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-Y NAME IS NOT IMPORTANT 4HE VOICES OF THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD CALL ME BY NAME CAN T REACH ME HERE 4HE PEOPLE ) CAN HEAR WHERE ) AM NOW DON T USE MY REAL NAME -Y AGE WOULD BE A LIE BECAUSE THE WINTERS ) HAVE EXPERIENCED WERE COLDER THAN USUAL JUST AS THE SUMMERS WERE HOTTER AUTUMN WAS ALWAYS LONGER AND SPRING SHORTER ) WAS LOOKING FOR A HOME WHERE THE SUN COMES UP "UT JUST WHEN ) THOUGHT ) D MADE IT THE HORIZON DISAP PEARED AND LEFT ME WANDERING AROUND IN THE DARKEST NIGHT .OW ) VE COME FULL CIRCLE AND ) M BACK WHERE ) STARTED
-Y FEET ARE SORE FROM THE STONES ) STUBBED MY TOES ON -Y HANDS ARE COVERED IN A HORRIBLE RASH INFECTED BY THE THINGS ) TOUCHED WHEN ) WAS FEELING MY WAY THROUGH THE DARKNESS ) FEEL TIRED -Y EMOTIONS ARE MORE RESTLESS THAN BE FORE BECAUSE A HEART TAKES LONGER TO DIE WHEN IT S GONE COLD .OT A DAY PASSED WHEN ) DID NOT SEE INJUSTICE VIO LENCE CLICHÏS AND LIES GET THE UPPER HAND !ND ALTHOUGH ) MANAGED TO KEEP MYSELF FREE OF THE IMPURE FEELING OF HATE ) STILL FELT DESTRUCTION SPREAD THROUGH MY SOUL ) AM WITH THE &OREIGN ,EGION 4HE CONTRACT BOUND ME TO OBEDIENCE FOR lVE YEARS
TO SERVE WITH HONOUR AND ALLEGIANCE TO THE POINT OF DEATH ) SOLD MYSELF TO THIS ALTHOUGH ) DON T KNOW WHO OR WHAT LED ME TO DO IT 7HAT CAN POSSIBLY MAKE A PERSON SERVE A FOREIGN COUNTRY IN A FOREIGN PLACE UNDER A FOREIGN NAME AND BE WILLING TO DIE FOR THEIR CAUSE 4HE HARSHEST PUNISHMENT IN THE &OREIGN ,EGION IS RESERVED FOR DESERTERS !LTHOUGH IN REALITY EVERY LEGIONAIRE IS A DESERTER DESERTING LIFE ITSELF %VERYONE WHO JOINS THE ,EGION HAS A CRACK IN THEIR SOULS BEFORE THEY JOIN "UT IN THE &OREIGN ,EGION THIS CRACK GROWS TO A RIFT AND NOTHING BUT DEATH CAN CLEAVE THAT RIFT 7E WERE ALL RUNNING n RUNNING AWAY FROM SOME THING OR OTHER 3OME WERE RUNNING AWAY FROM PRISON SENTENCES OR lNANCIAL PROBLEMS OTHERS WERE RUNNING AWAY FROM FAMILY OR DIFlCULTIES /THERS SIMPLY WANTED TO ESCAPE THE GREY REALITY OF EVERY DAY LIFE /NE THING UNITED US ALL WE WERE ALL LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
)T S A SAD FACT THAT FEW ASK THEMSELVES WHAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY HOPING TO lND 3O THEY GRASP THE lRST THINGS THAT COME ALONG TO TRY AND QUENCH THEIR THIRST IN THEIR SOULS 4HESE THINGS MAKE A LEGIONAIRE S LIFE EASIER
WHILE MAKING IT MORE DIFlCULT AT THE SAME TIME )T WAS LIKE BEING BOUND BY A ROPE AND ) KNOW HOW TIGHT IT CAN CUT INTO YOUR SKIN AND HOW TIGHT THE KNOTS CAN BE TIED ) SAW THAT EVERY NEW LEGIONAIRE WAS A REFRESHMENT FOR US ) ALWAYS MANAGED TO lND SOME THING HUMAN IN EVERYONE WHO JOINED EVEN IF ) HAD TO SEARCH FOR A LONG TIME TO lND IT IN SOME OF THEM ) WAS SO HAPPY WHEN ) DISCOVERED THESE HUMAN TRAITS AND ) WAS ALL THE MORE DISAPPOINTED TO lND THAT THEY SLOWLY DISAPPEARED 7ITH TIME THERE WAS NO TRACE OF THESE QUALITIES AT ALL AND ) ASKED MYSELF WHETHER THESE PEO PLE WERE STILL HUMAN OR WHETHER THEY WERE MACHINES 4HEY WERE FULLY AUTOMATIC AND READY TO FULlL THEIR FUNCTION UNTIL ONE DAY THEY WOULD BREAK DOWN /NCE ) STARTED TO THINK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT ) STARTED TO GET AFRAID OF MYSELF ) WANTED TO GET OUT "UT HOW ) BEGAN TO RE LIVE THE PAST SEVEN YEARS SINCE ) RAN AWAY FROM HOME AT THE AGE OF 4HE SCENES WERE IN MY HEAD BUT EACH ADVENTURE HAD LEFT SUCH A MARK ON MY MEMORY THAT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THEM HURT )T WAS AGONY BUT ) JUST COULDN T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT ALL ) D WANDERED ALL OVER THE WORLD ) CROSSED BORDERS ILLEGALLY AND HAD BEEN DEPORTED ) D SAT IN DIFFERENT PRISONS AND REFUGEE CAMPS EARNED MONEY BY DELIV ERING ADVERTISEMENTS WASHING PLATES SELLING NEWS PAPERS ) WORKED AS A BARMAN AS A KITCHEN BOY AS A
BAKER AS A HAIRDRESSER AS AN ELECTRICIAN FOR OVENS AND AS A CHAUFFEUR ) D SLEPT IN HOTELS AS A LODGER ON PARK BENCHES IN UNlNISHED BUILDINGS AND IN CELLARS ) HITCHHIKED FOR THOUSANDS OF MILES AND TRAVELLED WITH GYPSIES FOR TWO MONTHS 4HE UPS AND DOWNS IN MY LIFE WERE SO EXTREME THAT MY EMOTIONS BECAME A ROUGH SEA A STORMY OCEAN IN WHICH ALL ) HAD TO CLING TO WAS A RIDICULOUSLY SMALL RAFT ) WAVERED BETWEEN TERROR FEARING THAT MY RAFT WOULD BE BROKEN TO PIECES AND JOY OVER THE FACT THAT IT AND ) WERE STILL IN ONE PIECE "UT MY LIFE HAD NO AIM AND IF ) DID MANAGE TO SET MY SIGHTS ON ANYTHING IT FELT AS IF STRONG WINDS WOULD DRIVE MY LITTLE RAFT OFF COURSE )F ) DID MANAGE TO GET MY FEET ON SOLID GROUND ) FOUND THAT ) HAD GOT SO USED TO THE UPS AND DOWNS THAT ) COULDN T lND PEACE .OTHING COULD GRATIFY ME n NO DRUGS NO WOMEN .OTHING ) TRIED IT ALL BUT SOONER OR LATER ) LEFT IT ALL BEHIND ) HAD NOTHING THAT MEANT ANYTHING TO ME EXCEPT MY FRIENDS ) GOT TO KNOW 3TARIN IN A REFUGEE CAMP NEAR "EL GRAD 7E DIDN T KNOW HIS REAL NAME BUT WE CALLED HIM 3TARIN WHICH MEANS @FRIEND BECAUSE HE WAS A REAL MATE ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD AND VERY HELPFUL 7E NEVER KNEW HOW HE MANAGED IT BUT HE ALWAYS MANAGED TO GET HOLD OF THINGS WHICH WE WERE NOT RE ALLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE 4HINGS THAT WEREN T ABSOLUTELY VITAL FOR SURVIVAL 7E DIDN T CARE WHERE HE D GOT THESE THINGS WE WERE JUST GLAD HE D GOT THEM !T ) WAS THE YOUNGEST ALTHOUGH ) TOLD THEM ) WAS 0ERHAPS THAT WAS WHY ) WAS HIS BEST FRIEND 4HE DAY THAT ) WAS SENT TO A DIFFERENT CAMP ) WANTED TO GIVE HIM MY
WATCH AS THANKS FOR ALL HE D DONE FOR ME ) D MANAGED TO KEEP MY WATCH DESPITE ALL THE CHECKS "UT HE SAID HE COULDN T ACCEPT SUCH A GIFT 4HAT SAME DAY ) FOUND OUT WHY HE DIDN T WANT TO HAVE MY WATCH (E HAD BEEN LIVING IN THIS CAMP OF HIS OWN FREE WILL FOR TWO YEARS ALREADY (E WANTED NO MORE FROM LIFE THAN HIS CAMP BED NEXT TO THE DILAPIDATED lREPLACE AND THE CAMP RATION WITH THE BIGGEST PIECE OF MEAT &OR THESE PRIVILEGES HE CONVEYED INFORMATION TO THE CAMP ADMINISTRATION (E GOT THE REFUGEES TO TELL HIM ABOUT THEIR PAST AND THUS PUT AN END TO ANY CAREFULLY PRE PARED ESCAPE ATTEMPTS BY %ASTERN %UROPEAN REFUGEES ) SPENT ONLY lVE WEEKS IN THIS CAMP BUT ) KNOW THAT FOUR MEN ARE STILL IN PRISON IN 0OLAND AND (UNGARY TODAY BECAUSE 3TARIN WANTED NO MORE THAN HIS CAMP BED NEXT TO THE DILAPIDATED lREPLACE AND THE CAMP RA TION WITH THE BIGGEST PIECE OF MEAT -AHMUD WAS FROM ,EBANON (E WAS AND HAD mED THE ARMY IN "EIRUT BECAUSE HE BELIEVED THAT WAR WAS MADNESS 7E MET IN 'ORIZA WHERE WE ILLEGALLY CROSSED THE BORDER FROM 9UGOSLAVIA TO )TALY .EITHER OF US HAD A PASSPORT .OTHING IN LIFE SEEMED WAS A PROBLEM ANY MORE
BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER HAVE TO CARRY A WEAPON AGAIN (E SAID TO ME IN GOOD %NGLISH h4AKE THIS IF YOU WANT v AND GAVE ME HIS mICK KNIFE 4HEN HE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT HIS COUNTRY AND THE PEO PLE THERE 4HEY WERE VERY HOSPITABLE AND DEEPLY RELI GIOUS (E WOULD NEVER LET A COMPATRIOT DOWN OR VICE VERSA (E SAID h) LL TEACH YOU !RABIC AND WHEN THE WAR IS OVER YOU LL HAVE TO COME AND VISIT ME "EIRUT IS UNFORGETTABLE v
4HE )TALIANS WANTED TO DEPORT HIM BUT IN THE SAME WEEK HE WAS BEATEN UP BY THREE ,EBANESE !RABS IN FRONT OF THE ,EBANESE #ONSULATE 4HEY DIDN T AGREE WITH HIM ABOUT SOMETHING 7HEN ) VISITED HIM IN HOSPITAL IN 0ADRITCHIANO A DAY LATER HE ASKED ME TO GIVE HIM BACK HIS mICK KNIFE 7HEN WE SHOOK HANDS FOR THE LAST TIME HE MURMURED
h) M SORRY v 9ES AND THEN THERE WAS MY FATHER )T WAS #HRISTMAS %VE ) HAD HEARD THAT HE HAD GOT MARRIED AGAIN AND ) KNEW THAT HIS NEW WIFE WOULD NOT HAVE ME TO STAY EVEN ONE NIGHT IN HIS HOUSE 7HEN ) CAME TO VISIT HIM HE ALWAYS GOT ME A GUEST ROOM SOMEWHERE IN THE SUBURBS WHERE IT WAS CHEAPER ) VISITED MY FATHER THIS TIME WITHOUT SETTING FOOT IN HIS HOUSE ) STOOD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW FOR A WHILE
LOOKING IN AT THE DECORATIONS IN THE ROOM )T WAS COLD AND IT WAS SNOWING "UT JUST SEEING ALL OF THAT BROUGHT MY BLOOD TO THE BOIL ) COULDN T MAKE OUT WHAT SONG HE AND HIS WIFE HAD STARTED SINGING SO ) WENT TO THE TELEPHONE BOX OPPOSITE THE HOUSE WAITED UNTIL THE SINGING HAD STOPPED AND DIALED HIS NUMBER h9OUR SON WISHES YOU A MERRY #HRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR v WHEN HE ASKED WHERE ) WAS ) JUST ANSWERED h3O FAR AWAY AND YET SO NEAR FATHER v ) COULD SEE HIM LEANING ON THE TABLE AS HE WISHED ME A HAPPY #HRISTMAS TOO AND ASKED ME TO COME HOME AGAIN SOMETIME ) DIDN T EVEN BOTHER PUTTING THE PHONE BACK PROP ERLY ) LEFT THE TELEPHONE BOX AND WENT OUT INTO THE @3ILENT NIGHT HOLY NIGHT !LONE ONCE AGAIN
3OME TIME LATER ) MET "OB 4HAT IS AT lRST WE DIDN T WANT TO GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER AT ALL 7E WERE ARGUING ABOUT A TRAIN LEFT IN A SMALL TRAIN STATION IN THE .ORTH OF %NGLAND WHICH WAS IDEAL TO SPEND COLD NIGHTS IN 4HERE WASN T JUST ROOM FOR TWO n WE WOULD HAVE HAD ENOUGH ROOM TO ACCOMMODATE A WHOLE CRICKET TEAM "UT HE WAS THERE lRST AND WHEN ) CLIMBED IN THROUGH A WINDOW HE WANTED TO GET RID OF ME (E SAID h)F THERE ARE TWO OF US HERE THEN SOME BODY ELSE WON T BE LONG IN COMING AND THEN THE POLICE WILL CATCH US ALL v !ND APART FROM THAT HE WANTED TO BE ALONE 4HAT WAS SOMETHING THAT ) COULDN T ACCEPT THOUGH AND AS WE COULDN T RESOLVE THE CONmICT ANY OTHER WAY WE DID SO ACCORDING TO THE RULES OF THE JUNGLE ) WAS LUCKY AND HE HAD A BROKEN JAW 7E BOTH SPENT THE NIGHT IN THE TRAIN BUT NEITHER OF US SLEPT THE PAIN STOPPED HIM FROM SLEEPING AND HIS WHIMPERING STOPPED ME FROM SLEEPING (E HAD TO GO TO HOSPITAL THE NEXT DAY AND FOR PEOPLE LIKE US THAT MEANT TROUBLE
MONEY PROBLEMS AND SOMETIMES EVEN PRISON "UT "OB DISLIKED PRISON EVEN MORE THAN A NORMAL WAY OF LIFE 3O AFTER THEY HAD lXED HIS JAW WE WENT TO WORK SELLING SWEETS TO PAY THE HOSPITAL COSTS (E SOLD ICE CREAM AND ) SOLD LOLLIPOPS 7HEN WE HAD EARNED ENOUGH TO PAY THE BILL AND ) D GOT FED UP WITH SELLING SWEETS ) MOVED ON "OB STAYED IN THE BUSINESS AND TODAY HE HAS CARS WHICH SUPPLY A WHOLE AREA WITH ICE CREAM AND SWEETS 0ATRICE WAS OF )TALIAN DESCENT BROUGHT UP IN 53! AND WHEN ) MET HER SHE D ALREADY BEEN LIVING IN (OL LAND FOR THREE YEARS
) MET HER ON SOME STREET AND SHE ASKED ME IF ) HAD SOME @STUFF ) LIKED THE LOOK OF HER SO ) LIED AND SAID
h9ESv 3HE INVITED ME TO HER mAT BUT WHEN ) CONFESSED WHY ) HADN T ANSWERED HER QUESTION TRUTHFULLY HER FORMER FRIENDLY POLITE NATURE DISAPPEARED 3HE HAD AN ASTOUNDING RANGE OF VOCABULARY BUT ) WAS PATIENT ) REMAINED QUIET UNTIL SHE REALISED THAT HER ABUSE HAD NO EFFECT ON ME &INALLY SHE SHOWERED HER PROBLEMS DOWN ON ME ) WANTED TO HELP HER AND SO ) GOT HER WHAT SHE WANTED ) WANTED TO SEE HER HAPPY !ND THAT NIGHT SHE WAS HAPPY n AND SO WAS ) !LTHOUGH ) HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANT TO BE HAPPY 9ES ALL OF THEM AND HUNDREDS MORE n THESE PEOPLE WERE PRECIOUS TO ME 0RECIOUS BECAUSE THEY WERE MY ONLY @POSSESSIONS 4HEY WERE LIKE A lRE INSIDE ME AT WHICH ) COULD WARM MYSELF !T THE SAME TIME THEY WERE THE lRE WHICH DESTROYED ME )N THE MEANTIME ) HAD JOINED THE &OREIGN ,EGION 4HEY OFFERED ME SOMEWHERE TO STAY BUT THAT WAS ALL ) STILL FELT A GREAT DARKNESS INSIDE ME AND ) LONGED FOR THE UNREST AND DISCONTENT TO COME TO AN END 7HAT MAKES ME DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS /NCE ) STARTED TO THINK ABOUT THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF BEING DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE ) BEGAN TO FEEL WORTHLESS 7HAT IS A PERSON WORTH #AN THEIR WORTH INCREASE OR DECREASE (OW MUCH IS MY LIFE WORTH 7HAT MAKES SOMEONE PRECIOUS ) SEARCHED FEVERISHLY FOR ANSWERS TO THESE QUE STIONS ) HAD TO lND THE ANSWER BECAUSE ) KNEW THAT SOMETHING WAS MISSING SOMETHING ) HAD NEVER KNOWN IN EVERY THING ELSE ) HAD EXPERIENCED 4HE FEELING THAT
) HAD LIVED LIFE TO THE FULL AND THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE TO SEE DISAPPEARED IMMEDIATELY !S TIME WENT BY ) BECAME CONVINCED THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WAITING FOR ME SOMETHING THAT ) HADN T TAKEN ANY NOTICE OF BEFORE 4HIS SOMETHING WAS WAITING FOR ME THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTIONS REAL FREEDOM ASSURANCE AND A NEW BEGINNING !LL OF THIS WAS A PERSON STANDING RIGHT BE HIND ME !ND THIS PERSON WOULD SOON GET ME TO TURN AROUND )T WAS IN -ARCH OF THAT YEAR WHEN ) CAME BACK TO THE GARRISON IN #ORSICA AFTER A FOUR MONTH CAMPAIGN IN %AST !FRICA ) HAD TEN DAYS HOLIDAY TO ACCUSTOM MYSELF TO THE CLIMATE /NE EVENING ) AND TWO OTHERS FROM THE ,EGION WENT TO THE CITY AND PLANNED TO VISIT ONE OF OUR FA VOURITE BARS AT THE #ALVI (OTEL "UT WE WERE TO BE DISAPPOINTED n THE BAR WAS CLOSED 4HE HOTEL HAD BEEN RENTED BY SOME 'ERMANS AND THE TAXI DRIVER TOLD US THAT WE WOULDN T BE ALLOWED IN &OR US ALL THE MORE REASON TO GO )T WAS EARLY AFTERNOON AND WE DIDN T MEET ANYONE EXCEPT "RIGITTE THE RECEPTIONIST 3HE CONlRMED WHAT WE HAD HEARD FROM THE TAXI DRIVER BUT INSTEAD OF TELL ING US WE COULDN T COME SHE INVITED US TO JOIN THE GROUP THAT EVENING -Y FRIENDS &RED AND 0AUL WERE FROM (OLLAND AND 3ICILY RESPECTIVELY BUT BOTH SPOKE 'ERMAN AND WE COULD REMEMBER A NUMBER OF EVENINGS WE D SPENT WITH TOURISTS AND SO WE ACCEPTED THE INVITATION 7E KNEW THAT WE D BE THE ONLY SOLDIERS THERE AND WE WERE GLAD 7E D SEEN ENOUGH OF UNIFORMS
4HE ROOM WAS FULL WHEN WE CAME BACK IN THE EVENING ) REMEMBER IT WELL A MAN WITH A BEARD WAS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE WITH A GUITAR (E SMILED AT US AND SANG h) VE GOT THE JOY DOWN IN MY HEART v AND THEN EVERYONE IN THE ROOM STARTED SINGING h*OY JOY
JOY JOY v AND WE FELT NOTHING BUT THIS JOY 4HEY BROUGHT CHAIRS FOR US AND AS WE WERE USED TO DOING WE TOOK THE CHAIRS AND WERE GOING TO LOOK FOR A PLACE AT THE BACK 7HEN WE CAME IN ) D NOTICED AN OLD LADY NOT JUST SINGING BUT CLAPPING HER HANDS LIKE THE WOODCUTTERS IN 4IROL 7HEN ) TOOK MY CHAIR AND TRIED TO TAKE IT TO THE BACK SHE CAME UP AND STOPPED ME 3HE TOOK HOLD OF MY ARM AND ) WAS FORCED TO PUT THE CHAIR DOWN AND SIT ON IT 3HE GAVE ME A SONGBOOK AND AFTER THE VERSE ABOUT JOY CAME VERSES ABOUT PEACE
LOVE AND REST AND ) STARTED ASKING MYSELF HOW THERE COULD BE ROOM IN MY HEART FOR ALL THESE THINGS &RED THE $UTCHMAN SAID TO ME h4HEY LIVEN UP QUICKLY v AND ) HAD TO AGREE "UT THEN WE NOTICED THAT THERE WERE "IBLES ON THE TABLES NOT WINE AND BEER BOTTLES AS USUAL 7E WERE A LITTLE CONFUSED NOW 4HIS WASN T A CHURCH SERVICE SO WHAT WERE THE "IBLES DOING ON THE TABLES h)T S LOVELY OF YOU TO COME 0ERHAPS YOU D LIKE TO IN TRODUCE YOURSELVES v SAID THE MAN WITH THE BEARD (E SEEMED TO BE THE SPOKESMAN ) GOT UP AND INTRODUCED MYSELF AS ) D BEEN TAUGHT h-Y NAME IS +URT AND v 7ITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT ) HAD JUST INTRODUCED MYSELF WITH MY REAL NAME AND NOT AS +ARL THE NAME ) USED IN THE LEGION 4HEY D REALLY SHAKEN ME UP 4HEN MY TWO FRIENDS INTRODUCED THEMSELVES AND IT WAS THE lRST TIME ) HEARD THEIR REAL NAMES ALTHOUGH
WE D KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO YEARS 3TRANGE ) THOUGHT TO MYSELF "UT THEN THE OLD LADY GAVE ME A POKE BECAUSE ) D FORGOTTEN TO JOIN IN THE NEXT SONG THAT THE MAN WITH THE BEARD HAD STARTED TO PLAY )T WAS TOO HIGH FOR ME SO ) JUST MOVED MY LIPS AND ) STARTED SWEATING h) HOPE THE OLD LADY DOESN T NOTICE ANYTHING v "UT SHE GRINNED AT ME WINKED AND NOD DED LIKE MY MOTHER USED TO WHEN ) WAS YOUNG AND WAS TELLING SOMEONE ABOUT MY MOST RECENT ROGUISH PRANKS 4HE MAN WITH THE BEARD SPOKE AGAIN h,ET US BOW OUR HEADS IN PRAYER v 3O IT WAS A SERVICE ) DESPER ATELY TRIED TO REMEMBER THE WORDS OF THE ,ORD S 0RAYER
WHICH ) D LEARNT OFF BY HEART IN SCHOOL .OW ) M GOING TO MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF ) THOUGHT ) COULDN T REMEM BER ANYTHING RELEVANT BETWEEN &ATHER AND (EAVEN AND %ARTH "UT THEN THE OLD LADY STARTED TO TALK 7HAT WAS WRONG WITH HER 3HE WAS THANKING SOMEONE FOR THE LOVELY BOAT TRIP BUT WHO WAS SHE TALKING TO ) DIDN T DARE OPEN MY EYES ALTHOUGH ) REALLY WANTED TO KNOW "UT PERHAPS THE MAN WITH THE BEARD WAS WATCH ING ME ) THOUGHT !ND THEN HE WOULD KNOW THAT ) WASN T A #HRISTIAN !ND THEN IT WOULD ALL BE OVER 4HEY WOULDN T TREAT ME LIKE ONE OF THEIR OWN AND THE JOY THAT ) HAD FELT WOULD DISAPPEAR JUST AS QUICKLY AS IT HAD COME OVER ME h'OD WE THANK YOU FOR THESE THREE LEGIONAIRES WHO 9OU HAVE LED TO US !ND WE PRAY THAT THEY WILL COME TO KNOW 9OU 4HAT THEY WILL COME TO 9OU AND THAT 9OU WILL GIVE THEM NEW ETERNAL LIFE v 4HESE WORDS CAME FROM A CORNER SOMEWHERE AND ) DON T KNOW WHO SPOKE THEM BUT ) WAS DEEPLY MOVED !LL
THAT ABOUT A NEW LIFE WOULD HAVE TO WAIT THOUGH -Y CONTRACT WITH THE LEGION RAN UNTIL /NE BY ONE THEY PRAYED FOR MY FRIENDS AND ME 4HEY TALKED TO 'OD IN A VERY SIMPLE MANNER AS IF THEY WERE TALKING TO A FRIEND 9OU GOT THE IMPRESSION THAT THE ,ORD WAS SITTING ON ONE OF THE FREE CHAIRS IN THE ROOM OR ON THE CHAIR THE MAN WITH THE BEARD HAD BEEN SITTING ON /R WAS HE INSIDE EACH OF THE PEOPLE PRESENT %VERYONE THANKED 'OD FOR SOMETHING OR BROUGHT HIM THEIR PROBLEMS 4HE OTHERS CONlRMED THEIR SUP PORT WITH A LOUD @!MEN 4HEY ASKED THE ,ORD FOR FORGIVENESS FOR THINGS THAT WOULD NEVER HAVE GIVEN ME A GUILTY CONSCIENCE AND ) STARTED TO ENVY THESE PEOPLE (OW FREE AND PURE THEY MUST BE TO BE THANKING 'OD AND PRAYING FOR THINGS THAT ) TOOK FOR GRANTED ) WANTED TO START PRAYING LIKE THAT TOO BUT WHAT WOULD A GOOD 'OD SAY IF ) JUST EMPTIED MY SOUL OUT TO HIM !ND WHAT WOULD THE PEOPLE THINK .O THAT WAS IMPOS SIBLE !ND SO ) KEPT QUIET "UT AS ) DID SO THE lRST PART OF THE JOY ) HAD FELT STARTED TO SLIP AWAY AND ) NO LONGER FELT LIKE ) BELONGED 4HIS PROBLEM WAS SOON TO BE RESOLVED HOWEVER %VE RY SPARE MINUTE THAT WE HAD WE SPENT WITH THESE PEO PLE !ND EVERY CONVERSATION WE HAD WITH THEM LED TO THE SAME CONCLUSION h*ESUS #HRIST IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD v 4HAT WAS SOMETHING WE JUST COULDN T UNDERSTAND 4HE MORE ) THOUGHT ABOUT THAT THE LESS IMPORTANT EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE BECAME 4HESE #HRISTIANS WERE SO FRIENDLY AND THEY PRO VIDED US WITH TRACTS AND #HRISTIAN BOOKS 7E PUT MOST OF THEM ASIDE FOR A WHILE
/NE BOOK TITLE REALLY JUMPED OUT AT ME THOUGH h&ROM 0RISON TO THE 0ULPITv 7ERE THERE REALLY MEN WHO STAND IN THE PULPIT AND PREACH BUT WHO WEREN T THEOLOGIANS BUT DROPOUTS LIKE ME 7HAT WOULD A CRIMINAL HAVE TO SAY FROM THE PULPIT %VEN BEFORE ) D lNISHED READING THE BOOK HOPE BEGAN TO GROW IN MY HEART /NLY 'OD COULD CHANGE A PERSON LIKE THAT ) LOOKED AT MY MESSED UP LIFE ONCE AGAIN AND ONE QUESTION KEPT RECURRING IN MY MIND WHAT IS THE MEAN ING OF MY LIFE ) COULDN T GET AROUND THIS QUESTION ANY LONGER /NCE IN OUR LIVES EVERY ONE OF US HAS TO PUT THEIR lNGER THROUGH THE WALLPAPER OF OUR LIVES AND ASK
h7HAT S BEHIND IT ALL (AVE ) LIVED MY LIFE OR DESTROYED IT )S THERE ANY MORE TO LIFE THAN WHAT ) HAVE EXPERI ENCED v !LTHOUGH ) HAD EXPERIENCED A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS ) ASKED MYSELF 7AS THAT IT )S MY PURPOSE IN LIFE JUST TO FULlL OTHER PEOPLE S RE QUIREMENTS )T S NOT A COINCIDENCE THAT WE START ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PURPOSE IN LIFE %ACH ONE OF US IS MEANT TO ASK OURSELVES THIS QUESTION 0ERHAPS WE TRY TO PUSH THE QUESTION ASIDE OR TRY TO FORGET IT BY TRYING TO ESCAPE IN WORK HOBBIES LOVE AFFAIRS ALCOHOL DRUGS OR LIKE ) DID IN ADVENTURE "UT WE CAN T IGNORE THIS QUESTION )F YOU CAN T lND AN ANSWER TO IT IT LL DESTROY YOU !ND THEN THESE PEOPLE CAME TO ME WITH THEIR *E SUS 4HEY CLAIMED THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER WHICH STANDS THE TEST WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE IS PROVED UNTRUE !LL THE ANSWERS OFFERED BY PEOPLE ALL THEIR IDEAS WHICH
SEEMED TO BE TRUE ARE WORTH NOTHING WHEN WE ARE CONFRONTED WITH DEATH 4HERE IS ONLY ONE ANSWER WHICH REMAINS THEN AND THAT IS FROM THE PERSON WHO CLAIMED TO BE PERSONIlED TRUTH AND CALLS TO EVERY LIVING THING h) AM THE WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE v *ESUS #HRIST ) REMEMBERED A STORY ABOUT OUR FORMER MAYOR IN THE SMALL VILLAGE WHERE ) USED TO LIVE 4WO WOMEN HAD HAD AN ARGUMENT 4HE lRST ONE WENT TO THE MAYOR AND TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED (E LISTENED TO HER AND THEN SAID h-ADAM IF THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED THEN YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY IN THE RIGHT v 4HE WOMAN WAS VERY PLEASED AND WENT HOME 3HORTLY AFTERWARDS THE OTHER WOMAN CAME TO THE MAYOR AND TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED FROM HER PERSPECTIVE (E LISTENED AND WHEN SHE HAD lNISHED
HE SAID h)F THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED THEN YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT v 4HE SECRETARY WHO HAD BEEN LISTENING TO ALL THIS SHOOK HER HEAD AND SAID TO THE MAYOR h"UT YOU CAN T DO THAT 9OU CAN T SAY THAT BOTH OF THEM WERE IN THE RIGHT v (E LAID HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER AND SAID h) THINK YOU RE RIGHT THERE v )N TODAY S WORLD WE ARE IN DANGER OF AGREEING WITH EVERYONE JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE 7E ARE INUNDATED WITH SO MUCH INFORMATION ! LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO SHUT THEMSELVES OFF JUST TO RETAIN SOME SORT OF EMOTIONAL SPACE "UT WE CAN T AVOID BEING INmUENCED BY THESE THINGS *UST THINK ABOUT RADIO TELEVISION
MAGAZINES THINGS WE GET IN THE POST )NSIDE OUR SOULS ARE SHOUTING h3TOP IT ,EAVE ME IN PEACE v 7E ARE NO
LONGER ABLE TO REACT TO NEW INFORMATION 7E COULDN T APPLY IT TO OUR LIVES EVEN IF OUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT /NE CONSEQUENCE OF THIS IS THAT WE HAVE CHANGED THE WAY WE LISTEN )N ORDER TO PROTECT OURSELVES FROM THE NOISE AROUND US WE HAVE DEVELOPED A PSYCHO LOGICAL DEFENCE SYSTEM A SORT OF lLTER 4HIS lLTER ONLY ALLOWS CERTAIN MESSAGES THROUGH 7E ONLY HEAR MES SAGES WHICH APPEAR TO MEET OUR NEEDS OR TO HELP US TO REACH OUR OWN PERSONAL GOALS 7E ARE TRYING TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT THE ADVERTIS ING BUSINESS TELLS US WILL MAKE US HAPPY 7E AREN T BUT THE ADVERTISING INDUSTRY STILL TRIES TO CONVINCE US THAT PRODUCT ! OR SYSTEM " WILL MAKE US TRULY HAPPY )F WE DO BUY THIS OR THAT PRODUCT WE FEEL DISCONTENTED AND THINK THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH US 7E HAVE TO HIDE THIS FROM EVERYONE ELSE THOUGH AND SO WE MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO APPEAR NICE ATTRACTIVE AND BAL ANCED EVEN IF WE ACTUALLY FEEL LONELY EMPTY AND HOPE LESS 7E ALL KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE ADEPT OPEN MINDED MODERN MAN 7E SEE IT EVERYWHERE !ND AS WE ALL KNOW HOW TO PRETEND TO BE HAPPY AND BALANCED THE LONELINESS INCREASES WHEN WE MEET SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS WEARING THE SAME MASK ) SOON REALISED THAT THERE WAS MUCH MORE INVOLVED THAN JUST ACKNOWLEDGING THAT SOMEONE WAS @IN THE RIGHT ) D BEEN SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER FOR TOO LONG
HAD ALL TOO OFTEN REACHED OUT MY HAND TO lND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING THERE ) DIDN T WANT TO FALL FOR AN OTHER DECEPTION OR FAIL TO RECOGNISE THE TRUTH 4HE #HRISTIANS MAINTAINED *ESUS #HRIST IS RISEN FROM THE DEAD (E IS ALIVE (E IS NEARER THAN THE AIR WE BREATHE 4HIS WAS TOO CHALLENGING AN ALLEGATION TO
ANSWER WITH h9ES MAYBE YOU RE RIGHT v %ITHER *ESUS #HRIST IS A FAIRY TALE lGURE AND THE #HRISTIANS ARE LYING /R THIS MAN IS 'OD IN THE mESH !LL SORTS OF PEOPLE
FROM -USLIMS TO #ATHOLICS HAVE COVERED UP SO MANY OF THE FACTS ADDED TO OR TAKEN AWAY FROM THE CENTRAL MESSAGE THAT IT IS OFTEN HARD TO lND IT AT ALL /FTEN WE CAN ONLY lND OUR WAY PAST THE LIES AND FALSE TEACHING WHEN WE TURN TO *ESUS #HRIST HIMSELF WHEN WE LOOK AT THE CROSS )T WAS THE CROSS OF #HRIST WHICH FASCINATED ME 'OD SAID THAT ON THE CROSS THE PUNISHMENT ) DESERVED WAS PAID 4HE PRICE ) AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD HAVE PAID n DEATH 7HEN ) READ THE ACCOUNT OF THE CRUCIlXION IN THE "IBLE AND SOME OTHER HISTORICAL ACCOUNTS ABOUT CRUCI lXION IT ALL CAME ALIVE FOR ME ) HAD THE FEELING THAT IT WAS HAPPENING BEFORE MY VERY EYES 4HE MAN WHO HAD BEEN CONDEMNED LAY ON THE GROUND AND WAS NAILED TO THE CROSSBEAM 4HE NAILS WERE DRIVEN BETWEEN THE BONES IN HIS WRIST CAUSING UNBEARABLE PAIN 4HEN HE WAS DRAWN UP ON A POLE THAT WAS THREE METRES HIGH (IS FEET WERE CROSSED ONE OVER THE OTHER AND A LONG NAIL DRIVEN THROUGH THEM 4HE SOLDIERS RE SPONSIBLE FOR THE EXECUTION GOT HIS CLOTHES 4HE MAN ON THE CROSS WAS TERRIBLY THIRSTY HAD AWFUL HEADACHES AND HIGH FEVER (ANGING ON THE CROSS MADE BREATHING VERY DIFlCULT AND THE ONLY WAY TO PREVENT SUFFOCATION WAS FOR THE MAN TO PUSH HIMSELF UP ON THE NAIL THAT WAS THROUGH HIS FEET )T WAS A lGHT WITH DEATH THE MAN ON THE CROSS PUSHING HIMSELF UP AND CATCHING HIS
BREATH AND THEN LETTING HIMSELF DOWN AGAIN AND ALMOST SUFFOCATING ) COULD NO LONGER SAY ) WASN T THERE WHEN IT HAP PENED .O ONE CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE *ESUS DIED FOR US THEN AND IF WE DON T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM THEN WE CONTINUE TO CRUCIFY HIM TODAY /UR DESIRES OUR AIMS OUR WORDS AND DEEDS ARE LIKE THE STRIKES OF THE HAMMER ON ONE OF THE NAILS ON THE CROSS ! LIFE LIVED WITHOUT HIM IS OUR DEATH SENTENCE ) HAD LIVED WRONGLY UP UNTIL THAT POINT ) HAD RIDI CULED HIM AND HAMMERED THE NAILS INTO HIS HANDS AND FEET !ND HE SAID TO ME h4HAT HURTS %VERY TIME YOU HIT THE HAMMER EVERY DESIRE EVERY AIM EVERYTHING YOU SAY EVERYTHING YOU DO WITHOUT ME HURTS ME "UT ) LOVE YOU ) LOVE YOU AND ) WANT TO SAVE YOU v ) LONGED TO HAVE THIS NEW LIFE THAT *ESUS OFFERED AND WHICH IS ON OFFER TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON ) UNDERSTOOD THAT *ESUS #HRIST WANTED ME THAT HIS WORDS WERE MEANT FOR ME AND THAT HIS DEATH COULD BE MY DEATH SO THAT ) COULD RECEIVE NEW LIFE THROUGH HIS RESURRECTION 3UDDENLY ) REALISED THAT ) COULD DIE ONCE AND FOR ALL AND THEN LIVE ONCE AND FOR ALL 4HIS *ESUS SAID TO ME h+URT
YOU RE A SINNER BUT ) LOVE YOU ) WANT TO WELCOME YOU
AS ) WANT TO WELCOME ALL #OME TO ME v ) HEARD THIS MESSAGE WHILE ) WAS ON THE LOAD AREA OF A LORRY ON A MANOEUVRE ) WAS READING *OHN S GOSPEL DURING THE JOURNEY )F YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE ROADS IN #ORSICA YOU LL UNDERSTAND WHY ) READ EACH WORD SEVEN TIMES ) COULD STILL SEE THE CRUCIlXION IN MY MIND S EYE AS ) PUT THE GOSPEL ASIDE ) COULDN T WAIT TO SPEAK TO THIS ,ORD IN PEACE AND QUIET THAT EVENING
) COULDN T DO ANYTHING BUT FALL ON MY KNEES AND SAY h,ORD HERE ) AM ) GIVE MY LIFE TO YOU 0LEASE KEEP EVERYTHING ABOUT ME THAT IS ARTIlCIAL EVERYTHING THAT ) HAVE ADDED THAT IS FALSE !ND GIVE ALL THAT IS NATURAL &ILL ME AND TAKE OVER CONTROL IN MY LIFE v ) REMEMBERED THE WORDS THAT *ESUS HAD SPOKEN
h7HOEVER BELIEVES IN ME WILL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE v ) SAW THE CROSS BEFORE ME ONCE AGAIN 4HE CROSS WHICH IS SUCH A FAMILIAR SYMBOL BUT WHICH WE HAVE BARRED FROM OUR LIVES 7E LOVE TO SEE IT ON TOWERS ON WALLS OR ON CHAINS AROUND OUR NECKS BUT IN REALITY WE HATE IT 7E CONFESS IT WITH OUR LIPS BUT OUR LIFESTYLE DENIES IT 0ERHAPS THERE IS NO HYPOCRISY COMPARABLE TO THE HYPOCRISY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE CROSS &OR SOME IT IS AN IDOL FOR OTHERS A MAGICAL MIRACU LOUS SIGN FOR SOMEONE ELSE IT IS A mAMING BATTLE STAND ARD AND FOR THE NEXT PERSON IT S A VALUABLE PIECE OF JEWELLERY 3OME HAVE MADE A BLACK SYMBOL OF MOURN ING OUT OF IT AND FOR OTHERS AGAIN IT IS AN OUTRAGE !ND YET IT IS THE GALLOWS ON WHICH *ESUS DIED FOR ME ) WAS lLLED WITH PEACE AND ) KNEW THAT ) HAD BEEN FORGIVEN ) BEGAN READING THE "IBLE AND ) UNDERSTOOD IT 3INCE THEN MY PRAYER HAS BEEN THAT 'OD WOULD MAKE ME A MAN WHO BELIEVES IN LIFE AND ALWAYS GRASPS LIFE WITHOUT HASTE BUT ALSO WITHOUT HESITATION ) WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THAT WHAT 'OD HAS PREPARED FOR ME IS GOOD AND WHO KNOWS THAT THERE IS NO POINT IN DESIRING SOMETHING THAT 'OD HAS NOT SET ASIDE FOR ME ) WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES THAT EVERY DAY SHOULD BE LIVED TO THE FULL THAT OUR EFFORTS WILL BE
REWARDED AND SOMEONE WHO TRUSTS IN THE /NE WHO KNOWS THE REASON FOR ALL THINGS ) PRAY THAT 'OD WILL MAKE ME A MAN WHO HAS HIS PASSIONS AND INTERESTS
HIS DEMANDS AND MOODS UNDER CONTROL ) WANT TO BE A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO lGHT AND HAS LEARNT TO SUFFER FOR ALL THAT IS GIVEN TO US ) WANT TO BE A MAN WHO DETESTS HIS ENEMIES AND CAN IF NECESSARY USE VIOLENCE AGAINST THEM ) WANT TO DO THIS IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT MY ONLY ENEMIES ARE THE POWER OF EVIL AND MY OWN HEART ) WANT TO LEARN TO LOVE THE ,ORD 'OD WITH ALL THE FORCE OF SACRIlCE WITH ALL MY EMOTIONS WITH ALL MY INTELLIGENCE AND ALL MY ENERGY ALL OF WHICH ARE GIVEN BY 'OD HIMSELF !ND lNALLY A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO DIE 7HO KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS TO GIVE HIS LIFE NOT TO LOSE HIS LIFE BUT TO HAVE SAVED IT 7HO KNOWS THAT TRANSIENCE WILL BE PENETRATED IN ETERNITY