ICARUS’ REPLY-ALL: THE GREAT FUNDING YOUR POSTGRAD EMAIL WAR OF 2022

“A limited number of scholarships are available to applicants with an International or refugee status These are awarded on a competitive basis and preference is given to senior candidates. Applications are to be made the preceding year. ”

A postgrad funding email came

From Faculty one day

It landed in an inbox

Not so very far away

The first-year at their Macbook screen Rubbed their hands with glee And grinning pressed the button That started World War Three

From Liesbeek to Baxter to Groote Schuur

The “please remove me ” s began to race There were even email jams No traffic lights in cyberspace

In the time it takes a sign-up to close The silence fell, the fury rose

“Before the next “Please unsubscribe” shotgun to the entire group goes out: Read the bottom of the message and be empowered:

“This automatic notification message was sent by Vula (https://vula.uct.ac.za/portal) from the Funding your Postgrad site. You can modify how you receive notifications at Home > Preferences "

Good luck

[Name redacted]

Associate Professor

Department of Anaesthesia and Perioperative Medicine, University of Cape Town

But the good doctor’s warning met vacant ears

Good Evening All

Could everyone asking to be unsubscribed from the Post-Grad funding page, please email the account sending the emails directly Replying to the emails recieved literally sends your response to the ENTIRE mailing list not just the account who sent the email. This means the rest of us are getting a bunch of unnecessary emails and notifications on account of people asking to be unsubscribed

Kind Regards

[Name redacted]

But he kindly regarded in vain

In the time it takes to draw a breath

Or source a ‘muffin’, inbox death

The academic staff huddled behind the doors of their fallout shel.. offices

Like soldiers fighting the good fight – but losing The students, scrambling to silence their inboxes

A twisted few (me) finding the ordeal rather amusing

The “nip it in the bud” martyrs

Their hammered keyboards beginning to rust Have scrawled –

These emails are MEANT for undergrads If an undergrad would like to study further, this is how they can fund it They are not for postgrads, who necessarily have organised some kind of funding already!

In the dust

A helpful little email came From Funding Your Postgrad one day It landed in Humanities

(So the students in other faculties say)

The first-year at their Macbook screen Should be given involuntary vac

But that wouldn't bring seventeen thousand five hundred and fifty two emails back, Would it?

– Jered Shorkend

(Yes, I ripped much of it off from Icarus Allsorts I’m not going to write a poem from scratch about emails)