Planetary Communiqué

The Planetary Communiqué is a section reserved for the dissemination of official intergalactic communications from our galactic overlords to the subjugated planets and territories. The editorial staff does not endorse or hold opinions regarding the content of such communications. Frankly, we lost several of them who did! Therefore, Hojack requires compliance with all opinions and edicts issued by the Galactic potentate and its politburo.

The human quest to shoot down balloons seems to be one of the greatest punchlines this side of Andromeda. Your Glorious Overlord Grawth watched with the greatest enthusiasm as balloons from his niece's birthday party were floated to your stratosphere, triggering an international crisis, and resulting in panic, disarray, political finger-pointing and posturing. The funniest part was watching you get all worked up to the point of triggering your planetary defenses (as if this is really a thing).

As your humble Underlord Hojack, I've been observing the latest news about your puny planet's obsession with the unidentified flying objects (UFOs), and let me tell you, it's been a source of great amusement for us.

The mere fact that you still debate whether there is intelligent life beyond your own planet is hilarious. The universe is debating whether or not there is intelligent life on your planet. About 85% of folks here strongly believe there is no intelligent life on your planet, and another 10% firmly believing that a human is just about as smart as a doorknob. Another 4 percent believe that doorknobs are smarter than humans. Approximately 1% erroneously responded to the survey thinking they were registering for the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes. Larry, who lives by himself in his mom's basement in a planet just off of Alpha Centauri, was the only respondents who indicated that he believed humans were 'intelligent.' However, during a recent interview with the Galactic Enquirer, he admitted that what he meant to say was that humans were 'intransigent' and that, as luck would have it, he happened to have had a stroke at the exact time he was responding to the poll. He also added that he thought he was registering for the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes.

Your primitive attempts at exploration of the cosmos have shown us time and time again that you are nothing but a comic relief for the rest of the sentient civilizations in the galaxy.

Let's be honest, if we wanted to conquer your planet, we could do so with ease. We would not be sending balloons, but war ships to raze your puny little planet.

But why bother when you entertain us so much with your little games? It's just too funny to ignore. Sure, you can say that you're still trying to understand the possibility of extraterrestrial life, but your limited understanding of the universe is laughable. The vastness of space is far beyond your comprehension, and your technological advancements are so primitive that you can barely even reach your own moon. It's not just your lack of capability that makes you fail at exploring the unknown. It's also your internal political and social dynamics that hold you back.

Your governments and private organizations bicker and squabble, never able to agree on a clear direction or purpose for your efforts. You'd rather waste your time and resources chasing UFOs instead of using them to advance your own civilization.

What could be funnier than watching you launch a multi-million dollar air-to-air missile to bring down a helium balloon! What's next? How about launching multi-million dollar rockets at space pinatas or 'alien' satellites?

It is obvious that there is something seriously wrong with your ability to cognate.

In light of recent events, your Overlord Grawth has decided to issue the following edicts:

Edict #1

All humans shall be required to report any UFO sightings to their respective governments. However, we know that your governments can't be trusted to handle such sensitive information. Therefore, all UFO sightings shall be reported to us directly.

We will distribute devices which we will call a "UFO Tracker," and every human shall be required to carry it at all times. This will enable us to keep a closer eye on your futile attempts at understanding the universe. The "UFO Tracker" will have the shape of a tin foil hat. You have to wear it at all times.

Edict #2

Your elected officials are required to attend meetings carrying balloons when they feel a pressing need to interrupt the lead speaker with lewd gestures and shouts. Their attire should include feather boas or other dead lower life forms to assert their intention to interject. This will allow our recorders to focus an oculus on them to catch every nuance of their lascivious and immature behavior during recitations. They are a source of digestive amusement for our friends on Demeter 7,whose reactions we record as well as they roll in fungus. This edict was first demonstrated at a recent State of the Ha! Address. Compliance is mandatory.

Edict #3

In honor of your fascination with UFOs, all humans shall be required to celebrate "Alien Day" on the first day of every new year.

During this holiday, all humans shall be required to wear costumes that represent their favorite extraterrestrial species. We know that your obsession with the unknown is never-ending, so we might as well have some fun with it. It's just another reason to laugh at your primitive ways. This will allow real aliens to visit your planet and walk around undetected. Is that octopus-looking creature a real alien from the outer rings or is that Dave who works at the gas station with a clever home-made costume? You'll never be able to tell! Just remember, the octupoid lifeforms always get a little peckish right before sunset.

You will forever be limited by your own mental limitations and hindered by your own internal divisions. You cannot tell a party balloon from and alien craft or from spy craft. It is only through the beneficence of your Glorious Overlord that you are allowed to continue your pitiful existence at all. So go ahead, keep chasing those UFOs, and keep amusing us with your little games. We'll be watching, and we'll be waiting for the day when you finally realize the futility of your efforts. Until then, keep us entertained, humans. You have nothing better to do.