The Record Newspaper 29 September 1988

How to save your msrriage • Pages 8 and 9

PERTH, WA: September 29, 1988

Registered by Australia Post Publication o. WAR 0202

St Benedict's walk down memory lane

Number 2603

POST ADDRESS: PO Box 50, Northbridge, 6000 W.A. LOCATION: 26 John St, Northbridge (east off Fitzgerald St).

TELEPHO E: (09) 328 1388

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• Page 2

'Temptation'

film:

Call for a I out protest

(• Pages 3, 6, 7 and 12

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Call for protest MELBOUR E: ArchbiLittle has called Cat lies and Christians to protest agai st the scree ing of t film The Last Temptatio of Christ.

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Record Drink's links?

T e prompt introduction of random breath testing could impress a visiting Martian observer that late 20th ce tury earth intends to put its house in order. The smokers are snuffed; how soon will governments force the public conscience to knuckle down to the wider damage that alcohol gluttony is doing to he community's hospital b dgets. Even the Russians have learnt that esson.

The police are obviously happy with the arrival of RBT and are enti ed to be so. tis they, and the ambulance services, who have to scoop up bloody remains from traffic accidents, not the boozers still partying on ob iviously.

On the other hand, say the very careful comments, it is not certain how much impact RBT will have on road deaths, compared to, say better driving manners and better community health. Like some reformed hardened sinner only SW is being e dless y quoted as statistical proof on RBT effective ess.

With very little statistical proof, en, that RBT will actually stop road d ths, he impression is neverth less being quite deliberate y fostered that random surveillance is

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ern

• H' leg wa wollen to twi e it ize and hi p in wa obvious. The little group sat do ly with him. The old w man

"Ours were the uffering SHE bore, Our wer the sorrow SHE carried, But we, i e thought of HERa meone puni hed, truck by God, and brought low.

Yet, SHE i.m pierced through for our fault , cru hed for our in . "

constantly ma ged hi leg and consoled him.

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earch for a new land and a nev ' life.

The truth v ·as painful, when the bandages were white, they confronted me, when I could not ee them, I was more at home in the ene.

Th e snov -white bandage metaphoricall ' embodied for me the non- boriginal people, the newcomer vho brouzht th ul ers to the original inhabitan of th' untry.

p ople c11 ing out for ac eptan e, freedom and dignit •.

We bl the crie of the poor o we banda their v .ounds. hide the ca of the pain and decide for them what · t.

ptin

7

COMMUNICATION IMPORTANT IN SOLVING PROBLEMS The wedding was beautiful. The bride and groom, who appeared happy and confident, helped plan the liturgy.

The signs of their careful attention were everywhere. The future of the marriage appeared bright.

Three years later they were divorced Sadly, this story and similar ones are becommg more common. Statiscally speaking, Catholics who marry today will stand a nearly 50 per cent chance that their marriages ";II end in divorce.

There are, of course, many reasons why mar· riages fail - not the least of whic.h is SO< ietv's more attitude accepting toward divorce and remarriage,

Lacking firmer social pressure and support, many couples chose to split when serious problems arise, rather than to resolve the problems.

To ofTset the growing vulnerability of marriage, couples are discovering a need to devote more time and energy to their relationships.

The relationship cannot be taken for granted, a kind of vague backdrop for the marriage. Rather, the relationship warrants the kind of attention that one gives, say, to

a

career

childbearing.

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to

Communication. of course, plays a major role in marriage and deserves special attention. In practically every survey, couples list it as the single most important

factor for a healthy marital relationship.

Family therapist Virginia Satir says that all communication has to be learned and that couples can learn to communicate more elTectively.

In this regard, emphasis frecquently is given to developing listening skills - attempting to understand not only words that are spoken but also the feelings behind them.

Another important aspect of marital communication is the couple's ability to handle disagreements construetivelv. Studies have shown that couples who communicate their disagreements effectively report greater marital satisfaction.

Couples. therefore, can

By

Neil A. Parent help ensure a more harmonious relationship if they take care to learn how to hanclle disagree· men ts constructively.

Greater satisfaction in marriage is also reported by those couples who freely and easily communicate love and affection to one another.

Husbands and wives should help each other be aware of their wishes and needs in regard to the expression of love and affection, including sexual fulfillment.

In the give-and-take of living closely together with all the foibles involved - couples can

thw ys of the

How to -han le a conflict

Growing

With

experiences

By Theodore Hengesbach

My 17 years of mar· ried life have provided me with some unique events and experiences for personal growth. I can think of numerous events that occurred because of my marriage and that changed me in some positive way or that gave me a new perspective on myself and on my life.

Let me give you some examples. Presently, I am teaching our 16-year-old son how to drive. I consider it my duty as a father - nothing else could make me freely choose to do it.

He is intelligent and his reflexes are better than mine. I remind myself that this experience is making me a better father and a better person somehow. And it really is.

I am growing in faith and trust in my son. I am helping him to build his

<;<>lf-confidenr,• and <elf· esteem. I am learning to give up my control of him in his quest for adulthood.

I am gaining greater respect for him and demonstrating it by letting him drive in most situations, My fright and sometimes terror are worth it.

My high school daughter's exuberant independence and readiness to help others have sometimes led me to exasperation.

I remember coming home one afternoon recently and not finding her there as I had expected. When she finally returned, I flew into what seemed to me a justified rage, When I gave her time to explain, she said that she had been helping a kindergartener find her way home. It had been

8 The Record, September 29, 1988

one of the characteristic errands of mercy.

True enough, she should have left a note telling me what she was doing .. .everthele-s after I calmed down, I apologised to her for my outburst. It no longer seemed justified to me.

I learned then that apologising can be an enriching experience.

Apologies are probably necessary in every relationship at some time or other. When such a situation arises, an apology can be an experience that draws two people close together.

In apologising to my daughter, I acknowledged that she was valuable to me and that I respected her for what she was doing. And I have never felt a more tangible expression of total forgiveness than in her words, "That's OK,

Dad".

The last experience want to mention is the sensual expression of afTec.hon between hushand and wife, I am struck bv the trust that this expn sion of affection in both body and spirit presupposes and helps to develop more fully. It involve, an openness linked to a profound sense of caring and of being cared for in return.

It can lead to an experience of the joy of unity in a fragmented world. It can be an experience of gentleness in a world that is sometimes harsh In marriage, I have been led into experiences where I have grown m trust, respect and care for others. These experiences have heightened my sense of delight in every aspect of my life.

Conflict and tension are inevitable in life - problems that married people are almost bound to experience so long as they are alive and changing, according Paulist Father James Young, rector of St Paul's College in Washington DC.

Therefore couples should not fear conflict but should learn how to handle conflict construcuvelv, Father Young said. The Paulist priest is noted for his work with divorced and sPparated Catholics.

"A basic issue is motivation and commitment to the marriage," he said. In his experience with couples, those who are deeply committed start off with the idea they will stick with a difficulty until they solve it.

Often strongly committed couples take time to work on their relationship and develop some communication skills.

People "learn communir.ation skills by practising," Father Young said. These are important, he said, because couples who are "weak in basic communication skills often lack securitv in each other," Such couples often fi.nd conflict hard to handle.

Father Young warned married couples not to fall into a rut where "they spend days and weeks not talking, just sending

news bulletin, on the nen sities �ife to each other The faith dimension is importaiioo.

Some couples "bring more ,p11ual 'el energy to the inevitable l ri encounter," Father Young said. Ile· times this "ran give them the evtra h needed to work through a prohle111 Sometimes a third party, a pa ml minister or a counsellor. can li1 a couple handle conflict and "gel bl �d an impav ; according to the Alist priest.

Another souce of help for m1ied persons is couple-to-couple miJlry which Father Young called a "h ful development in parish life".

Calling himself a "believer in he support-group phe-nomenon," F11er Young said that often couples encouering conflict feel they have no .

Then they are tempted to shove problems under a carpet whert e problems tend to escalate. "Being at to open up with caring friends make,nig difference." Father Young finds.

He noted that the US bishops 1�e encouraged parishes to establish r, Y life teams and committees. These u;lly include married people the pastora�n tum to when couples ask for hel e explained.

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easily fall prey to mutual criticism.

Rather than succumb to this destructive trait, husbands and wives need to think more in terms of how they can affirm one another. Affirmation not only enhances the other's feeling of self-worth, it is also a meaningful expression of love.

The couple's emotional satisfaction is a factor in a successful marriage.

While numerous factors contribute to emotional satisfaction in marriage, two that appear to be important to many couples today involve role flexibility and respect for differences.

Role flexibility means that a couple chooses to look at all the roles and responsibilities that exist

in marriage and make decisions about how these will be carried out.

Some will choose to carry out these roles much as they have been performed traditionally - and find emotional satisfaction that way.

in marriage involves respect for personal difference. A husband and wife undoubtedly will enjoy many things in common, but each partner will still possess unique preferences and interests.

Others may choose to carry out roles differently. For example they may decide that the husband will share more greatly in the tasks of cooking, housekeeping and child rearing, while the wife will undertake responsibilities related to family income, paying bills and performing necessary household chores.

One partner may have more of a need for quiet limes and solitude than the other, for example.

This may represent the path to emotional satisfaction for them.

A second point related to emotional satisfaction

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Whenever possible, such differences should be openly aired and respected.

Finally, for Catholic Christians, prayer, worship and belief in a loving God seemed to play important roles in rnarital satisfaction. A recent study showed that the active practice of their faith meant greater satisfaction in marriage for Catholics.

pirit

KNOW YOUR FAITH

By

Dolores Lee key English theological writer of essays and fiction, C.S. Lewis, was in his 60s when he married. He had lived as a bachelor in a world of books and ideas, content to share a home with his brother and social life with men friends.

Then he met Joy Gresham, an American widow with whom he corresponded for a number of years. She had moved to England with her two sons. Then the new life built for her family was threatened when the British government refused to renew her visa to stay in England.

By then, Lewis had come to know Mrs Gresham quite well. He appreciated her fine

mind and her inqumng spirit.

Lewis married her in a civil ceremony which assured her · right to remain in England. .either considered this a marriage m the Christian sense, and the, conhnued to live in separate residences, \Vhcn it was discovered that \!rs Lewis had bone cancer. both of them wanted to be married in the eyes of their church, the Church of England.

They were married in her hospital room with only the Anglican priest and Lewis' brother present. The priest prayed for \.1rs Lewis' recovery.

Lewis took his wife home, presumably to die.

The opposite happened.

Her pain lessened, her mobility returned and tests showed that the cancer cells were not multiplying. The couple took up a fairly normal domestic life.

For Lewis it was a revelation. What began

as com passion for another human being led to something he had never considered for himself: a marriage founded on love.

H(• told one friend. "Do you know, I am evperiencing what I thought would O!".Cr he mme. I never thought I would

His wife's cancer did recur, however, and ultimateh claimed her life. During her final davs, Lewis wrote a poem in· which he described her as the one who made his heart a bridge by which he could connect with all of ur His deep sorrow L"'

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into existence, Of course, the individuals do not disappear. But the individuals must submit to the demands of a hfe together if a true marriage is to grow. This new creation does not happen all at once, nor necessarily with ease, Rather. a steady stream

Preparing for change "Many marriages end in divorce because couples are not expeding change in themselves and in their relationship; and when change comes, whether in early marriage or in midlife or after the children are raised, they panic and given up on the marriage relationship." (father James Young, have in my 60s the happiness that passed me by in my 20.."

Interestingly, it was during this period that Lewis wrote what many critics believe is his finest book, "fill We Have Faces", a story about human and divine love.

1982.)

"I do wish that couples would make grHter spiritual preparation for marriage, perhaps even making a retreat before the wedding just as priests do before ordination." (father Henry fehren, 1982.)

evident in the last line of the poem, "And now the bridge is breaking".

The bridge is an apt metaphor for the heart - and for marriage as well. Two lives - two worlds - are connected in such a way that something new comes

of small decisions showmg our willingness to be attentive to the other person wears away tbe sharp edges of our selfinterest. These personal inner decisions help us to be collaborators instead of in competitors marriage.

We give many signs of this willingness. Among them LS the practice of consultation concerning important decisions.

This recognises that resources, I" rhologtcal as well a, material, are held m common. The resources are "ours", not "mine",

Practicallv, this means that we · w,II decide together how we use everything, from time to money, with respect for each other's needs and limitations. It also means a commitment to share thoughts, feelings, inner experiences. This may require as much generosity and faith as the sharing of bed and food and friends.

Marriage does not exclude the value of some solitude. however, I agree with the poet Rainer Maria Rilke who said that a good marriage is not one in which all differences and distinclions collapse, hut one in

which each partner protects and guards the others solitude.

In marriage. the gifts and talents of each one can be honoured.

Lewis' storvis revealing.

His initial decision to rnarrv 1rs Gresham opened the wav to a love that went deeper than friendship. But it also opened him to the experience of heartbreak and grief.

This is, of course, a reality that every couple must face. The other side of love is loss. 1'0 one IS exempt from this experience. The bridge breaks for each person.

But if we have developed through all the little deaths in marriage, we will know with certitude the truth that with God, "Love is stronger than death", as we hear in the Old Testament Song of Songs, The bridge will never be destroyed.

The Record, September 29, 1988

9

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��TITI � rn � to the Editor

We must stand up

from Dom Francis

BYRNE OSB, New Norcia

BUILDING TRADES P in ·ng q

ity work at the right price. John Freakley. Phon 361 4349.

Electric Contr ctor J.V. D'Esterre, 5 Vivian St. Rivervale. 30 yrs experi nee, expert. effici nt, reliabl . Ring 362 4646, after hours 385 9660. Unit E, 98 President St, K wd I.

PERSONAL

DEATH

old 50-year single Catholic lady looking for accommodation. Prefers to share house with other m ture Catholics. Phon 368 1358.

NOTICE

Sir, I have never called for the banning of a movie in my life. I now do so. The movie The Last Temptation of Christ' should be banned in Australia.

A Christian worthy of the name cannot but be disgusted by the latest Hollywood attack on the Person of Christ. His teaching and, consequently, the Universal Church.

Nothing is sacred any more. Nothing is he d holy. The Hollywood moguls, in search of a

sensationalist angle, have now shown the world to what extent they are prepared to sink for the God of Mammon.

We, as members of the Catholic Church, must stand up and be counted.

If you cannot actually march in the streets to demonstrate your opposition to this celluloid degraded filth, then remember the mighty pen is still a powerful weapon.

Let public eaders and politicians of all shades know that 'enough is enough' ...

T is wretc ed sacr · ege ACCOMMODATION WANTED

i------

'1ACCOMMODATION AVAILABLE

IN MEMORIAM

from WP. MEEHAN, Munda ring Sir, This wretched sacri'The Last lege, Temptation· ...

With questionable motiv certain mod rn his or ans delight in worst, true raking up t or otherwis , in the lives of the famous ongd pa rt . At least howev r their victin were mortal and are d ad.

But Christ is not d di Nor was He mortal norm th faintest degree or particular guilty nor, as certain p ople will find to their ultimate co t is He po rle s, even though d H forgiving. f in w r any but the last mention d t en what on earth is this short, anxious and materially unbalanced ltfe all about?

Meanwhile, fro the hun reds of millions of Christians that peopl

this earth why is there no niversa ly expressed outrage, no · etermined banning of this evil thing hroug out?

While the reaction in the mind of true Christi ns can only be revulnd conte pt i mu t recognised that xpo ur of his kind of evil to youth nd o th oth rwis vulner bl n any ree or with any qualitication (what a farce the 'R' rating isl clearly rn icate tacit cc a nee which just as cle rly implies doubt bout the vii nature of th thin .

T ans r to this wicked insult to divinity is a challeng to loyalty to Christ - a crying out for expression of this loyalty in h form o a compl te ban by every believer, in fa t every d cent mind, i the Christian worl .

The ustralian Catholic Social Justice Council ( CSJC) ls an advisory body to he Catha ic Bishops' Committ e for ustice Development and P ace BCJOPJ. ts 16 oluntary members represent a ide cross ection of h ustralian Catholic community. acancy exists for a Chief Executiv Offi r a the ACSJC's Secretaria in Sydney.

T CEO ill serve he n eds of the Council, eing responsible to the BCJDP hrou h its Executive Seer y and to he CSJC throu h its Ch irman.

The successful applicant ill o e s ap op iat administrative s ills a kno led e of th u tra an Catholic Church and he Church s Social Doctrin , as as romotional experience [particulary e a din arene of ocial is u s publications and he edia). familiari y ith government instituti ns and social action groups ill be advantageous. plications should include e ames of thr e ref r nces one of horn should e a Pa ish P i st. pplications y 17 October to: Th Chief Executive Officer, ustralian Catha ic Social stlc Council, 17 Utle lbion Street S rry Hills 20 0 F rther information: J. Fed rer (02] 2 2 6755

WHAT'S ON

only - men or

Each cholar hip c ver v ry generou ly the Collegiate residential co ts of first year tertiary educational livi .

Contact: T

Archdiocesan -� Calendar

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Colleen McG iness-Howard

A look at books - music - art "Echo of a Di tant Drum" (The Irish Down Und r) Produced by Orana Film Sydn . Available from Produ tion

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by COLLEEN McGUINESS-HOWARD

TENNI

by TOM BRANCH

THE

Catholic Charismatic Prayer eeting and E charist every Thursday at 7.30 m , Redemptor" st C urc orth e

Al\1811 CE= E MAJELLAN MASS

The annual St Gerard's Mass will be held on Tuesday, October 18 comm nci g 8pm at the Redemptorist Church, North Perth.

The Juran Si gers will be in attendance at 7.30pm so come earty a d enjoy their beautiful singi g.

All groups, fiends of Majellan are invited to this pecial 30th Anniversary Mass.

The usual supper arrangements will apply - ladi s to bring two plates per car.

Newman Society Newman Sunday will be eel brated on October 16 with Ma a 10.30a , i cha I of S Tho as ore Colleg , fo low d by uffet luncheon in the refectory at w ich Father J. eil 0.P. w·11 guest pea er. Father eil is t e main co-ordinator for the pro· d Catholi university.

Acad mic dre op ional. Char e for lunch $20 per h d all inclu Ive. To acilitate catering ts p ease notify iss arrang D. A in on 386 8192 ·1 yo wi h to attend. Open to all "nter

Healing ass every firs hursday ea h mon h

MARIAN CALENDAR

Send items for " arian Ca endar" ·n wri ·ng to: 38 Great North rn "ghway, Mi land WA 6056.

THE PASSIO PLAY OBERAMMERGAU 1990

O FICE HOUR :

or further information pho e 384 9228