The Record Newspaper 16 June 1988

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O D: ALLOW CATHO res TO GOE OLE I TH S ...

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After the hour long meeting in the Kremlin, Cardinal Casaroli id Gorba hev had not invited Pope John Paul II to \ · it, nor had the Vati n invit d Gorbah v t vi it.

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The Daugh ers of Charity

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more than one legitimate Catholic position on abortion, include about tv ·o d zen m n and ·omen religio . Sisters Ferraro and Hu , v ere the onl ' i n rs n t eventually cl ared dismi I thre t b • th Vatican.

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1986 that it

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Home, sweet home

What IS y�ur idea of a hom!? �s it a place of respite· A place you always are welcome? � place where you don t have to care as much about a whole lot of ti;;:g: rouwi:;i:! care a U e se • Obviously, no single definition of a home captures all that it can mean . It IS . a home · however, that begins when a couple marries.A couple's homelife becomes the primary settmg for their married life.

While no one can predict with complete accuracy what the couple's homelife will be 10 years or 25 years hence. the idea of a sacramental marriage suggests that certain forces are needed in their home.

Generosity is one such forr.e. Sacramental marriage suggests that a couple's home should be based on giving. If their homelife is based on true generosity, it will be a place ?f growth for those who live there.

So while the couple's home may well be a place where they don't have to spend time and energy on some responsibilities that preoccupy them elsewhere, it is not the place where they don't have to care at all

little to do with money or things,

Ge .1 h th t neros, y br� O�eans oci;5 a the r a e O /1 et O i,;r pe=i"' � 0 0'7-n, �n, d 1 lo;ing. an pa ien -

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To say that generosity is a most important characteristic of homelife for a · to say t ha t t he coup I e IS home is really a place for them to try to be at their best - at least much of the time.

This "best" has nothing to do with winning. or competing or gaining recognition in the style society often encourages.

And of course, it does not deny that at home people want to be known as they really are.

It is a "best" in the giving of self.

Self-giving" creates intimacy in marriage.

For a couple, this is the intimacy of sexual sharing. It is also the intimacy

of the couple's cornpanionship, understanding, attentiveness to each other, respect, empathy - love - expressed in a hundred other ways over the course of the years.

Experts stress that these too each express partner's sexuality in the term's full meaning.

Intimacy itself is a creative force in a coupie's life and for their home. Often intimacy is regarded as a given ol married life.

.

. Lovea.ndmarr:ia_ge ...

What is mtamacy? And how does a couple's sexual relationship reflect and contribute to the growth of intimacy in marriage? This week the NC Religious Education Package continues its series on the sacraments by exploring the ways in which married couples foster intimacy.

Dolores Leckey, quoting British psychiatrist Jack Dominian, says lovemaking and marital intimacy can be a source of

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Lnstead, it is at the centre of their caring.

The care they express at home will be a life-giving force.

To give generously means to give abundantly. But the generosity we have in mind here has

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and ret.onciLation marriage. She di«u.ss. several other way, 1 which a married coupif sexual relationship I Godlike.

Mrs Leckey Ls direct, of the US bishop's � aria! for Laity and FamiJ life.

Couple, may be ha, put to know if they ha, a truly intimate relatiot hip. but they know ri away if the} don't havs] say two marriage an family therapists in

viewed b) Katharme Bird.

Creating an intimate relationship require, good negotiation skills and time together for "relationship maintenance", the therapists suggest.

Ms Bird is associate editor of the NC Religious Education Package.

Jane Wolford Hughe, points out that marital intimacy "has the power to transform the ordinary elements of life into something exciting. It

forces us to see the mystery and beauty m common events such as a shared simple meal. a walk together, a touch in passing" Mrs Hughe, is a religious education consultant and free-lance writer.

Father John Castelo! observes that the Bible views a couple's sexual relationship as wholesome. natural and thoroughly good. part of God's divine plan for

creation.

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By Father John Caste lot There are no words for "sex" or "sexuality" in biblical Hebrew. Intimate physical relations between men and women simply were part of life, not requiring a special vocabulary.

The accounts of creation set the man-woman

relationship squarely within the context of God's plan for human life. "God created man (humanity) in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them.

God blessed them, saying, 'Be fruitful and multiply'" (Genesis 1:2728).

What could be more frank than the man's

ecstatic reaction to the woman in the following creation account: "This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh . . That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.

The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame" (Genesis 2:23-25).

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' Tradition holds that the love between a woman and a man can profoundly reflect God's love overflowing to all of creation.

Central to married love and it. se ual e pression, of mur;e. i, the rontmuahon of the human race.

Tho 1., , reahon M the hogh t order Children grace marriage with tho reminder that men and women are "created little le-s than the gods" H'salm 8).

But .,. uJI intimacy m mJmag<' reveals Godlike rharar teric,tir.� other than pnx reatlon. British ps)< hiatrist I•• k Oomiman "ttre,-w.� that from the very beginning of Iii , all people lonk to others ,n thnir lives for affirmation.

C.,., UJI lnurnarv i, a "a' through w hir.h spou ·, ,ho" ch oth r thJt the, anl fl!'l:()RnL,ed, wanted �ml appnx iated It 1. a way through wbbh they rontinuall affirm E'ach other'v personhood and identity What .,, more Domoman beh ve, that thr. art or love b a recurrent wa in which thr. cnuplo confirms the divine image in rch other a., sexual beings ", Forgnt'nt,, and recnnciliation are God-!okP actions.

Dorninian ob-erves that while married couples mu,t learn to fo'l!o\"e ea< h other con t,mtl) for fault, and Ioihles, some hurt remain. But tho pleasure of sexual love can uage hurt, he writes 06

Thus marital intimac. · i.'t a source of continuing forgiveness and nxrmr ihation Becau the se ual art is repeated throughout a marriage, it also <eems to renew a couple's hope, Oominian 'ia) And the inhman of marriaRC c:an re\"eal i.o t1., our true being with foibles. fault.,. po<_,ibiliti . tdlent.s and 1mperfe<tions - ";thou! disguise. as ('.od ...,..,, u,.

Hope, personal affirmation. forgivcnc�s and reconciliation, trust. <l'lf· under<tandin� - these are among th «•xu.tl dynamic.., of mamairo rnmmunicated through 1ntercour.,e and also through the many d<•laib of. xual presence lo one

BY Dolores LECKEY

another da, after da,.

J"hc, also are Godlike I.me that 1s so trul} Pnrir.hing d� not <.omo sil\", automat1<ally or hm,c, •r. Tho bla,e of initial attrac t1on ha, to be tended so th,1t it be<:omc,, a ,tPady. ,varmin� flame. !\., Shakcspt•Jre notes m V..nus and ,\doni.,": I.on· comforll'th like sun,hinn aftc·r rum Bui lu,t', effa·.-t i, l(ompr,t aft1·r sun I.OH>, gent/,• prin11 doth all, a_i :1i /n �h remn,n I.u.,t 's n 1nlf'r com(' ere umml'r Im/{ be done

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Intimacy in marriage is a creathe force. It is also able to grow and develop o- the years.

Intimacy involves physical sexual expression. But thef'e an many other ways to express and build intimacy. Why can intimacy be called a creative force in a couple's home life?

Generosity - the generosity of self-giving in a hundred different ways - is a creative, Godlike force in a couple's home. The idea of sacramental marriage appears to 511&Iest that a couple's home needs to lie based on this generosity. Why? What is the impact of self-giving on II those who live in a home?

Do you think images of intimacy and "good relationships• filter down to you 1111111 society at large that are inadequate? In what ways are some of these images inadequate?

Lust lik,• o glutton du lm-c ts ul! truth l.11,1 full oj forgt•d Ii lo keep low like "sun<hlne" and the "gentle spring" requires talking and tour hing and listenmg. crying and laughmg, v nting an •rand letting !!<' of it

•I, and go out to each other perh ps we will know the plea, ures and tho onen of g nuin I by lntomar.y o p the loving couple in the bihlical Song Of Songs "How fair and how pl nt art thou, 0 love, for delights."

Author ta, Sartnn once wrote that ever, thing of beaut) n�1uires effort.

ThlS c true of all JlC'< t, of life. fmm wrolinR a poem to, ttinM • dmner tablP to makmg Im • Perhaps the gre.1tl'St enemy of d1?epemng intimat\'. th n. b laz1. n s. It U ea,1£'r c;omrho\\ to remain aloof and alone. P,)rhol�r;ill.- if not phv"call).

But if \\e rou'rt' our·

Sexual 10\'C i.s onl) one c pm\..,1on of intimacy in ma�nagc It can be empt) and autom.1tlc ,,ithout a full r < onte t in which a muplc ,hares life. Hut ,,·hrn other dimcru,ion., of hnu.,.•hold living are attPndrtl to with rare and lm·c, xual 10\'C r.an be a valuable m1>ms of hridRing thr. inC\ itahlc little e trangun1cntc. thdt happen hc<.auscof illn , or trnvel or othn obligatoons.

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To bri more inti111KJ into a ud family th• r a Pis t •ncouraces =to�!:

for relationslli, m•inle· .. nee". This �!� $0\jIii�! ··•-

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Biblical people were not naively blind to the problems which irresponsible sex can cause.

The legislation against it is eloquent and specific (Leviticus 20:10-16).

On the other hand, it does not go to the extreme of considering the sex dri,-e as intrinsisinful and cally shameful.

Sexual intimacy within marriage is considered part of God's plan, thoroughly good and healthy.

When certain enthusiasts in Corinth, falling for a philosophic fad which disdained the body and physical sex. tried to impose sexual abstinence on married cou-

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e pres-ion and emo-

toonal cl, n ppc: " to have a cychral aspect.

The c de includes falling in love settling Into a routm , d .endmg mto a crisis and beginning again. The , -cl repeats 1� If often In marriag with varvmg degrees of intensity, en depending rcumstan

I think. however that ns coupl endure the manv cvr.les of intimar.v that charactense a long mar nage, thev are ablo to move !Og<'ther into o J..mtl of cn•ative solitude known for its depth, or q Ulet and nf peace.

It c..in hr like a prescocc before thP � ce nf God

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, another I •lier I' writes II ores edley.

pies, St Paul quickly unequivocally:

reacted and

"Do not deprive each other, except perhaJJ6 by mutual consent for a time to be free for prayer, but then return to each other" (1 Corinthians 7:5).

That "philosophical fad" in Corinth turned out to be more than a passing fancy. Known as Gnosticism, it infected Western thinlcing. One of its lingering legacies was a non-Christian, nonbiblical view of sex and sexuality as bad.

The fact is that the Bible humanises and personalises sexual relations.

Surely one of the most candidly erotic pieces of literature is the Bible's Song of Songs. Its earthiness pro,ed so embarra. ,mg that all sorts of attempts \\.'ere made in both Je,vish and Christian circles throughout the histor, of interpretation to explain it away. \lore recenth. however, scholars· of all camp,, Jewish and Christian, have come to acknowledge the Song of Songs for what it Ls, a jo}ful acceptance of the human bodv and ol sexual love. · As RB. umrin is quoted as sanng m the Anchor Bibi · "In the Sonii ol Song.<, we find a whole book taken up with the most detailed appredation of the phv,ical world and its beauty. "'A man and ,\·oman's lo.-e for each other . . is set in the midst of expressions about the smell of perfume, the singing of birds. the beaut,· of flO\,er,,, th physical attribut of each other • . . It is not something to be shunned but to be praised."

Identify tbe obstacles to happiness .. •

People may be hard put to know if they have an intimate relationship, but they have no doubts at all when they don't, reported marriage and family therapists Aline Coghlan and Howard Bregman.

Interviewed at theor pastoral counselling office at St John the n. · Ch , ... ptost , urt- h , the, discussed their expcrien·-

more intimacy into th,·ir marriages.

Frequently people complain to the thcrapi.sts that they are not happy ••;th their rulation,hip \\"hen encouraRcd to be more specific. the couple may begin to identif, the t.. · · I e to m!Jmaq.

Ou,,lac Sometime,, linan«'S are an obstade. -\nd too much mone, r.an Ix, almost as much a barri(•r JS loo httle.

Mrs Coghlan to of a ·wife who waiupset bemuse her bband had ";thdrawn d no longer shared rus•l� \\ith hn. On the husband fplt coi11able in coun lling. )'jinuttcd that he had hard 1,·m,·" ,,Ith hi wile mak1n " o, ., M,{J()Olilehe "" made 15.000.

He said he•,,., ikea kept man" and orried

�xua1 or verbal - i.,

Wh,·n abuse is present, she said. "the communir 1 pa_11et':" IS. b roken .. r.a don an m 1macy is thwarted.

fun or to work on a rommon project.

Th. C ak LS m es poop I e • oo I more connt'C!ed to each other", he said.

But client. rare!} put their finR('r on abuse a problem right awa}.

More often. a client 'ia} "I don't feel close" to a spouse or, "I fed like I'm walking on C8RS all the

Asked hO\ to help coupJp,;; hring more intimacy into a relationship.

Bregman said he encourages them to take "enough time for relationship maintenance".

This means setting regular limes to be

Other times couples net.'<! to learn how to negotiate.

Decision making licRins with each person having the view that "I cnunt and I count you in too", Bregman 'iaid. agreements An}

part to family.

support

the

Violence - phys1C.1l,

another ob tacle intin1ac),

to

By Katharine BIRD each person's needs and ''"·ishes into account.

Bregman said.

Another key to intimacy IS self-knowledRf!.

People need to be in touch ";th their feelings and ";th their wants, needs and expectations. \.1r.; Coghlan said.

When people ask how they can get to know themselves better Mrs Coghlan. might s�o-t 00 meditation and prayer.

Learning to listen for God's voice can open an avenue into the self. she said.

It can help people know who they are and identify what is blocking their n-lationship ";th God. a spouse and others.

Other times she sug-

ges� that peopt_e 1om a parish self-discovery group or m1hate the process on their OY.m . h I h e ai.d O f a wi_t guidebook.

Another technique the therapists favour is having husbands and wives commit themselves once again to each other t;sually couples <,ay something like, "I choose to be in this relationship today, and tomorrow I will commit myself

again", Bregman said.

This can build greater intimacy, he emphasised, because it is "a commitmen! out of ..-ant and choice, not out of duty or dependency or need".

A couple's sexual relationship can also build intimacy. :\.1akinR lo,-e can "create a channel of sharing that happens across the breadth and _.;dth" of a couple's relationship, Bregman said.

When making love occurs in an intin1,1te

lnti.macy is more than sharing. a bed or .a candlelit table. It .rs ane based on love, commitWolford ment,. reverence and the Hughes !"aturity•. One. JOYS which_ m�1macy O t e shout� provide IS the eleva�1on" of o�r "sense of being special • news . lntomacy has the power service to transform theordmary 8 The Record, June 16, 1988

By

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elements of . hfe into something exc1tmg It forces us to sec the m} terr and beauty in common . ewnts - a shared simple meal, a walldogether,a touch in passing, a glance exchanged The concept of conlinuonce in a rela_tio�hip is nece,,sary for mtomacy.

When the bnde and groom walk do"11 the aisle after promising them.<PI.- to each other in t_he sar;rament. of matnmony, mstant mh· macy. IS no_t one of the wedding gifts a\\a1tmg them.

Achieving mhmacy is a gradual movement b which two separate ''I's"

become a •we··.

It Ls a blessed couple .. 0 matter what the who. esp,.•nallv in the couple's age, intima<:" earl} staRts., rerngnise .., God's healing presence takes time. in thctr live,,.

It cs more graceful!\ Sexual intimacy IS a ach1 ved if the persons vital part of a couple's already knowthems,,Jn,, life, but ,t ;,, not the only and are willing to take meens to inhmac or the time to discover the even the most important other while revealing Sarah came to visit me. their innermost selves.

She was troubled but

articulate. "fhere IS a dogwood tree in my yard which should be in full bloom but a blue spruce h..,; prevented ,ts natural full growth. In nature. the strong survi,e. I gu that's the way it Ls in marriage too." she said "Harry, my husband. takes, hat he wants and

give,, what he ,.ts to giv We w •re pbtally attrac.ted to eacJ(her (we ,toll are) l,lbVemaking only sat.J' tny hody," she added 11 · not ennUlaller fi e 1!8rs of marrl· He d n't know ,,..nd I can't say J krnihim.

Earh lime I Ir) talk alxmt 'w.' he cha the

subjoct I fod ""alone. I feel u<e<l."

I suggested that she and Harry ..,., a thcrapLst. After Sarah threetencd to lea,e him, Harry agreed.

They are progressing throuiih a stage of slow and selfpainful disclosure. Thev are not only discoverins who the

other is, thev are finclmg them.sclve, Connie and I met at a bridal shower. With an impish gnn on her face. she told me that she and h r husband were retiring from jobs they enjoyed.

When I asked why, she replied: •:\ly husband and I want to know each

----------------------------.. context. :\!rs Coghlan said. it takes in '1ho whole self, phy ir.ally. other better, to discover said, putting aside my while we are both inde- parish Pre-Cana pro- emotionally. spirituall}, thought of a brief pendent, different per- gram. They tell couples physmlogically" and rediscover the world sons who need their own to establish a trusting relationship and to do things t�ther Sometimes, '"at the The couple reached a space, we feel free to be relationship with each We have the dream of height of passion. people point, she ourselves with each other. turning working y,.;th the illitercan step back and admire e'<J)lained. after their five other," she said. "Our Whether it is deciding the beauty of what is ate and helping them enterthewonderof1deas children were raised. love flows into every whether to chanJ!P jobs happening as a gift God has gi,-en", , 1rs Coghlan and ."'isdom awa,to� "We realised we were nook and cranny of our or to make love in the happi t, most fulfilled, hves." them m readmg books. afternoon, their said. Then they can Connie said that she responses to eech other I pre,<ed on. "Have you when together."

•rejoice and relish in the "What has made our and her husband counsel always should say, "I lo, pleasure given and been married long?" engaged in the couples you", Connie said. received" such fun is that marriage ''Over 30 years," she

The Record, June 16, 1988

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to the Editor I must a d that we have four stud nts here at St Charles Vocational Residence. Two more are coming m July, please God, and a few more are interested.

It rs good to know that out of 5 seminarians for Geraldton Diocese hree are from Perth.

Then there is the good network in our diocese that we have set up of vocations representatives in th majority of our parishes. Thes p opl have accepted to be promoters of priestlv and religious vocations. We hav had two full day seminars for them in this time w ere th y ha b en helped to appreciate the vocation of each person in th Church as well as religious and pri stly vocations. Th ir rol is to heighten awareness and encourag prayer for th e latter ocations in their own parish.

Only a f w parish of th dioc se r m in o be visited by Arch is Foley, Bish H ly, pn s from our ocations committ e and mysetf.

W ha be n tal mg about pri nd r 11 ious voca ions an m I for continued pr y, r. committed Chris I n hvmg nd to h I o th hum n 'Call rs' of

y prayer from Father Justin BIANCHINI, Vocations Director, St Charles' Seminary, Guildford

BUILDING TRADES

Mr D George (The Record, June 9) wants to know what has happened since Archbishop Fo y's Pastoral Letter on Vocations on Good Shepherd Sunday, April 20, 1986.

Archbishop Foley wrote 'This year the archdiocese of P rth has 13 students for the priesthood. My prayer is that over the next 2 years can double that number'.

Two years later as Mr D G orge nows the numbers studying for the diocesan priesthood for Perth is till 13.

support the resolution to which sh refers Mrs Studham state that I "d f nd continued use of he cour " If th mf rence o be drawn from this statement rs that I support the use of the entire contents of the parenthood course as suitable for Rehg1ou Education cl sses in Catholic schools. th n I can sustain no worthwhil comment whatsoever, except to say that her statemen rs a lot of nonsense. In fact, since the CEO has now ormally re ased I s o R hg1ous Education Guidelines. I now of no Ca hohc sch still sing t

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MARIAN CALENDAR

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Archdiocesan Calendar · ---

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The Record .Tipster · .

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