Issue 3 - November 2015

www.edinazephyrus.com

November 20, 2015| 36:3

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Features

NEWS

p. 4

p. 6

C U LT U R E

OPINION Humor

p. p. 12

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16

p. 15

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

The Stigma Surrounding Mental Illness Megan Hussey

human resources editor When someone approaches you with a broken leg, how do you respond? Probably with, “what happened?” or “get better soon!” Physical injuries are easy to identify, and easy to respond to.

Mental illnesses, however, are not so easy to deal with. I’ve heard numerous whispers throughout my life, people shaming others for having depression, eating disorders, or other illnesses. They suggest that these conditions aren’t real. I’ve got news for you: mental illness is real and extremely serious, and it is also not something people should

be afraid to talk about. People discouraged me to talk about my personal struggle with mental illness, saying that it could negatively affect my future by shaping people’s opinions of me.

However, I am not ashamed of my struggle with anxiety, and no one else should be ashamed of admitting their struggles with mental illness either.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, approximately 1 in 5 youth ages 13–18 (21.4%) experiences a severe mental disorder at some point. Unfortunately, mental

Online www.edinazephyrus.com Twitter and Instagram: @edinazephyrus YouTube: edinazephyrus Facebook: Zephyrus

On The Cover Gage Aulik (Cover Art) Katie Manderfeld (Header)

Zephyrus Staff

Editorial Board Audrey Sheehy, print editor in chief Erik Lindquist, online editor in chief Madeline Marker, public relations editor Megan Hussey, human resources editor

Noah Chestler, print copy editor John Osler, online copy editor Farhia Osman, art editor Page Editors Hugh Cashman Nate Saunders

Christina Orth Isabel Thompson Anna Gratzer Megan Talghader Colette Bruder Nikki Lund Becca Edgington Molly Sparrow Lillie Westbrook

illnesses are not uncommon.

However, this raises an important question: if this is something 1 in every 5 teenagers struggle with, why are people still treating mental illness like it’s something to be ashamed of?

In my own personal experience, whenever I bring up what I’ve struggled with, I get the same look of pity. I remember one specific time, the people I was with looked at me funny and just stopped talking altogether. When they started back up again, it was on the topic of homework. That is not an appropriate reaction to have when someone tells you a personal struggle they’ve had with mental illness. If I had told them I had broken my ankle, I guarantee I would’ve gotten a much more supportive reaction.

Additionally, the whispers around school are not okay. If someone confides in you about something, you should never go around and tell others about it.

What bothers me most is when someone is clearly struggling, and people make the decision for them that it should be something everyone should know. Let that person decide if they want others to know. The reason people are so ashamed of talking publicly about their struggles is because people always react the same, with pity, Staff Writers Anne Amen Ben Gustafson Tanner Jones Greta Morton Will Schwinghammer Jenna Simon

Head Staff Writer Sophie Cannon

silence, and whispers.

So, how should one respond to a mental illness? Well, for starters, avoid pity and sad, awkward stares at all costs. The only people who tend to understand mental illness are the ones who have suffered themselves, or have had someone extremely close to them suffer. So, in reality, unless you fall under one of those two categories you should probably avoid phrases like “I feel for you,” or “I completely understand.”

Instead, try saying things like, “I’m always here for you,” or “you can talk to me anytime.”

From what I’ve experienced with the latter, most people who say that really mean that you can talk to them anytime. People generally don’t share their story to get attention, they share because it’s taking over their life and they want people there to support them.

It goes a long way knowing that there are people out there you can always call. Trust me.

Responding the right way to people who open up to you goes a long way in strengthening a relationship. Next time you’re presented with someone’s story, I urge you to think before you speak.

Photographers Nate Saunders, head photographer Zoe Cheung, photographer Josie Al-Najim, photographer Artist Gage Aulik Advisor Sally Larkins

Zephyrus is a monthly publication produced by students of Edina High School; 6754 Valley View Road; Edina, MN 55439; (952) 848-3800 x3087. Zephyrus is an open forum for student expression that recognizes the First Amendment guarentee of freedom of the press, and abides by Tinker standard. Opinions published in Zephyrus do not necessarily reflect the views of the entire staff, advisor, administration, or entire student body. Submissions and letters are printed based on space available. Anonymous letters may be printed only if a Zephyrus advisor or editor knows the author’s identity. Letters should be mailed to the school or given to the advisor or a staff member. Zephyrus reserves the right to edit any letters for clarity and length.

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NEWS

New Technology Community Solar Gardens

New technology in the computer labs Christina Orth news editor

It’s a new year in Edina which means a new wave of exciting technology and features. The incorporation of the Portal, the rising popularity of Google Classrooms, “smart” wifi access points, teachers approving YouTube videos, and a new SchoolView for the 2016-2017 school year are just some of the impressive developments that are affecting or will be affecting all students and staff in the next year.

Steve Buettner, Director of Media and Technology Services for Edina Public Schools, has worked since 2010 to seamlessly incorporate technology into EPS schools’ curricula. “We have great teachers, we have books in our media centers, we have resources, and all those come to bear on a student’s learning,” said Buettner.

The Portal, aka “the toolbox,” allows students to access all of their applications in one place. The one stop home for all applications has allowed EPS to increase the security of the site and its applications. “We’re trying to have a spot where all the systems used by staff and students is accessible in one location,” said Buettner. With the help of Michael Walker, a Technology Integration Specialist, teachers have been able to effectively blend the new features with teaching. Walker specializes in taking the content that is appropriate, and turning it into a blended learning format easy for students to access and use. Technology, not to be confused as a substitute for good teaching, has allowed EPS teachers to effectively engage students in the classroom.

Google Classrooms, an application in the Portal, has become more common with high school teachers in order to decrease the use of paper. Despite the increasing presence of Google Classroom, Moodle remains prominent, as many middle school teachers opt for the multimedia features available on the parent accessible site.

Signing into “Edina-Portal” benefits you more than you would think. It allows you to access Instagram, view more YouTube videos, and it permanently signs you in for the school year. The school has wifi access points all over EHS, allowing these points to equally distribute high speed wifi to students and staff. If wifi seems to be consistently slow in a certain classroom, students or staff are encouraged to report this to the Media Center. From there, the administration will send a team to assess the situation and add an access point if necessary.

A problem many teachers and students encounter is blocked YouTube videos. EPS uses the setting “Restricted Mode” to filter out of inappropriate content uploaded to Google and Youtube.

However, 800 hours of footage is uploaded per minute, making it hard for Google to sort all the video content. If a teacher or student encounters a video blocked on the school wifi, teachers can go in on their school accounts to view the video. They then can deem the video “appropriate” on the blue tab beneath the video, and make it unrestricted for the entire school district.

For all the SchoolView addicts, do not fear. SchoolView will return for the 2016-2017 school year with only a few changes.

“Next fall, we’ll have a new information system. We will still have a SchoolView access, but it will be by a different company. Any system that we picked would be an icon on the Portal,” said Buettner.

EHS is known for academic excellence, and the new role of technology is used to add to great teaching, not replace it.

“Technology isn’t the only tool for teaching, we use it where it is appropriate. It’s not supposed to replace great teaching, but to add to great teaching,” said Buettner.

In 2013, the Minnesota government passed legislation which required the creation of a program provided by Xcel Energy that would implement Community Solar Gardens, or CSGs, throughout the state. The purpose of these programs is to construct of public solar panels, often in an area with lots of sun exposure, such as the roof of a public building.

These programs allow residents of cities with CSGs, or cities adjacent to the communities with solar gardens, to purchase subscriptions for a portion of the power obtained by the CSGs. Subscribers to the CSGs earn credit for their electric bill by paying to be a part of the project.

On April 10 at the meeting of the Edina Energy and Environment Commission, the CEO of MN Community Solar, Ken Bradley, spoke to the commission about establishing a CSG in Edina. The idea to incorporate a solar energy project in Edina has been in the works since mid-2014. Bradley said MN Community Solar would be able to develop and build the project, and it would have the potential to provide each subscriber with up to 120% of their current power.

During the July 9 meeting, the Community Solar Subcommittee of the EEC advised the city make a request for a CSG. The CSG is planned to be located on the roof of the Public Works Building, and the main purpose of the project is to allow Edina residents to become subscribers to the project so that they may use the efficient, ecologically friendly power. On August 11, the proposal to was officially approved by the City Council.

In addition to benefitting Edina residents, the city government plans to subscribe to a portion of the CSG’s

power. This portion could make up to 40% of the power provided by the solar garden. The subcommittee estimated the rest of the power could be covered either by 40 residents of Edina that were willing to be full time subscribers, or 80 residents who could be half-time subscribers.

According to the final Request for Proposal related to a CSG by the EEC after installing the system, the CSG would provide the city with up to 500,000 kilowatt-hours of energy per year. The solar garden will promote sustainable and more ecologically friendly energy, without creating a significant cost for the city. “The system has no cost to the city,” said the Staff Liaison for the EEC, Ross Bintner. “The City will lease its roof to a private developer for a modest rent payment. The developer will insure the system and the roof, so there should be no direct long term costs.”

Several benefits to the project have been expressed by the EEC, including encouraging renewable energy, decreasing the emission of greenhouse gasses, educating residents on renewable energy while allowing them to save money, and providing an opportunity for Edina to demonstrate leadership among other communities that could implement similar CSG systems in the future. As stated in the EEC’s recommendation for a Request for Proposal for a CSG by the city, “the city can be the first, or one of the first, to demonstrate that a residential community solar project is feasible…The City has a major leadership opportunity to show other public entities that a local government-hosted community solar project for residents is viable.” The scheduled construction of the CSG on the Public Works Building will begin in the summer of 2016, and residents can expect to see the benefits of solar power produced by the system in November 2016.

Structured Recess?!

Megan Talghader opinion editor

Remember the good ol’ days when going out for recess was the only thing on anyone’s mind? Now imagine that instead of having choice in how you spend your recess, there are planned games and activities for all students.

This is exactly what the school board is implementing at Normandale and Concord. Implementing structured recess means that during recess, kids will be able to select a certain activity to play out of the various choices given by the school. Each activity is supervised to make sure that children are not left out. The games chosen for the structured time like four-square or jumping rope are meant to increase the focus students have in class while also downsizing the need for disciplinary action.

Playworks, the company introducing the new way of playing, has shown that structured recess decreases bullying.

Its purpose is for children to become “incredibly successful adults,” says Shauna McDonald, executive producer of Playworks.

The district, putting trust in Playworks’s philosophy, budgeted about $30,800 to train 40 staff in supervising the playground. Their training included strategies for staff on issues such as: leadership development for both students and staff, conflict resolution, game and activity facilitation, and indoor recess.

Although many parents claim kids are proven to need free play versus structured activities, Playworks claims that there is research advocating the benefits of both. After noticing the possibilities of a balance between the two, the district focused on implementing a correspondence of both free and structured play for students, in ways that let kids be creative and explore new activities, while doing so in a safe and supportive environment.

The Principal of Normandale, Chris Holden, is already seeing some changes. Fewer and fewer students end up visiting the principal’s office and the nurse’s office after

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recess. “Every school is looking for a way to increase student activity and engagement and decrease conflict,” says Holden. This is no doubt due to Playworks, as increasing student safety is one of their main goals. By providing more adult supervision, Playworks believes students will be able to resolve conflicts more effectively.

Unfortunately, many parents do not agree with Playworks’s philosophy. At Normandale, 177 parents signed a petition to ban the firm from the school while others accept the new changes. Parents at Concord are also having a hard time adjusting. “The philosophy of Playworks does not fit Concord. It is a structured philosophy — an intervention philosophy — not allowing kids for free play,” says Kathy Sandven, a parent of twin boys who attend.

photo courtesy of Zoe Cheung

photo courtesy of Nate Saunders

Jenna Simon staff writer

Normandale is pioneering structured receess In hopes of seeing more positive improvements that can outweigh skeptical opinions, Edina Schools look to implement this new structured recess for a year. This way, if students and parents continue to be upset over new renovations, the school board can reject further partnership with Playworks.

NEWS

photo courtesy of StarTribune

The 66 West Housing Project for Homeless Youth

City counsel meeting in session Will Schwinghammer staff writer On September 1, the Edina City Council approved a plan to re-zone an area near Southdale and fund an apartment complex to house homeless youths in the Southwest Metro Area, according to the Star Tribune. The project, called 66 West, is receiving $8.3 million in funding from the state

and will create 39 studio apartments for homeless youth off of W. 66th Street near Southdale. It will cost about $11.2 million, with other funding coming from donations and grants meant for homelessness relief. Construction on 66 West will begin in the spring, turning an old TCF Bank building into apartments.

The project is backed by Beacon Interfaith, a collaboration of over 70 religious congregations working towards ending homelessness in the Metro Area. According to their website, they’ve housed over 800 residents so far, and have been helping them set their lives going again. Their website also says that between 200 and 300 young people are homeless or at risk of becoming homeless in the South Metro and suburbs, and that there is little to no other supportive housing in the area.

According to the Pioneer Press, there is concern as to whether the new project will contribute to an increase in crime. However, according to the Star Tribune, the site was picked for its easy access to public transport and entry-level medical and retail jobs to get the youths moving towards a better life as opposed to a life of crime. At a similar housing project in Minneapolis, 19 year old resident Thomas Stone said, “they tell us, ‘This is temporary, and we’re going to force you to find something better,’ and that’s what I like about it,” in an interview with the Pioneer Press. Stone only

Male Rape Center Established in Sweden Isabel Thompson in-depth editor

photo courtesy of the BBC

In recent years, Sweden has had the fourth smallest Global Gender Gap, which measures the relative gaps between women and men across four key areas: health, education, economy and politics. Their central government is committed to “taking a global lead for redefining masculinity and addressing the issues holding women back from realizing their full potential,” according to unwomen.org. Sweden’s most recent move towards for gender equality was in opening a male rape center this October. Sweden has one of the highest rape rates in Europe, reported by the UNODC, and has now started to take responsibility for their victims, men included.

This past year, 370 Swedish men and boys have made reports of sexual assault. Because male rape is considered a taboo in most countries, many cases go unreported. The clinic, Södersjukhuset, is located at South General Hospital in Stockholm and opened this October for men and boys who are victims of rape and sex attacks. “We are happy that we now can finally open the first rape clinic for men following the rape clinic for women,” said Rasmus Jonlund, a

press spokesperson for the Liberal Party.

The clinic receives 600 to 700 female and male patients a year that have been raped or sexually assaulted. Their 24 hour clinic used to only welcomed women victims, and was the largest emergency care unit in the Nordic Region.

Now that they are accepting men as well, their numbers will increase, creating a safe haven for both genders. “Our hope now is that many more of these hidden victims will also be able to get help,” says Jonlund.

The Clinic offers medical care is free of charge and is open 24/7, all year round. The Clinic provides access to doctors, nurses, psychologists, and social workers. A clinic focusing on men who have been sexually abused will contribute to the awareness of sexual abuse among men and make it more possible to meet men’s needs.

The objective is to show that gender equality is not just a women’s issue, but an issue for women and men alike. Hopefully this clinic influences others to be more aware of male sexual assault. As Sweden is the first to create a clinic like this, the hope is that it will start a chain reaction in developing the need for the care of all victims affected by sexual assault.

Södersjukhuset, the new center in Sweden

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pays $204 a month in rent, allowing him to save up to be able to further his education, make a deposit on a different apartment, or buy other necessities. The residents of the new housing project will be primarily between the ages of 18 and 22. They will be responsible for paying subsidized rent, and will have on-site opportunities to find work or further their educations, according to the Star Tribune.

This housing project is a part of a bigger push in Minnesota towards creating more affordable housing.

According to the Star Tribune, the state legislature approved $100 million in bonds for developing affordable housing projects. The Minnesota Housing Finance Agency has been working since 1971 on similar projects towards ending homelessness, and in 2014 its spending capacity was increased from $70 million to $110 million. However, this is going to be the first project aimed at housing homeless and at-risk youth in the Southwest Metro Area, according to Beacon Interfaith.

While this new housing project will help those in need, it won’t completely solve the issue. More than half of Minnesota renters pay more than the recommended 30% of their income towards paying their rent. The need for affordable housing is greater than the supply currently available, but 66 West is a promising step towards realizing that goal in Edina.

The Negative Effects of Processed Meats What’s the Sizzle on Bacon?

Tanner Jones staff writer In recent days, there has been a lot of buzz surrounding the World Health Organization’s October 24 press release. The organization’s statements said that processed meats are detrimental to human health and concluded, “Each 50 gram portion of processed meat eaten daily increases the risk of colorectal cancer by 18%.” Fifty grams is no more than 2 slices of bacon.

To many, this has come as an unpleasant surprise, since processed meats have become deeply intertwined with American culture. Bacon especially has captivated pop culture in recent years. In junior Uma Kumar-Montei’s words, “I can’t imagine life without bacon.” Unfortunately for Kumar-Montei, and many other students at EHS, the WHO thinks life would be much better off without bacon.

This is not to say that the WHO’s studies are not indisputable. As with all scientific research and statistical analysis, it is often difficult to make entirely concrete statements.

Furthermore, it is almost impossible to validate claims regarding life and death. Though the basis of the study has merit, the WHO’s findings simply cannot be extrapolated to all cases. For example, Susannah Mushatt Jones, 116 years old and the oldest woman alive, swears by a bacon-daily diet.

A common question that has arisen with, as social media is calling it, #bacongate is: what exactly is processed meat? Processed meats are defined as anything of meat or a meat byproduct that has undergone more than cutting or grounding. This means that many commonplace foods including bacon, sandwich meats, sausages, and hot dogs are all considered processed meats, and according to the WHO, potentially carcinogenic.

By no means does the WHO advocate total withdrawal from a carnivorous diet, since there are many positive effects of a meaty diet as well. Meats are known to supply protein, necessary for healthy bones and muscles. Additionally, evolutionary studies have shown that meat has a positive influence on brain development.

Nevertheless, this research shouldn’t be entirely disregarded. Overconsumption is a chronic problem in American society, not exclusively in the arena of food. The common obsession with constant absorption of media and entertainment is definitely detrimental to health. This, in tandem with a diet rich in meat has led to numerous negative outcomes: notably the childhood obesity epidemic.

Hence, despite counter-evidence, the WHO’s findings should not be forgotten. Not only do the organization’s statistics speak directly to American society, but a reduction in meat consumption certainly cannot be unfavorable due to the potential for a decrease in carcinogenic substances.

It’s weird to think that just a few years ago, it wasn’t very common for someone to have a smartphone. Nowadays, it’s just the opposite. People are constantly taking selfies, scrolling through social media, or playing games—so much so that most of the math department requires students to leave their phones in little pouches at the back of the class to avoid distractions.

But there are Edina High School mavericks that are fighting against this trend, whether it’s by choice or not. These free spirits are still doodling in their notebooks to combat classroom boredom instead of playing Doodle Jump under their desks. The few. The proud. The kids without smartphones.

Some students have no issue with their current cellular device situation, and that’s because there are more advantages to having a non-smartphone than you’d think.

“I don’t want a smartphone because they’re bigger and don’t have physical keys,” said sophomore Karin Deverder, owner of an LG flip phone. Junior Lydia Reiner, owner of a Motorola WX345, doesn’t have one due to laziness. “I’ve had this phone since 6th grade and just haven’t really wanted to change things up. I don’t think I would make good use of a smartphone if I had one, and being one of the few still rocking a flip phone in 2015 makes me unique and inexplicably cultured.”

Another benefit of not having a smartphone is not having to carry a phone charger with you. “I only have to charge my phone once a week, which is pretty awesome,” said senior Tyler Eckberg, who recently broke his iPhone beyond repair and is using a flip phone as a replacement.

The biggest service that not having a phone capable of accessing the internet provides is the lack of distractions. “It’s good because I don’t get easily distracted by my phone,” said senior Sarah Stefanic, owner of an LG Cosmos 3.

Whether one has a smartphone or not, kids will always find a way to stay stimulated. “In class, I’m either texting or there’s this really bad app game that is somewhat entertaining, but it’s usually last

resort,” said senior Preston Follestad, owner of a Samsung phone that has a touch screen but no internet capabilities. Other students are a little more responsible. “I try to never play games in class. If I’m bored I’ll start doing homework from other classes.

As a last resort there was always a 2 minute UNO demo installed on my last phone if I needed it,” said sophomore Bobby Scalia, who had an Alcatel slide phone with a keyboard until he just recently caved in for an iPhone.

“I like life with an iPhone much better than life without an iPhone. It’s much more connected but much more distract[ing] as well. Before, I was constantly missing important information because texts were slow, or wouldn’t get through,” said Scalia.

Kids without smartphones either have social media, but never use it, or find other modes of accessing it. “I have an iPad and a laptop so I can access [social media sites] from there.” said Follestad.

In the end though, as rare as they are at EHS, students without smartphones are the same as the rest of us, except possibly a little less self-absorbed.

“My friends tease me a bit, saying that I’m opposed to change, but it doesn’t really affect me, since my phone can still do things like send messages and check the time,” said Deverder. “Not all people without smartphones hate change.”

Maybe it’s time for those of us with smartphones to look up from our screens and smell the roses.

“Seriously though, if I can find somebody who isn’t glued to their phone and have a decent conversation with them, it ends up feeling a lot more fulfilling than playing Candy Crush,” said Reiner.

photo by Nate Saunders

Erik Lindquist online editor-in-chief

Student texts on flip phone with no internet access

Police Dogs Protect Edina Police Dogs work tirelessly to keep Edina safe!

Nicki Lund culture editor We have all see cute police dogs in TV shows, sniffing out suspects, finding missing kids. But what about the police dogs in our own backyard? The Edina Police Department has its very own K-9 unit, founded in 1972 when Officer Doug Madsen had the idea of starting the canine unit in the department. He started training a 20-month-old German Shepherd named Jet, and the K-9 unit was born.

There are currently two dogs in the canine unit.

Both dogs were imported from Europe to join their handlers in the United States. The basic handler course is 12 weeks and the narcotics detection course lasts three weeks. They train regularly with other canine units in the area. To become certified Patrol and Narcotic Detection dogs, they have to go through training that meets the standards as set forth by the U.S. Police Canine Association.

“The Edina Police Canine Unit consists of two teams,” according to the Edina Police Department website. One is Blitz, a two and a half year old German Shepherd, the other is Blade, a seven year

old German Shepherd. Blade has been on the team since March 2010, while Blitz has only been on the team since Febuary 2015. Both dogs live with their handlers. Canine Blitz lives with Officer Sean Young and canine Blade lives with Officer Jason Behr.

Before Blitz and Blade, there were Kodiak and Diesel.

Kodiak was a German Shepherd that worked on the force for about eight years. He retired in 2010, and passed away in 2014, at the age of 14. Diesel was a German Shepherd that was on the force from 2006 to 2014. He lived to be 10 years old, passing away in January 2015.

These dogs are trained to perform many tasks.

“The dogs are trained to be prepared for anything and everything,” according to the Edina Police Department website. They are trained in agility, apprehension, article and evidence searching, building searches for hidden criminals, handler protection, obedience, tracking for fleeing criminals or missing persons, and narcotics detection (such as cocaine, crack cocaine, heroin, marijuana, and methamphetamines).

These police dogs are trained to protect and serve Edina, and they are doing a wonderful job at doing just that.

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Inked at Edina Sophie Cannon head staff writer Henna fades, flash tats are old news, and Sharpies wear off within a week. So the only real option for a lasting tattoo is to go down to the tattoo parlor and get the real deal. At Edina High School, though you won’t usually see full sleeves or huge colorful tattoos, there are a few students with amazing works of art on their bodies, some hidden and some not so much.

Since many students wait until they are of legal age (18) to get a tattoo, the majority of interviewees were seniors at EHS. Steven Asplund, a senior, has two tattoos, both of which tell a story. “[The first tattoo is a] memorial for my grandmother who passed away in 2003. Our family is fairly religious so it was fitting that I got a cross with R.I.P. across it and ‘Cindy’ down it with a banner wrapped up that says ‘forever loved forever missed.’ It helps me keep her in mind with everything I do. That one is on my left inner forearm,” said Asplund.

Kelly Johnson, another senior at EHS, is the proud owner of a new tattoo in the shape of Minnesota. “I don’t think all tats need to have some deep story behind them. Basically I just love Minnesota, so I got a tattoo of it.

Simple as that,” said Johnson. She got her tattoo as her 18th birthday present, so her parents were on board.

Senior Spencer Morgan got his tattoo for his birthday as well. “It was actually my birthday present from my mom. Pretty much everyone in my family has a tattoo so it’s very accepted in my family,” said Morgan. His tattoo is of a lion in black and white on his right shoulder.

Lastly, senior Eileen Jackson just got her first tattoo at the start of this month: a 3 inch bumblebee between her shoulder blades. “‘I’ve always wanted to get a tat and I love bees and pollinators so I thought it was a great way to express my love,” said Jackson.

While tattoos can be a great way to express yourself, honor someone, or to serve as a daily reminder, many others view tattoos as silly, gross, or even disrespectful to one’s body.

Tattoos can complicate the job finding process. Many people think that employers will not hire someone with a tattoo, especially if it is visible.

“I didn’t want it to be visible because of jobs I may have in the future.

Personally, I don’t think tattoos give off bad vibes, but I know that not everyone thinks that way,” said Johnson. While Morgan thinks tattoos are works of art and self expression, he concedes, “As for a job denying you because of a tattoo, that makes more sense. You are representing them and your appearance reflects the entire company.” Asplund adds, “It’s more or less what kind of tattoos you have, because people with skulls and stuff might be a little more intimidating than someone with Darth Vader on their calf.”

All in all, the four students interviewed do not regret their decision in the slightest. Surprisingly, every one of them is considering, or has plans, to get their next tattoo. For anyone reading this article and feeling inspired to go and get one, the students at EHS have a few words of wisdom. “They don’t hurt nearly as much as people say. If you’re thinking about getting one but aren’t because you think it’ll hurt a ton, don’t worry about it!” said Jackson.

“If you’re looking for a good place to get a tattoo, check out Evolution Tattoo in Bloomington,” said Morgan.

photo by Nate Saunders

FEATURES S m a r t e r -T h a n -Yo u -T h i n k P h o n e s

Senior Spencer Morgan has a tattoo of a lion on his bicep

Diving deep into drugs

IN-DEPTH

Noah Chestler print copy editor Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief Jenna Simon staff writer Ben Gustafson staff writer

all art by Gage Aulik

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FEATURES

T hrough the Archives - Veterans in Edina Irish Dancing with Sammy Ausman In honor of Veteran’s day, this issue we at Zephyrus went through the 70+ years worth of archives to see how Edina High School has reacted to our nation’s wars and the men and women behind them throughout the years.

May 1945: An opinion piece criticized the American media overall for over-reporting on the events of World War II, saying that the news stories on the massive war were sensationalized and an outlet for foreign propaganda.

May 2, 1975: A review of the film “Hearts and Minds,” a documentary showing actual footage from the war in Vietnam, illustrated the declining national confidence in our military in the late 1970s.

Written only a month after the war officially ended, the review by student Dave Harding simultaneously admitted the one-sided narrative of the film and illustrated the horror of the war portrayed in it.

“Although it’s not high on amusement and its views are contrary to those held by many, any person concerned for the fate of others as well as themselves would be affected by the movie,” Harding wrote.

October 12, 2001: Coming on the heels of the attacks on the Twin Towers, this issue of Zephyrus featured three full-length articles concerning the attacks and their effects. The front page article, “Terror Shocks Nation” by Kenton Kivestu, was a straightforward explanation of the attacks along with descriptions of individual moments in the lives of students and teachers when they heard the news. It also included a graph of students’ opinions of how the U.S. should retaliate, with the vast majority favoring action by “small special forces” or “diplomatic resolution,” while a notable minority suggested, “nuclear/biological warfare” or “full retaliation.”

The results of that survey were analyzed in the next article, an opinion piece entitled “U.S. Should Refrain From Military Action” by Eric Fish. Fish advocated the “no action” route, an option almost no students chose in the poll. Arguing against a vengeful, hasty war, Fish said the then-theoretical military action would, “kill a thousand people in order to find and kill one.”

The third and final article, “Uniting Against Bigotry”

by Nick Green, illustrated the hypocrisy of lashing out at Muslim Americans in the wake of 9/11 by focusing on the story of Muslim EHS student Anita Husen.

photo by Josie Al-Najim

February 22, 2013: Reporting on recent military news in the article “Ban on Women Lifted,” thenOpinion Editor Haley Morrison went in-depth with the issue, describing the arguments for and against the change by those inside and outside the military.

Morrison featured many quotes from former junior Sophia Reyes, an EHS student enlisted in the Army Reserves who hoped to benefit from the recent decision.

“Now that the military moves closer and closer to equality with allowing women in combat,” Morrison wrote, “all we can do is wait until these changes are finally implemented and look forward to future changes in the ever-evolving 21st century military.”

The Edina Memorial Statue Garden

Behind the Scenes with Mama H ill Rebecca Edgington culture editor

Junior Sammy Ausman is a dedicated Irish dancer. Zephyrus sat down to talk to her about her dance career thus far.

Zephyrus: How long have you been dancing and why did you start?

Sammy Ausman: This coming spring will be the end of my eleventh year. I started dancing because I sort of hated ballet when I was younger. It was too slow and I just didn’t really like the classes.

I saw an advertisement for Irish Fair and was like, “I’ll try this Ausman performing out!”

Zephyrus: What is your favorite part of dancing?

S.A.: My favorite part is how dancing is different than a lot of other sports. You could do team sports and you could do solo sports, but not a lot of other sports offer both [like dance.] Also, it’s also artistic and very athletic, so you get cardio, strength training, and everything else.

Zephyrus: Do you have any interesting experiences or stories?

S.A.: Once I had the stomach flu during one competition. I was super dizzy, I got caught in the cords, and I fell off the stage.

Zephyrus: I heard you’ve traveled frequently, where are some of the places you’ve gone?

S.A.: I’ve traveled all over the world to all these different places that are amazing. I’ve been to Killarney and Dublin which are both in Ireland; Glasgow, Scotland; London, England; Montreal, Canada. And almost every single state in the US. Z e p h y r u s : What is a common misconception of Irish dance you would like to debunk?

S.A.: When people think of Irish dance, they think it’s sort of a weak sport where you just kinda hop around stage. But, no, you’re sprinting for a full two minutes. It’s super intense, I train all year round and the thing is you put two or three hours a day [of practice], and your performance is 40 seconds so you put years and years of work into [a mere] 40 seconds.

Zephyrus: How often do you practice or train?

S.A.: I have class once a week on Wednesday and my teacher flies in from Chicago, I have two teachers and they switch off. I have class on Sunday, which I help teach, and I also teach a class with kids twice a week. I practice by myself an hour each day and I try to do cross training an hour a day too.

Mama Hill has been working at EHS for ten years, so something very unique about her job was getting to see the Edina Performing Arts Center being built. “It was difficult while under construction. All of our costumes were put in huge storage containers outside, so during shows I’d have to get a head lamp, go out in the freezing cold, and thaw the lock to open them, just go find costumes. It was like that for about two years, but worth it in the end,” she said.

“One of the best parts about my job is having alumni come back to work with students in current shows. Teddy Hoffman is here right now [for ‘Peter and the Starcatcher’], along with Tony Matthes, Jr. [Anthony Matthes’s son], they have all gone on to be professionals now, it brings back great memories.

Those were the days when the high school offered theater curriculum, because it’s very impactful to have theater as part of the core curriculum,” said Hill.

Mama Hill is a strong believer that theater classes for stage acting, theater literature, and crew are essential in the development of students and thespians alike. “Those were the days when we had playwriting, directing, acting, etcetera.

Every year more classes were done away with until it was completely gone,” she said. Mama Hill strongly believes that, “[these classes] need to get back into the curriculum. You can use theater training in every field you could ever specialize in,” she said. It not only trains actors and crew members, but theater teaches teamwork, positive social skills, public speaking, and opens the students to a whole new type of literature. “I went into the arts and auditioned for theater because I had a fear of speaking in public theater helped me overcome that. I was a

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public speaker for twenty years after that, traveling all over the country and speaking because of that training,” Hill said. Mama Hill would like to see theater classes brought back as English credits. “It attracts more students and trains actors and crew members further than one production could,” said Hill.

Mama Hill cherishes all the students she gets to work with.

She has outstanding talents and anyone who works alongside her would agree she is irreplaceable to the students, staff, and the productions they create.

Mama Hill likes to say theater is like childbirth.

“It’s so much work and it can be very painful, but the end product makes it all worth it, and also makes you forget the pain so you want to do it all over again.”

Hill in the Costume Department

photo by Nate Saunders

Amy Hill, commonly known as Mama Hill to the thespians at Edina High School, is in charge of all the hair, makeup, and costuming for every show at EHS. She works alongside Anthony Matthes, the EHS Thespian Director and producer, Set Constructor, Bob Sedoff, Choreographer Jolene Konkel, Vocal Director Dr. Beverly Claflin, Tech Director Josh Brand and countless others who put in hours and hours of work to train cast and crew members and to put on an outstanding show.

But Mama Hill’s Job is quite unique. Her office is made up of the entire costume shop at school where she sews and stitches for hours and for countless productions. She is in charge of making sure they look the part and that is harder than it looks.

She in charge of hair, makeup and costumes for the high school and she helps with the middle school shows. Besides her work in Edina, Mama Hill works at theater companies in the Twin Cities including Walking Shadow Theater Company, The History Theater, Joking Apart Theater Company, The Road Less Traveled Theater, and she has collaborated on dance pieces with alumni Britta Peterson and did work on many Fringe shows.

Mama Hill just recently finished “Glenn Sean,” the musical for the History Theater. “It’s a true story and a murder mystery but somehow turned into a campy musical,” said Hill. “The biggest show I ever did for them was called ‘The Whale,’ and I built from scratch a believable fat suit for someone who was 6’5’’ and had to look 600 pounds…that was by far the hardest costume I’ve ever had to build,” said Hill.

Farhia Osman art editor

photo courtesy of Sammy Ausman

John Osler online copy editor

OPINION

Has Thanksgiving Lost its Meaning?

Head-to-Head

Thanksgiving Remains Traditional Sally Larkins Zephyrus advisor

art by Olivia Chen

I grew up in a different state from the rest of my extended family, so for me, Thanksgiving has always been a time to reunite with family, catch up, and, of course, to eat. My mom would start cooking early in the morning; the rest of us would gather around the television and watch our favorite holiday movies. When the meal was served, we would go around the table and say what we were thankful for before digging into a big, beautiful meal.

As I’ve gotten older, Thanksgivings have changed in big and small ways. Older family members have passed away. My sister and I now both live away from home, which makes it harder to get everyone together around the same table. But despite these changes, the spirit of our celebrations has remained intact. Despite the rise in recent years of America’s obsession with Black Friday shopping, I still firmly believe that for most of us who celebrate the holiday, the spirit of Thanksgiving is intact.

For me, Thanksgiving has never been about looking forward to a big shopping spree the next day. I have never partaken in any sort of Black Friday shopping and know few people who have. Sure, I know a couple friends who have gone out to buy a new TV the day after Thanksgiving. But for the most part, my friends and family still celebrate Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way: with

food, family, and gratitude. When I ask friends what they are doing for Thanksgiving, without fail, they tell me who they’re spending the holiday with, not what they’re planning to buy at Wal-Mart. They tell me what new recipe they’re planning on trying out, not how early they plan on getting in line at Best Buy. The numbers make it impossible to deny that many, many people shop on Black Friday.

“But I strongly believe that Thanksgiving is one of the least commercialized holidays Americans celebrate all year.”

love. There is no Thanksgiving equivalent of the Christmas stocking or the Easter basket. Thanksgiving, unlike the hypercommercialized holidays we celebrate throughout the rest of the year, is not about getting new things, but about celebrating what we already have.

And the numbers show that Americans might be figuring out that camping out in frigid temps outside the local shopping center isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The National Retail Federation reported that 5.1 million fewer people went out shopping on Black Friday in 2014 than in 2013, a 7% decline.

The NRF’s survey also found that Americans spent less over last year’s Thanksgiving weekend than in the past. Yes, online shopping traffic over the holiday weekend has gone up, but that means that more people are choosing to snag deals from the comfort of their own home, munching on a slice of leftover pie or turkey, rather than trampling over grannies to get a new juicer in person.

For my family, like many, Christmas is mostly about gifts. Birthdays and Valentine’s Day, too, come with stress about what everyone’s giving and getting. The Halloween and Easter displays at Target are all the evidence you need of how commercialized those holidays have become. But the only gifts my family (and I’m guessing yours too, if you celebrate Turkey Day) exchanges on Thanksgiving are the gifts of togetherness and

That’s reason for hope, isn’t it?

Believe me, I am as disturbed by the stories of Black Friday stampedes and wrestling matches as much as the next person. And I certainly think that America needs to curb its materialism and obsession with things. I myself am guilty of equating having the right stuff with having a good life. But Black Friday is not Thanksgiving.

And Thanksgiving, for most of us, is still Thanksgiving. Sure, come November 27th, scores of Americans will get up at the crack of dawn to get their paws on a marked down Xbox. But look for them on November 26th and I bet you good money they’ll be standing at the stove, sitting at the dining room table, or sprawling on the couch, eating, drinking, and being merry with their loved ones, the thought of a new Xbox flitting on the farthest periphery of their gratitude-filled, tryptophansaturated minds.

Thanksgiving has Lost its Meaning Anne Amen features page editor November heralds the return of many Thanksgiving-themed trends, including the re-emergence of the Twitter hashtag #imthankfulfor, a dramatic increase in turkey purchases, and the return of pumpkin pie ingredients to the end caps of grocery stores across the nation. Overall, it would appear that the spirit of Thanksgiving is still going strong in the United States.

The increasing consumerism of Black Friday has begun to pull attention away

many major retailers including Apple, Target, Walmart, and Macy’s will open Thanksgiving afternoon. Not only does this mean that queues will begin to form before some families have put the stuffing on the table, but employees at these stores must come to work when they should be celebrating a holiday with their family. With frantic mobs of people pushing through the doors, retailers can’t afford to be minimally staffed. Therefore, opening a store on Thanksgiving prevents people from celebrating even if they have no desire to get caught up in the Black Friday madness.

If this problem was caused by individual choice, it could be fixed much more easily.

Instead, it is caused by the societal message that it is never enough to be content with what you have. Instead, the focus is on attaining the new best thing, whether that be a phone or a pair of boots or a set of dining chairs. Everything has become an object of consumerism, and because of that, each year becomes harder and harder to maintain the mindset of Thanksgiving: taking time to be grateful for the things you have. Even if you have no interest in risking your appendages in a fight to the death for the last prize on the

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shelf, it is impossible to escape the media, the hype, and the attention given to it. The true meaning of Thanksgiving is buried under the avalanche of smartphones and Keurig coffee systems.

art by Olivia Chen

“But pumpkin pie migration patterns aside, how many of these “traditions” really mean anything anymore?”

from what we already have, and towards what we don’t have. Pick up any ad from the astonishingly thick pile that comes with your Sunday paper and the message retailers are sending is instantly obvious: get Thanksgiving over with as quickly as possible and get in line for our special doorbuster deals, right now! This mentality has been hyped up to the point where people literally bust doors down after waiting in line for hours in the cold, all because they want a discount on a $20 movie or a sweater that would have gone on sale eventually. Television hasn’t helped, and it seems like every ad represents store after store vying with each other to be open first, to have the best deals, and to attract the most customers.

Of course, not everyone is coerced into binge-shopping on Thanksgiving. However, this doesn’t mean that it’s not a problem.

According to a 2013 National Retail Federation survey, 25.4 percent of those surveyed said they were shopping by 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving night. By 2014, the number predicted to shop on Thanksgiving had risen to 28 percent. Despite a slight backlash from stores who refuse to open on Thanksgiving,

OPINION

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby Let’s Talk About You and Me

“Slut,” “whore,” and “easy” are words we all hear on a daily basis. But who are we targeting with these slurs? What are we referring to? What do these words accomplish? Very different attitudes surround girls and boys when it comes to their sexuality.

To start off, girls and boys are taught different things about sex from the beginning. For example, in EHS health classes girls are told that sex is physically painful for them and solely emotional. While on the other hand, boys are told that sex feels great and that girls are fragile beings to be treated with the utmost care. While it may seem that boys being told to treat girls like gentle creatures is a positive thing, this message actually hurts both sides.

Yes, respect is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. But by putting all the responsibility of care on the boys, girls are put in a position of submissiveness that stops them from exploring healthy sexuality. If a girl is stopped from making the first move, from telling her partner what she wants, from saying how she feels about sex, she is incapable of being in control of herself. Girls need as much freedom as guys have in regards to sex in order to have positive sexual experiences.

Our society teaches us that girls and boys are different, and want different things from an intimate relationship. Girls want emotional support, they want to move slow, their virtue is something they won’t give out willy-nilly. Boys only want one thing, they’ll push for it and stop only when the girl gives in.

But what happens if a boy wants to move slow? And what if a girl wants to explore? This is where those awful words come into play. Girls who experiment and are honest about how they feel are called “easy” and “sluts” because society has portrayed the idea of women having power over their own bodies as wrong.

Furthermore, the entire concept of virginity as something precious to keep until the right time does more harm than good.

It’s especially detrimental to one group of people: rape victims.

There are thousands of girls (as well as boys) who “lose their virginity” to their rapists each year. That special gift wrapped in silk saved for their wedding night is torn from them, and the stigma surrounding losing it at a young age still follows them.

According to a Minneapolis freshman who experienced rape at a young age, she tries to have many positive sexual experiences that happen on her own to disassociate that with the trauma she has been through.

So before you tell boys that girls are fragile, and before you tell girls that sex has to hurt the first time, think about what you

It’s complicated... talking about sex

The Pet Problem art by Megan Talghader

Cafeteria Crisis

are teaching them. A person’s body is their own prerogative, and while education on safe sex is important, what we are taught about the emotions surrounding it is often messed up.

Before you judge a young girl for exploring her own sexuality, think about the double standard you are perpetuating. Sex is something complicated, personal, and every single human has a different definition for it. So instead of pulling out the old “boys will be boys,” try letting both boys and girls experience positive (and safe!) sexual encounters.

photo by Nate Saunders

Lillie Westbrook humor editor

Dealing with Poor Lunchroom Etiquette Madeline Marker public relations editor

The bell rings. Class is over. Most Edina High School students head straight to their next class, perhaps stopping occasionally if they pass a friend in the hallway en route. However, other EHS students meet in the cafeteria, and it’s not just one group of friends that does this. There are at least fifty students who meet there, rendering the cafeteria as an unpassable route. Attempting the journey to the other side requires being forceful and deft in one’s movements. One has to be willing and able to push others aside and dodge oncoming traffic. What makes it worse, is many students choose to go around the congregated groups in the cafeteria, which adds to slow-downs in the circle hallway.

Personally, I do not think it is necessary to meet after every class in the cafeteria. I understand that you want to see your friends between class periods, and you may not see all of your friends throughout the day. Thus, for many, a generalized meeting place is the rational solution. However, the large mass of people who do this make the cafeteria

area practically useless as a mode to get to class. The struggle that accompanies crossing the cafeteria is not worth the shortened walk. “It’s too crowded and I feel violated while passing people,” said senior Claire Petersen. The influx of people has caused avoidance and longer trips to class. “It makes it harder to get to class because I try to avoid the lunchroom,” said senior Regina Fricton.

Besides creating more problematic routes to class for EHS students, I honestly do not understand the need to meet with your friends for seven minutes between every class period.

What could you possibly have to discuss during those seven minutes that is better than getting to class? After each period doesn’t it get cumbersome and boring? If you have something pressing to discuss, I understand. But if it’s some gossip from the weekend, can’t it wait? Or be passed along by text?

I don’t oppose people meeting between classes to talk with their friends, but when such a large quantity of people are meeting in the same area, space becomes limited and impedes other students from getting to class.

Audrey Sheehy print editor in chief I get it. You love your dog, your cat, your guinea pig, bird, snake, or whatever other pet you have roaming the halls of your home. And I know, you will be completely devastated when that animal dies. It is sad when a long-time companion passes away, but at some point, I think we all need to realize that our pets are just animals. Let me clarify: your pet is not a human.

Technology has advanced our society so much, that we no longer have to worry about obtaining the basic necessities we need to live. Now, we have more time to divert our attentions elsewhere to important things like breeding “teacup” animals that can fit in handbags and buying little booties to put on our pets’ paws so they can walk outside.

In our culture, we put way too much significance on the lives of our animals. It amazes me that the world can get outraged over the death of a single animal, when thousands of people, malnutritioned children, and adults stuck in countries with political instability are dying every day.

Where is the world’s outrage for them?

Where is the world’s mourning for them?

If you go to your search browser in your

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phone right now, you will be able to find a Wikipedia page for “Cecil the Lion.” If you read the first introduction sentences, you are essentially reading a human’s obituary. To me, this is ridiculous. Quite frankly whether or not you believe this lion’s death was an accident (which is an entirely different tangent), the fact that we are blurring the lines between the lives of animals and humans is sad. What it really is, is deflection from tragedies involving humans that people don’t want to face.

Animals’ lives are never as important as humans. Animals are on this Earth for the sole purpose of helping humans. That being said, obviously animals are a gift that we need to respect. I’m not arguing that we should let endangered species die, kill and poach every animal in sight, destroy animals’ habitats, perform brutal lab testing on them, or abuse them because we can, but even Native Americans, whose cultures are more entwined with nature than many a self declared environmentalist, realized that animals were at their disposal.

As a culture, we need stop treating our pets like humans. We need to stop imagining there is such thing as “rights for animals.”

Animals do not need “a voice.” They need to be taken care of and respected, allowed to die when their time comes, and that is all.

CULTURE LG B TQ S TA R C R O S S E D LO V E R S Greta Morton staff writer

photo courtesy of IMDb

Fun things to do in the 612

Lillie Westbrook humor editor As Edinians, we’re lucky to live so close to the fast, exciting energy in the Twin Cities. Many of us jump at the chance to go visit the stores in Uptown, run around the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (MIA), and explore the ruins at the Mill City Museum.

Here are some more (not so) hidden gems of Minneapolis to check out the next time you step out of Edina’s city limits.

Looking for somewhere to get lunch with your friends on a Saturday? Or maybe a coffee shop with the perfect ambiance for studying? Located on Nicollet near 26th and 25th streets, Eat Street is the place for you!

For starters, this place has the perfect mix of ethnic food and new twists on old classics. Places like Quang, Krungthep Thai, and the champion of all restaurants, the Jasmine Deli, are all perfect places to stop in for some authentic Asian cuisine.

May I suggest a heaping bowl of Pho and fun bubble tea now that the weather has turned chilly?

If you’re not feeling the rice noodle vibe, Eat Street serves different palettes as well. Eat Street Social makes the best brunch and Glam Doll Donuts isn’t just a place to grab some imaginative flavored treats, their atmosphere is half the fun.

Make a day out of it: Eat Street is

conveniently located just blocks away from the MIA, so you can plan to fill up before exploring at the art museum!

If you’re looking for a neighborhood with rich history full of people who love to tell it, go to Northeast Minneapolis.

First and foremost, you can’t throw a rock without hitting an artist around here.

Come May, the streets will be packed at the yearly three-week long Art-a-Whirl. The neighborhood is dotted with galleries to explore year-round as well. Bonus: many of the artists haven’t hit their big break yet, so there’s a good chance you can talk to the featured artist at an opening!

Northeast is also pocketed with places where perogies and wurst is on the nightly menu. Slavic and Germanic influences bring delicious tastes of eastern Europe.

Minneapolis’s very first church, Our Lady of Lourdes, is located on Lourdes Places right next to Nye’s Polonaise Bar. Make a day out of it: start off with brunch and a ferris wheel ride at Betty Danger’s, then work your way around the historical buildings and galleries. For those budding artists out there, this is the perfect place for you!

The neighborhood surrounding Powderhorn Park and Lake is definitely more residential than the previous two, but its charm is easily accessible nonetheless.

Located around Bloomington and 34th street, this hippie-dippie district is full of

things to do.

Now that winter is here, Powderhorn Lake is an ice skating haven. A warming house is set up on the lake to provide warmth mid-skating session. Also, the community center offers free classes in anything from pottery to yoga. But springtime is really when Powderhorn comes alive.

The famous May Day Parade concludes in Powderhorn Park. This progressive performance is put on by the community and Heart of the Beast Puppet Theater. It ends with the spectators surrounding a May Pole and coming together in peace. Also, the Powderhorn Art Festival in spring is the perfect place to buy handmade items and get delicious food.

Anytime in the warmer months, food trucks offering mostly Mexican cuisine swarm the area. Spicy, delicious tacos and burritos are hard to resist when walking around the park. And an easy way to warm up in the winter is in the famous Matt’s Bar. Their limited but classic menu is a perfect place for dinner. The number one item to try is the Juicy Lucy, a burger with the cheese inside the beef patty.

Make a day out of it: brighten Bear the cold to skate around the lake with periodic stops in the warming house. Then, warm your hands (and your mouth) with the nationally recognized Juicy Lucy at Matt’s Bar.

TRUTH BEHIND DOWNTON ABBEY AND ITS OBSESSERS history lessons. In the first season alone, the show discusses topics like the Titanic sinking in 1912 and England’s blossoming women’s rights movement. The nice thing about this show is that the producers make the lives of the characters intertwine with the events that happened back in the 1920s, which makes it fun to learn about history.

After watching, you can have riveting conversations with your history teacher

Nikki Lund culture editor

“Downton Abbey.” It’s the topic of every bridge club for middle aged women.

It’s what your grandparents are discussing at every family dinner. You hear constant whispers of “so-and-so’s fiance is dead!” or “so-and-so is having an affair with a servant!” You have never understood what all the hype about this over-dramatized British soap opera. But you also have never given it a try, so you can’t be making judgments.

I’m here to tell you why you should be watching this wonderful show.

First a little background.

“Downton Abbey” is a show set in the 1900s in Yorkshire, England. It Title screen for Downton Abbey follows the Crawley family, which consists of Robert and Cora Crawley, about the last episode (which you just have Robert’s grandmother, their three daughters, to talk about with someone).

Another reason why you should be Sybil, Edith, and Mary, their love interests, watching “Downton Abbey” is because and the servants that work at the estate. It of Maggie Smith. In Downton, she plays follows their scandals, heartbreaks, and Dowager Countess Violet, Robert’s mother. tragic deaths. Yes, it does sound like an You may know her better from her role overly dramatic British soap opera, and in a in the Harry Potter series as Minerva way it is. People get completely obsessed McGonagall. In the show, she is known with this show, myself included, but not for for her snarky quips and comments that the wrong reasons. hit straight in the heart. Yet, in some rare “Downton Abbey” is chalk full of

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moments of kindness, she plays a lovable grandma that her granddaughters go to for advice on everything. People should be watching the show just for her character.

The drama doesn’t end with the family though. The downstairs staff is another element to what makes this show so brilliant. The estate employs about 40 servants ranging from maids, to footmen, to cooks. The staff has their share of the drama, so it’s a two sided front.

There is a relatable character for everyone. This show definitely doesn’t keep the suspense and secrets to just the wealthy.

The best part about “Downton Abbey” (or the worst part, depending on how you look at it), is that it’s scarily addictive.

The show has been known to cause people to binge watch all 5 seasons in less than a month, without being able to stop. It’s the perfect combination of everything that you’ve ever wanted in a TV show: the characters, the drama, the costumes, the dialogue, the swift and deliberate pace. This show will suck you in and never let you out of its claws, because every time you try to stop, something will cause you to press that “next episode” button. You’ve been warned.

Catch up on the past seasons on Netflix (DVD) or on Xfinity before the final 6th season premieres on PBS on January 3rd. photo courtesy of Netflix

“Two households, both alike in dignity / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene / …

A pair of starcross’d lovers take their life / Whose misadventured piteous overthrows / Do with their death bury their parents’ strife.” so begins William Shakespeare’s classic tale, “Romeo LGBTQ Romeo and Juliet Poster and Juliet.” As the renowned story goes, the children of two feuding households fall in love.

The young Romeo Montague and the adolescent Juliet Capulet work to keep their relationship a secret from their families, only to come to a disastrous end.

In the 420 years since the tragedy was written, over 30 film versions have been created. But recently, a new short film has emerged with a different take on the storyline. This version features four perspectives: male Romeo and female Juliet, female Romeo and female Juliet, male Romeo and male Juliet, and female Romeo and male Juliet.

This new motion picture by Hazart Films premiered on a Wednesday night at the Frameline39 San Francisco LGBTQ International Film Festival as part of the Bi Candy Shorts program. It was written and directed

by Kyle Hasday and Matt Stewart (jointly credited as “Hazart”) and was produced by Elizabeth Collins and Nav Singh. This 13 minute film stars Troian Bellisario and Will Braske as Juliet, and Brandon Crowder and Tinuke Oyefule as Romeo.

The short film does not cover the entire plot of Shakespeare’s play, but only portrays one specific scene.

“Still a Rose” takes the timeless balcony scene and transforms it into a contemporary portrayal of love: a depiction with no regard to race, gender, or sexuality.

These four pairings intertwine and alternate throughout the film.

When asked about their opinions and experience when filming, the actors say their reactions in the different pairings played an important role in telling the storyline. “It was really just about being present with Juliet in response to her different Romeos. How was Tinuke’s Romeo different to me than Brandon’s Romeo?” said Troian Belissario in an interview with “Bustle,” a cultural news site. Bellisario continues, “It was interesting because that’s ultimately not up to me…

In one take, the camera could be on me and I could be reacting to Tinuke, but they might pair it with me and Brandon… That’s up to the filmmakers to decide which sort of reactions they wanted.”

As for the name of the film, it comes from the play itself, a reference to the famous line: “What’s in a name? that which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet.” Hazart expresses that the rose, in their point of view, represents all kinds of love. Their goal was “to show audiences that all love -- no matter the gender, attraction or creed -- is equal, beautiful and valid.”

“Still a Rose” is not yet in theaters, so keep your eyes peeled for any screenings at a local film festival.

BEYOND THE BUBBLE: Minneapolis

L e t ’s S e e a M o v i e !

Best Movie Theaters to go to When You Want a Change experience,” said Anders Lindborg, a senior who frequents Uptown Theatre. Movies can be seen from either of the two decks in the theatre while relaxing in one of their many deluxe seats. “The Minnesota premieres many exciting movies in theatre was nice and comfortable. It felt like you a variety of genres each month. Most Edina High were at a home movie theatre,” said Lindborg.

School students prefer attending films at either If the indoor movie-going experience is not for AMC Southdale or AMC Eden Prairie due to their you, head to Vali-Hi driveconvenient locations. in located near Lake Elmo However, the Twin Cities Minnesota. Edina students offers many theatres for boldly venture outside the people who don’t want the bubble to attend movies at traditional movie-going this location for its many experience. appealing qualities. “I Mann Hopkins Cinema wanted to experience a 6 is a movie theatre that drive-in movie. It was an won’t break your budget. adventure,” said senior Movies are offered for Carmela Murray, who has the reasonable price of attended movies at the Valithree dollars for general Hi drive-in. The Vali-Hi admission and two drive-in allows customers dollars and fifty cents to enjoy a multitude of for matinees. Hopkins movies in the comfort and Theatre, as it is commonly quietness of their own cars. referred to, screens Additionally, the theatre second-run movies. This features a concession stand allows it to be “cheaper with items such as hot dogs and gives you a chance and soda. Furthermore, it to see a movie you may has a small arcade with have missed when it games to play while you are first premiered,” said waiting for your movie to senior Grace Mendiola, start. The Vali-Hi drive-in who attends this theatre enables people to connect often. It gives you the while watching movies. “It’s opportunity to catch a great new experience,” a popular movie that Mann Hopkins Cinema 6 located on Mainstreet said Murray. has already left AMC Minnesota has a vast number of individual theatres but has yet to be added onto Netflix. “It’s a movie theater where EHS students can watch really good theatre,” said Mendiola on her overall movies and broaden their horizons. Next time you commentary about Hopkins Theatre. want to see a film, consider attending a classic at the Another great place to see movies at in the Uptown Theatre, or gathering a group of friends and Twin Cities is the Uptown Theatre. This theatre watching a movie from the comfort of your own offers a variety of unconventional movies such vehicle at the Vali-Hi drive-in. You could even be as independent and classic films that cannot be nice to your wallets and attend a three dollar movie watched anywhere else. “ It is a good cultural at Mann Hopkins Cinema 6. photo by Josie Al-Najim

Colette Bruder opinion editior

CULTURE

Craz y for “ C r a z y Fo r Yo u ! ”

Review of EHS’s Newest Musical Anna Gratzer features editor

Edina High School’s fall musical, Crazy for You, features many talented thespians, dancers, singers, and musicians alike. Starring talented juniors Jack Fischer (as Bobby Child) and Maxine McCormick (as Polly Baker), the musical is set in a small town in rural Nevada during the 1930’s.

Protagonist Bobby Child, the son of a wealthy banker, journeys from New York City to Nevada to foreclose on a bank, where he falls in love with sassy Polly Baker.

Through many jazzy tunes and several outstanding dance numbers, the audience follows young Bobby as he attempts to woo Polly by impersonating a famous elderly choreographer.

McCormick’s excellent Nevadan accent helped establish the setting, and her many witty jokes had the audience in stitches. However, it was her spectacular singing voice that left the audience speechless. McCormick has been taking voice lessons for 5 years and has been dancing for 13 years. Her training certainly showed during her solos. The elderly woman sitting next to me during the musical was in tears after listening to McCormick’s voice during “Not for Me.” Similarly, Fischer had the audience roaring with laughter, and his tap dancing was amazing. His opening solo, a combination of complicated tap moves and powerful vocals, started the show with a bang. His ability to switch between a Nevadan accent and an Eastern European accent was also very impressive.

Additionally, his role was difficult to act; Bobby is charming yet quite uncertain of his future. Not surprisingly, Fischer effectively portrayed all of these emotions.

The vibrant costumes and colorful set were both artfully designed. Neither the lighting nor the audio had a single flaw. Overall, the production felt very professional. The pit orchestra was excellent, adding to the production without stealing the spotlight.

Crazy for You is sure to entertain most audiences. However, there are several swear words in the script which might not be appropriate for elementary school age audience members. Additionally, the song “What Causes That” was slightly insensitive towards depression as well as suicide. At one point, the number mocks the idea of a character photo courtesy of Tony Matthes jumping off of the Brooklyn Bridge by joking that he is so upset after being rejected by a girl.

That being said, there’s no doubt in my mind that the production deserved its standing ovation. It was truly an excellent performance, and Cast members dancing in “Slap that Bass” another grand success.

O h L o o k ! I t ’s C o f f e e O ’ C l o c k !

Top Five Places to Get Coffee Outside of Edina

Molly Sparrow sports editor

Are you sick and tired of getting a grande, single shot, 4 pumps, sugar free, peppermint, nonfat, extra hot, no foam, extra whip, stirred, white mocha at Starbucks every time you go?

Or maybe you have had enough reduced fat cranberry orange scones from Caribou to last a lifetime? The truth of the matter is, if the baristas have your drink ready for you when you walk in, it’s time to switch it up. There are so many coffee shops outside of Edina that provide different flavors, new experiences, and unique atmospheres. Whether you are looking for a soothing setting to get your homework done, or just a hipster Instagram picture, the diverse Twin Cities has the perfect coffee shop for you. After doing some research, I made a list of the top five coffee shops to try.

In fifth place is Bob’s Java Hut on 27th and Lyndale. Bob’s Java Hut offers a retro-rock ‘n’ roll style spanning from their tattoo shop

on the upper level to their motorcycle wall art.

One of the walls is a garage door, so in the summer it opens up to give the Hut a very open and relaxed vibe. “I have been to Bob’s Java Hut a few times, and it always is such a fun experience because it isn’t your basic coffee shop,” said junior Sam Black.

Fourth place goes to Uncommon Grounds for their unique location of a remodeled 1877 Victorian house in the middle of Uptown Minneapolis. If you are looking for a different setting to enjoy your coffee in, then this is the place to go. “Uncommon Grounds is so different than most coffee shops, it’s such a fun place to go with your friends. Its setting is unique, and their chai tea is so good,” said junior Owen Forker.

Kopplin’s Coffee located on Marshall Avenue is third because of their neighborhood feel and their outstanding drinks and baked goods. The shop is inspired by European

coffee houses, which gives it a very laidback and inviting aura. The shop focuses on transforming organic produce into great-tasting food, as well as giving back to the community.

Kopplin’s donates 1% of their cash sales to local organizations and hosts community organizations’ events. “I love Kopplin’s Coffee! Their drinks are so good. It is a great place to get homework done, and their organic ideal and community outreach makes buying their products easy,” said senior Shannon Bach.

In second place is Bull Run Coffee Bar, located on Lyndale with another location on Nicollet. This coffee shop gives the relaxed and welcoming classic feel. The space is very modern and spacious, and they roast their own coffee beans, which makes all their drink simply delectable. The coffee art is perfect for a VSCO picture, and they have a variety of drinks (from a simple vanilla latte, to a

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bacon maple morning pick-me-up). They believe in supporting the coffee farmers. “Bull Run Coffee Bar is such a fun and laid-back atmosphere which makes it perfect for getting my homework done. Their drinks are so good too,” said sophomore Kristina Collins.

The best coffee shop in the Twin Cities, however, goes to Five Watt Coffee. Five Watt Coffee focuses on providing the best experience possible to their customers. They provide an atmosphere for everyone, whether you are looking to get some work done, learn brewing techniques, or socialize with the employees. This coffee shop is known for having the best drinks in the Twin Cities area because of their variety, taste, and appearance.

“Five Watt Coffee has hands down the best coffee in the Twin Cities. The employees are so friendly and it’s good to get out of Edina occasionally,” said senior Bethany Aydinalp.

SPORTS

What’s That? Triple Threat Ben Gustafson staff writer

Megan Hussey human resouces editor

Being a captain of a sport takes time and dedication.

Senior Talia Willmert is the captain of three sports: cross country, Nordic ski, and badminton. Zephyrus caught up with her to see how she manages.

Zephyrus: How long have you been playing each of these sports?

Talia Willmert: I’ve been doing cross country and Nordic for five years, and badminton for four years.

Zephyrus: Are they any changes or goals you have for Nordic or badminton?

T.W.: For Nordic, I’d really love for the team to qualify for state because that hasn’t happened in a really long time. For badminton,

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Nordic skiiers taking off at the start of their race

photo courtesy of the Alpine Team

“First of all, Nordic is just a bunch of dweebs. They think they’re so much better than Alpine because they just skate across the snow. Their whole sport is just leisurely strolling across the barren Minnesota landscape, whereas Alpine is a high intensity, adrenaline filled, obstacle course. We don’t have time to mingle with the fools on Nordic because we have a state championship to defend,” said senior Robby Saunders.

Nordic skiers have started to fight back, stating that Alpine doesn’t require as much physical exertion and Nordic skiers are equally as skilled at skating downhill as Alpine skiers. “Nordic is better because it is full of a great group of guys and gals who are fun to be around. The sport is more physically taxing than Alpine which makes it a lot more rewarding when you finish a race or a hard workout. It’s also a well known fact that Alpine skiers are killers of innocent baby seals which is just a horrible act. And let’s not forget how Alpine skiers use social media to attack the innocent middle schoolers who do Nordic with hashtags such as #youprobablydonordic,” said junior captain Max Kuhs.

The battle between the two sports continues on. Now it’s up to you to decide. Which sport is better?

Zephyrus: Do you have anything else to add?

T.W.: I just love all of the teams so much!

All of the people are so nice and it makes it so worthwhile and fun.

photo courtesy of the Nordic Team

Recently, there has been a lot of debate about whether Alpine or Nordic skiing is the better sport.

To give some background, Alpine skiing is downhill skiing where the skier must go around a set of gates in the shortest amount of time. There are different types of events that downhill skiers participate in like Slalom and Giant Slalom. Nordic skiing is cross country skiing where skiers go through a course in the shortest amount of time. There are two types of Nordic skiing: skate and classic.

The Alpine skiers have started a twitter war versus Nordic which relies heavily on stereotypes of Nordic skiers, including their lack of sociability and athleticism. They usually end each tweet with #youprobablydonordic.

“Alpine is far superior to Nordic for many reasons, the biggest being that we ski down steep hills at fast speeds using skills rather than trying to run on little sticks through the snow on flat ground. In addition, we look cool when we fall and Nordic just doesn’t. We’re also just a hotter team as a whole, and if you don’t think so, or you think rec specs look good, #youprobablydonordic,” said senior Carly Denn.

Zephyrus: What do you think makes a great captain?

T.W.: I think someone who always tries to be inclusive and extends out to people. Also someone who is willing to take initiative and go above and beyond for the team, more than just showing up to practices.

Zephyrus: I know the cross country season is coming to an end, so what are you, as one of the Wilmert competing hard like she captains, proud of from this does in all her sports. season?

T.W.: The varsity girls got first at sections for the first time ever which is really exciting, Zephyrus: How do you balance all three so they’ve had an awesome season. Also, our sports? team has had a really great environment this T.W.: It can be hard sometimes because they year. Everyone’s been super inclusive and really overlap a lot, but I’ve been doing them for so nice. I love being a part of that community. long that now I’ve learned to prioritize. It’s just a normal part of my schedule.

Zephyrus: With Nordic and badminton yet to start, what are you looking forward to?

Zephyrus: Is it difficult to keep up with all T.W.: I’m just really excited to spend more of your academics? time with my teammates and seize my last year.

T.W.: It can be, but like I was saying I’ve Both teams have a lot of young talent, so I think been doing them since 8th/9th grade. It can be a we will just keep getting better and better so challenge, but for me it’s been all about learning I’m super excited to see that. to prioritize for what’s most important.

Alpine Vs. Nordic Madeline Marker public relations editor

it’d be awesome if we could get third or above for state this year, since we placed fourth last year. I also am hoping for badminton that we can have a more inclusive environment, because it’s been hard in the past to keep all the grades in the same gym.

photo courtesy of Talia Wilmert

Think of a sport, any sport. What comes to mind? Hockey, soccer, basketball, football? Edina has a long tradition of excellence in many sports, but it’s time to shine the spotlight on some of Edina’s lesser-known teams. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: mountain biking, horseback riding, figure skating, and bowling.

Mountain biking is a sport in which racers attach wide tires to their bikes and peddle into the unknown depths of Minnesota’s forests. As of this year, it is officially an Edina school sport, so racers can letter if they meet the criteria. For most Edina High School students, biking is an activity of leisure or transportation, not competition, but “[Mountain biking] takes insane amounts of training and dedication . . . This can be proven. Ask any biker to flex his thighs (not directly, or you will be judged), and you’ll notice that our legs are almost completely muscle,” said sophomore Sebby Frimat, who grew up racing mountain bikes in the French Alps. Mountain biking may seem foreign to many students because Minnesota isn’t exactly full of mountains, but mountain biking is not limited to mountains, just rough terrain.

Next, horseback riding is a sport in which riders work together with powerful mammals to conquer challenges. Since Edina isn’t considered a rural area, neither horses nor wide open spaces are common.

Horseback riding is a school sponsored sport at EHS but is run by a private organization called Minnesota High School Equestrian Association, so it is possible to letter based on competition scores. It is a sport with a wide range of disciplines including racing, jumping, and running barrels. Working and training while riding a horse requires a great deal of mental and physical perseverance.

“Many people think the horse does all the work, but they should try riding a horse over a few jumps and they’ll think differently,” said senior Riley Christianson.

Figure skating is a sport in which athletes perform specific jumps and spins to music on skates. Figure skating is a sport with four disciplines: singles, pairs, dance, and synchronized. Skaters are judged based on their overall skill, execution of elements, and musical interpretation. It isn’t school sanctioned, but skaters can letter by being a member of Braemar City of Lakes Figure Skating Club and proving that they have competed and practiced a certain amount of hours. Kids start competing as early as 3 or 4 years old; it’s a huge time commitment.

“Figure skating is extremely difficult, but also super fun! It’s a lot of work to perfect elements throughout the season, but once you do, it’s super fun to be able to add to them and perform them really well,” said sophomore Emma Clark.

Lastly, bowling is a sport in which people try to accurately roll fairly heavy balls down 60 feet of oiled wood to knock down an array of pins. Edina Bowling is an independent club, although bowlers are able to letter. Although bowling can be played by just about anybody for fun, to master the sport takes strategy, precision, and instinct.

“It is hard to determine how much your ball will curve, and it is hard to repeat your throw every single time. When you are first starting, it is pretty difficult to figure out how the pins fall when the ball hits them in different ways . . . and most importantly, it can be somewhat difficult to keep the ball out of the gutter,” said sophomore Daniel Van Hoomissen.

Athletes in these more unconventional sports have countless things in common with more “traditional athletes”; they all compete, strive to improve their mental and physical skills, and are driven by their passion.

Andrew Shideman racing for Alpine

HUMOR

The Secret CrimeFighting Double Life of Edina’s Janitors Hugh Cashman news editor

What is Zephyrus Thankful for? collectively, the Humor Homies Zeph staff I’m thankful that the all consuming void we accidentally created in the back of the pub room hasn’t gotten any bigger. - John Osler

I’m thankful for the great computers in the pub room. -Nate Saunders

I’m thankful for Madeline, and loose shirts. - Erik I’m thankful for Gage’s People think the life of a janitor is wash, rinse, Lindquist kind remarks. - Gage Aulik repeat. Day in, day out, an everyday grind, a constant I’m thankful that routine. While that may be true during the day, I’m thankful when after two years of hiatus the epic battle starts at night. That’s when janitors the toilet paper faces I’m thankful for the sandwiches we’ll finally get a whole violently rip off their green polos to reveal their the right way. - Audrey in my lunch, and Ben Gustafson. I am thankful that there are 9 new hour and a half of superhero capes. The real dirty work starts and ends Sheehy Madeline Marker seasons of One Tree Hill.

Anna Sherlock. - Annie Amen with a common enemy. Lunch room spills, bathroom Gratzer thrills, hallway chills, and bloody rooms after calculus I’m thankful for the tests-- everything pales in comparison to “him.”

I’m thankful for Isabel’s Moodle Messenger. - Megan Who is he you ask? He is all consuming, ever I’m thankful for the mice in turtlenecks.

- Christina Orth Hussey elusive, but always watching. While you’re skipping the pub room. They add a little from class to class, while you’re twerking on the wall excitement. - Ben Gustafson in the commons for a snap, while you’re taking mirror I’m thankful for every minuet I I’m thankful that the mouse selfies sitting on the sink (you know the kind), he’s spend working for Zephyrus. - Jenna visited us that one day and that Erik there (and above 18). You may think you’re alone, Simon tried to kill it with Hugh’s backpack. but he’s there. You may not hear him crawling on I’m thankful for when movie - Nikki Lund the floor beneath you, or his breath oozing from tiles theatre employees don’t question I’m thankful for the above, but he’s there. You may not feel him scurry I am thankful for eyebrows the food I’m obviously trying to feeling of stress and as he brushes past your ankles in Chemistry, you on fl eek. - Greta Morton hide under my sweatshirt. - Megan I’m thankful for flirting at red disappointment that hangs may not see him stealing lunch from your locker, but Talghader lights. - Isabel Thompson over the pub room like he’s there. You may not smell him leaving a single a damp towel. - Lillie salty turd at random locations, and you may not feel I’m thankful that my dark lord, I’m thankful for Lillie Westbrook his presence, but he’s there. While your ignorance Bathlomet, is represented in such Westbrook’s sick socks. - Farhia is utterly disgusting, your bliss is preserved by our I am thankful for Windigo glorious Italian stone. - Hugh Osman noble janitors. They sacrifice their sanity, and in a few - Murray Friedberg & Molly Cashman unfortunate cases, their lives to protect us from this Sparrow I’m thankful for when movie maniac. Armed with mops, clear eyes (covered by theatre employees don’t question protective eye gear of course), full hearts, and an array the food I’m obviously trying to I’m thankful for curves of deadly chemicals, these janitors have yet to banish I thoroughly enjoy hide under my sweatshirt. - Megan (on people and especially on the scourge of our school. earlobes.

- Tanner Jones I’m thankful for reliable Talghader tests). - Sophie Cannon For what is this battle raging you ask? I don’t wifi connection. - Colette know. What stands at the center? To that I say, “Our Bruder I’m thankful for the I am thankful for for the yoga studiosouls, offered up to the ageless one, only to be torn in camaraderie we have with like calm that pervades the pub room twain.” Him. The janitors. It’s like you can’t have one I am thankful for the Windigo. It’s great to have a during second hour, for the peace and without the other. As long as his influence pervades, straightening of Hugh Cashman’s united publications staff. - Will quiet and lack of yelling the Zephyrus we need the janitors to keep fighting. Only their divine hair and the six seasons of Gossip Schwinghammer staff bring to their work. - Ms. Larkins Windex will wash our bodies clean. But how will Girl I got through in this class. that divine Windex reach us with the thick clouds Becca Edgington of indecency that he pollutes upon our poor souls?

Afterall, he’s got everyone fooled.

Who was in charge of the famous Homecoming Chemical Spill of 2010? The Sadie Hawkins Fire of 1963? Who is responsible for your homework going missing last hour? HA! HAHA! Your insolence makes me question my own life. I hear you muttering it, “Say it, JUST SAY IT!” The janitors? NO! You’ve got it to protect his privacy, showed remorse for his excess democratic John Osler III all wrong. How dare you look upon my darlings with participation. online copy editor shame. Just as Lucifer possesses his victims, he’s got “I didn’t want to!” wailed the seventeen-year-old EHS student. “I you bamboozled. I haven’t got much time before he just went to that party for a good time, but before I knew it everyone Dozens of teens were arrested at an Edina house on the night figures me out. Not even the janitors can save me now. of November 3rd after police arrived on the scene, responding to was pressuring me to keep on filling out ballot after ballot for School I may as well say it. He is going to get me. He is...

Board Candidate Amir Arnold Gharbi! By the end of it, it was just a complaints by neighbors of loud music and impassioned political THE WEASEL. trippy blur of paperwork and democracy!” speeches. During the raid, police found fake IDs, absentee ballots, “I Needless to say, this student learned his lesson.

Voted” stickers, and other voting paraphernalia.

“No need to call in a detective for this one,” said Police Chief Tony Griggs. “Just another group of promising youngsters ruining their lives with binge voting.”

Binge voting is when citizens, often underaged, excite the pleasure centers in the brain by voting as many as twenty or thirty times in a single night. The harmful and illegal practice is on the rise in the Twin Cities, with more than fifty percent of Edina High School students partaking in binge voting.

“The kids we managed to catch that night were totally out of it,” said Mr. Griggs. “Pupils dilated, heart rate twice what it normally is, just wired out of their minds by the thrill of fulfilling their civic duty countless times over.”

When asked what will happen to the offenders, Mr. Griggs said, “Oh, they’ll be fine. Maybe pay some small fines, along with a few months at rehab where they’ll learn self control, decision making skills, and a healthy dose of political apathy.”

Zephyrus got the exclusive opportunity to interview some of the A young life destroyed by voting. youngsters currently behind bars. One of them, known as F. K. M. The weapons of our warriors.

Cops Crack Down on Underage Binge Voting

photo by Nate Saunders

photo by Nate Saunders

Political Apathy at an All-Time Low Among Youngsters

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