THE LAST WORD THE TIGER MOM LOOKS BACK

BY LOIS M. COLLINS

hen Amy Chua applied to teach law, she was rejected by 40 schools. And yet today Chua is not only a professor at W Yale, she’s one of the most widely recognized legal experts in the country. Chua’s grit and determination is a thread through most of her work, which first burst into the national consciousness with her international bestseller, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” That book, in which Chua refuses to let her daughter go to the bathroom until she masters a difficult piano composition, attracted both ire and fame for Chua, but she says her fiercest critics missed the central message: The most important thing for children is unconditional love. Her most recent book, “Political Tribes,” offers an unlikely solution to America’s partisan polarization. “Enough false slogans of unity, which are just another form of divisiveness. It is time for a more difficult unity that acknowledges the reality of group differences and fights the deep inequities that divide us.” Chua spoke to Deseret Magazine from her office in New Haven, Connecticut. This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

You took some heat for “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.’’ As you look back, would you change how you parent, then or now? Of course, like any parent, there are many little things that I would change. But maybe I’m just stubborn. I would probably do more or less the same thing. I’m incredibly proud of my daughters, who are now 25 and 28. I’m very close to them, I love it that they always want to come home. They’re very, very family-oriented. They claim they want to raise their kids the same way. So I think that’s a good sign. I made a lot of mistakes. But I’m ultimately very, very proud of the young women they’ve become — and a lot of it has nothing to do with me.

It feels like some people glossed over the warmth you emphasized in the tiger mom book. I could not agree more. It’s about striking a balance, and knowing that unconditional love and warmth is ultimately the most important thing. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

I had all kinds of very kind, warm, funny responses from people who said, “I parented the exact opposite way, but I kind of related to this part,” or, “That part, I got it.” And the angriest, most brutal emails and responses I got were actually from people who often had very, very bad relationships with their own children, whether they were strict or lenient. It was almost more of a reflection of that.

After “Tiger Mother” you wrote “The Triple Package,” which focused on why certain groups are successful. What led you to write that book, and to write about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? For “Triple Package” we took a snapshot of 15 “of the most successful”

groups in America. I was very clear to define success in a certain way: ed- parents were Chinese immigrants or because my mother was a devout ucational achievement, and per capita income and corporate dominance. Catholic. When I was younger, I couldn’t wear certain kinds of clothing, And I said, this is not at all to be equated with a deeper form of success or I had to wear flat shoes. We couldn’t swear. So I just felt a lot of comhappiness or joy. But given that there’s all this talk in America, that there monality in the way that I was raised. I was always subject as a kid to so is no longer any upward mobility, let’s look at some of the groups that are many rules — more rules than everybody else. It turns out that’s exactly doing really well and who they are. how Latter-day Saints feel. Other kids are going to the shopping mall

We came up with a very interesting list that included people of all races and drinking and dating at a young age. And you see the Latter-day Saint — Nigerian Americans, Cuban Americans, Iranian Americans, Latter-day teenagers living very differently. And that’s exactly how I was raised and Saints and Jews, and I think Taiwanese Americans. how I wanted to raise my own children.

We noticed all of these groups share three things: First, a sense of almost like exceptionalism. We call it a superiority complex to be a little Your most recent book, “Political Tribes,” seems especially relevant today. What bit provocative. Being special. That feeling gives you confidence in a way does it say about American politics? many people know is necessary for success. That was the first prong, this I wanted to step back like I do with all of my academic books and try to sense of exceptionality. Coming from a Chinese American family, I was rise above the fray and instead of taking sides and becoming part of the always told we come from the oldest, most magnificent civilization in hu- tribal problems, asking: “How do we diagnose the problem?” How do we man history. That gives you a sense of pride. get to this moment in the United States, where basically, we have two po-

The second feature was almost the exact opposite, which is a sense of litical parties and each side views the other side not as fellow Americans insecurity. That is what fascinated me, that these groups were all kind of that they want to disagree with, but basically as people who are the eneoutsiders, out of the mainstream in some way. And I was trying to make my, people who are not real Americans, who are evil. It’s a very dangerous sense of that when somebody said, look at Steve Jobs, who was still alive. situation when you have that kind of feeling because it is bordering on a He’s a perfect incarnation of that combination: He recipe for civil war. thought he could do anything. He also had this deep I wrote it to understand this political moment in sense that he just wasn’t being recognized. the United States. I found lots of studies that showed that’s a very motivating factor when you have that chip-on-the- “I USED TO BE IN A RUSH FOR One of the main thrusts of this book is that the United States is, for the first time, starting to exhibit shoulder feeling. Many Latter-day Saint leaders EVERYTHING, destructive political dynamics that historically have have actually used that exact phrase, these business CONSTANTLY been much more typical of developing countries, like leaders, like I have a bit of a chip on the shoulder and WONDERING WHY lurches towards authoritarianism, ethno-nationalist this sense of being a little bit on the outs. The third prong is what we call impulse control. PEOPLE WERE DRIVING SO SLOW. NOW I movements, the erosion of trust in electoral outcomes and institutions, which is what we’ve been seeing. Immigrant families have this in spades: You’ve got DRIVE MUCH, to work hard. I had all these statistics that were MUCH MORE SLOWLY. I understand that you recently had a health scare. What just anecdotal in the tiger mom book that I actually I HAVE RETAINED did you learn from that? found; it was fascinating. It was something like, the average amount of time a Western mother makes THIS FEELING OF, “WHAT ARE YOU RUSHING FOR? In late August of 2018, I taught my first class. And I hadn’t been feeling well for a week. I had a high their toddler spend in a focused activity, like doing YOU’RE RUSHING TO fever. I was kind of dizzy and nauseous and had tera puzzle, was something like 25 seconds compared to NOWHERE.” rible stomach pains. But being the tiger mom and a Chinese American child’s hour and a half. So there being raised with a lot of grit, I downed Advil and were the statistical differences. And once again, you thought, “I can push through.” The next morning, know, the Latter-day Saint community fit perfectly I was rushed to the emergency room. Within 24 into that model — enormous impulse control and hours, I had eight tubes stuck in me. I was in the self-discipline instilled at an early age, including certain things that you ICU, all my organs failing. Nobody knew what was happening. When can’t consume, and no alcohol. they finally opened me up, they discovered a 2-centimeter hole in my colon, just a freak medical thing. I was so lucky. In the end, it was not You have been to Utah many times. Why do you think your work resonates cancer, just diverticulitis. I was in the hospital for three weeks, I came out out here? in a wheelchair, I lost all my hair. I was out for a whole year. I think it’s that we have a lot in common. I put the family first. I was I almost wish I could get back to that. I started seeing the beauty in the raised Catholic, and I’m not as deeply religious, although I think I am world and nature. I’ve always been this person that was too busy for that. deeply spiritual. I think it’s very unusual among Americans to see the I would look at trees and flowers, and oh my gosh, it did give me a deeper respect that Latter-day Saints instill in their children for their elders. sense of what’s important. It affected me profoundly. I now just enjoy what That feels very Chinese. The Confucian way is you always respect your I think previously I would have considered a waste of time. I used to be in a elders, you respect your parents, you respect your teachers. There’s this rush for everything, constantly wondering why people were driving so slow. American individualism — my husband, who is brilliant and wonder- Now I drive much, much more slowly. I have retained this feeling of, “What ful — was raised to question authority constantly. I see advantages to are you rushing for? You’re rushing to nowhere.” I remember giving some that, too. But the way that Latter-day Saint parents raise their children tips when I gave the BYU law school commencement speech — things to do is something that has always impressed me and resonated with me. Sim- as you go forward. Reject bitterness and pettiness. Just be generous. That ilarly, I was raised a little bit clean-cut. I don’t know if that’s because my will always lift your spirits, and it will always make everything better.