What Drives Imposter Syndrome?

Polaris Counseling & Consulting Owners Jennifer Weaver-Breitenbecher, LMHC, CRC and Dr. Daryl Appleton, LMHC, ED.D. help identify facts, feelings and the driving forces that influence imposter syndrome.

Q: What is imposter syndrome? Just so everyone's on the same page here.

Daryl: When we're talking about at the depths of imposter syndrome, it's when someone feels like somebody's going to walk into my office one day, kick the door down, find out that I am a complete and utter fraud at what I did, or what I'm doing in my job and drag me out of here because they know I'm not capable of it… What if they find out I have no idea what I'm doing? It's this insecurity we all foster in us, especially for a new job or we just get promoted to a leadership position if we're out of our comfort zone. The statistic that we gave at Academy was over 75% of women specifically feel feelings of imposter syndrome, especially in positions of leadership.

Q: What’s teaching us to have these expectations that are kind of toxic to ourselves?

Jen: I think we've seen an increase in sort of the era of social media, right? I think there's this constant comparison, this constant drive to be better. There's this term "boss babes," this idea that we're all supposed to take over the world. Women are socialized to compete. We are socialized to not cheer each other on. We are socialized to do better than, to be ahead of. Not only is there this social media component, we're in constant competition, and live in fear that someone's going to figure you out. The reality is there's probably not much to figure out, but we all live with that fear.

Daryl: Jen, I completely agree. I think you're 100% right. If you wanted to dive a little bit more… You can look at some of Carol Dweck's work in Mindset.

Q: We talked about the competitiveness and the comparing yourself to others, but why does it seem so many women compared to men?

Jen: Men are, not all the time, but traditionally socialized to feel okay putting themselves first, to feel okay talking about their accomplishments, to feel okay accepting accolades without making a justification for it. Women are often socialized to make a justification when given a compliment. So, I think we're certainly not suggesting that men don't experience this. We see this in therapy all the time. I think we are seeing that women are being raised to not put themselves in those positions where they're allowed to feel good about those things.

Daryl: I think it's also infiltrated into the workplace. And I think we cannot have this conversation without talking about implicit bias, or fixing bias and not just fixing women or fixing people with imposter syndrome. I think what Jen is saying absolutely trickles into a culture of sometimes people treating other people differently based on what they think they're capable of. But sometimes, like if we interpret this as I'm being treated differently, we get defensive, or our guards come up or we start to self doubt. So, it's still our responsibility, even though we're feeling these feelings, to take ownership of them and do something about them, regardless of the bias, even though it is very present.

Q: We experience imposter syndrome differently. It's not just like one blanket experience. Can you tell me a little bit about the different ways we tend to see this play out in our lives?

Daryl: There are different types of imposter syndrome, and beyond that, more imposter syndrome defenses. We found that there was the perfectionist, which is fairly self-explanatory; the superhero, who feels like they need to kind of step in and do it all; the expert that needs to know it all, that one needs to acquire knowledge because they don't want to ever feel like they don't know something; and then the soloist of isolating and working on themselves, working by themselves makes them feel a little bit better, because the team makes them feel a little bit uncomfortable. But we did see that these defense mechanisms do have different characteristics and we talked a lot about how to have a new narrative around each which was really cool for Jen and I to put together. So, I think it's important to know it looks different to different people as well.

Jen: And I think seeing it along more of a spectrum can help normalize that. I think it's interesting because people will reach out to us and say, I'm feeling this way or I'm feeling that way. And sometimes I'll follow that up with, “That sounds like you're experiencing imposter syndrome.” And they'll say, “Well, no,” but actually what they're doing is defining one of these types that maybe they weren't aware of. As Daryl said, it can look very different. If you look at the immediate definition of imposter syndrome, if you were to Google it, sure, maybe that doesn't sound like me, but that doesn't mean I'm not experiencing it in a different way.

Daryl: And I love what you said about the labeling piece. It's important for us to label our feelings because if we don't label them, they just are things we're experiencing. So, in order to understand anxiety, first we need to label it as anxiety and not frustration or not embarrassment because then we can do something about it. So while labeling feels really awful and terrible, I think psychologically, it's important for us to name our feelings so that we can navigate them and imposter syndrome is no different.

Jen: I think labeling has gotten a bad rap, right? Labeling our emotions like Daryl just said helps us understand them. In order to move forward from anything we first need to understand it.

Q: What are some techniques that people should be aware of or look at pursuing if they say, "Oh, I'm like really identifying with this. I'm really feeling this imposter syndrome." What do they do when there's no guide book here?

Jen: I am a huge proponent of feelings are not facts. What are the facts? For example: this woman I was speaking to yesterday happened to mention her age. She's in her early 20s, and she said, “The women I work with are older.” And I said, “Right, but did you lie about your age at your interview?” And she said no. And I said, “Right. Someone hired you knowing your age, your experience, what you bring to the table.”

So, a fact is that someone believed you could take on the position enough to put you in that position. Another fact is, what's your employee evaluation look like? Are you getting negative feedback from your supervisor? Or are you just saying I'm not getting positive feedback, so I assume they don't like me… Maybe they don't like you. But we also don't know that. So, I think feelings versus facts can be a huge tool for talking about imposter syndrome.

Daryl: I agree… I love the facts versus feelings, and Jen uses it all the time; and I steal it and I use it as well. I think the other thing to potentially look at or have as a tool is understanding and recognizing the narrative. I'm a big believer in the stories we tell ourselves matter. But you have this bus in your head, and it's filled with all of your personalities. And this is like your inner child. This is like your boss babe. This is your imposter syndrome chick, and here is your doomsday prepper. Like all of them, they’re there. One person drives at a time. If you can identify who is driving, you're more likely and you're better able to switch it out with a more capable driver for the route ahead. That to me is recognizing the narrative and reframing the story. Asking yourself, which part of me is talking right now?

Jen: Well, it's funny because that kind of goes back to labels, right? This idea that you can label who is currently driving your bus, right? If you have a child driving your bus, the ride is not going to be smooth. We know that. So I love that analogy because I think sometimes when we say to patients like, “Listen, that's your inner child speaking, I need you to tell them to shut up real quick and I need you to use your more confident college self, the version of you that thought you were immortal. I need that woman to speak right now.” And people can tap into that right? Even if they're not feeling that way. They can sort of go back to that memory of that time.

Daryl: I also think too there's something to be said about love languages, right? There are love languages in the workplace as well. And words of affirmation is a very real love language in romantic relationships. It's a very real love language in professional relationships. Obviously, they're slightly different. But you should also know what makes you feel good. And again, it does not mean everyone needs to acquiesce and bend to your will and give you what you need. But it is understanding like, oh! I do really well when I get positive feedback or when I get feedback. And to Jen's point, that's a conversation to have with your manager. But it's incredibly empowering to ask ourselves like, "What do I need, and how do I get what I need in a way that is healthy and professional, and not toxic?"

Jen: We talk about this in therapy a lot —this concept of how dangerous mind reading is, expecting people around us to read our minds. Unless you truly are part of a coven in which people can actually read your thoughts, you're potentially setting yourself up for this massive disappointment. Yes, by coincidence, will some people meet your needs and figure it out? Sure. Statistically, that's not going to happen all that often. So, I think Daryl is right. We need to ask ourselves, what do I need? And how do I achieve that? How do I get that in the workplace? And, you know, if it's a realistic ask, you can absolutely bring that to your supervisor. If it's an unrealistic ask, how can you get that need met in a way that doesn't come from your supervisor per se?

Q: It's not just always getting the help, or it's not just the stories you're always telling yourself. You have to look at the external factors, and what are the facts, like you're saying, versus the feeling.

Jen: Right, and you can apply that to anything we've talked about.

Daryl: I would argue that imposter syndrome is so much more complex, and it's got so many different layers to it. If you're out there truly feeling this, unpack it with somebody who is qualified first.

Daryl Appleton, Gamma Zeta–University of Memphis and Jennifer Weaver, Theta Nu–Virginia Commonwealth University were initiated at this year's International Convention. You can listen to this full recording at alphagammadelta.org/podcast, or access additional Impact Talks and mental health resources online by logging into Acorn.