Post-Disagreement Reflection

Taking some time to reflect after a disagreement can help both you and your partner learn and grow. Consider a hypothetical couple, Jerry and Rita, who have been married for 10 years. They recently had a fight about the influence of Jerry’s parents on their family decisions. The fight started out as a heated discussion and quickly escalated, both saying some extremely hurtful things. Doors were slammed, accusations were made, and it took them several days to cool off. After this time, they apologized, directly addressed the issue, and agreed to never let it get to that point again. Rita noted that the two of them should discuss the fight and how it escalated, but Jerry said that they should just steer clear, not wanting to go back to that bad place. Rita noted that by reflecting on what went wrong they would be able to address more than the in-law issue. They would also be able to discuss their ability to communicate with one another in a calm and effective manner.

In this case Rita has suggested time to reflect on their conversation post-fight. The researchers at the Gottman Institute, which focuses on love and relationships, note that having a dialogue in the aftermath of a fight is important to get at any underlying issues. For Rita and Jerry, these issues may be the way in which they express their frustration with one another and how they communicate.

Below are some helpful tips for your post-disagreement reflection:

Love Lessons

Marisa T. Cohen, PhD

Make a promise not to reignite issues that have already been resolved.

The goal of your post-disagreement reflection is to examine how the conversation escalated into a full-blown fight, not to rehash issues that were already resolved. If, and only if you feel that the content of the argument (in the case of Jerry and Rita, the influence of Jerry’s parents) has been resolved, make a promise not to revisit that issue. If they get caught up in the details again or rehash their initial positions, they will never get to the point of discussing their communication with one another.

Express emotions and validate one another.

It is important for each partner to express the emotions they experienced when things started to get heated. This will allow them to indicate what actions or words were most hurtful to them and clearly communicate their boundaries. Each partner should validate the other. This doesn’t mean that you agree with what your partner is expressing, but that you acknowledge and accept reforms pass, New York will be subjected to a lawsuit that they will likely use.

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Administration their view. This is important for each partner to feel heard and to build a shared understanding. Jerry and Rita should discuss what felt most hurtful and actively listen to one another.

Create a plan. Come up with a plan for when disagreements take a similar turn in the future. For each couple this is different. Perhaps a code word would be helpful, indicating that you need a break. Others may choose to infuse humor into their discussion. Some people may choose to write a list of all the things they agree on, highlighting where their views are similar rather than different. This may take some trial and error, but by having a plan, you can put it into place in the future.

Looking back at your arguments and how they escalated can help partners have a better understanding of how to communicate with one another more effectively. Additionally, it can assist them in being more aware of their partner’s boundaries and needs.

Linda Baccoli

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