to the Party.” 9. Ones and Sixes - Low Ah, our favorite Mormons. Seriously, a collaboration with Duluth’s most emotional band and Bon Iver, sad boy of Wisconsin? Sign me up. 8. In Color - Jamie xx After breaking off from his teen band the xx, Jamie xx came out with one of the most individual and beautiful albums of the year. “Loud Places” ft. Romy was his breakout song, using white noise as a background beat. 7. Depression Cherry - Beach House Yeah, it’s a dumb name for an album. But listen to the songs. It’s those dream pop vibes, 6. To Pimp a Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar Everybody knows the song “i”, which was released in late 2014. But the whole album flows, and it became the soundtrack of my summer. 5. Sound & Color - Alabama Shakes Rockin’ guitar, rollin’ drums, and Brittany Howard’s killer voice brings this album to the top five of this year. 4. Bashful Creatures - Hippo Campus Every Minnesotan girl who has at least a toe in the door of the alternative/indie rock scene has a crush on these boys. Soaring vocals, speedy beats, not as funky as Prince but Minnesota still loves them. 3. Every Open Eye - CHVRCHES Sophomore slump? Nah. More like sophomore JUMP to excellence. 2. I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty Cutesy lyrics about marriage, self-consciousness, and the declining state of our nation. What’s not to love? Kindred - Passion Pit So fun! So fresh! So 80s! Passion Pit’s latest album is full of reinvigorated synth and unusually emotional, nostalgic lyrics. It takes the first place prize of 2015 for the way it makes you miss childhood and the overall style of the production.
Best Movies 10. Star Wars, Duh. 9. Spectre Yet another fantastic installment of Ian Fleming’s spy story. much historical and cultural significance. It’s just so exciting! Another strange holiday called Epiphany and is located 8. Jurassic World in Italy. Instead of asking Santa Claus for presents on You’ve heard of Jurassic Park, the dopey, mediocre first Christmas Eve, children await an ugly old witch who flies on edition of a world where ~dinosaurs are real~. Why wouldn’t we her broomstick and delivers presents. On Jan. 5th, the eve of need a fourth movie and second generation? Epiphany, parents leave out a plate of food as an offering to 7. Avengers: Age of Ultron Befana to express how much they appreciate of her gifts. The Did you ever notice that Ultron bares a strange resemblance plate often consists of broccoli, spiced sausage, and occasionally a glass of wine. Befana enters each house by chimney, stopping to Edina’s sweetheart, Dan Baron? 6. Inside Out to fill stockings and deliver presents for well behaved children. Once more, this time with Feelings! [forced laughter] St. Nicholas Day is a holiday much like Epiphany 5. The Martian and consists of a different Santa Claus. This Santa of the How many times has Matt Damon had a mission mishap Netherlands, Sinterklaas, was actually what derived the name in space? Seriously Hollywood, stop letting this guy mess up Santa Claus. Although, instead of elves supplying the toys, space, costing you lots of money and lives. Sinterklaas has ‘Zwarte Pieten,’ also known as Black Peters. 4. Hunger Games: Mockingjay Every year on the night of Dec. 5, Sinterklaas and his Black It deserves to be up there for all the pain it caused. Peters travel on a steam boat emerging from a different hideout 3. Mad Max every year. Before going to sleep, children will leave their shoes Dude, girl power to the MAX [more forced laughter]. outside bedroom doors so Sinterklaas can deliver candy treats 2. Dope or small presents. When asked what children usually receive For serious, not only is this movie shot with extremely cool on St. Nicholas Day Paul Ready, a junior at Edina High School replied, “Chocolate and hard candies, maybe a gift card or small style, it tells such an important, poignant, and sometimes funny amount of money. Also it is tradition to have an orange as well. coming of age tale. 1. Straight Outta Compton In comparison to other holidays, it is similar to what is in a Most of us don’t remember NWA, whose full name can’t be christmas stocking.” printed in this paper. But hey, Ice Cube and Dr. Dre, right?
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Lighting Up the Holiday Season People Who go Crazy With Their Christmas Lights
they can expect to see both old favorites and new additions. Johnson said, “The Santa and reindeer on the roof are the oldest. I can’t remember a year where those haven’t been by the chimney.” Additionally onlookers are often pleased by how the As the weather begins to get colder, holiday spirit too is display grows and changes year after year. “Almost every year we escalating. For many, this means get new inflatable display pieces getting together with family, enjoying for the yard because the old good meals, and exchanging gifts. ones don’t always last through But for others, holiday spirit takes a the spring and summer,” said more abstract form. Johnson. Across Edina houses light up Of all the lights, inflatables, with bright colors and figures during and signs, Johnson has a few the winter months. For senior Kelly clear favorites. “My favorite is Johnson and her family, setting up this big inflatable snowman we lights has manifested itself into an have on the side of our house, or extensive and fulfilling tradition. this big ‘Merry Christmas’ sign For many, setting up lights takes on the roof that my dad and I a day, two at most. When asked how made.” long it takes to assemble her display Some of Johnson’s favorite Johnson responded, “well I’d say a memories have occurred while few weeks, though we only work on setting up holiday decorations. the weekends.” The Johnsons’ large Christmas light display “My favorite memories are just Setting up an enormous light the memories of my brother and I being able to go on our roof display has become a long standing tradition for the Johnson and help out,” said Johnson. Even after she moves out, Johnson family. When asked how long her family has been putting up the hopes to continue the tradition. Johnson said, “I don’t think I’d lights, she responded, “Since I was born. But they did it before I personally have as many as we do here, but I’ll have more than was born as well. I’d say at least 20 years.” For her, a big part of most people. And if my dad is still doing it when I’m old, I will this tradition is the numerous viewers that her house draws. “All the limos, buses, and cars that stop to look. We always get excited for sure help him.” when people stop,” Johnson said. This December, be sure to take time to admire the Johnson’s This year when Edinans park in front of the Johnson residency display on Interlochen Boulevard. photo courtesy of Kelly Johnson
Tanner Jones staff writer
BEYOND THE BUBBLE: Daytrip in Stillwater Anna Gratzer features editor
conditions. Therefore, nine in the morning is a great time to leave because most stores open at 10 a.m. After arriving, park along Main Street or in the free parking lot on Commercial and Main Street.
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How to Waste Time Over Break
Best Shows and Movies to Binge Watch on Netflix Molly Sparrow sports editor 384 hours of freedom and 100,000 hours of content on Netflix. How does one decide which episodes and movies to watch over winter break? According to Edina High School students, the answer to that question is easy: it all depends on your mood. This mood-based approach is made easy by the convenient genre separation that Netflix provides their viewers with. From chick-flicks to horror movies, they have you covered. A tip for anyone who doesn’t have Netflix out there: steal a friend’s password. If you feel like laughing, check out the comedy section where mockumentaries, stand-up comedy, rom coms, and satires will keep you entertained for hours. “A lot of people tell me I’m funny, but I get all my jokes from New Girl and Friends. TV comedies are the best because they keep you laughing and are short enough to watch at least ten everyday, if you’re really dedicated you might be able to finish all eight seasons of Friends during break,” said sophomore Jane Howe. I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl, if you are in a crying mood, The Notebook won’t disappoint. Additionally, Netflix has a whole genre dedicated to heart-wrenching classics. “Titanic made me cry for hours. When Jack died a part of me died with him. Everyone should watch emotional movies because they really pull at your heart-strings and get you in a sentimental mood for the holidays,” said junior Quinn Smith. When you are on the 200th hour of winter break and you begining to miss school, check out the documentary section where you can learn about anything from World War ll to the Backstreet Boys, or maybe even play some brain games while learning about optical illusions. “I wouldn’t say I watch documentaries because I miss school…I just think they’re interesting! Plus your parents can’t get mad at you for watching Netflix all day,” said sophomore Nathan Clifford. Imagine this: snow is falling, you can smell the gingerbread cookies baking in the oven, holiday lights are illuminating your cozy room, and you can practically hear Santa’s sleigh bells ringing, what better to do than watch a festive movie? “Holiday episodes and movies get me in the holiday spirit. What’s Christmas without A Christmas Carol and Power Rangers: Megaforce: The Robo Knight Before Christmas?,” said senior Ava Kruse. Lastly, if you feel like wetting the bed and screaming until your throat bleeds, check out Netflix’s horror section. “You should watch a horror movie over break because they bind everyone together when it’s cold outside. Personally, Netflix doesn’t even have that scary of movies compared to what I’m used to, but the Saw series are good because they stimulate every nerve in my body,” said junior Skye Schroeder. photo courtesy of IMDb
Stillwater is a stunning, idyllic, small city, roughly half the size of Edina, located right on the St. Croix River, approximately 45 photo courtesy of Discover Stillwater minutes northeast of Edina. Although Stillwater is known for its beautiful fall colors, it is worth a day trip at any season of the year. Especially as we get into a rhythm of schoolwork and after school activities, a day trip is a wonderful Stillwater’s beautiful landscape and scenery in the winter way to take a break from school and try 10:00 a.m.: Start off the morning something new. Below, I have written an walking along Main Street. There are itinerary for a winter day trip: many one-of-a-kind shops that sell a 8:00 a.m.: Wake up and get ready. (Tip: variety of different items as well as several Make sure to bring money for shopping, coffee shops. Stop into Mara Mi, Kathe lunch, afternoon activities, and gas. Also, Wohlfahrt, and Gammy Gumpy’s for dress warmly as Stillwater tends to be holiday gifts. several degrees colder than the Twin 12:00 p.m.: Stop into Leo’s Grill and Cities.) Malt Shop for lunch. Although the staff 9:00 a.m.: Time to leave. The drive is not extremely friendly, the restaurant is to Stillwater usually is around 45 decorated similar to Snuffy’s Malt Shop minutes depending on traffic and weather
in Edina and feels like a trip back in time to the 1950’s. Also, there are a plethora of options that are vegertarian and gluten free. 1:00 p.m.: Check out one of the three nearby ski hills or cross country trails for the afternoon. I would especially recommend Brown’s Creek Nature Preserve Ski Trail. Not a skier? Try timing your visit in order to attend the Twinkle Parade, a free victorian wagonette ride on the river, or walk past a row of houses with bright and festive Christmas lights. 4:30 p.m.: Warm up and rejuvenate at the Tin Bins Cafe over a delicious cup of hot apple cider, hot chocolate, or coffee. It’s a well hidden, trendy cafe with a friendly atmosphere that shouldn’t be too far from where the car is parked. It serves delicious salads, sandwiches, and soups as well. 5:00 p.m.: Drive home safely. Hopefully you will have made many unforgettable memories!
CULTURE
Binge watch Friends if you haven’t already
SPORTS
Pond Hockey Season Christina Orth staff writer
art by Sophie Cannon
For many, pond hockey is the start of a lifelong love of hockey. Edina’s numerous rinks have fostered a culture built to nurture this enduring tradition for countless proud Hornets. Many hockey champions have started off with humble beginnings. These outdoor ice rinks that learn the sport and build a meaningful culture around the sport and have provided countless young people with the opportunity to hone their skills. There are few things more quintessentially Minnesotan than throwing on some skates, heading the park, and playing a game of hockey. A game of hockey indoors greatly varies from a game outdoors. Indoors, rules are enforced by coaches and officials. You follow specific screens and systems. Outdoor pond hockey is just about the opposite. Rules are enforced by the players; for example, one rule is no lifting the puck. The game contributes to a sense of community, sportsmanship and independence. Teams are chosen at random. Instead of predetermined plays in a game, creativity flows on outdoor rinks as smoothly as the skates glide over the frozen ice. It’s the mentality players bring to the ice that changes the game. Upon some research, the popularity of pond hockey stems from two aspects that the sport has to offer. These rinks are just for fun, and the sport is just for fun, with
no stakes and no pressure. In a game with no legitimate winners or losers, no one has to walk away bitter. These rinks are a place for players to hone their skills and make mistakes. Trial and error is what makes a better player. What’s the worst that could happen if you try a new trick when there isn’t an important game at stake? The state of hockey touts many local outdoor rinks which offer the opportunity for fresh air, enjoyment of the beautiful Minnesota winter and getting together with friends. When hockey rinks can be free flowing with creativity and good times, players can develop a good sense for the ice. A destination that accommodates all ages and families, pond hockey is an important aspect of the city’s and state’s winter culture. The first time a parent brings his sons and daughters to their neighborhood ice rink has long been a Minnesota rite of passage and tradition. A January weekend wouldn’t be complete without a trip to your neighborhood ice rink!
No Snow, No Season? Will Schwinghammer news editor It’s finally December, and winter sports are in full swing. Hockey players are on the ice at indoor rinks, wrestlers are practicing on the mats, and basketball players are heating up the court. But what do our ski teams do if it doesn’t snow? To find out, Zephyrus interviewed Nordic ski captain, junior Max Kuhs, and Alpine ski captain, senior Ema Martinez, about their dryland seasons. Nordic skiing is an endurance sport, relying heavily on the ability of the skiers to maintain their pace and technique throughout the entire race, which makes cardio training important in the preseason. “We do a lot of running for dryland, and also some strength. We also do hill bounding, so we take our poles and run up like we’re skiing,” said Kuhs. Nordic technique can also be practiced when there isn’t snow on the ground. “We also have roller skis. They’re like skis, but they’re shorter and have wheels. You get kind of the feeling of skiing without snow, but not quite,” said Kuhs. But when it gets cold enough, the real magic happens. “We make our own snow, once it gets cold enough,” said Kuhs. The Edina Nordic dryland season lasts from the beginning of November to whenever enough snow falls, or whenever it gets cold enough to make some artificially. This can be anywhere from two weeks to a month, or longer if it’s a warm year. This year, over Thanksgiving break, many of the Nordic skiers went to West Yellowstone in
Montana for some early-season skiing. There were also three dryland practices held for skiers staying home over break. Alpine ski races, on the other hand, are over in mere seconds sometimes, but being strong and having good stamina are still very important. The Edina Alpine team practices at Hyland Ski and Snowboard Area, but until they open for the year, the team works on dryland. The dryland season lasted about a month this year, with two weeks of captain’s practice and two weeks of full team dryland practice, ending right before fall break. “For dryland practices, we start with a short warm-up, like a lap or two around the turf field. Then we would do some stretching and some name-game and bonding activities,” said Martinez. “Our main thing was core. We spent a lot of time doing core and strengthening workouts. We didn’t do a ton of running workouts. We only did two this year,” said Martinez. The Alpine team also added some fun activities to their workouts. “We did some competitions as well, like wall-sits or planks. We played soccer a couple times,” said Martinez. But it wasn’t all fun and games. “We did stair workouts, running up stairs both inside and out. We also did ACL strengthening activities which were good for your knees and ACL,” said Martinez. The Alpine team was able to get out on the snow starting the first week after fall break. There is one thing the rivalrous sports do have in common: they both want to see a lot of snow.
Snowboarding vs. Skiing: The Eternal Struggle photo courtesy of Walter Albitz
Ben Gustafson staff writer
In spite of the basic constraints of snowboarding, skiers may have a tough time navigating terrain parks and tow ropes whereas snowboarders find the freestyle setting innately easier. “I actually skied before I started snowboarding. I thought it was kind of easy, but I didn’t [ride] terrain or anything. It was fun going around but once I got into doing [the] terrain park, snowboarding was more fun because it’s easier to do tricks,” said Albitz. Although both skiers and snowboarders have found success in the freestyle realm, keeping all the equipment under control can make it even more difficult for skiers in the terrain park. “You have a lot of equipment [in skiing]. You have to carry your poles and two skis which can be a lot,” said Brunker. Despite the differences, both skiers and snowboarders would agree that, “words cannot describe the childlike joy I have when I’m mid shred on a gnarly run at my home resort of H-town,” said Gruidl. photo courtesy of Daniel Brunker
Walter Albitz catches air
Winter is upon us and, for most Edina High School students, this means more time spent inside. But two winter sports in particular, skiing and snowboarding, give students the opportunity to embrace the cold rather than escaping it. The thrills of hurling down icy slopes while manipulating the forces of momentum with wood attached to their feet makes the winter season equally enjoyable for both skiers and snowboarders. The object of both sports is to challenge one’s balance and coordination on physically demanding hills. “I love to [ride] terrain and just mess around. I like the turning style of leaning. Being out there is always a good time,” said junior snowboarder Walter Albitz. However, some claim snowboarding does have a few restrictions that make skiing feel more natural. For example, balancing on two skis can feel more stable than strapping both of your feet to one board. “The freedom of having both feet independent allows you to have more balance and create larger angles while skiing which is pretty fun,” said junior skier Daniel Brunker. When a snowboarder is first starting out, they may have trouble shifting all their weight onto either their toe or heel edge which can leave them falling on either their wrists or tail bones often. “When learning to snowboard, you spend a lot time on your butt, it wasn’t an enjoyable experience at all,” said senior skier Brooke Gruidl about her attempt at snowboarding.
Despite this, according to a study from a Vermont ski resort, skiers and snowboarders get injured roughly equally. Snowboarders are just more likely to injure a wrist or shoulder while skiers are more likely to injure their knees. Although there is one injury that snowboarding can prevent, “when snowboarding, it’s a lot harder to get hit in between your legs,” said Albitz. Also, having a plank for each foot naturally makes skiing a little easier to pick up than snowboarding. “The way I see it, skiing is pretty easy to learn but hard to master while snowboarding is the opposite. Once a snowboarder gets over the learning curve it’s very easy for them,” said Gruidl. Furthermore, the need for snowboarders to unstrap and restrap causes some more inconvenience for snowboarders. “[Skiing] is way easier to move on flat ground because you have poles and also have the ability to skate. For snowboarding, you basically have to walk,” said Brunker.
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Daniel Brunker tearing up the slopes
HUMOR
Michelle Obama Introduces “Thin Santa” Ben Gustafson staff writer
THE KEY TO LIFE DISCOVERED RIGHT HERE AT EDINA HIGH SCHOOL Noah Chestler print copy editor
Edina Students Boycott 2016 Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief After all that has happened this year, including (but not limited to) crucial events like the release of country western singer Darius Rucker’s top selling album Southern Style, the drastic changes in the Starbucks’ holiday cups, the long awaited disappearance of Speaker John Boehner’s leatherface from Obama’s right shoulder, and the change in modern award show fashion with Amy Poehler’s appearance in a hoodie and sunglasses at the Emmy’s, many Edina High School students have come together because they don’t want to leave 2015. With Jan. 1, 2016 only weeks away, students have organized a “Boycott 2016” rally. Barricades have been built inside EHS at two crucial locations: Door 7 and EPAC. Each morning, students discreetly walk in holding paper bags filled with canned foods, essential medications, and sanitary products while students with free periods during the day sort, label, and stock each item. “We made sure to include shelving on the insides of the barricades so we could store all of the supplies we need to continue living in 2015,” said senior elected president of supplies. “If we aren’t prepared we won’t survive, and we have vowed not to let 2016 win.” The rallyists have made sure that masked guards
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in black morph suits watch the barricades at all hours of the day to scare future-looking administrators away from interfering with their protest. “If they don’t want to continue their Edina legacy in the future, at least they’ll be reliving it over and over again in the past, which might be better actually. I just don’t want to go near those barricades, for obvious reasons,” said an anonymous administrator. It is rumored that the band of guards is led by Archiball Barasall, who was spotted peeping over the barricade. The rally has led to high tensions in the hallways among students who are staying in 2015 and those who will be choosing to move on to 2016. The boycotters stormed the lunchroom last week and their sophomore leader stood on a table and read the group’s long drafted List of Praises of 2015. Students knocked the sophomore unconscious with a spitball shot that hit him square in the forehead. The rallyists later released a statement claiming they couldn’t wait for the rest of the student body to disappear with 2016. “I just don’t understand. Why would you ever want to leave such a great year like 2015? I want to relive my second semester of junior year and first semester of senior year over and over again, and most importantly, I never want to leave high school. Boycotting 2016 is allowing me to achieve my dreams and reach my full potential. I urge you all, join the cause, or continue with your monotonously boring futures,” said their supreme leader. art by Megan Talghader
Last week, the Edina High School chapter of the National Aeronautics and Space Association Club made an astounding discovery that could explain life on Earth. “It all started when I was doing a lab in Mr. Weiland’s class. I looked out the window down the big hill and saw what looked like a dark, moving substance that seemed to glimmer in the sunlight,” said student NASA member Ben Elliott. “I just had to know what it was,” he continued. Sparking the interest of all the students at EHS NASA, they sought the help of the Robotics Team to get a rover down there and get some data. “We were really excited to be a part of this quest to find the source of life on Earth. We were prepared to build a high-functioning rover to make the venture a success,” said Robotics member Alan Lu. Once the rover was designed and constructed, it was go-time. “The countdown sequence for the launch of the rover was probably my favorite part of the whole thing,” said EHS NASA Club simpleton Will Staunton. “We hit zero, and out the front door the little rover went. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a tear or two in my eye.” On the journey down the hill, the rover took dead aim for the long, sprawling, dark substance. Watching on video, the club members were giddy with anticipation. Some club members claim there were thirteen instances of self-soiling in one meeting, an EHS NASA single-day record. Upon the rover’s return, student researchers extracted the samples taken and began their analysis. Countless hours were spent in the lab trying to determine the chemical makeup of this liquid beast. EHS NASA Club Leader and Spokesperson Catherine Lee spoke at a press conference announcing the discovery. “Since the beginning of life on Earth, the question has been persistent. What has made it all possible? Today, we at NASA-EHS have the answer. A compound that consists of a central Oxygen atom with two lone electron pairs and two Hydrogen atoms bonded to it in bent configuration is the source of life here on Earth. We are incredibly pleased to share ‘Water’ with the world. Thank you all,” said Lee. She concluded the press conference saying, “There are bottles of Dasani and Ice Mountain in the back for those of you who are thirsty.” It is just so refreshing to be able to say “Case closed,” on an existential question of this magnitude. No longer is Earth’s viability for sustaining life a pressing question facing our country and our world. Now we all have the liberty to use the principles of economics as a basis to lay waste to this waterfilled planet that has in fact been sustaining human life for at least 85 years, according to research done by EHS NASA.
art by Meredith Song
On Dec. 20, 2015, Michelle Obama sat on her leopard print rug pondering the meaning of Christmas while Barack massaged her calves, spoon feeding her a warm green bean smoothie. “Hey Barracoli,” said Michelle, “Why do people ignore my great, healthy ideas every time there’s some stupid holiday? I mean Christmas is lame compared to the Worldwide Day of Play. I just don’t get it! When I was a kid, my parents let me run a mile downhill instead of uphill on Christmas morning, and that was the best Christmas present I could’ve ever asked for. What do you think about this?” “No one else in the world has your swank regalia, your probing pshyche, or your foxy attitude. I will support your opinion no matter what,” mumbled the commander-in-chief. “Speak up! My God, with your speaking skills, it’s truly a miracle you became president!” Michelle responded. The disheartened president went to vent his troubles to his buddy Joe Biden. As had become a routine in the White House, the Notorious J.R.B. (Joe Robinette Biden) and the Preezy of the United Steezy (as they like to call themselves) unleashed their frustrations curled up next to each other forking rocky road ice cream rebelliously into each others mouths (Michelle recently banned it from White House premises.) While blasting some John Lennon, they blew their noses with voluminous piles of Republican bills. “Why must all men disappoint this great nation?” Michelle uttered under her breath as she walked the halls of the White House searching for ideas that would make this holiday season submit to her. As Michelle strutted into the Oval Office with White House staff bowing as she passed, she
noticed that something was wrong. Her senses were becoming agitated just as they had the day before when her waitress dropped a parcel of bacon into her spinach. Even though the woman had “committed treason by attempting to poison the diet of the [unspoken] leader of the free world,” her majesty, Michelle, being a merciful First Lady allowed the woman a life sentence instead of an execution. Anyway, back to the problem at hand. Instead of shrines dedicated to her, the walls in the Oval Office were filled with pictures of an abominable man dressed in a grotesque robe. “This man, Santa Claus, is obliterating the healthy values of America! How can Americans be so naive as to think this Santa Claus is all that great?!” Michelle then strode into the press room with something to say. “Could I have everyone’s attention please? I have an announcement to make! No longer will any of you ask this Santa Claus for your Christmas presents. Each household will send a wishlist of Christmas presents directly to me, so that I can make sure each one is promoting healthy lifestyles. Also, from here on out, leaving your chimney open or leaving cookies out for Mr. Claus on Christmas Eve will be a federal offense. He can afford to lose that beer belly. That is all.” The next day, a ravaging horde of Mall Santas now out of work stormed over the White House fence in protest. Michelle ordered them to be locked away in prison for identity theft. As Michelle watched the Mall Santas being thrown into the backs of heavily armored SWAT cars like the vegetable tray at a Super Bowl party, Michelle, with her feet in the snow, ice cold like her heart, stood puzzling, “how could it be so?” Then Michelle thought of something she hadn’t before. “What if Christmas,” she thought, “doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?” Then she stopped herself. “This is ‘Murica, not Whoville!”