Focus on Finances

FOCUS ON FINANCES

Financial Strategies for Surviving Divorce

by Kelly Trevethan

In my 36 years as a Private Wealth Counselor, I have seen many divorces. Make no mistake about it — divorce is heartbreaking. To make matters worse, you’re left to figure out how to salvage the economics of your new financial life after the divorce.

I have found that, for my clients, the best way to start is by taking one step at a time. Write down a list of the most important items and then commit to addressing them one by one. Facing the difficult reality of divorce can be scary and create loads of anxiety, but you can and will get through this. It all starts with having trusted advisors who can help you create a plan designed to provide you with financial peace of mind. Divorce rarely goes smoothly, as people’s worst traits get exposed during this process, not for all, but for many couples. Taking care of you is where it all must start. You need to surround yourself with people

who can help fill up your positive emotional energy cup. You need to choose professionals who can support you in all areas, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, legally and financially. The first thing you need to do is to take care of your body and pay attention to your own needs. Find someone to help you with meditation, yoga or work with a personal trainer at your local health club. You will need to find a strong divorce lawyer. A good lawyer will help you understand what your rights are, along with your responsibilities, throughout this process. It’s important that your attorney is more of a teacher than a dictator. The goal is to legally close the relationship, then move on. Financial worries can and will be some of your biggest stressors, so ask your existing trusted advisors (CPA, estate planning attorney), for several recommendations for a qualified financial advisory firm. It is important to ask if the firm has a special divorce planning group. You should interview each financial advisor and ask for references you can call to confirm they have done a good job advising their existing divorced clients. A qualified financial advisor should do a thorough analysis of every aspect of your financial life. At my firm, Mariner Wealth Advisors, we call this a “Financial Control Scorecard.” This will include learning about your current retirement accounts, insurance policies and employee benefit plans. Finding your new trusted support team may take time, so don’t rush these important choices. Find the best personality fit that makes you feel at peace. When working with a qualified

“It’s important that your attorney is more of a teacher than a dictator.”

financial advisor, the first step they will take is to take an inventory of the assets you have and help you to determine where you are now and how to generate income from your investments that can help sustain your lifestyle after the divorce. This could be a list of assets you own individually or jointly with your spouse and will include 401(k) plans, stock options, real estate holdings, private investments and deferred compensation plans. Your financial advisor will ask you to collect all your legal documents. Always remember to send documents using a secure uplink, which your financial advisor’s firm should provide to you. With all the cybersecurity breaches that have taken place recently, you do not want to send these private documents over standard email. Uploading them into a secure link protects your personal information from getting into the wrong hands. Your financial advisor should ask you to provide any life insurance,

traditional health care coverages and long-term care policy information to review and keep current, while you complete the divorce proceedings. Your advisor can review the policies to make certain they are still appropriate for you, post the division of assets. Another reason to update your insurance policies, is to name a new beneficiary after your divorce. Post-divorce, your life insurance and disability payouts should go to loved ones who depend on your income, not your former spouse. A financial advisor worth their weight will be sure you have at least a term life policy worth 10–12 times your annual income, to protect your loved ones should anything unexpected happen to you. Like life insurance, your will or living trust document will need to be updated to benefit your kids and loved ones. You’ll need to update these documents, so your possessions and assets go to the right people and not your former spouse. It is best to wait until the divorce is final, so you know which assets to include into your new estate planning documents. After the divorce is final, you will want to update your powers of attorney. You most likely will want to remove your former spouse from having the power of attorney to make your financial or medical decisions for you, should you become incapacitated due to an accident or injury. With the assistance of a qualified financial advisor, you will be able to put yourself in a better position to live your best life and have peace of mind that your wealth plan reflects this life change. You don’t have to go it alone. Having the right advice along the way from a team that puts your interests first is key — don’t settle for anything less. O

KELLY TREVETHAN is a senior wealth advisor with Mariner Wealth Advisors. He is a 36-year veteran of the financial services industry and has helped many families navigate divorce.

He can be reached at:

Kelly.trevethan@marinerwealthadvisors.com

The views expressed are for commentary purposes only and do not take into account any individual personal, financial, legal or tax considerations. As such, the information contained herein is not intended to be personal legal, investment or tax advice. Nothing herein should be relied upon as such, and there is no guarantee that any claims made will come to pass. The opinions are based on information and sources of information deemed to be reliable, but Mariner Wealth Advisors does not warrant the accuracy of the information.

Mariner Wealth Advisors (“MWA”), is an SEC registered investment adviser with its principal place of business in the State of Kansas. Registration of an investment adviser does not imply a certain level of skill or training. MWA is in compliance with the current notice filing requirements imposed upon registered investment advisers by those states in which MWA maintains clients. MWA may only transact business in those states in which it is notice filed or qualifies for an exemption or exclusion from notice filing requirements. Any subsequent, direct communication by MWA with a prospective client shall be conducted by a representative that is either registered or qualifies for an exemption or exclusion from registration in the state where the prospective client resides. For additional information about MWA, including fees and services, please contact MWA or refer to the Investment Adviser Public Disclosure website (www.adviserinfo.sec.gov). Please read the disclosure statement carefully before you invest or send money.

BY MONIQUE REIDY

LAURA

WASSER’S

EVOLUTION of DISSOLUTION

PHOTOGRAPHS BY KEVIN FOLEY PHOTOGRAPHY / MAKEUP BY CHRISTA FOLEY WARDROBE: MS WASSER’S COLLECTION

IN OUR GO-FOR-THE-JUGULAR DIVORCE CULTURE, ONE OF THE

MOST RECOGNIZED NAMES IN MARITAL DISSOLUTION SAYS

THE TRUE SECRET TO A HAPPY DIVORCE IS THE WILLINGNESS

TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON. LAURA WASSER, A SAVVY BEVERLY

HILLS-BASED DIVORCE LAWYER WHO HAS REPRESENTED SOME OF

THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY’S BEST-KNOWN CELEBRITIES,

IS ON A MISSION TO CHANGE THE FACE OF DIVORCE.

DISSOLUTION

E V OLUTION of

Laura Wasser’s persona is far from the common depiction of today’s tough lawyer.

She’s stunning, smart, socially engaging, and perfectly wrapped in designer clothing (the ones you can only purchase if you’re a size zero). And of course, she’s always adorned in amazing shoes. But beyond her beauty is a hard-working woman who is compassionate and believes that “tough” has more to do with being educated than inflexible. “I hate it when I go to a doctor and I don’t understand what they’re telling me,” Wasser says, “that’s why I do my best to take the information I know and distill it in the most understandable way, so the client has all the information needed to make reasonable decisions. I think people are intimidated by professionals and I don’t want clients to feel that way.” Wasser believes that helping individuals embark on their next chapter is a vital part of her job and she does so by guiding them through the journey with an astute knowledge of family law. “People may not be thrilled with the outcome of a divorce - it’s not easy to watch half of that stock portfolio go to someone else,” she says, “but you’re going to be happier than if you spent another 12 or 18 months in litigation and paid a ton more in legal fees.” Her primary recommendation to those starting the divorce process is to acquire as much information as possible. Although her hourly rate is $1000.00, Wasser’s initial consult with prospective clients is free of charge. “Have meetings with divorce lawyers, come in for the divorce 101 talk,” Wasser advises, “it’s another chance to be empowered.” Knowing what the law says goes a long way in understanding how a settlement will turn out. “Divorcing people need to tell their story,” Wasser says, “they have to get it out in front of a neutral person.” They may tell their therapist, support group, or lawyer and usually, telling a judicial officer is important to them. “The judge won’t listen to your whole story because he or she doesn’t have time on their docket,” she says, “so tell your lawyer the story, but at the end of the day, it’s just about dividing assets in a community property State.” The fact that California is a nofault State is a good thing, Wasser believes. “The burden of proof would not work today with apps like Photoshop.” She also believes that California’s divorce laws are better than in other States. “We’re seeing much more mediation here,” says Wasser, “in California we have better dad laws and can use private judges, so we don’t clog up the court system.” Wasser is a proponent of keeping divorce issues and facts private, however, in the State of California, the minute a divorce is filed, it’s public. She’s hoping to change that despite the media’s desire to retain access to salacious celebrity divorce details.

On an even larger scale, she believes there is still work to be done to change the way this country views divorce. “In 30 years, divorce hasn’t changed much at all,” she says. “I’m not a therapist but I do know that if you’ve been married to someone and you have children together, there was a time when you were in love,” says Wasser, “so can’t we make this uncoupling a little more reasonable and respectable, especially if you have to co-parent?” Wasser’s perspective about co-parenting is reflected in her personal experience. She was married once for 14 months and has two sons by two men she never married but

“I think people are intimidated byprofessionals and I don’t want clients to feel that way.”

with whom she shares custody. They all get along well because they have worked together to accommodate each other’s plans and lifestyles and put their children first. “I am able to co-parent so well with the fathers of my kids because I watched my parents do it,” says Wasser, “they always got along well.” Wasser’s parents, both lawyers, had a tremendous positive impact on her on may levels. Her mom, who passed away in 2019, was her consummate cheerleader and amazing female role model. Her father, celebrated family law attorney, Dennis Wasser, is her biggest fan and her idea of a tough guy. “I started working at my dad’s firm when I was out of law school, waiting for my bar results,” Wasser says, “and I found that I loved family law.” Now the managing partner at Wasser, Cooperman, and Mandles, she is passionate about helping clients through one of the toughest transitions they’ll likely go through. Wasser honed her skill as a clever lawyer by working with her father. “My dad and his partner taught me to watch the judge, more so than even opposing counsel (and it’s not so easy with a mask),” she says, “I pay attention to what they’re tracking, and when they pick up a pen and start writing.” She also attributes some of her success to a supportive team. “Our firm is like a family,” Wasser says, “we enjoy each other so much –everyone from the IT guy to the receptionist to the senior partners. And the woman who runs the entire firm has been my best friend since second grade.” A lifelong Angeleno, Wasser is well-connected to her community. She graduated from Beverly Hills High School and still maintains longtime friendships with former classmates, some with whom she serves alongside in philanthropic efforts. “Most of those non-profits benefit the Los Angeles region and involve custody cases and domestic violence issues in the underprivileged sectors.” In her effort to help improve the face of the divorce system in California, Wasser created an online mediation platform called “It’s Over Easy.” The site features support calculators, custody calendars, and computations for standard of living determinations. The platform processes the assets and the incomes, computes the figures, and calculates the settlement. The parties can then submit the paperwork to the court. “We’ve had users say we’re never going to be able to do this, we need lawyers,” says Wasser, “but most of the time, they work it out. If they hit a wall, they are referred to a lawyer.” “People feel like they’re the masters of their destiny,” she says, “they apply the law on their own, and it’s better than having a judge bang her gavel and say you won, or you lost.” It’s Over Easy has been such a success that it’s in the process of being acquired by a multi-national legal tech company, adding “savvy entrepreneur” to Wasser’s long list of accomplishments. Wasser has authored “It Doesn’t Have to be This Way,” available on Amazon, and hosts two podcasts, “Divorce Sucks” and “All’s Fair.” The common thread through Wasser’s work is her conviction that “this too shall pass — if you’re going through a terrible time you’ll get through it,” she says, “If things are good, enjoy it and seize the day: Carpe Diem!” “I believe in happy endings,” says Wasser, “and I believe that people need to compromise, communicate and work together.” And her advice to those battling out a difficult divorce? “Be the bigger person,” she says, “if you’re the bigger person the other person will rise up to be better. It’s also a great example for the kids.”

Wasser aspires to help individuals as well as an entire system to do better. “I really hope that I can leave a mark on this industry,” she says, “I hope we do divorce differently as a result of my work.” O

“If you’re the bigger person the other person will rise up to be better. It’s also a great example for the kids.”

E V OLUTION of DISSOLUTION

Information is shared far more selectively as responses are less predictable or desirable. Then there are the treasured women in my network with whom I share particular kinds of things, because either I know they could relate or because their perspective is very different than my own, and thus useful. Then of course there are those gals who were once-upon-atime in my circle that made me wonder: is she a real friend?

Strong bonds between women are vitally important as we negotiate both the everyday stuff of life and the bigger challenges and choices we face. While I feel fortunate to have a range of meaningful female friendships, I’ve had my share of dysfunctional relationships too, and I have pulled the life-support cord on more than one friendship. To me, there is a one question test to gauge whether a friendship is healthy: does she bring out the best in me? The best barometer for the health of a friendship is your own mood and behavior. If you find, like I have, that you have a female friend with whom you are short tempered, passive aggressive, unsupportive or simply uninterested, it isn’t a healthy friendship and it really doesn’t matter whose “fault” it is. Cut the cord. But then there are the kinds of friends that enrich our lives in many ways, and they aren’t all the same.

As a sociologist interested in relationships and identity, I have had the opportunity to interview many women about their friendships and

“A good springboard friend won’t come back at us with the one “right” answer but will throw different ideas out there and let us reach our own conclusion.”

the role they play in their sense of self. In much of my research I explore female friendships and the ways women communicate with each other— what we do and don’t say to each other. Through all of this I have come to see there are “types” of friends women often have and each type is based on specific patterns of interpersonal communication. Here are five

common friend types and why we may want women who embody them in our circle:

Springboards: We all need

friends we can bounce ideas off— whether it’s advice about dating, marriage or our sex lives, decoding our feelings about one of our rela-

tionships, changing our hair or our job, it’s healthy to get our thoughts out. A good springboard friend won’t come back at us with the one “right” answer but will throw different ideas out there and let us reach our own conclusion. Sometimes we need to work it out for ourselves, but not by ourselves. A friend who asks things like, “how do you feel about that?” or “what are your options?” can provide just what we need in those moments.

Mirrors: There are some friends that know us better than anyone else in our lives. They look at us and know how we feel and what we need from them, whether it’s a hug, a good long talk, or something else. Just one friend like this can carry us through a lifetime. Sometimes this person is a cradle to grave friend we were lucky enough to sit next to in a sandbox when we were little, but these wonderful women can come to us at other times in our life too. When someone can mirror your truth back at you, and it is entirely authentic, you’ve got a friend for life.

Safety Nets: Sometimes we just want someone who will say nice things to us. You know - that friend who is always smiling and ready to tell you that your hair looks good, your kids are wellbehaved, and you kicked-butt at work. We know she’ll never say a bad word to us, or something difficult for us to hear and she’ll always provide a safe place to fall. Tough Love: We all need at least one forthright, unabashedly honest and let’s say it, bossy broad in our lives. This friend doesn’t say things to wound or cause drama, but she calls you out when you’re trying to lie to yourself and we love her for it.

Mutual Silence is Kindness:

Sometimes we simply don’t want to talk about it, whatever it is. We aren’t ready. It’s too painful or embarrassing. The greatest girlfriends know when silence is indeed golden, and they make it easy for us; they listen and they don’t ask. In return, we do the same for them, even if we have to bite our lip or pretend that we don’t see and hear something that we do see or hear. Sometimes the most empathy one gal can express to another comes in the hush of quietness. O

PATRICIA LEAVY, PHD is an acclaimed popfeminist author and expert commentator as well as a leading qualitative and arts-based researcher with a dozen books to her credit, including American Circumstance. Dr. Leavy has appeared on national and local television and is regularly quoted in such international, national and local print news as The New York Times, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The Los Angeles Times. www.patricialeavy.com

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