The Marriage Preparation Course Manual

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This manual is designed to be used on The Marriage Preparation Course with the DVDs or live talks. See page 48 for more information on how to join or run a course.

Published in North America by Alpha North America, 2275 Half Day Road, Suite 185, Deerfield, IL 60015 © 2009 Alpha International, Holy Trinity Brompton, Brompton Road, London, SW7 1JA, UK The Marriage Preparation Course Guest Manual All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers.

First printed by Alpha North America in 2006 This revised edition 2010 Printed in the United States of America Illustrations by Katy Harvey Scripture in this publication is from the Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV), Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society, used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-1-934564-43-1 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Printing/Year 15 14 13

Contents

Session 1 – Communication 4 Session 2 – Commitment 10 Session 3 – Resolving Conflict 18 Session 4 – Keeping Love Alive 28 Session 5 – Shared Goals and Values 36 Appendices 44

Notes

Communication

The value of marriage preparation Knowing how to make a marriage work • m arriage is the most exciting and the most challenging adventure we can undertake • strong marriages don’t develop automatically • over 40% of marriages in the UK break down • best way to insure a marriage is to invest in it Learning the necessary skills • • • • • •

how to communicate effectively how to resolve conflict how to meet each other’s emotional needs how to build a friendship how to develop our sexual relationship how to determine roles

Becoming aware of the differences between us • different expectations • our upbringing • cultural differences

Learning to communicate Communication involves talking and listening effectively • p rocess of learning how to be good communicators

4 | Communicaion

Our communication is affected by: 1. Our personality • extrovert or introvert • logical or intuitive

Notes

Exercise

How We Communicate Tell your fiancé(e) how you think their personality impacts the way they communicate.

2. Our family background • s ome families air differences immediately/ others delay • some are quiet/others are much louder • some are more volatile/others are calmer • some take turns to talk/others frequently interrupt 3. Our circumstances • our job • children • pressures from outside and within our marriage Barriers to effective communication 1. Insufficient time • s et aside time for meaningful conversation on a regular basis • plan this time (it doesn’t just happen) • planned time prevents a backlog of noncommunication or mis-communication • recognize when to drop everything and listen

Communication | 5

Exercise

Family Styles of Communication Complete the following exercise on your own and then talk about it together.

Mark with an “x” where you think your own family comes on the line between the two extremes.

Overall the communication in my family was: Indirect Direct Vague Specific Relaxed Stressful Non-confrontational Confrontational Closed Open Loud Quiet Humorous Serious How has the way your family communicated when you were growing up affected the way you communicate now as an adult? How different is this to the way your fiancé(e)’s family communicates?

6 | Communicaion

2. Failing to talk about our feelings • d anger of communicating only about practical things or at the most superficial level • sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings is essential for a strong marriage • some people find talking about their feelings difficult because of inadequacy, vulnerability, or fear • dare to trust your fiancé(e) and start disclosing your feelings to him or her • listen to each other without judging or criticizing

Notes

Exercise

Effective Talking Ask your fiancé(e) how difficult or easy it is for them to talk about their inner thoughts, attitudes, and emotions. Find out if they were encouraged to talk about their feelings during their upbringing.

3. Holding on to hurt and resentment • t ell each other when and why you are feeling resentful • listen and try to understand • keep apologizing and forgiving 4. ­Failing to listen to each other • listening is costly • listening demands time and patience • recognize and overcome bad habits such as: – interrupting – going off on a tangent – giving advice • effective listening is something we can all learn and practice • put aside your own agenda and try to see the world through your fiancé(e)’s eyes • make the effort to understand your fiancé(e) when they think or feel differently

Communication | 7

Notes

“This means not just listening with your ears, but also more importantly, listening with your eyes and your heart, listening for feeling, for meaning.”

Stephen Covey The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Exercise

Effective Listening 1. A sk your fiancé(e) to tell you about something that is worrying them.

Listen carefully.

2. R eflect back what they have said, particularly about their feelings, to show that you have understood. If you did not understand, your fiancé(e) should tell you again.

3. Then ask, “What’s concerning you most about what you’ve told me?”

4. Again reflect back what they say.

5. T hen ask, “Is there anything you could do (or, if appropriate, you’d like me or us to do) about what you’ve just said?”

6. Again reflect back what they say.

7. Finally ask, “Is there anything else you would like to say?”

Then swap roles.

“The gift of being a good listener, a gift which requires constant practice is perhaps the most healing gift anyone could possess. It doesn’t judge or advise the other, but communicates support at a level deeper than words.”

Gerard Hughes

8 | Communicaion

homework session 1 Write down your answers to the following questions and then discuss them with your fiancĂŠ(e).

1. A re you a good listener?

On a rating of 1 to 10 score your ability as a listener: 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

6

7

8

9

10

2. How would you rate your fiancĂŠ(e)?

1

2

3

4

5

3. When have you had the best conversations about your deepest thoughts and emotions? Which times and places are most conducive to good communication?

4. W hat have been the worst times and places for communicating effectively?

Can you work out why?

5. C omplete the following: I find it easier to be open and vulnerable with you when you . . .

This exercise is adapted from Looking up the Aisle? by Dave and Joyce Ames (Mission to Marriage, 1994)

Communication | 9

themarriagepreparationcourse The Marriage Preparation Course is a series of five sessions designed to help you develop strong foundations for a lasting marriage, covering: > > > > >

Expressing feelings and learning to listen The importance of commitment Resolving conflict Keeping love alive and developing a fulfilling sexual relationship Talking about goals and values

“The course was invaluable to us as a couple. We thought we knew everything there was to know about each other but we learned so much and benefited from it enormously.”

– An engaged couple

NICKY & SILA LEE have been married for over thirty years and have four children. They are on the staff at Holy Trinity Brompton church, London, UK. They have spoken to thousands on the subject of marriage and family life, co-authored The Marriage Book and The Parenting Book, and created The Parenting Children Course, The Parenting Teenagers Course, The Marriage and Marriage Preparation Courses.

RELIGION / Christian Life / Love & Marriage

Relationship Central

ISBN ISBN:978-1-934564-43-1 978-1934564431

www.alphausa.org/relationshipcentral www.relationshipcentral.ca

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A ministry of Alpha International © Alpha International 2010

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