Halfway Back in the Closet

Halfway Back in the Closet: Queer APIA Students in Quarantine

By Rayna Yu ’23 Copy Editor

For most college students, the COVID shutdowns were hard enough. Being torn from campus life and thrust into online classes, with nary a chance to adjust, devastated college communities. But queer APIA students faced an extra set of challenges when they returned home. Living with family is often complicated for queer people, and the pandemic only made things more difficult. Two queer Asian-American students, who both asked to remain anonymous, spoke with me about their early quarantine experiences. “Going back home, I had to hide my makeup, I had to hide my nail paint,” Leon* told me. “I was out to my parents, but I guess they didn’t know how gay I was.” Leon is an Indian-American sophomore who identifies as gay and non-binary. Though his parents know he’s queer, being out still causes tension at home. “My dad is really cool with it, but sometimes [my mom] is accepting, and sometimes she’s not,” Leon stated. “If I’m sad, she’s very accepting. But if I’m normal or happy she’s like, ‘I don’t really like it.’” Becoming homebound added another layer to Leon’s stress. “When I get on Zoom, I’ll be like, ‘Hey girly,’ and sort of start being myself again. And my mom will be like, ‘Why are you talking like that? Why are you acting like that?’” Besides going back to a claustrophobic home situation, Leon also reentered his small town’s regressive environment, a stark contrast to his welcoming college community. “Obviously, I would never paint my nails. I would never go out in a skirt,” he said. “But also, I would sort of feel the need to do … a straight voice when I’m talking to cashiers. So they don’t like spit in my food for being gay.” In order to cope with this sudden isolation, Leon grew reliant upon digital communication. “I like being social in real life. I barely ever text my friends. But my social media use definitely proliferated in order to maintain sanity.” Despite facing many hardships during his quarantine experience, the months alone helped Leon uncover new aspects of his identity. “In quarantine, I was having those thoughts that, looking back on them, [are] very enby(nonbinary) behavior. I was like, I’d be fine if I was born into any body. Cis people wouldn’t think that.” Leon is currently back on campus and enjoying life. His post-COVID semesters haven’t been perfect, but they’re an improvement from his time at home. “I’m a little sad that I can’t go partying every weekend, but at least I can have people around me,” he said. Annie* is an Arab-American senior who most closely aligns with bisexual. “Most of the time, I don’t even really think about it too much,” she stated. Annie’s sexuality may not occupy a huge space in her mind, but she’s always appreciated her queer social circle. “I don’t see the [queer] community as like, a group I only talk to about [sexuality] specifically,” she said. “It’s more like they’re my friends, and that’s the secondary thing that will come up every once in a while.” While Annie missed her school life and queer community during the pandemic, she had old high school friends for support. “I felt detached from the actual community. But I still felt like I belonged because these friends I was choosing to spend time with are … really good people.” Still, this acceptance isn’t universal - especially when it comes to family. “I haven’t even come out to pretty much anyone in my family, except for my mom,” Annie said. “With my dad, he’s very homophobic. If I end up marrying a man or something, then I’ll just never tell him.” Annie lives with her mother, but visits her father on occasion. Covid has ratcheted up the tension between them. “He’s kind of caught on that I may be gay, and he flips out about it every time,” she said. “So that’s created a lot of issues because he’ll

“Obviously, I would never paint my nails. I would never go out in a skirt,” he said. “But also, I would sort of feel the need to do … a straight voice when I’m talking to cashiers. So they don’t like spit in my food for being gay.”

“I haven’t even come out to pretty much anyone in my family, except for my mom,” Annie said. “With my dad, he’s very homophobic. If I end up marrying a man or something, then I’ll just never tell him.”

reach out to my mom, and they almost never talk.”

“It really stresses me out,” Annie added. “Because if he’s reacting this way to something I’m saying I’m not, then how would he react if I actually said I was?” Though Annie’s mother accepts her sexuality, she isn’t free from problems. “When I first came out, she was like, ‘Just because you think a girl is pretty doesn’t mean you’re gay.’ And I was like, you don’t know what I think.”

This home environment has left Annie questioning her preferences. “I’m more interested in men overall,” she said. ”But there’s this dilemma too, because what if I’m repressing more than I think to please my family?” Annie hopes to live her most authentic life after leaving William and Mary, and looks forward to exploring all aspects of herself. “I’ll always be connected to my family,” Annie said, “but once I graduate school and become completely independent, it will be a good time for me to finally not be concerned about their thoughts.”