Baccanalia 2019

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Contents

2 Contents 3 Editorial Mikko Rytö 4 Words From the Chair Rasmus Nordman 5 The Year in Retrospect: Piltti Edition Siiri Lahdelma 6 Fantastic Students and Where to Find Them Tomi Rautaoja 7 The Board in Short Emilia Tähkävuori 13 Enriching Varilation Pihla Eskola & Emilia Tähkävuori

15 Known and Unknown Pleasures Teemu Helenius

17 Whatever Happened to Yugoslavia?

A.B.C. Wigglesnatch

19 Oldies vs Newbies – Goals Galore, j’adore Rasmus Nordman

21 Humanistisähly: Return of the Boy Mikko Rytö

25 Pass the Pigs Mikko Rytö

29 How Anglicans Live Noora Laihorinne 33 An Anglican City Tour Aapo Rauha & Mikko Rytö

35 Adopting an Animal Emma Lehtinen

37 Pets of Anglica Otava Korkka 38 Becoming a Finnish Student Charlotte Ahlgrimm

39 A Diary of a Cat Mooses Hallamaa

41 Spexing Anglicans Reea Ruusuvuori

44 The Great Anglican Horoscope Extra Miisa Parrila & Elisa Kinnunen

49 The Great May Day Crossword puzzle Katri Sohlman & Otto Tarkka

51 NMES Katri Sohlman

57 Crossword Puzzle Solution Katri Sohlman & Otto Tarkka bacchanalia 1. (often capital) orgiastic rites associated with Bacchus 2. any drunken revelry Baccanalia Anglica ry. 2019 Printing: Painosalama oy Run: 100 Editor: Emma Lehtinen & Mikko Rytö Layout: Emma Lehtinen Cover: Katri Sohlman, Ada Iso-Kouvola & Emma Lehtinen Centerfold: Reea Ruusuvuori Photos: Pictures provided by amazing Anglicans Thanks to everyone associated with the project, either by contributing or otherwise helping.

And special thanks to you reading this! You make this project worthwhile.

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Editorial Mikko Rytö Editor-in-chief

International Workers Day is upon us once more. Rejoice, for the academic year is theoretically over, and we can all breathe a sigh of relief and look back at our accomplishments. I, for one, came another year closer to finishing my basic studies.

Once I finish writing this, I’ll have to get started on my Grammar 2 essay which is due in four days.

When you see me, whatever you do, don’t ask me how that turned out.

In addition to all the things we did, and managed not to do, as individuals, we can proudly look back on the year Anglica has had. After celebrating our 60th anniversary in style last year, we showed we take no days off and immediately began preparing to host the National Meeting of English Students, which was held in Turku for the first time in 8 years.

Katri Sohlman and other agents reported on the operation for your reading pleasure.

The freshmen who nervously took their first steps as students in the fall have since become active members of the community. At first it was hard to get a word out of them, but now they’ve correctly learned an Anglican never needs to shut their mouth.

Many of them have become dear friends of mine, and I look forward to getting to know the rest of them better in the years to come. You can read about the first year experience in the words of Siiri Lahdelma within these pages.

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It may just be in my head, but I feel as though Anglica keeps getting bigger. The Newbies keep coming every year and the Oldies never seem to graduate, and even when they do, our developing Alumni activities will keep them around for years. This year’s freshmen have turned out to be a motley crew of active younglings, who have truly made for a great addition to this community.

After the tutoring week the year continued with many glorious traditions and newly found favorites. Anglica even got a new club in the form of SoAP (Society of Anglican Pigpassing), which is also covered in this issue of Baccanalia. Other things that you’ll have a chance to read about in this mag include Anglican living habits, mug-based astrology, Turkulaisian geography, and more.

To wrap this up, I’d say it truly has been a great year for Anglica and therefore the world, and I want to thank all of you for making this community what it is. Now, whether you’re reading this on May 1st, or - as is more likely - in the hung over days to follow, have a great summer! I Iook forward to seeing you again this fall.

Now, what do you know about “complement clauses”?

Words from the Chair Rasmus Nordman

Good afternoon, dear Anglicans, and a sun-filled May Day to each and everyone of you! I hope you’ve had a productive academic year and that you’re now able to relax and enjoy a well-earned break. Well, most of us are probably spending our summer break working, but all that money will buy us a nice mango or two or whatever your fruit of preference is. Most importantly, whatever you do during your break, remember to spare a thought for Anglica.

We’re all different and in different stages of our studies. Some have only just begun, some are quite far along, some have just returned from a year abroad and some are about to graduate. Heck, some of you reading this graduated years ago. We come from different cities, different families and different groups of friends. Yet, we share at least one thing: Anglica.

For many people, the years spent at university are the first steps into proper adult life. It involves moving away from home, possibly to a new city, finding your feet as a responsible, independent human being and perhaps finding yourself during the process. All of this can be scary, difficult and lonely, and I bet most of us think everyone else is doing it much better than we are. Luckily, we happen to be part of an open and supportive community: Anglica.

I strongly encourage everyone to take part in what this community offers us. Just listening to the experiences of other people, who are in a similar situation to yourself or have recently been, does wonders to help you calm down and realise that everyone worries about the future and goes through rough patches in life. This way, we can distance ourselves from our immediate situation and see that many people have gone through similar things and made it out just fine.

I realise all of this going on about community and Anglica might sound corny or pretentious, but my Anglican experience has played a significant role in the best years of my life so far, and I hope it can do the same for as many of you as possible. Give it a chance if you haven’t already. Have a super summer, dear Anglicans!

Finally, as Liverpool are top of the league at the time of writing, I’d like to wish my beloved Reds a successful run-in in the league and in Europe as well. You’ll never walk alone.

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The Year in Retrospect: Piltti Edition Siiri Lahdelma

It’s a dark, chilly March night as I begin writing this.

I look at the flickering, dim light of the candle on my coffee table. As if on cue, the flame goes out, and suddenly it hits me: my freshman year is coming to an end.

It feels as if I started my journey at the university only yesterday, but also as if I’ve always been here. I expected to make some new friends, sure, but I was completely taken aback by the feelings of unity and kinship. Of belonging. In addition to the fresh roster of buddies, many other things have changed as well. In the beginning the campus (and the city itself) seemed like an enormous maze, and all lectures were attended religiously by us newbies.

Now we navigate both the streets and the hallways in a sovereign manner and do our part in preserving the local spider population by letting cobwebs grow on the lecture hall seats in our absence.

All in all, this past year is shaping up to be one of the best periods in my life so far. It has been an emotional rollercoaster with many moments of adventure, excitement and discovery. Some things I’ve internalised with ease, some lessons have had to be learnt the hard way: Gambina shots, sitzing and an empty stomach don’t mix, book exams are called that for a reason, and even within our organisation you can slip only so many plays on words into a conversation before getting punished.

Speaking of Anglica, I’ve met some of the most brilliant and unique people here who have made Turku feel like home for this small-town gal, and I’m sure many of my fellow freshmen share the sentiment. Without your unbridled enthusiasm no board game night, student party or bake sale would’ve been the same, and this truly can’t be underlined enough. It’s been a pleasure to see everyone gradually let down the walls I saw during our very first get-togethers, and emerge as their fun, authentic, unapologetic selves. I also want to give the board some extra credit: I’ve only seen a fraction of the work you do, but even so it’s obvious and admirable how much of your heart, soul and time you pour into making Anglica a better place for all of us.

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Of course, no great journey ever happens without some uphill battles, and there are certain things I could’ve – and should’ve - done differently. I’m grateful for it all though. Every success, hardship, every friend – new and lost. As cliché as it sounds, I believe all these experiences have come together to shape me into the person I am today: hopefully the best version of myself yet. I’m glad for having been able to be a part of this community, and for having been accepted by fellow first-years, tutors and other students alike. During my brief stay I’ve come to understand this is where the power of our organisation truly lies: in accepting everyone as they are and utilising our individual strengths to our advantage.

Thank you for an unforgettable first year. Together we Angli-can accomplish anything!

Fantastic People and Where to Find Them Tomi Rautaoja

The last time I wrote for Baccanalia was in 2013.

Since then, I have graduated and found work I find both interesting and challenging. After my graduation in 2016 I would have never believed this to be the case. I was facing a situation where I didn’t have any real information on how to create a career for myself and I was looking for activities which would help me keep in touch with my other recently graduated friends. At this point I thought that finding a satisfying job would take years of cultivating relevant experience, skills, and connections. What’s more, I felt that I was hopelessly late to the party.

Luckily for me, Anglica had recently started a group for its alumni (i.e. members who have earned a degree from the Department of English), which I promptly joined. The purpose of the group is to maintain relations between students and alumni and naturally the focus is on work-related issues.

I have now been a part of the group and its organizing committee for a year and a half and I cannot recommend it enough! The wonderful thing about the group is that it provides the kind of peer support that I would have sorely needed before my graduation. Actively sharing what I’ve experienced and learned has helped me develop professionally.

During my time as an alumnus the group has organized a paneldiscussion and social events, so we do our best to share our knowledge with students as well.

Recently we have been putting together a mentorship program where some of us alumni act as mentors for students who are in different stages of planning their careers. This includes students who have a clear idea of the career they wish to pursue, but also those who are not yet sure of what exactly makes them tick.

The purpose of the mentorship is to set and achieve a couple of practical goals that facilitate the process of transferring from student to working life. This could include developing a CV or familiarizing the student with the requirements of their future field. The mentorship is meant to be informal and relaxed, so it is the perfect way of kicking off your career planning with experts in your field!

I would highly recommend joining the alumni as soon as you get your bachelor’s degree. The amount of experience available is just incredible, and you are almost guaranteed to make connections that will be relevant in your future career. The same goes for the mentorship program which at the moment consists of eight different mentors, myself included.

We have tons of advice and are offering it to any student who needs it. Here’s some to get you started: it’s never too early to start thinking about that leap that waits for you after your gradu.

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The Board in Short Emilia Tähkävuori THE CHAIR

State your name, age and favourite spy Rasmus Nordman, 27, Johnny English How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to the previous ones?

Very different. They have to laugh at my jokes now.

What's the weirdest tradition you've taken part in?

Throwing garden gnomes into the Lule River dam.

A ball or a pool?

Liverpool.

Why exactly Liverpool?

I could write a few books on this but I'll keep it short: Because Liverpool teaches you passion, loyalty and belief in the impossible.

The club is a big part of who I am and the community is incredible.

Champions league or Premier League?

I honestly believe we'll win both and I wouldn't prioritise one over the other, but if you put a gun to my head, I'd have to go Prem because we haven't won the league during my lifetime. I think most Reds will agree.

Editor’s note: comment given on 19th of March, any developments that have happened since should not be held over The Chair If you had to call your fellow Board members by codenames, what would these codenames be?

Doctor Ka, Lil' Peace, H-Lo, T-Dazzle, Vitamin A, Mayflower, Not Rowan Atkinson, $41, Tommi, Big Dipper, LoS Ängeles.

THE VICE CHAIR

State your name, age and favourite spy Katri, 25 and Sly Cooper How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to the previous ones?

Fewer e-mails and more coffee. Being a PC is quite hectic, but as the VC I feel more pressure. All in all, being in the board is like riding a rollercoaster, ups, and downs and sometimes you go through a loop-de-loop and you never know how you are going to feel after the ride.

What's your favourite Anglican tradition?

It must be Villa. I am the type of person who starts to hate people if I spend too much time with them, but the crisp Autumn air in Ruissalo makes me more tolerant and I am able to spend the weekend with Anglicans. It's like a mini holiday at the beginning of the semester. Which I definitely always need.

Jam or Almondpaste, or something entirely different?

Jam. Raspberry Jam. I don't judge if it is some other Jam but I will judge if it is something else than Jam. What's your favourite mug in Kaffila? Why? This is a difficult one. I have two. The 'Hello Love,' and the one with the Elephants. 'Hello Love,' was my first favorite and it was always a delight whenever I was able to snatch the mug just before our current chair got his hands on it. But now he has a different favorite (Liverpool...) and some of the excitement of having 'Hello Love,' as my favorite has diminished.

If you had to call your fellow Board members by codenames, what would these codenames be?

Total Alias, Alien Daa, Juju Mitt Vaiana, Kakku P. Korkki, Au Pajo, Mene Toive, Maku Miesh, Tee Lehme, Holi Ecco, Zadamz Tazzr, Pakkasel N. Pisaras (go give 'em a follow if you figure the names out ;) ) 7

THE TREASURER

State your name, age and favourite spy Aapo Rauha, 20, Spyro How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to the previous one?

Challenging. Still, more intriguing, no question.

What's your favourite Anglican tradition?

Using Finglish whenever possible.

How warm should a sauna be?

Just a bit too hot is perfect.

A ball or a pool?

A pool. I don't really enjoy the standard dress code at a ball.

Which Disney Princess are you?

I'm more of an evil stepmother.

If you had to call your fellow Board members by codenames, what would these codenames be?

To keep it simple, I'd give them all a number between 1 and 11.

And finally, fill in the blanks: Step 1: _______ Step 2: _______ Step 3: Profit!

1: Join Anglica 2: Come to Anglica's events 3: Profit!

THE SECRETARY

State your name, age and favourite spy Heikki Lyytinen, 20, Solid Snake What's your favourite family tradition?

I don't know if this is a tradition but I love the simple Christmas get togethers my family has. Christmas is usually the only time of the year the entirety of my family is in one place.

The simple things are the best. Having intense political arguments with my grandparents or just getting slightly tipsy before playing the role of Santa Claus. The feeling of Christmas just can't be replicated.

How warm should a sauna be?

The famous "Villan Sauna" is in my opinion the perfect sauna experience. The temperature never exceeds 60C° which has scientifically been proven to be the perfect temperature for a sauna.

A ball or a pool?

Balls to your partner, your ass against the wall?

Where would you like to see a band perform? (Which band?)

I'm gonna cheat a bit and say I'd go back in time to see the Sex Pistols performing their first gig in 1975.

The influence that the band had on the music scene of the late 1970s and the early 1980s is amazing and I'd love to see what the whole fuzz was about.

Jam or Almondpaste, or something entirely different?

Here in Finland we have this thing called Vihreä Kuula.

Pig, Pork, Piglet or Babe?

As a prolific member of the Anglican society of Pigpassing there can only be one true answer. Pig! 8

THE INFO

State your name, age and favourite spy Ada, 22 years old. Does Kim Possible count?

How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to the previous one?

I’ve had a lot more to do! Last year as the Project I got to do ”bigger” things, but this year I have many little things to do several times a week. At first it felt like I had too much to remember, but now that I’ve gotten the hang of being the Info it’s been super nice!

What’s your favourite Anglican tradition?

Villa and Lil’ Xmas are the ones where I always feel like we’re just one big family and I love it.

What’s your favourite family tradition?

The way we celebrate Christmas is my absolute favorite.

My closest relatives, good food, board games and lots of laughter.

How warm should a sauna be?

Around 80 degrees Celsius I think. At least when it is a traditional sauna, not one that is heated with electricity.

What was the best vine?

This is too hard. ”road work ahead, ah yeah i sure hope it does” is the one that first comes to my mind. I also quote ”This Bitch Empty YEET!!!!” a lot.

EDUCATIONAL & SOCIAL AFFAIRS

State your name, age and favourite spy Teemu Helenius, 26, James Bond How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to the previous ones?

I’ve found myself enjoying the possibility to continue in the same position as last year and to further develop matters concerning social and educational affairs during the year. The transition to the new board has been very smooth.

What’s your favourite family tradition?

The Sunday dinner definitely. These days we’ll usually have a family dinner at least a couple of times a month on Sundays.

There’s often something a bit fancier for food and pretty much always some kind of dessert. Cooking skill is found in all members of the family, and my mother has been a professional chef while my sister currently is one.

How warm should a sauna be?

I prefer my sauna fairly mild. The sweet spot is usually between 60 to 75 degrees. Source of heat: wood.

Who is the best fox in popular culture?

Oddly enough, I don’t really have an opinion on this matter. All foxes are beautiful!

What is your opinion on socks & sandals? Do you see a chance that they’ll be fashionable in the future?

I for one support every effort to make unfashionable things fashionable. Perhaps science will provide us a way to make socks with sandals an aesthetically pleasurable combination. Why aren’t we funding this?

Jam or Almondpaste, or something entirely different?

Considering that I made a collaboration with a friend to deconstruct a shrove bun, I’d say anything goes now. I do like both.

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THE PROJECTS

State your name, age and favourite spy Maija Riikonen, 20, my personal FBI agent How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to the previous one?

Well, since I was ”only” a member last year, there’s a lot more work this year, since members don’t really have many personal responsibilities. However, it’s all a lot of fun, so I’m not complaining!

What’s your favourite Anglican tradition?

Out of Anglica’s traditional events Anglica Goes Villa would probably be my favorite. Spending a whole weekend with Anglicans in a cabin, playing games, eating and not getting enough sleep is guaranteed to be fun times!

What’s your favourite family tradition?

My family doesn’t really have a lot of special traditions, so I’ll just say Christmas Eve, since it’s been more or less the same for as long as I can remember, and it’s definitely one of my favorite days of the year, since I get to watch all the TV shows and movies they show every Christmas and eat way too much.

How warm should a sauna be?

No less than 80°C, and if it’s way over 100°C it’s too hot.

If you had to do an Anglican project with a 500 euro budget, what would it be?

Well, since 500 euros isn’t quite enough for ”Anglica Goes to Australia”, I would probably just buy a bunch of snacks for everyone to enjoy at Not-GOOM or some other project.

What was the best vine? ”There’s only one thing worse than a rapist: a child! (no)”

PARTY & CULTURE

State your name, age and favourite spy Pihla, 21, jesus christ it's Jason Bourne How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to what you may have expected?

A lot more work, which is not a bad thing! I feel like time has flown by in great company and organizing events with the rest of the board.

What's your favourite family tradition?

Going home and my mom asking ''when you gonna get that driver's license?''. Here's to hoping 2015-2019.

(In April 2019 I did in fact get a driver’s license!)

What's the weirdest tradition you've taken part in?

One time in high school we had a spring summoning... there was cabbage involved and we danced around in a big circle.

I swear this happened!:D What's your favourite academic tradition?

The night of an essay deadline and panic writing the entire thing.

But honestly, Vappu.

Why is Turku better than your hometown?

I always get very defensive when people ask this question. Tampere rules!

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PARTY & CULTURE

State your name, age and favourite spy Salli, 21, Sam from Totally Spies How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to what you may have expected?

It’s been less and more work than I originally thought!

There hasn’t been as much to do all the time, but some events have required more work than I thought.

What’s the weirdest tradition you’ve taken part in?

When I was working in Germany (in Bavaria) in this small village, they had this weird tradition, that when someone either got married or had a child, all the men would dress up in lederhosen and go round the village with a weird carriage thingy and drink some alcohol from each house. I can’t remember all the details anymore but it was definitely weird. Since I was there I watched go round and get drunk.

Jam or Almondpaste, or something entirely different?

Jam, but anything goes.

Why is Turku better than your hometown?

It’s cheaper and I like the river but I have to say I really miss Helsinki sometimes.

If you had to call your fellow Board members by codenames, what would these codenames be?

Rasmus: Owl, Katri: Rabbit, Aapo: Christopher Robin, Heikki: Heffalump, Ada: Kanga, Maija: Roo, Pihla: Tigger, Otava: Piglet, Tommi: Eyyore, Lotta: Winnie-The-Pooh

THE MEMBERS

State your name, age and favourite spy Tommi Virtanen, 24, Sterling Archer How has this year been for you in the Board of Anglica compared to what you may have expected?

Despite having no special role or task, it has been far busier than I originally expected it to be but I've enjoyed it nonetheless. I've definitely gotten to know my fellow board members in a very short time span.

What's your favourite academic tradition?

The academic quarter.

How warm should a sauna be?

You'll likely find me on the lowest benches once it gets past 80 to 90 degrees. I'm a weak Finn.

A ball or a pool?

In almost any context, a ball.

What never fails to liven up a party?

You meet in a tavern after a day of crawling through dungeons.

If you had to call your fellow Board members by codenames, what would these codenames be?

Adora Grinch, Shakier Vaccine, Hearer Trousers, Artery Speeches, Knife Moony, Educadorian Rootlets, CD Jorge Pots, Trap Tray, Brit Tubercula, Beep Grimm, Metameric Verb

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THE MEMBERS

State your name, age and favourite spy Otava Korkka, 21, Perry the Platypus What's your favourite family tradition?

We don't particularly care for traditions, and we don't really have any yearly traditions, for example. My mom has tried to cling on to the tradition of having Santa Claus visit us every Christmas, but she has pretty much given up on that during recent years.

It should be noted that the youngest (and only) "child" in our family is me at 21 years old.

How warm should a sauna be?

Around 70 degrees Celsius for an electric one and around 100 degrees Celsius for one warmed with wood!

A ball or a pool?

A pool, as I love swimming. Balls, not so much.

Which Disney Princess are you?

I took multiple tests to find out, but I just don't really connect with any disney princess. My favorite Disney heroine, however, is Maid Marian from Disney's Robin Hood. Call me a furry all you want but she's cute, period.

What never fails to liven up a party?

An inappropriate joke only you laugh at.

Jam or Almondpaste, or something entirely different?

Jam all the way. Almondpaste is for heretics.

THE VICE MEMBER

State your name, age and favourite spy Lotta Säilä, 21, Juni Cortez What's your favourite Anglican tradition?

I would never miss Shrove Tuesday What's your favourite family tradition?

Cooking and eating together, whenever it fits in all our calendars What never fails to liven up a party?

Kylie - Akcent / Tik-Tok - Kesha What do you always say, even if nobody listens?

Mention that this song has been covered in Glee Jam or Almondpaste, or something entirely different?

Avocado on rye bread And finally, fill in the blank: Check me out, I call this dance move _______! acting-out-every-word-in-the-song

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Enriching Varilation

Pihla Eskola & Emilia Tähkävuori

What is your name and where do you come from?

Mari-Liisa Varila. I’m originally from Lohtaja: middle of nowhere, but with beautiful beaches.

(Mind your vowels.)

What is your field of specialty?

Much of my work is related to interdisciplinary fields such as manuscript studies, book history, and textual scholarship. Within linguistics, I guess my work would fit under historical discourse linguistics.

My favourite kind of detective work is figuring out how people used to make books and write texts in the past, especially in the 15th and 16th centuries.

What did you want to become when you were young?

The options I remember considering are hairdresser, teacher, detective, and archaeologist (the last one only until I realised I would have to touch old bones). But my current profession combines elements of the last three, and I’ve occasionally helped colleagues with their hairdos, too!

Was English your first choice to study or did you have other options you wanted to study? What minors did you take?

I wanted to study either English or History, but in the end I only applied to study English in Turku and, luckily, got in. My minors were European and World History, Creative Writing, and Teacher Training.

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As an alumna of Anglica, do you have any stories or anecdotes? What was your experience in Anglica like? What was the best event and why? What were your overalls like?

In my first year, I remember playing the Goth Elf in the Anglica Lil’ Xmas party play and writing new lyrics to Jingle Bells (even if I was quite shy back then). I think my favourite Anglica event/tradition would have to be Britpop: listening to great music in great company while consuming a very modest amount of adequate cider. I still enjoy the May Day Eve festivities – it’s a brilliant way to end the academic year!

If you could go back in time to any time period, where would you go and what would you do? & To which historical location would you like to go to?

This is a difficult one! I think I would pick London around 1550. I would visit a printing house to see some book-making action, and I’d also fit in a day trip to Harlow in Essex to meet the merchant who wrote the manuscript that I studied in my doctoral thesis. Sadly, not all doctors have Tardises!

Who makes the best coffee out of the staff?

Emmi and Joel have certainly mastered the coffee-to-water ratio!

What is the best trip you have taken for research purposes?

One of the absolute highlights thus far was spending May 2018 in Oxford as a visiting fellow in the Bodleian Libraries. I enjoyed studying old books, meeting colleagues, and getting to know the academic Narnia that is Oxford.

What book should everyone read and why?

Alongside the Longman Student Grammar, the first answer that comes to mind is The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. There’s a gentle magic to it, and it works for readers of any age. Most of the books I read in my spare time can be labelled speculative fiction, so I tend to check out the Hugo winners and nominees yearly to find new and exciting books.

If you could teach any kind of course, what would it be about (certain literature, lexicon, history)?

I would love to teach a course where I could work together with students on a small research project related to medieval and/or early modern books/texts.

We might find out something new and exciting, and maybe even publish the results in a journal article!

What are your plans for the upcoming summer?

I’ll continue working on my research projects through June. In mid-July, I’ll spend a week in Dublin at the Early Book Society conference. Late July and early August are reserved for some much-needed R&R!

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Known and Unknown Pleasures Teemu Helenius

Two years ago, I wrote about Anglica’s Band Night in this very same publication. Its resurrection was truly a sight to behold. The leave of absence for Band Night had been a mere three years, but a lot can happen in that time. As we shall see, quite a lot can happen in two years as well. In 2017 we had two bands to entertain musically inclined Anglicans: Alkamaton and Lagrange Points. Last year we added Pier Jam Goes TVO to the lineup with our own Toni Kerttula and Vilma Aaltonen taking the stage. In true fashion of progression, we then had four different bands on stage this year. Alkamaton and Lagrange Points have already become staples of the night while two new outfits were embraced with marked enthusiasm. Before delving deeper into the respective performances by the lineup I shall spoil you one thing: there certainly were no disappointments. Let’s get started!

My arrival to TVO was made in the nick of time for the ticket salesman duty I was on for the first hour. This also meant that I got to enjoy the first performance of the evening by the front doors.

However, it was not really detrimental to the experience. Almost by surprise, Band Night was ready to begin with the performance from an all-Anglican quartet called Freesimmät Nachot which is comprised of Jussi Nikkanen (guitar), Aapo Rauha (vocals, keyboards), Mikko Rytö (guitar), and Lotta Säilä (vocals). The band had been founded about a month before this event and this was their first live performance. True to their name, the performance was fresh and organic.

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We heard four different covers from classic and more contemporary artists. My favourites were the beautiful renditions of Elvis’ Can’t Help Falling in Love and Imagine Dragons’ Radioactive. The latter was sung as a duet with Aapo and Lotta filling the stage. Personally, I find the music of Imagine Dragons quite tedious, but this very stripped-down rendition felt way more emotional than the original could ever hope to be. Additionally, despite my fairly strong antipathy towards James Blunt, I must give kudos on the performance of Stay the Night. Freesimmät Nachot provided a nice appetizer for the main courses of the evening with their efforts. The stage banter was funny, the shirts were a nice touch, and the slight nervousness of the band members only made the whole thing more endearing. What a fine way to begin the evening!

Next up we had another newcomer on the TVO stage. Neela is a local rock band with four members: Leevi Ahonen (guitar), Sari Kestinmäki (vocals), Ella Myllyniemi (bass guitar), Samuli Virtanen (drums). Neela has been functional for longer than the opener of the night but this was still their first show ever. In retrospect, I find that quite hard to believe. Neela provided a very polished and coherently constructed show that showed some real instrumental skill as well. The band brought one song of their own to the mix with Nightmare, but for the most part we got to hear stone cold classics from many decades of rock music.

Considering the fact that basically the only artist I listened to when I was an eight grader was Led Zeppelin, it was a treat to hear Rock and Roll played live. It was the first song of the set after the brief instrumental intro and set the tone for what’s to come quite perfectly. Many more rock legends were represented with Red Hot Chili Peppers, Muse, Guns N’ Roses, and Nirvana being channeled to us through the band’s energetic performances.

The other highlight besides Led Zeppelin for me was definitely Ikkunaprinsessa, which is a Finnish classic most of us probably know from Rauli Badding Somerjoki and Agents version from the 1980s.

The band showed their sense of what’s currently happening in music by picking this song which has surfaced again with the Ville Valo & Agents collaboration. Neela’s interpretation showed that “rautalanka” music can be transferred very successfully to an energetic rock version. Overall, I really enjoyed the journey that Neela gave us through some classic moments of rock history and it was evident that the rest of the audience was having a good time as well.

The lively stage banter was a nice touch and lead singer Sari Kestinmäki was a natural front figure for the band. In addition to musical prowess of the band, I must also commend the fashionable stage outfit of guitarist Leevi Ahonen who looked like a rock star through and through

Now that the newcomers had come and set the stage, the rest of the evening was spent with Band Night veterans. Lagrange Points and Alkamaton were destined to conquer the stage again.

We first got a taste of the college rock of Lagrange Points from five Anglicans: Ville Heirola (drums), Kalle Moilanen (vocals), Juuso Mäntykivi (guitar), Mikko Salminen (bass guitar), and Atte Veistola (guitar). This was I think the fourth or fifth time I’ve seen Lagrange Points live. I found this particular live performance to be a bit of an amalgamation of many of the previous shows. Again, I felt that the band really come to their own on the more upbeat songs such as Keep Yr Head Down, which I find to likely be their best song (or maybe Small Print). Other than that, I think the band brought another solid performance. It seems Lagrange Points always has something a

little surprising to throw at us. This time it was the invitation for Vilma Aaltonen to take the stage on vocals for a few songs which was an interesting modification. Another surprise was the Bonnie “Prince” Billy cover which fit the band’s style seamlessly. The recommendation by Kalle to check out his music is something I wholeheartedly concur with. To conclude on Lagrange Points, I will have to mention that Juuso played with only his woolen socks on which I found funny, while Kalle’s nod to Freesimmät Nachot with his shirt was a cool gesture. Furthermore, the performance was solid as ever and one can see that Lagrange Points have really found their footing on stage.

Alkamaton, the last act of the evening, was here again to test how good our earplugs are. Alkamaton plays LOUD, and I do feel for the poor folk with no plugs. Can you really play the stoner/psychedelia inspired prog any other way though? Antti Niemi (bass guitar), Otto Tarkka (drums, vocals), and Pavel Zaitsev (guitar) used their obvious instrumental chops to provide a vast soundscape and infectious grooves. When Alkamaton really locks into the groove, I found the music to be absolutely irresistible. At some points I was reminded of the band Kiki Pau and their performance at H2Ö festival (RIP) a few years back. Considering that it’s one of the best shows I’ve seen, Alkamaton are in very good company here. It’s hard to name individual highlights from the Alkamaton’s performance because it’s clearly not constructed with easily discernible song structures in mind. The psychedelic journey and experience that Alkamaton take you on is best ingested whole. Take it all in and let the groove overcome you.

Another Anglica’s Band Night has come and gone. I remember calling out for more bands and more of these events two years ago. I dare say that wish has been fulfilled even better than I hoped. It is truly remarkable that the 2019 Band Night demonstrated such a variety of different kind of music. I think there was something exciting to find for everyone and in every band’s performance. Thank you Freesimmät Nachot, Neela, Lagrange Points and Alkamaton! Here’s to many more Anglica’s Band Nights to come!

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Whatever Happened to Yugoslavia?

By: The Right Honorable Lord Aethelbert Bendigeidfran Carl Wigglesnatch III MP aka A.B.C. Wigglesnatch (Dr. Alt Med) It was a dark and stormy night Resume the sending of the nudes There’s not a word for it in English I assume the rest I haven’t seen anything like it since ‘Nam (New Jer- You know what they say about assuming sey) And what about your daddy issues?

The seals are loud You working on that?

Working is ruining the drinking classes You working? Twerking?

Where are we now?

For ya daddies.

Starting point is motion twerking is fun The ending is the bus stop it is me baby first things first is not a very specific phrase, is it?

Honey you’re home early Should the need arise there’s mold in the honey Get that education bro Break the mold plsss it hurts. -Honey I never really liked carrots early mold turns the honey green Helicopter sounds; Ride of the Valkyries The early worm gets eaten Everything who eats insects anyways, except birds and fitness Whatever happened to Yugoslavia? freaks I had grown soft which I learned the hard way Meow Why am I soft in the middle when the rest of my life Fitness is for the birds, and Wu Tang for the children is so hard?

The bad guys’ songs have the best lyrics I hardly know anything anymore good lyrics have the baddest guys Hardly anything is hard to know anyway Eeeeerika One million dead cops Oh yikes I am a trash man I mean, sure President Xi, send the nukes I specifically said no fascism Dead cops remind me of bad jokes Thought you fascifically said no specifism?

Sunshine and lollipops ?!?!

As Einstein said, chili mayo is the best Say no to speciesism Yet garlic is the most popular Rrrrrr roll your r’s Populism.

One should always be more or less specific Democracy.

And then we all took a moment For the life of me I can’t find those socks To really think I don’t speak any languages but I can make the sounds What cheese is all about. in them Come to think of it, why is it called a dragon fruit if it For example does not look like a dragon? la la la why Just let that think in Why? Panama hats are made in Ecuador. I don’t think anyoWherefore? ne makes Ecuador hats.

Whereforen’t?

Nananana haha lala equality is the good shit ja tästä näkökulmasta koko akateeminen maailma Heaven wasn’t a place on earth.

Whom amongst us does not enjoy a pickled cucumber It was the friends we made along the way My body temperature is 36 celsius, i.e. normal Or the mistakes. jesus christ this is Our poem could be your life If only there were a typewriter You could be a poem if you really tried this is a type of writing, though I’ll work my youth away in the place of a machine president, send the nudes Let Bob Ross talk you to sleep.

Send me your resume (now) The sweet, sweet death for a moment.

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Last line was written by a nameless Dumbo-octopus.

It clearly has a name though.

Fingers have an order All music sucks, except japanese fusion jazz, which Then boobs sucks ass There’s only one pair of eyes Listening to music ought to be healthy The average person has one testicle Ought to > should The average test takes 2 minutes Anyway, how was your weekend :-) (feeling the feethat’s the continental way, isn’t it ling: content) It’s called day drinking, Charlie Brown I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway, how’s your sex Light has no colour now does it life *color What is your gender, life? *collar Life is life, so gender must be gender.

Americanisms, we’ve learned, they harm us Na naa naa na na Long Long Man Nah, not this time.

Tiny feet Sex is nice but have you ever handed in your thesis?

And god bless them. And maybe me.

Thesis? You want some tea, sis?

Little me.

The truth about Syria is this: A disguise in blessing. it will be turned into a parking lot for American touDolphins are known sexual deviants rists ‘Dis a dolphin?

And that’s okay, we won’t miss you Americans spam <-> maps Hey what the hell who is writing this poem Brits get out Poetry writes itself Get the Brits out right now!

It’s like poetry in that it rhymes Erin go Bragh It used to, but there’s always that someone who whiIs this, I mean this... nes Whether ‘tis, I do not know Beehives I named my daughter Nefertiti Landlines Titi Beyhive (single ladies) Yaas kween If you liked it then you shoulda put a wing on it Q-house If you love it then you let it fly away Some adjectives are underrated TS Eliot is alright but this is the best poem OF ALL Lovely is one of them TIME Also: ostrobogulous I Bought me an outfit today that costed a lot of money typography today and i just wanna say textual effects are fierce I hate fake pockets comic sans roman The only relevant historical event is: the winter war I should have been a pair of ragged claws Why don’t bees have claws? (and maybe the peace of Nut Island) “Toilets” is an anagram of TS Eliot 3231 (year of the dawg) Let us go then you and i when God I love my job wait this isn’t my job To the toilet pönt go these shitty poems Accidentally stole a job, please return [a glottal stop] I pity the layout https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzIZdWucQpg&Hang your boss lay outside :) four seasons etc. (not the composition has_verified=1 I will never log off but the weather) Bulbophyllym klabatense is a species of orchid Riverside hangout with a boss Or you chidding me I dream of a brave, strong nation childing, from their straight Strong is for the week Tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards typographical experimentation intensifies what phone do you have...

Do YoU lIkE nEoFolK? 18

Oldies vs Newbies – Goals Galore, J’adore

Rasmus Nordman

It’s a proud Anglican tradition that has been around since 2006. Oldies vs Newbies is the annual “friendly” between the freshmen and the older students. Generally, it’s a high-tempo, intensive and passionate event with spectacular, daring passing combinations and an abundance of goals. In recent years, it has been a fairly one-sided affair, but the fixture has seen an upset or two as well. Baccanalia has dived into the history books of Anglica and brings you some interesting facts and stories from the competition’s colourful past. We managed to interview some veterans of the game, but also some of the newer kids on the pitch.

The early years of the competition haven’t been well-recorded, but it appears that the matches would take place at Halisten kenttä and be followed by various afterparties at different locations. The Oldies presumably bossed the fixture for a number of years since its inception in 2006, but we have been unable to confirm any results due to foggy memories. Let’s just assume that the Oldies mercilessly crushed the Newbies for the first five years of the fixture.

Despite of early Oldies dominance, the Newbies have come out on top on a few occasions. The freshmen recorded back-to-back victories in 2011 and 2012, an era also known as the Golden Age among Newbies (Nordman 2019, 1). In 2011, a rainy and muddy Halisten kenttä witnessed perhaps the most memorable match of the competition’s history, as the Newbies utterly and completely dismantled an infamously lethargic Oldies team 11-1. Future Oldies stalwart Mikko Salminen famously scored six goals, an assumed record which still stands today. Salminen recalls scoring one of his goals while playing goalkeeper and celebrating the victory in various locations while singing sitz songs in preparation for the Freshmen Sitz Party. Victory was repeated next year after a steely defensive performance, in which upcoming crowd favourite Kalle Moilanen confused the Oldies with mind games and industrious Tuomas Katila dazzled with some breath-taking goals.

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This era was followed by a period of renewed Oldies dominance, also known as the Age of Business as Usual (Nordman 2019, 1). After poaching all Golden Age legends, the Oldies built a dynasty that would last for five years. Comprehensive victories in 2013 and 2014, by 10-5 and 6-1, were followed by a nail-biter in 2015, when Juuso Mäntykivi captained an Oldies side that earned a memorable last-gasp victory after coming back from 3-1 down to win 5-4, with the winner hitting the back of the net just three seconds before time. Mäntykivi knows a thing or two about putting the Newbies to the sword: “The up-and-coming Newbies seem to get more skilful every year, but they can’t compete with the tenacity of the Oldies. The Oldies are more resilient, they work like dogs, and they want to win. If you have twenty or so people like that, you don’t need much football talent.”. Almost letting victory slip away in 2015 was a wake-up call for the Oldies, who didn’t give the Newbies a glimmer of hope for the next two years. In 2016 the Newbies were comfortably beaten by crushing numbers not even worth recalling in this article and in 2017 the 8-5 scoreline flattered a disorganised Newbies team.

2018 saw the Newbies return to winning ways after upsetting an arrogant Oldies team by 3-2. Otava Korkka, who has become known for their towering headers and witty banter on and off the pitch, is a member of the victorious team, which certainly will go down in Newbies folklore. They are keen to give some advice to future Newbies teams: “Having a good goalkeeper is of vital importance.

Having good players is, of course, very important as well but if you can’t keep the balls out of the goal, you’ll be likely to lose. Our skilled goalkeeper was definitely our key to winning.” As evidenced by the comments of Newbies players, it would seem that good goalkeepers, whether protecting their own goal or getting in on the action at the other end, have been instrumental in securing victories for Newbies teams over the years.

One factor contributing to the Newbies’ struggles through the years has been the summer transfer window. Literally all Newbies players have made the short trip across Kaffila, or previously the Common Room, to join the Oldies after just one season with the Newbies. Former Newbies star Katri Sohlman has a theory on why the grass seems to be greener on the other side of Basic Studies. “The mental dominance that last time (2018) was revealed to be arrogance. It’s nice to go to the warzone with confidence and some assurance of winning. Additionally, you don’t have to wear that horrible vest.” Otava Korkka has a cheeky answer when asked if a move to the vestless side of Signum was on the cards for them: “Possibly yes. With many Newbies transferring, maybe the Oldies will have a chance of winning the next match!”

It’s safe to say that the game has developed in some respects during the competition’s existence. Current Oldies ever-present Atte Veistola is also an active student of the game, and he provides us with some insights on the changes the fixture has seen over the years: “Overall, I’d say that the game has gotten more competitive and physically demanding. Teams nowadays seem to favour a high pressing game with fast transitions from defence to attack and a lot of running throughout the match. Tactically, the game has approached almost post-Cruyffian levels of positional fluidity in the recent years, and some of the individual performances have been outstanding.” Nevertheless, Veistola is also quick to point out that some aspects of the game have remained similar: “For me, though, the game is still about the same things as it was in the beginning of my career: drinking beer on the sidelines, attempting skills I can’t even pull off in FIFA, and missing

easy chances from 2 meters away.”

So far, this article has focused on the past of Oldies vs Newbies, but now it’s time to look ahead to this year’s fixture, which is scheduled to go ahead on August 28th. The Oldies have been training ruthlessly since their humiliating defeat last summer, and quite frankly they look absolutely unplayable at the moment. However, there is a worry of the team peaking too early and risking a slump when it’s time to deliver in August. Very little news has leaked from the Newbies training camp, which makes it difficult to predict how their preparations are proceeding.

What we do know is that trials to join the Newbies will take place in May, and the Department of English recently announced that 569 hopefuls will participate in these trials. Another celebrated Oldie and Anglican historian, Paul-Erik Niit, has been following preparations closely and has a prediction for this year’s match: “Powered by last year’s victorious Newbies, we’ll be extremely hard to beat. But, from what I’ve heard from our scouts, this year’s newbies shouldn’t be underestimated. It’s gonna be a good game, and we’ll have to be at our best.” And the score? “4-3 Oldies.”

Oldies vs Newbies has a storied past and a bright future. Although the players of each team are the deadliest of enemies on the pitch, the match has historically been and hopefully will continue to be an opportunity for first (physical) contact to be established, a chance to exchange the first (taunting) words and a great builder of friendship bridges across the gorge between Grammar 1 and Grammar 2. Whatever the result, I’m sure we can all expect to witness and take part in another sensational footballing spectacle come August.

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Humanistisähly: Return of the Boy Mikko Rytö

On 16.04. 2019 Baccanalia sent local yokel and noted dipshit Mikko Rytö to cover Humanistisähly. Anglica won the tournament in 2017 and and lost it to Kritiikki in 2018, and is now attempting to regain its rightful place at the top of the humanist food chain.

16:43 I depart from my omnishambles attempt at the grammar 2 exam and start making my way to Sirkkala.

16:47 I stop by the Sale next door to buy some beer because god damn.

16:51 I can hear the noise from down the street. Anglicas second game - against Kanta - is in full effect. We score our first goal upon my arrival to the crowd, making it 1-0. I am proud of my nonexistent contribution.

16:53 I open my first beer.

16:54 I inquire about any exciting moments I may have missed. People give me irritating knowing smiles.

16:56 August Kuusipalo and Rasmus Nordman defend the goal in impressive fashion.

16:59 The time runs out and we win the game. A Kanta player hits the ground with his stick in pure frustration. Shit’s getting real.

17:03 Most people are playing in overalls, except Kritiikki, the defending champions, who are wearing their capes. I suspect this might give them an aerodynamic advantage. I will bring this up If they win again.

17:05 I spend the time between games interviewing players: Coach Rasmus Nordman says that, having won the first two games, the Anglican team is in great spirits.

He also notes that Matti Ollila, the first year student and player has been a hugely important and successful acquisition for the team, having scored all 4 Anglican goals thus far. He believes that, based on viewing Kritiikki, they’ve lost their hunger for winning, and just don’t have that same look in their eyes.

Matti Ollila, called by many the potential MVP of the entire tournament, is flattered by his reception but wants to compliment his teammates holding up the defensive end of the game. After defeating the defending champions in the first game, he believes that the trophy will be returning to its rightful place in Kaffila.

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17:06 I open my second beer 17;16 Kaisa Yli-Penttilä arrives and informs me her Grammar exam went relatively well and she’s probably going to pass. I’m proud of her.

17:18 During the lull in action I realize I haven’t brought nearly enough to drink, and my home, which is 2 minutes walk away, contains my overalls and an opened bottle of Valdemar. I make haste.

17:23 On my way to my apartment I listen to the recordings of my interviews and wonder what the hell kind of speech impediment I’m afflicted with.

17:31 I return to the fields of glory with more beer and two half bottles of Valdemar. I ponder how I had no plans to drink tonight and how life really does come at you fast.

17:37 Kaisa and I toast the news that we passed the Grammar 2 Essay with Valdemar. I’m over the moon and ready to cheer Anglica to victory 17:38 The traditional friendly match between Anglica and Skandica begins.

17:39 We score almost immediately. This is to be expected.

17:40 They score. I’m confused.

17:41 I enter the field and our score improves by a goal or two. It goes without saying the two things are unrelated.

17:44 We take a halftime break. I celebrate my mediocre performance with Valdemar.

17:45 The game resumes.

17:46 Last year’s captain Paul-Erik Niit scores a beautiful goal, solidifying our dominant position in the game.

17:50ish I feverishly complain to people about the parliamentary election, and in the background the traditional Anglica win over Skandica occurs.

17:59 I interview the coach and captain of Kritiikki, who have just lost their chance to win it all. They agree with Coach Nordman that they lost their hunger after last year’s victory. This, they claim, might be caused by the weather, which is too good. They report feeling great in the morning and being somewhat fucked off at the moment.

18:07 The first semifinal, Anglica vs Kutu begins 18:08 Kutu scores. I scream in excitement thinking it was us. I’m embarrassed. I think people noticed.

18:09 They score again. This time I’m watching the game and am appropriately infuriated.

18:14 “There’s no way we lose to something called Kutu.”

18:15 August Kuusipalo and Jussi Nikkanen score a goal with a wonderful display of team play.

18:15 Matti Ollila scores, tying the game 2-2.

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18:19 The time runs out with the score still at 2-2, and the game goes into overtime. This has been an incredibly exciting match with many close calls.

18:21 Kutu scores a false goal. For a second my heart sinks and I fall on my knees, believing it to be all over, but the goal is overturned. The game goes on.

18:23 After two minutes of excruciatingly tight play Anglica scores in overtime, winning the most exciting match of the year. Anglica advances to the finals.

18:25 Kanta vs Memuta or whatever begin the second semifinal match.

18:28 I interviewed Paul-Erik Niit.

Paul confesses to feeling good after scoring the winning goal in the semifinal. He describes his acrobatic and artistic ball handling skills in great detail. He reveals that he came to play despite an injury, having bitten his tongue during lunch. He also extends his compliments to Matti Ollila for being, as Coach Nordman said, a great addition to the team and identifies Matti as the biggest reason for the team’s success today.

18:44 I interview Coach Nordman about the final Coach gives huge props to Kutu for giving Anglica our closest game yet. Regardless, he remarks, the team is, in metaphorical terms, on fire like the Notre Dame, and our louder-than-hell fans will be acting as the fifth player in the final. “The asphalt is so hot when we run on it that it will burn their feet off”.

He will open the final with a line up of elite Anglican players. He commends the skill and veterancy of the Kanta team and is prepared to go to war for the trophy, which he will not leave without.

18:47 Coach Nordman hypes up the team. People are gonna bleed, motherfuckers will get cut open and somebody might die. Matti Ollila has a chance to become a legend. We will give no respect to Kanta. The game isnt over till it’s over. Anglica on 1, 2, 3: ANGLICA! 18:50 The final begins. Anglica heads into the last match of the night undefeated.

18:50 From the beginning, the game is intense and close. The ball whizzes around too fast for the naked eye.

The fans of Kanta and Anglica, as well as all the teams who didn’t make it to the finals are screaming their lungs out.

18:53 Matti Ollila scores with a pass from Jussi Nikkanen. 1-0 18:54 Kanta scores a goal, which is at first contested. After careful deliberation from the judges who are blind the goal is accepted. 1-1.

18:58 Matti Ollila and August Kuusipalo enter the game from the bleachers, fresh with youthful exuberance 19:00 Anglica scores an incredible goal, which seems to happen in cinematic slow motion. The game is now 2-1.

19:01 Kanta scores right before the bell, tying the game 2-2.

19:01 The game goes into overtime. You could not ask for a more nail biting finish.

19:06 After five minutes of overtime Anglica scores, making the score 3-2! The Boy is coming back home!

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19:10 I interview people on their feelings post match: Coach Nordman is nearly speechless at the achievement of his team. He manages to express his immense happiness and gratitude.

Matti Ollila, the young MVP of the tournament, is humble in victory and looks forward to returning at the next opportunity to defend his now tremendous reputation.

Samuli Virtanen admits to being very confused for the last two years, but says that victory is sweet. He goes on a confusing tirade about the history of Finland’s hockey matches against Sweden. He calls me Teemu and says he’s not crying. Before I walk away he expresses his gratitude to Matti Ollila, the Goal King of the day.

Ohto, the coach/captain of Kanta is disappointed about losing in the finals for the second year in a row, but is extremely proud of the team Kanta put together. Kanta will keep getting better and go on to become the elite of the elite, he claims.

Paul-Erik Niit also credits Matti Ollila with the win, and admits to being somewhat disheartened by the wrongly judged goal, but notes that it was not enough to stop the Anglican onslaught, only motivating the team more. As others have, he mentioned the poor condition of our trophy, and concluded that we should not let it fall to other organizations’ hands, as they apparently don’t know how to take care of it.

Pirkka Hallamaa, the most senior Anglican known to man, was here to observe the games for the first time.

He commends the outstanding quality of play on both sides in the last two games. “The sun is shining and everything’s pretty good” he claims.

The night continued in Portti where - first things first - the trophy was cleaned and repaired.

Everyone present was rightly exhausted from the events of the day, and the party dispersed at a godly hour.

Our Boy will be on the line once more a year from now, so join in the duty of all Anglicans to defend it!

(For more details on the interviews, ask Mikko Rytö, whose phone the recordings will be on until they aren’t)

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Pass the Pigs Mikko Rytö

Pass the Pigs (Heitä sikaa, Kasta gris) is a

The League

game where you toss around some plastic pigs.

The first annual conference was held in February, The fine people who spend their days reviewing where the rules were debated and voted on. Many things on Boardgamegeek.com have called it “a long-standing and controversial beefs were settled, waste of time”, “clearly broken”, and “Brak pudełka such as the consequences of a pig falling from the tabtylko świecie świnki i punktacja”. le (this brought an end to the Mic Drop meta, which was dominant for some time). The Sows (Emakot) These people are dumb, unpleasant, and not fun to were also elected. These are people with the authority be around. to officiate a title match.

The general rules of the league were establisLike all the best competitive games, Pass the Pigs hed, including the titles that are awarded throughout is based entirely on either luck or skill, depending the year. These are the following: on the result. It is, in fact, a masterpiece of game The Number One Pig (Ykkössika) design. This is obvious to the cultured humanists

The main title contested weekly. If the NOP is who make up the roaring crowds that form around unable to defend their title, the tables of Kaffila every week. a match will be held to determine an Interim NOP, making the initial NOP a Stuck Pig. The two NOP’s will play a one on one match at the first possible opA Brief History of the Brief History portunity to unify the title and crown the Undisputed of the Society of Anglican Pigpassing Number One Pig. Last fall, I happened to find this delightful game below a metric ton of garbage left over from a The Flat, Rectangular Doughnut with a Pocket move. I then bought it to the first Board Game Night of Jam Inside, Rolled in Granular Sugar (Possuof the academic year. It was at this historic event munkki) where the first Anglican Pig Passing title match hap- Title of The FRDPJIRGS is contested on May pened, and Rasmus Nordman became the inaugural Day, meaning it might be happening RIGHT NOW! Number One Pig (Ykkössika). This title has since been contested almost every week around the time The Swedish Pigpassing Champion (Ruotsin mesof Coffee Hour and has become serious business. tari)

Title contested during the Not-GOOM cruise while the ship is in Swedish waters.

The Villa Boar (Villasika) Title contested during the Villa weekend.

The Christmas Ham (Joulukinkku) Title contested at Lil’ Xmas. Tournament format played with large inflatable Pigs.

Capitalist Pig (Kapitalistisika)

Whenever the Sow’s determine the Society to be in need of fundraising, they may hold a tournament with a buy-in. The winner of this tournament is crowned the Capitalist Pig. The Hog Emperor (Karjukeisari)

The grandest title, awarded to the Pigpasser who gathers the most points during the year. Winning a NOP title match nets you 1 point, while the other titles will get you 3.

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In an Ocean of Pigs, Who Is The GOAT?

Though the tradition of Pigpassing is still young in Anglica, heated debates have arisen amongst the Pigpassers and the fanbase about who is the best to ever do it. Who is the Greatest of All Time? Opinions vary greatly among the community, but three names seem to be inexorably part of the conversation.

Katri Sohlman Former 4-time NOP. (Record number) One of the few NOPs to successfully defend their title Otava Korkka Former 3-time NOP. The most notable rival of the other two

"It was a pig honor" Paul-Erik Niit on becoming the first Christmas Ham in Anglican history

Mikko Rytö Former 2-time NOP. Holds the records for consecutive successful title defenses (3).

Great Moments in Pigpassing Player 1: “Bank” Player 2: “Wimp” An exchange usually heard when P2 feels that P1 ended their turn prematurely out of cowardice. ”It was one of those life-changing moments, you know, and great honour of course. It’ll probably be my last championship as well, so it’s certainly up there as one of my proudest achievements.”

Rasmus Nordman on winning the inaugural Number One Pig title match. ”If you recall, that is, in fact, the sex number” Repeated ritualistically whenever a player reaches the score of 22, 42, 45, or 69.

Join the Fun!

If you are currently jumping like a Dickensian orphan reaching for a piece of bread that is purposefully being held too high, saying “I wish to Pass the Pigs as well mister!”, have no fear and seize your hopping.

All Anglicans are more than welcome to participate in the art and science of Pigpassing. Ask around, ask me in specific, or simply join the Society of Anglican Pigpassing Facebook group to become part of the fun. NOP title matches are usually held before or after Coffee Hour, but the exact time is announced in the FB chat.

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How Anglicans Live Noora Laihorinne

Are you curious and have always wanted to take a little peek at how your fellow Anglicans live? Then this is your lucky day! I had some Anglicans submit a picture and a text describing their favorite part of or place in their apartment, and here they are!

The coziest and comfiest place (I don't count my bed because that would be cheating), and therefore also my favorite place, in my apartment is my sofa. It's soft, perfect for naps and procrastination, and the bookcase is right there in case I want to grab something to read. The fridge is also very close to the sofa, so having both pre- and post-nap snacks is easy. What's not to love?

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My favourite spot in the apartment is probably not that surprising and I'm fairly sure it's not a unique choice either, but this is where I spend an unseemly amount of time either on course projects and other tasks or the likelier option, procrastinating. The dinner table is never actually used as a dinner table, but instead it's become my desk when the original desk became a TV stand. The fridge is also handily located right across the table for easy access. The large windows help open up the space and bring in light and make sure I can't see anything on my screen on sunnier days without pulling the curtains.

Turku felt like home to me before I ever even moved here, and sometimes I find myself smiling, thinking about the fact that I actually got to start building my life here. Even though I say that Turku is my home, I do have an actual apartment here. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a shared apartment but I love it â&#x20AC;&#x201C; it is, after all, the first flat iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever lived in on my own. To be honest, this is the cleanest my bedroom has been or will ever be.

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I like the pink details the most and the fairylights are really nice when it's dark.

I spend about 90% of the time that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m awake at this desk, doing mostly irrelevant and unimportant things. My small apartment in the student village might not be the coziest place (although candles help a bit), but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s alright. After all, my philosophy has always been this: home is where the computer is.

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The Bottle Flu Bathtub (Darra-amme, Dagen Efter Badkar) is a tremendous place to sit down for an hour or three when you wake up with an inexplicable headache. It’s surprisingly ergonomic and has several places where you can put that Long Drink with “tasottava - avaa jos sattuu” written on it that you keep in the fridge just in case. Whether you were overserved last night or you’re just reeling from the unbearable lightness of being, you can always soak in this sink.

My favourite place in my flat is my computer desk, where I spent most of time when I’m home. There I do a lot of stuff varying from university stuff like doing assignments, watching video lectures and editing Baccanalia. When I am not doing anything related to school, I am playing games varying from single player games like Skyrim to multiplayer games like overwatch.

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An Anglican City Tour Aapo Rauha & Mikko Rytö Library Stairs

The stairs of the Turku City Library hold a special place in the hearts of many, as it is the place where fresh-faced Newbies are baptized to be proper Anglicans. From time to time we’ve had to switch between the old and new staircases due to reasons ranging from run-ins with the local constabulary to run-ins with drunken men armed with umbrellas, but nothing has been able to drive us away from the library itself.

V. A. Koskenniemi Statue Veikko Antero Koskenniemi was, among other things, a Finnish poet. He’s most well known for Finlandia and Lippulaulu. What’s special about the Koskenniemi family for us Anglicans is that V. A.’s daughter, Inna Koskenniemi, was one of Anglica’s founders and a professor of English philology at the University of Turku. V. A. Koskenniemi statue is where we traditionally start our Kostajaiset and Kastajaiset - Survival of the freshmen and Revenge of the freshmen. There’s something symbolic about starting the freshmen’s journey towards being an Anglican by the statue of Inna Koskenniemi’s father, don’t you think?

Villa As summer ends and the fall semester begins, Anglicans return from their travels and other misadventures to the urban metropolis that is Turku. Almost immediately, however, in all our hearts the call of the wilderness begins to stir. To sate this primal urge to return to the state of nature, Anglicans have annually conquered Villa metsäranta for decades. Villa, as it is commonly called, is the site of many important Anglican experiences, such as: competing in Villampics, singing along with the one person in the overcrowded sauna who thinks they remember the lyrics and sleeping in bedrooms that are somehow always either too hot or too cold.

Here’s to hoping it’ll never change.

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Signum Signum is in many ways the heart of all Anglican activities. Sure, many lectures are held here, but that’s beside the point. Downstairs, away from innocent eyes, lies Kaffila, where Anglicans gather to socialize daily.

It’s where the coffee is kept, so where else would we go? It’s also where Coffee Hours are held, Pigs are Passed, and where the Board connives future events every week. If ever we do actually make the move to that indoor swimming pool looking hellhole known as Arcanum, we will surely miss our cozy yellow home.

The Runeberg, Lönnrot, Snellman monument The Runeberg, Lönnrot, Snellman monument was designed by Harry Kivijärvi. The three famous men standing on the monument all began their studies at the Royal Academy of Turku in 1822. Since its construction in 1962, the statue has seen many fine things - Anglica’s traditional May Day celebrations, for example. For decades, Anglicans have celebrated May Day, and these three great men of Finnish literature have been watching over us for quite some time.

This year they’re drowned under a worksite, but not forgotten.

Kuuvuoren Kenttä Our field of dreams and occasional nightmares. Here the new freshmen get to test their mettle against the older Anglicans in a provisionally friendly game of football. Trying to outrun someone you’ve just met only to get to kick a leather ball is, in a way, poetic.

Sometimes the oldies win. Other times? History does not tell that part of the story.

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Adopting an Animal

Emma Lehtinen

Have I thought through this thing properly?” was something I asked myself when I was calling the animal shelter on April 1st. Once they picked up the phone I asked if this one cat was still available, since they had last updated the cat’s page early March and could easily have had found a home during that month. “She’s still looking for a home, if you are interested” I was told on the phone. I remember being an absolute nerve wreck, but I still managed to say, “Yes I am, could it be possible for me to pick her up on Wednesday?”.

On Wednesday 3rd of April I was on my way to Seinäjoki to pick up my very own cat.

I was nervous how would she react and how hard would it be to get her in the carrier. I was supposed to read “History of English” on my way there, but I was too tired as I had had to get up at 6 a.m. and had slept maybe four hours because I was nervous about bringing the cat to Turku. I just hoped to pass the exam for now and then redo the exam in Autumn.

At Seinäjoki I met the foster carer who let me in her flat where the cat had been living for nine months.

She was excited to see how the cat would eventually accept me as her new human and informed me that it had a strong personality and could play rough at times. The cat I was adopting was mostly black with some white highlights here and there. She seemed to be accustomed to strangers coming over to play with her. Soon after I had arrived the person from the shelter with whom I had talked on the phone arrived as well.

She brought out the adoption papers, where they listed all the rules that had to be followed. The cat can only be given as an indoor-cat, can’t be given forward to a new home and if any of the rules are found not to be met, they can take the cat back and I will not be refunded the amount I paid for her. The person from the shelter also gave me a guidebook on feeding and taking care of cat’s needs. I read through the papers and signed them. The cat was officially mine now.

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Around 4 p.m. I was on my way back to Turku, the cat with me. During the ride back I was freaking out and thinking had I made the biggest mistake of my life by getting this cat. I can’t take her back; my conscience would never allow it. What will I do if she doesn’t adjust well to living in a new flat and without other cats around? Should I have not done this and waited for just a little bit longer if I still wanted a cat. But now was too late to back down, I had signed the papers already and I was already over half the way back to Turku.

Once I made it home and let her go explore her new home, I was still thinking “If I had” done the right thing. The first night was long as she spent the whole night in the bathroom pathetically meowing. In the morning she was a completely different cat. She came out of the bathroom finally and followed me everywhere. It did not take her long to take a liking to me. She certainly has a strong personality which is she shows by not liking to be left alone and will force herself through some doors just to be there where I am.

It’s been over a week now and maybe this was not as bad of a decision after all.

She’s extremely social, fun to watch and easy to take care of overall. I have had friends come over and for a minute or so she might act shy towards them but very soon she is next to them and begging for some belly rubs, so at least I don’t have to worry about her being scared or being aggressive towards anyone.

She has some weird qualities to her like having an interest towards phones’ pop sockets, looking at herself through the mirror or trying to drink my coffee which is not good.

On Sunday 14th I will finally get her stuff to my Oh yeah, her name is Salli for the time being, but it place and then she will have good toys, a scratchmight have changed by a later date. I have an idea ing board, more food, an actual litterbox and nail for a new name, but we’ll see if it catches on. Some clippers! Her nails have never been clipped and it people really like her current name, and some don’t. will be a unique experience hopefully with minimal But I do have a few nicknames for her already! bloodshed. I hope that by then my furniture hasn’t be They’re nuisance, clutz and the second least agile cat destroyed by her and that there aren’t scratch marks in the world. on the flat’s doors. if you are walking by Aitiopaikka, you might also spot her on my balcony watching the traffic or knocking over my drying rack.

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Pets of Anglica Otava Korkka

Salli the cat found an Anglican home, here are some other animals that can be found hanging out with Anglicans.

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Becoming a Finnish student Charlotte Ahlgrimm

When I came to Finland at the end of August last year, Probably the fondest Anglica-related memory I have I was prepared to meet a quiet people. Not unfriendly, is of the Not-GOOM cruise. What better way to spend just not very open or talkative, that was what all the 23 hours than by playing drinking games with ten of your friends crammed into a 4-person-cabin, enjoying cultural guides told me. I therefore expected that it would take me quite some time to get to know Finnish grandiose karaoke performances, playing Bingo (and people. Oh boy, how wrong I was! To this day, I have not even ironically), staying up all night until breaknot found a single Finnish person that fulfils this ste- fast and then enjoying your first real Karjalanpiirakka reotype. Instead, I was greeted with open arms. Okay, or simply wandering around the ship and observing maybe not with open arms, let’s not exaggerate. Phy- the other passengers. Another highlight was represical contact is not the Finnish’s strong suit if we are senting our organization at Fastlaskiainen. Surely being honest here. But I was definitely greeted with a blessed with more motivation than handicraft skills, smile (and even some eye contact)! In general, people our team built a Ford Angli[c]a. Until the last moment expressed a genuine interest in why I chose Finland as we could not be sure, if the sled would actually slide the destination for my exchange year and were happy down the snowless, graveled hill. But it did – and to introduce me to their culture. And this is especially what a glorious sight to behold it was! true for my experience as a member of Anglica.

After learning about the different subject organizations at the Welcome Fair, I decided that this was the best way to get into contact with Finnish students.

After all, my goal for my exchange year was to dive into the local culture instead of staying in the Erasmus bubble. So I got up my courage and went to my first Anglica event, which was Anglica Goes Outside. Not only did I meet many new people, I also learned how punctual Finnish people really are, when 2 (two!) minutes after the agreed upon meeting time somebody said: “Okay, now we should REALLY get going.

We have waited long enough!” It is funny looking back now: at this first event you were just a bunch of strangers to me, and now I know almost all of you and have lived through an entire academic year full of fun and exciting activities with you.

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A Diary of a Cat – A Small Sampling from Mooses Hallamaa’s Diary Mooses Mämmäm Kitten Richard Parker Hallamaa is a middle-aged cat who enjoys the simple things in life, for example being an irredeemable ass, wanting to go out to the balcony just to want to come back in, meowing for food for hours only to leave it uneaten and scratching the hand that feeds it.

Oh you young ‘uns, gather round to hear the sad old tale Of an University student always bound to fail In the simplest of things in life that each one should just know Which I’m sure these small diary passages below will show

Day 2485 My servant slept for so long that he was almost late to class So he didn’t even pet me when he left, that humongous ass So I decided to be creative and pulled all his curtains down And I’ll be sure to meet him in the afternoon with a frown They say “The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet” Which totally sounds very wise, instructional and neat But I get to sleep through all the days and still I get my food So please dear diary, tell me, does school really do any good?

Day 2492 While lying next to my servant, he pet me nicely with his hand But it should still be known that I am the king of all this land So without an alert or warning I gave him the most sudden bite Cause as a cat, one is required to always show his might For we furry felines are the rulers over everything else We were worshipped in Egypt, at least that’s what Wikipedia tells So maybe I should just buy a luxurious boat and sail off far away To the biggest sandbox that doesn’t need to be emptied once a day

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Day 2510 My servant came home very late singing Auld Lang Syne Which, truth be told, would’ve been actually totally fine But he didn’t fill my cup with any fresh food Even though I loudly meowed and snarled and booed He went to the bed without even removing his clothes Which, as all of you probably know, every cat loathes Oh how I wish for my servant’s last ever sitz So he can be here to witness all of my angry fits

Day 2699 Oh, the joy and the jubilation, it’s almost time for NMES Why am I not happy? Well, go ahead and take a guess!

I will not get the lovely pets, the food or the treats ‘Cause that idiot is going to go ‘round to all kinds of meets To help some other idiots around Finland have a good time While I’m stuck here trying to rhyme my every diary line I wish there was a time when my servant would finally graduate (The sad truth be told, he’s already quite a few years late) I wish for the most expensive cat treats of ‘em all Oh why is what I get to eat always just his call?

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Spexing Anglicans Reea Ruusvuori

Turkulainen humanistispeksi, the youngest speksi in Turku, has now reached its third year. In the 2019 production Pelagia – kohtalon kompastus we travelled all the way back to Ancient Greece, also known as the cradle of humanities, and told the story of Pelagia, an unlikely hero who really did not want to be a hero and technically was not one either, but it is complicated so let’s not go into too much detail. This year linguistics played a big part in the story as well, as one of the bigger plot points was focused around a translation error that put our heroes on the wrong path.

But what would speksi be without the people working on it? In the words of our title character Pelagia: “None of us is a hero on their own.” None of this would have been possible without the production team, the Spexians as I call them, and this year there were quite a few Anglicans in the production as well. I will now introduce you to nine Anglican Spexians - or ten if you include me. Seeing as I worked as both a writer and a photographer in the production, it is quite fitting for me to be the one writing this article too. Here we go!

Joose Aronoja – actor “Ladies and Gentlemen, I seem to have misplaced my scarf. Could one of you kindly collect it from where it resides, please?”

As both a first year Anglican and Spexian Joose was new to everything last autumn but did a great job nevertheless. In his first production Joose played the character of Hades, an evil-looking yet endearing god of the dead, secretly hiding something quite scary in his garden shed. When asked to describe his first ever speksi-experience in three words, Joose settled on wonderful, terrible and everything in between.

August Kuusipalo – singer ”My head is always tilted, make sure it looks straight in the picture!”

August is also a first year Anglican and a first year Spexian. In his first speksi August was a singer in the band. One of four singer, to be exact, all of which were actually Anglican. Turns out we English majors excel at singing as well as our grammar. Or, at least some of us. For August the best things about speksi were the experience of performing, music and all the social interactions.

Hanna Kiiskilä – actor “Hurry up Pelagia! We mustn’t miss the ham pie distribution!”

Like those before her, Hanna is a first year Spexian, but an Anglican she has been since 2014. In this year’s production she was an actor and played the role of Xenon, an aspiring hero in search of a purpose in life. Hanna described her speksi-experience as an even mixture of silly improvisation, enjoyably bad humour and great team spirit.

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Emilia Kemppainen – vocal coach, singer, board member “We still need more bakers for the bakesale, please sign up!”

Emilia has been a Spexian since the beginning, so this was her third year in the production. This time she took on multiple jobs working as a vocal coach for the actors, singing in the band herself and taking care of catering, welfare and equality affairs on the board. As the best things Emilia lists all the people and the experience she gets as a performer but adds that being on the board and organizing things was rewarding as well.

Emma Nokkala – makeup artist “Tell them I’m wearing Mario socks too!”

Emma is a second year Anglican and a first time Spexian. In this year’s production she worked as a makeup artist and got to draw on the actor’s faces. For Emma, one of the best things about speksi were all the bad improvised jokes the actors came up with while getting ready for the show in the dressing room.

Aino Aavaluoma – singer “I don’t really know how to pose in pictures... is this okay?”

Aino is an Anglican since 2014 and a first time Spexian. For her first speksi year, Aino was one of the band’s singers. When asked for her favourite part about speksi Aino said it must have been all the band’s “persephoning”, which in this context means what happened in the band WhatsApp-chat when they had to pass time. And from what I have it was quite funny.

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Melina Lehtinen – sound technician “There’s no such thing as too much glitter!”

Melina is a second year Spexian. Last year she was a dancer, and this time around she worked as a sound technician. Her official job description was to work with the band to build the live shows and to take care of the actors’ microphones (they kept running out of batteries), but what she actually did most of the time was, in her own words, playing the recorder “as shitty as possible” and sneaking into the dressing room to get glittered.

Emilia Tähkävuori – producer, board member “You’ll never get a picture of me without me noticing!”

The second Emilia on this list is a second year Anglican and a first year Spexian. For her first year in speksi she worked as one of the producers and in addition to producing she got to just admire from the side as everything came together. For Emilia the best part of speksi were all the quiet moments where the production members were just hanging out and killing time. As examples she mentions people discussing their signature jumps and the violinist teaching the harpist to play the violin.

Elisa Kinnunen – future Spexian “A fun fact about me? I don’t know there’s too many to choose from.”

Elisa is a third year Anglican who is not exactly a Spexian just yet. In this year’s production she took part as merely a spectator but admits that sitting in the audience made her kind of wish she was in the show too. And as the old saying goes, once the speksi-fly bites you there is no going back. So, keep your eyes open cause we just might be seeing this face on the speksi-stage in the future.

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Horizontal

Vertical

1. Casual denial 2. Double Superlative of Good 3. An Island of Indonesia 4. French friend 5. Untruth 6. Regret or Sorrow 7. Type of Beer 8. The Great Barrier Reef 9. Enquired 10. Britney Spears’ Song 11. Audio Amplifier 12. Gene’s Band 13. H2O 14. Self-assurance (two words) 15. Restaurant Offerings 16. An Anglican Cruise 17. To Be 18. Goal 19. Shopping Centre in Helsinki 20. Made of Iron 21. Males 22. Ruissalo Home 23. Us 24. Exist 25. Games Company 26. Single 27. Finnish Cream Toffee 28. Male Sheep 29. POTUS 30. Satiric 31. African American Vernacular English 32. Flat-Panel Display 33. Cockney Interjection 34. Himalayan Bovine 35. Parody 36. Nuisance 37. Dairy Product 38. One Without Company 39. Student Attire 40. Feet Movement 41. Mexican Currency 42. English Diminutive Suffix 43. Wrapped Tightly

1. Ex-Chair 2. The One You’re Holding 3. Floury Hobby 15. Encountered 24. Dynamo Tradition 32. Bed Fabric 44. Bamboozle 45. Sad Teen 46. Knight 47. Linguistics Course in Basic Studies 48. Spanish Affirmative 49. Spilled Beverage 50. Bar Orders 51. Mates 52. Third Person Copular Verb 53. Kung Fu Panda 54. US Music Gala 55. Winter Past Time 56. The Big Screen 57. Harry Potter’s Pen 58. NMES Theme 59. Sandwich Filling 60. Listen Again 61. Yiannopoulos OR Disney Atlantis Hero 62. ____ Maria 63. Allowed Collect (two words) 64. Edge 65. Carnival Participant 66. Jennifer Lopez Alias J.__ 67. SLA Tool (Init.)

68. Time Period 69. Pink Fish in Kaffila 70. Sunburn Culprit 71. TNT Component 72. Repeating Series 73. French Tortilla 74. River in France 75. Too 76. Anglica’s Favourite Band 77. Genesis Lady 78. Cow’s Comment

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TOP SECRET

The official report of Operation codeNaMES. FOR AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY The report conducted by agent Solar K. Hitman. Please find attached personal reports from agents Markalla Pihkaa, York Mökit, Kotka Rotta, Griselda Aranb, Sakari Kaulaote, Yks Henry Ale, and Korko Vatkaa.

It was the last days of 2017 when the board of Anglica sent an invite to enthusiastic agents to join and complete one of the mightiest tasks Anglica has accepted in recent history. Objective National MeeDate of Operation: ting of English Students started on a cold February April 12th to April night in 2018 with fifteen agents. On that night, the 14th agents chose a leader among themselves. With an impressive resume and completion of six similar Location: Turku objectives, agent Markalla Pihkaa was chosen to be the leader of the committee also known as A.N.G.L.I.C.A., Authorized National General Language Investigation Committee of Agents. The mission needed a suitable name for it, a codename if you please, and the agents started the operation codeNaMES.

Agent Markalla Pihkaa Director of the Committee’s report

It was a cold February morning in the year 2018. I heard my pager beep, for the first time in ages. I went through the drawer, found the old agency messaging apparatus and blew the dust off it. I thought the whole thing had gone haywire before I saw the message.

A.N.G.L.I.C.A. NEEDS YOU. STOP. MEETING AT CONFERENCE BUILDING T. STOP. A.N.G.L.I.C.A., for those less informed on Anglica’s secret sub-divisions, stands for Authorized National General Language Investigation Committee of Agents.

During the last big assignment, I wasn’t even a member of this committee. I’d heard of the previous operation of 2011 when many iNMatES escaped in Turku and had to be put behind bars. This was something I had to see. So, I put on my suit, my sunglasses and hopped on my indistinguishable agent bike. The whole journey to the meeting place is a blur; I can only remember my hand trembling when I pulled the secret lever to get access to Teutori’s secret conference room. When we got there, I saw a dossier with a big CONFIDENTIAL-text stamped over it on the table. I quickly opened the folder and checked the first page.

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Operation: codeNaMES 2019

While I was still browsing through the papers, a whole flux of agents came into the room. Most of them I knew by name, some of them only Time: April 12th to April 14th through their legendary achievements. The best information gatherers in the whole bureau. The most knowledgeable technical wizards ever.

Location: Turku Some operatives thought to be MIA or even KIA. Here, in the same room with me. I felt my whole body shaking. And they asked me to be Importance: More important than the director of NMES committee.

I had done some big missions in my day, sure. All kinds of operations, some of them small, some of them enormous with some finance work on the side. But this assignment? It was a whole different beast.

Even though I was named the director of our bureau, I must admit the operation was a success only because of our extraordinary teamwork skills and our highly skilled operatives. We founded many subdivisions, had a lot of top-secret meetings and communicated over the dark web throughout the year to make sure the mission could even theoretically be completed.

And what a team it was! At some points, I felt we had way too many balls in the air, and I felt I had to monitor every team at every moment to make sure no part of the operation was half-assed. But that’s the beauty of working with the most experienced agents; it is a pure joy to see all the pieces fall into place, and see an operation be carried out without any hitches even though you can’t be overseeing all of it. During the 48 hour operation, we lost zero operatives and the whole operation was a major success, one that’s surely going to be studied for many future operations.

It was exhausting at times, it was stressful at times, but I haven’t regretted accepting the codeNaMES assignment for a single second of my life. But for now, it’s time to put that pager back into the drawer and continue my undercover assignment in the University, trying my best to not get stuck on one of the most memorable and enjoyable operations of my life. Below you can see some further reports from our excellent agents across all fields of the mission. Please read them in a secure place and remember that even the walls have eyes.

This level of a mission needed outside funding so one of the first tasks of the agents was to find suitable and willing sponsors and possible ways to raise money. During the year, operations were completed around Turku and companies were wooed for money and supplies for the mission. In April 2018, a unit of twenty-five agents embarked on a similar kind of mission in our country’s “capital” Helsinki.

This trip proved to be quite fruitful and the agents had new ideas on how to execute the mission in Turku. The scale of the operation became clear to the board of Anglica and more agents were recruited from the fresh batch of trainees.

Eventually, the last agents were hired at the beginning of 2019 and the headcount of the mission was 29.

January of 2019 went past quickly, and the group of agents held secret meetings on several occasions to make the mission work as smoothly as possible. In February, different kinds of special troops were formed to complete the arrangements of objectives “Outcome Wet Lurk”, “Carved Yeti Nut”, “A Fantasy Rapture”, “Crust Eel”, “A Hallmark Copter Vet”, “Pastry Zit” and “Save Leone Every”.

One of the biggest tasks was to inform the agents from other agencies across the country that their participation was vital to the mission. A hundred agents across the country confirmed their attendance by March and A.N.G.L.I.C.A. started the final countdown to the mission. Last members from our own agency were recruited in March and with less than a month to go, the game was on.

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Agent York Mökit

After months of careful planning, it came time to inform our fellow agents across the nation of our operation. A tricky task was ahead of us at the communications department. We were to craft a message that would equip our colleagues with the information to carry out their clandestine activities on schedule but would be indecipherable to any counter-espionage.

Carved Yeti Nut, Pastry Zit, A Hallmark Copter Vet Cyphers like these would ensure the security and success of our mission. With this in mind, we set out to record a video that could be transmitted to the other five Agencies. Our efforts were not deterred by the obstacles before us, such as an inordinate amount of people going in and out of the cathedral, we had chosen for a filming location or the hectic schedule of Föri. The invitation was sent. The video was released. The game was afoot.

The week of Operation codeNaMES came quickly, and the agency concluded last-minute missions such as Bake the Pies and Get the Goodies on Thursday and Friday. The finely planned schedule for Friday worked like a well-oiled machine and the agents from L.E.X.I.C.A., E.C.H.O., S.U.B., M.A.G.N.A.C.A.R.T.A., and V.E.R.B.A arrived just a few hours before the start of the operation. The first mission briefing was held at the Ruiskatu headquarters and the agents were informed of A.N.G.L.I.C.A’s policies. After that, the agents were sent off to execute their first two objectives “Carved Yeti Nut” and “A Fantasy Rapture”. The rendezvous for the mission was at the Turku Cathedral and tasks were carried out around the city. For “A Fantasy Rapture”, the agents were sent to outskirts of the city center.

Agent Kotka Rotta – Objective “A Fantasy Rapture”

NMES sauna. Hated by few, loved by many. After four hours in the rather chilly April evening, however, the objective “A Fantasy Rapture” certainly provided some much-needed warmth and comfort. In order to fit every NMES attendee, we had rented the biggest sauna we could find on the outskirts of town, with no less than three entrances, two saunas, and two kitchens, all of which were needed. Once inside, people wasted no time making themselves comfortable. Not all dared to enter the löyly, but those who did got to enjoy some very close contact with their fellow agents. The kiuas could have been hotter, but the joyous atmosphere and ear-shattering singing were enough to keep us going. As is well known, agents are generally quite well-mannered, and this was true during the first evening of NMES. Perhaps anticipating the following night, most left a few beers unopened and left for the headquarters not too late. A few mishaps are of course natural and to be expected, but all in all, the sauna was a great way to end the first day of Operation codeNaMES. 53

The night shifts at the headquarters proved to be quite interesting. Some tactile encounters were witnessed, but eventually, the headquarters fell silent as the agents prepared for the second day of Operation codeNaMES. Proper nutrition was provided, and agents headed to the next mission briefing.

The special agents Alien Punk Kent and Alias Rival Amiri from D.O.E. lectured on several subjects and the agents left for the objective “A Hallmark Copter Vet” educated on agently matters. After equipping themselves with some patches, the agents returned to the headquarters to suit up in their agent gear and continued to the objective “Pastry Zit”.

Agent Sakari Kaulaote – Objective “Crust Eel”

After a quick debriefing of the previous evening, our assembly of agents headed towards the Natura safe house seated on the University Hill. In a clandestine meeting, special agents M-L. Varila & P. Lintunen from D.O.E. educated us on the intricacies of espionage. In the lobby outside the lecture hall, some coffee and vegan muncks were had. The official proceedings began with agent Lintunen’s presentation about language as a code and how we need to be familiar with the principles behind the code in order to communicate successfully. The lecture slides were written in IPA to protect them from the eyes of our enemies. The presentation was a rousing success — it even urged a local agent to proclaim agent Lintunen as their personal idol.

Before agent Varila began her presentation, she taught us the infamous Skibidi dance, which was then performed in perfect synchrony by the entire lecture hall. We all felt rayed with well-being, young people from six different cities, immunized against the language of self. Skibidi wa-pa-pa. We hopped and skibidied, fortified by the blood of numbers.

Skibidi wa-pa-pa-pa-pa. After we got back in our seats, agent Varila offered us an intriguing glimpse into an encrypted correspondence from the 16th Century, namely the so-called casket letters of Mary, Queen of Scots. All in all, the co-operation of the Anglican Committee of Agents and the High Office of the English Department proved fruitful once again.

We all left the building with a renewed sense of purpose, the Skibidi song now living rent-free in the recesses of our minds.

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Agent Griselda Aranb – Objective “Carved Yeti Nut” The first real task our agents had to face and a proper commencement for our weekend was, of course, the infamous checkpoint race. Before the start, Turku was showing its best with its sunlit riverside when we gathered at the foot of the Cathedral. The air was buzzing with excitement when our jolly group of 105 was divided into 14 groups that exhibited the talent and charm of every attending city. In a flash, the teams were given their maps and pens, and everyone was on their way towards the finest taverns and parks of central Turku. The groups completed their tasks at various speeds but each with an unparalleled dedication and devotion. A few groups even managed to find our unofficial city mascot Posankka and get a friendsie before it was time to hurry back for the award ceremony. The accomplished winning team received their yummy prize and a lifetime of glory that can only be obtained by winning the codeNaMES checkpoint race.

Agent Korko Vatkaa – Operation codeNaMES In all honesty, I can’t believe it’s over already. The weekend swept by at the speed of light and it was Sunday morning before I even realized it. Having heard stories from more experienced agents from A.N.G.L.I.C.A. about their eventful journeys to NMES in other towns, I eagerly awaited all the funny mishaps that would happen during the agently activities. And oh boy I was not disappointed! Even though I mostly did behind the scenes -work, such as waiting the tables at the “Pastry Zit” and supervising at the headquarters (In the early morning hours after the objective “Pastry Zit” without any sleep… I’ll admit it wasn’t my wisest idea.), I had lots of fun and even made some new friends from other cities who I’m excited to meet at the next NMES. Sure, codeNaMES was different than travelling to another town for NMES would have been, and it wasn’t quite as exciting to to go to sleep in your own bed at your own home base as it would have been to fall asleep at the headquarters with dozens of other tired agents, but regardless, the weekend was totally worth all the work, and lots of fuNtiMES were had. These agents are gonna be seen roaming the streets of Tampere next year!

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Soon after the “Pastry Zit”, the agents traveled across the city to celebrate the successful mission all through the night and last ones returned to the headquarters soon after the sun had risen. On Sunday morning, there was only the last objective to carry out, “Save Leone Every”. By noon, the agents from other agencies left the headquarters with promises of a rendezvous in Tampere next year. The agents of A.N.G.L.I.C.A. completed last missions around Turku aiming to leave the city as it was before the operation. All in all, Operation codeNaMES was a success. 16 months, countless meetings and an unknown amount of money. Over 100 kilometers, a plethora of work hours and an average of 4 hours of sleep. All leading to 48 hours in Turku with 150 agents. Luckily, next time the only mission is to conquer Tampere and bring the Boy home.

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