baccis06

Contents This page............................... 2 Editor’s column..................... 3 Chairperson’s column........... 4 Mr. Lintunen........................... 5 Year on Board........................ 8 Kostajaiset............................. 10 Dr. Strangelove...................... 12 Potter..................................... 14 Board of 2006........................ 16 Poetry..................................... 20

BritPop................................... 22 Thai English........................... 25 Neuroviisut............................. 28 Floorball..................................30 Not chance encounters........ 32 7 Songs................................. 34 Twosomes............................. 36 Movie Review......................... 39 NMES..................................... 44 Feelings..................................47

Baccanalia 2006 - Anglica’s Yearly Publication Chef: Antti Koskinen Cooks: Antti Suomela, Minna Lindqvist, Sonja Forsström Cover & Year on Board: Heidi Tiltti Flatrat Comics: Unholy J Feelings: Various artists Run: 120 At: Digipaino http://anglica.org/ http://snglica.org/

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From the Editor Even better than the real thing?

I had some ambitious plans for this publication. One idea that I came up with for a long time ago was to introduce here one of the most successful students of English philology: Paleface. Well, due to lack of contacts and time (and effort), this failed.

However, we got a column from the paleface of Anglica, the one and only Jaakko Salminen. I’m sure you can see the affinity...

The scholarly part of this magazine was supposed to be represented by an interview from Noam Chomsky himself.

Unfortunately, the old man was busy writing his newest anti-Bush book, so again, we chose the next best linguist of all times, which, in our honest opinion, happened to be Pekka Lintunen from our own department. What a coincidence!

As for the movie review, I thought we could use the expertise of the merciless Tapani Maskula. Actually, he did agree to rate our movies until he saw our list of films. He hasn’t answered my calls since.

We had to replace him with a bunch of even more ruthless critics.

To continue with the theme, we had some essential questions from life that needed to be answered by a professional.

We called Dr. Phil, but he wasn’t willing to cooperate either. Luckily, we got an even better shrink to help us: legendary Dr. Strangelove!

We didn’t get poems by Arno Kotro, but we got one from the rising talent Sampsa Salomaa. We don’t have shabby material from Lordi or the Eurovision song contest, but we DO have an exclusive

coverage from Neuroviisut, reported by the winner trio themselves! If this ain’t the hottest stuff around, I know nothing about anything…

To sum up: we have gathered the greatest Baccanalia ever. Maybe not greatest by the quality, but at least the 48 pages must be a new record! I hope (and believe) that all of you will find at least something from this publication that suits your taste.

In addition to the traditional recap of the greatest moments from the Anglica events of the year, we also have lots of other interesting stories. Some are familiar from last year’s edition; some are brand new.

Finally, I would like to thank all people who have participated in this publication. Especially Minna, Sonja and SAntti.

And last but not least, to those of you that are still wondering about taking part in Anglica activities, I can only quote an anonymous travel agency: Go before it’s too late!

Antti

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Words from the Chair The sunshine came back. How many weeks was it with all shades of gray and grey? Even I began to miss it, although I still doubt I might have developed an allergy to it over the years. The difference is that things seem to be more in their own place now, and at times, anything else is plainly disconcerting. Because it is April, the weirdest month of them all, the way it looks outside will push you in any direction it decides to. Just what would it be?

Only a few days ago we had November all around us (was that why Morrissey’s concert was so short-lived?), but now you need to internalise the fact that it’s time for the final exams of the spring, time to set your mind for the lovely summer job you may have got, and time for breathing in the streets’ dust. There is plenty of the latter to go about in this town. And maybe all of the above-mentioned will provide you with more excuses to eat candy twice a week. No? Bummer.

I woke up sixish this morning and saw the sun rise, which is rare for me. It’s still rising.

Oh but what am I on about! Ok, ok, I think I want to go back to elementary school. At least for a few days. Perhaps it was the editor-in-chief’s question for the board section about an embarrassing school memory that started it. Nah, my longing began much earlier. That day last autumn when I got to teach English at the senior high I went to? Unequivocally the best work experience ever. I suspect the scapegoat is, however, the German course I just took at the Language Centre.

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The German text comprehension course certainly wasn’t the among the most academically intriguing ones I’ve had, but it was simply so nice to be there. For some reason it felt like being back in fourth grade.

I’m sure that as such wouldn’t be good for the teacher to hear, though. No, she didn’t treat us like kids, nor did we practice pranks on her teacher’s desk. One decisive factor may be that the teacher had an enormous confidence and enjoyment in what she was doing. Be it a Göethe poem, varieties of Weinrauben, or the Bundestag system, she made it sound like the most important thing in the world at the moment. That was the way they presented us things at elementary school, too. Bluffing it may be, but it made sense. You had a direction.

Now, with the more academically bent courses, every freaking state of affairs is relative. Well they can’t all be! Endless relatitivity, subversion, deconstruction, they’re on the wrong track! There must be more to it all, must be. Clearly, I’m having a mid-degree crisis. Until I someday approach solving it, let’s sip the vappu punch.

Minna

Behind the scenes: Mr. Lintunen Encouraged by numerous feedback letters, we took the bull by the horns and managed to get an interview from the phonetic phanatic of our department. Exclusively on Baccanalia-06: Pekka Lintunen!

Hello Pekka, and thanks for this interview.

You are extremely welcome!

TEACHING What courses have you taught this year? Do you have a personal favourite course among them?

The usual ones: phonetics, pronunciation and grammar for Basics, Oral Communication Skills for Inters, some methodology for Advanced and odd lectures here and there on other courses and some book exams. My favourite has probably been my new elective this spring because it’s nice to try something new every year.

How have the new freshmen succeeded?

This year we had a normal distribution, which is not surprising. It’s always nice to witness some great improvements. This year, the Pronunciation & Intonation course was shorter, though.

It was all done in one semester.

What do you and other teachers think about the new syllabus?

It seems to be working surprisingly well. This year there were so many changes that naturally some fine-tuning will be required next year, but fortunately not much. In terms of the new courses, the change should be referred to as an ‘improvement’, I hope.

And let’s hope that no more drastic changes are needed for a few years.

PHONETICS We all know your enthusiastic approach towards phonetics. But how did it begin? Where did you get the spark?

I guess you could say that it was the only thing that I found extremely difficult and decided to learn it! I’ve always had a linguistic mind and have always been a perfectionist and a nitpicker. I guess it just suits me.

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Like many students, I was desperately trying to find a minor and decided to try phonetics and realized during the first lecture course that it was what I wanted to know more about because it opened a whole new world for me.

Not a day goes by when I don’t meet something phonetically interesting in the world around me. Once you get over the heavy terminology, it gets more interesting, honestly!

How would you comment on the English spoken by Finnish Formula 1 – drivers? Which Finnish celebrities would be positive examples of pronunciation?

I try not to comment on these kinds of things in public. In communication the main thing is that the message will get across. If you understand the message, the communication has been successful. So in a sense, clear pronunciation is not even important for everyone. I’d love to answer Keith Armstrong and Neil Hardwick into your second question, but I suppose you want people like Jorma Ollila and Karita Mattila to name but a few.

You wrote your thesis on the study of pronunciation and phonemic transcription of advanced Finnish learners of English. How would you sum up the results of this study?

How much time do I have? The positive thing is that students clearly learn and can improve their pronunciation a lot. I also showed that the students who were the best transcribers were able to improve their pronunciation skills the most. I guess it means that if you’re motivated enough, you can achieve almost anything.

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Do you want to send some greetings to high school teachers of English?

Keep on the good work. And remember that written language is based on spoken language and not the other way around. Spoken language skills can and should be taught whenever possible.

ANGLICA How familiar are you with our student organization?

Hopefully familiar enough. I do read your notice board and check your webpage quite regularly. I think I have a good hunch of what you are doing.

Why were you not in the Anglica board back in the day?

Good question! To tell you the truth, I don’t think I have even been a member.

I joined Aksentti, which was some sort of an official organization for all languages, but that was split into smaller organizations during my third year and I never joined Anglica after that. I did spend three years in other student organization boards and have done all the necessary student things.

If I dare say I believe that the board seemed to be a little old for a young student back in my time. So here’s a tip: as fun as it is, never forget rotation in positions of trust if you want some new blood in.

Do you have suggestions for an Anglica event?

Students are quite resourceful in these and can always come up with the best ideas.

If you get bored with the traditional wine and cheese parties, you could consider hosting your own language evenings. Invite some international students or native speaker friends into your game nights and try playing Trivial Pursuit in English. There’s never enough language practice and what could be more fun than combining practice with parties. I guess this also explains why I was never in the Anglica board!

MISCELLANEOUS What kind of family do you have?

And how do they like your affection towards phonemes?

I have a wife, a 5-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter. Can you guess why I’m tired? Fortunately, my kids don’t have a clue of what I do for a living, but I suppose they are linguistically talented as they always seem to have something to say and can keep on talking about anything without a break for ever. It seems that I’m raising too chatty motor mouths. That must come from their mother’s side!

Do you really enjoy listening to boy bands as much as you say?

I don’t know whether I should stick to my image here or not? Who do you think has bought all the millions of cds they have sold? I have nothing against them in principle whether it’s ‘NSync, The Rasmus or Rammstein. And I do prefer Westlife’s version on ‘You raise me up’.

I guess my true musical preferences are even worse than these, but I need to keep some secrets. The best thing here is that I can have a profound discussion on music with any 8-year-old girl and have surprised a few parents with this skill. That’s the genre most people listen to before they realize that they should feel ashamed for it. I guess I haven’t reached that stage quite yet. Shame has never been my thing.

Is it true that you have participated in Paavo Nurmi Marathon? What is your record in marathon running?

So somebody has found my homepage? And it is not true, unfortunately. I have done the half-marathon for half a dozen times and have completed the Helsinki City Marathon once. I’m not that athletic so my record time is 2 hours 2 minutes for the halfmarathon, which is 2 minutes too much. I did manage the full one in less than 6 hours and was on a drip two days later for dehydration. The day was too hot and I couldn’t drink any liquid after the first 10k’s. But I wanted to get to the finish line – and I did.

Any final comments for the readers?

Thank you for this year. I hope I will see you all next year. Study hard! It will all be over sooner than you think!

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KOSTAJAISET Sonja Forsström Actually, Kostajaiset by the rookies of 2005 [actually edited by the former actual editor-in-chief] Before beginning the actual [sic] recount of the second-ever Kostajaiset, I must apologise to those rookies, whose “rasti” I didn’t visit.

Thanks to my slow running pace and fondness of alcohol (explanation to follow), I can’t report anything about your accomplishments. But I’m sure you did just great!

Anyhow, to the actual [sic] story-part: the evening kicked off at Juslenia, where we met with the “little ones” (actually, most older than me). Our task in lecture room XXVII was to perform more or less musical numbers Idols-style. In addition, we had to pick names for our groups.

Ours (that’s me, Laura, Mamu and Taru) was called the Fucking Bitches (no verb-object relation here! [comment here was cut by the former actual editor-in-chief’s conscience]).

After the name [&nose] -picking and other ceremonies, we were handed our eggs and condoms (?) and were sent off with other teams, namely Schweinhund (Mama, Ilkka-Possu, Anttoni & Sampsa) and some other sorry people. [what do you think, should the last part be in square brackets? nah…]

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The first rasti the Fucking Bitches visited was Puutorin Vessa and it was a quiz-sort of rasti. To the frustration of us posher group members, the only accent allowed was the American kind. Actually [sic], the only question I remember had to do with hair-length estimation. [guess whose] The theme of the next rasti was 80’s –style band make-over, which was just as off-putting (though fun) as it sounds! Lots of hairspray, skanky bright-coloured makeup and ugly 80’sstyle clothes. What’s worse, we were ordered to wear the outfit for the rest of the evening! Not a pretty sight, I tell you... [sonja, come here for a second… see this dictionary? think you can find the word “obvious” here somewhere? good girl!]

All our ugly UFF-clothes on, we headed for the next rasti, where the task was to party! Nice, once you got into the apartment... Actually [just plain sic], the last sighting of our porn magazine (purchased to entertain the judges [right]) was at this rasti… If you know anything about its whereabouts, let us know! {i know! ask me!} [there’s clearly too many people involved in this] (Let’s move on shall we… And I mean all of us.)

Having spent too much time at the party rasti a.k.a. Lilli[-Killi]’s place, we found ourselves having to run for the next bus. I was carrying all of our booze [inside yourself] and, unsure of the bus driver’s attitude towards passengers with lots of alcohol, tried to hide and/or drink the booze while running. In the end, I, and the alcohol [inside you], missed the bus. Luckily, Schweinhund [friend of uff’s?] was in sight and so my journey continued with them. [luckily for uff, i guess] As it happened, Schweinhund was on its way to the 80’s band-rasti. Which meant even more hairspray, makeup and ugly outfits on top of the older gears!

Looking probably more 80’s than anyone, it was time for me to join my original group. The next rasti, in Hunter’s, enabled me to use my womanly charms [the what] to bribe a judge [who was both blind *and* dead, i hear], which was nice [you necrophiliac, you]. The other Fucking Bitches impressed the other judges by drawing provocative pictures [of you and the corpse, right?]. We had been told beforehand that boobies was the way to go.

After visiting most of the rastis, the revengers and revengees gathered in Rento for the award ceremonies. The little ones [hoppits?] had even got Pexi [the actual chief hoppit?] to make an appearance, which was a pleasant surprise and a fine achievement from our then Party and Culture Persons to-be! Pexi also chose a team to be dubbed “Pexi’s favourite”, and it was us Bitches! The actual […] winner of Kostajaiset was Schweinhund [quelle surprise]. Given this data, it’s easy to calculate who was the only one to have snuck her way to a total of two winning teams…

The party continued in Giggling, still in the hairspray and makeup. As far as I could tell, everyone had a fun time in the bar as well as at Kostajaiset in general. I just hope the organisers weren’t too frustrated – I heard about some throwing of sandwiches outside Rento… Whatever the case, the second-in-row and second-ever Kostajaiset was a [n apparent secondto-none] success! Rookies of next year, here’s something for you to try to beat! [what a platitudinous ending to the story! here’s what really happened: blank]

Editors’ Top 5 Movies (seen lately) Sonja:

KAntti:

1. Match Point 2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 3. Memento 4. Life is Beautiful (by Roberto Benigni) 5. Shortcuts

1. Memento 2. Road to Perdition 3. Last Days of Disco 4. Goodbye Lenin 5. From Hell

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DR. STRANGELOVE: Questions and Answers For the third year running, Anglica’s legendary shrink has answered some questions from people with practical or philosophical issues. Once again, the editors wash their hands from the following:

How much is a lot? from 1+2+3+4…

Dear Anal-retentive Accountant, Not enough, obviously.

How many roads must a man walk down? from These Boots Are Made For Walking Dear Roadkill Waiting To Happen, You? Many. Most other people on the other hand have long ago secured alternative transportation for their aimless wanderings, and can therefore spend their time feeling all superior and snickering to the hapless pedestrians. Or, if by some chance, as slim as it may be, you’re referring to philosophical roads, you’ll be hitting an immovable object right.. about.. now. And since you’re not by any means an unstoppable force, the situation is pretty much resolved.

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I seem to have many personalities.

Is this normal? from Things Are Getting Crowded Dear Freaks-’R-Us, Don’t worry, I’ve met you and can safely say that not one of your socalled personalities actually counts as one.

Who invented curling and how? from I’s Be Tired Of Bowling Dear I Like To Get My Rocks Off, It all began a long time ago in an outof-the-way Scottish rock quarry which had been commissioned to produce several dozen round eye stones by the Rapa Nui separatist movement in an effort to increase import and thus destabilize the local economy and ultimately lead to a communist takeover. Unfortunately before the Scots could make the first delivery the main conspirator was “accidentally” crushed under a wee rock weighing about 15 000 pounds, thus negating the contract. The unhappy Scottish workers, after being told that “no

contract, no wages, sorry”, decided to at least put the rocks in to good use and devised a contest of skill, where the object was to hit the quarry foreman McNipple (buried up to his neck in the ground) in the head with one of the rocks. The game caught on like fire, but during the following centuries as it spread all over the world it was watered down to an exceedingly wimpy version of the original. Which, ironically, is what happens to a lot of Scotch whisky as well.

gradu, the sufferer will now throw down all her/his earthly possessions (i.e. clothing and such) and run amok until such time that air is once again freely circulating in her/his lungs. The return afterwards to the pile of clothing is most often a stealth operation envied by several of the top-notch intelligence bureaus of the world.

Who is the mysterious flasher from the libraries of Juslenia? from I Like Naked People

Dear I Seriously Need A Life, Any Life, First off we need to clear up where you put in your DVD discs. …On second thought, please spare me the details and just trust me when I say that in this instance your mother was right and that will make you go blind.

Just thinking about it is making my vision blurry.

Dear Red Light District Regular, Contrary to popular belief, there’s no one particular flasher in Juslenia.

What we have is a spree of spontaneous flashings. This rare form of nudism is directly caused by gradu-angst and the inability to express yourself in a suitable academic manner. If you want to see this process in its entirety, go to the library, find a person writing her/his gradu (compulsive nervous gestures, deep sighs and a panicky look darting this way and that are good indicators of a gradu-sufferer. Oh, and a shitload of really esoteric books.) and sit in wait. Sooner or later you will observe tremors, drooling, increasingly severe hair-pulling, etc. Once the object of your scrutiny starts sweating profusely, the condition has advanced to a stage where the flashing is imminent. In an attempt to escape the suffocating death-trap that is her/his

Why does my computer crash when I put in my Stargate DVD’s? from I Gotta Have My Fix

Why do you have to be so mean? from I Can Handle Constructive Criticism, Really I Can Dear Weener, First of all, I prefer to think of myself as nicety-challenged. Secondly, it’s really inconsiderate to call me mean.

It could be that as a child I was locked in the shed, fed only pigeons and denied all human contact altogether, only a pile of Mad magazines to amuse myself with, thus leaving me without the necessary skills to communicate in a society-approved manner. Or, it could just be because I like it. You choose.

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HARRY POTTER Mamu Salmijärvi

Yes, this piece is about Harry Potter. Well, not exactly the wonder boy himself but spells and other useful things found in the books. Spells and whatnots in the films differ from those in the books but I rely solely on the original J.K. Rowling creations from the series. I´m introducing a few spells that would undoubtedly prove handy in the academic world. If you have something against the world of Harry Potter, that´s your problem, not mine. Those of you who are narrow-minded and potterfobics can go and screw yourselves for all I care. :) ”Muffliato!” -fills the ears of target persons near the caster with an unidentifiable buzzing, so that the caster can hold lengthy conversations without being overheardDead useful in class when you wanna share your pathetic little life with a friend. Can also be used in the corridors of the department without the fear of our dear old teachers overhearing us nagging about them. ”Lumos!” -with this incantation the tip of the caster´s wand lits upExtremely handy on those late nights when you´ve had a few too many

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drinks and it´s difficult to locate your keys in the darkness, let alone figure out where to put the key.

”Silencio!” -magically silences the target of the spellWouldn´t it be fun to cast this spell on a teacher in class and watch them open and close their mouth in awe?

Or use it on an unsuspecting friend who goes on and on about how they wanna raise all the 4´s in their report card? One can always dream... ”Aguamenti!” -causes water to come from the end of the caster´s wandNo more water bottles, no more thirsty hangover moments, no more.. You get the picture. Water. Lots of water.

”Evanesco!” -this spell makes an object disappearIdeal in exams, especially if performed non-verbally, ´cause how can they blame you for cheating if they can´t find any evidence? ”Obliviate!” -this Memory Charm erases parts of the victim´s memory, or all of itPicture a boring class where the professor is droning on about something you don´t give a rat´s ass.

You decide some action is needed and just when the guy next to you is falling asleep, you stand up and you give the professor a piece of your mind. Then you simply perform the spell and the professor won´t remember a thing, but you and your friends can laugh and laugh and laugh... Brilliant. :) ”Legilimens!” -similar to Muggle mind-reading but more complex, with skill you can find the most embarrasing memories and take advantage of themThis is pretty much useful for anything and everywhere. Use your imagination. Answers to the exams, whether someone likes you or not, is that skirt really pretty or what really

happened the last time you emptied three bottles of wine.

”Incendio!” -creates fireWhy carry a lighter with you when you can replace it with magic? ”Rictusempra!” -the Tickling Charm, causes uncontrollable laughter in the victimCheering up a depressed mate, getting some action to a boring class.. You name it. And doesn´t laughing get you to live longer.. :)

With any luck, these few spells might make your day a sunnier one.

Magic is there. One only has to believe.

(some information of the spells was found in various Harry Potter fansites but the same information can be found in the books and explanations occationally from Rowling´s interviews)

Editors’ Top 5 Records: Minna:

SAntti:

1. Jeff Buckley: Grace 2. The Cure: Disintegration 3. Hood: Cold House 4. Tom McRae: Just Like Blood 5. The Smiths: The Queen Is Dead

1. Eläkeläiset: Humppasirkus (LP) 2. Eläkeläiset: Humppasirkus (CD) 3. Matti & Teppo: Pöytä täyteen 4. Prince: 3121 5. Simo Silmu: Sydänsärkyä

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Board of 2006 exposed Do you have a feeling you don’t know enough about the Anglican board members? We [yes, I’m starting to feel a bit schizophrenic] asked them some questions. Here’s the cream of the crop, meaning the publishable part. The Xrated answers (including embarrasing memories from comprehensive school) can be found at our website http://anglica.org 1. Title?

2. Whole Name?

3. Residence before Turku?

4. Favourite English course?

5. Favourite English word?

6. Favourite English swearword?

7. A nasty habit of yours?

8. I’m good at...

9. I suck at...

10. A word that best describes you?

1. Chairperson 2. Minna Anneli Lindqvist 3. Bay 4. Text and Discourse 5. Surreptitiously 6. F****** f*****head 7. Scratching 8. spending money at Stupido and Levykauppa 9. remembering things someone told me just a minute ago 10. slow

1. Vice chair 2. Sonja Irene Hannele Forsström 3. Forssa… ‘Nuff said.

4. All of those taught by Pexi 5. Actually 6. F***, f***, f****** f*** 7. Biting my nails when I get stressed out. Clicking my neck loudly 8. [well, not this anyway] 9. Floorball. Yet I choose to make an ASS of myself every Wednesday.

10. Chocoholic/optimistic/höytyvä

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1. Treasurer 2. Maiju Karoliina Kivinen 3. Uusikaupunki 4. all Ellen’s courses 5. California (maybe it’s the image that goes with it 6. p****** (it’s intercultural, usable in any lg) 7. outside opinion after a quick poll: yelling excessively when drunk 8. losing stuff 9. deadlines 10. indecisiveness

1. Projects 2. Antti Mikael Koskinen 3. Is there intelligent life beyond Turku??

4. English phonetics 5. Oblivion..? No, miscellaneous!

6. C*********. (Thanks, Deadwood!)

7. Burping, being late 8. Inventing new, unexistable words.

9. Hesburger, drinking my coke 10. long

1. Educational Matters 2. Taru Eeva Tuulia Korhonen 3. Pieksämäki aka P-Hill 4. Approaches to Translation 5. Fantasy 6. F****. Incidentally, that’s what I call one of my two cats.

7. Forcing various forms of gay porn on people.

8. annoying highly religious people 9. getting laid 10. Virgin. Do you sense a pattern here?

1. Infoperson 2. Johanna Maria Pohtinen 3. JoenZoo 4. It must be the most common English food: Curry! ;) 5. However 6. F******s*** 7. Snapping at ppl..8( 8. not getting involved with tasks that need time, effort and responsibility, such as NMES 9. lying (gee, who would’ve guessed that) 10. SorrybutImincapableofdointhistheresalwaysmorethanjustoneword!

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1. Party & culture 2. Heidi Maria Tiltti 3. Kaarina 4. Jelly shots [!]

5. Darling 6. F*** 7. Hitting (on) people 8. making (embarrassing) friends 9. CLEANING UP 10. Hostile (my friends agree but I naturally disagree)

1. Party & culture 2. Liina Johanna Airaksinen (but please call me Lilli) 3. Oulu 4. Any course by Pekka Lintunen 5. doucebag..

6. B***** h*** 7. Well this one’s difficult, too many options: I bite my nails, I sing in the shower, I talk too much (and too loud!) and I’m always late!!..to name a few.

8. making origamis out of my notes 9. everything that has to do with gardening, cleaning or washing dishes 10. ..?..

1. Secretary 2. Antti Matias Suomela 3. Rusko, the place where dreams are born 4. Pronunciation & Intonation 5. Mitten. Wear a pair and ask me why.

6. anything McGyver would use

7. I chew my fingernails 8. nothing, but I like to know a little bit about everything. I like to think I’m good at playing guitar.

9. remembering things. I’m absentminded to say the least 10. Involved

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You know you’ve been hanging around the campus for too long, when...

-you address all professors with their first names (or worse, nicknames) -you use more passive than active voice in your speech -your amount of credits doubles your IQ -you automatically pick your seat from the first row at mass lectures -you have a TJ count on your study grant days -you know the names of all staff members of Assari -you start using the word ”utu” instead of ”sumu” -you try to access cabins and hotel rooms with your copy card -you have completed the basics of culture anthropology, sociology and archeology ”just out of interest” -you start cheering for a Bolognese football team ”because of the Bologna process” -you honestly think that an average professor is sexier than an average model (in our department, of course, this is completely normal)

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Haiku Dementia Three Poems And An Afterthought By Sampsa Salomaa

1st; to the media puppets An Honest Opinion

2nd; for the ladies Sweet Sunset

You’re a star you’re perfect The glimmering jewel of the stage Your hypnotic eyes stare from under your coils and coils of patented hairstyle Voice of honeydew singing all the feeling in the world Perfect body making love to the sound

Let me stay here for the while In the heat of your skin With legs intertwined we watch the sun die Bleeding orange across the horizon Baptizing our little deaths Moist and burning we gaze at the sky The heaven in each others’ eyes My cry of joy, your shouts of lust Tongues twist and turn Breasts rise and fall in heavy breaths Legs pump heads spin minds clear — You came first, I win

You live the tabloid headlines from habit to rehab with impeccable timing Your romances seasoned to last for as long as the press stays intrigued High life glamour jet set posh elite The producers have it all worked out They put the words in your mouth Just play by their rules and look good to the cameras Don’t think just smile You empty, empty being Pop should be banned

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3rd; for those with empathy Whine

4th; After thought, true dementia

If I undid the knot in my chest Let it all pour out How I mourn my past mistakes How I dread the ones I’ll yet make How everything’s unsure and nothing ever really changes How it’s all too much to take How there’s never enough time How it’ll always end in misery, anyway so there’s no point trying How it’s always too little too much too cold too hot How i feel like my mind is shot to pieces by all the shit and every pain Could you take it?

Or would it be just another lament in the endless canon of human woe?

Watch my face as my body withers See the sentence of a smile Imprisoned between false teeth To suffer all the anguish grin of a thousand deadly flower fields Full of graceful strapping madness

In the one who listens And still stays there We find a true friend

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BritPop Minna Lindqvist

Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ...

So, I didn’t play Oasis. But our Britpop party was amazing, it really was, despite the fact how tragically funny it can be for a dj when an unassuming young woman comes over to ask for something “more British and danceable” -just as Suedehead by Morrissey is filling the space. Or despite the incident of a selfproclaimed Britpop fanatic not recognising Kate Bush and asking for someone more famous. If dancing is what you want, how can you not dance to them?!? I wasn’t trying to test your knowledge of the history of British pop music, but just give you the best it has to offer.

This was a dream-come-true type of task for me. How many times had I imagined seeing people go euphoric for the sweet sounds of Idlewild’s You Held the World in Your Arms ! Except that in real life, they didn’t. Still, Dynamo is a place where, I like to believe, people come for the music. In principle, everything else is secondary.

Surely there are the half a dozen Brian Molko and Shirley Manson wannabes (and some wimps who find that emulating Liam Gallagher is cool), but you will be allowed in with the most boring clothing and hair, too. We know

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that isn’t the case with all night clubs.

So I was anticipating a night of musical paradise for us all.

As the clock struck nine, I was excitedly tiptoeing the dj corner, trying to make sure I had the uncontrollable under some control. But ah, that wasn’t too easy to come by. The laissez faire take on things that Dynamo is so proud of apparently also means something like this: “Oh, it’s Thursday, wonder what’s going to happen at my club. Oh yeah, that Anglica bunch is throwing their Britpop thing. Jeepers, eight-thirty, I should probably ask someone to do the bartending. Think they had their own DJ, right, so that’s all set.”

Consequently I was impatiently waiting outside the entrance, hoping no one would rob me my stacks of cd’s, but no answer, so I had to call the owner to ask if anyone was going to be there before nine. I was let in at a quarter to nine, only to gradually find out that nobody had been sent to “help me with the tech”. Nice, very nice.

Panic, frustration and rage, which one was the foremost feeling? I couldn’t tell, because I had ten minutes til the doors would be opened and I was supposed to start delivering the sixhour smoothless stream of music.

And music with the sound tuned right!

The thing I saw before me didn’t quite resemble any ordinary amplifier you use at home. I had never touched a sound board, so what would I know about it! Luckily the bartender brought me release. He assured me “the thing” had been pre-tuned, and all I had to worry about was the volume. Phew.

At least the 2-cd player system was easy to use even for me, a totally hopeless case with technique. Now, it was time to kick off the party with Going Up by Echo and the Bunnymen, and it sounded fabulous (OK, the Dynamo acoustics doesn’t reach the Kulttuuritalo level, but this is the most dilapidated public building of the town).

Some Anglicans soonish expressed their sympathy for their dj who was forced to just stand alone for hours and be responsible that music kept coming. But how could I complain one iota?

I was trusted that freedom of playing whatever I wanted as long as it was in accord with the theme (and the bartender kept handing me free drinks to keep me going). Thus, there just had to be several songs from the Smiths, Joy Division, and the Cure, my deepest infatuations in the genre. And I think you enjoyed them, too. The most powerful crowd-stompers were, however, Placebo, Suede, Pulp and Blur. I’m fine with that, but some people hadn’t yet learnt to distinguish the word “dj” from “jukebox”. Bullet-proof glass would’ve been a good help once the party animals were confidently liquidy enough to come advice and even threaten me. I had decided some eighty percent of what to play well in advance; only the order of the songs would depend on the crowd reactions, but no, the idea didn’t get through to a bit too many Britpoppers. Which was a little sad.

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Compromising isn’t always fun, but I can do that. James Dean Bradfield’s voice arouses the same disgust in me as Chris Martin’s does for a lot of other people, but hey, I did play three songs by the Manic Street Preachers (the music itself isn’t so bad at all). Not to mention four or five songs by the goddamn Blur, who should be fined for such a repulsive hit song as Song 2.

Anyways, Blur has some music nice enough to allow that pleasure for those really crave for it. And were there any!

It was ok to hear the request for Blur a few times and reply that yes, I was planning to play a couple of songs from them, but I truly wish that some football hooligans had stayed home.

They had their Damon Albarn haircuts and after already thrice trying my nerves, hear this, they dropped a bag of three cd’s on the dj desk! Did I need their sad cd collection! So certainly no more Blur that evening.

The night was, nevertheless, much more than the crowd voicing me demands and me begging them to leave me alone. If not Idlewild, the masses did go crazy over Love Will Tear Us Apart - and even Myxomatosis by Radiohead, which was hilarious to watch. You really rocked to the rhythm of This Time by Starsailor, too, which greatly warmed my heart. I loved performing the task I’d been given. Next time, though, whoever the DJ is, a sign saying The DJ takes no requests is well-advised.

Anonymous Anglican ass(-shaker)

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Beginner’s Guide to Thai English

Sonja Vainio

I was hoping to pick up some Thai during the four months I spent in Thailand last autumn.

Well, I didn’t. Instead, I learnt a whole new language: Thai English. It does resemble Standard English in great many ways, but there are more than a few peculiarities. So, if you ever happen to travel to Thailand – which I strongly recommend – don’t leave this guide behind!

Basic Expressions Yes This may either mean yes or no, depending on the question you asked.

To be on the safe side, always doublecheck. “liten” English The person in question speaks very little English. Read this guide carefully and you may be able to have some kind of conversation together. Better still, learn Thai.

Again, please? = Sorry?/Pardon?.

If you don’t understand what a Thai is saying, don’t say “Sorry?”. They will just get confused because they don’t understand why you are apologizing.

“Pardon” is also a word that not many Thais seem to know. So, while in Thailand, do as the Thais do and say “Again, please?”. That’s a phrase everybody knows, even the “liten English” –people!

I ever go Bangkok. = I’ve been to Bangkok. When I first heard this it was time for an “again please”. My advice is to ignore any evers you ever hear in Thailand. And never confuse never with ever!

How about Finland? = I don’t really know much English and it’s a bit hard for me to talk to you, so why don’t you tell me something about Finland. I probably won’t understand anything, but nobody likes awkward silences.

How about weekend? = How was your weekend?/Do you have any plans for the weekend? depending on the day of the week. It’s very easy to make a question in Thai English. All you have to do is to start a sentence with How about and then add a noun you happen to know which is somehow related to what you want to ask.

Nice and simple for the speaker, a bit more challenging for the listener. my friend This is tricky. This may actually mean my friend, or it may mean my friends. (Thais are not very particular about adding the plural –s.)

What makes things more complicated is that my friend may also mean your friend. Possessive pronouns seem to cause some problems. When in doubt, point at the person whose friends you think the other person is talking about. This usually clarifies the situation.

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She don’t know. No great surprises here. The third person singular –s is not something you hear an average Thai using. What troubles me is that the example sentence is taken from a Thai book of English. Hmm… I wonder why these people don’t know the language? play skate = go ice-skating. The word play seems to be a bit of a favourite among Thais. They play Internet and they play aerobics instead of doing aerobics.

Food & Drink

rice stick This is not, unlike you might think, a stick made of rice, but refers to “sticky rice”, a kind of rice typically eaten in North-Eastern Thailand, which is – surprise surprise – sticky (I quite like it, but since this is not a Beginner’s Guide to Thai Cuisine, nobody really cares). chicken fry Fried chicken. Hmm… There’s clearly a pattern here. I’m starting to think that in Thai they place the adjective after the noun. The linguist in me rejoices! stake house A betting agency perhaps? Nope. It’s a good old steak house! Never mind the spelling, it’s only the name of your restaurant…

Are you spicy? This was a though one. I think the person wanted to ask me whether the food was too spicy for me. In the end I just replied “OK” and smiled. This strategy hardly ever fails. drink “miu” If you drink “miu” in Thailand, you actually go to a place called Milk Pub and then you drink, well, milk.

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We go eat bread. When I first head this phrase, I was delighted. Finally some bread! Wrong again. I ended up in a Milk Pub once again. This time we had tiny pieces of toast with our milk.

Makes all the difference… something starting with a d or a t and having a sibilant towards the end of the word (used while having lunch) = delicious. It’s impossible to list all the pronunciations of this word I heard, but none of them really resembled the one in my Pronunciation Dictionary. Again, smile and nod turned out to be a good strategy.

Have you lunch? This may refer to “Have you had lunch yet?” or “Would you like to go and have lunch?”.

So, good luck in figuring out the actual meaning. This time the famous “smile and nod” -strategy is not recommended as you may end up being hungry…

Checkbin It’s always tough to decide in a restaurant whether to ask for the bill, or to ask for the check like the Americans do. No need to worry about this any longer. You can always do it Thai style! Ask for the checkbin. As simple as that. The Thais will understand you, everybody else might be slightly amused. But then again, don’t you just love bringing joy wherever you go?

Miscellaneous It’s too cheap. At first I was baffled: how can something be too cheap?

After a while I realised that Thais just use too instead of very. So, if something is too sweet, it isn’t necessarily too sweet, but very sweet. Be careful when answering questions like Is it too funny?.

Traditional folk song concert I don’t know about you, but I ended up watching Thai karaoke videos… So much for the concert.

You want take bath? = Do you want to throw cold water all over yourself (and the bathroom)? Well, no, not really, but I guess I don’t have much of a choice?

DRINK, NO DRIVE = This road sign apparently reminds people of the fact that they are wasting precious drinking time by driving a car.

ACCIDENT AHEAD One of my favourite road signs definitely. After some careful thought I’ve come to the conclusion that this sign is trying to tell something like this: In the past there have been many accidents in this area so please slow down and drive carefully.

I am play football everyday. I’m afraid these students have spent too much time playing football and too little time studying English…

I wonder if they learnt it all...

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Tarita Filppa, Markus Perttula & Heidi Tiltti Well, well, well… that is exactly how it went! Our fabulous and, totally gay enough team won the Neuroviisut of the year two thousand and six (although one of the judges dared to complain that our threesome was not gay enough!). Hmmm, if a lady duo dancing an assembled partner dance and Markus himself are not enough then what is? Nothing! The show must go on!

The whole process from the idea to the final version took quite a while because of our musical interests are somewhat different and Markus’ inability to perform convincingly as a black man was a bit of a setback. We almost did a Spanishish kind of version

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of Britney Spears’ Baby one more time but decided against it. Finally we settled with Can’t Take My Eyes off You (the cover version by Muse), which was the song Markus had originally suggested but we had disliked it. We loved the song but thought that we could not dance to it... UNTIL Heidi found her inner him and took the role of a man, and lead Tarita through our improvised dance manoeuvres. After quite a few misfortunate spins, bends, falls and injuries we were able to call it a choreography and it was time for our prince with beautiful hair to save us by his heavenly vocals (and his hair). Together we would be unbeatable…or simply unbearable.

We rehearsed hard and Markus concentrated on our mutual goal even while visiting the little boys’ room. He had a hard time remembering a particular part of the song but on one occasion he could identify who he was singing to (if you know what I mean…) and after that it was easy enough for him to remember the chorus: “you’re just too good to be true, I can’t take my eyes off you, you feel like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much”.

So the premiere night came and Heidi was the only one shaking (and this time not just her booty). She had second thoughts about our future success: the stage forced us to rearrange our entrance.

The lack of nudity in our performance also caused worries since our opponents seemed to rely on the killer combination of bare flesh and beautiful girls. Not to mention the fact that we girls f***ed up plenty while dancing.

Imagine our surprise when the results were announced : Tits & Arse won the Public’s Favourite Prize but Anglica won the competition!!!

After doing the compulsory victory performance we headed for the bar, got obscenely drunk and lived happily ever after...until the next mo(u)rning that is.

Here are the team’s autographs for our numerous fans:

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Floorball team victorious in Sammonmalja’06 Antti Suomela

We won! The first match of ours, that is. If anyone mentions the other three – well – we Anglicans pity the fool.

It is a common belief that it takes quick feet or wizardly ball-handling skills to win floorball games, but this is completely false. Anyone who knows anything about the game knows that Anglica team has all it takes to win: morale, team spirit and sex appeal.

The two former ones should go without saying, but sex appeal is something that might seem less obvious to many of our readers, thus needing a bit of extra keyboard pounding by yours truly. To put it simply, sex appeal makes the referee think twice before grabbing his or her whistle. (Just kidding, Sammonmalja referees are known for their honesty and objectivity.)

Sammonmalja tournament for amateur teams, organized by the University Sports Office, is open to pretty much all university students.

The only limitation is that there can be only one player per team who plays in a division higher than second. It might come as a surprise to you, but this limitation did not greatly affect the composition of the Anglica team. Our players have chosen, for some reason or other, to remain in lower divisions. Just to make sure you got the picture: this is a choice, skill-wise

Anglicans are top notch. This year, dozens of teams took part in this fight for fame and glory. Anglica Sports Squad (ASS for short) was represented by a rather small sevenman team. Too small, some might say, as during one match there were not enough players around to have substitutes.

While players often steal the limelight, the loyal supporters and fans of ASS also play a key role in the teams success. Anglican supporters are known to show up in great numbers with their horns and rattles, cheering their team on to victory. They must not be forgotten, for their support truly is the cornerstone of the team.

But what makes a good supporter, or a good player, for that matter? In trying to get straight to the source, I asked one player and a supporter of ours what they thought about the Anglica floorball team and its glorious success.

Top class flexibility

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Player: Jori ”Practically Anglican” Murto What are your strengths as a player?

Superb balance and eyesight. Ability to combine them - can fall flat on his face and pass the ball to the wrong person at the same time.

What is the average Anglican player like?

5 feet tall, 23,47 years old. They use code language (Ruth, Keke, Gradu).

As an outsider, I don’t have a clue what they mean.

Does the team actually have a tactic?

To an outsider it would seem that our game is a complete chaos. Of course, this is not the case. Our game follows the principle no. 237 by Juhani “Tami” Tamminen: High risk, high reward. In practice, this means all-out attack .

How many holes are there in the ball? How many holes are there in an average Anglican floorball player? If you don’t know, guess.

Both have 26 because Anglicans live in harmony with the ball.

Supporter: Sonja Forsström What are your strengths as a supporter?

I find irritating features from the opponents in order to make it easier to dislike them. I mumble insults at an increasing volume (‘til it’s a mumble no more).

What is the average Anglican supporter like?

Female, in contrast to the supporters of other teams.

What is your cheer?

When your team is called ASS, it’s hard to come up with a good cheer (same applies to the team B-rapun Talonmiehet).

Run, Forrest, run!

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Not Chance Encounters in Seattle Jaakko Salminen At first the cry was ‘go west’.

Then the cry became more like ‘damn those idiotic human- and environmental rights bashing war mongers’. That’s about the time when klaxons went a-ringa-ding-ding in my head and the moment came to see what all the whining and wheedling that fills European discourse structures is about. So I decided to go to Seattle.

The application process itself was enough to confirm that I was on to something forbidden. Exhausting all my creative abilities in writing statements of purpose and slithering on the floors of professors’ offices seeking papers of recommendation were reason enough for the long sleepless nights from October 2004 until May 2005 when I finally heard a rumour that with reasonable probability I had been admitted. At the highest peaks of desperation in March I had made a reserve application for the typical European fare, Erasmus, filling an application in 20 minutes on its due date and being admitted for nine months in Göttingen, the mundus orbi and mecca of research into our beloved Germanic tongues. What the hell’s so special about some goddamn US of A compared to Göttingen, or Europe, or any other friggin’ place on

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earth anyway? Besides, there’s nothing like enjoying radlers on the banks of Friedrichshain or diving into the Adriatic from imperial Trieste or climbing the imposing walls overtowering Cannes for a breathtaking view or running down Capodimonte in a sweltering +40C after getting high on Velasquez or just smoking pot in the toilets of Eurocity trains with weird people from Switzerland.

In a way, all this the States also were. Taking a train from New York through an endless pastoral; the Hudson river valley, the Great Lakes, the plains of Minnesota, the prairies of Montana, the lofty Cascades, and sunrise over the Pacific. Through metropolis’ and towns of fifty people, sitting in bar wagons that don’t close their doors to any one or at any time with American hippies and interrailers from Peru to Taiwan. In fact, tons of Europeans made the trip at first seem like just another Erasmus. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I’d meet more Swedes and French and Germans and Japanese in Seattle than in Europe or Tokyo. The deal, then, was the same as in Barcelona or Naples or London; to get rid of Erasmus (or ‘Foundation for International Understanding Through Students’, FIUTS as they call it in Seattle) and find Americans.

And there they were. Millions of them, each more jovial, open hearted, and friendly than the other.

They were people flocking into bars to actually meet new people instead of sulking over their beers or just sticking to their small groups of talkable people, unchanged for the past twenty years. From the grimmer realities of the badly burned marine just returned from Iraq whom I met in my first Seattle after party on the weekend of my arrival to the unrestrained optimism of the one about to leave for Iraq for his first time whom I met on the streets playing drums with the homeless on the night of my departure, everyone seemed willing to accept each other as a part of the universal sphere of things. Even the homeless flocking the streets around University District were part of the service sector, never forgetting

their politely casual small talk before moving on to their more important tasks of bumming a cigarette or some spare change.

In fact, the only impolite people one could find were the thugs madly denouncing Dick ‘the shooter’ Cheney with obscene pictures on the corners of campus (though I suppose they have their political counterparts lurking around somewhere). Other than that everyone from religious ROTC students to Egyptian immigrant taxi drivers to redneck construction workers from Alaska loitering in bars to corporate leaders and the homeless all seemed to be friends.

And they all had at least as much want to talk to strangers of both sexes than exchange students had. Why? Beats me, but we sure as hell could use some of that magic here. God bless America.

This is the REAL stuff...

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7 Songs

Jussi Jokinen

1. Dingo – Lähetyssaarnaaja We all have these, songs we loved when we were too young to really understand why. I think most of you reading this are that significant half a decade younger, so for you it’s probably something like New Kids On the Block, or maybe Rick Astley.

This is not my favorite Dingo song - that credit would probably go to one of their bigger hits, Autiotalo maybe – but it seems the one I have the sharpest memories listening to.

Probably because when I was 12 or so I found out what the song was about and felt embarrassed about how much I’d liked it back then. I don’t feel embarrassed anymore, just a bit amused. I don’t think I have that much emotion towards the song itself left, really, but isn’t that how it usually goes? Many songs of our past we love we love not because of the songs themselves, but because they make us remember how we were back then.

2. Alice Cooper – Poison The Trash -album is what I consider the starting point of my record collection and this was the song that drew me to it. How do you get from Poison to Paranoid Android, Let’s Get It On or Is This Desire? in a mere 15 years?

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And why does it all seem logical to me somehow? Maybe it is this “record collection as a diary” -thing? Oh, by the way, for those who feel that they’ve heard this song at Anglica parties way too often, I am probably the one most culpable. And yet I feel no shame.

3. R.E.M. - Daysleeper There are those – like Nick Hornby from whom I swiped the idea for this article – who see the song as the base form of pop music. The fact is that from the late 1960’s onwards the song as an individual piece has been subordinate to the album, or in case of some artists (Iron Maiden comes to mind) the live show. At least when it comes to music which is meant to be more than an auditive happy meal.

What does all this have to do with Daysleeper? Released as the first single off the 98’s Up -album, the song was a great disappointment to many, but in retrospect it has proven to be an excellent block of the album as a whole. I still don’t care for listening to it individually much, but in the right context it is a very good song.

4. The Smiths – Bigmouth Strikes Again Remember Ally McBeal? Of course you do. The show had many ideas that were repeated over and over again throughout the course of the series, some of them better some of them worse. To me the best idea the show had was the theme song. No, not the theme of the show, but the idea of everyone having a theme song. This one is mine.

5. Echo & the Bunnymen – Killing Moon Hearing one of your favorite songs in an unexpected situation may leave a lasting mark in the way you hear the song from then on. I think Donnie Darko was an overrated film, trying to be a bit too clever for its own good.

But the beginning is just perfect. Killing Moon is unarguably one of the greatest songs ever written, and it sets the tone for the film just dead on. It is rather rare that someone else manages to use a song you love in a way that seems just right for you, whether be it in a film or a commercial. But when it works it works like 16 tons. That’s probably why so many people love Trainspotting.

6. Judas Priest – Judas Rising One of the most annoying thing that can happen is to see one of your favorite bands live before they have become one of your favorite bands.

When I was propositioned to go see the Priest live last spring, I said ok. Not

because this was a band I had wanted to see live for ages and ages, I just thought it would be a fun gig. I only owned two Priest albums prior to the gig – at least I can find some reconciliation in that those two were British Steel and Screaming for Vengeance, but then again, had I only owned Ram it Down and Turbo , I probably wouldn’t have gone in the first place. Only in the past year have I realized the Priest to be what they are, the best metal band in the world. This song is from their latest album. I had not heard it prior to the gig, but it stuck with me and has been playing in my head for the last year: “formed out of flame / from chaos to destiny / bringer of pain / forever undying / Judas is rising”.

7. Live – Top Certain bands and artists are in my mind clearly linked with certain people I know (or have known), to an extent that goes way beyond the usual “I was talking to that person back in ’97 when this song played in the radio’. Top is my favorite song from the Throwing Copper album, an album which a good friend of mine claimed to be “the best album in the world”. Before that I had considered Live just another band I do not like, but my friend’s claim made me listen to the album, and I realized that I liked it. A lot. So ever since Live, the band as a whole has been linked with that one person in my head. So in a way, the song selected here could be any other Live -song. But not really.

That’s just the way these things go.

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Tumultuous twosomes - violence comes in pairs Antti Suomela It is difficult to be violent alone – that is why so many choose to be violent to each other. I took a look at five well-known duets famous for their reprobate ways.

First off, we have Achilles and Hector.

These main characters of Homer’s Iliad are soldiers and, as such, violent by profession. The two classical cats have some serious issues, but what really pisses Achilles off is when his main man Petroclus gets killed by Hector after having first been wounded

by Hector’s posse. Oh, and by the way, when I say wounded, I mean he got a spear in his gut. Something about

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getting a javelin in your stomach makes it seem much more street credible to me than, say, getting shot at. On a sidenote: perhaps rappers and the like should start using spears in their gang wars - fewer bystanders would get killed and they would not fill gun manufacturers’ pockets with record buyers’ money. A long story short, Achilles hears about his friend having been killed, tracks Hector down and chases him around the walls of Troy for three whole laps. Eventually, and with a little bit of divine assistance, Achilles corners Hector and drives a spear through his neck for a nice, violent and very dramatic ending indeed.

Whereas the antics of Achilles and Hector are not meant to be funny, our next duet is all about humor. The Itchy & Scratchy Show is an animated TV show within a TV show within an animated TV show and depicts a mouse abusing a cat. Confused? In The Simpsons, people of Springfield watch Krusty the Clown Show in which The I&S Show regularly appears.

More confused? Great. Itchy (the mouse) is always the mutilator while the cat, Scratchy, is the target of Itchy’s violent behavior. The violence comes in many flavors, but mutilation is perhaps the most common of the forms it takes. Chasing is also often involved: usually Scratchy first tries to catch Itchy but soon finds the roles reversed. The duet is quite inventive when it comes to violence, but they usually use blunt weapons, axes, knives or bombs. For obvious reasons, many have seen I&S as being a thought-provoking parody of Tom & Jerry.

Another funny, albeit not animated TV duo violent in nature is the one seen in the early ‘90s’ hit series Bottom. I am, of course, referring to the one consisting of Richard ‘Richie’ Richard (played by Rik Mayall) and Edward ‘Eddie’ Elizabeth Hitler (played by Adrian Edmondson). Bottom, this amazingly accurate description of male bonding, has been shown in its entirety on Finnish TV a couple of years ago. If you somehow managed to miss this cultural feat of valor, a brief description might be in order. Richie and Eddie are just a couple of average Londoners (former being an idiot while the latter is a drunkard) who get into all sorts of adventures, but are blissfully ignorant of what is actually going on due to the constant verbal and physical abuse they exchange amongst themselves. A quick research seems to show that the most usual form of violence is getting punched in the groin or face. In almost every episode, however, there is a special treat of violent kind for the audience to enjoy like cutting one’s legs off with a chain saw or getting electrocuted with shock paddles.

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Yet another violent duet, one which should not need that much of an introduction, consists of George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein. These guys go way back: George’s father George (wow, they really are inventive with the naming thing, aren’t they) and Saddam had dealings in the late ‘80’s and early ‘90’s. When the two towers came down, George Jr. saw an “axis of evil” consisting of Iran, Iraq and North Korea. He also claimed to have information about Iraqis having anthrax and nerve gas in their possession, and that they were developing a nuclear weapon. George then launched an attack against Iraq during the early spring of 2003.

Do they chase each other?

R & E: I & S: A & H: G & S:

Not often Yes Achilles chases Hector George chases Saddam

Who wins?

R & E: I & S: A & H: G & S:

Both in turns Itchy, temporarily Achilles No one

After numerous unsuccessful attempts to kill Saddam, George’s posse eventually found Saddam hiding in a hole under a farmhouse and captured him in December. The violence between George and Saddam is different from that of the duets mentioned above in that it is not directed at the two main culprits themselves; their actions are far less personal. George, for example, uses cruise missiles and stealth bombers, while Saddam used guerilla warfare.

Tens of thousands civilians have died during the war, among whom are nearly a hundred non-Iraqi journalists.

Do they both fight?

Yes Yes, mostly Itchy is the mutilator Yes, they are soldiers and war heroes More or less, but George has more guns and more ppl he can afford to get killed Is it funny?

Yes Yes No, and it’s not supposed to be Hell no

Why do they fight?

R & E: Because extreme violence written for comic purposes can be funny.

I & S: It is an exaggerated parody of cartoon violence in general.

A & H: One seeks revenge after having had his friend(s) killed by the other.

G & S: Take your pick from the alternatives above.

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Turkeys from the Shelf Because of and despite of the public demand, we asked once again eight renowned Anglicans to choose something special from their collections for their friends to enjoy and review. This time the specialities were “films”, not “records.”

Where The Buffalo Roam (1980) Ali: Hunter S. Thompson played by Bill Murray? What can possibly ruin this?

A dodgy director, at least.

Jarkko: Loosely based on the autobiography of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, Where the Buffalo Roam must have raised a few conservative eyebrows back when it premiered in the theatres some 25 years ago.

Starting from the early 80’s, the story refuses to unfold itself through various flashbacks from the 60’s and 70’s, all of which showcase such proficiency in use of drugs and alcohol that it puts several rock stars to shame.

And speaking of rock’n’roll, the electric and often quite dazed score is written

by Neil Young. I just wish there had been more sex as that part of the unholy trinity is severely lacking.

Unfortunately director Art Linson, who later became a producer and was the

man behind such films as The Untouchables and Fight Club, has failed to knit the different sequences together. Although the movie certainly has its moments and Murray does a great job playing the role of Thompson — who does seem to have some method to his madness, although such moments of clarity are few and far between — the film feels like a long (really, really long) episode of a British comedy show. Each segment works quite well on its own but when watched back to back, the impact starts to wear off. The end is particularly anti-climatic.

On a more positive note, the movie feels very fresh considering its age. It can be mostly attributed to the drug related theme and extremely obscene language, both being features that made Trainspotting stand out some ten years later.

Many have referred to this as something of a precursor to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas so fans of that movie might want to check this out.

As for an average Joe Sixpack, this might work pretty well as a backdrop for an alcohol consuming occasion.

Young males in particular might find this to their liking. If you are looking for a movie that either has a gripping plot or a profound message, this one should definitely be passed by.

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Scary Movie (2000) Jarkko: [Jarkko’s intro came too late and was too long, so we deleted it. As usual.]

Jukka: Being the sleaze fanatic that I am, it’s rare that I come across something that’s ”so bad it’s beyond being so bad it’s actually good.” Well, Scary Movie is just that. I admit that apart from ca. 30 minutes of Scream I haven’t seen any of the teen horror films Scary Movie is spoofing, but I bet the parody and humour in those films is far superior to the Wayans brothers’ wannabe ghetto humour. I guess this kind of comedy works in the overly PC USA, but I just find it too safe and dull. I mean, they make fart jokes, but where’s the poop? They talk an awful lot about sex, but where’s the vaginas? Where’s the sperm? And hey, weed was a taboo in 1950s public service announcements, not anymore. Razor-sharp satire, my ass!

I watched this film in a vicious hangover when I tend to be pretty sensitive to even the worst jokes, but the only giggles I got when taking the disc out of my dvd-player and watching the 10 o’clock news.

Beneath the valley of the Ultravixens (1979) Jukka: Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens is one of my favourite films ever, directed by one of my all-time favourite directors, Russ Meyer. This film is Americana at its purest. Also, it glorifies a lifestyle totally without inhibitions and filled with hedonism.

Sums up my life philosophy 100%!!

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Mama: It all starts out nicely enough, with big boobies and Pong, which is basically every cyber-nerd’s wet dream come true, thus explaining the success of Meyer’s films in certain circles. Though you also have to give credit for his naming innovations, who could possibly resist titles like Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and Mondo Topless? Anyways, back to the film.

Immediately after the successful beginning, less adventurous viewers may be scared off by the coffin, the sheet with eye-holes and the questionable music choices. I urge you to stick with it though, it gets …well, maybe it doesn’t get any better, but at least you’ll get used to it.

Plot: Lavonia aims to cure hubby Lamar’s curious fixation with rearentry, by screwing everything that moves in Small Town, USA. Or lies stationary, as the case may be.

Russ Meyer’s biggest problem was that he insisted on trying to unsuccessfully add plot lines to his movies, thus leading them away from the evils of Egypt, i.e. basic porn, but then loosing his way in the desert (very Moses-like) and getting left with a pile of crap without any toilet paper in sight. But there is of course an upside to this as well: in situations where regular porn is frowned upon, you might get away with Meyer’s works.

Often used as a way to get your significant other to watch porn (unbeknownst to her of course) with you on Saturday nights; “Honey, I heard this one has interesting aesthetic qualities and an existentialist plot” followed 20 min later by “But the nudity is an artistic construct, I swear it is!”.

All in all, it’s not bad. Sure, it’s not great either, but in the right company you can have a lot of laughs and simultaneously satisfy the everpresent urge to see people getting nekkid and getting it on. Plus, it has the quintessential lesbian scene as well. And the freakiest water attack since JAWS. Recommended for: as a group activity, preferably in a condition reminiscent of the Stones in the 60’s and/or in the aftermath of such activities when what’s left of your brain is happily entertained by “look, boobs!” and even the plot of Sesame Street appears undecipherable.

Not recommended for: people easily terrified by gigantic mammary glands.

Or as first date movie material, unless you’re dating a pri-vert. Or wanna make it absolutely clear that you are one, of course.

The Orgasm Workout (xxx) Mama: The Orgasm Workout was a gag birthday gift (at least so I choose to believe for continued mental [mine] and physical [theirs] health) from some of my buddies a few years back.

Since I’ve never been brave or intoxicated enough to even remove the plastic wrapper from it, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to have it reviewed for free. And if it freaks people out, so much the better.

Maiju: As if it wasn’t enough that I was sort of half-forced to participate in this DVD review thingy, the DVD that Mama made me watch was called The Orgasm Workout: The ultimate & first ever sex workout programme!

The back cover promised that it would ”improve the sexual techniques of all who take part”. The DVD wasn’t actually as bad as I had imagined – it was worse. In terms of boredom, I mean. Luckily, it took only 43 minutes out of my life. [Although having watched only 3 minutes of it, I could hear myself promising never to talk to Mama again.]

The DVD portrays a poor man’s Kim Basinger and a really cheesy looking guy with 80’s hair ”getting it on”.

[This must be from the 80s.... Well, actually it’s from 1993, but ’93 was almost in the 80s...] It contains utterly ridiculous yoga exercises performed on the beach that are supposed to enhance your sex life, some serious over-acting when the couple reach orgasm (simultaneously, of course!) and the most boring narrator voice ever babbling on and on about energy fields and stuff. This cannot be of help to anyone!!! I was, however, left to long for some good ol’ panpipe music in the background... Even though the soundtrack was already quite ”interesting” as such...

This DVD is probably only going to make your sex life worse – you’ll both be sound asleep after 10 minutes of watching.

A fellow watcher’s comment: ”Well at least they show her boobs – otherwise this would’ve been REALLY boring!”

Me: ”Yeah, I’m starting to get excited about that as well...!”

So, don’t bother, unless you just wanna see boobs.

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Fire, Ice and Dynamite (1990)

Maiju: This film is featured by Roger Moore, which pretty much guarantees the (lack of) quality.

Mamu: ”Warning: the stunts and sports shown in this film have been performed by the world’s best athletes and stuntmen. Please do not try to imitate them without proper training and professional guidance.” When a movie, not an MTV ”reality” series, begins with a warning like that.. You should always take it as a warning!

Always! A warning NOT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE. I would like to think of myself as a woman of principles but I only watched the first 25 minutes or so of the movie. I just couldn’t. I’m usually not that picky about the movies I watch, some say I watch a lot of crap, and I definitely have no idea of the finer things in movies such as sound editing and camera angles, but even I can tell this movie is abysmal. I guess they didn’t afford new takes with all the budget going to Roger Moore’s pay check. And they could’ve had a director who.. well, directed. And yes, you read it right. It is Mr Bond who plays the lead character. But this time his name is Sir George and he has servants who fly him a parachute after he jumps out of an airplane. And check this out: he has multiple characters! He plays his very own butler as well.

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I could handle the 80´s music, the moore-moore characters, the 10 minutes-a-piece action sequences but not the close-ups. Even though I’ve never seen any, I can now imagine just how bad 80s porn probably is.

Superstar (1999)

Mamu: I guess you should know SNL to watch this. I don’t and I didn’t get it.

Antti: Ok, you all probably know this weird phenomenon: sometimes when you watch a bad movie, it just feels SO bad that it suddenly begins to look cool. This can happen in all genres: in comedy (Dude, Where’s My Car), in science fiction (Ed Wood’s movies) and in action (the one with J-Lo and that humongous snake). Unfortunately this does not happen in all bad films.

Some films just stay at “bad”, no matter how hard you try to find anything good in them. The film I was given by Mamu definitely belongs to the latter category.

I don’t know about the sense of humour of an average human being, nor an average American. However, I don’t see much fun in a scene where a silly looking girl kisses and licks a tree (for practice), and gets

“surprisingly” caught from the act by a nun. Even when the same scene is repeated. Perhaps I’m just serious.

This movie seems to be a cheap attempt to ride on the reputation of Saturday Night Live. I’m not too familiar with SNL, but if the level of humour is anywhere near this film, I’m glad of my ignorance. And if it really was funnier than this, then we just have another piece of evidence to show that the gap between a funny TV series and a funny movie sure is wider than greedy producers would expect.

Over-Eater (2003)

Antti: I saw the cover of this at Anttila and wasn’t able to hold my laughter at a public place. After you’ve got over the funny looks of the former ManU star, the movie just sucks.

Jussi: It would be quite easy to treat this film as a mere joke. Fat Eric Cantona does some policing while being very fat. Ha ha! As easy and tempting that would be, it would ignore the fact that The Over-Eater is quite a good film and Cantona is doing a fine job in the lead role. A disappointment, really, since the format of this movie exchange -thing is such that I was hoping for something really odd.

Jubilee (1977) Jussi: This movie is the most punk of them all.

Ali: Alrighty. The cover boasts the movie includes “violent orgies and mind-blowing punk-experiences.” Not too shabby!

The movie kicks off nicely. Queen Elizabeth I (and her MIDGET servant) want to see the future of England. Ok, time to summon angel Ariel. Whoop!

There he is, light shooting from his crotch and dressed not much unlike a mime. Great stuff, obviously.

Anyway, the Queen and her scribe and the MIDGET servant get flown through time into late 1970’s England, where common past-time is burning baby carriages and so on.

Liking it so far, you bet!

Okay, the rest of the movie is excellent, but it does lack the explosive WHAMMO! Of the beginning. The promised orgies? Uhhhhh, yup, although they are rather lukewarm, and wouldn’t technically count as orgies, but hey, the movie has MIDGETS, man! Also, the “mind-blowing punkexperiences” are like the “True Metal Moments” of the Headbanger’s Ball on Finnish MTV. If you’ve seen them, you know. Having said that, the movie does have great moments of A Clockwork Orange type feel to them, like the ketchup-defacing.

All in all, a great movie, and worth your time. And oh yeah, did I mention the music was made by Brian Eno.

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The NMES - Sorrows of a First Year Student and a Fresh Board Member Johanna Pohtinen

A first year student and a fresh board member thought she would merely be a guest at the National Meeting of English Students (this year hosted by Turku), perhaps helping a little with some practical matters, but oh, how wrong she was!

Due to some unexpected responsibilities of the original NMES -team chair, this task was somehow passed on to the first year student and a fresh board member who in all her innocence was unable to come up with any good enough reason to reject the task in question.

So, there she was, the first year student and a fresh board member, in the middle of the arrangements of an event she only knew the name of.

There were places to be booked, people to invite, posters to be made, and e-mails to be sent. Our first year student and a fresh board member and now the official NMES -team chair knew that much as to delegate. At first it didn’t even seem that hard: just organizing meetings and sending some e-mails (since all more

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demanding tasks she had delegated to others!). But soon she learnt that as a chair, she would be the one to hear the bad news when something went wrong, she was the one who should remember everything and keep it organized, and even though she mastered the art of delegating, the couple of e-mails turned out to be an endless amount of e-mails.

There was a point when she was so full of it: things were not going as smoothly as they could’ve gone, and the budget was getting tight.

So tight, in fact that the group considered making some use of the pigeons of Kauppatori... They, however, ended up serving chicken instead, since they thought that the time for a gastric lavage would perhaps come later in their lives.

Somewhere deep inside the first year student and a fresh board member and now the official NMES team chair enjoyed the responsibility (of delegating and sending e-mails..) and was exhilarated to be a part of the group organizing this remarkable event. How would she otherwise have learnt all the little (and enormous) things that had to be taken into account if there hadn’t been such a great team of more and less experienced people to work with her!

Typical Ruth’s PowerPoint slide?

In the end the NMES turned out to have no problems at all; the first night’s pubcrawl and the lectures on the following day went smoothly and no one puked in the lecture room; the sitz was great fun and the people were relaxed and cheerful and already planning the visit to Helsinki next year. Our first year student and a fresh board member and then the official NMES -team chair felt relieved and happy. On Sunday as she was cleaning the ladies room of Gillesgården without rubber gloves, she thought how lucky she had been

that in all her innocence she was unable to come up with any good enough reason to reject the task in question.

Home she went, via Hese and some decent krapulamättö, and felt the emptiness of the life without a NMES -meeting to organize.

(Later, it has been confirmed that she has thus recovered from her postNMES-syndrome and now feels the satisfaction of being a part of the succesful NMES2006!)

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What do you think about Turkuish English students?

Katariina Suopajärvi, Hki: Strange, but in a good way

Maija Ihanainen, Jsuu: Pleasant, open and friendly

Joe McVeigh, Hki: Turkuish English students sure know how to party & lecture!

Steve-o, Tre: I don’t know, but the Duudsons are cool!

Ok, I remember we won the contest, but did we really have this many dancers?!

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[The editors apologize the “wrong” language used in the following...thing, but also point out that the people who don’t understand Finnish will miss absolutely nothing by the following…stuff.]

No one from the kitchen staff was willing to write a full expose on what went on behind the closed doors at the NMES sitz, but as a compromise we did keep this journal type record of our feelings during the night. Sadly it only begins around seven thirty, because before that no-one had the time to write down anything. And most of it wouldn’t have been publishable even if we had.

“Feelings, nothing more than feelings…”

19:24 Ruuanlaitto edistyy, koska ihmiset menivät pois häiritsemästä. Ekat Strongbow’t korkattu.

19:33 Mieleni on kuin paprika.

20:13 Sonjalla on tyhjä olo.

20:14 Pääruoka alkaa olemaan valmista, helpottaa. Kohta juon viskiä.

20:15 Keskittymiskyky minimaalissa. Mama toistelee sanaa ”nöpö”.

20:23 Perkeleen paprikat täytyy poimia.

20:28 Pirjo tarvii kasviksen.

20:30 Antipatiat rupee kohoomaan!

20:31 Nypin paprikoita kastikkeesta Kekelle - how low can you go… LowER. 21:30 Humalatila on tuolla jossakin… Melkein horisontissa!

21:30 Stressi ohi, ihmiset hävis, keittiö on tyhjä, ruoka syöty, jee!

21:30 Olen löytänyt humalatilani. Mama haluaa silpoa asioita.

21:31 Kaikki on kovin tyytyväisiä, myös kitchen team!

21:32 Harkitsen vakavasti Keke-spesiaalin nauttimista.

21:34 Maiju on seonnut: ”Persiljat on löysiä”. Lisäks se väittää Maman käyttäneen sanoja toistuvasti, kun kyseessä kuitenkin todellisuudessa on kaksi mainintaa, toinen klo 11:30, toinen 20:30.

21:38 Jussilla on rinnassa pistävä kipu ja se hikoilee, mutta se ei ole huolissaan.

21:39 Estin juuri tähtisadetikkujen polttamisen. Odotan kirjallista kiitosta Joensuun ihmisiltä, säästin niiltä paljon rahaa. =) 21:43 Laulattaa.

21:45 Laulattaa edellen. Eli siis edelleen.

21:46 Maijun sormet on jäisessä mustikassa ja sillä on kesäinen fiilis.

21:49 Mulle ei saa antaa enää tehtäväks kermavaahdon pursottamista. Mun kalju on ihan punanen…

22:05 Ensimmäiset ihmiset seisoo pöydällä; itse neidit laulunjohtajat. =) 22:30 Kädet hehkuu punaisuudessaan. Maijulla ja Mamalla. Päässä heittää.

Herkistelyä.

22:35 Maiju käy kuumana, sormet sen mustikkaisen mustina. Jäässä myös.

22:37 Persikka, eli persilja korvani takana tunnen oloni erittäin hehkeäksi.

22:45 Haluaisin pukeutua jätesäkkiin.

22:sth Tired but scarier still, I kinda like this job…

22:40 Am seriously frightened of my mind. It keeps insisting I continue talking even when I REALLY need to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

23:40 PEOPLE, GO HOME. (And read more Stuart Home) 02:02 Britannican tyypit on ihan liian mukavia: tulevat sitsit ehdottomasti!

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