Issue 2 october 2015

www.edinazephyrus.com

October 30, 2015| 36:2

TABLE OF CONTENTS

NEWS Features

p. 6

p. 4 C U LT U R E

p. 15

OPINION

Humor

p. p. 12

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Noah Chestler copy editor

Keep Talking

In my English class a few weeks ago, we were discussing storytelling and how it is a disappearing art form.

Storytelling has tremendous value in cultures all around the world, and has been a foundational medium of communication for time immemorial.

Stories allow for the experiences and lessons one person has known to be disseminated in detail and with emotional accuracy to others.

With the advancement of technology, from the printing press, to radio, to the internet and social media, the emphasis on word of mouth has diminished significantly.

People now get their information and entertainment not from people but from machines.

While many would be content to blame technology alone for the slow death of verbal storytelling, I think other variables are at play.

In today’s world, people have become deeply absorbed in themselves rather than their surroundings. Everyone is constantly rushing from one commitment to the next, with their mind concentrated on what’s next rather than what is presently happening. As a result, nobody really has time to divert their attention to someone else’s equally hectic world.

I don’t think the problem with the decline of storytelling is that people don’t have stories to tell or don’t have the means to tell a story vividly;

Online www.edinazephyrus.com Twitter and Instagram: @edinazephyrus YouTube: edinazephyrus Facebook: Zephyrus

On The Cover Gage Aulik (Cover Art) Katie Manderfeld (Header) Megan Talghader (Title)

Zephyrus Staff

Editorial Board Audrey Sheehy, print editor in chief Erik Lindquist, online editor in chief Madeline Marker, public relations editor Megan Hussey, human recources editor

Noah Chestler, print copy editor John Osler, online copy editor Farhia Osman, art editor Page Editors Hugh Cashman Nate Saunders

Christina Orth Isabel Thompson Anna Gratzer Megan Talghader Colette Bruder Nikki Lund Becca Edgington Molly Sparrow Lillie Westbrook

rather, I think the fault has come to lie with the listener.

It has become so difficult for people to suspend their own thoughts long enough for them to listen to someone else’s story. I will admit that many times a week I will find myself completely engrossed in my own thoughts while absent-mindedly nodding to someone I am supposed to be listening to.

This issue is widespread, and we must actively combat it if we are to get the most out of life. Storytellers are all around us, and to live as a person is to share experience and be connected to the people around us.

In addition, active listening fosters the development of a storyteller, allowing them to describe settings and feelings without the fear of wasting their breath in a time-sensitive world.

Another reason storytelling has seen recent decline is due to the necessity for a story to be applicable to many people for it to be considered a good story. TED Talks are a prime example of this. TED pays people to go on stage and tell inspiring stories of success, hard work, and ingenuity. TED Talks never consist of someone sharing a story void of inspiration and genius. This emphasis on needing to have some extraordinary element to a story for it to be worth sharing is ridiculous and not an accurate reflection of what life is. Stories can be powerful even without an obvious moral or purpose.

It is stories of ordinary day-to-day experiences that offer glimpses of the true nature of things, not the tales of Staff Writers Anne Amen Ben Gustafson Tanner Jones Greta Morton Will Schwinghammer Jenna Simon

the life-changing and fantastic. The overarching stories of success found in TED Talks would be so much more powerful if all the little stories on the road to success were told as well. The challenges and tribulations on a dayto-day basis are just as compelling stories as the final story of triumph.

Regarding the last point, in a broader sense as well, stories aren’t limited to failure either. I find the most thought-provoking stories are no more than a simple observation from an ordinary experience. I would provide an example, but without telling a story in its entirety, I would just be listing information, which is exactly how not to tell stories. I suppose you will just have to take my word for this one. So, in summation, if we are to revive storytelling and regain a richness in our global culture that has significantly faded in the last century or so, we must strive to become good listeners and we must not feel as though any story is unworthy of being told.

My challenge to you readers who have been able to suspend your thoughts long enough to read this far is this: every day tell five stories to friends, family, teachers, whoever it may be, and then encourage them to share a story in response. Even if they don’t fully listen to your story, they may notice you listening to theirs and may try to emulate you in the future.

In this way, stories and word of mouth can flourish again.

Head Staff Writer Sophie Cannon

Photographers Nate Saunders, head photographer Zoe Cheung, photographer Artist Gage Aulik Advisor Sally Larkins

Zephyrus is a monthly publication produced by students of Edina High School; 6754 Valley View Road; Edina, MN 55439; (952) 848-3800 x3087. Zephyrus is an open forum for student expression that recognizes the First Amendment guarentee of freedom of the press, and abides by Tinker standard. Opinions published in Zephyrus do not necessarily reflect the views of the entire staff, advisor, administration, or entire student body. Submissions and letters are printed based on space available. Anonymous letters may be printed only if a Zephyrus advisor or editor knows the author’s identity. Letters should be mailed to the school or given to the advisor or a staff member. Zephyrus reserves the right to edit any letters for clarity and length.

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NEWS

Incredible Mars Discoveries by NASA

Schiaparelli in the 1800s. Geologists theorized that these streaks were caused by water that liquefied during the warmer seasons. NASA’s discovery on Monday, Aug. 28 of this year, confirmed that salty water flows across the surface in rivulets about 13 feet wide and 300 feet long. The water on the red planet is high in salt content, stabilizing it against the harsh temperature changes and preventing it from freezing or evaporating. Although the water source is too salty to sustain any familiar life forms, it is the first suggestion that the barren atmosphere of Mars could harbor life. “For life to be present, several requirements must be fulfilled. One of the most important requirements is water. There is even a saying that life follows water. So, does the discovery of liquid water means that life exists on Mars? Not necessarily. However, if life were to exist on Mars, we’d now have a way to explain how that is possible, and how it could survive,” said Miller.

In regard to NASA’s future plans for exploration of Mars, “most notably, the discovery will most likely alter future landing sites for the next Mars missions. If we know water exists in a certain location, and if life typically follows water, then it would be logical to target those locations for exploration to give us a better chance of finding life,” said Miller. NASA has yet to determine the source of the water, and rovers are not yet able to access the rivulets. “The problem with investigating this water, though, is its location. The liquid water that was found is located on a steep slope, which presents a problem in terms of robotic exploration. The only way the data from these locations is currently accessible is from the satellites orbiting Mars,” said Miller. Any probe or scientific instrument capable of inspecting the water would have to be sterilized to the point where no Earth microbe could contaminate the site. At this point, NASA’s next scheduled rover launch for 2020 will not meet these stringent requirements. Until perfect sterilization can be achieved, scientists will await the arrival of the InSight spacecraft, scheduled to land on Mars in September of 2016. This mission’s goal is to learn more about the inner makeup of the planet and attempt to determine if life could survive on the subsurface. “If we find some larger water source (aquifer, etc.), that would be very good news for NASA. NASA is looking to send humans to Mars, so if there was a water supply available on the planet, it would make it easier to sustain human life for the duration of the mission,” said Miller.

photo courtesy of NASA

NASA’s recent discovery that Mars is home to liquid, salty water has brought to light many new questions about what other secrets the red planet may be harboring. Is this a hint of alien existence? This marks a new course for NASA, who previously downplayed the idea that Mars was capable of sustaining life. “Usually, the conditions of Mars (namely, the atmosphere and surface temperature) cause pure liquid water to boil off and disappear almost instantly. Thus, until recently, NASA’s official stance was that liquid water doesn’t exist on Mars,” said NASA engineering intern Allison Miller, who is a cousin of Edina High School student Anne Amen.

Even before the technology had developed enough to conclusively determine the materials coating Mars, scientists were exploring the face of Mars. Ever since 19th century astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli observed hazy streaks across the surface of the planet, the idea of Martian life pursued scientists across the generations. As photographic equipment became more advanced, it was hypothesized that the polar caps on Mars were comprised of frozen water, which would melt during the Martian summer and accumulate again every winter. Further study of the topography of Mars in the late 1900s show what appear to be lake beds and valley systems furrowing the surface.

“We’d already suspected that water did, at one point, exist on Mars’ barren beauty Mars. Because of that, we’d also thought that life could have possibly existed on Mars at some point in the past, when water was present. We’d always hoped that we could find some evidence of past life on Mars,” said Miller. However, water would remain frozen in the planet’s distant history until the early 2000s.

The first hints of liquid water on Mars appeared in 2011, when one of the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter’s cameras observed the same dark streaks that had so puzzled

Hurricane Joaquin Jenna Simon staff writer

Hurricane Season officially starts on June 1 and ends November 30. The East Coast has been alert this year for severe tropical storm, Hurricane Joaquin. The following is a timeline of how Joaquin and other effects of hurricane season have progressed.

Thursday, October 1: Hurricane Joaquin hits the Bahamas. At this time, the storm is only progressing at approximately five miles per hour. Due to the slow movement of the storm, the Bahamas is expected to suffer for a prolonged period of time. The storm hit just under 80 miles from San Salvador, and it is predicted Joaquin will hit the city of Nassau, the Bahamas’s largest city, by Friday. Also, in the U.S. on Thursday, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan declares a state of emergency due to the threat of Joaquin.

Sunday, October 4: Joaquin hits Bermuda with hard rain and strong winds. The ferry services in Bermuda are closed, and all flights to the international airport in Bermuda are cancelled. Joaquin continues to move northeast, progressing faster at just over ten miles per hour. However, the storm is predicted to weaken as it moves north.

Tuesday, October 6: Pieces of debris from a ship are found in the mid-Atlantic by the U.S. Coast Guard. The debris is believed to be related to sunken cargo ship El Faro, which sailed in areas highly impacted by Hurricane Joaquin. The Coast Guard will continue its search for the ship and any possible survivors of the 33 crew member ship.

Wednesday, October 7: After hitting the Bahamas, Hurricane Joaquin continues to have an impact on the east coast of the United States.

Areas of South Carolina are able to begin to

recover after experiencing severe flooding and widespread power outages due to the hurricane.

The state will continue keeping a close eye on the weather for any changes that could potentially lead to more flooding.

Sunday, October 11: Hurricane Joaquin continues to weaken as it moves further northeast. A new concern is found in the Pacific Ocean, with Tropical Storm Nora. The tropical storm is currently southeast of Hawaii, and is expected to move towards the islands later in the week. Nora is expected to strengthen and possibly be classified as a hurricane. However, the storm is not currently a threat to land.

Tuesday, October 13: Weather forecasts in the Pacific predict this year El Niño could be one of the strongest on records. El Niño is a phenomenon that occurs after the aboveaverage warming of surface waters in the EastCentral Pacific along the Equator. The warming of the water can have a large impact on climate across the continent, including milder winters in the Midwestern U.S., high levels of precipitation in the Southern U.S., and drier weather in the Pacific Northwest. Normally, El Niño events are associated with decreased hurricane activity in the Atlantic, making the case of Hurricane Joaquin an unusual one.

Thursday, October 15: Hurricane Joaquin continues to weaken as it moves its route away from the northeastern United States. It is predicted that the hurricane could have impacts on the Iberian Peninsula, including heavy rain and strong winds. However, as Joaquin weakens, the storm is not expected to have as severe of an impact on Europe as hurricanes have had in the past.

Even with the events of Hurricane Joaquin, this year’s hurricane season is considered to be relatively average.

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Is Edina Happy?

John Osler online copy editor In a recent survey of randomly sampled residents, 96% of those surveyed rated their level of happiness with the city of Edina positively, calling it either “good” or “excellent.”

In fact, out of the 500 polled, not a single one rated Edina negatively.

“That’s a wonderful thing, to see that people love the quality of life in our community… and we work hard at trying to make it a better place to live all the time,” said Mayor James Hovland in regards to the results of the 50th and France, the epitome of Edina survey.

A poll of 33 Edina High School students showed similar results among the youth, with 85% of students living in Edina and 100% of transfer students saying they think Edina is, generally, a good place to live.

However, unlike the official poll, some students did rate Edina negatively, and those who rated it as such claimed that it is largely the youth who are unhappy with it.

“I think adults for the most part enjoy living here. There’s a lot of teenagers who complain about Edina, but on the inside they enjoy living here,” said senior Meggie Jackson.

Many of those polled, both in the student poll and the official one, claimed that the school systems are one of the major draws of Edina.

So maybe Edina is a nice place to live, but what do our fellow communities think of our success? While the official poll didn’t delve into this issue, the student poll revealed that the majority (68%) believe the other parts of the Twin Cities have negative perceptions of Edina.

“I feel like a lot of communities are jealous towards Edina,” said senior Ben Tucker, while senior Tori Van Kirk, when asked how she thought surrounding communities felt about Edina said, “I think that’s pretty much answered by [how people act] at sporting events.”

“Cake eaters, it doesn’t matter what they think of us,” said junior Fadumo Osman, “and who doesn’t love cake?”

“Wealthy, obviously, conceited, self centered,” is how senior Sarah Thommen chose to describe the Edina stereotype.

Perhaps the reason why people feel Edina has been typecast as snotty and wealthy is because of the lack of affordable housing, which was identified by the majority of people on both surveys as a major problem.

photo by fZoe Cheung

Annie Amen staff writer

NEWS

Mr. Klobuchar shows solidarity by wearing his union shirt.

Will Schwinghammer staff writer The teachers union in Edina, Education Minnesota Edina, which includes teachers, school nurses, special education teachers, and counselors, is renegotiating contracts with the Edina School District. These negotiations are a lengthy process, according to Edina High School English teacher and one of the union’s negotiators, Jackie Roehl. “We started meeting in February as a union team and then we started meeting with the district in April. We’ve had more than 20 meetings over the course of April, May, and the summer, and we now meet after school on Tuesdays for a couple hours to talk about issues,” Roehl said. These lengthy negotiations aren’t anything out of the ordinary, though. “In my 19 years here, only one time did we settle before school began.”

According to the master copy of the contract, contracts are valid for two years before they have to be renegotiated. There is no incentive to settle, so negotiations are often long and drawn-out, damaging teacher morale, according to Roehl, because the end is nowhere in sight. “We still have about 12 major issues, not counting pay and benefits,” Roehl said.

Pay is a contentious issue. What people might not know that teachers in Edina receive less than those in neighboring districts. “We haven’t had a large percentage pay increase. A lot of districts around here are settling for a one percent raise or two percent raise, so we are actually asking for a pretty large raise. We took other things in our contract but then that caught up to us so we need a raise,” said Roehl.

Pay isn’t the only issue, or even the main issue. According to Roehl, pay hasn’t come up even once over the course of over 20 meetings spanning six months. Instead, they’re focusing on smaller issues, such as religious observance days. Currently, religious holidays are taken out of teachers’ leave days, and missed days count against end-of-year attendance bonuses. While it only affects a small number of teachers, the union is pushing for fairness.

The union is also pushing for regulated class and case-load sizes. Currently, there are guidelines but no contractual obligations in these areas, leading to large class sizes, sometimes over 30 students. EHS also only has one nurse serving around 2000 students and faculty, as opposed to one nurse serving a few hundred students and faculty at the elementary schools, and the union also aims to work on that disparity.

Currently, teachers have to apply for jobs in other buildings, but the new contract hopes to allow teachers to transfer within the district without reapplying. “We want teachers to be able to say where they want to be,” said Roehl. This new system would be based on seniority and allow teachers to have more say in where they work while also giving the district an easier time with moving more junior staff members around as needed.

Roehl feels that the public doesn’t understand the complexity of the issue of teacher contracts. “I think that the public thinks it’s just about money, and like I said, we met for 25 times and really didn’t even talk about money. We’re talking about treating people fairly even if they’re a small group of people, like religious observance and part-time employees and their leave, and class size, and how they’re transferred to new buildings — a lot about how people are treated, not necessarily money, and I think that the public just sees it as money,” said Roehl. The union continues to negotiate with the district and they hope to settle in the near future.

Edina City Council Candidates Madeline Marker public relations editor On November 3, there will be an election held for Edina City Council. This year, there are four newcomers: Melanie Allen, Layla Avila, Claudia Carr, and Amir Gharbi, running against the three incumbents: Cathy Cella, Sarah Patzloff, and Leny Wallen-Friedman. The winners will serve a four year term from January 1, 2016 through December 31, 2019.

Melanie Allen is an environmental health and safety professional who grew up in Texas. Allen was not present at the initial informational meeting and does not yet have a campaign site.

Layla Avila strives to improve student achievement and focus on global citizenry. Avila hopes to maintain current curriculum and incorporate global competency.

She immigrated to the United States and grew up in Edina. She then attended law school, and returned to Edina. Avila has three children in the school system and volunteers in the classroom. She has an interest in health and wellness and is passionate about Edina Public Schools taking a more global approach.

Claudia Carr promises to invest in Edina’s teachers and wants to emphasize physical education.

She has served as vice chair of the Edina Planning Commission and as part of the Planning Task Force for the greater Southdale area development. Currently, she serves as Assistant General Counsel with the 3M Company with a focus on business law.

Amir Gharbi is a military veteran. He served eight years and completed his service with the rank of Captain in the Army. Gharbi is a son of an immigrant from Morocco. Currently, he is a high school physics teacher. He believes education is the most important gift to the community because it is the pathway

for people to pursue the American Dream. He has several years of civil service experience ranging from graduate advisor for the city of Minneapolis as part of the “Beyond the Yellow Ribbon” program to being a manager employee of the Mental Health Section of the Minnesota Department of Human Services.

Cathy Cella has served eight years on the city council. She has worked in the legal and non-profit sectors. Cella grew up in Edina, and she has experience in strategic planning, hiring, transportation, curriculum, and student activities. She has served as the president of the Parent Council at EHS and chair of the Site Council at Countryside and Valley View. She is the treasurer of the Finance and Facilities Committee and serves on the Teaching and Learning Committee, and Policy Committee.

Sarah Patzloff worked in the advertising industry for 12 years. Patzloff has served on a plethora of committees and boards: Finance and Facilities Committee, Human Resources Committee, Insurance Committee, and the Communications Committee. She has also been active in the community as a room parent and classroom volunteer at Highlands Elementary School, an academic triathlon coach for SVMS, Girl Scout “cookie mom,” and member of Normandale Lutheran Church.

Leny Wallen-Friedman is a father of three and has been married for 31 years. He has lived in Edina for 22 years. Besides serving as a member of city council, Friedman is also an attorney. He has coached youth sports and academic triathlon. He worked with the Cub Scouts, Daisies, and served as Treasurer of the Normandale Parent Teacher Organization (PTO).

Friedman has served on a wide variety of committees including the Finance and Facilities Committee, the Policy Committee, the Teaching and Learning Committee, and the Human Resource Committee.

College Possible at Edina High School art by Sophie Cannon

photo by Nate Saunders

Edina Teacher Contract Negotiations

Anne Amen staff writer You’ve probably heard the phrase “knowledge is power.” But not everyone has access to the same knowledge. For many students, the most important stage in their education - applying for college - remains a mystery. Without the inside scoop on how to submit applications and apply for financial aid, the college search can seem daunting and impossible. This is what the College and Career Center hopes to address in the coming year by introducing a program focused on supporting low-income students as they take the next step in their education.

This year marks the installation of a program at Edina High School known as “College Possible,” an organization dedicated to helping low-income students successfully navigate the college application process.

The organization was founded 16 years ago by Jim McCorkell after he attained something that neither of his parents had possessed: a college diploma. Now, College Possible is helping students across the United States and within Edina to achieve that same goal.

The goal of College Possible is to “help address the achievement gap between low income citizens and the rest of the population…that get their college education and degree of some sort,” said Peter

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Fagrelius, the representative of College Possible at EHS. This organization accepts any student who has a 2.0 or higher GPA, wants to go to college, and comes from a low-income family. According to Fagrelius, a college graduate on average makes 1.2 million more than someone who does not go to college. This program aims to help close that gap and give students the chance to get themselves out of the low-income bracket. “Together, we are building a better future for all: a richer, stronger, America where a student’s socioeconomic status does not prevent them from achieving their dreams,” said McCorkell on College Possible’s website.

College Possible is unique because they “offer one-one-one coaching free of cost to the people in the program until they get their degree. Even if it takes three years or ten years, they still have a oneon-one coach to help them with those questions about college…they have a lot of care and attention that is focused just on them when answering all of the college application questions,” said Fagrelius. Additionally, rather than focusing on student achievement, the program “helps [students] navigate what [they] call the hidden curriculum of college — the application process and financial aid which can be very confusing,” said Fagrelius.

This is Edina’s first year working with the College Possible Program. In the future, they “plan to have two coaches here, one serving juniors and one serving seniors,” said Fagrelius. College Possible is active in six different locations and serves around 22,000 students. Their other sites are spread all across the country, from Milwaukee to Omaha, Portland to Philadelphia, and from 23 Minnesota schools to their newest site that just opened in Chicago. Thanks to their continually growing organization, College Possible has plans to extend into 10 cities and reach even more students by 2020.

FEATURES

Cafeteria Chat to get to know them?

One man in particular who works very hard each day is James Knittel, the newly hired executive chef for our school. He is dedicated and loves what he does, and it’s high time that his hard work is recognized.

Knittel is 48 years old, but his work ethic and favorite pastimes don’t express that in the slightest.

The job of the executive chef is long and tiring, and yet he somehow manages to fit in a bit of everything into his day. While cutting bread to make croutons, he told Zephyrus a bit about his day and himself.

“I get to work at 6:00 a.m, work really hard until about 3:00 p.m., and then work a couple of more hours.

Go home and cook dinner for my wife and then go to bed,” said Knittel. After work, even when exhausted, Knittel still finds time to participate in his favorite hobbies. “I am an avid science fiction reader and practitioner of Tai Chi Chuan,” said Knittel.

The reason for Knittel putting up with the long hours and demanding job is quite simple: he loves what

Knittel.

He has worked in the foodservice industry his entire professional life, starting out as a worker in a movie theater and working up from there. When he’s retired (a long time from now, he says), Knittel might be interested in working in a bookstore.

Finally, when asked what his favorite food is, the response was immediate and delicious. “French Fries dipped in Hollandaise sauce,” said Knittel. Fingers crossed that dish makes its way into the cafeteria!

Knittel pauses his busy food preparation duties to pose for a picture

Christina Orth news editor

Putting them among the one percent of seniors nationally to earn this distinction, 20 Edina High School students were recently named as National Merit Scholar semifinalists. These 20, up from 16 semifinalists last year, are now in the running to earn one of the 7,600 National Merit Scholarships.

Selected from nearly 1.5 million students who took the PSAT/ NMSQT® exam, these students will now apply to be named National Merit Finalists. These students could potentially receive a scholarship from the National Merit Scholar program or scholarships from colleges, which usually vary from $1,000 to a full ride. The PSAT test serves simply as an initial assessment for receiving a National Merit scholarship. These students will now choose to submit an essay and receive a qualifying score on the SAT in order to qualify to become a National Merit Finalist.

The PSAT is an annual, nationwide exam offered to sophomores and juniors, and many seniors wish to stress the importance for younger students to take this test. The importance of the PSAT/

NMSQT® test is played down by the school, according to semifinalists Kyle Deeds and Emily Layton.

“I don’t think I quite realized the importance of the PSAT before I took it. I knew it was tied to the National Merit competition, but [the importance of the exam] hadn’t sunk in the day of,” said Deeds. To many EHS students, it seems like another standardized test. “I didn’t think that the PSAT was a big deal, and I don’t feel like the school made it known that you could become a semifinalist or potentially receive scholarships from taking this test,” said Layton.

This year the test was on Oct. 14, and while only juniors can qualify for the semifinalist status, many seniors highly recommend that everyone take the test. Take it from Layton: “Study for this. Take it and study for it.”

EHS is proud to have 20 finalists represent the school. Among them EHS principal Bruce Locklear is especially excited. “We congratulate these students on this prestigious achievement. Being named to this list is an honor and recognizes the commitment and hard work these students have dedicated to their learning. We are proud of each of them,” said Locklear. Finalists will be announced February 2016 and

photo courtesy of Chiara Kohlmayr

Merit Maniacs

EHS’ National Merit Scholar semifinalists and commended scholars National Merit Scholarship winners will be announced in the spring.

The following EHS students have been named National Merit semifinalists: Kendrick Bjelland, Olivia Chen, Kyle Deeds, Andrew Dickson, Jessica Hong, Willem Junker, Yogini Kaul, Chiara Kohlmayr, Ashley Law, Emily Layton, Catherine Lee, Alan Lu, Mark Mathison, Aditya Mittal, Kathryn O’Connell, Sidharth Ramesh, Alexander Rice-Slothower, Ariana Song, Arvind Veluvali and Lily Weigel.

Erik Lindquist online editor in chief

The band performances during halftime are often a highlight of the football games for all spectators, and Andy Richter, Director of the Edina High School Hornet Marching Band, isn’t the only one responsible for their success.

Every year four students are selected as Drum Major, the highest honor and leadership position an Edina band student can receive. Drum Majors oversee the whole marching band, which consists of 340 high school band members from the Concert, Varsity, and Symphonic bands. Out of 37 applicants, Mr. Richter chose seniors Josie Wilde, who plays the clarinet, Gretchen Miller, who plays the oboe, Alex McLaughlin, who plays the french horn, and Kjell Redpath, who plays the trumpet.

Drum Majors undertake various tasks and duties for the band. The first and most obvious is that they conduct the band during halftime at the games. Each Drum Major has to learn different whistle commands and how to conduct. All four of them stand on a step-ladder to ensure that every band member can see their arms, which keep the tempo. Their garb differs from the rest of the band’s in that the boys wear white pants instead of green and the girls wear skirts. Additionally, all four of them wear capes.

“It’s really fun to listen to the music and move to the beat, trying to energize the band and get everyone to show their passion,” said Redpath.

“Personally, I can’t help moving to some of those groovy songs.”

Drum Majors are also liaisons between the band and the teachers.

“Staff asks for input and gives us direction, and students give us their ideas, questions, and comments!” said Wilde.

“We do a lot of planning and organization. I wouldn’t say we have a lot of power but the teachers will look to us to take responsibility of practice, improving, what music to play, etc,” said McLaughlin.

This year has been especially difficult for the band. The band usually marches in the Minnesota State Fair parade, but it was cancelled because of Black Lives Matter protests that occurred at the fair that day. Also, the Homecoming Football Game, their biggest and most spectated event of the year, was cancelled because of the rain. These cancellations put a diminuendo on the band’s spirits, especially for the seniors who didn’t get to perform at their last homecoming.

“I cried after the state fair parade got cancelled, after the homecoming halftime show got cancelled, and after our last homecoming. It’s all very emotional,” said Miller.

Drum Major responsibilities don’t just end in the fall, though. They also conduct the pep bands in the winter for boys’ and girls’ hockey and boys’ basketball. Over winter break, the marching band will head to San Diego, California, where they’ll be marching in the New Year’s Eve parade and playing at Disneyland.

“Last year, Drum Majors had additional responsibilities in Concert Band and that may continue this year but it’s completely up to [Concert Band director] Mr. Kile,” said McLaughlin.

It’s safe to say that for all four Drum Majors, leadership is their forte.

“Band gives us so many opportunities both socially and musically. It’s the best of all worlds and it’s my favorite part of high school. Makes me laugh, cry, laugh until I cry, as cheesy as it sounds,” said Miller.

photo by Nate Saunders

These exceptional people get to school every day at 6:00 am and don’t leave until 4:00 pm. The work they do is far from easy, but crucial in keeping the students and staff of Edina High School running. Yes, I’m referring to the school lunch staff, who are probably the most hard working, yet under appreciated people at EHS, which just doesn’t seem fair. Hopefully you always say please and thank you in the lunch line to the kitchen staff and cashiers. But have you taken any time

he does. “I applied because I feel that working in a school will give me opportunities for self-development, mentoring others, and will bring about positive change. Cooking is my dream job,” said Knittel. His passion for cooking, accompanied with his desire for positive change drives him to bring about some change of his own to the EHS cafeteria. “We are always looking for ways to improve food service here at the high school. Look for the Create Station to open soon,” said

photo by Nate Saunders

Sophie Cannon head staff writer

Leadership is Their Forte

Senior Drum Major Gretchen Miller leads the band through a performance at one of the three home football games

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IN-DEPTH

Artists Among Us Lillie Westbrooke humor editor Art is everywhere we look. Art has told the stories of people alive during important parts of the world’s history. Different movements, different celebrations, different inspirations. As time goes on, there is more and more to be inspired by, more ideas to travel from the mind into the universe. In the halls of Edina High School, we’re familiar with the display case of 2D and 3D work from Ms. Towne’s classes. But do we really pay attention to who these artists are? Do we care about the work put into every single piece, be it painting, pot, or poem? These student artists deserve to be recognized in their element.

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FEATURES

Blast from the Past

Winter Sports Captains

John Osler online copy editor For a blast from the past, Zephyrus got the opportunity to sit down with Sarah Jones, who was the editor-in-chief of The Buzzette (Edina East’s former high school newspaper) six decades ago. Sarah Jones has had a lifelong career of writing and publishing. She cut her teeth on elementary and middle school papers before editing The Buzzette and has crafted countless church bulletins in her later life. She is also the grandmother of Zephyrus sophomore staff writer Tanner Jones.

Zephyrus: How would you describe your experience on The Buzzette?

Sarah Jones: Well, it was wonderful.

In my era, there were no girls’ sports, there were no girls’ athletics, so the two activities I pursued in high school were working my way up to the editor of The Buzzette and also I was on student council. So it was a lot of fun.

Zephyrus: Did you ever publish a particularly controversial article?

S.J.: Now, this was sixty years ago. I can’t remember any. Our advisor, who was an English teacher, censored: he didn’t really censor, but he saw everything we put in. I don’t think in that era we would have thought to be controversial.

Zephyrus: Would you say the primary goal of The Buzzette was to inform or to entertain?

photo from the Zephyrus archives S.J.: It was more to inform, but to inform about what was happening at Edina High School. To give information about sports teams, how they were doing. We would feature a senior boy and a senior girl in each issue.

We would write about awards and honors. We would feature teachers and new students. But it was to inform with some humor.

Zephyrus: Do you feel that people really read and cared about what you were publishing?

S.J.: Oh yes! It came out monthly, and it had, as you can see, lots of pictures of students. Oh yes, people just couldn’t wait till it came out. We distributed it at school and, yeah, it was a very popular piece. Remember, in those days, we didn’t have cell phones, we didn’t have computers, you probably took the newspaper delivered to your home, you might have taken a magazine or two, but there wasn’t this overload of media and communication. So this was what the students looked forward to.

Zephyrus: Which name do you like better, Zephyrus or The Buzzette?

S.J.: Well of course I prefer Buzzette, because that was my paper, but I think Zephyrus is a good name… But Buzzette, what I like about Buzzette is [that] it sounds active, like it’s happening.

Talking With Tony Greta Morton staff writer

Ever wondered how traffic directors feel standing in the middle of the road with multiple vehicles whizzing by? Make one small mistake with your hand gestures, and the next thing you know, two cars have collided head-on. Standing in the midst of speeding cars might seem scary to some, but not to one of Edina’s favorite crossing guards, Tony Harmon.

Zephyrus: Where are you from?

Tony Harmon: Chicago.

Zephyrus: How did you wind up in Edina?

T.H.: Ooh, that’s personal. Security, [I was] doing a security job.

Zephyrus: Do you play any sports?

T.H.: Football and weightlifting… Yeah, weightlifting is a sport.

Zephyrus: What are some of your favorite pastimes?

T.H.: Bodybuilding, traveling up north, and helping students out.

Zephyrus: What is your favorite TV show?

T.H.: “The Voice”… Oh, that’s a hard question. Sports. I like football and hockey.

Zephyrus: If you could have one

superpower, what would it be, and why?

T.H.: Diversity master. That would be my superhero, too. Captain Diversity. I’d wear all white and a hoodie. You gotta admit, that’s funny. A diversity man in a hoodie? Diversity, diversity, diversity [written] across his chest.

Zephyrus: Where do you see yourself in ten years?

T.H.: Still here, with a cane or wheelchair, helping people. Still doing traffic.

Zephyrus: If your life was made into a movie, who would play you?

T.H.: Let’s see… Eddie Murphy. He’s good. Good comedian. I laugh, crack jokes a lot. Yeah, Bernie Mac would be good if he was alive. Who’s the other one? Oh, Steve Harvey!

Yeah, I look more like Steve Harvey. Eddie Murphy is too short.

Zephyrus: If you could travel anywhere, where would you go, and why?

T.H.: I would go to Korea, South Korea.

It’s far away from Americans. [Just kidding,] it’s nice there. It’s really nice in Korea.

Zephyrus: Do you have any unusual hobbies?

T.H.: No! Zephyrus: Who is your favorite musician?

T.H.: Alive or dead? Yeah, [I like] B.B. King, I like Al Green, I like Kirk Franklin.

Zephyrus: Do you speak or want to speak

You know winter sports season is arriving when talk of “Nordic vs. Alpine” and “how everyone hates Edina hockey” can be heard in the hallways of Edina High School. Despite being known for hockey, Edina has plenty of other successful winter sports teams whose success stems from their dedicated captains.

These teams consist of: boys’ and girls’ alpine ski, girls’ and boys’ basketball, girls’ competition cheer, girls’ dance team, girls’ gymnastics, boys’ and girls’ nordic ski, boys’ swim and dive, and boys’ wrestling. In order to discover a little bit more about the captains, and get a sneak peak of the upcoming winter sports season, Zephyrus interviewed the superstars themselves.

“I can’t wink with my left eye, no matter how bad I want to,” said senior Nordic Captain Talia Willmert.

“I like to put barbecue chips inside of my PB&J, dip it in ranch, and then proceed to flavor town,” said senior Boys’ Wrestling Captain Devan Hunt.

“I don’t have a sense of smell,” said junior Girls’ Dance Team Captain Etta Winje.

“Peter Karos has taught me every basketball move I know,” said senior Boys’ Basketball Captain Will Moreton.

“I love fishing almost as much as I love playing hockey,” said senior Boys’ Hockey Captain Casey Dornbach.

“I have two different sized nostrils,” said senior Girls’ Basketball Captain Siri Veker.

“Can my weird fact be that I love soccer boys…?” asked senior Girls’ Alpine Captain Brooke Gruidl.

With the new influx of student athletes every year, every team usually faces many changes, so some seasons can be better than any other languages?

T.H.: [I speak] a little “poquito español” and small Korean. [I want to speak] Ukrainian, because they have a good… no, French would be good. Because it’s smooth.

Zephyrus: What made you want to become a traffic director at Edina?

T.H.: [It’s] easy to get kids across and keep traffic going.

Zephyrus: Have you had any previous experience controlling traffic?

T.H.: Yes. I was a police reserve officer in Minneapolis.

Zephyrus: What, in your opinion, makes you qualified for this job?

T.H.: [A] security background.

Zephyrus: Did you have any second thoughts after your first time directing traffic?

T.H.: No! No second thoughts.

Zephyrus: What’s the most challenging part of your job?

T.H.: Traffic and parents. Dealing with parents in traffic.

Zephyrus: How do you respond to people who disobey your directions?

T.H.: By jumping, kicking my feet, and throwing my hands in the air! With my humor and expressions.

Zephyrus: How has having a second traffic director at the parking lot influenced

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others. Teams that have a lot of familiar faces this year are boys’ and girls’ alpine, girls’ basketball, girls’ gymnastics, and boys’ wrestling. These teams have older athletes, and not a lot of new players. “We are a super small team and have all gotten to know each other over the years, and grown super close, which makes the season really fun,” said senior Girls’ Gymnastics Captain Jane Steinke. That being said, boys’ swim and dive, nordic, girls’ and boys’ hockey, girls’ dance team, and boys’ basketball are all excited to showcase their new players this season.

On the one hand, having a lot of returning players can be a blessing because “everyone already knows how to work together well,” said Gruidl. “Knowing each other’s skill sets can give you an advantage over the other teams,” added Veker. On the other hand, having a young team can bring “a surprise to a lot of people with the new talent,” said Dornbach. “New ideas for the team are super helpful,” added Winje.

“The season isn’t going to be easy by any means, but I believe we’ve got what it takes this year to finally get that state championship we’ve been waiting for,” said junior Girls’ Hockey Captain Anna Goldstein.

“Having four-hour practices every Monday I’m eager to see what we can accomplish this year,” said senior Girls’ Competition Cheer Captain Allie Suedbeck.

“We only lost two of the six from our section and state team last year, so we are hoping to make it a two peat this year. The girls’ team was only one spot away from making it to State, so they really want to get there this year,” said junior Boys’ Alpine Captain Daniel Brunker. EHS’ winter sports teams plan to meet their goals and represent Edina well this season.

you?

T.H.: It helps the kids get out of the parking lot…a lot easier and a lot safer.

Zephyrus: Have you ever felt unsafe while guiding the cars?

T.H.: Yes…People aren’t paying attention.

People are in a rush.

Zephyrus: What are some challenges you face when dealing with teen drivers?

T.H.: [I feel] unsafe. Road rage.

Zephyrus: Overall, what do you enjoy most about your job in Edina?

T.H.: I enjoy my job. I enjoy helping others. Yeah, I like helping students out and teaching diversity. Mostly, diversity.

ph oto by Zo e Ch eu ng

Molly Sparrow sports editor

Harmon directs traffic on an average busy morning

OPINION

Should Guns be Controlled?

Head-to-Head Pro Gun Control

On September 30, most people probably got word of the most recent school shooting at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon and thought, “Here we go, another tragedy.”

This is the 142nd school shooting since Sandy Hook in Dec. 2012. In the midst of writing this article, yet another shooting was reported at Northern Arizona University on October 9. The worst tragedy of all seems to be the fact that mass shootings are becoming common occurrences in this nation.

I remember after the 2012 Aurora shooting, I couldn’t bring myself to step into a movie theater for a few months. Once I finally managed to get myself back inside, I had a complete panic attack in the middle of an action movie when I heard gun shots going off. How is this acceptable? How come America, supposedly one of the safest countries on the planet, is scaring young children to the point where they cannot sit back, relax, and watch a movie? Today, the younger kids are, the more normal it is for them to hear about this month’s most recent tragedy, with at least 10 shot on sight and several others injured. Nothing about that is normal, and it is time for our government to step up and acknowledge this.

According to oregonlive.com, President Barack Obama says he intends to keep discussing the need for political action on gun control at every level of government. It seems that this is becoming somewhat of a trend in the White House: hear about the tragedy, address the nation promising to try and make things different. While I completely respect Obama and recognize how difficult of a topic gun control is to approach, the reality is these tragedies should not have to keep happening in order for America to want to change.

I’ve heard all the arguments against me. How is making guns illegal going to keep us safer?

Even if guns are illegal, people will still find a way to get their hands on them. While the latter may be true, the reason I find the majority of people own a gun today is for protection. They are paranoid, and they have every right to be. Anyone who watches the news knows how much damage guns can do. However, people wouldn’t need a gun if nobody else had them. And while people may find a way to get a hold on an illegal gun, the purpose would be to make it as hard as possible. I realize that there will always be a black market where people can get what they don’t find at the grocery store, but the reality right now is that guns might as well be for sale at the grocery store; that’s how accessible they are.

Time for another story: my foreign exchange student last year, Gwendoline, came all the way from France to stay with me for about a month. I think she knew what the gun laws were like

Anti Gun Control Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief

art by Gage Aulik

It is an undisputable fact that guns do kill people. I’m not here to argue against that. I will also agree that it is a lie to say shooting tragedies are unpreventable. Life does not just happen.

But this is where I draw the line. Gun control will not solve our “gun problem.”

Banning guns (or substantially reducing the availability of guns) will not stop violence, because the law can only control those who follow it. People who commit atrocities with guns have no intention of following the law. Only sheer ignorance can claim that banning

in America, but not the full extent of it. When I explained to her how lenient we are with guns, her eyes went wide and I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look she gave me. She told me that on occasion, she’ll hear about people who are frightened to visit America because of how many guns we own here. Frightened to take a vacation to America. I can understand being frightened to visit somewhere with political unrest like Somalia or Syria, but under no circumstances should someone from Europe be frightened to visit America.

When the Second Amendment (which protects all citizens’ right to bear arms) came about, things were so different in this country. That was about two hundred years ago. Times have changed, and it’s time for us to change our policies as well. Let’s increase laws on gun control, specifically assault weapons, so another school doesn’t pop up on the news with 20 people dead and as many grieving families.

art by Sophie Cannon

Megan Hussey human resources editor

guns will keep them out of the hands of people who abuse them.

For example, alcohol is banned from people 21 and under, and that doesn’t stop underage drinkers. Marijuana is illegal in most states and that sure doesn’t keep people all across the United States from obtaining it. These are just everyday examples that we as teenagers witness every single day. Guns are no different. Trying to regulate them more stringently would just create another lucrative black market that our government can’t control.

Gun control advocates argue no guns will reduce violence. But violence will still continue in other forms. This may cause fewer deaths because it is much harder to kill a large amount of people with a knife, but what about defenseless people that cannot protect themselves unless they have a gun? I’m not saying that a gun should be anyone’s first resort, but just the threat of having a gun can keep people from committing horrible crimes.

If you don’t believe me, believe Harvard. The Harvard Journal of Law and Public Policy printed a study done by two criminologists, Professors Don Kates and Gary Mauser, who found that there is a strong negative correlation between gun ownership and murder and suicide rates. In the United States, it is 80 times more likely that a gun will be used to prevent a crime rather than take a life. On top of that, approximately 200,000 women in the United States use guns to protect themselves from sexual assault every year.

Chicago has some of the strictest gun control laws in the United States, and its murder rate spiked by 17% between 2011 and 2012 when this new legislation was enforced. It now could be considered “the deadliest global city” according to an article published by NBC Chicago.

I am not a proponent of violence; I am a proponent of safety. I believe that if one student in that classroom in Oregon had even had just a small handgun, the story could have turned out much differently. It is a fact that the police cannot respond fast enough when a gunman marches into a room and shoot 30 or more people in a matter of seconds. We need guns to protect not only ourselves, but also those around us.

That being said, I will not discount that more thorough background checks should be conducted. A reasonable compromise would prohibit people with criminal records from purchasing guns. But to the United States government, do not take the right away from trustworthy people and convince the world that it is for the “greater good.” If that ever happened, it would only hurt the defenseless and take away rights from the majority of the population who are responsible.

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OPINION

Facing Forum Failures The flaws of sophomore forums

Simply put, enforced attendance at Collaborative Time forums doesn’t make sense. Making the activity compulsory predetermines its failure. Students go into forums with a bad attitude: ever since the start of school, I have heard numerous complaints about forums by peers. But, due to time spent working with teachers, I had yet to attend one. So, on Tuesday, October 6th, I decided against studying with a teacher, and instead went to a forum.

The topic of the forum of that day was plagiarism, and I immediately began to agree with the opinions of my peers.

The forum didn’t begin until 10:36, 28 minutes after the beginning of collab time.

So for 28 minutes the sophomore class sat in Fick Auditorium waiting patiently with no explanation for the delay. To make things worse, our confinement in Fick prevented us from being productive. Once the presentation was underway, I felt that the presentation was rushed due to a lack of time, and additionally, I noticed that the audio wasn’t functioning. This further tainted my experience.

Now, it may be unfair for me judge the as unimportant and insignificant. In other words, as sophomore Jonah Calvo put it, success of a forum based on the presence “forums are a joke.” of technical difficulties. But let’s be honest, even if the forum had run smoothly, would I asked 25 students if they felt that they got anything of substance from that really affect plagiarism? If a student is deciding whether to plagiarize or to engage Collaborative Time forums, in a staggering in any number of prohibited activities yet unsurprising turn of events, 100% of the students responses (poor digital citizenship, were “no.”

In my drug use, or mind, fostering any topic discussed in opportunities for intellectual growth the forums), should trump the their decision teaching of social won’t be conduct in a school. influenced by what a teacher Sophomores tells them interested in extracurriculars at a forced assembly. have had to give up opportunities, like This fact can Sophomore Collab Forum the Young Liberals be attested by how Club (which meets during collab students acted in the forum I attended: time), due to mandatory forums. Not only have sophomores sacrificed the ability to they clapped and cheered obnoxiously participate in activities, but study and work to each of the speaker’s statements, individually and with peers. because to them gathering was entirely inconsequential. In fact, the overwhelming We’ve heard time and time again that unrestrained Collaborative Time has majority of sophomores viewed the forum photo by Zoe Cheung

Tanner Jones staff writer

resulted in past failures, but that’s not a reason to force forums. Students should have the capability to take advantage of the resources available to them (chemistry help, math hive, etc). For those who have a genuine interest in the subject matter being discussed, forums can remain an option.

It seems to me that the school uses forums to keep watch on a group of students who they think have nothing to do, and consequently, who they fear will get into trouble if let loose. In sophomore Carl Weigel’s words, “[forums] are just an excuse to keep us all in the same place.”

The reality is that we do have things to do during collaborative time. Many of us have goals for our academic year, and beyond that, skills we hope to cultivate. For those sophomores that struggle with goal setting, Collaborative Time can be used to work with teachers and roadmap their future.

Primarily, Collaborative Time should be a time to stay caught up on schoolwork.

Beyond that, it should serve as a time for students to enrich themselves by pursuing alternative work. Forums certainly don’t accomplish either of these principles, and in my opinion, they serve only as a waste of time.

Student Rights Exposed

art by Olivia Chen

First Amendment Rights in Public Schools

Colette Bruder opinion editor Edina High School’s official mission statement is “Working in partnership with the family and the community, to educate all individuals to be responsible, lifelong learners who possess the skills, knowledge, creativity, sense of selfworth, and ethical values necessary to thrive in a rapidly changing, culturally diverse, global society.”

This statement is a lot to live up to. Students are supposed to be responsible, ethical, and creative learners able to adapt to a changing world. However, this is only possible if EHS students are provided opportunities to voice their opinions

and think critically. The mission statement vaguely mentions “ethical values” without acknowledging that “ethics” and “values” mean different things to different people. Recent events have prompted an examination of whether students have free speech and press rights in our society and how, or even whether, EHS promotes a free exchange of ideas.

The United States Bill of Rights was created to safeguard the rights of citizens from government intrusion. As a U.S. citizen, the Bill of Rights guarantees me certain things.

According to the First Amendment, outside of school, I am able to speak freely, express my religious and political beliefs, publish my thoughts and assemble and petition the government. When entering a school in the United States, my rights as a United States citizen become somewhat restricted.

However, the Supreme Court has historically protected freedom of political speech in schools. For example, in Tinker v. Des Moines in 1969, the Supreme Court upheld the right of students to peacefully protest the Vietnam war by wearing black armbands. More recently, U.S. Courts affirmed a student’s rights to wear “I Heart Boobies” bracelets even though many school officials deemed them offensive.

Unfortunately, outside the realm of political speech, student rights to free expression is less protected. Freedom of speech has been suppressed by the Supreme Court on several occasions, when that speech is deemed “disruptive” or “hurtful.” I understand the argument that hate speech should be banned in school settings. Many argue the expression of potentially offensive beliefs does not further a student’s education. But, who gets to decide what is considered offensive or hate speech?

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Schools typically have unclear definitions of what types of speech and ideas are considered inappropriate. Teachers and administration should not have the power to arbitrarily choose what they want students to write, act, and feel.

Frequently this power is used by those in authority to suppress opinions contrasting to their own beliefs or agendas. The First Amendment was not created to protect the dissemination of popular opinions. Instead, it was created to protect unpopular beliefs.

These issues recently became evident at EHS when the administration “firmly suggested” Zephyrus remove an article they deemed as offensive from the school newspaper’s website. Admittedly, the school may have legitimate reasons to police the publication of articles which might hurt or anger certain groups. However, the article suppressed was not intended to hurt any group but rather to satirize a recent event at the high school.

If the Zephyrus staff isn’t going to be encouraged to offer thoughtful commentary on the social structure of EHS, the administration should write the paper themselves. Zephyrus is classified as “an open forum for student expression,” which grants us the greatest amount of protection under Tinker standards. The administration needs to respect that fact.

The administration hasn’t provided a clear, meaningful definition of what constitutes questionable content. So how are we supposed to know? The answer is, we don’t. Zephyrus has previously invited the administration to engage in a dialogue about these issues. The invitation still stands.

CULTURE

The Real Housewives... of Edina?

Greta Morton staff writer

“If I’m paying forty dollars, I better die.”

Haunted houses are a beloved part of the Halloween season. People love the thrill that these frightening houses provide. “I love haunted houses because you can go with your friends, it’s super fun to be scared all the time, and it just gets you into that Halloween spirit, you know, those Halloween vibes,” said junior Haley Kolsum, a frequent haunted house attendee.

Valleyscare is one of Minnesota’s most notable Halloween hot spots. Valleyscare opened in 1998 as Halloweekends, since it was only open on the weekends in September and October; then it closed in 2000 and re-opened in 2006 under the name Halloween Haunt.

The park houses seven haunted mazes, like Mangler Asylum and Zombie High, and five scare zones, like Abnormal Alley and Carnevil: Ringleaders Revenge. The workers at these places go all out with their costumes. “Clowns are definitely the scariest. Especially if they have chainsaws, those are the worst. Or anyone just covered in gore and blood,” said Kolsum.

If you don’t want to see any chainsaw-wielding clowns, there is also Planet Spooky for the people who don’t want to be scared too badly.

The Trail of Terror in Shakopee is another fan favorite. Trail of Terror is considered one of the largest and scariest Halloween events in the Twin Cities with more than 2.5 miles of horror indoors and out. Some of the attractions include the Running Dead 5K, Hotel 666, and the Howling Pines Woods Walk. One of the

main attractions is Zombie Paintball, a guided trail where people get to use a paintball marker to shoot zombies. Each team is assigned a mission, and to win, it must be completed. The paintballs are filled with glow in the dark paint, and the zombies wear glow necklaces so they can be spotted in the dark. The zombies are not able to shoot back, so there is no risk of getting shot by a paintball, unless, of course, one of your teammates accidentally mistakes you for a zombie.

If zombies and creepy dolls aren’t really your thing, but you still want to be scared on Halloween, consider visiting a real haunted place. Wabasha Street Caves are located in Saint Paul and are rumored to be haunted. Wabasha Street Caves are sandstone underground caves that you can tour. The ghosts that have been spotted here include a man in a panama hat, a man who meets a woman in the bar area around 3 a.m., a man who sits in the audience of the theater, a woman who appears to be searching for something, and various gangsters who are said to be very fond of children. One time, a little boy that was visiting the caves was found and photographed sitting happily at a table with several ghostly figures sitting around him. The caves are said to be haunted by three gangsters who were massacred in a back room and buried under the cement floors.

Whether you want to be scared so badly that you almost pass out, or if you want to see some real ghosts, there is always something to do in the spooky month of October.

You’ve heard of the “Real Housewives” reality television franchise in places like New York City, Atlanta, and New Jersey. But now, prepare yourselves for “The Real Housewives of Edina!” Well, realish.

“The Realish Housewives of Edina: A Parody” is a live comedy show inspired

by Bravo TV’s “The Real Housewives” reality television programs. Written by veteran Second City writers Tim Sniffen and Kate James, the show profiles the lives of five crazy ladies of the Twin Cities. This 90 minute performance Cover art of the play directed by Matthew Miller follows Claudia Louise (who prefers to be referred to as “C.L.”), Rovanka, Desiree, Brooke, and Gwen as they reenact and reminisce about their experiences on 50th and France.

The women are portrayed as your typical, reality TV drama queens. According to the Hennepin Theatre Trust’s website, Claudia Louise (played by Quinn Shadko) is “glamorous and conniving in equal measure”; Ravonka (Kim Kivens) is “the baroness of an uncertain ethnicity”; Desiree (Karissa Lade) is a “neck supermodel”; Brooke (Anna Hickey) is a “self-made business tycoon”; and Gwen (Katherine Kupiecki) is “the brains photo courtesy of Hennepin Theatre Trust

Nikki Lund culture page editor

of the bunch.” Randy (Adan Varela) is the housewives’ egotistical host.

The comedy takes place during the final taping of their first season of “The Real Housewives of Edina” TV show. The housewives always seem to rub each other the wrong way. The heiress Ravonka is appalled

by Brooke, who has made a fortune from her “butt writing” (athletic wear with inspirational messages on the backside). Desiree is the stereotypical dumb blonde with an addiction to frozen yogurt (specifically, the (Yo)gurt [Lab] on 50th and France). Gwen’s political aspirations always seem to be a source of drama, all while the glamorous C.L. is the only one to have a man in her life.

“Compendium,” a local online portfolio, reviewed the production and describes the show as having “tiny dogs, big purses, bloody mary fountains, and sequins galore. Like the reality show itself, there’s not much of a plot or a set, just concentric rings of trifling interpersonal conflict set on a couch whilst drowning in champagne.” Sound familiar?

Performances run September 24 through November 15 at Hennepin Theatre Trust’s New Century Theatre. Performances are held on Thursday and Friday at 7:30 p.m., Saturday at 2 and 7:30 p.m., and Sunday at 2 p.m. Tickets can be purchased now for $34.50 at the New Century Theatre in downtown Minneapolis or at HennepinTheatreTrust.org. photo

Minnesota’s Best Haunted House

Disney Chooses Edina for High School Premiere

Disney sponsors Edina High School to perform “Peter and the Starcatcher” Come see Edina High School’s Fall musical, “Crazy for You,” November 5, 6, 7, 12, 13, and 14 at both 1:00 and 7:00 pm at the Edina Preforming Arts Center. “Crazy for You” is a romantic musical, book by Ken Ludwig, lyrics by Ira Gershwin, and music by George Gershwin. The show is largely based on the songwriting team’s 1930 musical, “Girl Crazy,” but incorporates songs from other productions as well.

“Crazy for You” is the story of Bobby Child, a well-to-do 1930s playboy whose dream is to dance.

It’s a high energy comedy which includes fabulous dance numbers, plot twists, and a wonderful love story.

Rebecca Edgington culture page editor Every year at the Lincoln Nebraska University campus, the International Thespian Conference (ITF) hosts thousands of students and hundreds of shows. Any school can bring a smaller show to ITF to be performed on the Johnny Carson Black Box theater. “In the past we have brought a show every year to perform on the smaller stages. Everything from ‘Burial at Thebes,’ to a student written play ‘We Mooshu a Merry Christmas,’ to a student created and choreographed flash mob. I would say we have brought 15 shows to the smaller stages at festival,” said Edina High School theater director Anthony Matthes who is also a theater teacher to middle schoolers at both Valley View and South View Middle School. This past summer, EHS brought “Minnesota Moon,” a two-man one-act play performed by seniors Ben Weiman and Dylan Rickard. The show is about two teenagers at the end of their high school careers and their afternoon together devoted to saying goodbye.

Schools can also be selected to perform a larger play or musical at the Lied Theater. These shows are called Mainstage Shows, and everyone at the conference attends. In 2011, EHS performed

“Anything Goes” as a Mainstage. In 2014 they brought “Fiddler on The Roof.” “It is always a different experience. The mainstage productions are absolutely amazing. Performing on a professional stage for over 3800 students is truly life changing, but I am just as proud of anything we bring,” said Matthes.

This coming year EHS plans to bring a third mainstage show to ITF as the first high school to ever perform it. “Peter and the Starcatcher” will be performed as the winter play here at EHS and then will be performed again at the conference this summer. “Peter and the Starcatcher” is owned by Disney and is the prequel to Peter Pan. Disney will also be sponsoring the show. “Fiddler on the Roof” was also sponsored. “Music Theatre International (MTI) sponsored ‘Fiddler On The Roof.’ They are the production company that owns the rights to many of the musicals we do. When they sponsored us they waived the royalties and rental costs of the scripts.

That was about $6,100,” said Matthes. “About 3 years ago Disney was in town for the Education Theatre association conference and they approached us to be one of the first schools to do ‘Mary Poppins,’ but things fell through. Last year when I took students to New York for our thespian trip, we were approached by the head of MTI during a tour,” said Matthes, and that was when ideas for “Peter and

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the Starcatcher”came to the surface.

Disney has been doing a lot to collaborate with EHS to make this an amazing show. “Disney and MTI are working with us to make sure the show is something that will work for high schools. They got us the scripts early and have been working with me to create a script that will work. After several summer script readings with students, I sent MTI and Disney a proposal to make the script more inclusive.

The original script has 11 boys and 1 girl. I proposed to have 23 characters and have created more girls’ roles,” said Matthes.

He plans to have a cast of 20 to 23 students, and a Crew of 15 to 20. Auditions were held on September 19th. Matthes said auditions were held so early this year because “we really need to have the actors familiar with the script as soon as the fall musical is complete.” Even though auditions were held so early, the cast list won’t be coming out until the fall musical is finished.

There are some great plans for this phenomenal show. What makes “Peter and the Starcatcher” unique is that “It’s a prequel to Peter Pan. [There is a] lot of storytelling where the actors play multiple roles and create the entire atmosphere as players,” said Matthes. Putting together this show will definitely be a new experience and a challenge for Edina thespians.

CULTURE

DIY Halloween Spooky Sweets!

With just a little effort, these holiday icons can be transformed into delicious treats perfect for any costume party. We picked three recipes and took the liberty of trying them ourselves. Below we tell you how to make them and even add a few tricks to help them turn out spookily delicious!

SPIDER DONUTS: Ingredients: 1 bag mini donuts (chocolate frosted) A handful of pretzels Candy eyes Frosting to stick on candy eyes Directions: TAKE out mini donut from packaging.

BREAK apart pretzels so you have small pieces that can act as legs.

STICK pretzel legs into mini donut (four on each side; spiders have eight of them!) .

N o v e m b e r C o n c e r t Pr e v i e w

alternative rock band has a large repertoire of songs ranging from ballads to fast paced dance songs. Skylar Grey, a new singer-songwriter from Wisconsin, will also be on tour with Black X’s on the backs of both hands, a new band t-shirt, and a lost voice are all telltale the band. Her hit song, “I Know You,” was featured in the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” signs of someone who loved every second of and has since gained popularity. an amazing concert they attended the night Monday, November 9: Sleeping With before. This look can be an expensive one to Sirens will rock out the Skyway Theater at maintain because some concert tickets can 7:00 pm for just 25 dollars. Classified as an ring up to be one hundred dollars or more!

American rock band, they feature screamo However, when that one special artist comes and emo elements. But they can also spin out to town, sometimes shelling out a pretty penny heartfelt ballads and smooth slow songs. This can result in one of the best nights of your concert will no doubt leave you without a life (or at least that month). Luckily, living voice and with some crazy stories of jumping near the Twin Cities gives Edinans plenty of along with the band. opportunities to catch great live music for a Monday, November 16: The Varsity bargain at many venues Theater downtown will in Minneapolis and St. be hosting Mariana’s Paul. Here is the line-up Trench. At 7:00 you can for this month; see them perform for Sunday, November 25 dollars in advance or 1: Family Force Five 30 at the door. The pop will be starting off the punk band hails from month of November at Canada and has released the Triple Rock Social five albums since 2001.

Club in downtown They mostly stick to Minneapolis. One of pop punk, but it is not the venue’s few all ages uncommon to hear some shows, Family Force American Authors in concert rock vibes sometimes.

Five will be performing Saturday, November 28th: Hippo Campus at 7:00 pm, and doors open at 6:00 pm. Tickets returns after performing in Minneapolis purchased in advance are only 15 dollars, multiple times, their last visit being this so why not give this band a try? Family summer. They will be headlining at First Force Five is an American rock band, with Avenue at 6:00 for 17 dollars in advance. This a Christian influence, but their music ranges Minnesota based band is made up of college from electronic, pop, and rock, to hip hop and grads from the St. Paul area, and they are metal rap. This versatile band is sure to make relatively new to the scene. However, they for a night of mosh pitting and sweaty fun for have gained instant popularity through small under 20 bucks. concerts and have since performed at bigger Wednesday, November 4: The X and bigger venues. Hippo Campus’s sound is Ambassadors are back again and performing a blend of rock, indie, and singer-songwriter. with Skylar Grey at Mill City Nights. You can They can be most similarly compared to catch this duo for just 15 dollars at 8:00 pm.

Vampire Weekend, as the vocals sound a bit The band was last in Minneapolis for the free reminiscent of Ezra Koenig. Make sure to buy Chipotle Cultivate Festival this summer, and tickets soon, because this is a great opportunity had the pleasure of performing before the rain to see an up and coming band that is rapidly hit and washed out Walk the Moon. Known gaining popularity. for their hit song, “Renegades,” the American

GLUE on candy eyes to front of donut with frosting.

PUMPKIN RICE KRISPIE TREATS: (courtesy of yummyhealthyeasy.com) Ingredients: 3 Tbsp. butter ½ tsp. vanilla extract Red & yellow food coloring or orange gel coloring 5-1/2 cups mini marshmallows 6 cups crispy rice cereal Mini tootsie rolls Candy for decorations, M&M’s, candy corn, etc.

Directions: MELT butter in a large saucepan on medium heat.

ADD vanilla extract and marshmallows.

STIR until marshmallows are completely melted.

ADD orange food coloring (it can be made using red and yellow!).

PUT in the cereal and stir until completely combined.

TURN off heat and let sit for a few minutes, until cool enough to handle.

Old fashioned soft pumpkin cookies

What ’s the Spice on Pumpk in Spice Lattes?

Sophie Cannon head staff writer

photo by Farhia Osman

SPRAY your hands with cooking spray and mold cereal mix into circles (roughly pumpkin shaped).

UNWRAP a tootsie roll and press into each pumpkin top, then add candy for the eyes and noses (use frosting to help).

photo by Megan Hussey

PUMPKIN COOKIES: (courtesy of verybestbaking.com) Ingredients: 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar 1/2 cup butter (1 stick), softened 1 cup Pure Pumpkin 1 large egg 1 teaspoon vanilla extract Directions: PREHEAT oven to 350° F.

Grease baking sheets.

COMBINE flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt in medium bowl. Beat sugar and butter in large mixer bowl until well blended. Beat in pumpkin, egg and vanilla extract until smooth. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto prepared baking sheets.

BAKE for 15 to 18 minutes or until edges are firm. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

TIP: For those who have that extra sweet tooth, try adding in some chocolate chips to your pumpkin cookies.

Will Schwinghammer staff writer

There’s a certain mysticism surrounding Starbucks’s famous Pumpkin Spice Latte, available each fall starting in early September.

Everyone’s heard of the drink and everyone has an opinion about it. Personally, I’m not much of a coffee drinker, but I decided to check out the legendary latte to see what all the hype was about.

Before taking the plunge with my tongue, I asked some friends what they thought of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, and got I responses ranging from, “I look forward to them every year,” to, “those things are nasty and I hate them!” So, with a little apprehension and a good deal of curiosity, off I went to Starbucks.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. It was hard to get a whiff through the lid of the travel cup, but it smelled faintly of pumpkin pie. So far, so good. The cup was warm in my hand against the cold fall wind, and I took my first sip.

The first taste I got was a mouthful of whipped cream, which wasn’t a bad thing, just unexpected. The second sip exposed my mouth to scalding hot coffee. At this point, I had to set the glass down and let it cool for a minute while I waited for my burned tongue to recover. They aren’t kidding when they say “Careful, the beverage you’re about to enjoy is extremely hot.”

When I dared again, I took a sip. Then another. Before long I had unashamedly

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photo by Nate Saunders

Megan Hussey & Farhia Osman human resources editor & art editor

downed the entire beverage, draining the last half in one big gulp. It was fantastic.

It tasted like pumpkin pie, but there were definite undertones of coffee. It was way sweeter than your average black coffee, and was therefore much more palatable to a noncoffee-drinker such as myself. It was definitely a little hot at first, but with whipped cream and a little patience, it was soon a comfortable temperature. I would certainly consider getting another one on another frosty fall day.

The Pumpkin Spice Latte is a nice drink to warm you up on a chilly fall day, and it really did tie my day together. As I sipped on my latte and enjoyed the crisp fall weather, I realized that the Pumpkin Spice Latte represents something more than just a heavilymodified cup of coffee. Getting a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks was a great way to spice up an otherwise uneventful autumn morning.

The pumpkin pie-esque flavor evoked comforting memories of autumns long past, and the warmth helped to heat my gloveless and quickly freezing hands.

Starbucks definitely has a winner with the Pumpkin Spice Latte. It’s tasty and iconic, and it has become an immediately recognizable symbol that fall has arrived. I think that it certainly lived up to the hype it’s been given, and more people who immediately dismiss it as a stereotypical “white girl drink” should at least give it a shot. Overall, I was very pleased with the entire Pumpkin Spice Latte experience, from the coffee itself to the warm cup and the unique taste. It will definitely become a new fall tradition for me.

SPORTS

Cultural Significance of Hockey photo courtesy of Edina Hockey

of Edina the opportunity to bond over our successful girls’ and boys’ hockey teams.

The craze surrounding hockey is caused

by Edina High School’s teams’ success.

“Hockey is so popular because we have been very successful in the past and tend to keep proving ourselves so more people want to participate. I would say it’s an honor and a privilege and obviously fun! Edina hockey has such a history, and anyone that was on the team in the past still supports the team today. It’s very humbling to be apart of such a great tradition,” said junior Girls’ Hockey member Anna Klein.

The notorious State Tournament is also a factor that increases the cultural significance of hockey in Edina. The pre-game rituals and traditions that surround the tournament run deep, like the different themes for each games, and the cheering between the upper and lower student sections. “In Edina, hockey is a long standing tradition. For decades, it has brought the community together, young and old, from skating on the pond or in the park as a youngster, to watching our teams play in the State Tournament. Hockey is more than just a sport, it is a tradition. Go Hornets!” said senior Varsity Girls’ Hockey Captain Molly Myhre.

Another reason for hockey’s popularity is our Minnesotan roots and childhood memories. “The cultural significance about hockey all ties back to our roots from Minnesota. Here we all grew up, playing on frozen ponds and drinking a nice cup of hot cocoa when we needed a break. That’s where a lot of us learned how to skate, shoot, score, and most importantly have fun playing the game we have been blessed with,” said senior Charlie DeGrood.

The culmination of all these factors has made hockey one of, if not the most popular sport at EHS.

One hockey player races down the ice with the puck Despite football’s dominance in America, hockey takes precedent over football in Edina. It seems as if more people watch and play hockey than football in Edina. During the State Tournament, Edina residents scramble to purchase tickets each year.

In Edina, if you don’t start hockey at a very young age, you may never be able to catch up with your peers. This is because of the amount of work and time Edina Hockey players devote to their craft. Before school, after school, during the summer at least once or twice a day, they are out skating. High intensity and competitiveness are characteristics of Edina hockey. Making varsity is near impossible, and the ones who do make it often go on to play collegiate hockey.

An occasional player will also go professional.

The cultural significance surrounding hockey in Edina can be seen as both good and bad. On one hand, the competitiveness that surrounds hockey is astronomical.

Stories abound about team politics and helicopter parents in the hockey world. On the other hand, hockey is a great way for players to form friendships, and it provides the city

XCountry is Xcellent Ben Gustafson staff writer

For many Edina High School students, sports practice is the highlight of their day. Unfortunately, sports can be dangerous despite the safety precautions coaches and athletes take. Below, several EHS students share their sports injury horror stories.

“It happened on the second day of school. I had already injured my ankle so I was hesitant to play, but I decided to push through it because it Senior Nico Joy with his ankle injury was my senior year. It was the second play, and I put all of my weight onto my right ankle and I jumped up for a header. My ankle went completely under me. I got helped off the field and when I got to the trainer’s bench, my ankle was the size of a lacrosse ball, which was higher up on my leg than it should have been. I was on crutches immediately, and the next day at practice, I watched the video, and it almost made me puke.”

Nico Joy, senior (soccer) “I was frisbee golfing with my friends, and my friend had the brilliant idea of spinning around before throwing the frisbee. I thought that sounded like a great idea too, so I spun around really fast and chucked the frisbee. It was going really fast, which was good, but in the wrong direction. It hit my friend in the face. There was a lot of blood and the entire time that we were driving to the hospital, she was screaming that she was going to die. Her smile is lopsided now, but despite all of this, somehow we’re still friends!”

Kate Anderson, junior (frisbee golf) “During one practice at the beginning of January, we were doing a drill that worked on covering our own blockers. In the tournament the previous weekend, I had let a lot of the other team’s “tips” (short balls) drop, so I went to practice with the mindset that I would not let that happen again. I don’t remember much, only that I saw a short ball coming, and not having the agility to run to it (because of my knee), I threw my entire body in the air hoping some part of me would make contact with the ball. My teammate also went for it, swinging at it with one fist. I felt a sharp pain as she hit me in the side of my jaw, and the next thing I remember was that I was laying on the ground, my entire team gathered in a circle around me. I didn’t know where the girl that hit me went, but she returned 10 minutes later with bandaids on all her knuckles, because my teeth somehow cut into the skin on the back of all of her fingers. My coach wanted to call my parents to have them come get me and bring me to the hospital, but I couldn’t remember their phone number, so I just waited until I got driven home by a teammate at the end of practice. Needless to say, the doctor diagnosed me with a concussion later that night.”

Molly Mendel, senior (volleyball)

One of the highlights of this season for the girls’ cross country team so far was their annual trip to Iowa for the Pleasant Valley Invitational. Every girl who ran 300 miles over the summer had the opportunity to participate in it. “Iowa is so fun because you really get to know your teammates and the race course is super challenging. It’s always a great trip,” said Bruns. The hills are actually named “The Exasperator” and “The Incinerator.” Other team traditions include “Fun Friday.” On one particular Fun Friday, “The entire team was split up into smaller teams that competed in a scavenger hunt in which we had to take pictures of our group in front of five designated locations. It was a super fun bonding activity!” said O’Connell.

To prepare for the upcoming championship meets, the focus shifts from physical training to getting in the right mindset. “We are going to start tapering soon in preparation for the upcoming championship meets. Most of our hard miles and workouts were done throughout the summer or earlier in the season, so now it is mostly about trusting in our training and staying healthy until the end of the season!” said Willmert.

No matter what the outcome of the Edina girls’ cross country season will be, they have already impressed us all with their dedication. “Our team has worked so hard to get where we are; our coaches are amazing at what they do and the girls have sacrificed so much to get to this level. I know the best is yet to come!” said Willmert.

“We’d be nowhere without chocolate milk, Matty G [Varsity Coach], and the continued support of Bekah Barnes,” said Bruns.

Edina’s Cross Country Team poses for a picture after a successful race

photo courtesy of Edina Cross Country

If you have not had the chance to witness an Edina Girls’ Cross Country meet, you’re missing out. The excitement and encouragement exuded by friends and family of the runners at the finish line is extraordinary. Not only is the atmosphere great, but the team’s performance is exceptional. “We’ve swept two meets: first place in Middle School, C, JV, and Varsity which shows how deep our team is and how we’re just going to keep improving! Currently we’re ranked first in the state and twenty first in the nation, but I think we’re going to keep climbing up those national rankings as the season continues,” said Senior Captain Rose Bruns.

Though most think of cross country running as an individual sport, teamwork is essential because everybody trains together and races together. Moreover, to score the lowest amount of team points (which is the goal of a meet), each runner must have a strong finish. The emphasis on teamwork has helped the girls’ cross country team succeed this year. “The team has great dynamics this year. Everyone has been working really hard day in and day out, and keeping up positive energy throughout the grind. Also, as a team we really work together, motivating and pushing each other,” said Senior Captain Kitty O’Connell.

Although it can be an exhausting sport, cross country is incredibly rewarding. “I love bonding with my teammates.

You learn so much about each other just from running together every day and pushing each other. I also love the feeling of accomplishment you get after completing a tough race. It makes all of the hard training worth it,” said senior captain Talia Willmert.

Anna Gratzer features editor

photo courtesy of Nico Joy

Madeline Marker public relations editor

Sports Injury Horror Stories

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HUMOR

Tanner Jones Uncovers: The Substitutinati Tanner Jones staff writer

photo by Nate Saunders

October days are precious and few, and I was glad to �ind myself enjoying an especially crisp autumnal evening. I had just returned home from a long day of school, and nothing sounded more appealing than putting my feet up and procrastinating. I settled down, pulled out my phone, and was ready to browse memes, when something stopped me: a whisper in the back of my mind. Something just wasn’t right. Something was off. I remembered �irst hour Latin when a substitute teacher had been present. I remembered the feeling, the sudden overpowering sensation of supremacy; I felt the substitute’s consciousness in my hands and witnessed his insecurity as a fellow student told him, “No, that wasn’t due today.” We hadn’t even gotten past attendance that day. We hadn’t done anything. It felt so right, but I knew it was so wrong.

The sub was entertaining, but thinking back it felt like he was almost too incompetent. Did I miss something? I leaned back in my chair, a classy Cuban* clenched in my teeth. Benedict Blowing the top off of the conspiracy was possessing me; time to bring out my inner Sherlock. I needed to know what had happened during class…how was he so misled? I sat at my desk for hours, thinking strenuously but nothing stood out. Eventually, I gave up. I resorted to mindlessly watching Snapchat stories, until suddenly the whisper returned. The �inal segment of a classmate’s story was a still of my Latin class, captioned “68°” and “chilln w/ sub mr t.” But there was something more. A blurred shape in the background, was that could that be - a triangle?

My mind was racing. This went deeper than I thought. It all suddenly made sense! Why

meteors always land in craters, and why the winners of arcade games always have the initials AAA. The moon landing, JFK’s assassination, Obama’s Nigerian birth (WAKE UP AMERICA), the color of the dress, why and where Victoria hides her secret… all the pieces were coming together, and it all went back to substitutes.

This was it! I was on to something! I grabbed a pen and began to scribble out my thoughts. This wasn’t new. This was as old as Bernie himself. A doctrine, passed down by the ancients, a justi�ication for substitute abuse. It all was in the triangle. What is sub short for? That’s right: submarine. Where do submarines go? Water. What rhymes with water? Hotter. Who is hot? Kate Upton.

How many letters are in Kate Upton? Nine. What is the square root of nine? That’s right, three. It couldn’t be a coincidence.

But my questions still were unanswered. I went deep into the web, not trusting anyone, selling a lie for a lie, learning as much as I could without telling too much. I arranged a meeting with someone on the inside. We met at a park bench, never looking at each other, speaking in hushed tones.

“They try to tell us that subs deserve respect,” he said, “it’s all lies. If you don’t want to work in class, you won’t work in class.”

“I have so many questions, Herr Baron,” I said.

But with that he was gone, saying only, “They may take your life, but they can never take your freedom.”

I left the encounter with my mind in a jumble. The words of Doc Loc echoed in my mind, “It all comes down to legacy.”

What is the legacy of a substitute? I thought back to the greatest subs of my life: Senor Batres, Mrs. Coon, etc. What is the legacy of a substitute? I just wasn’t sure.

Substitutes, where do they come from? Where do they go? Where do they come from?

Cotton Eye Joe. *This article is intended to be humorous. I do not condone tobacco use.

Dudes, Chicks, and Babes: the Lost Art of Pick Up Lines

photo by Nate Saunders

“You’re under arrest...for stealing my heart!”

“Hey girl, you a squirrel? ‘Cus you’re driving me nuts!”

Hugh Cashman news editor Pick up lines are truly a lost art. Technology has greatly changed the art of wooing. It has caused guys to get complacent in their flirting and has really given girls a chance to step it up. Since cell phones have become commonplace, boys have taken a hit in terms of creativity and overall respectability of their tactics. “Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven?” has been replaced with “Netflix and chill?” On the other hand, it’s empowered girls in the world of flirting; they have the opportunity to do more than smile and twirl their hair.

Girls love to text. Texting is the number one tool for girls to show interest in their prey. It

all starts with the initial greeting. You know exactly where the conversation is headed after the first word. There is a big difference between “Hey,” and “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy :).” Girls, this play doesn’t go unnoticed. Depending on the reaction, the hunt may soon be over. When the imminent “what’s up?” is dropped, be honest, yet creative and quirky in your response. There’s a big difference between “I’m just driving around listening to music,” and “I’m cruising through my city with the windows down, blasting Prince, and soaking in the last of an amazing summer.”

Let’s say he also likes Prince, and one of your unique quirks lines up with one of his. In that case, dinner is already served.

Snapchat is quickly rising in the ranks as a weapon of woo. While texting is a great way to get to know someone, Snapchat allows you to see the reaction of the recipient to your pick up lines. It’s almost like flirting in real life! Actually, it’s more similar to a lion seeing the fear in the gazelle’s eyes as it’s about to feast after a long and tumultuous struggle to survive in this cruel world. Pick up lines in Snapchat are more tricky than texting. It really depends on what you’re going for. Your look is essential as a complement to your words. Gentlemen, if you’re musically inclined, try wearing a beanie and a flannel. Send a ten second snippet of an original song you wrote for your crush. If you can hit those high notes, it’s not so much a pick up line as a pick up blow dart. Cha ching!

Last and definitely least, school is a prime hunting ground. Unfortunately, you have to have some semblance of normality, as it is face to face, and you have to act on the spot. As school provides so many opportunities to get your chop on, I’d recommend a more subtle approach and play it by ear as you go on. My go-to is a passing “Hi, ____ ?” It’s perfect. Mysterious, interested, and interesting. That’s what we’re going for. Any form of hi is fine, but you have to adapt to your target. “Greetings, earthling,” may garner a smile from the nerdy cutie in biology class, but it may not work as well for that skater boy or girl. If your advances are received well, you should keep building your trap and making it more extensive in the form of specific complements. Take a tip from the mom from Drake and Josh: “give a compliment and walk away.”

Pick up lines have evolved as us humans have. People don’t have to rely on lines practiced in front of the mirror now that they have cell phones. You don’t have to be smooth on the spot because you have unlimited time before you hit the send button. Texting, Snapchat, small talk at school, your arsenal is unlimited. People of Edina High School, go out there and chase your prey!

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