April 2023

April 2023

Volume 1 Issue 4

MAGAZINE

A Lifestyle Magazine Made for Everyone

So You Want to Visit a

Dungeon

Featuring

aeroroses

Welcome to the dark side!

What does it mean to be jealous?

UNCONDITIONAL CONFESSIONS OF POLY The Emotional and

Physical Struggle of what it takes

A SEX WORKER True Stories of the

Strange and Unusual

altlifemagazine.com

April 2023

Volume 1 Issue 4

TABLE OF CONTENTS 04

Dear Abby Advice

24

Navigating The Lifestyle Scene While Pregnant

05

Defining Alt Life

28

Art of Misunderstanding

06

So You Want to Visit a Dungeon?

31

The Swinging Skeptic on The Science of Lube

12

Umm, What Was That Popping Sound?

33

Finding Kink Aware Medical Care

15

Understanding Jealousy

36

Confessions of a Sex Worker

18

Hair Extensions Being Pulled To The Test

41

Unconditional Poly

20

Secrets Takeover - Top 10

44

Cover Feature Aeroroses

22

Not Really Swingers, Not Really Poly

47

Staff Spotlight

02

DAN & LACY, THE SWING NATION

ASHLYN MULTIMEDIA DIRECTOR

Contributors

BEHIND THE SCENES

JEFF & ERYNN, SWINGER SOCIETY

MEG EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT

DESTINIE MARKETING DIRECTOR

NICOLE OPERATIONS

EDITORS

CHRISTINA

JES

CASEY

KALI

POPPUNKPINEAPPLE

LAYOUT & DESIGN

CAT

SUZI

JASON

TARA

03

Lifestyle Advice

TRUST. HOW DO YOU REBUILD TRUST WITH YOUR PARTNER AFTER THEY - ANONYMOUS BROKE IT ?

BY: KALI

The person whose trust was broken needs to be able to communicate how and why they felt that way, and in what ways it can be made right.

DEAR ANONYMOUS Trust is the core foundation in any relationship and even more so in ENM. When trust is broken, it can be devastating!

The good news is it can generally be rebuilt with time, patience, and communication from all parties involved. I would first suggest looking at why and how the trust was broken.

Have a conversation with each other and see what the reasoning was for the deceit (or whatever it was that resulted in the loss of trust), and figure out what and how to go about rebuilding the trust. Each situation is unique and each person may need something different to help them be able to trust again. The key to success here is communicating.

The person whose trust was broken needs to be able to communicate how and why they felt that way, and in what ways it can be made right. This may not always be clear and may take time to figure out what is needed, but communicating that to the partner that broke the trust is vital.

The partner that broke the trust needs to be open, understanding, and willing to work with their partner to remedy the situation, IF that is something they are wanting as well.

For crossing a boundary, It may be best to sit down and talk about why that boundary was crossed. Was it done with intent, or in the heat of the moment? Identifying this can help you navigate how to approach the breaking of trust and what may need to change moving forward. If it was in the heat of the moment, consider putting up some safeguards before that is ever crossed again. These are things to help prevent that boundary from being crossed in the heat of the moment.

They act as speed bumps if you will to remind of the upcoming boundary. If it was intentional, that is a very different conversation. One which will require deeper diving and lots more conversation to figure out the reason for that boundary being crossed. In both instances, being able to effectively communicate AND understand your partner will be the way to overcome and rebuild that trust.

04

TN_Gal_Nicole joins ALT Life as editorial operations, and is passionate about ENM education

Lifestyle Definitions

Defining

05

Kink

SO YOU WANT TO VISIT A

DUNGEON?

CADENCE RAYNE

Let me be the first to say, “Welcome to the dark side!”

The decision to visit a dungeon should not be taken lightly. I highly recommend before moving forward that you go back to all previous issues of ALT LIFE and read the kink section. Rest assured, there are tidbits of information there that will help make sense of some things this article discusses. BDSM, kink and swinging, while both under the umbrella of alternative lifestyles, are vastly different. Many different terms, rules, boundaries, etc. are equally different. To visit a dungeon without at least a basic understanding will lead to a potentially poor experience, not only for you but potentially for the other patrons of the space you visit.

Who attends BDSM dungeons?

Every walk of life can be found in a public dungeon – from a stay-at-home parent to a predominant political official and everything in between. The important thing to note is that discretion is important to almost everyone that attends, therefore you are expected to act accordingly.

06

BDSM dungeons are simply spaces that cater to those that practice BDSM. In most major cities, you can find spaces that are open to the public (with membership) but it is possible to find dungeons that serve a professional community, where you could pay for the services of a Dominant/Dominatrix. You can also find private dungeons, but typically you will only find those if you know the person that owns the space – those events are usually closed and attendance is by invite only. For the purpose of this article, we will focus on the public spaces within the dungeon.

Kink

What is a BDSM dungeon?

Where can I find a BDSM dungeon?

BDSM dungeons are simply spaces that cater to those that practice BDSM. In most major cities, you can find spaces that are open to the public (with membership) but it is possible to find dungeons that serve a professional community, where you could pay for the services of a Dominant/Dominatrix. You can also find private dungeons, but typically you will only find those if you know the person that owns the space – those events are usually closed and attendance is by invite only. For the purpose of this article, we will focus on the public spaces within the dungeon.

07

Kink

When can I visit a dungeon?

BBDSM dungeons operate similarly to swingers clubs – typically focused on weekends, with some limited availability during the week as well.

Each dungeon sets its hours, pricing, and requirements for attendance. It is important to note that some dungeons set aside certain nights for certain age demographics or certain types of BDSM, therefore planning and awareness of the space you are visiting are of utmost importance.

Additionally, many dungeons require vetting in advance of your attendance. Vetting can mean any number of different things depending on the dungeon, and again – you need to inquire about where you plan to visit. However, if vetting is required, you most likely will need to do some additional work in advance of your visit such as completing a membership application, having a known local BDSM community member vouch for you, and even possibly be required to attend a specific vetting event in advance.

You will be required to sign in and complete any of the processes that couldn’t be completed in advance.

This includes verification of ID, signing of waivers, completion of membership forms, and collecting the membership and door fees.

Be sure to know what those are in advance and what forms of payment are accepted.

I highly recommend taking a tour, if nothing else to help get a lay of the land – what is considered social space? What is considered play space? Is there a separate space for aftercare? Knowing this in advance can save you from being in the wrong space, and doing the wrong things!

Every walk

of life

can be found in a public

dungeon

08

Kink

Do’s And Don’ts Don’t Touch anyone or anything without explicit consent – that means toys, people, everything. This seems obvious, but you would be surprised at the times this simple boundary is crossed. DO NOT BE THAT PERSON. Consent is a guiding principle in the BDSM lifestyle and even if you don’t understand BDSM, this one thing should be a given. If you were to ask those in the BDSM lifestyle what they wish swingers would understand when they come over into the BDSM world is that CONSENT MATTERS. As a person that walks both lines, I can assure you that while we do preach consent on the swinger side of the coin – far too many people don’t walk the walk and WE NEED TO DO BETTER Go it alone. Find a friend, set up a safe call, and maybe even attend some other less intense events in advance and meet others from the local BDSM scene.

Yuck other people’s yum! If it’s not for you, that’s okay. Move along. There is no need to discuss it or tell someone why you don’t like it. We are all in the space for an experience, and your adversity to an experience that someone else finds to be a turn-on isn’t going to help anyone.

Do’s Ask questions. HOWEVER, please refrain from disrupting a scene. Wait until the scene has ended and the person with whom you would like to speak with has finished any end-of-scene responsibilities which could include storing implements, sanitizing the play space, and administering or receiving any aftercare. A good point of reference is to wait until you see them interact with others outside of the scene. It is also important to note if you are attempting to interact with the submissive/bottom of a scene – they may or may not have permission to speak to you in return.

Be aware of your surroundings and avoid being disruptive. Walking near a scene that is underway might seem as if it is not a problem, but if the Dominant/Top is wielding a whip and you end up hit – well, that is your fault. Also, loud conversations near an active scene are frowned upon. Take your conversations to the spaces that are set aside specifically for socialization – the dungeon IS NOT IT.

09

FAQs

Kink

What do I wear?

When in doubt, wear black! However, you could be adventurous and wear lingerie, corsets, or even leather/latex fetish wear. Rest assured you will find all sorts of attire represented in a dungeon. Regardless of what you choose, dress to impress and make sure to have good hygiene – these spaces aren’t always large or well-ventilated!

Is there security? How do you monitor the space?

Many people will enter a dungeon space and wonder how it is possible to monitor since many of the activities elicit responses of screaming, crying, etc. Within the BDSM community, safe words are commonly discussed in advance of a scene. Many people use “yellow” and “red” as words to convey where they are and whether or not they need a scene to pause or end. If verbally communicating a safe word isn’t possible then some non-verbal cue is typically discussed in advance. Ultimately, the Dominant/Top is responsible for listening/watching the submissive/bottom to ensure that they are within their boundaries. However, there are also dungeon monitors that are patrolling the entire space and will interrupt scenes if they appear to be exceeding a certain threshold or if consent becomes questionable. These dungeon monitors are typically also trained in CPR and other medical response methods.

If you witness what you deem to be an unusually aggressive scene and the dungeon monitors are not intervening, it is likely that this particular scene was negotiated and communicated with them in advance. Under no circumstances should you intervene in a scene, but instead make the dungeon monitor aware.

Do I have to participate? Do I have to get naked?

Play is not a requirement to attend a BDSM dungeon. And whether you play or not, getting naked is not a requirement. These two things are up to each individual.

How do I learn to do some of these things, like flogging or whipping or tying someone up?

A BDSM dungeon is not the ideal space to learn – these spaces are for those people that already have a skill set and need the space to use it. Instead, you should seek out educational opportunities in your area. Again, the best way to connect with these opportunities is through Fetlife. In some instances, the dungeon will sponsor an evening of educational opportunities. However, by and large, that is not how the space is intended to be used. If you see someone that is doing something you particularly want to learn, you might ask them (when they are not in the midst of a scene) where to look locally.

10

Kink

FAQs How do I find someone to play with?

Again, finding someone the same night you visit for the first time is not ideal and may not be safe. Vetting play partners should be an important part of your journey – so, asking questions like, “are they considered safe within the community” or “do they honor boundaries and safe words” are key conversations to have with others.

Getting to know others in the local community will serve you well if you are looking for play partners. Again, this alludes to getting active in other facets outside the dungeon and Fetlife can lead you to those opportunities.

Freaking out and thinking this might not be for you after all?

Does this sound like it might be more than you are ready for? Consider finding a local munch (BDSM term for vanilla Meet & Greet) and meet other kinky folks in your area.

They can guide you on places to go, and places to avoid and can even assist in vetting you should the need arise.

In Atlanta I would venture to guess that there are typically at least 2 – 5 munches a week within the metro area. These cater to geographic areas, specific types of kink, etc. They are typically held on the same day/time monthly (i.e. the third Thursday). If you glance through Fetlife you will find them easily. Munches are typically held in restaurants and bars, are completely vanilla (don’t arrive in fetishwear, it is typically frowned upon!) and are a great way to meet other people in the area. Attending a munch typically allows you to hear announcements about other local events too – and maybe even meet the event hosts!

DISCLAIMER Much like swing events get labeled as “cliquish” – the BDSM community can very easily be labeled similarly. I would encourage you to realize that you are a new person entering an established community where all know one another to a certain degree. Interaction and time are key to having the best experience. If you are naturally a wallflower, you will need to push your boundaries a bit and get out of your comfort zone – or else, you might leave without meeting people that will change your kinky world!

11

Sexual Health & Education

BY ANGELA STOEHR, MD FACOG

Umm, what was that popping sound?!?

Most of us at some point have heard stories of a broken dick. But, can it really happen?

Can someone fracture their penis? The answer is, sort of... and it’s a surgical emergency. Let me explain and give all the details.

Penises can’t actually fracture because they don’t have any bones in them. What is happening when someone “breaks their dick" is a little more nuanced.

The penis has two column-like chambers that fill with blood when aroused to create an erection. They are called the corpora cavernosa. These two structures are covered in a lining of sorts called the tunica albuginea which is what holds the blood in the tubes. A penis “fracture" is when that lining is torn, allowing the blood to leak out of the columns.

12

Sexual Health & Education

How does this happen? It’s not just with rough sex, actually. It’s most common when the vagina owner is on top, the penis is erect and slips out of the vagina, and then vagina owner continues to thrust. The penis gets “caught" on the pubic bone and the pressure on the erect penis causes it to bend, tearing open the tunica albuginea. It can also happen with any blunt force directly to the penis during an erection, like running into a door in a dark room, or rolling over just the wrong way.

This can happen at any age, but is more common in younger penis owners as their erections are typically naturally stronger and the tunica is tauter. However, with any type of medical use to encourage erections, this risk would be about the same (think tri-shots or Cialis).

There are a few things that happen with a broken dick.

First, there is often a popping sound, akin to hearing a bone break.

It may be heard by other people in the room, but sometimes is just “felt" by the penis owner. It hurts, like, a LOT. That pain may abate a little after the initial pop, but may get worse over time as well.

There is IMMEDIATE loss of the erection, as the blood creating it is now flowing out of the tubes and into the outer layers of the penis and scrotum.

The blood then causes bruising of the penis and rather impressive swelling of the scrotum in some cases (grapefruit size or larger).

The penis will sometimes bleed a bit from the tip if the blood leaks into the urethra.

13

If you ever think you’ve broken your penis you HAVE to go to the ER. I know it may be embarrassing, but the ER docs have seen

Sexual Health & Education

Diagnosis is pretty easy but does require a trip to the ER.

and done it all and know how to handle this kind of thing gracefully. You’ll get either an ultrasound or an MRI of the penis to confirm the blood is leaking.

If the penis is indeed “broken", this needs emergency surgery to prevent complications with future erections. The surgical repair is done under general anesthesia - so you’re completely “out".

The surgeon will then stitch the tunica albuginea where it is torn.

Long term complications of a penile fracture include difficulty with erections, pain with erections, and a permanent bend in the penis when erect. Most of these are mild especially if it is taken care of immediately.

14

Lifestyle Advice

g n i d n a t s Under jealousy

LEA_ROSE

all of these terms are synonyms for one term: Jealousy.

What does it mean to be jealous? The Merriam-Webster

dictionary

defines

jealous as being “hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage.”

You

more

found

Now that we have defined what it

yourself on one end of a jealousy battle

means to be jealous and read through

at some point in your life. Perhaps you

some

were upset at work that your teammate

jealousy out of our lives and the LS?

who has been at the company for a

We can begin by discussing the root

lesser

causes of jealousy. Psychology Today

time

than

than

likely

you

have

received

a

examples,

do

we

keep

promotion. Maybe you purchased a new

includes

car and heard people whispering about

neuroticism,

you “showing off” when you drove it

others, and fear of abandonment as key

home for Thanksgiving. The truth is,

motivators. These feelings may often

jealousy comes in many shapes and

come from past experiences, ex: being

forms, at different times throughout

cheated on by your spouse may cause

our lives. It is found in romantic and

you

sexual relationships and can sometimes

partner’s best friend who spends a lot

lead to negative outcomes.

of time with your partner.

to

low

how

feel

self-esteem,

feeling

jealous

possessive

of

your

high of

new

15

Lifestyle Advice

A 2013 study led by Hasse Walum of the Karolinska Institute in Sweden set out to determine if there were gender differences when it came to romantic jealousy.

Participants were asked about the following two hypothetical scenarios:

Sexual jealousy

Emotional jealousy

"You suspect that while your boyfriend/girlfriend was on vacation s/he had a one-night stand. You realize that even if s/he did have sex with this other person,

""You suspect that while your boyfriend/girlfriend was on a trip s/he fell in love with someone else. You realize that even if s/he did develop these feelings, s/he

they will probably never see each other again. How upset do you think you would feel if this happened?’”

will probably never see this other person again. How upset do you think you would feel if this happened?’”

They were asked to answer the questions along a 10-point scale from 1 (not at all) to 10 (extremely).

The Team’s research discovered that men reported greater jealousy when it came to sexual infidelity, and women graded higher on jealousy for emotional infidelity.

This study helped provide evidence that men and women process infidelity and jealousy differently which is in line with previous studies showing the link between evolutionary behaviors of mating, such as monogamy, marriage, and separation with their correlation to jealous emotions.

16

If you have been in the LS or Kink community for a while you are all too familiar with the “C” word. The emphasis on communication is there, however, because it works! Taking time to discuss any feelings of jealousy, uneasiness, negativity, lack of selfconfidence, etc. will provide an opportunity to help determine the root cause of the emotion.

Jealousy is typically a symptom of other feelings. You may find yourself jealous of the time your partner is spending with another playmate. But is it that you are jealous or that you feel as though you are no longer the priority in your partner’s life? Being able to step back for a minute and reflect before approaching the topic with your partner can lead to a greater rate of success in getting past the underlying issues and the jealousy that is topping it off. It may also lead to a conversation about restructuring boundaries which are ever-evolving in the LS/Kink communities.

Lifestyle Advice

So now we know that men and women process certain feelings differently, how do we go about dealing with jealousy when it does show up?

Building and maintaining trust also helps with fighting off feelings of jealousy. If you or your partner(s) are finding jealousy to be an ongoing issue or something difficult to talk through with positive results, a licensed therapist may be a good option. They can help you discuss your root causes and improve the way you communicate.

However, how you choose to address and handle that emotion is up to you.

Love and respect yourself, your partners, and their partners and you may find that the green-eyed monster appears less and less in your life.

Continue to talk out your feelings and if you hit a roadblock, tag in a mental health professional. While there is room for plenty of exploration in alternative lifestyles, let’s give a little less room for jealousy.

17

Personal Care & Beauty

BY: BUSTYBLUEEYES420

HAIR EXTENSIONS BEING PULLED TO THE TEST

THROUGHOUT THE AGES, THE SEX APPEAL OF A WOMAN HAS GENERALLY ALWAYS BEEN TIED TO HAIR. FOR THAT REASON, WHETHER RIGHT OR NOT, LONG HAIR IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING MANY DESIRE. UNFORTUNATELY, MOST ARE UNWILLING OR TOO IMPATIENT TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GROW THOSE LONG HEALTHY LOCKS.

ENTER HAIR EXTENTIONS: There are many different types; clips ins, tape-ins, halos, wefts, and more! Hair extensions make a mile-long mane possible without the drawbacks of long hair care. Shorter hair we can live with. Longer hair is for showing off and showing out!

But which ones, if any, are best suited for those passionate hair-pulling sessions? There are many things to take into consideration when it comes to living your best hair dreams and having sexy time.

18

Personal Care & Beauty

Be Up Front About Wearing Them Yes, your new hair can withstand a spicy bedroom encounter but it doesn’t hurt to take precautions. With the popularity of hair extensions being so large, it’s not a taboo conversation to admit to opting for some added volume or length to your look with extensions. A simple heads up that there won’t be any aggressive yanking or pulling prior won’t do anything to kill the mood. Lighter tugs or soft grips close to the root when sporting sewn-in wefts, wires, or fusions would be safe in the heat of the moment.

Handy Dandy Hair Ties We all know that a woman putting her hair up is equivalent to a man flipping his cap backward on the hotness scale. It’s also a quick way to reduce tangling, matting, and knots while rolling around between the sheets. Be proactive and keep a hair tie or clip close by when potential play is known to be afoot.

Tossing those tantalizing tresses up will not only be hot as hell but also reduce sweat and give the ability for light pulls when wearing clip-in or tape-in extensions.

View From The Top Let’s face it- part of the reason you’re rocking extensions is to feel more attractive, heighten your confidence, and just feel sexy. What better way to celebrate your luscious locks by doing just that, than taking the dominant approach and jumping on top?! This will give you the most control over the situation and help you to avoid anything being too rough. Not to mention how hypnotizing you’ll be with your gorgeous hair bouncing around in all its glory.

It may seem silly to worry about your extensions during or before intimacy, yet it’s something to consider when trying to protect your hair overall. Unnecessary pulling can loosen the extension bonds and/or translate to damaging the natural hair your extensions are attached to. Of course, life happens, heated moments aren’t always expected, and there isn’t always time to search for a hair tie! Just take these few tips into account and remember that all extensions require maintenance. The better you take care of your extensions, the longer they will last.

19

Event Reviews

TOP 10

WITH JENNA RAE

BY: JENNA_RAE_313

10.

09.

08.

07.

06.

THE FOOD We continue to be impressed with the quality and cost of the food at secrets. It is awesome and super convenient to be able to order good food directly from them.

Although they have some bugs to work out with the number of people they are serving and the wait, the food definitely makes our top ten

THE ROOM KEY BRACELETS What a fun and convenient addition to Secrets. Wearing your room key made going back and forth from the pool to my personal watering hole much more enjoyable. Plus, it’s more manageable than keeping track of your room card key while wearing only swimsuits!

POOL SIDE SHOTS I cannot think of many things better than a dozen hot topless women with their mouths open like baby birds waiting for a shot. The extra off-the-body pour that a few lucky ones experienced was just icing on the cake, IYKYK.

MERCH A beautiful sea of pineapple hats and tiny pineapple bikinis became the norm by Saturday afternoon. The additions to Swinger Society Merch were a big hit or maybe it was the gorgeous women selling them. Either way, it’s unanimous. We liked it!

ADDING ON THURSDAY NIGHT This is our second Secrets takeover with the Swinger Society and we are so glad we opted to add Thursday night to our stay. The low-key and laid-back atmosphere, while everyone arrived, was perfect. We liked being able to talk to people, get to know the place, and get ready for the party that was to arrive Friday and Saturday. I had an amazing time dancing and requesting songs with a small group in the club Thursday night.

20

Event Reviews

05.

04.

03.

02.

01.

90'S NIGHT What a hit! Everyone’s favorite night! The outfits! The music! Amazing theme participation!

360 PHOTO BOOTH The videos of all you beautiful people speak for themselves. I am already planning what we will do with our bodies next time!

PARTY MARK Am I right? The energy and flow of the daytime pool party were marvelous. We loved the music. The games were entertaining, to say the least, and we all agree Party Mark is worth the trip alone.

THE NEW POOL Top of the list! The pool was amazing. The space, the seats, and the different levels made it even more enjoyable. As large as the pool was, we did an awesome job filling it up with bodies.

THE PEOPLE We all know the members that make up the Swinger Society are amazing people. We enjoyed meeting online friends face to face, catching up and seeing old friends again, and meeting some brand new people. You members and friends are the reason for a successful takeover at Secrets, you are the reason we will all be back again in September!

The freedom that Secrets allows for us to be ourselves is why this is such a popular event. The freedom to walk around uninhibited, to tip over chairs poolside with your partner, and to mingle in a safe space with like-minded people. We personally met new play partners that we are looking forward to a continued friendship with. We celebrated many server birthdays and enjoyed every minute we spent with friends.

Hats off to a great event and I look forward to seeing you all again soon.

21

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.

Culture

NOT REALLY SWINGERS, NOT REALLY POLY.

BY: EMPRESSABIGAIL

I believe that at some point in the lifestyle, a person will attempt to define their relationship with someone they swing with frequently. How we define them are on a basis of rapport and time. As a poly swinger, I am very used to the conversations that are the beginnings of defining relationships outside of just swinging. Friends with benefits are a type of relationship in the ethically non-monogamous spectrum. The friends-withbenefits relationship is one in which two people are physically intimate with one another, yet they're not committed to each other in any way. People involved in a friends-withbenefits relationship enjoy spending time together but there are no strings attached.

Some of them can be more emotional, however.

I decided to ask Nicole, one of our influencers, about her friends-with-benefits relationship to get more insight into this type of relationship.

S

o when did you first realize that you were more than just swinging with your friend with benefits?

Nicole: Before we even knew we wanted to go on our ENM journey, I always had a problem with blurring the line between friends and "more,” for as long as I can remember even into my teenage years. Once I started learning about ENM I learned the term Demi-Sexual and never felt anything made more sense. When we decided we wanted to explore sex with other people, sex with strangers never appealed to me. So we realized I needed the friendship aspect as well. I need the connection to feel truly sexually aroused.

22

Culture

How did that affect your relationship with your partner and your swinging at the time?

Nicole: Luckily we realized this early on. So there wasn't an adjustment period. But my husband had to face some of his jealousy issues when I did become close friends with some of them. But one day the light switched and he realized I am not trying to replace him. And it seemed everything settled into place. But this was a process that took a couple of years.

Did you have to have several discussions about it with everyone?

Nicole: Yes, absolutely. And with any potential partner we have talked to since. It is one of the first things I bring up with new people. Everyone has a preference. So I feel everyone should be open and honest upfront about their desires. And if it doesn't fit with what the potential partners want, that is fine. You can remain friends, or not.

But at least everyone is being true to what they want. I found out early on, I wasn't even sure what I wanted, so it was hard for me to be forthcoming with others about my desires. So I think being honest with yourself is the first step and sometimes the hardest.

How long did it take for you to define the relationship of friend with benefits?

Nicole: I think because my current friend with benefits was my friend for years before he earned the "benefits" part of that title, it was an easy transition of title.

What made you come to that conclusion?

Nicole: Coming to the friend-with-benefits conclusion was a no-brainer for us. Not only is he one of my best friends but also great friends with my husband. We can do the sexy stuff or we can watch football or talk about the kid's sports, and it is all effortless and natural. I think having that trust with a play partner only amplifies the attraction and passion in the play arena!

23

WRITTEN BY DR KILEY REYNOLDS

Lessons From a Life Coach

NAVIGATING THE LIFESTYLE SCENE WHILE PREGNANT

. . . it's been hard since I've been pregnant as we have had to adjust to what is comfortable and tolerable in my changing body.

My sex life is currently very different at the moment, as we count down the weeks until we welcome our first child.

With just 5 weeks left at the time of this writing, we are excited and also know just how many things have changed and will continue to change once the baby comes into the world.

Prior to the pregnancy, my partner and I were very involved in the swingers community; attending house parties, lifestyle resorts and clubs, and going on dates with couples we met online. In fact, our conception story was at a lifestyle club! I highly recommend this form of baby-making, especially when you have a whole group of people cheering you on while you and your husband are having sex. What a way to bring a human into this world!

Since conceiving- my partner and I have had to make some big changes to our social calendar, and to be honest, we did not know what adjustments to make initially since this is, and will most likely be our only child. Yet, staying present has allowed us to make some supportive decisions along the wayeven though they aren’t the most fun decisions at times.

During my first trimester, I was really sick- continually nauseated. So sex wasn’t necessarily a priority- but we still found ways for my partner and me to engage in sexual play with each other and consistently communicated what each other needed while having deeper empathy for what each of us was experiencing. Before I was pregnant, even with my partner and I traveling a lot each week, we were still having sex one to two times a week and I was masturbating too – but it’s been hard since I’ve been pregnant as we have had to adjust to what is comfortable and tolerable in my changing body.

24

Lessons From a Life Coach

Once we were out of the first trimester, I felt more excited to tap back into my sexuality, as it is commonly discussed and assumed that pregnant people get horny 06. during the second trimester.

Although my energy levels came back and my nausea left, I struggled mentally with the body changes I was experiencing, and it brought me face to face with some of my demons I thought I had healed long ago.

I can proudly say that I am 14 years recovered from a very serious eating disorder- where years of therapy, rehab, and mind-body resources have sustained me throughout my recovery. Yet even with my career being in holistic wellness- it still didn’t prevent the body image demons from creeping up in my brain during this new season of life.

Within beauty culture, which is so prevalent in this world, I’ve constantly been fed this lie by society to take up as little room as possible, so the demons that arose in the early period of the second trimester felt very strong and needed to be addressed before venturing out into the lifestyle scene again.

To support this mental/emotional journey, I sought support from my therapist and engaged in mind-body activities that brought me agency and joy (yoga, pole, erotic dance).

While engaging in such somatically supportive activities, my partner and I became more immersed in the lifestyle apps again- as we had held off from putting our attention towards them during the first couple months of the pregnancy due to fear of what others in the community may say and how that may impact my mental health.

Once we were out of the first trimester I felt more excited to tap back into my sexuality . . .

Well, entering back into “play mode” was definitely rocky- especially with new boundaries due to physical limitations- and navigating people’s perception of pregnancy was the biggest challenge that I did not anticipate.

25

Lessons From a Life Coach

Many of the conversations that were had on the dating apps were nonproductive and triggering to what I was currently experiencing in my own well-being. A few of the lifestyle folks we connected with felt judgmental- as the conversation centered around my pregnancy and how much weight I had gained. Let me be clear in that we were very communicative on the apps, letting folks know what stage of pregnancy I was in and also had current pictures of what I looked like- which to be honest was very freeing that I could take ownership of my pregnant belly- and honor myself as a sexual being. Even with this, some of the statements made online came from a lack of empathy, a lack of knowledge about a woman’s body, and a lack of communication skills.

With such heaviness centered around the apps, we again pivoted and decided to reach out to our local community and the swinger friends we had in the area for support- and they were so supportive and caringand welcomed us to events at our local club with a deep sense of openness and compassion. We realized the apps did not work for us while pregnant, and instead pivoted to going back and visiting clubs again- which felt appropriate to our own personal journey.

26

Now in the third trimester, our visits to 01. have slowed down- as I am tired, clubs and it takes a lot more effort to get dressed up, and hang around folks for long hours of the night. We go when we can, but also acknowledge that this experience is temporary- and it won’t be long until we are able to become involved in our lifestyle community again.

02.

With all of this being said, some of the feedback I have for any pregnant person going through these monumental shifts in body, mind, and emotion are: Celebrate your changing body- try on the lingerie or buy new sexy clothing that supports your perception of yourself.

Choose play that feels supportive for you in the moment- if resting is what you would like to engage in the entire pregnancy, go for it! If you are not wanting to take a break from the lifestyle scene, amazing! You do you!

02.

Look for ENM spaces that feel supportive- this may be clubs or appsbut it may take a moment to figure out what works for you.

Remember that you are a goddess and that you are bringing life into this world, and that in and of itself is a beautiful thing- own your power!

TO ALL INVOLVED WITH A PREGNANT PERSON IN ANY ENM DYNAMIC, PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

03.

Lessons From a Life Coach

I would put on my sexiest lingerie and let my belly hang out- and still pranced around in my 7-inch heels. The result?

A real ego boost….I felt sexy because everyone was wanting to touch my belly, congratulate, and admire me. It still was not to the same level of what we would previously experience at clubs- which is totally ok- but for me to be acknowledged as a sensual human, and be respected for my changing body, was a totally different experience than what I was perceiving on the apps. The attention we received at the clubs led to some playtime between my husband and I, through exhibition and voyeurism.

Communicate openly with all partners about the situation and their needs.

This may involve discussing boundaries and expectations.

Prioritize safety during sexual activity, particularly during pregnancy when there may be an increased risk of complications Pregnancy can be a stressful and emotional time, and it's important for all partners to provide support and understanding. Communication and empathy are key in maintaining any form of relationship during pregnancy.

My partner and I are excited for the journey ahead, and cannot wait to share the ups and downs of our lifestyle journey as we give birth, and then navigate what the lifestyle will look like with a newborn. Just like how we operated before conception- we take it one step at a time through momentby-moment awareness. Cheers to some shifts and pivots along the way, and to our ever-growing love and admiration for each other with so many new moments ahead with our newborn.

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Lifestyle Education

WE ARE SWINGERS. I hate that word. It has seedy connotations that make me think of rumors of "key parties" from the 70's. We use the term Consensually NonMonogamous or CNM. It means that if we so choose, my husband and I can have sexual relations with another person(s). We don't identify with any religion so we aren't governed by the religiously imposed laws that say marriage is A) only between a man and a woman and B) must be monogamous. In fact, marriage as an institution is, in my opinion, a failure.

If you split the U.S. by region, the Bible belt has the highest divorce rate, and this has been the case for over a decade. I was not surprised by that. I can walk into my kids' high school football game and watch the other parents interact or should I say "not" interact with each other. Yet religion has told them "til death do they part". To be honest, many of them look like their souls have been dead for years.

I was in their shoes. For almost 18 years I was in a marriage where neither of us were very happy. Don't get me wrong, there were happy times and we loved our kids, but we were roommates for years. I turned to religion for help because that's what you do in small-town Alabama. You pray it away.

Only for me, it didn't get better. It got worse and I got better at suppressing my wants, my needs, and my emotions.

Looking back, it would have served everyone better, including the kids, to have ended it sooner than later.

I'll dive into the religious aspect of this another time. I gave

By Jacob Walker you this backstory so that you can understand, or in many cases, misunderstand, where I'm coming from.

My hope is that the same people who are spreading rumors about us will continue to follow our blog, podcasts, Twitter and Instagram. How else can we educate them? And that's exactly what they need. Education. They have been misunderstanding people for so long that it has become an art. They gossip about things that scare them. A woman and a man in a consensually non-monogamous relationship scares the hell out of them. Anything outside of the white heterosexual norm challenges their belief system that they've been spoon-fed from birth. Religion and the purity/shame culture has conditioned them to believe anything outside of a marriage (most of the time a sexless marriage) is wrong. They don't even question why.

It all comes back to religion. Again, I'll save the deep dive into religion for another day. So, religion aside, let's talk about humanity.

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25

We started Naughty Gym because we love the people. We love the fitness world and we love the sex-positive world. It combines two of our favorite communities. What we have found in both of these communities is a core group of people who are the most kind, accepting, and loving humans we have ever met. These are the educated, the people who ask questions and are truly seeking answers.

HUMANITY IS THE QUALITY OR STATE OF confronted with something that they don't BEING KIND TO When understand, an educated person would do their due to research, go to the source, ask questions, and OTHER PEOPLE. diligence explore.

Lifestyle Education

According to Merriam-Webster:

We have found the opposite has happened in our small town. Where does the lack of humanity come from? It comes from misunderstanding or apathy. Very few people have come to us directly. That would be okay if they didn't care but it seems they care greatly. It has affected them in some way that I can't comprehend. Though if I get the chance I'll ask them.

We, on the other hand, are less affected. We are in love with our life. We love our kids, our family, and our jobs. We look forward to spending every single day together. Any outside conflict has made us stronger and closer. Our communication with each other is beautiful. And given the chance, we would happily sit down with anyone willing and answer questions.

Business Insider reports that "About one in five Americans have engaged in some sort of consensual non-monogamy, or CNM, in their lifetimes — it's about as common as owning a cat, researchers say."

I would say that judging by the amount of DMs I've received from locals, that this is true.

With real-world issues plaguing our world like half of the world's population lacking access to essential health services, natural disasters, spiking hunger rates, and a global pandemic, you would think someone's sexual proclivities wouldn't be news. Maybe it comes down to a lack of humanity or maybe they have perfected the art of misunderstanding.

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Lifestyle Education

The people we have met in the sex-positive world have been so genuine.

They are the ones that while my parents were in the hospital with Covid sent them cards. Even though they had never met them. They are the ones who after my parents passed sent flowers, cookies, and daily messages checking on me and my family. They are the ones who I still get random messages from checking in on me or asking if my son has picked a college yet, or how our dog was after a minor surgery.

They do this because they are the type of people who are focused on happiness and invested in others' happiness. They are compassionate, sympathetic, and generous with their love.

The day my step-father passed (5 days after my mother), my son had a football game. I pulled myself together and went to the game to support him. I was surrounded by people from my hometown who knew what had happened and only one person offered their condolences.

I don't point this out so you will feel sorry for me. I point this out to highlight the lack of humanity.

At what point do we disagree with someone's lifestyle so much that we forget that they are a human beings with real emotions and real feelings?

If you're in the sex-positive world and you feel the need to hide your life and your beliefs from your family, friends, and small-minded, small-town folks, take heart. You're not alone. The culture is slowly changing but it's going to take more education. We are not the first to be "outed" in such a malicious way. We know people who have had it far worse.

However, there are so many positive voices in the sex-positive community. Focus on those voices. Focus on spreading kindness and compassion and empathy. Focus on learning and growing and understanding.

There will always be people who won't understand. To me, it's clear that it's a willful act of misunderstanding.

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BY: POPPUNKPINEAPPLE

Sexual Health & Education

THE SWINGING SKEPTIC ON THE SCIENCE OF LUBE!

Jeff Foxworthy joked about Astroglide, “apparently you can put it on a Cadillac and get it in a doghouse.” The joke has a great hyperbolic line but most of us have used a lubricant of some sort at one point or another during our sexual journeys. If you’ve ever wondered why the stuff works the way it does, The Swinging Skeptic is here to nerd out with you and get answers. This article talks about the basics of lubrication (for bodies, not machinery), discusses health concerns related to lubrication, and offers some tips on how to buy the right lube for the job.

L

et’s first talk about some basics. The penis and vagina each produce lubricant.

The evolutionary reproductive value is that lubrication makes intercourse both easier to achieve and more pleasurable, leading to an increased likelihood of fertilization.

Male lubrication (pre-ejaculate, often called “precum”) is an excretion containing both chemicals that neutralize pH balances in the penis and vagina (helping sperm survive) and provide a clear, mucus-like lubricant.

The vagina produces some of its own lubrication through two “Bartholin Glands” at the entrance of the vagina, but most lubricating fluids come from vaginal tissue "sweating."

This happens during arousal and often during intercourse or continued sexual activity (note: we are not talking about female ejaculation or squirting here, those are separate processes and fluids).

There are various reasons a person or couple may seek to “help” their natural lubricants. Occasional vaginal dryness is common in most women, including healthy women. Women going through menopause often experience increased dryness. As vaginal tissues thin with age, the body produces fewer lubricating excretions in the vagina. Lube is also useful for sexual activity where very little lubrication is naturally available. A handjob can be greatly enhanced with the application of a lubricating substance. It must be noted that no part of the anus, colon, rectum, butt, ass, rear, etc. produces lubrication.

There are no magical butt-sex lube glands! Safe anal play absolutely requires artificial lubrication!

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The health benefits of proper lubrication are real. There is excellent scientific evidence that shows increased pleasure and frequency of sex and less frequent pain, dryness, and irritation when lubrication is used. There are three basic types of lubricants, categorized by their base substance.

Sexual Health & Education

The health benefits of proper lubrication are real. There is excellent scientific evidence that shows increased pleasure and frequency of sex and less frequent pain, dryness, and irritation when lubrication is used*. There are three basic types of lubricants, categorized by their base substance.

Silicone-based lubricants are strong choices for people with chronic or severe vaginal dryness as they are generally long-lasting. However, silicone lubes can be sticky, messy, and greasy. These are NOT to be used with silicone toys.

Oil-based lubes are a third option and are most easily thought of as products like oils from the kitchen.

These are usually edible, which can be fun, but they are also usually messy. Synthetic oil-based lubricants (like petroleum jelly – Vaseline) can irritate the vulva. These are NOT to be used with latex condoms**.

Y

*Kennedy et al, 2022. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8942543/ **https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326450

ou should always treat lubricant as a medication or a new skin product.

Allow for a small use at first to ensure that your bod(ies) tolerate the substance well. Make sure that you are not allergic to the substances in the lube. Once you feel reasonably safe, feel free to apply and reapply as needed.

When you are thinking about purchasing or using a new lubricant, consider the advice given above. There are a few additional concerns that you should watch out for. Note that edible lubricants often have substances that are friendly to the taste buds and the digestive system, but not as friendly to vaginal tissues.

Understand that lubes only work until the body absorbs the substances or until they are washed away. Lube will not solve chronic issues but can help make sex more pleasurable when used properly and frequently.

There are a bevy of brands available to the consumer. Standing in the “sex” part of the store can feel awkward. You are encouraged to do research at home and consider several sources. If you feel adventurous, feel free to purchase multiple styles in various brands and give them a try until you and your partner(s) have found ones that work best for you!

For now, I want to point you to the chart in the following link. This study of a huge variety of lubrications gives two important pieces of information: pH factor and osmolality. Osmolality basically measures how much moisture the substance pulls *out* of your tissues. This is bad, as you generally want tissues to be wellhydrated rather than dry or shriveled.

I WISH EVERYONE THE BEST IN YOUR SLIP The WHO recommends using a lubricant ‘N’ SLIDE with a pH of 4.5 and an osmolality below ADVENTURES! 1200 mOsm/kg. https://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/handle/10665/765 80/WHO_RHR_12.33_eng.pdf

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INTO BDSM? NEED MEDICAL CARE? If you practice bondage, dominance/submission, and/or S&M, you may have concerns about seeking medical care. Perhaps you fear discrimination, or spending too much time educating someone on BDSM when they should be focused solely on your health. How do you find a provider who will be sensitive to your sexuality?

And if you can’t, how do you deal with uninformed medical care providers?

Kink

FINDING KINK AWARE MEDICAL CARE WHERE TO START NCSF oversees a Kink Aware Professionals directory (KAP) on our ncsfreedom.org website where you can search for kink-aware professionals in your area. You may be able to find a doctor, physician’s assistant, nurse practitioner or clinic close to you. If you don’t, try calling the nearest listed professionals (even non-medical professionals) and ask if they can recommend someone local.

Ask for referrals from people in your local kink- related groups.

If you are comfortable asking publically, consider using social media to find a personal referral.

Ask people at your local LGBT resource center. An LGBTfriendly practice may be a good alternative if you are unable to find a kink-aware professional. Some cities have sexpositive organizations you might ask.

MORE INFORMATION For more information, Dr. Charles Moser provides free access to his book: Health Care Without Shame: A Handbook for the Sexually Diverse and Their Caregivers

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THE BIG ISSUES For BDSM practitioners, there are three issues that may complicate your medical care: If you have marks, bruises or scarring, a provider might be concerned they are the result of abuse versus consensual erotic play.

A provider might be predisposed to consider BDSM a manifestation of a mental disorder.

Due to ignorance or personal morality, a provider may consider BDSM immoral or disgusting.

Kink

PROTECT YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR RIGHTS

Remember, when someone responds negatively, they are likely reacting to a stereotype and such judgments are not really about you, but rather their own bias.

You deserve nonjudgmental medical care and should not have to censor your history or avoid an appointment. With a provider you see regularly, it’s best to bring up your sexuality early in your professional relationship, so that you set the foundation for a better mutual understanding of your future medical needs.

WHAT SHOULD YOU ASK A PROVIDER? Get as many referrals as possible. Call a few to set up an appointment. Make a list of questions to ask. Below are some suggestions; all may not apply to your situation, so adapt them as needed.

Are you familiar with alternative forms of sexual expression, and BDSM in particular?

Do you feel that people who engage in such activities present any challenges to you as a health care provider?

Do you consider your practice kink-friendly?

How many kinky clients have you knowingly worked with?

If I were to ask questions about health safety, medical risks of certain sexual activities, etc., would you feel comfortable discussing them without any sense of judgment or disapproval?

I enjoy rough sex and often have bruises or marks. I do not want you to misinterpret them as abuse or assault. Can you deal with that?

Do you understand that BDSM and related activities can be done consensually for fun and erotic satisfaction, and are not abusive activities?

Are you okay with patients who live within unique relationship configurations such as Master/slave, Dom/sub, polyamorous, and so on?

I often have questions about sexually transmitted infections and sexual health. Are you comfortable with those areas?

Is your practice LGBT friendly?

What do you charge? Do you accept insurance? Can you describe your practice style? What can I expect during a typical office visit?

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Kink

PLAN AHEAD FOR EMERGENCIES If your emergency situation is the result of BDSM play, or your body has marks from recent play, tell them right away that it’s the result of consensual erotic play that you enjoy and know how to do safely. Be honest, and they will likely understand.

Try to hide it, and they may automatically assume that there is abuse involved.

While having a primary health provider who is knowledgeable about your kink may not always prevent emergency personnel from alerting law enforcement, you can minimize the possibility.

Present the emergency staff with contact information for your doctor and/or therapist who can answer any pertinent questions. A calm and straightforward presentation is always best.

Be honest. Holding back vital information can lessen the quality of care. However, share the minimum necessary for the provider to fully understand the problem. Don’t go into extra details.

Don’t make up elaborate stories. If a provider is sensitive and has a clue, they will ask the right questions.

Don't risk your HEALTH

BY

WITHOLDING

VITAL INFORMATION 35

Kylie - SexySwingerChic

Culture

Confessions of a Sex Worker

*Disclaimer* this is not a story of kink shaming, actually it’s the opposite. I am so glad these men trusted me enough to be the person they asked to fulfill their fantasy.

As a sex worker, I think the general public doesn’t really understand what all my job entails. I’m a therapist, website designer, digital marketer, consultant, customer

service

agent,

friend,

fashion

stylist,

make-up

artist,

conversationalist, and fantasy fulfiller, with emphasis on the fantasy fulfiller part. Being a sex worker means you never know what kind of request you will get. In this edition of “Confessions of a Sex Worker” we are going to talk about the strangest, oddest, and weirdest requests I’ve ever received.

At 18 years old when I started in the sex work industry as a stripper/exotic dancer, I didn’t have very much life experience. At the time I had no idea what BDSM, or even kink was, so of course when men would come to me asking me to fulfill their BDSM requests I fell flat.

Being a sex worker means you never know what kind of request you will get.

36

Culture

O

ne of the biggest regrets of my life was when a man came into the club… He wasn’t a large man by any means, he also wasn’t very old but not young either.

He had salt and pepper hair, glasses and he kind of reminded me of an accountant or the manager of Target or something. He was just plainly average. We got to talking one day; he drank his Bud Light and of course I drank my sugar free red bull. He asked me if I was open minded to which I of course replied “yes.” He said, "No, I mean really open minded."

I shook my head and giggled and said, “Of course, silly.” He then leaned in closer and asked, “would you be willing to make a house call?” At this point I got a bit uncomfortable, but still continued to go along hoping the man would eventually buy a dance with me. He said “I’m not asking for sex, but I would like for you to do something out of the ordinary.”

I continued to listen without judgment, but truly, I had no idea what he was about to say.

He then asked me if I knew about degrading and humiliation. I told him I’ve heard of it but I didn’t have much experience with it. He then said he would pay me $1,000 to walk around in dominatrix boots covered in macaroni & cheese and dog feces, and make him lick it off my boots. When it came out of his mouth I was shocked, so shocked in fact, that I said, “you can’t be serious!” He said, “I’m as serious as a heart attack, young lady.” Mind you, at this point, I’m 18 years old, I just graduated high school, I have 0 life experience, and even less experience with grown men. Creeped out and a bit frightened, I declined his offer and said, “well I don’t think that I’m the right person for that job. Thank you for the offer but no thanks, but would you like a lap dance?” He declined my lap dance offer and left the club never to be seen by me again. I regret not dipping my toes into the dominatrix world back then, but in hindsight, I think I was protecting myself because you never know what people are capable of.

That was only the beginning of my strange and unusual requests as a sex worker.

37

Culture

I

got out of the sex work industry in 2010, and I didn’t return until 2020 to do online sex work. Back in 2020 online sex work like Onlyfans and Snapchat premium were pretty much like the Wild West. There were really no rules or regulations, not like there are today, and it was almost like anything goes. Men would always request things like “for me to dominate them and make them feel like sissy little cucks.” I quickly learned not to say or do anything without seeing my Cashapp filled by them because men on the internet will take advantage of young sex workers. I once got arequest to touch myself in a diaper (yes I bought Depends for this video), and moan a man’s name. He paid $100 for the video, which I thought was really good at the time.

I didn’t have much experience with it. He then said he would pay me $1,000 to walk around in dominatrix boots coveredThe one request that will always stick out to me is the “Slave Play” man. A man messaged me and asked if I could make him be my slave. I told him of course I could, I love domming sissy little men, and he said, “no I mean your real slave, like you are a plantation owner in the 1800’s in the South and I’m your slave.” I was very confused, and freaked out. Then I did a quick google search and yes this is a thing. This is a form of BDSM play and it’s called “Race Play”. “Race Play” or “racial play”—that is getting aroused by intentionally using racial epithets like the “n” word or racist scenarios like a slave auction. Race play is being enjoyed in the privacy of bedrooms and publicly at BDSM parties, and it’s far from just black and white. It also includes “playing out” Nazi interrogations of Jews or Latino-on-black racism, and the players can be of any racial background and paired up in a number of ways. White master seeking a black slave, however, seems the more popular of the combinations. After doing my research and realizing that this was in fact a real thing, I still declined the man’s offer and told him I was uncomfortable with it. He said he understood.

I think maybe if it were in person I could have been more comfortable but I was afraid it would come back to haunt me since all of the race play we would be doing would be in writing.

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Culture

A

fter I got back into dancing in 2022 is when I started to receive all the extreme requests from men. At this point in my sex work career I am well versed in kink, BDSM, and all of the weirdest combinations you can think of. For example, at a kink swingers party, I literally watched a man get a metal rod stuck up his penis hole, and then he got up smiling and happy (this is called sounding and is also a real thing: look it up). At this point I was unafraid of any request sent my way as long as everyone consents.

I love when men ask me to domme them, beat them and humiliate them, but to me that’s not weird or odd, that’s just a Tuesday night for me.

I once met a little person who wanted me to financially dominate him, or as we call it in the sex work industry, fin-dom him. This form of domming is all about the man getting aroused from surrendering power and allowing someone to invade your personal space like your finances. I took him into a room and made him feel embarrassed, and I humiliated him for 3 minutes, then took him to the ATM and hit him until he pulled out $500 as a tip.

He told me after the interaction it was the best experience he had ever had at a strip club and hugged me.

39

Culture

M

y last experience is pretty recent, and extremely unexpected if I’m honest. It was your average Saturday night, and I was walking around the club laughing and smiling like normal when I had a man approach me. He said, “would you like to take me for some lap dances?” I thought to myself, "Well, that was easy.” I said, “Come on baby, let's go.” I took him back to the lap dance area and when he asked if I was kinky, I said “of course I am, what were you thinking?” He asked to lick my armpits. In my mind I’m thinking, JACKPOT! I had been waiting since I started dancing for a man like this. He said, “Don’t even take off your clothes, just let me lick your armpits." He asked if they were “super sweaty”. I could barely contain my excitement. He then asked to smell my boots, sniff my butt, and pick my nose and eat it. Of course I told him yes to all. He was happy with the interaction and hugged me after and said anytime he’s in town he will come visit me and he thanked me for not kink shaming. I explained to him I wasn’t in the game of kink shaming, but I was in the business of fantasy fulfillment.

Sex work is a job where we fulfill fantasies and make men and women feel good. I fulfill fantasies daily from people who are seeking something different in their lives. It’s something that is very fulfilling for me personally and it brings me a lot of joy to bring others joy. Hopefully my true stories of the strange and unusual in the sex work industry can give you some insight into what I do.

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Polyamory

UNCONDITIONAL

POLY

By Terri Nelson RDN, FDN (@CheerMom)

My boyfriend and I were at a big fundraiser with a lot of well-known public figures. I can’t get specific because image is everything and I would hate to “out” people by accident, and being so close to an election, I need to be very careful.

About an hour into this gala, and a few drinks, people started opening up about their personal lives.

This always happens. Most people in our crowd already know about our Polyamorous union and it tends to move from politics to Poly in about 3.2 whiskeys. I wasn’t drinking so when this happened, I began asking questions myself. I wish I could say the names!

Everyone knows them and when I found out they were Poly, I

turned on my Interrogation skills. I have changed their names for anonymity.

Jay and Jen are both in their 40’s. They have a few adult children that left the nest within the past 5 years. They are wellknown actors, very wellrespected and devout Christians. Jen tells me that she and Jay have been in a kitchen table triad for 3 years now. I have known these 2 for 10 years and I had no clue. So here I am, staring into Jen's eyes, for what seems like an eternity, saying nothing and the last 10 years flash before my eyes.

A proverbial lightbulb goes on over my head, I smile and say one word…. Jessie.

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Jay and Jen had always had a somewhat open relationship. They were and still are deeply in love.

Jen and Jay believe they are true soulmates. But for most of their marriage, they seemed to be working in separate countries from each other.

Literally. And knowing they were together because of love and not sex, an open relationship made sense to them. Jen told me the story about how they met Jessie and I hung onto every word of it.

Jen was getting close to delivering her first child and they decided to hire a woman to help Jen out while Jay was across the country filming a movie.

After interviewing a few women, Jessie came in and it was an instant connection between all three of them. Jen said “Jessie was a Godsend. I felt like she was a sister or

Polyamory

I was always a bit jealous of Jay and Jen. They had the perfect marriage, perfect family, careers they love, and their joy was contagious. After their kids left home, Jay and Jen kind of receded into a very private life. When they did come out to functions, they weren’t the joyous, perfect couple we all knew, anymore. They were quiet and never stayed out very long. It was when they deleted their social media accounts that we all started to make assumptions. First thing that came to my mind was “empty nest syndrome”.

Others assumed marital problems. Some accused Jay of cheating. Many wallowed in the idea that Jay and Jen were just staying together for the kids and were just waiting for the divorce to hit the news. None of it was true.

best friend that I have known my whole life.” Jay said, “Jessie was a part of our family from the first day and we didn’t even know it”. It wasn’t until the day their daughter was born that all three of them realized how much more love and joy they felt than before Jessie came into the picture.

By this time, it was 10:30 pm and we were all back at Jay and Jen’s suite.

Thank God because Jay’s recount of that day was very emotional and it wasn’t long before my $120 makeup was running down my face. This is what he said…

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Our conversation went on till 2 am when we decided to part and get some sleep. We made plans for breakfast and shopping for the next day. That was Saturday. Sunday the guys went golfing and we girls went to the spa. The whole time, talking about and comparing our Polyamorous evolution stories. In just a few days, I went from being jealous of Jay and Jen to admiring their strength and love but also feeling overwhelming sadness at what they had to give up just to be with the woman they both love. Mark, my boyfriend, had to fly back home Sunday night but I stayed.

Polyamory

"The nurses and doctors just finished cleaning up the baby. Jen was holding her and asked if Jessie could come in. A couple of minutes later Jessie was sitting on the bed next to Jen holding “Suzy”. I knew at that point I couldn’t live without all three of my girls. I was having a hard time with the feelings I was having and Jen could tell there was something wrong. None of us had been romantically involved or anything. I mean, how could I be feeling this when my baby daughter was just born! I really felt like garbage but I put on a smile and cried while holding my daughter for the first time. It was the next day when Jen and I talked about it. We put everything on the table and it turned out that Jen loved Jessie as much as she loved me, and vice versa. Jessie has been with us ever since. She held all our children when they were born. She held them before I did and I will never regret it. I wish we could have one more baby just so I could see the women I love meeting our baby for the first time."

Jay and Jen are allowing me to write about their life. So here I sit, March 31, 2023, on a 6hour flight back home. This article is due today and is just a taste of the emotional and physical struggle of what it takes to love more than one person. Their stories of how they managed coming out to the in-laws, the holidays, the church turned their back on them, the kids had to change schools, so much heartache. Hopefully, their story will inspire you as much as it has inspired me and my little polycule. This story will continue next month.

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A

n alternative lifestyle means to me the freedom to express yourself. Selfexpression can come in so many forms and often it's looked at as taboo. Alt-life allows me to be surrounded by people

who understand and don't judge me for doing something outside of what's considered normal. For me, it's engaging in enm with other couples and singles. It's exploring kinks and stepping out of my comfort zone. The best part is having a partner who's open to it as well and seeing what open and honest communication has done for our relationship.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING AN ALT LIFE? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU TO IT?

M

y husband and I joined the lifestyle in November 2022 after discussing certain fantasies he had about me with other men. We've always been very open with each other when it came to discussing people we thought were attractive. We would often secretly watch others at bars or the beach and discuss which ones we'd want to take home with us. It was just a sexy game we played. Then one day I told him about getting hit on and groped by men at conferences I would attend and his reaction was not what I expected. We began opening up to each other about fantasies that we had never discussed in 15 years. He asked if I would be open to exploring it more and joining a swingers site. I was receptive, but shy at first and it took a while for me to really embrace all the "openness" that was shared. After attending our first event in January 2023 we un-intendedly dove head first in to everything swinging and haven't looked back since.

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Cover Feature

M

HOW WOULD DO YOU DEFINE YOUR ALT LIFE?

y alt life consists of swinging with my husband. We are a full swap couple and we enjoy exploring new territory. Our motto is "try everything twice". We've recently discovered BDSM and that's been a really fun experience learning what we like and don't like. I've learned a lot about myself in this journey. I realized that I have an attraction to both men and women and I was ready to explore that. I also learned that I'm very submissive and like some impact play. So it's hard to define at this point because we're still learning, but we're open to all kinds of new experiences.

WHAT IS ONE LESSON YOU HAVE LEARN ON YOUR ALT LIFE JOURNEY?

T

he biggest lesson I've learned is that communication with your partner is key to making an alt-life work. I've always had a hard time expressing my feelings or sharing my thoughts , even with my husband

Luckily, he knows when something is bothering me and will drag it out of me eventually. Sometimes it results in arguments and tears, but it's always for the best. After completely communicating with each other we both end up better in the end. We've learned something about ourselves and our relationship and we work through trust and jealously issues. Having that strong communication makes us better together.

I

I

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?

love all the foods!

Ummm...chicken tikka masala.

WHAT'S YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE?

don't feel guilty about anything.

Give me all the pleasures and I might share with you.

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Cover Feature

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE VANILLA ACTIVITY? WHY?

I

love to travel because it's exciting to visit new countries or cities and meet local people. I love to take in the culture and history of a place. I want to eat

all the local food from the small mom and pop places. I like to talk to locals and hear their recommendations for things to do, outside of the touristy places. I have a bucket list of countries still to visit.

WHAT IS ONE THING ON YOUR BUCKET LIST YOU HOPE TO DO THIS YEAR?

S

tart a blog.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN ON?

P

ersonality with a great smile. Make me laugh and I'm yours.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN OFF?

B

ad teeth and/or breath.

IS THERE ANYTHING ADDITIONAL YOU WOULD LIKE FOR THE ALT LIFE COMMUNITY TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?

I

'm actually super shy and afraid to approach people. I need you to come to me first. But once I'm comfortable

I'm an open book and get along with almost anyone.

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Swinger Society Staff Spotlights

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Why ALT Life?

WHY ALT LIFE? You may be wondering why we’ve decided to launch a magazine. That’s a fair question! If you’re familiar with us you know that we host one of the nation’s top podcasts on nonmonogamy and get millions of views m o n t h l y o n s o c i a l p l a t f o r m s li k e TikTok, Instagram, and Clapper.

So why add something else to our plate and start a digital magazine? The t r u t h i s , A L T L i f e M a g a z i n e is n ’ t a b o u t us. It’s about you and the community of people who have a message to share and need a platform to do it.

This magazine is for people who may n o t b e a b l e t o p u t t h e m s e lv e s o u t there publicly on social media due to f e a r o f j u d g m e n t a n d b a c k la s h . O v e r the last year and a half of our journey into becoming social media influencers for the a lt e r n a t i v e lifestyle community, the one thing that’s remained consistent is the community and the p e o p le that e n c o m p a s s i t . A l t e r n a t i v e li fe s t y le people are some of the kindest and m o s t g e n u i n e p e o p l e o n t h e p la n e t .

The world needs to hear your stories, t o g e t t o k n o w y o u , t o f a l l i n lo v e w i t h you like we have.

Our hope is that if they can see you for who you truly are, then perhaps the hate, the stigma, and the discrimination will come to an end.

We believe one of the best ways to do that is to do what we’ve pledged to do f r o m t h e b e g i n n i n g ; t o s h i n e a li t t le light on the community.

S o , w e ’ d l i k e t o e n c o u r a g e a ll o f y o u t o contribute, to share your stories, to be heard.

We want you to be able to show the w o r l d h o w t r u l y a m a z i n g a n d v a lu a b le this community is. We hope that one day we can all come out of the d a r k n e s s a n d n o t h a v e t o l i v e i n fe a r .

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MAGAZINE