Hamlet comedy – a beginner’s guide

Paula, Door bitch

As someone who never really “came out” as trans, rather broke out of a shell tougher than an ostrich on steroids I have to admit it was rather a daunting prospect at first to be invited to be “Door Bitch” at the first post pandemic Hamlet Comedy Club. Of course that was the weirdest feeling in itself. The online clubs had kept the comedy flowing through months of politically fluid lockdowns, mendacious promises & false dawns but that was never going to replace the danger of live comedy in front of a hungry audience. But now we were back, albeit socially distanced with the crowds decamped to the outside bar. It also meant a “socially distanced” yours truly, parked at the health club entrance. Still after years on the turnstiles learning to read the game through the cheers of the Rabble... “Oh that’s a corner”, “nasty challenge”, “Oh no we’ve conceded a goal from a corner again”… it meant trying to interpret a joke from the response of the distant audience. Thank (insert relevant deity here) we were back in the inside bar before too long!

Being an obviously transgender woman (that is how my mind works anyway) it’s curious to observe how I’m perceived by the club attendees though thankfully I’ve yet to spot any “TERFs” in the wild. That said my experience of them, both online and the very rare occasion I was confronted by one outside cyberspace, is humour is something they probably had surgically removed at birth. If they do turn up they’ll be the ones sitting stony faced and totally perplexed whilst the rest of the audience collapses in fits. There’s an audience that’s buys into the Dulwich ethos and acts that do too. As DB I’ve chatted & made friends with many big names, personal heroes & heroines, legends indeed. The anticipation and excitement ahead of each months club never wanes.

Thinking of starting a comedy night? One say with actual proper good professional stand ups, at a non league football club in SE22, that runs the first Thursday of every month? Let MC Alexandra Haddow and promoter Matt Arnold teach you how to do just that, via a short quiz.

1 Your first night is coming up and a lot of people leaving a home game have told you they will come, do you?

A Realise that promoting a comedy night at a football match is as much use as flyering for a Car Boot Sale outside a Ten Pin Bowling Ally, and you need to steadily build your own audience.

B Decide the enthusiastic drunk people will definitely remember this chat in 10 days time, and worry no more about it.

2 What should a good poster for a comedy night have?

A All the relevant info, neatly designed with pics of any acts people might recognise from the telly

B Mainly a picture of your dog.

3 You need to persuade comics to perform at your new show, do you?

A Explain what makes Dulwich Hamlet different from most football clubs and, therefore, a lovely place to have a comedy gig.

B Assume that Football Twitter is the real world and Hamlet’s reputation proceeds us.

4 Acts booked! Now what else do you need to acquire before running a gig?

A Microphone, stage, lighting, chairs and a team of lovely and enthusiastic volunteers you would be screwed without.

B Mind-altering substances.

5 A relatively minor comedy industry figure inadvertently puts an inaccurate slur about your latest night on their Instagram stories, how do you react ?

A Not worry about it, the gig sold out anyway, they usually do these days and that’s why it’s best to register for early access mailing list tickets at HamletComedy.co.uk

B Six months on, still lie awake in the early hours plotting revenge, reach a point where you can only ‘get in the mood’ if your partner audibly details lurid fantasies about this individual’s inevitable personal and professional downfall.

6 You are kindly offered the chance to write an article about the night in the club’s newspaper, should you?

A Point out tickets are a bargain £10 for five brilliant acts - past headliners have included Ed Gamble, Mark Thomas, Nish Kumar & Fern Brady and we are @HamletComedy on all the socials. Oh and, did we mention, it’s the first Thursday of the month?

B Abandon 5 drafts due to worries you are sounding a bit pretentious, have a panic attack, realise you are about the miss the deadline, finally submit an ill thought-out quiz format you came up with while having a dump.

Mostly ‘A’s Congratulations, you clearly know what you are doing. Now is there any chance you could hop in a time machine and pop back to East Dulwich in May 2019? There are a couple of people who need your help.

Mostly ‘B’s Congratulations you are us.