On Dit Issue 80.4

ON DIT 80.4

contents.

featured contributors

3

letters

4

wild horse

5

vox pop

6

president(s)

8

student politics

10

accountability

12

care factor

13

looking foward: student media

14

looking back: students in the fringe

16

long distance relationships

20

a cynic’s guide to politics

22

deadly foodstuffs

24

pets in the bedroom

26

self-diagnosis

30

the hunger games

34

creative

36

how to: relive your school experience

38

open letter: hub central

40

stuff you like

42

columns

44

diversions

46

retrospective

48

Editors: Galen Cuthbertson, Seb Tonkin & Emma Jones Cover artwork by Vela Noble.

On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union Published 3/04/2012 Visit ondit.com.au, or hit us up on facebook.com/onditmagazine. Go on. You know you want to.

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(miscellany)

It’s midnight on the dot. I’ve been trying to come up with an opening line for this editorial since 3pm and all I’ve come up with so far is ‘I wish Robert Downey Jr. would go Downey Jr. on me’, heavy on the innuendo.

It’s not a great start but Galen told me to go with it.1

‘printing’ phenomenon. But it’s not just me finding my feet this semester. This issue, On Dit has a chat with four Adelaide students who took part in the Fringe this year as artists, and how a career as a creature of the night is working out for them (hint: it’s difficult).

Four issues in and we’re starting to find our feet. I think. Touch wood. Is this desk made of wood? I’m touching it anyway. We have learnt things. We use designer-y phrases now like ‘snap to the grid’ which I thought had something to do with gridiron but I guess that’s proof that I know even less about gridiron than I did about Adobe five months ago or something.

Forgive me my ranting tone. It’s midnight, like I said, and I’ve just set sail on the caffeine high that will hopefully carry me forth until 7am when we put this bitch to bed (read: send this issue to the printers).

We also speak with one of the editors of media fledgling Spur magazine, an On Dit alternative in the tradition started by the now-defunct Varsity Ragge in 1932. What does the presence of Spur on campus mean for On Dit and other union-funded media?

Finding your feet isn’t easy. For some of you, returning to uni after the mid-semester break to nowfamiliar faces and buildings and pastel cover sheets of doom on Napier level 7 might feel like you’re finding yours. Others, like myself, are in their fifth year and still can’t figure out how to print (what is follow me printing anyway?).

Luckily, I have two dapper/very patronising co-eds to help me out with such things as this new-fangled 1 Robert, if you’re reading this, I was being totally serious and I’m a big fan of the Rugged Intellectual look you’ve got going on so please email me or something we can make this work.

This issue is (or, as I write, will be) full of the mindfruits of Adelaide Uni’s creative types. Feast your eyes on poetry and art (srsly that cover is great). Catch up on the latest internal student politics or, if that doesn’t float your boat, flick past it and onto cyberchondria and death foods and The Hunger Games and bear traps and your school days. And give our awkward sexy crossword a go. We cringed making it for you.

As always, don’t hesitate to give us a shout if you’ve got something to say about what you read, or if you want to send us some work of your own. Hit us up on our Facebook page, or email us at ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

Love, Em (and Galen and Seb)

featured contributors Max Cooper

Vela Noble

Lillian Katsapis

(get some pussy, p 26-29)

(cover and inside covers)

Max transferred from Los Angeles.

This school has no gymnastics team. This is a last resort.

Vela Noble. Sketch-o-holic. She is taking a few courses in the Bachelor of Arts program in preparation for crossing the Pacific to study animation at the California Institute of the Arts this September. Vela enjoys drawing fellow commuters and students on the Adelaide Metro and beyond. You can see more of her work at blog.velanoble.com.

(illustrations: delicious but deadly, p 24-25) Lilli is a second year Architecture student and is always complaining about how she should have a degree by now. You can often find her drawing in lectures, in tutorials and at home. It is pretty much all she does with her spare time. She also works in a bar and will one day end up rich and famous. She hasn’t decided how this will happen yet, but it will.

The On Dit editors would like to thank the following compadres for their help with Issue 4...

Sam, Max and Molly for distribution. Steph Walker for popping nerdy voxes. Nick, Gen, Ali and Annie for being studenty Fringey types and interviewees. Farrago Magazine for the ‘design tips’. Seb for getting rid of the spider.

The spider for departing graciously.

Issue 3 Correction: The subtitle to Sam Prendergast’s article ‘Weighing In’, which was added by us in final editing, suggests that anorexia is something one can either submit to or fight. This in no way reflects Sam’s own opinion, and we apologise. Anorexia is an illness. It is overcome with a great amount of support, time, and resources. Those who currently suffer from eating disorders have not ‘submitted’. By the same token, Sam does not consider her eating-disorder-free state a consequence of her decision to ‘fight’. Mostly she considers it a result of good fortune and wishes any one currently suffering from an eating disorder that same good fortune.

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(miscellany)

correspondence Dear editors,

it into academic programs of real coherence.

Firstly, your magazine looks fantastic and I commend the quality of your design and writing!

I was moved to comment on Fletcher O’Leary’s polemic that opened issue 1. While Fletcher is correct to point to a narrow area of specialisation within the History discipline—and indeed I would argue that this is a problem that also permeates other disciplines within the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences—I believe he is wrong to assign blame to teaching staff and the presence of some ‘old Adelaide’ mentality. Though it is an easy and tempting conclusion to reach, we must instead look to the realities of the state of the Faculty and the University itself.

No matter the creative practices employed by the University of Adelaide to persuade us otherwise (top 1% globally, etc.), our University is a relatively minor player at home and abroad. According to the 2011-2012 Higher Education World University Rankings, the University of Adelaide ranks 8th in the country, narrowly above that shining light of tertiary education, The University of Wollongong.

This national ranking corresponds to an estimated global rank of between 201 and 225. All of which says to me that, although our University administers some fabulous teaching and research, it’s in no immediate danger of being labelled world-class.

As an addendum to this, it is fairly well-known that our University’s primary research strengths lie in the natural sciences, with the humanities lagging some way behind. Thus it seems clear: to employ economic jargon, the University of Adelaide is a price taker rather than a price maker. It lacks the truly worldclass reputation—and financial wherewithal—to set its own epistemological agenda, at least in the History discipline. It pieces together what it can and fashions

To this I add my own observations. Without revealing too much, the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences is at a very interesting point in its own history and is grappling with the question of how to best articulate its identity. The diversity of its teaching and research interests makes this a difficult question to ponder—unlike other Faculties, ours cannot dangle the carrot of a distinct career outcome in front of prospective students’ faces. The present reality is that, given these restraints I have mentioned, finding the time and resources necessary to sit down and address the question of ‘what are we about’ is, to most staff, a sideshow.

The History discipline is actually in fairly rude health. Though its staff numbers continue their steady decline—anecdotally I hear there is about a third as many academics as 25 years ago—it has accepted a record number of PhD students for 2012. Its teaching spans a diverse array of cultures and interests and in reality the gaps Fletcher points to are mostly addressed by the Asian Studies discipline anyway.

Perhaps if resources were not an issue then I would accept Fletcher’s central argument; that the eurocentricity of the History discipline is some indulgence or relic of a bygone era when Australia’s relationship with Asia was less important. Instead it seems as though he has fallen foul of the conundrum of ‘what ought to be’ versus ‘what is’.

Sincerely, Mateo Szlapek-Sewillo

ANSWERS

(see page 47)

Down 2. Genitals 3. Willy 4. Wet 42. Erection 43. Pornography 44. Hymen 45. Skype

5. Diaphragm 6. Vulva 8. Hot beef injection 10. Erotica 11. Fellatio 12. Foreskin 13. Kama Sutra 15. Queef 18. Cunnilingus 20. Masturbation 21. G-spot

24. Climax 27. Oedipus 28. Heavy petting 31. Ejaculation 32. Noodz 33. Secretion 34. Puberty 35. Flaccid 39. Breasts 40. Condom 43. Pussy

(miscellany)

in which a reader responds to fletcher o’leary’s history article in ON DIT issue 1.

23. Intercourse 25. Labia 26. Chatroulette 29. Premature 30. Ambisexterous (it’s on urbandictionary. com, so it’s totally legit) 36. Discharge 37. Clit 38. Lube 41. Virginity

4

Across 1. Jizzrag 3. Womb 7. Fetish 9. Fingering 12. Foreplay 14. Squirt 16. Warts 17. Beef curtains 19. Orgasm 22. Groan

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wildhorsecomic.com

wild horse

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(miscellany)

5

VOX POP

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(off-campus)

Mitch,

Nick,

Cat,

Dressed as Goku, Dragon Ball Z Works at Dick Smith

Dressed as Mulder Chemist

Dressed as Scully Studying Masters in Journalism

1.

1.

1.

2.

Best part: seeing Sean Schemmel (voices the adult version of Goku).

Worst part: the lines!

2. Kill: Chewbacca (he’s too loud) Marry: C3PO (just to hear the arguments) Shag: Yoda (as I didn’t think ahead).

3. Soy Sauce would go with Coke and bourbon.

4. Geeks just watch; nerds look into the theory, the math, the science that surrounds their favourite shows/comics.

5. Celebrity narration goes to Ashton Kutcher, because he parties hard and does good impressions.

6. Being able to receive fast food with extras or minus a few things without having to wait.

Best part: the costumes.

Worst part: the lines, the crowd, the disproportion of space to actual events/stalls.

2. Kill: Chewbacca Marry: Yoda Shag: C3PO (it would be interesting to have to shag a robot).

3. Bitters, 1.5 shots of bourbon, 1/4 shot vermouth, dash of lemon.

4. Nerds have a wide variety of interests, geeks have minimal interests.

5. Billy West (famed voice actor of Futurama who does the voice of Fry, the Professor, Zoidberg and Zapp Brannigan and the head of Richard Nixon).

6. A free car park wherever I go!

(Same as Nick) Kill: C3PO Marry: Yoda Shag: Chewbacca.

3. Nothing but gin!

4. Geeks and nerds carry a potential difference regarding their social stance. But really, it’s just a term that’s used in a variety of ways.

5. Christopher Walken.

6. An extra hour of sleep each night.

In which Steph Walker asks six comic-con-ers the following questions...

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Best and worst part of Comic Con? Star Wars Kill, Shag, Marry: C3-PO, Chewbacca, Yoda?

If you had to make a cocktail containing soy sauce, what would you mix it with?

What’s the difference between a geek and a nerd?

Which celebrity voice would you pick to narrate your life?

If you had a terrible superpower, what would it be? (eg avoid speed cameras, whip up good desserts)

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(off-campus)

Pontip,

Josh,

Sas,

Dressed as Iron Man Graphic Designer

Dressed as Anakin Theatre Technician

Dressed as Kadaj, Final Fantasy Full time Cos Player

1.

1.

1.

Best part: the people.

Worst part: the people.

2. Kill: C3PO Marry: Yoda Shag: Chewbacca.

3. All you need is Tabasco and vodka.

4. A nerd is intellectual, a geek is just a fan.

5. Lance Henriksen (his voice is used in the TRON TV series and Mass Effect 3, but he is also known for his acting in Aliens and The Terminator).

6. Being able to change the TV channel without having to use a remote.

Best part: the variety of people and costumes.

Worst part: not a load to do, though there is room to grow.

2. Kill: C3PO Marry: Chewbacca Shag: Yoda (because he is nothing if not experienced).

3. Soy Sauce + lots of vodka, cinnamon and sugar; I don’t think I’d be drinking it though.

4. A geek knows they’re uncool but supports their interests anyway, a nerd is totally unaware of being uncool.

5. Alan Rickman or an angry Arnold Schwarzenegger.

6. Someone that follows you around, carrying your stuff.

Best part: friendly, nice people. The convention is popular which is nice, and it’s in a good location.

Worst part: tickets not being readily available.

2. Kill: Yoda (who would want to listen to him full time?)

Marry: Chewbacca Shag: C3PO. 3. You don’t need anything with Soy Sauce, just shot it.

4. A geek is socially tolerable but ultimately unintelligent, a nerd is intelligent but a bit of a loser.

5. Crispin Freeman (voice actor).

6. To not feel clothes while you’re wearing them*

* I don’t like pants.

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the university), so you don’t need to worry about any ramifications of making a complaint.

state of the union

For those of you that have had a negative experience with Centrelink (which is most of you, let’s face it), our EWOs can also lend a hand. They know the inner workings of how the system works, and can help you fast track your problems to resolution.

Photo: Chris Arblaster

(on-campus)

If you’ve got a problem with a landlord or agent, the EWOs also have a wealth of experience dealing with the Residential Tenancies Tribunal, and can assist you in finding emergency housing.

As well as all that, there is a legal service offering free initial legal consultations on issues such as family law, traffic and minor criminal offences, consumer complaints and tenancy disputes. There is also a free tax service in the second half of each year that can help you to prepare and submit your tax return. If you want to take advantage of either of these services, make a booking!

These are all very important services provided by the Adelaide University Union, and if you are having a problem my advice is to get in touch with the EWOs as early as you can.

with CASEY BRIGGS, auu president.

Now that the mid-semester break is over, it’s likely that a lot of you will need to start thinking about some major assessment pieces. As such, I think it’s a good time for a quick reminder of some of the important AUU services available if you’re having trouble with your studies.

We have three Education and Welfare Officers (or just EWOs for short). They are independent advocates that can help you with anything that is negatively affecting your ability to study. Short of actually learning for you, that is. You are on your own there.

The EWOs can assist you to negotiate an extension with a lecturer (provided you have a good reason!), or if you’re having trouble with the university or an individual lecturer you can come and see them for advice.

They can also come along to meetings you have with the university and represent you. The service is completely confidential (and completely independent of

Finally, I’ll let you know about a few of upcoming competitions that are open now. The National Campus DJ Competition, Band Competition, Film Festival, and Art Prize registrations are open now.

Each competition has great prizes and is open to any student at the university. Visit aaca.net.au for more details or to register.

Casey Briggs President, Adelaide University Union Email: casey.briggs@adelaide.edu.au Twitter: @CaseyBriggs

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most part, we’ve all reached that age where we need to start acting like responsible adults and a large part of that is making sure we take care of ourselves.

student representative column

Look out for us on the Barr Smith Lawns and learn about the many ways to take better care of yourself.

Photo: Shaylee Leach

Of course, as important as your welfare is we also need to keep our eyes on the prize: your education.

Over the past several weeks, a significant number of students have lodged complaints with me and other members of the SRC on what they see as cost cutting measures within their classes. Whilst I cannot confirm that some of the things are the result of cost cutting (the nicest complaint I’ve probably heard was one where students weren’t being given feedback on their tutorial papers – they just get worse from there), I can say that I have spoken with a number of members of the academic staff and we’re getting traction on addressing the concerns students have expressed.

That said, it’s always good to have ammunition to fire.

If you have any complaints about your courses, feel free to contact me with the contact details below.

with IDRIS MARTIN, src president.

Welcome back from your break and I hope it was good.

In danger of turning this column into a 400 word advice piece, hopefully you used the holidays as an opportunity to relax and take a break from some of the many responsibilities university can heap onto you.

The sum of your university experience isn’t just dictated by the quality of your education but also by the quality of your lifestyle. This is why the SRC does not just have an Education Officer but also a Welfare Officer who looks out for the many student welfare issues that crop up.

To this end, on the 19th of April the SRC is running a Student Health Expo. The purpose of the expo is to look the different ways you can change your lifestyle, be it slightly or in a big way, to improve your health and, by extension, your university experience. For the

The National Union of Students will also be running an education quality survey in over the next few weeks and if you can take some time to fill it out, that will go a long way to demonstrate the quality of tertiary education in Australia.

All up, the rest of the semester look like it will be busy. Keep an eye on our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/adelaidesrc) to stay in the loop!

Idris Martin President, Student Representative Council Email: idris.martin@student.adelaide.edu.au Twitter: @IdrisMartin

(on-campus)

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(on-campus)

students in charge what do they even do, and should you care?

words: seb tonkin Student politics is a strange beast, that On Dit has cautiously poked at in a few different ways over the years, to greater or lesser extents. The spectre of student apathy is a tough one to ignore.

Less than 3000 of you voted in the elections last year – and no doubt fewer still did so out of genuine interest. There’s a perception that student governance is irrelevant – that it doesn’t affect the average student.

throwing a bunch of facts at you.

Those in the front rows: careful.

We’re about to get dry.

The AUU

Despite (or hey, even because of) that, I feel On Dit has a duty to report on this stuff. Our existence is only justifiable if we’re serving the student body something they can’t get elsewhere. Sure, you won’t always see it in the mag, and you shouldn’t – there are a lot of meetings where student politicians really don’t make any interesting decisions. But when they do, we’ll try to be there.

The Adelaide University Union, founded in 1895, is the overarching student organisation here at the university, with a long and eventful history. Nowadays, it runs a bunch of student services (education and welfare officers, legal and tax aid, employment assistance) as well as funding affiliate organisations (like the SRC and Clubs Association) and student media (Student Radio and this very magazine). They also host events, of which O’Week and O’Live are probably the most prominent. They own Unibooks, and, more recently, the General store in the Hub, but were forced to sell off the Unibar and other food outlets after VSU.

It’s important not to forget that most of the students here have no memory of CSU, or SAUA, and no idea what the difference is between the AUU and SRC. Or even what CSU, SAUA, AUU, and SRC stand for. So on that note, I thought it would be useful to present a really basic overview of just how student governance operates and has operated at the University of Adelaide.

I’m gonna try and keep it lively, but be warned: I will basically be

There’s another acronym: VSU. Until 2006, the AUU, along with other Australian student unions, got the bulk of its funding from membership fees, which were compulsorily paid by every enrolled university student (Compulsory Student Unionism, or CSU). In 2006, the Howard government passed legislation that made it unlawful for universities to compel those payments – Voluntary Student Unionism, or VSU. As you

can imagine, this decimated the funds available to student organisations, and forced them to seriously consider which services and activities they could continue to provide.

The AUU’s funding now comes mainly from the University of Adelaide direct. The next biggest source of income is on-campus vending machines (mind-blowing fact: the AUU runs three out of the five most profitable vending machines in the country). Then, coming in a respectable third, are the voluntary membership fees paid by students (this used to be called ‘joining the union’; now it’s called ‘buying a U-Pass’). That money is spent on a number of things – the largest portion being student services, followed by operating costs, affiliates, and events.

Last year, they ended up with a modest profit.

You might also have heard about the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) – perhaps in issue 2 of this magazine (available online!). Last year, the Gillard government passed legislation that once again allows universities to charge students for non-academic services. Unlike CSU, that money doesn’t all go to the AUU – it’s entirely up to the university how it’s spent. But given the existing service provision framework of the AUU, and their presence in

consultation and discussion, it seems likely they’ll be receiving a not-insignificant increase in funding in the near future.

The Board Amidst all that, it’s almost easy to forget that the whole thing is run by students as young as 19 – on the AUU’s Board of Directors. The Board’s made up of 16 student directors, elected each year in an inconvenient flurry of coloured t-shirts and politicking.

Those 16 directors then internally elect a president (this year, Casey Briggs – see page 8) who receives an honorarium (some money) from the AUU. The Board meets regularly to make high-level decisions about the AUU’s direction – sometimes significant ones, like the sale of the Unibar in 2007. If there happens to be a reasonable portion of the SSAF money headed the AUU’s way, it’ll be them deciding how to spend it. However, their role is largely strategic. Day-today management of the AUU is handled by a number of employed non-students, who remain in place each year. They deal with a rapidly revolving stable of board directors who may or may not have any experience at all. In an effort to address director inexperience and turnover, the Board has since

last year been considering several reforms to its constitution – reducing the number of board members to 12, increasing the length of their terms to two years, and appointing ex-students with management experience as additional directors.

Those reforms, if they make it over various boring institutional hurdles, will probably be voted on, by you, in the next student elections.

The SRC Above, I mentioned the SRC, or Student Representative Council. The SRC is a much newer organisation, funded by the AUU, to replace the Students’ Association of the University of Adelaide (a.k.a. ‘SAUA’, pronounced, happily or derisively, ‘sewer’). The SRC, theoretically, is the first point of contact for all student issues, advocacy, and representation, and lobbies university administration, government, and other organisations for change. In practice, since the SRC is still a pretty young branch, some of that is still done by the President and staff of the AUU. The make-up of the SRC is pretty ambitious: a directly-elected President (this year, Idris Martin – see page 9), 15 office-bearing positions (welfare officer, queer officer, social justice officer, etc.), and eight general counsellors. While there’s plenty of idealistic discussion of

external political causes, the SRC is at its most effective when it’s campaigning on student-specific issues – youth allowance, printing, and the like.

And that’s about it, for ongoing student governance (things like NUS are beyond the scope of this – maybe some other time). The next couple of pages feature articles by two student politicians, from quite opposite ends of the spectrum.

Hopefully you have a better understanding of what they’re on about.

Yes, let’s be clear: student politics is a world where much of its population actually want to be politicians. It’s a world that’s produced many a Labor MP (and the occasional brave Liberal too). But in the end, the decisions made in it can indeed have genuine repercussions for each and every one of us.

Whether that fills you with pride or dread depends on your perspective.

Fancy heading along to see the process first hand? The AUU and SRC meet regularly, and students are invited to observe.

AUU: April 18, 5:30pm, WP Rogers Room SRC: April 17, 6pm, see facebook.com/adelaidesrc for location

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(on-campus)

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(miscellany)

can YOU count on accountability? charlotte thomas is a liberals on campus AUU board director.

Many of you would remember voting in the 2011 elections for the Adelaide University Union (AUU) Board. Or at least you would remember being hassled on Barr Smith Lawns by various student politicians shoving how-to-vote cards in your face.

Supporters of this process herald it as university democracy at its best: students electing other students to represent them.

Indeed, the AUU prides itself on being for students, by students. However, since my term as a Director of the AUU Board began a few months ago, I have been nothing but disappointed with the lack of transparency and accountability for which the AUU Board should really be known.

Not only does the Board go ‘in camera’ at the end of most meetings to discuss things that regular students apparently can’t know, it is also currently seeking to pass a number of

harmful changes.

One of these changes is increasing Directors’ terms from one year to two. This would see the end of accountability for the AUU Board as students’ right to vote out ‘bad’ Directors is limited to once every two years. It also means that fewer students will run for Board: the typical degree is three years in length and sitting on the Board for two is not particularly desirable.

When I raised my concern with the Board a little while ago, I got an appalling response from two of my fellow Directors: ‘But we’re not accountable anyway’.

Other Directors nodded in agreement and laughed.

Two things. Firstly, it is a disgrace that the AUU Board can pride itself on being put there by students, whilst simultaneously acknowledging that it is completely unaccountable.

What a waste of a week the

2011 elections must therefore have been. Secondly, (and actually quite humorously) these Directors believe the solution to being unaccountable is to just make themselves more unaccountable by extending their own terms!

And to think that as of 2012 you, as a student, will have to fork out $263 a year under the new Student Services and Amenities Fee so the AUU can spend it how it wants…

There will, of course, be little accountability on this front as well. Most students don’t even know they’re going to be charged!

I won’t be backing the proposed change to increase the terms of Board Directors. You, too, can have your say if these changes get put to a student referendum. Think of it this way: people who mock the idea of accountability do not even deserve a one year term, let alone two.

care factor.

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(off-campus)

sam lane is a member of the student representative council.

What has happened to student activism? I mean, aren’t we, as students, supposed to be the annoying, loud, outspoken drain on society that is depicted in all college romcoms and educational coming-ofage stories ever shown on big, silver or computer screen? What are we, Adelaide? Are we students, or just pre-employment education drones with no passion or drive?

I want my education to come at me like heroin, not panadol. Don’t you? How much are you paying?

How many thousands of dollars do you have to fork out, before you recognize that you should be in control of what you are getting in return? I mean, come on Adelaide University, when are you going to recognise your place in this community, and when are you going to realise that you are the only ones paying for it?

This year, they’ve raised the cost of printing by 60%. That means you are 270 pages down from last year, expected to print the same amount, and charged the same or more for the privilege. It’s such a little thing, realistically, but it’s part of a much bigger issue. Students don’t care, and that’s why this, or anything else, happens. When you aren’t willing to engage with the university, you become nothing more than a number and a paycheque.

What happened to placards and signs with bad puns, catchy (and terribly written) chants, marches,

and full-scale riotous occupations?

Where did the spirit of revolution go? Activism is not some diseaseridden hippy movement where we all get high in a field and hope the war will end; it’s a catalyst of lobbying, arguing, and the beginning steps of student driven change.

Sure, specific groups within the Adelaide University community are, without a shadow of a doubt, activists. But it’s no good having five people with a tent and a tambourine standing on North Terrace trying to organise a revolt, because what are five people supposed to do? Why should we listen to them?

It’s cool to not care. So we don’t care. So we don’t know. So instead of 5,000 students shouting and screaming, we’ve got a barber-shop quintet rhyming ‘solution’ with ‘pollution’ in front of the art gallery.

Students don’t care, and won’t, because they never see change.

And change won’t happen until students start caring. And that’s not going to happen, because five people can’t do it alone. The change never happens, and students continue not caring, and we are stuck, forever.

Spare a thought for the misunderstood, doe-like student politicians (cue lightning strike and maniacal witches’ cackle). These wearisome beings are the ones you find thawing from hibernation

during the much-dreaded Election Week, arms full of papers and highlighters, pulling you from the crowd with such tedious things to say.

You don’t care about these people, because (and this is literally the only reason anyone has ever given me) they are ANNOYING! But they care. Or they should care. And so should you. These people become the SRC (Student Representative Council) or the Union Board (for the AUU). The SRC – 23 people – can’t really make the difference they want without student support.

That’s the facts. People treat them like some vile collection of evildoers, wasting money on dolphins and staircases to nowhere, when in fact; they’re the ones caring for you.

Words are some of the most powerful things we possess, and we never seem to use them – at least not to make ourselves powerful.

We are weakening ourselves with our words, when we say ‘we don’t care’ or ‘we can’t do anything about it’ or ‘they’re just annoying’. We, as students, as the future, as members of this vast, intelligent community, could become powerful within it, and start making some worthy changes. We need to start using our voices again, and I mean loudly. I want the revolution I was promised, instead of this whispering, back room, half-arsed, useless, motionless, empty menagerie of powerlessness. Who’s with me?

student media words: aidan jones

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(on-campus)

In case you hadn’t noticed, there is a new magazine on the scene.

That’s right gentle proles, we have a competitor. The tyrannical, university-sponsored, communist monopoly of On Dit over the student print media has come to an end. No more shall we, the student population of Adelaide be subjected to one magazine and one magazine only. No longer shall we toil our days away under censorship and propaganda. No longer will the whip crack and the women weep in the courtyards.

Spur has come to play STEVE JOBS to On Dit’s BILL GATES. THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER. AHA! AHA! !Ahaaaaa…

Uuhh… is anyone reading this?

Okay, so maybe it’s not as exciting as all that, but for those of you still reeling from my hyperbolic introduction, Spur magazine is a new magazine, printed completely independent of the university and any official funding, and its inaugural issue ran in March of this year. Two thousand copies of Spur were shot, hot off of the presses, and strewn around the Adelaide Uni campus, Rundle Street and even Flinders and Uni SA campuses. Compared to the 2500 that On Dit releases every two weeks, two thousand is... well, it’s four fifths as many and not as often... but the existence of a second student publication has excited and interested many a folk around the campus this semester, not least of all myself. But why do we even need another magazine?

The first page editorial of

the first issue of Spur went some way to suggesting the creators of the magazine’s thoughts on the matter – they were ‘enraged by the mediocrity’ and, therefore, ‘decided to make [their] own publication’. I needed more help elucidating these reasons though, and so I went to the source for help. After initially fearing that the price of such precious information would be one lunch to the shrewd James McCann, Serrin Prior (one of the three editors of Spur) agreed to meet with me and discuss what were – at this point – the crucial facts.

While she obviously could not speak for the editorial team as a whole, Serrin did seem to be thinking of Spur not as a replacement for an inadequate student magazine (first-issue ribbings aside), but rather as an alternative for Adelaide University students. Interestingly though, as I mentioned before, the magazine had also been sent out to Flinders Uni and Uni SA campuses and had received some great feedback and interested contributors. The distinct lack of a student mag at either of our city’s other two universities has meant that other markets are wide open. (Calling UniLife a ‘magazine’ is a bit like calling the casino a ‘unique cultural centre’… fuck off1.)

North Terrace still remains the base of operations though, but the new kids on the block… wait wait wait, I can do better than that… these novice initiates nestling their new niche (ha!) have met with no small amount of trouble 1. Eds: On Dit refuses to have an editorial opinion on the casino.

from the very institution they seek to improve. While it goes without saying, thinking, or even scratching your head that student publications promote campus culture, the university has been busy making trouble and confusion since Spur magazine first came out.

From being told by one authority that only On Dit was allowed in the Hub; to being told that actually nothing is allowed in the Hub, not even On Dit; to having to fish a pile of discarded copies of Spur out of a bin… well let’s just say that pimpin’ ain’t easy.

What does this all mean for On Dit though? Well o well ye corpulent masses, ye forsaken heathens, scratching and clawing and biting and seething with dumb insanity, ignorant of your places in the great unwashed. Hearken unto me… uuhh… hmm… let’s see here…

One of the immovable tenets of modern economic theory is that competition is good; it fosters innovation and risk-taking in any market, and the market for student magazines is, in theory, no different. My first inclination on this matter was to agree that, yes, of course a second magazine on campus would inject a bit of competitive spirit into the situation. For a fleeting second my eyes shone with the promise of burgeoning readerships and increasingly vibrant campus culture… but then my brain stumbled over the inevitable tripper-upperer: On Dit is not an independent publication, so how could it possibly be affected by competition?

To

elaborate: On Dit has a guaranteed level of funding allocated by the Adelaide University Union (AUU), which means that regardless of whether it is the most amazing magazine on the face of the planet, or whether they start using it instead of toilet paper in the Barr Smith, it will still be guaranteed that level of funding. On Dit does not care about competition.

This then raises other questions, and questions and more questions: is Spur really going to be able to tap into a new group of students that On Dit is missing the beat with? Is there even ROOM in Adelaide University for another publication… does anyone actually read the first one? How about accusations that On Dit is nothing more than an arts faculty biweekly? And what if Spur actually had a negative effect on the whole situation and ended up being the perfect reason for the AUU to cut On Dit from its budget—if there’s already an independent magazine that supports itself, why do we even NEED On Dit? Well maybe that’s taking it a bit too far, but I think we can all see that things are much more complicated than they at first seemed.

Swears

and cursing! Too many questions, not enough answers.

I wrote an email about the situation to Casey Briggs, AUU president, but it fell on deaf ears.

By 10:23am on the first Saturday morning of the holidays, I was still to find the answers I was looking for. The fact that I was even writing in the past tense surprised me – such a sense of finality and completeness, but this story was not done. The stage had been set though; Spur and On Dit are both poised to set upon the University’s word-hungry population with a maelstrom of journalism in the coming months.

The Earth will shake. The Ground Will Fall

Away At Your Feet.

EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW… Goddamn it Aidan. Again with the hyperbole?

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our response: We’d like to give our views on Aidan’s hypothetical: ‘if there’s already an independent magazine that supports itself, why do we even NEED On Dit?’ In the end, we think comparisons with Spur are a little difficult: as a publication of the AUU, we have both advantages and responsibilities that Spur doesn’t share.

Union funding means that our being printed isn’t entirely dependent on the sourcing of advertising (though that’s not to say On Dit’s budget isn’t ever a target of cutbacks). However, Spur will need

to continue selling ad space simply to survive.

One of the responsibilities of On Dit has always been a policy of ‘by students, for students’, and our contributor base is overwhelmingly composed of current students.

Spur very deliberately has an open contribution policy, and no external obligation to cover anything specifically of student importance.

In that sense, we think there’s a distinction between a student magazine and a magazine run by students.

In our view, Spur is no more in competition with On Dit than Rip It Up or dB. We hope, in the end, that this is seen not as some kind of weird literary feud, but as another outlet for students and young creatives to publish their work.

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on dit’s last article about the fringe (we promise)

words: stella crawford Every year, hundreds of different shows queue up on the pages of a small but well distributed magazine , competing for our love. This is the Fringe, born out of the chipped-shoulders of small performers excluded from the Adelaide Festival—now featuring acts with bigger names than those of the Festival, and occasionally, higher prices.

‘The Three Minute Project’; Annie Siegmann, of cabaret ‘En Route to Modesty Lane’ fame; Alison Coppe, vocalist from ‘New Coat of Paint: The Songs of Tom Waits’; and Nick Milde who, together with Jamie Seyfang, performed comedy show ‘Digby “Common” Poorwill presents: A Delving into Ornithological Manoeuvrability’.

Chief among the problems caused by its great success, however, are the seemingly few angles that remain undiscovered amongst the frenzy of Fringerelated press. The solution to achieving perfect Fringe coverage is hence, somewhat obviously, to gift any potential publicity to those that somehow avoided receiving even the misdirected splatter of the mainstream media’s downpour.

Such people, though, do not exist.

Even ‘student shows’ as a collective do not seem to provide the fertile crop of poorly-attended hipster gems as might have been expected; the people behind them proved, in fact, to be remarkably good at what they do.

First, what exactly were their shows?

Four such artists kindly consented to answer a few poorly worded questions on the nature of the Fringe, art, and the meaning of life. They are, in no particular order; Genevieve Brandenburg, director/producer of the art film

Alison: ‘New Coat of Paint: The Songs of Tom Waits’ is me and a five piece blues band; we do Tom Waits songs together because the man is a god and we love to worship him.

Gen: The Three Minute project was an experimental art film inspired by Andy Warhol’s screen tests. 221 individuals were filmed for 3 ‘undirected’ minutes; and the resulting 3.5 hour film is celebration of the individuality, creativity and beauty of the human being, and is dedicated to the people and culture of Adelaide.

Annie: ‘En Route To Modesty Lane’ was my debut cabaret show containing little vignettes of stories about life and love (or lack thereof). The show was executed with help from a kick-ass band whilst armed with my ukulele.

Nick: ‘Digby “Common” Poorwill presents: A Delving into Ornithological Manoeuvrability’ is a faux-lecture about a fictional bird research institute and its collected findings made up of short documentaries, catchy folk covers of popular tunes and mouthtalking.

These were four very different shows amongst hundreds, and so rather than eke out comparisons between styles of art, the questions here are about the practicalities and realities of being a Fringe artist.

Interviews and press releases are part and parcel of small time performance art. In the year of Sanderson Jones and the Comic Sale’s hand sold ticket regime, it’s easy to see the competition to bestow tickets upon willing owners might have got a bit tough. And yet, if it’s possible to swallow selfdoubt/shame and get comfortable selling your art, these are the people to learn from.

Alison: We have a manager who does most of the work for us.

(Good managing to Jess Coppe at So What Media!). As musicians though you have to talk the talk, so you do have to get comfortable with saying—come and see my show, I’m a bit of alright with a mic.

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photos: sam young Gen: After a while I did develop a bit of an introductory spiel to the Project, what it was about and why I did it - but even after the 20th time everything I said was still true and I really did mean it. I still do! The Project has pretty much become my art, and the ideas that I’ve developed throughout it are what I believe and definitely apply to my other areas of creativity.

Nick: It was actually fun to try to find ways to get it out to people, like performing at the Fringe Caravan in Rundle Mall and doing promo videos—our promotion almost became a test of whether we were actually going to get by without being yelled at, so when it went fairly well that really helped us feel more comfortable.

On the same train of thought, who better to ask about the realities of ticket sales? Are the attendees of Fringe gigs actually the hoard of acceptable foreigners who allegedly pour into our city, or is the reality that performers just end up selling to their friends?

I asked my newly-minted friends whether the Fringe was truly a way to make new connections; or simply put, who did they sell tickets to?

Annie: Mums, dads, teenagers, young adults, not so young adults,

musicians, comedians, artists, bartenders, lawyers, doctors...

Alison: The Fringe guide is always great because it’s got such high circulation and you reach a whole range of people. We also performed in a variety show called ‘Amuse Bouche’ in order to promote ourselves. Did radio interviews and all kinds of things.

Whatever it takes!

Nick: For the most part we sold tickets through word of mouth, especially when people found out we weren’t so bad.

Unsurprisingly, the moral behind this story is the more effort put in, the more tickets sold. The bigger the show planned, the more effort required. The Fringe Caravan and variety shows such as ‘Amuse Bouche’ tend to function for that exact purpose; allowing people who want to put the effort in to reach a wider audience. The next question, as to whether this would be any different during non-Fringe season, requires an awkward segue that is probably one to be missed. So without further ado, I bring you: Was the Fringe a thing of convenience or desire?

Nick: It was really the idea of being IN the Fringe that made us want to take part in it. We really had almost nothing at all for a

show beyond a general concept when we registered, and no idea at all about what the Fringe provided, or what we had to do. Just the thought of being on the other side of this big thing that everybody gets pretty thrilled about made it seem worthwhile.

Annie: You always have to go in to Fringe with an idea of what you want to get out of it. Naturally, I had no idea what I wanted to get out of it - but since doing it I have found that it is an INCREDIBLY useful marketing tool.

Alison: We love festivals. They are really great ways to get out there, get your stuff seen, and to communicate with other artists.

We perform outside of festivals in a variety of different incarnations but it is always special to play during festival time.

Gen: The Three Minute Project part in the Fringe was convenient more than anything—right time (more or less), right place, and right way to reach a large audience.

Like everyone else, though, it’s a yearlong funding cycle for artists, and a Fringe show ain’t going to cover it all. Both Annie and Alison perform outside of festival time.

Annie: I actually get most of my income from performing but not in original creative things. I

sold my soul to the corporate devil so I regularly gig at places like the Casino, weddings, pubs etc. That being said I’m trying to get my singer/songwriter stuff out there more and more at the moment.

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Alison: The piano player in ‘New Coat of Paint’ is my friend and we live together so we do a lot of music together outside of Fringe time. We do a little jazz duo and some other rock band/party music when we need to. For the most part we put together a show and work it at festival time, that’s what we love doing. We have another show called ‘The Jazz Hop Experiment’ and we’re currently working on a new project for this June—Cabaret time!

Finally, it did seem unavoidable that recommendations for other artists would come up; and to their credit, the current batch bore the terrible question with remarkable good humour. So to round out: Annie: If you’re writing a show,

don’t leave ANYTHING to the last minute or it will suck. Write your show and then rehearse, rehearse, REHEARSE because when it gets closer to show time you have to worry about other stuff. Plus, you have to get your posters and flyers out there and present them in a different and unique way because in Fringe, there are THOUSANDS of other posters out there. They can get lost. It’s about making a plan, executing the plan but also it’s about being flexible enough to deal with any curve balls that come your way. The final and most important thing is have fun and love what you do because that’s why we do this, that’s why we choose this life.

Gen: If you’ve got something to share, then yes, do a Fringe show.

In all honesty, for the four to five months leading up to our premiere I was stressed, sleep-deprived, panic-stricken and permanently hungry. But I learnt so much from

pulling this premiere together— simple things like gaining experience in professional phone calls, media and press emails, and meetings, and big things like how not to lose it when everything goes wrong... It’s placed me in a priceless position in terms of experience and knowing what to expect when organising my next big event!

Nick: Incorporate birds into your show in some way. Apparently they’re pretty popular. Also, if you have an idea, don’t be afraid to just throw yourself into things at the Fringe and take a chance— you might not be the worst thing people have ever seen. Or, you know, we really hope not. That would be terrible.

Alison: Try to keep calm and carry on.

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long distance relationships & you words: sophie byrne

If you Google long-distance relationships, there are bajillions of results for you to browse through.

It’s a smorgasbord of advice, but they all end up saying the same thing. Make ground rules from the start! Elevate your ability to trust to unprecedented heights! Skype lots! Phone sex will eventually become easier once you’ve gotten over the incredibly awkward first attempt(s)! (It does not). There are 7 Step Plans and 18 Step Plans and all sorts of women’s and men’s sites offering you the secret tips you’ve never heard before that will make your long-distance relationship magically perfect once again.

But although I read most of the bajillion articles, when I left do to an exchange in Sweden and my boyfriend left to do an exchange in Munich, I still had no clue as to how we were going to figure it out.

So, as someone who hasn’t lived in the same country as her significant other for 10 months now, here are some tips that I, specifically, have found useful in surviving the emotional onslaught that is the Long-Distance Relationship.

1. crying is cathartic.

2. don’t facebook stalk.

I cry a lot. I cry at lots of things. Advertisements for Google Chrome have frequently left me in a puddle of my own sadness.

Reading the last Harry Potter led my father to believe I was being attacked due to my torrential sobbing. But I have never cried so much as I have in the last year. At first it was debilitating; for a month I lived in a world of potential triggers for my tears. A boy wearing a t-shirt would remind me that Dom also likes wearing t-shirts, and I’d start crying in the middle of a lecture on the Swedish vowel ‘å’. Someone would tell me they did engineering and I’d be overcome: ‘oh, my boyfriend does engineering… [enter tears]’. But it got better. It became manageable.

Now when I’m feeling like it’s all too much, I get up my ‘sad long-distance relationship songs playlist’, weep myself into a coma, and feel so much better the next day. Having indulged in a pity party for one, I can get on with it.

It seems fairly obvious: Facebook stalking will lead to misunderstandings and suspicions, and inevitably end up in a Skype Fight (by far the worst kind of fight. There’s nothing worse than yelling at someone when your face is pixellated to the point where it no longer looks human and their voice keeps breaking up through the signal so communication is rendered literally impossible). But still, the temptation is enormous.

Who the fuck is that biddy wearing what seems to be a belt for a skirt and has much prettier hair than me? Why has he been tagged ‘getting loose as a goose’ with ONLY HER at what Google Maps tells you is a club? And why does her Facebook have to tell you that she speaks 5 languages and loves engineering rockets? It all sounds horrible, you assume the worst and you inform your roommate you’re about to do some yelling.

Then it turns out she’s the visiting girlfriend of another exchange person and actually tagged 15 other people in that post and you feel like a dickhead.

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3. learn to love whatsapp This is something that does rely on both of you having Smartphones, which is not always the case. Luckily my iPhone is practically an extension of my arm, so, Whatsapp. This is a most useful app in general, but definitely handy when long-distancing.

You can send photos and text messages—but it’s all through the internet on your phone, so no exorbitant prices! Hoorah! I might go so far as to say that without the power of Whatsapp we may not have made it through to this hideous part where I am asleep in Adelaide and he is still in Bavaria eating sausages for lunch.

4. don’t try to be the ‘cool one’ If I’m being honest, I like to think of myself as the ‘cool’ person in our relationship. I’m all ‘yeah, whatever, he’s alright, no biggie, I’m too cool to care too much because I’m so cool’. Alas, this is fatal when your relationship has been reduced to a few Skype calls in a week and texting. You can’t be ‘cool’.

You need to embrace the corny aspects of being in a relationship wholeheartedly and get ready to be the grossest couple you can imagine. Send virtual flowers over the internet, write cute messages, put a picture of you two as your phone background and make sure that no matter what, you each know how important you are to each other. Aw, see how corny! I’m so proud of myself, I’m officially the least cool person I know.

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a cynic’s guide to politics WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS STEREOTYPES WHICH MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME READERS

words: adam kreminski art: gina chadderton

definitions1 Conservatism: Political principles and parties which emphasise respect for existing institutions and traditions and opposition to radical reform.

Liberalism: Favourable to progress and reform, in accord with the policy of leaving the individual as unrestricted as possible.

Liberal Party of Australia: A conservative political party formed by Robert Menzies in 1945.

Irony: A figure of speech or literary device in which the literal meaning is the opposite of that intended.

1. From the Macquarie Dictionary, 5th ed., 2009.

a cynic’s guide to left wing liberalism Fear : Liberal hacks love labelling anyone who disagrees with them -phobic, from the Greek word for fear. Favourite name-calling terms include: homophobic, xenophobic and ethnophobic (not a thing, but it will be). That’s if you’re not already a sexist, racist, elitist or fundamentalist Christian evangelist. Liberals themselves, presumably, aren’t afraid of anything – how courageous!

Tolerance: Liberals are the most tolerant people of all.

They’ll tolerate any minority

view, unless that view isn’t tolerant itself. In fact, they’ll celebrate it because, y’know, anything not thought up by white people is so much more enlightened, man. See: Ethnocentrism.

Ethnocentrism: Liberals hate anything that’s ethnocentric, especially Eurocentric. That’s why they’re so tolerant. Except when it comes to things like universal human rights – then it’s Western values all the way, baby!

Oppression: Liberals are always whining about oppression, especially if it’s of

a minority group or its culture.

That’s why globalisation is so bad. The people of the developing world were clearly much better off under subsistence agriculture China or under feudal overlords before foreign investment by the West gave them jobs in factories. See: Paradise Lost.

Paradise Lost: Liberals are forever bemoaning the time before Sin, whatever form that may have taken. O for the days before industrialisation when men and women worked for themselves, the skies were blue, the rivers and streams pristine and most were dead by 50.

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a cynic’s guide to right wing conservatism Fear: A big thing in election campaigns that conservative acolytes do is to create, exacerbate, and then exploit people’s fears. Included in the list of things we should be positively terrified of are: violent criminals, immigrants and their children (no, not you Seamus, the ‘new’ ones), ‘the terrorists’, trade unions, and terrorist unions.

Tolerance: Conservatives are more tolerant than a lot of people give them credit for; you just have to agree with

them. Take gay marriage, for example. When asked about how she feels about it, Michele Bachmann said she didn’t have a problem with gay people getting married, as long as they married someone of the opposite sex.1 What a great lady!

Ethnocentrism: ‘What’s that?’

Oppression: Conservatives are always bitching about being oppressed. Whether it’s because of the ‘liberal media’ in the United States (like Fox News?) or oppression of the media by 1. (http://www.good.is/post/peopleare-awesome-this-young-activist-takesmichele-bachmann-to-task-on-gaymarriage/)

the Gillard government here in Australia (keep fighting for your freedom, Mr Bolt!), it sure is tough being a privileged Westerner, these days.

Paradise Lost: Remember the “good old days”?

Conservatives do, and they’ve been pining after them ever since the very downfall of society began, the exact date of which depends on how old they are.

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delicious but deadly

words: ruby niemann art: lillian katsapis Do you ever feel like you’re just not paranoid enough? Sure, you’ve given up smoking (because of the cancer), and the drinking (because of the liver failure), and the fatty foods (heart attacks!), and crossing busy streets (hit and run!) and you don’t even walk down stairs anymore (did you know that around 1000 people a year die from falling down stairs in the U.S?). But what about all those other hidden dangers that you could be being terrified of right now? Like bananas? Or nutmeg? Or chocolate: the secret killer?

Well luckily, Ruby Rose, Intrepid Girl Reporter (I can label myself that, right?) is on the case! After some digging1 and hours of diligent research2, I managed to shake out a list of three things that you probably don’t realise can kill you stone dead.

Start preparing those sterile panic rooms, kiddies, because...

1. Furious Googling 2. Looking up vague, half-remembered facts

potatoes are full of deadly solanine!

Maybe you’ve heard that pregnant women shouldn’t eat green (or raw) potatoes. Well, the fact of the matter is that no one should eat green or raw potatoes, foetus or no foetus. And no, it’s not just because it’s gross. It’s because it’s possibly fatal (and also gross).

It turns out that the green spots on a potato, while being made up of harmless chlorophyll, are a sign of heightened levels of solanine, a glycoalkaloid poison that occurs in the nightshade family of plants, which, according to the all-knowing Wikipedia

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(and my mother, who knows stuff about plants) the potato is actually a member of. So, to sensationalise that a little, eating a green potato is exactly the same as eating belladonna, otherwise known as deadly nightshade, aka that thing that witches used to poison people and also fly. Now, the easiest way to get rid of solanine in your green potatoes? Deep frying. Yes, once again, hot chips save the day.

bananas could give you a heart attack!

Bananas. Bananas have got to be good for your right? Hell, the amount of bananas your parents tried to make you eat as a kid, they must be practically a miracle food. They’re full of potassium and potassium can lower the risk of strokes, hypertension, and heart disease. OMG, it really IS a miracle food… where do I get me some bananas? Actually, no, hold up a sec.

Have you heard of hyperkalaemia, by any chance?

No? Well allow me to explain.

Hyperkalaemia is what happens when you get too much potassium in your blood. It can cause symptoms which you may assume are just a regular part of being at uni, particularly around exam time, such as malaise, muscle weakness, and hyperventilation, but in extreme or untreated it can cause cardiac arrhythmia or (dun dun dunnnn) sudden death. Thankfully, this usually only happens in association with kidney problems or certain medications, so you know, you’re probably fine. Probably.

chocolate can poison you (and so can coke and tea and a bunch of other stuff you probably like)!

Ever wondered why you can’t feed your dogs or cats chocolate?

It’s because chocolate is a poison.

Or more accurately, theobromine, a compound found in small amounts in the cacao bean is a

poison. Theobromine poisoning can cause such fun symptoms as nausea, vomiting, seizures, internal bleeding, and death.

Wow. And I just thought it made you kind of fat.

Anyway, in order to undergo a literal death by chocolate, you’d probably have to eat so much chocolate that you’d be about 50% chocolate anyway, and at that point a severe heart attack couldn’t be too far off. But still, stop feeding chocolate to your dog. Those effects sound horrible.

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heavy

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words: maxwell cooper art: madeleine karutz There is a crisis facing pet owners: their beloved pets are interfering with their ability to get laid. I’m setting out to give you the vital advice you need to deal with this issue. I can’t help you take care of your pets, or get you laid, but I can help you stop one from interfering with the other.

The Meat of the Issue So why should you care? I could rattle off a bunch of scientific figures about how researchers from the internet have found cats are attracted to the scent of awkwardness, but instead I’ll share some real stories of pets making everything from spooning to skypesex awkward.

Please note: names have been changed to protect the innocent and/or adorable.

Jennifer: One night my boyfriend stayed over when we were in year 12. We were both kinda awkward but were gradually pushing our boundaries. A big barrier to this came when he was on my bed waiting for me and my cat Charlie, who had been sleeping under my bed, noticed he was lying there. Charlie knew who he was, but he was sporting an appendage that she had never seen before. So, being a cat, she decided to sniff it.

He decided to throw her halfway across the room. It didn’t lead to us breaking up, but we really didn’t need more awkwardness in that relationship.

Jonathan: One morning earlier this year a guy I’d been seeing stayed over at mine. The sex was pretty good, and the next morning he woke me up by cuddling up to me and kissing me on the neck.

Unfortunately, what I thought was kind of a cute gesture, my dog interpreted as an attack on me.

He jumped up on the bed barking insistently, and I had to send him out in the back yard all day to calm him down. It didn’t really work out between me and the guy.

Jezebel: So, for a while I was seeing a girl who lived in Sydney.

I’d go over there a few times a year, she’d come over here a few times a year, but a lot of our relationship was done through Facebook,

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Skype, that sort of thing. One night we were Skypeing, and it had started out innocent enough but then it turned into something I’d rather not have written up in a magazine. Anyway, when we were both lying in bed, next to each other/our laptops, she said ‘when I said I wanted to see your pussy, that’s not quite what I meant’, forcing me to notice my cat Tigger had jumped up on my bed and started sniffing at my vibe.

These are just a few of the many ways pets can plague sexual situations. Best-case scenario, you get a funny story that a friend who writes for a magazine can later use.

Worst-case scenario, you discover you were sleeping with someone who is happier having a menage a trois with your furry little friend.

Either way, it isn’t a situation I’d be looking forward to finding myself in.

Man’s Best Friends So what can you do to avoid waking up to see your dog has torn up the used condom you threw away last night?

Pheromones: As year 9 Science/shows I watched when I was 12 have taught me, pheromones are how animals send messages to each other – ‘I need food; I want

sex; I’m super-scared’ – and so if you spray your partner down with pheromones designed to make your pet terrified of them, you’ll have no awkwardness! You’ll just need to explain why you needed to spray them down with animal stank.

Becoming a Recluse: Of course, you could always avoid having an awkward encounter through a life dedicated to the finer things – food, booze, pets, etc. If it gets boring you could even fit in some learning, selfdevelopment, and attainment of material wealth. This option has many benefits, and reclusehood has been pursued by many throughout history – Emily Dickinson even wrote convincingly about intense passion and emotion despite having a life of asceticism.

Distractions: Cats sleep around 18 hours a day. If they didn’t have to wake up to eat, they’d probably stay asleep forever.

Dogs have a smaller attention span than the three year-old I babysat when I was 15. If you’re careful, your pets will have something better to do than interfere with whoever you’re trying to do.

Getting Back On the Horse Let’s say you manage to still end up with an awkward pet/sexual

partner interaction, despite my clearly excellent advice. How can you deal with it?

Intensive Therapy: Depending on how embarrassed you are, you may need to go through counselling to deal with the trauma you’ve suffered.

You can use a variety of drugs and therapies in confronting this serious issue. Additionally, behavioural therapy can ensure your pets never enter into a repeat performance. If you call the RSPCA and tell them you’d like to enter your pets into intense aversion therapy, they’ll take them off your hands no hassle.

Talking It Out: If you and your partner talk it out, you can deal with the issue. As long as you can comfortable talk to each other with clothes on and relatively low BACs it’ll work out fine. If it doesn’t, try imagining how much worse it could’ve been. Sure your cat may have scratched someone’s back, but imagine if it scratched their nipple instead. It could’ve been much worse!

Avoidance: If you can’t deal with it through talking like normal people or therapy/drugs, you can always just avoid them.

Avoid them intensely. Avoid them like the Murdoch Media avoids dissenting opinions. You’ll never

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have to deal with the awkwardness if you maintain at least one degree of separation from them at all times.

Like a Dog with a Bone So now you know about this issue of disastrous importance.

You know how to avoid it, and what to do if everything else goes wrong. So go forth, spread the word, and help stop this issue. I feel like Bob Barker at the end of The Price is Right, except under no circumstances do I think you should spay and neuter yourself. Your pets might be a good idea, because though kittens/ puppies/other infant animals may be adorable, they also take a fair bit of work. Alternately, feel free to let your pets have babies and send me pictures of them. But please, take the advice in this article and keep your sex life and your pets’ sex life as far apart as possible.

Alternately, just close the damn door and let your pets sit in the hallway for a little while.

(off-campus)

writer? illustrator? photographer? student?

ON DIT. On Dit magazine is seeking the above (and associated passionate and creative folk) to help fill its 48 fortnightly pages.

On Dit is Australia’s third-oldest student magazine, and in 2012 celebrates its 80th birthday. Famous Adelaide alumni like Colin Thiele, Shaun Micallef, and Julia Gillard (and Christopher Pyne!) have graced its pages. Now you can too.

If you’re interested in contributing, email us at ondit@adelaide.edu.au, slide something under our door, or check out ondit.com.au. We can’t wait to hear from you.

cyberchondria

words: michelle bagster art: ann nguyen-hoang

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(off-campus)

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(off-campus)

When I was small, my mum was the ruthless master of my sick days.

She would take one look at my pitiful, pleading face, and before you could say ‘I can’t go to school today,’ she would announce ‘you’re fine,’ accompanied with a knowing eye roll.

Sure, there were criteria. If I was throwing up, or had a shaky, sweaty fever, I could have the day off. So, in most cases, a quick hand to the forehead and a thermometer under the armpit later, I was thrown out into the world to infect the other kids at school with whatever nasty bug was crawling through my lungs. (There was never any bug by the way, but I did improve my acting skills trying to beat my mum’s system).

No, not because I’m a med student. Although I tend to amuse myself at parties by listening to guests describe their symptoms, and offering my ‘expert’ diagnoses (it’s cancer, by the way).

I can diagnose myself because I can Google. And so can you.

Whenever I feel a twinge in my

one; self-diagnosis via the internet is becoming a huge problem. It’s dubbed Cyberchondria by posh people whose job it is to make up words. And it’s dangerous. If people keep doing this, something drastic will happen. Doctors won’t be able to make as much money off of people. Seriously, this is my future livelihood you guys are messing with!

“There are a whole lot of zebras in the savannah that is the internet. My sideways headache, for example, is probably occipital neuralgia. Or cancer.”

Fast forward several odd years, and I can diagnose myself!

neck, or a worrying headache that sits kind of unusually sideways over my ear, if I happen to be online Googling random rubbish (as is my wont), sometimes the words ‘neck pain’ or ‘sideways headache’ find their way into the search bar.

I know I’m not alone on this

See how I make joke? No, in all seriousness, diagnosing yourself via the internet is dangerous. Almost as dangerous as asking me to diagnose you at a party. When you Google your symptoms, you are a whole lot more likely to find ‘zebras’ the most extreme, and deadly possible cause of your symptom. And also probably the most rare. Everyone’s favourite Dr Cox from Scrubs describes it nicely: ‘if you hear hoofbeats, you

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just go ahead and think horsies and not zebras, mmm-kay Mister Silly Bear?’

And you stress and worry and all that stress and worry gives you a heart attack.

But there are a whole lot of zebras in the savannah that is the internet. My sideways headache, for example, is probably occipital neuralgia. Or cancer. It’s definitely not something that’s going to go away on its own.

As a working mother2… I mean, med student… I go to the internet all the time for research on various medical conditions, which

Get where I’m going here? Let me illustrate it prettily.

You start getting chest pains.

Instead of remembering that you were lifting boxes yesterday, you immediately turn to the internets. You figure out from the information that, yes, ‘I have Unstable Angina, plain and simple. I even feel puffed out! I’m sure of it! That’s another sign!’ The doctor tells you you’re fine, it’s just muscle pain.

But later on you feel another twinge, and you’re sure it’s not anxiety making you hyperventilate. ‘It’s that bloody Unstable Angina back again! And the internets say it can lead to a heart attack!’1

I guess doesn’t make me very different from the guy who was

1. Please, if you do feel squeezing chest pain and have shortness of breath, do go to the Emergency Room. It actually might be a heart attack. Don’t die.

2. If you want someone to trust you, preface your opinions with “As a working mother…” TV commercials do it all the time. It must work.

a little too concerned about his chest pains. When I was studying Hypothyroidism, I did something very similar. I started seeing signs everywhere. I would tug on my hair and it would fall out in my hands. I started feeling sluggish, I became acutely aware that my skin was dry and flaky, and I was certain I was cold all the time. All signs of that awful disease. And is my neck swelling? Is that a goitre?

I swear my collar is tighter than usual!

Thankfully, not only did I have the magic box in the study to turn to, but I had something far better than all the internets put together.

Mum listened to me whinge; ‘I swear I have Hypothyroidism! I need medications!’

A hand to the forehead and a thermometer under the armpit later, I was ushered out the door to make my merry way to uni. ‘You’re fine.’

She said.

And I guess I was.

(off-campus)

THE HUNGER GAMES

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(off-campus)

words: bec mcewen art: katie hamilton I have to admit it: it’s impressive. Very impressive. We’re talking about a movie that revolves around the idea of desperate teenagers slicing and dicing one another for the titillation of a wealthy elite. We’re talking about a movie where the best outcome for most of the secondary characters would have been to die nice and early, before the wasps or dogs or crazy girl with the knives could get them. We’re talking about a movie where a twelve-year-old girl gets harpooned through the chest.

You’d really have to try hard to be the most disturbing thing associated with The Hunger Games.

Yet, somehow, Mr. All-AmericanPsycho-With-A-Sword pales in comparison to a small group of semi-literate fans with an axe to grind.

What did these fans have to say?

Well, they weren’t happy. They’d read the books, they’d loved the books, and now some director had had the temerity not to whitewash

the whole cast for their benefit.

Some director had cast a black actress to play a black character.

Chaos.

ur racist lol One bright spark asked ‘sense when had Rue been a nigger?’ (Rue has had dark skin since always, go read the books). Another tweets ‘Kk call me racist but when I found out rue was black her death wasnt as sad #ihatemyself’ (and so you should). Perhaps @EJ takes the cake: ‘HOW IN THE WORLD ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE RUE A FREAKIN BLACK BITCH IN THE MOVIE?!?!?!?!?!??!’ he asks. ‘lolol not to be racist buuuut…I’m angry now ;o’ Newsflash. You’re a racist. Lol. But why is this so disturbing?

Well, it’s disturbing because the logic runs something like this. ‘Rue is a black child, so she is automati-

cally worth less than a white child.

Rue’s death is less sad because she isn’t a beatific little blonde angel with blue eyes. Rue can never be “pure” or “innocent” because those aren’t words we can apply to black girls.’ To dehumanise a child on this level is so sick it beggars belief. These fans are articulating and reinforcing the same underlying prejudices that have ensured that, despite shooting an unarmed teenager, George Zimmerman still walks free. Because if you’re not white, your death doesn’t matter.

It’s seriously sick to think that people feel genuinely aggrieved that when they read the books they ‘wasted’ emotion on a black character.

This was not the end of the angst. Oh no. Because what could be worse than engaging an AfricanAmerican actor or actress to play an African-American character? I’ll tell you what’s worse. Casting an African-American actor to play a character who might not be black!

Now, it’s quite common for people to fill in the blanks when not provided with a character description, and there’s significant evidence to suggest that people will do so in a way that accords with their experience. If you’re interacting socially with predominantly white people, you’re likely to envisage characters as white and so on and so forth.

Nothing inherently racist about that. However, most normal, rational people won’t go berserk if their personal vision of the character is displaced.

whole-family type entertainment).

Gale, Haymitch and Effie could have come from a huge variety of different racial backgrounds. Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal was a fan pick for Gale. So, really, they could have gone a lot further with the inclusive casting. Perhaps they feared that some of the aforementioned ‘fans’ might have expired

wrong with the ‘too fat’ argument.

Firstly, Lawrence is not ‘fat’ by any stretch of the imagination. She’s more substantial than, say, Kate Moss, but one could hardly accuse her of being pudgy. She is slender, toned and a wonderfully realistic size to play a woman who relies on strength and speed to survive. As one reviewer put it, she looks ‘functional rather than decorative’.

“It’s seriously sick to think people feel genuinely aggrieved that they ‘wasted’ emotion on a black character.”

Unfortunately, as we’ve already established, this small group of fans are about as close to slotting into the ‘normal people’ box as that crazy girl with the knives and the braid and the serious personality problem. ‘Why did the producer make all the good characters black smh1’ mourns one fan. Because, clearly, having dark skin and being a good character are mutually exclusive.

If anything, the criticism of The Hunger Games has to be that there is a lot of whitewashing.

Many characters could easily have been non-Caucasian, including Katniss herself, whose key physical characteristics according to the books are olive skin and dark hair.

Hunger Games franchise author Suzanne Collins acknowledges that Panem is a multi-racial society, and many characters don’t have a skin colour mentioned explicitly (presumably, Collins feels that skincolour is of secondary importance in a world where watching children chop each other up is fun-for-the1. Ed: smh = shaking my head

with rage. That would have been a pity.

I am grateful, however, that the producers didn’t do an Avatar: The Last Airbender and make all the originally Asian heroes white, and leave the villains Asian. Baby steps.

chewing the fat As if the racism wasn’t enough, people had to start playing the ‘Jennifer Lawrence is too fat’ card.

I mean, understand. It’s hard to cope with a young female heroine sans the vacant eyes and deathly pallor of everyone’s favourite Bella Swan. The ‘fat’ argument is couched in deceptively mild terms. ‘But it’s a dystopic future!’ the reviewers say. ‘She should look hungrier!’ Mysteriously, the male characters are escaping the same scrutiny. Gale looks as though he’s been smashing protein shakes and maxing out his gym membership, but nobody’s calling him ‘bigboned’. I suppose it’s permissible to exercise creative license for the purposes of swoon-worthiness.

There are three main things

Secondly, even in a society where food is scarce, it does not necessarily follow that everyone must be emaciated, particularly in the case of a character renowned for her hunting.

This may astonish some people, but there are genetic differences between people when size and shape are concerned. Some people were not designed to be a size zero.

Finally, calling Lawrence ‘too fat’ renders every woman of an average body size way too fat. What a wonderful way to reinforce the idea that the only criterion for assessing the worth of a young woman is her weight.

Thankfully, the majority of the fan response has been significantly less, well, insane. Still, it’s ironic that in a movie about vulnerability to the caprices of dominant social mores, the two things to come to the fore in the aftermath have been racism and the weight of a female actress. The Hunger Games is a movie about the destructiveness of dehumanisation and inequality.

Seems a few of the fans missed that memo.

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(off-campus)

aching azrael

zara zampaglione

Elect r ic l i g ht n i n g spa rk shock s y stem n i g ht sk y i n vei n s a s blue a s cloud s a nd vel vet locked i n bl a n kets of dust y for t u ne Ba n g! blue h a nd red f lushed blushed cheek s spea k none wea r it touch h is h a nd sk i n moist l iq u id ra i n dow n on h is e yes fool s pa rad ise d i ve a re bl i nd a nd sick a nd dea f a nd l i ke t he v ision of a hor se hol low hor se t i m id a s a mouse now f i ve f i n g er s t i mes t wo ten f i n g er s s weat s weet touch l i ke ice crea m ice i n a bat h I screa m bat h s clea n clea n sl ate g re y t i le cold a nd d a rk i n t he sk y l i g hts up i n a n elect r ic feel l i ke a n eel i n a d ay d a w n su n sk y t wo h a nd s br ush pa st contact at tack l i ke a n e ye contact detached we see wh at we d id he sa w wh at we d id e yes l i ke l a ser s red bu r n l i ke f i res ice cold f i res of h a zel e yes t he f i r st t i me ou r h a nd s meet it wa s a vel vet bl a n ket bl ack of blu r red sec u r it y a l l wa s lost i n ou r sou l s we d id not k now t h at we w i l l ne ver t r y to lea ve one a not her it wou ld n’t work because we were one vei n i n one a r m red a nd blue t r ick les dow n one bod y l i ke t he l i g ht n i n g l i g ht t h at st ray s f rom you r si g ht e ven when its g one con nected l i ke d ay a nd n i g ht cont rad ict ion s i n end less rel i g ion s of n a rcissism a nd c y n icism complement i n g each ot her prayer f l a g s Budd h ism h ate i n love a nd love i n ne w l i fe a nd red pea rl s of sof t dust d i ve i nto a bl i nd sea of sa meness he is me.

call to arms (a haiku by on dit) if you have a work of poetry or fiction send it to on dit (ondit@adelaide.edu.au)

bed at ten sam prendergast We’ll head to bed at ten and leave the door Ajar for pitter patter feet and hot, Damp paws on bellies. Wake at four and dress.

Re-dress the dressed before we dress ourselves, And feed the fed before the unfed war Is waged. A tic-toc gauge will sound, abound With warnings – warning day is near, now here.

Draw close to me, just quick, then rush away.

The memory of full breath will last the day And keep me, keep you – keep us keeping warm.

Sweet storm. A dream-dreamt rush to hush the din Of dawn. The day begins again, the blinds undrawn.

identity. samantha yeaman Aghast and strained for comfort, A masked pariah, seeking through the past In hunt of some great self truth; a task quickly abandoned.

If you are to play the part of the future You must play it well.

Do not kiss and tell All the childish vulnerabilities of youth.

The roses grew so high once, Looming over like a judge and jury Sentencing all to scent and pleasure.

When last visited, they limped, Frail and heartless - lost lambs.

Drowning in their dehydration.

The alive watch them die, And weep internally - for tears Are better spent on that which loves you back.

Crouching, spineless, filled with doubt,

You linger on; the sound of distant trains A common derailment in your mind.

Aromas hinting at your nostrils, Reminding you of your grandparents And bringing to flesh a grave guilt.

And are you your father’s child, or your mother’s?

Whose wretched sins have you adopted, Subconsciously as it sunk beneath your skin?

A fault, when traced, which lies within.

Await the chiming clocks, With the hands stroking the dial Clockwise, erotically, as if the two were lovers.

Their affair plays out slowly, Counting the rejections of your life.

Those that have been And those that are yet to be.

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(off-campus)

how to... relive your school experience Growing up is great. You can learn how to drive, you can go into movies without adult permission, and you can use your Tamagotchi whenever you damn well want to. But sometimes, independence and freedom can get you down, and for everyone going through their mid-uni crisis, here is a handy how-to guide—just in case you ever want to wind back the clock and re-live the days where life was ruled into fifty minute blocks in between recess and lunch.

clothing

accessories

gadgets and technology

Dress the same as all your friends.

So that you all look ‘uniform’, as it were. Works best if you accessorise with a hideous legionnaire’s hat, and encourage people to shout at you about ‘clothing infractions’. Forget to do up your top button? Left your blazer at home? Wearing sporting attire outside of university grounds?

Give yourself detention!

Go and find your pencil case. It doesn’t matter if all you need is a four-coloured pen and mechanical pencil with in-built eraser – how will your friends graffiti hilarious messages about you without one?

Also, how else will your store your graphics calculator (GC)?

Carefully hide your Tamagotchi in your desk. If it gets confiscated, your cat/baby/dinosaur could starve to death and you’ll be forced to re-start the game from the hatching egg stage. Make sure you feed it before lunch/recess otherwise you will seriously cut into your Lemmings/Kid Pix time in the computer room.

If you find yourself wearing casual clothes, shriek frantically at someone until they accept your gold coin ‘donation’. Make sure your casual clothes say ‘ROXY’ or ‘RIP CURL’ in giant letters. Laugh at the person who has forgotten and is still wearing their now incorrectlynamed ‘uniform’.

When it is time to get your braces tightened, make sure you get fluorescent coloured bands to rebel against uniform protocol. If a social is coming up, branch out into ‘glow in the dark’. Revel in your own attractiveness. Complete the look with a white-out manicure.

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(off-campus)

words: elizabeth flux

literature

food

social interactions

Read Looking for Alibrandi, Rowan of Rin and Tomorrow When the War Began. Get the words ‘Lee and Fi from Wirrawee’ stuck in your head for the next two weeks.

Eat your lunch at recess and then hate your life once 1:00pm rolls around. Alternatively, trade a fruit box and a muesli bar for a sandwich. Be jealous of your friend who is eating a stringer/Mammee Noodles/roll-up.

Debate with friends over which of you is going to marry Orlando Bloom.

Then, go to a ‘social’ and don’t speak to anyone other than people you see every day at school anyway.

Go to a ‘library lesson’ where the teacher patiently explains the plots of about twenty different books. Tense your muscles in anticipation of the huge rush of everyone towards the table as they violently compete for possession of that week’s ‘outstanding novel’.

Read aforementioned novel in your desk so as to get additional donations for the MS Read-A-Thon.

Unless it is Friday, in which case – LUNCH ORDER DAY! Order ‘party pies’ and frozen chocolate milk. Freak out that milk will not defrost sufficiently before lunchtime is over.

Go on a camping trip. Use a trangia. Fight over who is taking up too much room in the tent, then scream at the millipede invasion.

Don’t speak to your friend for a week because they took the window seat on the bus, despite it being your turn. Seek revenge by shuffling along the carpet and giving them an electric shock. Make up by passing notes and highlighting each other’s arms in class.

an open letter re: hub central.

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(miscellany)

Dear University of Adelaide, Hub Central was to revitalise student life at a University sorely lacking in charisma. It was billed as re-defining how students interact on campus. It certainly has done that. By the time I meet my friends there for study or lunch I am so bloody frustrated I take out my anger on them and all those around me. To put it bluntly, it is the best real-world example I can find of why being artistic means randomly throwing things across a room and where it lands is where it stays. The building lacks any rhyme or reason and is an affront to the building designers of a bygone era. I don’t say any of these things lightly. I was very much a supporter of the project and an advocate for its success.

Unfortunately, I am a turncoat.

A building so dysfunctional and useless may as well not exist. Sure you can make a toasted sandwich if you can’t afford the over-priced

nearby food options ($400 for a curry, are you fucking serious?) but the ability to be a home chef doesn’t make up for the fact that the Hub produces a bad scholar.

A distracted, irritated, infuriated, annoyed, scholar. Instead of spending your time going over your lecture notes for the day you instead spend it planning when and how you’re going to run out of the building before the inevitable stress breakdown. I’m not an artist. I am not a designer. But by the looks of things, you probably find yourself wishing that I’d designed the building. You can’t find shit and you can’t predict where things are going to be.

Don’t rely on the (rarely present) signage either. These signs, like the building in which they find themselves, are an exercise in mockery and a test of human patience so extreme that the SAS wants to see you once you leave.

If you’re not a broken man, you’ve got the skills to work with them.

You can forgo their usual soul-

crushing entry test. If you go into the Hub and make it out again sane, you’ve already passed.

It’s sincerely hard to believe that this building was a result of extensive consultations and planning. It just hasn’t translated on the ground. You know you’re going in the wrong direction design-wise when you need painted arrows on the floor reminiscent of a video game, to supposedly ‘guide’ you to where you want to go.

If you have a disability it’s even worse than for the rest of the student community. The ‘artistic’ seats that look like cardboard boxes, found on the entry level lack the back support required to even remotely contemplate staying put for the day and the elevators, when you can find them, don’t lead where you’d expect.

Finding an accessible bathroom is another challenge. Recently, I finally discovered where one was on the entry level; I had to

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(miscellany)

go through a maze of doors and twists and turns but there it was.

Finally! I am not the only person confused either. I frequently have people with disabilities approach me to find out where toilets are.

Until my recent discovery I had to direct them to Hughes, before asking them in a pleading tone ‘I was hoping you could tell me!’

Half of the Hub is essentially the library anyway, just with a few chairs thrown across one side of the room and few couches for ‘chillaxing’ chucked in there as well. It’s not identical of course. There’s now some useful multicolour painted silent rooms for group study, so when you’re the one bloke doing your group’s project you can give the illusion that you were fain to work together. I hope for your sake that the group is small and doesn’t mind being looked at over and over as people pass. The rainbow rooms do stick out like a sore thumb.

There’s a lot more computers too but you have to find the damn things. If you have a laptop and manage to find seating, you still need a power point. Which, I can only surmise based on their scarcity are prohibitively expensive and as rare as King Triton’s trident.

If you prefer the fresh air pull up a pew at the small number of tables available. If you get there at the crack of dawn you might find yourself a seat for lunchtime.

It strikes me that all of these problems could’ve been solved with a well-designed map and a little thought into the practical implications of following your artistic dreams. It’s good in theory superstar but it results in a hodge-podge mess on the ground.

It’s really not great.

My frustrations are compacted, I acknowledge, by the fact that every other person I see ADORES this building like it is one of God’s

last gifts to us before his assent into the heavenly realm. How can this be? Surely there are more of you out there that are as bitter as I am? Please do send a letter to On Dit saying so. It would make me feel so much better.

Regards, Sam

Got an open letter you need to send? It could be printed right here on this page. Send your open letter to anyone or anything to us: ondit@adelaide.edu.au. You vent that spleen. Vent it REAL GOOD.

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stuff you like

(miscellany)

nigella lawson: ben nielsen likes this.

womadelaide: seb tonkin likes this.

What’s not to love about the Queen of the Kitchen? Her brownie recipe is to die for and her chicken stuffing abilities are superb. Nigella has saved my neck on numerous occasions.

Another year, another Womad, another rollercoaster ride of ‘feeling not that enthusiastic about it until I get there’. Of course, you had your usual quote-unquote capital-letter ‘World Music’, but like always, there were a bunch of genuinely great performances. The ‘headlining’ spot going to the Dirty Three, rather than say, the Cat Empire (again) was a daring but successful move (despite the exodus of middle-agers in the first 15 minutes). Chapelier Fou (a loop-y violin guy from France) was another highlight, and Nile Rodgers’ band, Chic, killed it. To paraphrase the man himself: ‘wow, I forgot how many number ones I made, damn’.

With an entertaining use of language she has opened up my vocabulary to a whole new world of unnecessarily sensual verbosity. Only last night did I transform my bland beans into ‘plumptious beauties atop a slice of artisan sourdough’.

With her sass and sex appeal, Nigella could almost turn my train around.

My conclusion: Womad’s still got it so long as you’re at the right stage at the right time.

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(miscellany)

writing club: on dit likes this.

“dair”: sophie byrne likes this.

your submissions: on dit likes this

Turns out Adelaide uni was lacking a writers’ club.

Dan Humphrey and Blair Waldorf getting together is probably my favourite thing that’s ever happened on Gossip Girl, even better than Dan mistakenly raising the baby of Georgina Sparks and a Russian mobster, Blair’s coat collection and Dorota. I ship Dair so hard (Ed: wikipedia ‘Shipping (fandom)’); I hope they end the series with their wedding and a montage of all their best moments together. Dan brings out the best in Blair, he makes her happy. And after 4 seasons of watching Blair (clearly the best character on the show) pine over Chuck Basshole (essentially a poster boy for emotional abuse), I adore Dair.

Sharing is caring. If you like something, tell us about it here. Review anything at all, whether it sucked or blew your mind. You’ve got 50100 words and our email address is this: ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

Turns out that deficiency is being treated with the formation of “The Imaginary Friends Writers’ Club”.

Turns out they’re meeting on Friday April 20th from 12-1pm in the Clubs Association lounge room.

Turns out.

KGO.

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(columns)

this much of a role model MICHELLE BAGSTER flaunts her package.

I’m disappointed with models these days.

I realise there’s nothing new or unique about my disappointment, but I have a cool story to go with it, so don’t turn to the puzzle section just yet. Kay? I went to the Dolly magazine ‘Model Search’ the other day. It was truly academic, mind you. I did enter the competition, but it was in order to observe, not to be observed. I have no delusions of grandeur. Ok, maybe just a few...

But hear me out. I realize I’m not waif-thin or model pretty, but the information sheet that came with the entry form said that this time, for something different, they weren’t just looking for a pretty face.

They wanted a potential role-model, someone who promotes a healthy body image. This was a huge leap, and I was thrilled. They wanted the Whole Package.

And I have a pretty decent package (if you know what I mean).

Anyway, that’s why I got excited. I thought ‘hell yeah!’ I can totally kick ass when it comes to being a role model; if I was any healthier, my health would be an unhealthy obsession. I thought I might have trouble competing with my sister’s friend, who has kick-ass confidence that could whale on my own confidence, but I wasn’t worried about those typical Pretty Girls. I mean, where are their Packages?

I scoffed at the waif-thin wannabes with painfully pointy bones, in particular, one girl with xylophone ribs and a preppy skirt. Surely the judges would deem such girls unfit for modelling, what with their evidently unhealthy figures and less-than-unique style. I was wearing my kick-ass leggings that look like maps. Like maps, in all seriousness. They are my favourite pants ever, and they scream ‘Package!’

In a feminine way, of course.

And this is why I was disappointed when I saw the results of the competition. The girls deemed appropriate by the judges were called forward and given a gold ticket. Like Willy Wonka, but without the chocolate or personal growth. So pretty much nothing cool.

And the girls who got chosen had no Package. None at all. They were the skinny ones, the ones who looked like Miranda Kerr already. You could guess which one would be chosen before she was. There were no questions about being a role model, or being healthy.

And yes, when my sister’s kick-ass friend got no ticket, and Xylophone Ribs got one, I was pretty much happy to not even enter the competition. The fashion industry has a long way to go, if kick-ass girls like that are turned away.

There were lots of pretty faces scrunched up into sad expressions on the other side of that judging panel. Yes, pretty, but not supermodel pretty. They were real people; the kind that I thought could grace the covers of a glossy magazine and make readers go ‘Hey, if that’s pretty, I could work to get there myself.’

Especially if those models were kick-ass.

But I am glad I went, and braved the judges, and answered their question of ‘why do you want to be a model?’ with ‘to break the stereotype’. It was an experience. I met some lovely people who looked simply beautiful, and I learned that Dolly is just as primitive as it has always been. And, maybe more importantly, I managed to work the experience into a column. A column that made a whole bunch of Package innuendos without mentioning the word ‘penis’ even once. Aren’t you proud of me?

out of home laziness ROWAN SANDERS motivates the unwilling.

I’m all for laziness. It’s glorious. The ole poking at the TV power button with several rulers taped together, or the shooting out the light because you’re already in bed and the light switch is on the other side of the room. But what happens when you move out of home and you have to put up with the antics of an even lazier housemate? Restricting your laziness to your room is a social given, but how do you respond to someone who leaves dishes to rot for weeks on end?

Bear traps.

I wholly advocate bear traps.

When you think about the levels of crazy homicidal rage such living can eventually entail, a few hard lessons seems the appropriate course of action. And who can argue about a slightly maimed leg when it saved them a bullet to the head?

Placement of the bear traps is critical; fortunately you needn’t be too stealthy as the truly lazy will hardly spare the time to glance down on their short trip to either cupboard or fridge. Now remembering that bear traps are tripped by (bear size) pressure it is necessary to place the traps on the ground rather than in the fridge or cupboard. Your housemate will step on the trap and be trapped in hopefully what is the kitchen area with their two week old dishes which they should be easily coerced into doing in

payment for your taking them to the hospital. Make sure they do them first.

The second worst issue is eating space; generally a lazy person will dump whatever the hell they’ve been lugging around with them all day on whatever open space is most easily available. Annoyingly this is generally the kitchen table, and while they will happily eat off their pc keyboard, civilised people would not.

Bear traps.

Poisoned bear traps.

At this point you would think they have learnt their lesson, but on the off chance they manage to merely shrug off their bear trapping it is important to give it a bit more pizzazz in the engine department.

Poison ought to do. Actually. Check that. Lemon juice. That’ll fix em.

Remember, if that fails…

More bear traps.

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agon-dit aunt Dear Agondit Aunt, My housemate keeps stealing my milk. It’s really shitting me. What should I do?

Dairy Queen, Mitcham

Dear Dairy Queen, Firstly, your housemate is prettier than you. She has such great skin because she gets enough dairy in her diet.

Secondly, what you’re experiencing is known as the tragedy of the commons. Free access and unrestricted demand for a finite resource ultimately reduces the resource through over-exploitation, temporarily or permanently.

In need of advice, comfort, or the loveless embrace of cold academic explanation? Send your letters to ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

Agondit Aunt is here to help.

Hope this helps, AA Dear Agondit Aunt, I’ve been arrested with my friend, and been told that if I testify against my partner, but he doesn’t testify against me, then I will go free and my partner will go to jail for a year. If we both remain silent, we each spend only a month in jail. But if I testify against him, and he testifies against me, then we both go to jail for three months. What should I do?

Albert Tucker, Toorak Gardens

Dear Mr Tucker, Iterate.

Hope this helps, AA

Can you name everyone on the inside front cover? Post on our facebook wall: facebook.com/onditmagazine

on dit’s awkward sex crossword

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Across 1. Dishtowel of shame. (7) 3. We’ve all been there. (4) 7. Philial, rather than phobic. (6) 9. Get your phalanges into it. (9) 12. Pretty much everything but the main attraction. (8) 14. Forceful propulsion of happy liquids. (6) 16. Not a thing you want anywhere near your thing. (5) 17. Part them. (4, 8) 19. They fake this lots in Sex and the City.

(6) 22. Not something you want to hear your housemate doing. (5) 23. Although a common discourse between students, this course isn’t a course at uni.

Of course. (11) 25. It’s a majora feature. (5) 26. Tits on the internet... if you’re lucky.

(12) 29. The early bird often disappoints. (9) 30. The ability to masturbate successfully with both hands. (13) 36. One part disgusting, two parts

surcharge. (9) 37. Homonym of, but not to be confused with, ‘shit’. (4) 38. Comes in a tube. Rhymes with ‘tube’.

(4) 41. Mary had a little lamb, a holy son, and this. (9) 42. A physiological phenomenon in which the penis becomes enlarged and firm. (8) 43. Helps with DIY. (11) 44. Can break while horse riding. (5) 45. Possibly the most awkward sexual medium. (5) Down 2. Inny bits. Outy bits. Bits. (8) 3. Free. And hopefully as large, but hopefully not as carnivorous, as orca hero.

(5) 4. As ___ as an otter’s pocket. (3) 5. Vintage contraception with insertion visuals. (9) 6. The external genital organs of the female mammal. (5) 8. Like a hot injection of beef. (3, 4, 9)

(answers on page 4) 10. Fancy porn. (7) 11. Machine Gun ________. (8) 12. Did jew have one? (8) 13. You’re probably not flexible enough.

(4, 5) 15. Downstairs breath. (5) 18. For the cunning linguist. (11) 20. DIY. (12) 21. Cosmo says it’s hard to find. (5) 24. The pinnacle of action. Victory in bed.

(6) 27. Who’s your daddy? (7) 28. _____ _______ Zoo, sixth studio album

by NOFX. (5, 7) 31. An exclamation, most often consisting of a single word. Either an interjection, or a profanity, or both. (9) 32. Celebrity iDownfall. (5) 33. Sneaky exit. (9) 34. _______ Blues, 1981 Australian film.

35. Onomatopoeic sad times for the gentleman caller, fixed with a blue pill. (7) 39. Titties, hooters, ta-tas, bewbz. (7) 40. Franger, johnny, rubber, love glove. (6) 43. Stroke it till it purrs. (5)

uded. those ten to nd up ing or Sadly, na fide icians grees aggerPAGE truth.

48 – how ormal, e relaudent e and p, but of the nd the differgame . Even t they en the ragics

nt polI have nged. I o all of es, the ittees nions | s stuaking ly, I’ve ed as ence them and ter as ched d in a part e cost nt in thema has ell intchstem. eople ostthe n so make

tituThe ome iewinto o re-

Uniap-

Easier said than done, but the game needs to be tamed. In the meantime, when you see a depressed weary looking student with a folder full of university committee documents holding their head as they chain smoke and drink from a jug at the UniBar, you don’t have to respect them, but try saying something nice - or at least don’t heckle - and you will probably make their day.

retrospective - Paris Dean

From Volume 78, Issue 4, April 2010.

HOW LONG DO YOU GIVE FLETCHER AND LAVINIA’S MARRIAGE? (41 votes, totes) Until four o'clock tomorrow arvo: annulment FTW

President's Column

10%

State of the Union

Until AdelaideNow stop paying attention 22%

43

And so a new term begins. Having fun yet?

Well, winter’s on its way and pretty soon the Barr Smith Lawns will be an uninhabitable wasteland, so enjoy it while you can. Fingers crossed the Union Bookshop Cafe area will be opened as a student lounge pretty soon – watch this space.

On the 31st of March I got married at a Youth Allowance protest. Sound outrageous? Not really. Dating back from the seventies up until theCampus Howard era, classified ads appeared regularly in On Dit asking for interest in AUStudy, Youth Allowance or immigration marriages sometimes a combination. A former student the Chair of Union elected who stopped myActivities, new wife,currently Lavinia Emmettfrom theand Board, is directly elected at our elecGrey, I whilst on a stroll down the mall tions.

This has goalAUStudy for somemarriage years, butin recounted tobeen us hisaown was impossible under our old Constitution.

1972 (with a wife found through a classified in The has also OnRule Dit),concerning and of howhonorarium a female friend hadbeen marmodified and sent to University Beried a Pakistani while studying.Council.

She received fore Voluntary Student Unionism many student income support, while(VSU), the Pakistani positions within the AUU and its affiliates had received a passport and security from the | On Dit Magazine death threats he had in his home paid an honorarium forreceived the workback performed by country.elected The President of the Adelaide Universtudents to those positions.

This was sity Union (AUU) 1981 andexcept 1982, for Ken scrapped after VSUback for allinpositions AUU President, but this may not remain the McAlpine, told Lavinia and I that he served as case in the future. There was discussion last witness to numerous marriages of convenience year aboutcomplete reintroducing honorarium for On between strangers – Flinders and Dit editors, but in the end we could not afford Adelaide students would be randomly matched itup.

– even thoughto editors work sometimes scarIt sounded me like it was considered part ilyoflong hours get On DitAnd out.the So the changein the role ofto President.

President to1983 the Rule just reflects the changed was Julia Gillard. Hmm... maybecircumJulia has stance. been witness to some very convenient match- Fletcher O'Leary making?

We’ve had a fantastic response to the postgraduate survey that went out – to all the Next AUU Boardthis, meetings: postgraduates reading please fill it in so

Until they finally get out of student politics (15-20 years) 63% Forever: it's TRUE LOVE, cynics 5%

ON DIT wishes Fletcher and Lavinia a very happy two year anniversary.

Campus

the Chair of Union Activities, currently elected from the Board, is directly elected at our elections. This has been a goal for some years, but was impossible under our old Constitution.

The Rule concerning honorarium has also been modified and sent to University Council. Before Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU), many positions within the AUU and its affiliates paid an honorarium for the work performed by students elected to those positions. This was scrapped after VSU for all positions except for AUU President, but this may not remain the