TACHE UP!
“If you know what’s good for you.”
Salty Sea Man As seen on: Captain Birdseye Associated with: Frozen produce, the whiff of fish, a nautical cap and groups of children. Verdict: You’ll end up looking like Harold Shipman crossed with a pedophile, not a good look in anybody’s book. If you grow one, remember to stay away from bingo halls and nurseries.
King of the Jews As seen on: Jesus Christ Associated with: Crown of thorns, huge crucifix, 9-inch nails. Verdict: Timeless. 2000 years later, from Lennon to the hobo this look is still going strong.
Italian Plumber As seen on: Super Mario Associated with: Mushrooms, pipes and psychedelic worlds. Verdict: Super Mario is a legend and so will you be if you grow this moustache.
Hammer-time As seen on: Peter Sutcliffe Associated with: False number plates, dead prostitutes, hammers and numerous failed appeals. Verdict: I think it’s safe to say that he’s a cunt and so is his moustache, capiche.
The Paint Brush As seen on: Adolf Hitler Associated with: Shit coloured uniform, crazy political ideas, fascism, iconic half-arsed salute and a stupid haircut. Verdict: Charlie Chaplin rocked it back in the early 20th Century, Hitler didn’t. Best only wear it for Dead Bastard Day.
What a Dick As seen on: Dick Dastardly Associated with: A dog called Muttley, Wacky Races, an elusive pigeon, evil schemes and badass vehicles. Verdict: He’s a loveable rogue, but the moral of the story is cheaters never win. Plus, he never did catch that fucking pigeon.
Terrorist As seen on: Osama Bin Laden Associated with: U.S Military Jacket, a turban, beetamax videotapes, kidney failure and living in caves. Verdict: They won’t let you take that rucksack and bottle of Lucozade onto the plane mate.
Frenchman As seen on: Men from France Associated with: A bicycle, a fag in the gob, a beret, wine, onions, frog’s legs, stripy tops and the smell of garlic. Verdict: French people are cool, sexy and sophisticated all at the same time. Phwoar, I’ll have some of that.
The Outlaw As seen on: Mexicans Associated with: A job at Wal-Mart, party food, lots of offspring, scruffy hair, bad American accent and swigging at a bottle of tequila. Verdict: Mexicans are always on wanted posters and having your face plastered everywhere sends you a bit loopy, just look at Susan Boyle.
© Adam Byrne 2010