I don’t Know My Own View

WRITTEN BY QUAYE MEADOW NEGRO DESIGNER SOPHIE SARGEANT

I have consistently struggled to know myself as an individual and it has only been in the last few years that I have begun to understand why that is. I was raised in a patriarchal family structure and the world we live in fully embodies that. My life is literally defined by how men perceive me, meaning that my own perception of myself is tainted. Women have consistently been depicted and perceived by men in a singular light. As young girls, we are conditioned to value certain parts of ourselves, whether that be our beauty, our soft-spoken behavior, or our palpable personalities. These attributes were enforced through certain phrases. For instance, I was always told that I was “too much” in the way I spoke, in the way I dressed, and in the way I carried myself. I was so free of the pressures of society until other people decided to push those limitations on me. Public shaming, humiliation, and guilt are just a few of our culture’s tools to make women into what the patriarchy wants: a perfect and amiable wife, mother, and sex object. But I never really realized how far away I was from my own self until I asked myself a specific question: who am I when I erase everything I have done for the men in my life? My answer was simply, “I don’t know.” That lack of recognition of myself was heartbreaking. I claimed to be an independent woman, but I never even knew myself as a grown woman, and neither do most women.

It is the feeling of not knowing myself that makes me question what I want--what I really want--from life. I recognize my eagerness for male attention, but I cannot decipher why that is. Do I truly want men to like me? Or am I just conditioned to base my entire self-worth on male approval? I have even noticed my own internalized male gaze when I am alone at home. I feel a need to be performative in how I dress, act, and communicate as if I am putting on a show. In fact, most of my life I have been putting on a show. I act like a different person for my father, for my brothers, for my male peers, and for the men I have been both romantic and sexual with. The patriarchy, which is a system upheld by those men, has become so deeply embedded within every aspect of my life that I don’t even know what I like. It has only been in the past two years that I was able to recognize my queer identity, but I still carry so much doubt, hesitation, and internalized homophobia solely because I still feel the need to make men like me. Knowing that I act for the men in my life, I have even begun to question my performative femininity. Do I enjoy stereotypical feminine things because I actually like them, or am I just feeding into the stereotypes of women being only feminine? On the other hand, is a rejection of feminine things authentic, or is it just me wanting to be the cool girl? Either way, I feel like I am betraying my womanhood and giving into what men have told me being a woman means when I explore both options.

Through a constant examination of myself and my selfexpression, I have finally begun to see myself. I do not need to feel guilty for being “too much” or for conveying my femininity, masculinity, and androgyny. Instead, I have decided to actively combat my internalized male gaze. The most prevalent way I have been able to do that is through no longer explaining or justifying myself and my actions, especially to men. I have always felt this pressure to prove why my existence matters, especially to the patriarchal system. But, with time I have begun to realize that I do not have to prove my worth to anyone except myself. Men do not get to determine whether I am pretty or interesting enough to stick around and to be honest, I won’t give them that power anymore. I know I am enough. I know I am worthwhile. I know I am worthy of love, especially from myself. But, I think it is also important to not dismiss those feelings of inadequacy. Figuring out why you feel unimportant or confused about who you are is not due to a lack of self, but rather, it is due to a rejection of self which is encouraged by the male-centered culture we exist within. I am not to blame, but they are.

feminine?

ART DIRECTED & PHOTOGRAPHED BY ATHENA NGUYEN MODEL SAYLOREN WIECHE

too much?