One Good Thing, and the Pattern of Life

By: Emily Jarvis, Adult Resource Alliance

Listening to a speech recently, I was introduced to the theory of fractals and fractal geometry. I like the definition found on fractalfoundation.org: “A fractal is a never-ending pattern. Fractals are infinitely complex patterns that are self-similar across different scales. They are created by repeating a simple process over and over in an ongoing feedback loop.” In other words, if you look at something as a whole, it is made up of many smaller parts which are identical to the whole. A tree is a common example of a fractal, because a tree is made up of smaller parts (twigs and branches) which resemble the shape of a tree in its entirety.

Upon learning this, I immediately began to see how applicable this theory is to life. The sum of our life is made up of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. But more than the passing of time, life is an accumulation of experiences. The small parts make up the bigger whole. They are not separate, but rather interconnected, over time intricately weaving together the shape of our entire existence.

I also began to see how small habits, practiced over time, collect into the depth of life, no doubt affecting how we perceive the quality of our lives. A life defined by joy, peace, fulfillment and contentment likely consists of daily habits that allow it to be so. The same is probably true for a life characterized by stress and chaos. This is not to say that we are in complete control of the circumstances of our lives, but I do believe we have the ability to choose how we ultimately define those circumstances. Thus, it is not what is out of our control that will produce the overall definition of our life, but rather the things that are within our control.

Of course, my mind has turned to the significant life experience of caregiving. In fact, over the past six weeks I’ve had the opportunity to attend a virtual caregiving class series. In choosing words to describe their caregiving experience, “stressful” and “overwhelming” were some of the most common answers given by caregivers, and understandably so. What these caregivers taught me, along with the class facilitators, was the importance of adding one good thing. One good thing, one good habit, can become a fractal, a pattern that contributes to the overall quality of the journey of life.

WHAT ARE THE GOOD THINGS?

In this caregiving series, we were challenged every week to implement an action plan. It was actually quite simple: every week choose one thing you’d like to do for yourself. Plan when you’re going to do it, make sure it is realistic (attainable), and give yourself a confidence score (i.e. how confident you are in your ability to complete it). Many of us in the class found ourselves creating action plans for very simple things: read a book for 20 minutes three nights this week, or go for a 10 minute walk at least twice. Sometimes it was choosing to call a friend to reconnect, or spending time singing in the car on the way to and from work. There were no restrictions. I began to call these things “the good things.” We were essentially striving to add one good thing in the midst of all the hard, stressful things. In turn, the way we saw the hard things began to shift. It didn’t take them away or make them any easier, but it somehow made them more bearable. I realized that as things became more bearable, the way in which we defined them also changed, always for the better.

I also realized that it was the consistency of adding one good thing, and being faithful (as much as possible) to completing the goal that really made the difference. Like fractal geometry, repeating patterns are what make up the whole. The more we take time for the good things, the more our lives begin to take on the same appearance, even despite the inevitable challenges.

As a caregiver, what is one good thing you can do that will add some encouragement to your journey? I encourage you to take the time to set an action plan, be faithful, and be mindful of how you feel as you consistently follow through.

Social Support Is Also Key

Don’t forget to reach out. Life’s rewarding moments are usually not experienced alone. I can look back at the difficult times in my life thus far and find meaning because others walked the road with me. Caregiving is no different – it is a life-changing journey, and is not meant to be navigated alone. Find a friend who will complete an action plan with you, or who will help keep you accountable.

Find a support group (we’d love for you to join ours at the Alliance). Allow yourself one hour per month to simply see for your yourself that you are not alone. If that’s the only thing you get from attending, then that will be enough. Consistent isolation will consistently breed feelings of loneliness and depression – two very common emotions experienced by caregivers. Being open to new experiences such as this will create space for illumination and growth.

DEDICATION, DESPITE DISTRACTION

While learning to add the good things, remember that there will continue to be endless distractions. There will always be a reason to set aside the good things until another time, but pay close attention. Be dedicated, and when you get off track, find your way back. It seems to me that we don’t accidentally create a meaningful life. A meaningful life is intentionally pursued, every single day.

Author Michael Crichton said it best: “And that’s how things are. A day is like a whole life. You start out doing one thing, but end up doing something else, plan to run an errand, but never get there… And at the end of your life, your whole existence has the same haphazard quality, too. Your whole life has the same shape as a single day.”

In other words, the pattern of our days creates the pattern of our lives. When you look back on your life and your experiences, what will be the pattern you see? None of us will execute life with absolute perfection (nor are we meant to), but we are more likely to find the good when we choose to add it.