HAPPIER HOLIDAYS

HHappier olidays

he holidays are a time of family

Tgatherings, long-held traditions and counting one’s blessings. It’s also a time for depression, anxiety and stress for millions of people all across the country. Between media depictions of the “perfect” holiday gathering and nostalgic memories distorted by time, we’re constantly bombarded with images and expectations that are all but impossible to attain.

This not only creates stress all on its own, but those feelings can be made worse by the belief that everyone else has things well under control and is enjoying an anxiety-free holiday.

“I want to emphasize that it is OK to not be OK during the holiday season,” wrote Patrick McElwaine, psychologist, for psychologytoday.com. “I know it appears that everyone is having a jolly and merry time during the holidays. The truth is that some people are mentally, emotionally and physically struggling during this time. You are not alone.”

Statistics bear this out. A recent American Psychological Association survey on the so-called “holiday blues” showed that while the majority of people surveyed reported feelings of happiness, love and high spirits over the holidays, those emotions often came with a helping of fatigue, stress, irritability and sadness.

In fact, 38% of people surveyed said stress levels increased during the holiday season with the top stressors being lack of time, lack of money, commercialism, the pressures of gift-giving and family gatherings. And according to a study by the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 64% of people with a diagnosed mental health condition said the holidays worsened those conditions.

Ken Clark, founder and practice director of Little Rock-based Chenal Family Therapy, said holiday stress often stems from the pressures people put on themselves to be perfect in every aspect, from gifts to turkey.

“In the end, the holidays and all the gift-giving are about communicating to people how precious they are to us,” he

said. “There’s a ton of studies out there that show experiences have more resonance than physical gifts. In other words, at the three- to five-year mark after somebody gives us an experience, we remember far more about that than the gift somebody gave us in the same time period. “We know the data path experience is going to trump material goods all day long. So, you’re really stressing and stretching to buy something for somebody who is probably going to forget it or it’s going to get blurry in the grand scheme of things. It’s why there are so many families with plenty of money who give hollow gifts and there’s no connection.” Clark said the power of experiences is equally strong whether they’re negative or positive, which is another reason not to get too torn up over the little mishaps that come along during any family gathering. © LUCKYBUSINESS - STOCK.ADOBE.COM /FOR ILLUSTRATION ONLY “You’ve got to convince yourself that whatever stress is there it’s not worth creating negative memories,” he said. “The stuffing coming out wrong and you being upset about it is not as important as your kids remembering that you were upset at the holidays every year. “Choose your battles, let the stuffing burn, let the gift wrap not match, let the gifts not be perfect and don’t stress about it, because the stress will imprint deeper on their nervous system. It’ll become something they dread every year to see mom or dad being stressed about the lights working. They will remember these negatives far more than they remember the positives.”

Keeping a sense of humor and perspective makes a lot of sense, but it can be very hard to do, especially when the house is full of relatives and there’s perceived chaos on all sides. If you start feeling the walls closing in, take a break from the action and re-center yourself.

“It’s OK to step away and it’s OK if you’ve got to tell a little fib to do it sometimes,” Clark said. “You need to have little breaks in there with family, little natural rhythms where everybody gets to retreat to a separate corner of the house or whatever.

“One of my funny tips is always leave the can of cranberry sauce or whatever in your trunk. That way, if you need to escape family, you can say you’ve got to run to the store. And if everything is going well, it’s in your trunk, go grab it.”

Clark said to take steps to minimize outside interference. You’ve got enough going on in your own home without peeking into the neighbor’s, digitally speaking that is.

“Stay off social media; the worst thing to do on Christmas Day is compare,” he said. “If you had a lousy Christmas in the ‘80s, you didn’t know until two weeks later when you got back to school and saw that somebody else got Air Jordans. Now everything is being live Tweeted and all that stuff.

“The more you are present with your family and not lost on social media comparing yourself to others over the holidays, the happier the holidays are going to be for you and for those around you.” n

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TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL. Pay attention to what’s in front of you, not what’s going on next door. If your decorations don’t outshine the neighbors, chances are you’re the only one who notices it anyway. KEEP HEALTHY HABITS. Part of what makes the holidays challenging is how they disrupt normal patterns, from the food we eat to the hours of sleep we get. As much as you can, try not to abandon every good habit you have, it will only accelerate negative feelings. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. No matter how much we love our family, sooner or later you need some “me” time. A walk around the block or a short drive can do wonders for a person’s outlook. CREATE NEW TRADITIONS. OK, so you tried to make your Nana’s famous sweet potato casserole and it just doesn’t taste the same. This isn’t a cooking contest! If Nana is still with you, ask her to guide you in the kitchen to create a cherished memory. If she’s not, then maybe your version is the new standard. ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT. Being labeled a “host” or “hostess” doesn’t mean you have to do every single thing there is. Arrange a potluck among your guests or put the kids to work decorating cookies. Spread the work around and you’ll reap greater joy.

SOURCE: MENTALHEALTHFIRSTAID.ORG

STRUGGLING? THERE’S WAYS TO COPE

STAY IN THERAPY. Don’t let an overloaded schedule take you away from therapy sessions. Know that the holidays often dredge up difficult emotions, so you’re likely going to need to talk to someone more than ever during this time. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. Taking time to pay intentional and deliberate attention to your feelings and emotional equilibrium can help identify what you’re feeling and why. New to mindfulness? There are plenty of resources online offering free mindfulness resources, such as guided meditations for beginners. AVOID DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. Jokes abound about dealing with family “with a little help from Jack Daniel’s,” but in fact, substance use can make your holiday blues worse. Meditation, exercise or singing “Joy to the World” as loud as you can in the garage are much healthier alternatives. SOAK UP THE SUN. Get that Vitamin D! Winter months deprive us of daylight hours, so get outside into the fresh air and sunshine. Studies have shown it improves stress levels, concentration and mental energy. SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. Nothing about your family traditions is iron-clad; feel free to create new ones all your own. Ask your family what means the most to them about the holiday season and focus on just those things instead of doing everything halfway. Ask for assistance, delegate tasks and accept help when offered.