She chose to live

She chose to live: a collection of prose and poetry by ameera salman

She realized her world was much bigger than she had ever known She had been walking for miles, eyes closed, hands together, feet moving one step at a time. She kept doing this. kept walking through the forest with her head down until She looked up and noticed She was all alone. everyone had left. She did not know where they went, but She knew they were gone. She called out their names, but all She heard back was the sound of a tree falling. it shook the earth under her feet, knocking her to her knees. She was weak: her head throbbed, her eyes twitched, and her hands shook; she could not breathe. She looked back to see if her friends had fallen somewhere along the way, but all She could see was smoke. the forest behind her was burning. She could not get up, She could not move; She lay her head down and closed her eyes, shutting out the pain. that’s when She heard it. the crying. it was her brother. her brother. he was not even three yet. he cried for her. She looked up. looked for him. She did not see him, but She did see the sky. the sun was awakening. the sky was the most beautiful shade of pink She had ever seen. something inside of her cracked, no—shattered. She felt the light of the sun enter her soul and wake her up. She did not want to die. She was not going to give up. the crying had stopped. She looked back; the path was still filled with smoke, but the forest was no longer burning. She stood slowly, walked back the way She came. She was going to find herself wherever She had fallen on the way to here. She did not expect to find her friends as She remembered what She did. She remembered pushing them off the path, away from her. She loved them. But a part of her needed them gone. She wanted-needed- to be alone. She wanted to breathe. She needed to be able to survive on her own to find her friends again. She would find them someday once She deserved them. on her walk back, She stumbled upon a notebook and pen. with it, She started writing. writing to everyone she loved, everyone She had left. She wrote, and She wrote, and She wrote. and then She cried. She cried until the ink on her paper was splotched and smudged and gone. She lay on the ground beside her tear soaked paper and dreamt of her past. She dreamt of wistful rollercoaster rides and photo shoots in the backyard. nothing could ever bring that back to her. She would have to find it again somewhere else. somewhere She had never been before. because—if a forest is burning, you do not walk into it. no matter how much you want to—you don’t.

her heart let go before She did. he was her first kiss. they boy who refused ever to admit how he felt. that was why She stopped loving him. It was not because of how hard She tried to, but because her heart knew: even if he did love her back, he would never tell her. so, after what had felt like an eternity, She let him go. her heart did, without telling her. and how She knew? the last time She imagined hugging him, or kissing him, or loving him, She felt herself back away and stand beside him as they looked over a beautiful city; when She looked back at him, She saw him dissolving into stardust beside her. She felt the chain and lock on her heart click and fall away. It was like a weight being lifted off of her head, her heart, her soul. She felt light and feathery and new. She saw her life before her, free from the burden of unrequited love, her only feelings for him would be in the past— her only memories of him would be of when they were best friends and could say “I love you” without it being weird. but there is a reason those things are in the past: because they have passed, and you needn’t fuss over them anymore, darling.

god made the earth in six days the snow covers her hair like ash on the white marble of a once-beautiful kitchen. except her hair is dark. She dyed it for this—that dark on light. when her friends see it, they say She wants to change herself, to fix herself but She knows She cannot. She knows there is no fixing what is not broken. there is only bettering. it takes her six days to understand this. six days. on the first day, She feels broken. She cries because She does not see the point in tomorrow. on the second day, She is numb. her wounds are scabbed over and they throb with a beat to match her heart. on the third day, She has scars. She hates them. She tries to scrub them away, hide them. but She does not see the beauty in her survival, does not see the beauty in tomorrow. on the fourth day, She sleeps. recharges her body from the drain of breaking. She dreams of before: sled races on snow days, trick or treating in real costumes, and friends who really loved her. on the fifth day, She wrote. She wrote until her hand cramped and the words blended together into nonsense. but She felt the pain leave as the words did. it was like poison leaving a wound—it still hurt, but it was no longer killing her. and on the sixth day, She healed. her scars faded to distant memories. her heart is a haphazard picture of stitches sewn across the cracks. and, like god, on the seventh day, She rested. She rested and remembered. and like a voice in her head, She knew. She knew. you.

god did not put you on this great, green earth to be anyone but who he made

her heart breaks with the delicacy of sea glass he held her hand gently, eyes on her face. they resemble delicate sea glass; so beautiful, yet so breakable. he would never say it, but the smile on his face is often a cover for the pain he refuses to show—a mask that he wears always. but She wants him to show her. She wants to help him. She knows he is broken, he hides it well, but it breaks her too. but there is nothing She can do. She had been stupid and ruined everything in every possible way. now there was nothing. they could never be together. She looks at him again. She loves him. She knows it in her mind, her heart, her soul, She has never loved anyone like She loves him. he appears in her dreams every night with surprises and words and love that She will never have. “I love you,” She tries to say, but he is gone. She will only see him again in her dreams. She needs him like She has needed no one else before, but he does not need her. because, darling, you cannot truly love someone until they accept your love.

She cannot breathe when She is alone. She did not walk away. She was dragged. She never chose to be alone. She was shoved, kicking and screaming, into a room at the top of a tower, door locked, key thrown away. there were no windows in this room, only walls covered in mirrors. millions upon millions of faces staring at her, none that She recognized. She was no one when She was alone, yet She was everyone. She knew the secrets of the universe, but could not make herself sleep. She could hear god speak to her, yet still questioned if he was real. “He is only real if you believe in him,” She remembered hearing once. She did not know who had said that—that memory had been stolen from her long ago. but She knew it was true. the secret of the universe is that there is none. the world is one’s for creating. it is whatever one wishes it to be. She wished that it could go back. that her world could return to the simple, unending orbit with which it once turned. She missed her. her sun. She missed it, but it was gone. but She knew it would be okay as She heard the universe tell her: “The pain will end. The sun will shine again, and you will smile. You will smile brighter than the sun—a smile that the world has never seen before.” because you will need her. and you will not be able to breathe without her. but you will be okay—all pain is temporary

She broke her soul while breaking her body her blood dripped onto the snow. the stark contrast was like music to her eyes. the blood ran from her broken soul, down her arms, dripping from her fingertips. She couldn’t remember who had done this, maybe it was her—maybe everything had finally become too much, and She did what had to be done. She knew this would not solve anything. they would not unlock her tower door. he would not love her. no one would miss her. so She kept going. kept scraping until She could see the deepest depths of her soul, her true form. and when She saw it, She cried. cried for help, for herself, for her soul, for anyone to help her, but no one could—She had dug this hole herself. She cried for the pain She had caused such a beautiful thing. She wished She could apologize. “I’m sorry for hurting myself, not knowing I was hurting you too. You deserve better than me.” She cried and cried, falling into the snow. the blood danced on her fingertips, as her eyes slowly shut. do not hurt yourself in the mirror as if the mirror feels nothing.

She made friends with the monster in her closet She smashed the mirror with her fist. threw her phone against the wall. there was an insatiable hunger in her chest for revenge. She had never felt so much anger before. her lungs struggled to fill themselves. her hands shook. “Whore,” She wanted to scream. “I hate you.” She kicked against the wall, the ground, biting her lip to keep from screaming. She did not want to explain. She did not want to be wrong. She had seen it ages ago but was blinded by loneliness and a self-destructive urge that could only be fed by one person. She wished She could scream it at the top of her lungs, hit something, someone, until the ache in her chest eased. but it wouldn’t. it never did. the ache never left. it sat on her chest like an elephant that claimed to be her friend but really just made it hard to breathe. it was hard to breathe. it was hard to breathe as She watched the thing She loved most become entwined with the thing She hated most. No one is who they say they are, She knows. but She only learned that by learning it the hard way. She screamed into her pillow, yelling insults that only She would hear. but that’s always the point, isn’t it? She will not say it to their faces but She will say it to herself. it is a futile goal to try to change someone. and even more so to try to fix them. fixed.

you tried to fix them, darling, but you will soon learn that some people cannot be

She cried when She looked in the mirror She walked through the desolate landfill of her life, trying to remember who had dropped all of this garbage on her. who would do this? She trudged along past old haunts and old friends and old habits. some She missed, others shook her to her core. but either way, She could not go back, She knew. She could not go back down the path on which She had been set by god or some other cruel higher power. She had to find her way back to herself after being torn away from her life. She was angry. at everyone. at the world. at anyone who put her here. She did not want to be here. She did not deserve to be here. as She walked farther, She heard the voices. everyone was calling her. She opened her mouth to answer, but no sound came out. they all called for her, needed something from her. her head pounded with the sound of her own name. She couldn’t even hear herself breathe; maybe She wasn’t breathing. the voices grew louder, and what they were saying changed. She could hear them say, “It’s all your fault, it’s all your fault.” they kept saying it. over and over and over again. and in that moment, She knew: they were right. it was her fault. every choice and every habit and every friend and every haunt and every mistake had brought her to this exact moment. She had made those choices. no matter her intentions, what is done is done. it is time to wake up and look in the mirror and apologize. sometimes there is no one to blame but yourself.

at least that’s how all my favorite book characters feel i will save you if you will save me in return is that too much to ask? because i know you don’t need me but i need you so think of this as a compromise because a life without you is no life at all

your arms are easy to fall into you make me want to run not away from anything but to you

nothing means nothing come over and whisper sweet nothings that will mean nothing tomorrow cause that’s the point isn’t it?

there is a certain glow to you that brightens my dark soul i am in a constant state of unhappiness help me be happy again

i am selfish in my need for love i don’t want to love myself so i hope that you’ll love me

unrequited love is a bitch i love you and i love loving you but i just wish it didn’t hurt so goddamn much

misery loves company if unrequited love hurts this bad why would i ever want to be loved?

inconspicuously waiting on the second-floor ledge maybe if i don’t look for you you’ll appear

i turn on my fairy lights and write poems about you will you be my late night midnight muse under fairy lights can i paint your eyes with words tell you how much you mean to me without speaking

i read the dictionary in fifth grade i imagine that there is a word that perfectly describes every thought and feeling that every human has ever had except for one how i feel about you

you’re easy to look at i get lost in your eyes just like i am lost in everything else

he wants to love but is afraid to be loved there is a careful way about the way he doesn’t care

it is hard to let go of something you are chained to let’s just say i can’t let you go even though i never had you in the first place how do i breathe i need you but you don’t need me

humans are imperfect machines; so are you you fear intimacy because you fear yourself you fear commitment because you fear yourself stop fearing yourself you are the only thing in the universe that you can control you are the last thing you should be scared of

i tell myself a lie hoping it will come true i picture you in front of me and tell you i don't love you anymore and i say it over and over again and i will keep saying it until i mean it

pain is a green monster wearing your cologne i miss you and i don’t want to but for right now i’m just gonna miss you until it stops hurting

i have never been more excited to cry in my life often times i cry because i am sad but today i cry because i am happy

it is time to see you are bad for me it is time to stop needing you as much as it will hurt because i truly need no one but myself

i have no excuses now sometimes i miss being depressed because being depressed was my excuse for you

i listen to too many breakup songs for a girl who’s never been through a breakup she asks when he fell out of love with her but i ask how do i fall out of love with you?

rhys, jace, will, i love you you are like my favorite book characters terrible damaged unavailable except where deep down they are good you are not

i don’t want loving you to mean nothing someday my heart aches at the thought of meaningless things

i am okay with letting you go now seeing you today has made everything make sense i love you but i am ready to stop

i have begun to learn that it is okay to be sad sometimes darling you have to feel pain before you can feel love

taylor swift is my idol and i don’t care if you laugh i stopped listening to your music because i was scared to love you but now i no longer care because i know: you are and always will be my home

am i cool because i listen to the 1975? i spend hours in my room finding new music trying to hear every word feel each one and that is my therapy

hating you is the hardest thing i’ve done i miss you i love you i hate you you are a terrible person who did terrible things but i still miss you

what if i destroy you? i want to love you i think you’ll be good for me but am i good for you?

the keeper cloud fluffy and light filled with sorrow grey and hazy your eyes glaze over as your body is overtaken by the good-natured buzz of love love a four letter word harder to say than vape or blow or fuck harder to mean mean mean what you say-or say what you mean? which is more important to you-or to me me your too-hot big-top cute-chick great-babe rockin’-body tool for you to use use use me like you use a pencil

write until i snap or i run out of lead it won’t matter if I’m dead dead kill me with one look strangle the breath from my lungs with your touch light me on fire with one single match match we are not a match I will never walk down your aisle or sit by your bedside I will come and I will go as quick as a puff of smoke smoke you are like smoke untouchable easy to lose and impossible to keep keep clouds are just fog they cannot be laid upon cannot be held and most definitely cannot be kept

Linens and Skies febreze is a fabric refresher it eliminates lingering odors and freshens a bed that you never touched but were always in how can i do the same for myself rid my skin of your gentle touch lunches listening to our favorite song watching bob ross in your car it is no secret that i love you but some secrets are not kept they are just not spoken near touches in the hallway insults neither of us means it is my prerogative to love someone who cannot love me back but that’s okay because at least my bed smells like linens and skies and not you

i don’t know a lot about galaxies i don't know a lot about galaxies but i know a lot about you you are a purple star filled soul that is floating untethered through space i can see you from earth i watch you drift by having the time of your life and i wish more than anything that you could have the time of your life with me right here i try to bring you back down or at least prevent you from falling into a black hole gently wrangle you back in with words like “i support you” “it'll be okay” and our favorite: “you're not a bad person” but frankly, no one is a bad person while floating in space you wave to me from the spaceship you now cling to i tell you she can’t hold you she can barely hold herself but you dismiss it and say you’ll see me on your way back around galaxies are a tricky thing they are unknown and unsafe yet they harbor all life i imagine you like that something dangerous

that i want to keep safe but you are not a galaxy you are simply a broken boy that i love but cannot fix no, you are not a galaxy but it seems that whenever i look at you you become the center of mine

The love letter I should have written myself years ago “Sometimes I don’t want to save myself.” “Sometimes you have to.” i have to i have to i have to swim as far into the ice blue water as i can and imagine that i am drowning i have to call for help call to the night sky with only the stars to hear me i have to gasp for air before i go under pass by the fish and the tadpoles and all my friends wave to them as i go down “Goodbye,” i say, “It’s been lovely.” but they do not respond how i expect them to they say, “No, come back, we love you. You know how to swim.” i know how to swim i have to i took lessons with my mother when i was little i have to know how to swim i swam across my family’s lake without a life jacket i don’t need a life jacket i know how to swim i am going to see the stars again

i am going to breathe again i am going to see you again i push up with my arms and legs and i imagine myself like an octopus swimming to the surface you know the feeling and then i gasp for air and i see the stars i am breathing and on the shore waiting for me like a beacon of light in a dark, dark world is you.