An Essay

Words and photo by James Bowen

Reflecting on the past four months, my experience so far has felt surreal On any given day, the range of emotions I experience is broad and confusing and sometimes overpowering Excitement, fear, wonder, confusion, happiness, sadness, hope, grief Living in a different country in a different cultural context will always have its trials, but one that I always face no matter the place is helplessness

For context, I am from the United States of America, and the news cycle for the US these past three months has been horrendous In just November, there were over 40 mass shootings in the US, some of which specifically targeted already marginalized members of society on the basis that they are different Those same people who are being murdered en masse are also having their rights (abortion access, housing, voting, etc ) stripped away piece by piece at alarming speed

The US is a uniquely terrifying entity It promotes itself as a beacon of hope for its people and the rest of the world, while simultaneously placing a thousand shallow cuts into every person’s heart regardless of what country they come from Helplessness comes with being an American citizen, and while some people are capable of steeling their heart to it or turning away from it

I am not one of those people Being here, while wonderful in so many ways, has also been a conflicting experience I see the news of another mass shooting or another conservative policy victory (read: failure), and I’m plunged back into that sense of numbness, knowing there’s nothing I personally can do other than check in with my friends and family

For me, dealing with these emotions is complex and exhausting I’ve been finding myself trying to keep as busy as possible, and saying yes to literally anything someone suggests, instead of confronting my grief, anger, sadness, helplessness, what have you I’m probably not alone in doing that either, even among the other JETS I live close to I came to Japan to explore the culture, to share my experiences, and to learn about myself And clearly I still have a lot to learn, but I know there are others thinking the same things and feeling the same things So as the year closes out, I will continue to feel helpless at times, but I will also continue to have hope for myself and everyone else going through it So to whoever reads

g o . e n j o y . l e a v e . i t w a s a l l a b o u t y o u , a n y w a y

- Nayyirah Waheed, Salt

James Bowen is a first year ALT from Kamagaya City Chiba