Of or Relating to Buses and the People Who Frequent Them

Adam Lee Jones

Of or Relating to Buses and the People Who Frequent Them.

The Thoughts and Grievances of Being a Victim of Public Transport.

2011‐2013

Oct 2 2011 I'm now waiting for a bus; let's just hope that the bus station people don't get me.

Oct 24 2011 The bus driver on the First Bus advert is far too happy, far too happy indeed. Have you ever been on a bus? Because I have.

Oct 24 2011 The bus driver on the First Bus advert is far too happy, far too happy indeed. Have you ever been on a bus? Because I have.

Nov 9 2011 I'm on the bus, a woman is giving me the evil eye, I should avoid wearing such revealing clothing.

Nov 16 2011 A woman on the bus is a canine beautician. I want to be a potato beautician, it seems equally as pointless.

Nov 20 2011 We are on a bus and we are approaching Dewsbury. I say "We", but it's just me and all of the people that I'm sat with. They are all strangers chasing after the same dream, and that dream is Dewsbury.

Nov 21 2011 I’m on a bus. A child is waving at the bus; he has yet to learn that buses cannot wave.

Nov 21 2011 I’m on a bus. A woman gets on the bus, we exchange a glance. It is like a kiss, but with the eyes.

Nov 22 2011 I am waiting for a bus. A young man listens to rock music, an old man looks me up and down with disgust. I am in Thornhill.

Nov 22 2011 The bus will be two minutes. There is a lot you can do in two minutes, kill a man with your bare hands for instance.

Nov 22 2011 I'm on a bus. The bus driver is a man who doesn't take shit from anybody, only money (for bus tickets).

Nov 22 2011 Buses are God's way of telling us that he'll get us there on time.

Nov 23 2011 I’m on a bus. The prices on the bus go up, up, up.

Nov 23 2011 I’m on a bus. There are new ticket machines on the bus. The bus driver caresses it as if it was his newly born son, he loves his job.

Nov 23 2011 I’m on a bus. The bus driver presses all the right buttons, he has to, it's is his job to do so.

Nov 23 2011 A man with a tribal tattoo on his face was behind me in the bus queue. He asked for a ticket to England. This is a bus, not a plane.

Nov 23 2011 I’m on a bus. In a metaphorical sense we are all on buses.

Nov 23 2011 I’m on a bus. A woman gets on the bus, I smell her hair. She is unaware.

Nov 23 2011 I’m on a bus. The man who is sat next to me is comparing bus tickets; he can't believe they've changed. Mate, you better believe it. He is drunk and talking to himself.

Nov 23 2011 He's now eating crisps; I think he found them down the side of a seat. He hasn't offered me one.

Nov 23 2011 He's now opened a bottle of wine; I think he is celebrating actually making it onto the bus.

Nov 23 2011 He has sweets; this guy is on the bus until the bitter end.

Nov 25 2011 I’m on a bus. The bus driver has just waved at another bus driver. I like to imagine that they've both had sex with the same woman and are congratulating one another.

Nov 27 2011 Somewhere on this bus there is a tiny violin playing just for me.

Nov 29 2011 I’m on a bus. We're in the part of Thornhill where the windows steam up on the bus ‐ the sexy part.

Nov 30 2011 I’m on a bus. A man runs for the bus as if it was a woman leaving him for good. It wasn't his bus.

Dec 3 2011 I'm on a bus with the early morning brigade. I feel like I'm part of a secret club ‐ it's beautiful.

Dec 4 2011 I’m on a bus. A man gets on the bus, he looks like Vanilla Ice (if Vanilla Ice had been born in Dewsbury).

Dec 6 2011 I'm on a bus. A man with a mullet has just been called a Muppet. He looked like he was from the Jim Henson Workshop too.

Dec 7 2011 I’m on a bus. A man mumbles garbled English, we do not understand. He could have told us the meaning of life or the secrets of the universe and we wouldn't have known.

Dec 14 2011 I’m on a bus. A hard‐faced woman gets on the bus, she looks like Shirley from Eastenders.

Dec 14 2011 A man gets on the bus and he looks like a shrew, his girlfriend looks like a shrew too ‐ I think this is what they call incest.

Dec 18 2011 I like buses because they fit more people on than, say for example, tractors.

Dec 18 2011 I'm on a bus. A man who looks like a dishevelled Santa Claus is driving.

Dec 18 2011 On the bus, a man drops his change like he might drop a beat. Awry.

Dec 22 2011 Me and the guy opposite me are eager to get off this bus and get to our destination. I will probably never see him again and this makes me sad. I've enjoyed the brief time we've had together but one bus journey is it, we are destined to part. Farewell old man with a book inside a newspaper, I will always remember you.

Dec 22 2011 Last bus home. This is it, I'm now part of the Last Bus Gang. You're either on the bus or you're not on the bus, simple as that.

Dec 22 2011 This old man on this bus has gone crazy, he's took his shirt off and is now challenging the bus driver to a fight. If this is what the Last Bus Gang entails I'm out.

Dec 22 2011 The bus driver has now been beaten to a pulp, the old man says we're going to get high and fuck some bitches. I'm scared, someone please send help.

Dec 22 2011 The old man has just shown me a big wad of cash, he says if I kick this kid's face off he'll treat me to a Nando's.

Dec 22 2011 The old man has supplied us all with child's trikes, he says we should spread out and not show any mercy.

Dec 23 2011 I'm covered in blood and what the old man told me was war paint, I fear it may be faeces. I'm shaking with terror, I just want to be home.

Dec 23 2011 I can hear the old man wailing maniacally in the distance. A bloodcurdling scream rings out, I fear another person has been a victim of the old man's terrible campaign of fear. I should never have got on that fucking bus, when will I ever learn?

Dec 23 2011 I take off my shoes and pray to the heavens, I just want this nightmare to end. I rub my face in the dirt for lack of anything else to do... the cold, moist blades of grass being the only thing I could feel upon my beautiful, glorious, movie star‐esque face.

Dec 24 2011 I will soon be on a bus. After the horrific ordeal of last night I'm beginning to wonder whether it is really worth it.

Dec 24 2011 I'm on a bus. An elderly woman opens a pack of tissues and doesn't offer me one. Cameron's Big Society has failed.

Dec 29 2011 I'm on a bus. A jelly baby lies motionless on the floor, it wasn't meant to be this way.

Dec 29 2011 I’m on a bus. A woman gets on the bus with her child, her child looks like a purple goblin. Her child doesn't understand my words "We don't want your kind here". The woman slaps me hard across the face. I realise the error of my ways and offer money as way of an apology, I then remember that work hasn't paid me.

Dec 29 2011 I’m on a bus. In the 'Used Tickets' bin there is a Satsuma peel and an empty packet of bread. The bus drivers of Dewsbury now accept food and sexual favours as payment, but mostly food.

Dec 29 2011 I’m on a bus. A man in a sheepskin coat stands up and whispers something to the bus driver, as a result the bus driver cannot drive under 45mph otherwise the whole bus will explode.

Dec 29 2011 The man in the sheep skin coat open the doors using the emergency button, he rolls down the road like a man rolling down a road.

Dec 29 2011 I volunteer to jump off the bus first, with being the only tax payer on the bus I am a valuable asset to the town of Dewsbury.

Dec 30 2011 I'm on a bus. What would we be without buses? On time, probably.

Dec 31 2011 I'm on a bus. We're hurtling down a road at a billion miles an hour. Go bus, go.

Dec 31 2011 I know there has been a comedy about buses, but has somebody ever made a heartfelt drama about a bus? I believe buses to be beings that are capable of both love and pain.

Jan 2 2012 A woman on the bus repeated the question "Do you like steak?" three times over the phone, she then promptly hung up. She is a chav, I think 'steak' is the street name for 'fish fingers'.

Jan 2 2012 I’m on a bus. We are now entering Batley. It’s like Dewsbury, but not quite.

Jan 2 2012 There is a woman on this bus who looks like Chris Evans, she could go far with a talent like that.

Jan 2 2012 I’m on a bus. A ride on this bus cost me £3.00. £2.00 a week could save an old woman from dying, so the fundraiser told me. For the price of a ride on this bus I could have saved one and a half old women. "Do the math!"

Jan 2 2012 I’m on a bus. I have salami and bacon in my bag, I missed one bus by going to get it. It was exactly like that scene in 'Billy Liar', but I was running for a bus and my girlfriend was looking on laughing as I ran hopelessly for the bus.

Jan 3 2012 The price of a day ticket has gone up on the bus; I suppose that's the price I pay for travelling in style.

Jan 7 2012 I'm on the last bus home. There is a man challenging people to fight him, he reckons he is the hardest man on the planet.

Jan 7 2012 I stand up and throw down my flat cap and state, "If you wanna fight on my turf then so be it".

Jan 7 2012 I kick him in the groin and shove a scrunched up McDonald's bag down his throat, he falls to the floor. He stops breathing, I think he is dead.

Jan 7 2012 A police car tails the bus, I tell the bus driver to step on it if he ever wants to see his kids again. He does as he is told, we are now on a country lane.

Jan 7 2012 There is just me and the bus driver on the bus, we say we're going to start a new life for ourselves. I tell him I have a wife and kids back home who are waiting for me to get back safe. He says he does too, we reverse the bus and head back to the town of broken dreams, Dewsbury.

Jan 7 2012 Me and the bus driver make a pact to keep on driving until our eyes start to bleed or the bus runs out of petrol.

Jan 8 2012 I'm on a bus heading towards Dewsbury. Jesus once came to Dewsbury, it was while he was carrying the cross. He took one look at Dewsbury and thought "Fuck it, just crucify me", and so they did.

Jan 8 2012 I’m on a bus. A woman takes pictures of her child on the bus, it's understandable because going on a bus is a big event.

Jan 8 2012 I'm on a bus. There is a puddle of liquid, I think it's blood.

Jan 8 2012 The bus driver staggers out of his cabin holding onto his chest, he lets out a yelp. He falls of the bus like a man falling off a bus.

Jan 8 2012 The bus patrons look on in horror, they scream and begin to pray. I state that my dad drove buses so it is in the genes. I take to the wheel like a man taking to the wheel.

Jan 8 2012 I have no idea how this will end, I would just like to say that it has been a pleasure and a privilege.

Jan 8 2012 I reassure everybody that the seaside will take their mind off things and we won't have to think or go back to Dewsbury. The people look at me blankly, Dewsbury has already got them. They don't understand a world outside of Dewsbury.

Jan 8 2012 "The seaside, what is that?" a man interjects. "It is a place of golden sands, ice cream and topless ladies," I say. I may be exaggerating but I'm the best they've got.

Jan 8 2012 A man has a McDonald’s bag with probably something in. When we get to the seaside he will be the first to 'go'...

Jan 8 2012 I realise that I have a wife and kids at home who love me dearly, the seaside will have to wait. I've got a plane to catch.

Jan 11 2012 I’m on a bus. I wanted to get into college early today, but life doesn't work like that and neither do buses.

Jan 11 2012 I’m on a bus. A man on the bus scrambles in his pocket for his day ticket. He holds the bus up, not with a gun but with his incompetence.

Jan 12 2012 I'm on a bus. Some people are talking about football; a man says he doesn't like football, he is treated like a leper.

Jan 12 2012 I’m on a bus. A girls gets on the bus, she looks like she's had a rough night. This is Thornhill; she's had a rough life.

Jan 12 2012 I’m on a bus. An old woman gets on carrying what appears to be a suitcase on wheels, this is no ordinary suitcase on wheels. This is an old woman's shopping device.

Jan 12 2012 I’m on a bus. A man throws what can only be described as shit at the bus.

Jan 12 2012 I’m on a bus. A bus passes bearing the words 'Driver Under Instruction'. This is a special bus, the driver of whom has been called by God. Bus drivers are celestial beings; you'd do well to remember that.

Jan 15 2012 I'm on a bus. There is only me on it, the bus driver gets out of his cabin to change drivers and asks if I'll be okay to sit and wait. I say that I'll be fine, on reflection I think I've missed my chance to see what goes on behind the scenes. I like to imagine if I wasn't alright to sit and wait he'd take me into their special room for a cup of hot chocolate.

Jan 17 2012 A man with a very gelled head of hair sits in front of me on the bus, he looks like he's in a gang that roams the streets on a nightly basis. His hair is exactly how I would imagine the Devil would style his hair.

Jan 19 2012 I'm on a bus. A man has a shopping bag and looks at me as if to say "You don't have a shopping bag therefore you're not worthy to travel on this bus", I don't correct him.

Jan 19 2012 I’m on a bus. This bus ride could end one of two ways, either I could get to my destination or I could not.

Jan 19 2012 I saw an Eskimo get on the bus at Batley the other day; it's hardly surprising given how cold buses are.

Jan 20 2012 I’m on a bus. A man gets on the bus, he has a McDonald's supper. This is standard fare for Thornhill.

Your taxes paid for this.

Jan 21 2012 I'm on a bus. The bus driver sighs because we all have bus passes, he doesn't understand the concept of saving money.

Jan 21 2012 I’m on a bus. An elderly man gets on the bus and strokes a teenagers face, this is called 'grooming'.

Jan 21 2012 I’m on a bus. The elderly man and the teenager get off at the same stop, I hope they have condoms.

Jan 21 2012 I’m on a bus. The bus driver picks up his paper and sets it aflame, he says the Metro is full of wanky bollocks and you'd do well to remember that. He then gauges out his own eyeballs, he does not state a reason for this.

Feb 3 2012 I'm on a bus, a man is wearing a pork pie hat. It's a hat made of pork pies, who am I to judge?

Feb 8 2012 Buses help you to see the world in a different way, they're a bit like drugs in that respect. Although I wouldn't advocate drugs, whereas buses, I'm behind them 100%. Vote for buses.

Feb 8 2012 This morning I threw away every tissue that I had in my pockets despite still having a cold. I'm now on a bus without a tissue, I've resorted to using my sleeve. Every cloud.

Feb 8 2012 I’m on a bus. The bus driver sighs the sigh of a thousand horny koalas masturbating in unison, either that or he is tired.

Feb 8 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman gets increasingly annoyed about her son playing with a toy gun. He has just shot his sister and declared her to be "dead".

Feb 8 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman is unable to control her kids; it is like watching David Cameron in charge of the country.

Feb 11 2012 Simon: This bus is pretty slow, is it scared of black ice or something? Adam: No, it's just scared about what you'd do to it if it sped up.

Feb 17 2012 I'm on a bus. A man talks about eating a slice of burnt toast and a having a mint afterwards, I think he's what people would define as 'a visionary'.

Feb 17 2012 I'm on a bus. 'The Visionary' talks about a man called 'Tiny Legs’; I think this is the person he's going to meet once he gets off the bus. 'Tiny Legs' is possibly a drug dealer.

Feb 18 2012 I'm on a bus, it is God's preferred method of transport. They may be inefficient, unreliable and shoddy but that is just God's way. He got a D in Maths.

Feb 19 2012 I'm on a bus, a child complains that they are still hungry. This is Thornhill; the child has never tasted a proper meal. Turkey Twizzlers and Micro Chips is not a substantial meal.

Feb 19 2012 A woman recites what seems to be a shopping list to the bus driver, it isn't a shopping list she just has a hard time remembering and a lot of kids. They make it onto the bus, the woman has passed the test, by "passed the test" I mean "paid their fare".

Feb 24 2012 I’m on a bus. A man with a crutch looks at me wth menacing eyes. I fear I won't survive the night.

Feb 24 2012 The man looks like he can do some damage with the crutch. He raises the walking aid high above his head and strikes the bus driver. Dentures fly out and hit 'The boy with the Adidas bag in the face'.

Feb 24 2012 I pick the dentures up thinking they will come in useful later. The bus driver drives off, he may be bruised and he may be battered but he has a job to do.

Feb 24 2012 We are in Savile Town when the man with the crutch speaks, he addresses us all and says 'No one gets out of here alive'. I am reminded of the '5 to 1' Jim Morrison lyric and we both sing a duet.

Feb 24 2012 After singing 'The End' the man with the crutch's intention becomes all to clear. He's going to kill us all and indeed that will be 'The End'. I cannot let this happen so I reach for the dentures inside my pocket and drag out his left eye. Nobody dies on my watch.

Feb 24 2012 We roll him off the bus outside The Nelson Inn. He'll get home alright, people are good in Thornhill Lees. Sure they might spit on him and break a few of his bones but they'll get him home, minus his wallet.

Feb 28 2012 I'm on a bus. The bus driver spoke like he was selling fish and chips, you know the voice people who sell fish and chips have? Well he had it.

Feb 28 2012 The bus driver drives off without passengers, despite the fact we have a bus to catch. I like to imagine he left the bath running or the gas on and as a moment of madness has decided to drive his bus home to check. There is no other explanation.

Feb 28 2012 A shiny new double‐decker pulls up, I exaggerate the words 'shiny' and 'new'. I think Arriva bought the bus a long time ago and has just put it into service. Same interior, but it has leather seat sand is bigger than the average bus. More news as it comes in.

Mar 1 2012 This bus driver is worse at Maths than me, God help us all. This is going to be a long bus journey if he keeps having to use his abacus.

Mar 1 2012 The bus driver can't drive the bus let alone add up change, I fear we are all doomed.

Mar 1 2012 I'm on a bus. The bus driver has ran out of change, he ran out of brains a long time ago.

Mar 1 2012 I'm on a bus. Two children fight whilst there mum pays their fare. Remember that show Robot Wars? Well it's like that but instead of robots it's children.

Mar 1 2012 I've just seen Simon Well's zooming past my bus on his bike. His chiselled jaw must be very aerodynamic.

Mar 1 2012 I've reached my destination and have vacated the bus. Thank you and good night.

Mar 6 2012 There is a bus opposite me that says 'The people on this bus are travelling with Arriva Yorkshire' on its side. I imagine the people on it have done bad things in a previous life to warrant travelling with Arriva Yorkshire.

Mar 6 2012 I'm on a bus. I look down to find that I've split my trousers. I wonder what I could have possibly been doing to split my trousers. I stop wondering, because what I was doing isn't even legal.

Mar 6 2012 I'm on a bus. A man talks about stroking a dog, I think it's a euphemism for his penis Mar 6 2012 I carry people but I don't have arms. I'm sometimes early and I'm sometimes late. I can go fast, but I always go slow. A song has been written about me and I smell of piss. What am I?

Mar 7 2012 I'm on a bus and I have a split in my trousers. I'm sat facing the people on the bus, I feel like I should do a dance or something.

Mar 9 2012 Somebody has decided to put more coal into the bus's furnace. We're going a lot faster now.

Mar 9 2012 A woman struggles up the aisle of the bus as it is moving. It is like watching Pat Sharp's Fun House, she even has a mullet.

Mar 15 2012 I'm on a bus. A man sucks on one of those nicotine inhalers; it looks like he is sucking on a tampon.

For all I know it could be a tampon, we are in Thornhill.

Mar 15 2012 I’m on a bus. If you are on the bus at this time you are either a pensioner, late for college, on the dole or as this man is doing, going to CEX to flog some XBOX 360 games (probably to buy drugs, don't quote me on that).

Mar 19 2012 I’m on a bus. A woman gets on the bus, she has wet hair. Either it has been raining, she has had a shower or her husband has took a piss on her; he looks like that kind of man.

Mar 20 2012 I’m on a bus. A woman is on the bus and at everything she looks at she looks lost and confused. I take it that she has never been to Thornhill before and knows nothing of our customs.

Mar 21 2012 I'm on a bus. Two old ladies kiss one another goodbye, if I was a certain type of man I would think that this was hot stuff.

Mar 23 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman looks at a travel brochure, I don't know why she's tormenting herself like this; she'll never leave Dewsbury.

Mar 23 2012 I ask the woman if she'll take me on holiday, she tells me to "Get fucked". There is a heated exchange of words until we are seperated by the bus driver.

Mar 23 2012 The bus driver tells me that he pulled me away from the altercation because he has always fancied me and asks if I would like a piece of him.

Mar 23 2012 I tell the bus driver that as much as he may be a demon between the sheets, I cannot. I'm involved with someone, not physically but intimately. He tells me that I'm lying and we both give in to fate.

Mar 23 2012 A policeman climbs on board the bus and tells us to stop. I may or may not be on drugs.

Mar 24 2012 Last bus home, I wonder what clowns will be on this bus.

Mar 24 2012 I’m on a bus. A man wants to go to Batley. He's missed the bus. Many men want to get to Batley, many men go to Batley, not many men return from Batley.

Mar 24 2012 I’m on a bus. ASDA lurks in the distance like a capitalist albatross. Oh Asda, glaring at me from beyond the distance, will you ever stop?

Mar 24 2012 Thornhill is flooded, we take a different route. The bus driver promises that he'll get me home safe. I don't believe him, he has shifty eyes.

Mar 24 2012 The bus driver begins to have a fit. He's doing a poltergeist voice. I'm scared.

Mar 24 2012 He says that by the time he's done with me I'll be drinking soup through a straw.

Mar 24 2012 I aid him out of his cabin and place him down near the door. I open the doors and push him out. He rolls down the road like a man rolling down the road.

Mar 24 2012 He jumps to his feet and begins to chase the bus. I tell myself he won't go far because I have his shoes. I don't have his shoes.

Mar 24 2012 I sniff his shoes and everything goes blank.

Mar 26 2012 I'm on a bus. We take a different route because Thornhill Lees is still flooded, probably with the tears of the people who live there.

Mar 27 2012 I'm on a bus. A man wears a cowboy hat, I feel that he is trying to make some kind of visual pun about Dewsbury.

Mar 29 2012 I'm on a bus. A man says that his wife thinks he's having an affair. The only affair he'll be having is walking the one‐man highway with me if he keeps up this game.

Apr 17 2012 A man waits for a bus. He is dressed like a Victorian gentleman, he carries a long cane and wears a top hat. This is 1856, buses haven't been invented yet.

Apr 17 2012 I'm on a bus. A child is eating a packet of crisps, this constitutes as his main meal of the day. I am in Thornhill.

Apr 17 2012 A woman runs for a bus in Thornhill, she leaves behind her a trail of slime.

Apr 17 2012 I'm on a bus. A man gets on who looks like he's been hit by one.

Apr 17 2012 I'm on a bus. A man nearly missed his stop, it's a good job he attracted the bus driver's attention.

That was a close one.

Apr 18 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman has in her hand a pregnancy pack, these are standard issue in Dewsbury.

Apr 18 2012 I'm on a bus. Everybody on this bus looks like they're off the set of a made for TV drama about coal mining, including me.

Apr 19 2012 I'm on a bus. The incestuous brother and sister shrimp duo get on, I've talked about the them before.

Apr 19 2012 I'm on a bus. I'm the only person not wearing a shell suit, I'm in Thornhill.

Apr 21 2012 I'm on a bus. I have brie; the people of Thornhill have never been exposed to a cheese other than 'Singles'.

May 3 2012 I'm eating a chicken, bacon and mayonnaise sandwich while going around Thornhill on a bus. The locals must think I'm a revolutionary, they're used to the staple diet of Micro Chips, baked beans and Turkey Twizzlers.

May 5 2012 I'm on a bus. I show my pass to the bus driver, he strokes my hand. This is a first. I have a bus pass, there is no reason for him to stroke my hand.

May 5 2012 He escorts me off the bus and takes me to the back room. He shows me things I've never seen before, I'm pretty sure you won't have seen them either.

May 5 2012 He tells me to take a seat while he gets into something a little more comfortable. He asks me how I like his invisible suit, I reply "It's nice."

May 5 2012 He grabs my hand and forces me to touch him, I wince and black out. There is a strange salty taste in my mouth, I put it down to the McDonald's I ate prior to this unspeakable act.

May 7 2012 I'm on a bus. A man says that he once worked unsociable hours. People stop being sociable after a certain time.

May 7 2012 I'm on a bus. A young boy tells his younger brother to sit down because the police are coming. Ah, the 'sit down police', me and them have had a few run ins in the past. You'd be forgiven to think they don't exist.

May 8 2012 I'm on a bus. A man gets on, he looks like an angry chip.

May 8 2012 I'm on a bus. A man misses his bus, he stares blankly as it drives away. It's as if he is seeing the love of his life leaving him for another man, a better man, a banker, with a sports car, who earns a fuck load more money.

May 8 2012 I'm on a bus. A man with a wheely zimmerframe stands up while the bus is still moving, even I know that this is a foolhardy idea; this is how he gets his kicks. I'm relieved he got off safely, he shouldn't be trying that trick again, he had me worried there for a second.

May 15 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman tells the bus driver that she's pressed the bell, this is how it's done in Thornhill. Electricity is yet to be introduced.

May 15 2012 I'm on a bus. A man gets off the bus wearing some tracksuit bottoms that say 'American Life' on them, this is a wise move on his part because nobody wants 'Thornhill Life' written on their tracksuit bottoms.

May 16 2012 I've been to Liverpool, London and Spain but the people in Dewsbury are certainly something else. I was on the bus the other day and a old man's trouusers fell down, I managed to restrain myself, but the point is that it wouldn't have happened anywhere else. I like to imagine that when God created Dewsbury he had a heart attack just before it was complete, nothing else could possibly explain why Dewsbury is so strange.

May 18 2012 I'm on a bus. The blue rinse brigade gets on, if you don't know who they are count yourself lucky; they're a pack of thugs.

May 18 2012 I'm on a bus. We've reached full capacity, the bus sails past the people of Thornhill Lees. I've been waiting a long time for this moment.

May 22 2012 I'm on a bus. Never have seen such varying degrees of evolution.

May 22 2012 I'm on a bus. We pass a place called QFC, it stands for Quality Fried Children ‐ it's Thornhill's finest eating establishment.

May 25 2012 I'm on a bus. A man smells like Dewsbury Bus Station toilets, my Grandma used to smell of incontinence. I imagine they'd have a lot in common, if she was alive.

May 27 2012 I'm on a bus. We will soon be entering Chickenley, oh wonderful Chickenley. A child once threw a piece of cheese at me there, figures because if you've seen me you'd probably think I calcium deficiant. God has a holiday home in Chickenley, the people who live there are not only beautiful, but friendly, hospitable and a welcoming bunch of guys.

May 30 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman drops her tobacco, a man tells her to which the woman responds, "I drop everything". She's telling the truth, her face looks like a dropped meat pie.

May 30 2012 I'm on a bus. A man has an ASDA carrier bag, inside it he has 3 Muller fruit corners and a McDonalds.

This is equivalent to champagne and caviar, we are in Dewsbury.

Jun 6 2012 I'm on a bus. A mother and child eat sesame bread sticks, someone should do a painting of this. I imagine Henry Moore would have made a sculpture of it, but he's dead and not on this bus.

Jun 6 2012 I'm on a bus. An old man has just made the sound a straw makes when you suck up a drink but don't have any drink left to suck up. This is what straw evolve in to, old men who make the sound a straw makes when you suck up a drink but don't have any drink left to suck up.

Jun 13 2012 I'm on a bus. Two women get on, they are both sisters. One looks to be jealous of the other sister being better looking; it's the only thing that can explain the permanent look of dissatisfaction on her face.

Jun 13 2012 I'm on a bus. I still smell like a muddy field, if you need a frame of reference it's like the smell of Dewsbury but not as intense. Put it this way, it's masked by the foul stench of everybody else.

Jun 13 2012 I'm on a bus, a man holds a can of fly spray. You may not think this is all that interesting, but that's his dinner.

Jun 13 2012 I'm on a bus. I'm on the wrong bus.

Jun 15 2012 I'm on a bus and I really need a poo. It was either miss the bus and have a poo, or catch the bus and hold it in; I opted for the latter. When I get to college and have a poo, man, it's going to be so euphoric.

Jun 15 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman has a carrier bag full of Mariner's Pie and a vat of chocolate spread. All I can say is I'm glad I'm not her husband.

Jun 18 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman reads a kindle, I think this is some sort of visual pun because people from Thornhill can't read.

Jun 18 2012 I'm on a bus. Two girls eat a McFlurry, it's a bit like Two Girls One Cup. Only much more excruciating to watch.

Jun 18 2012 I'm on a bus. I see a woman and her children throwing bread into the River ASDA, I think somebody should tell them that the ducks that lived there have long since died. If they carry on doing this every day it'll just be a sea of bread, and nobody wants that.

Jun 18 2012 I'm on a bus. I overhear a conversation about a boy I used to know being in prison and never having a shower. I knew him when I was 12 and he never had a shower then. He only doesn't have a shower because he doesn't know what one is.

Jun 20 2012 I'm at a bus stop. Three women walk past, they are sisters. They're also daughter, mother, grandmother. I'm in Thornhill.

Jun 20 2012 I'm on a bus. A group of passengers get on, they look like a motley crew. They wouldn't think twice about chopping your arms off and feeding them to you. The leader of the gang is a grey‐haired woman, she's approximately 5ft 4in, I'd say she's around 65‐70. She looks like she has a cloud sellotaped to her head and could break every bone in your body. Watch out if you're hanging around Thornhill Lees today, do not approach her. She could be armed.

Jun 20 2012 I'm on a bus. An old man has in his carrier bag, beef stew and dumplings. It's heartbreaking. I'd offer him some sausage, but the last time I offered sausage to someone I was told to give it to somebody who wants it. Nobody wants any sausage off me.

Jun 21 2012 I'm on a bus. It's raining and Have You Ever Seen the Rain? by Creedence Clearwater Revival is playing. Somehow, Eve of Destruction by Barry McGuire would be more appropriate with this being Thornhill.

Jun 21 2012 I'm on a bus. Everybody is silent apart from the bus driver who is speaking in tongues. I fear I may never get off this bus...

Jun 21 2012 I'm on a bus. The bus driver tells me to repent my sins otherwise I'll burn in Hell along with Saddam Hussein and Ted Rogers. I'm a good guy, I'm a Christian. I've never committed a sin in my entire life.

I'm as pure as the driven snow.

Jun 21 2012 I'm on a bus. A man catches me looking at his wife and asks me to explain myself. I tell him that I was born in Dewsbury in the summer of 1990. The son of a milkmaid, and a barber. We never had much money but we were happy, things soon began to change when Dad saw that UFO, he was never the same again...

Jun 22 2012 I'm on a bus. The rain outside is intense and if I didn't know any better I'd say it's been like this all day. Buses are a haven for people like me, people who like buses.

Jun 22 2012 I'm on a bus. The woman in front of me wipes away the condensation from the window, immediately she regrets her decision. Thornhill, a sight that nobody should ever see whether they are young or old.

Jun 25 2012 I'm on a bus. Not many people know this but I like buses. In fact, if a bus was a woman I would make sweet love to it.

Jun 25 2012 I'm on a bus. A man stands at the chats to the bus driver; they could either be friends or lovers.

Don't ask me how I know but the love of my life is going to be a bus driver.

Jun 27 2012 I'm on a bus. I have what I like to call a 'Passport to Paradise', also known as an Arriva Day Ticket.

Jun 27 2012 I'm on a bus. It's warm outside and I have on a woolly jumper, you may be thinking 'Has Adam Byrne gone mad?' But the reason is it's to protect me from the radiation of Dewsbury. You can't be too careful in this game, the bus game.

Jun 27 2012 I'm on a bus. The man in front of me has white hair, it looks like ice‐cream or mash potato; I can't decide which.

Jun 27 2012 I'm in the bus station. Two bus drivers argue over who is driving the bus. I sometimes have the exact same argument with Simon Wells when we set up all of the chairs from the kitchen and play bus drivers.

Jun 27 2012 I'm on a bus. There are a lot of people on this bus. Thornhill is exactly like that place in Switzerland, Dignitas.

Jun 27 2012 I'm on a bus. This bus driver is an absolute tool, definitely not marriage material.

Jun 28 2012 I'm on a bus. A lifeguard gets on, unlike your average lifeguard the lifeguards of Dewsbury don't save people from drowning in water. The lifeguards of Dewsbury save people from drowning in their soup and their own self‐pity.

Jun 28 2012 I'm on a bus. Simon Wells is on the same bus, his chiselled jaw has attracted a lady. Maybe I could pick up some tips from the Love Guru himself.

Jun 28 2012 I'm on a bus. For once I have bought a proper meal, frozen garlic bread, tinned Thai green curry, and rice. It's moderately better than the man in front of me, his dinner is 20 cans of Carlsberg. I've always been a fan of a liquid lunch.

Jun 30 2012 I'm on a bus. I'm the oldest person on this bus and it's a really strange feeling. Technically I'm responsible for everybody on this bus, which means if anybody grazes their knees it is my arse on the line.

Jun 30 2012 I'm on a bus. A boy and a girl talk amongst themselves; I interrupt with the story about the time when I was lost in Brighouse because I got on the wrong train. They ask me if I'm on drugs, it's a question I find very difficult to answer.

Jun 30 2012 I'm on a bus. There is only me and the bus driver on the bus. He asks me how I like my eggs in the morning. I tell him, boiled or fried I'm satisfied as long as I get my kiss. He thinks I'm coming on to him, it wouldn't be the first time a bus driver has mistaken me being friendly as a come on.

Jul 2 2012 I'm on a bus. A boy lets me go in front of him, I hope he doesn't think this is a direct route into my pants, I'm on my period. I think the bit of toothpaste on my face is sending out mixed messages.

Jul 2 2012 I'm in the bus station. An elderly woman stares at me with squinted eyes, she's either trying to see what I'm about, wants me to back away from her and her bus, or is trying to make me combust with her telekinesis powers. I opt for the latter.

Jul 3 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman gets on the bus with a painting tray, a tin of paint, and a roller. I've heard of people going into the wrong house by mistake, but never have I seen someone get on a bus instead of walking into a house. She hasn't just been to a shop to buy these things because that would be ridiculous.

Jul 3 2012 I'm on a bus. A man outside screams, I'd scream too if I lived in Heckmondwike.

Jul 3 2012 I'm on a bus. A man walks down the road, he looks like a walking muscle. Most likely a Gluteus Maximus.

Jul 6 2012 I'm on a bus. Somebody has stuck a bus ticket to the window, I see this as a warning. Who knows what could be stuck the window next, an old woman's purse, a penis, or a person who thought it would be funny to try their luck with somebody who sticks bus tickets to windows as a hobby.

Jul 7 2012 I'm on a bus. To describe the people on this bus as outcomes of incest would be too kind. You may think that is harsh, but you're not on this bus. I've got toothache and I'm really really angry. I probably don't mean a word of this. If you're looking for somebody to blame, then blame Student Finance England, and teeth.

Jul 7 2012 I'm on a bus. I could punch a small child in the face, but I'd happily settle for crushing a grape.

Jul 7 2012 I'm on a bus. I've just got on and a woman says, "It's been here that long it's gone soft, Jimmy". I think she was talking about a sweet, there's nothing else it could possibly be.

Jul 9 2012 I'm sat in the bus station. I'm sat next to a woman who looks like Alan.

Jul 9 2012 For those of you who don't know, Alan used to be my old housemate. We both loved one another as much as two people could, but we were too scared to admit it. I eventually moved out due to the pulsating sexual tension. I used to write about her a lot.

Jul 9 2012 I'm in the bus station. Alan stays silent, I wonder about asking her about "The Man With the Brown Shoes", but it seems inappropriate somehow. She is now with a man with ginger hair, or as I like to call him "The Man Without a Soul".

Jul 9 2012 I'm in the bus station. "The Man Without a Soul" sure knows a lot about buses. I think me and him have more in common than just Alan.

Jul 9 2012 I'm on a bus. It's exceeded maximum capacity, I blame Student Finance England.

Jul 9 2012 I'm on a bus. I have some shopping; I also have some frozen mash potato to be getting on with. I like that phrase "to be getting on with".

Jul 9 2012 I'm on a bus. Alan looks at me as if she's just lost at Bullseye and I'm what she could have won. She could have had me if she played her cards right.

Jul 10 2012 I'm on a bus. My uncle is driving the bus, I think this is where my fascination with buses stems from.

Jul 10 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman is sat next to me, she's coughing and sputtering like a car that fails to get started.

Jul 16 2012 I'm on a bus. I wish this smelly man sat next to me wasn't so smelly.

Jul 25 2012 I'm on a bus. My bus driver looks like a fat Tony Manero.

Jul 31 2012 I'm on a bus. An old woman stares at a police woman. The old lady has venomous eyes and if I didn't know better I'd say she had criminal intent. Either that or she's just pissed off by the fact the police get on buses for free.

Jul 31 2012 I'm on a bus. The old lady and the police woman get off at the same stop. The old lady's handbag was suspiciously shaped like a gun.

Aug 6 2012 I'm on a bus, we've exceeded maximum capacity. The bus driver believes his bus to be some sort of Tardis, it is not.

Aug 6 2012 I'm on a bus. If I knew I was going to be groped today I'd have had a shower.

Aug 6 2012 I'm on a bus. There's a man on this bus, he looks like the friendliest man I've ever seen. I'm immediately wary.

Aug 21 2012 I'm on a bus. A man gets on the bus with his offspring, he realises he hasn't got his wallet. He protests to his children, "I haven't got my wallet, I swear on my mother's life." Much like his wallet, he hasn't got a chance of a decent life. We are in Thornhill.

Aug 24 2012 I'm on a bus. A man blows on a fly, he does this so he can cool it down before he eats it. I'm in Thornhill.

Aug 30 2012 I'm on a bus. I always wondered what the people who got the bus at 5am looked like and now I know.

Aug 30 2012 I'm on a bus. A spider crawls past my foot, I bet ARRIVA made him pay too. Bloody hoons.

Aug 30 2012 I'm on a bus. A man sits at the front of the bus giving out METRO newspapers, this isn't his job but it gives him a purpose in life. Isn't that what we all want, a purpose in life? In some way we are all that man who's giving out the METRO newspaper, we just don't know it.

Aug 30 2012 I'm on a bus and it's dark outside. A man tells me he's God and holds my hand, I don't resist. He wears a hi vis jacket and smells of sewage, one of us is confused.

Aug 30 2012 I'm in the bus station. A man is hunched over holding his chest; it's good to know that whatever is ailing him it hasn't stopped him from catching a bus.

Sep 6 2012 I'm in the bus station. A woman has bought a grandiose box of crisps, she says her child loves them and will eat NOTHING else. Yeah, and I'm Mother Teresa.

Sep 6 2012 I'm on a bus. It's dark outside; let's hope the bus driver has eaten his carrots.

Sep 16 2012 Life is one big long bus ride with many stops. People come on and get off but in the end it's just you and the bus driver, you'd do well to remember that.

Sep 28 2012 I'm on a bus. A man clutches his METRO newspaper like he might clutch his hands around my neck if I slept with his wife.

Oct 4 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman gets on and pays for her ticket, she grimaces at it. I know that look all too well, the look of dissatisfaction ‐ it's usual on the face of the person I'm having sex with.

Oct 4 2012 I'm on a bus. A jolly man with a crutch gets on. After purchasing a ticket he isn't jolly anymore, in fact this time he has been financially crippled.

Oct 4 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman sits in front of me with a butterfly clip in her hair. I immediately think of the butterfly effect, I think her butterfly clip is 50 years too late. A hurricane hit Dewsbury 50 years ago and it's still recovering, it's the only thing that can explain the state of things.

Oct 4 2012 I'm on a bus. Children are in the park using sticks to get conkers, let's hope that that... tomfoolery... doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence. Which let’s face it, none of us want to see that.

Oct 5 2012 I'm on a bus. Dewsbury passes by me like an unwelcome relative at a wedding. I'm eating Doritos, I suddenly remember that once upon a time there existed 3D Doritos ‐ they're not wanted in this Clegg and Cameron society. Cunts.

Oct 5 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman plays with her phone, I'd much rather she do that than play with herself. No woman should play with herself on a bus, especially when there's a young buck like me sat opposite her.

Oct 5 2012 I'm on a bus. A man says goodbye to his friend and pats him on the back. It's a pat that says I love you, you're my best friend, we've been through a lot together, I'll see you soon, and I've slept with your missus but you'll never know.

Oct 7 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman sits in front of me and she looks like Alan, thoughts and feelings of the year we spent together come flooding back. I'll admit it wasn't a good year, I'd just got out of a messy divorce and our time spent with each other was mired with sexual tension. I place my head in my hands and try to forget, the woman who looks like Alan smiles at me. I smile back with my Lottery winners smile.

Oct 7 2012 I'm on a bus. I smell of beer and to anybody who isn't me I must smell like a man who smells of beer.

Oct 7 2012 I'm on a bus. I'm heading back to the Land of our Fathers, Dewsbury. Dewsbury you elusive banshee, must you elude me forever?

Oct 7 2012 I'm on a bus. Ossett passes by as dazed and confused as I once was, I too was as naive as Ossett is now. Ossett reminds me of my younger cousin Victor, there's no hope for him just as there is no hope for Ossett.

Oct 7 2012 I'm on a bus. The woman who looks like Alan probably is Alan. She isn't with 'The Man with the Brown Shoes', she has more than likely realised that I'm the best she's ever going to get.

Oct 8 2012 I'm on a bus. I accidently stand on a man's foot, luckily he doesn't biff me and we both carry on with our lives.

Oct 8 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman picks up the METRO newspaper and looks at it quizzically, people in Thornhill can't read and you'd do well to remember that. I'll bet you a tea towel she's going to take it home to use as toilet paper, it's the only thing the METRO newspaper is good for.

Oct 8 2012 I'm on a bus. Sure enough he woman puts the METRO newspaper into her bag. Either she works at a fish and chip shop or she's taking a really big poo when she gets in.

Oct 17 2012 I'm on a bus. A woman reads a Kindle, just imagine if somebody asks her if she reads books. All she can say is "no, I read a Kindle." You could never have sex with somebody who doesn't have books.

Catch the net.

Oct 22 2012 I'm on a bus a woman talks about going to the Thornhill Edge Club in Thornhill. She says her friend just got out of prison so they went there. Thornhill Edge Club seems like a lovely place, I must remember to visit there more often.

Oct 24 2012 I'm on a bus. An old woman speaks in a really hoarse and husky voice, if I was a man of a different persuasion I'd probably pay a lot of money to listen to a voice like that.

Oct 25 2012 I'm on a bus. It's a bus from Bradford; I don't like Bradford at the best of times. I'm sat near some people and all I can describe them as is that they don't read books; they're really intimidating with their sportswear and menacing gazes.

Oct 25 2012 I'm on a bus. The flat caps have regained control, all is right with the world once again.

Oct 30 2012 I'm on a bus. The bus driver takes my ticket off me and stares at it really up close. Should I be travelling on this bus with a driver who struggles to read my ticket? Probably not, I've done many things that I perhaps shouldn't have and this is one of those things.

Nov 1 2012 When I sit on buses I begin to question God's intentions.

Nov 1 2012 I'm on a bus. I have no music, all I can hear are the Smarties inside my head rattling about, and a child who I'm convinced is bad to the bone. I'm in Thornhill.

Nov 1 2012 I'm on a bus and I am going to punch this child.

Nov 12 2012 I'm on a bus. An alarm has sounded, anybody who wants to can get off now. We are entering Thornhill, otherwise known as 'No Man's Land', 'The Point of No Return', 'The Place of my Birth' and 'The Bad Lands'. Thornhill awaits us like a salivating Cyclops at feeding time.

Nov 14 2012 I think a woman in Dewsbury bus station is giving out free Cup‐a‐Soups, it will take more than Cup‐a‐ Soups to turn this town around.

Nov 19 2012 I'm on a bus. A boy is dressed all in purple, he's drinking Vimto. Drinking Vimto is clearly a special occasion for him and warrants such a ceremonious dress.

Dec 13 2012 I'm on a bus. The bus driver is driving me towards my destination, not because he is some kind‐ hearted soul but because it is his job.

Dec 13 2012 I'm on a bus. A man gets on, he is covered in dirt and filth ‐ much like everybody else in Thornhill.

Dec 16 2012 I'm on a bus. There's a boy on this bus whose face looks like it's permanently on the verge of tears, he could go far with a skill like that Dec 16 2012 I'm on a bus. We're in Beeston, nothing ever good happens in Beeston not even Christmas.

Jan 14 2013 I'm on a bus. It now costs £4.50 for a day ticket. I've been on the bus for 15 minutes and I haven't been given any tea or coffee, what exactly is my money paying for?

Jan 19 2013 I'm on a bus. Two police officers get on, one looks at me and licks his lips. Things could either go really good or extremely good, but he's on duty. He's got lives to save, not satisfy. We continue our bus‐bound journey in silence.

Jan 22 2013 I'm on a bus. A woman who's been on the sauce has had too much sauce. A policeman has apprehended her, she's now singing and flirting with the policeman, she's taken my job.