The Daily Butter Synonymous with lardy news
Est. 2005
FREE!
www.argaankan.com facebook.com/argaankan
Spring Instasnap
SPORT see final page
Get the smoothest hashtags from Angry Duck on Instagram. How do you like this saucy Wigpig ? She is smoking hot bacon on wheels. Well, next to wheels anyway.
check it out @argaankanofficial
Football man shouts with joy when wind blows through hair. Read the full story in the sports section on page 4!
Angry Duck goes to Berlin The main story of this newspapah is that Angry Duck went to Berlin in huge form. The journey began in Edinburgh on the 22nd of April 2015 and ended in Berlin on the 27th, but who knows when it really ends, if you know what I mean. Although the journey really began in Edinburgh in 2005 when Angry Duck was born, but that is a different story for a different section of the newspapah.
LOST AND FOUND Toilet lost in central Berlin. Have you seen it? It is white porcelain. How can I go to the toilet without a toilet? I even bought enough toilet paper to last me a year but now it is of no use to me, sadsmileyface. (no longer) Toilet User Brown object found in Grünewald. I think it is a poo from dog, ape, human or eagle. May also be a chunky stick. Is it yours?
Please check out angryduckblog.com in a few weeks if you want to know about giant Angry Duck’s journey through Europe in a car with humans and other things.
Pocahontas MacGyverson
Arga Ankan means Angry Duck in Swedish. It sounds better that way. Angry Duck was lucky enough to be in the Pictoplasma Academy 2014, so because of that he gets to be in the Pictoplasma Conference exhibition in 2015. Angry Duck is a duck who likes to wear different shoes, has fangs and super angry
ANGRY SEA GULL SPOTTED in TOWN
The dedicated reader KamferTor Harrykleiner has spotted a very angry sea gull, and has sent a picture of it to our newspapah. The sea gull is looking supscious and rather cross indeed. The gull reportedly ate 7
kebabs and 3 small children plus a medium to small horse before leaving behind some rather large stools where it had its headquarters for the past 2 weeks, according to The Daily Butter’s source, who we must assume is reliable. But after all, who can we trust these days. KamferTor Harrykleiner seemed like a very serious and handsome chap and that is good enough for us.
eyebrows. He is male, for anyone wondering about that. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him wearing ladies shoes sometimes. Each to their own. Angry Duck is only angry with bad people. Not only people that are mean to him, but also with others who haven’t deserved it.
Who decides who deserves it? Angry Duck does. He uses common sense. Now he is in Berlin, so enjoy him whilst you can. He has been to Berlin before, and pure loves it. Angry Duck loves you, if you are a nice person and not a rasist individual who is mean to kids and animals, smileyface or not really.
Bucket of cat snot lost. Reward is plenty home made cinnamon rolls. Angry Duck Picture of Angry Boss found. Is he yours?
Thankful He’s Not Mine
APE SHOUTS WITH OPEN MOUTH An ape has been reported to open its mouth when sitting whenever it pleases. The Daily Butter spoke to Derrick Ausderreihemann, a local denture manufacturer who observed it all. -”It was really happening”, says Ausderreihemann, snorting and snoring. “The ape opened its mouth and I have no idea why. It made me feel sick to my stomach. All my dentures fell out on the ground, so I had to pick
them up and put them in a little pouch I carry in my bum bag”, says a furious Ausderreihemann whilst lifting his eyebrows up and down a few times. An upsetting experience.
Have you seen this man? His name is Mike James and he was last seen on the M8 towards Juniper Green riding his Bike James. Reward for tangible information.
A cheeky interview with Karen Anna Solberg Sandholm, the graphic illustrator who created Angry Duck. Karen Anna is being interviewed by Karen Anna, this is absolutely crazy and unheard of. But people do it all the time when they write their CVs in third person so at least I am being honest about it, hey. Karen Anna is from Levanger, Norway but lives in Edinburgh, Scotland. She is 32 years old and 161cm tall and weighs the same as many bags of sugar and lard.
CREATOR TONIGHT
We meet Karen Anna lying on the couch, as she is typing this interview. Lol not lol. She is looking scruffy and tired and has huge bags under her eyes. No glamour whatsoever. Her flat is full of cat hairs. -”What is your favourite dinosaur?”, I ask, Gonzo journalist style. -”Triceratops” says Karen Anna without a doubt. How very informative, it is like I know her better already. She smiles so that many double chins appear, it looks revolting. I quickly change the subject so I can think about something else. - “Do you have any known diseases?” I ask. -”No I don’t, do you?” says Karen Anna. I don’t. TOUCH WOOD. She spits on the floor. Ok, that was a lie. -”What about mayonnaise, do you like it?” I ask, temptingly. -”No, it tastes and smells awful, and looks like the yellow stuff inside spots” says my interview object. Good to know, as I was going to offer her some mayonnaise pellets. -”What
is your favourite breed of goose then, young lady?” I ask her straight up. -” Bayerische Landgans” says Karen Anna. -”But I also really like goats.” Good to know. We take a break to go to the toilet. After warming her up with these smooth questions, I finally say: “Tell me about Angry Duck then”. It is not a question but an order. -”Angry Duck is the voice inside you when someone is treating you or others badly, but the situation you are in means there is nothing you can do or say about it. Unfairness is the worst thing I know in the world, but in so many cases you have to accept what is happening without being able to set it straight, and people get away with the most incredible things just
because of who they are or the money they have. Angry Duck says what you want to say when you are forced to bite your tongue. He sometimes goes a bit further and acts a tiny bit violent but trust me, only with those who really deserves it. He came about in Easter 2005, when I was working with phone support for an electronics company. It is shocking how people can take rudeness to a whole other level when they are not face to face with you, but speaking to you on the phone. They are phoning up for you to help them, and they speak to you like you are a piece of leech faeces. People were listening in on our conversations, so I couldn’t say anything back or even defend myself. I started drawing this duck in Microsoft Paint, and
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pretending he was coming for all the people that were rude to me when I was trying to help them. I even had their addresses on our computer system, and that was one of the threats my duck had when he was coming for them. At first, Angry Duck was just angry in general, but then his anger became targeted at only those who were being unfair or overly aggressive. I later had many jobs in retail, and even though I love the part where you meet lovely people who totally make your day, there are so many people who don’t,
and that are incredibly rude and awful. Many of my characters are based on actual people and some, like the sheep, are based on a combination of several bad p e o p l e . I t gives great satisfaction to draw someone like a character after they have just treated you like shit, and then drawing Angry Duck pushing them into a mosquito tunnel or into a greenhouse full of nettles”. I shake her hand eagerly to thank for t h e informative interview.
COmics
SUDOKU PUZZLES
PADS! PADS! PADS!
HOROSCOPES for may
Easy
Difficult
ARIES You will be eaten by a carnivorous plant this month, dear Aries. There is no escape for you, according to the planets. There is no way out unfortunately ;(
LIBRA Your skin will wrinkle up A LOT this month, so you look like a prune or a Shar Pei dog. If you take lots of cute photos of your wrinkles, you can make enough for a calendar.
TAURUS One of your legs will suddenly start growing lots, no matter your age. The Drool planet will conjuct the sun and that is what causes leg growth. Congratulations!
SCORPIO Sadly we didn’t have a scorpio icon, so we have replaced it with this sort of frizzy hair turtle lizard or whatever it is. There is no horoscope either I’m afraid. No future for you.
GEMINI This month you will inherit from a family member. Most likely a disease, but also possibly their kids that you now will have to care for. Start saving money now!
SAGITTARIUS Yo u will gain a lot of weight this month, and that makes you really happy. The lard and blobber will go everywhere on your body and will never come off.
CANCER What will turn out to be the biggest acne spot in the world is growing on your bum. This will be painful, but try to get publicity and turn it into something positive.
CAPRICORN Your body will give you neopubertism this month, and all the familiar and fussy feelings and hormones will come back and raid your body like a rollercoaster. Enjoy!
LEO You need to stop being naked all the time, because the planets say that you will end up in prison for it eventually. It is illegal to be naked in public. Buy some clothes.
AQUARIUS The faecal planet will make all the hairs on your body grow, apart from on your head. Fertile hair glands will appear inside palms, on eyeballs and creative new places >:)
VIRGO 76% of your teeth will fall out now. If you can’t afford dentures, you will struggle. Maybe get some blue-tack to attach the old teeth until you have saved up for new ones.
PISCES The sun is in your 67th house of fertility, so you will become a father this month. Eat lots because you need your energy levels to be high will all this offspring appearing.
Pad mania! We go crazy for pads! Get your normal pads, night time pads or Turkish pads here!
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WEATHER BERLIN
a selection of days
02.05
03.05
4 on tha back
04.05
05.05
Ok, who is drawing my cat? Kiss my hand. I’m A Dancer
The name of this newspaper
Ellis Griffiths I breastfed Angry Duck when he was a newly hatched lil’ duckling
30.04
Who is drawing my cat?
What is your relationship with Angry Duck?
Ingunn S. Sandholm If it hadn’t been for me, the giant duck would not exist. I am also a super sewer
29.04
I would like to complain about the name “The Daily Butter”. It is unserious and silly, and makes me really annoyed, right into my spleen. Wish you had chosen a better name for it, like “Seriousness Bugle” or “No Nonsense Mail”. David Weatherston
(at night)
06.05
SPORT
HELP! I think I have reached puberty, is this the Agony Aunt column? What will happen to me? What do I do? What is discharge? Wondering Soul Angry Duck
I want to point out that spelling errors are the worst thing ever. They are truly unforgivable and rather crocodillian. Nothing else matters more than correct spelling, those who do not spell right should be forced to lick toads until they have taken their medicine and can spell correctly. I am sure The Daily Butter is filled to the brim with spelling errors and similar atrocities.
I am writing this letter to raise a question about Angry Duck. He is rude and really offensive. Why should we let creations like this into our society? Why should we expose our children to such profanity and ill behaviour? I am merely wanting people to think about this because I am a boring know-it-all fart who knows I am far better than anyone else and also that I know everything, I even know you better than you know yourself.
One Jolly Reader
M.Pee
Spelling errors
01.05
Falun, Sweden Angry Duck wins the cross country skiing world championship 50km easily over arch rival and arch enemy, Wanky Sheep. The conditions were tough, the snow was wet and slushy and it was bloody windy, too. Wanky Sheep was boasting and bragging before the race started about how great he is and also ridiculing Angry Duck’s skis
and making insults about Angry Duck’s mother. Wanky Sheep was trying to stick his ski pole between Angry Duck’s legs, but Angry Duck increased the gap between them and farted as he went away, leaving smelly clouds behind for when Wanky Sheep reached them. Wanky Sheep also had too much snot coming out to be able to deal with Angry Duck’s skiing superiority.
Footballer interview
Jacqui Calderwood I watched Dressrat being born, and I also witnessed the creation of Tanned Toad and Wigpig
Personnel wanted
Salt lick
People with no talent apart from arse licking wanted asap. Must be good stealing ideas and delegating their work to others and using big fluffy words to make it sound like they have done a lot and is good at what they do, when in fact they do a minimum.
Salt lick wanted extremely urgent! Must be free of cat snot, damn it!
Every Company Penpal wanted? Hia, penpal wanted please? Or? Must have correct spelling or letters will be dismissed. Fine. Motorbike! Emma-Kate O’Brien I’m Ireland’s biggest supporter of Angry Duck. Always have been, always will be
Frank L.
Would like to borrow a motorbike for photo shoots. Must be free of charge and cleanish. Wigpig aka Hot Bacon
Wanky Sheep Please stop it Can whoever that is calling me in the middle of the night just to fart down the phone please stop? Aaaah! I have a sore head :( Whingey Pike Stick insect I want that stick insect on the deck chair, but can’t afford it. Please can someone help me get it, I will do anything, anything at all! I need that stick insect in my life. Lardy Oystercatcher
Today features a portrait interview with fierce Scottish footballer shouting on the front page, David Weatherston. Who is your favourite actor? Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio. What did you look like when you were 18? Like that photo up in the top right corner there.
Who is David Duck? This guy here -->
Have you ever stolen a pen from work? Yes, five pens.
Have you ever won any trophies? Yes, plenty of them.
Pick two celebrities to be your parents? Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio.
What’s next, David Weatherston? I am going to California on holiday.
What is your biggest achievement to this date? When I paddled 72km in a canoe along the canal from Glasgow to Edinburgh for Angry Duck fame.
Why are you shouting on the front page? Because I was happy and expressed it by shouting.
Do you like prawns? Yes I do.
Thank you for this David.