CEECEE’S OVEN-BAKED COOKIES

Words by Jialun Qi

Ceecee enjoys baking cookies. She bakes them at a commercial kitchen run by Farquaad & Co., a local multinational conglomerate. Farquaad & Co. owns all the high-quality baking ovens, because they ran their competitors out of business a few years ago.

Lately, Ceecee has been having trouble with the ovens. More often than not, the machines become extremely hot or extraordinarily cold, and swing between very dry and very wet in a matter of weeks. Such extreme fluctuations have had a terrible effect on the cookies – Ceecee is not making as many as she used to, no matter how hard she tries. Unable to put up with it any longer, Ceecee confronts Mr. Farquaad, the owner of the kitchen.

“You need to fix your ovens,” Ceecee says.

“Why? They are not broken,” says Farquaad. “They are behaving erratically, and I think it’s because you’ve stressed their systems too much.”’

Farquaad crosses his arms. “Don’t tell me how to run my business. If you don’t like my ovens, go someplace else.” Farquaad strikes a reconciliatory tone. “OK. I hear what you are saying, and your concerns are important to us. I’ll convene a subcommittee to begin a bidding process for a twelve-part contract outlining the initial scope of the questions surrounding the behaviours of the ovens that may potentially exist.”

Ceecee shakes her head. “This is urgent. These extreme temperature fluctuations impact all of us. If things go on like this, I won’t be able to bake any more cookies.”

“So?” Scoffs Farquaad as he salivates at the quarterly earnings projections on his laptop. “I have enough cookies.”

“I know you do, but hundreds of millions of people poorer than you won’t.”

“That’s not my problem though, is it?”

Ceecee kicks Farquaad in the shins.

“Ow!” Farquaad exclaims. “You kicked me!”

“Does it hurt?” Ceecee asks.

“Of course it does!”

“Oh, does it?” Ceecee gasps megalomaniacally. “That’s not my problem though, is it?”

“It’s not my fault!” Farquaad asserts petulantly. “I just make ovens and let people use them. It’s the politicians that are supposed to make laws that regulate proper oven usage. I’m only following all relevant and applicable government regulations.”

Ceecee nods in agreement. “I’ll give them a call right now.”

“Well uh, sure, but they’re busy today.”

“How do you know?”

“I’m running a fundraiser for them. I was supposed to go but I’m dealing with you instead.” Farquaad frowns, non-verbally accusing Ceecee of wasting his valuable time. Grumbling, Farquaad clicks his screen until a picture of a smiling fern comes up. “Alright, fine. You’ve been with us a long time, Ceecee, and for our most trusted customers we have a solution.”

Farquaad shows Ceecee his screen.

“‘Oven-offsetting,’” Ceecee says.

Farquaad puffs out his chest proudly. “For every oven you use to bake cookies, we plant a fern in the state of Minnesota in the United States.”

“That,” says Ceecee, “makes no sense.”

“It makes every sense!” protests Farquaad. “For every allegedly bad thing that happens to the ovens, we plant a fern to offset it, so the overall balance is neutral, and no harm is done.”

“You know, Farquaad,” says Ceecee bookishly, “there is persistent concern of whether the offsetting of emissions that occurred elsewhere by, say, mass tree-planting is really effective at carbon sequestration, and if it is, whether the quality of carbon offset projects can be consistently met such that “I don’t know what any of that means,” Farquaad says blankly.

“I’m saying your fern-offsetting scheme is unproven and might not help out the ovens in real terms at all.”

“I only look at what’s on paper,” says Farquaad, “and on paper it looks fantastic, totally worth the commission fee, so I don’t know what your problem is.”

Ceecee sighs. She wants to kick Farquaad in the shins again, but she knows Farquaad will anticipate it this time and have security forcibly disperse her.

“You know, it doesn’t have to be this way,” she says. “You can make profit and Make Ovens Great Again at the same time. You have enough money and influence to do it.”

Farquaad shrugs, not caring now that Ceecee has become psychologically defeated. “Sure, but I can also use that money to make more money instead, and when I have more money than the money I have now, I’ll think about it.”

References Morningstar, K. T., 2009. Carbon offsets: examining their role in greenhouse gas reduction. s.l.: Nova Science Publishers, incorporated.