Of or Relating to Buses

Of or Relating to Buses and the People Who Frequent Them

Limited Edition Adam Lee Jones

2011 - 2014

Foreword The act of travelling on a bus is an everyday occurrence; it is both a banal and frustrating activity for all concerned. A strong interest in anthropology and people-watching has informed this body of work, as well as a documented record of bus journeys undertaken. However, for some the love of buses is very strong, it’s an enthusiastic topic that is close to their hearts – it is more than merely a way of getting from A to B. The work is an exploration of text and how it can be presented to visually communicate with the audience. The work is a culmination of years of observations made on buses.

Many people are reliant on public transport; it isn’t really a choice so much as a necessity. It’s needed and we plan our days accordingly to them. It’s something that decides our lives, but many people don’t think about it as in-depth as others may do. However, for people such as bus enthusiasts buses are more than a means to an end. For them buses are something of extravagance, sophistication, beauty and grace. They fawn over them with a desire that is akin to that of a man and a woman.

8th May 2014

I’m on a bus I’m now waiting for a bus;

LET’S JUST HOPE

the bus station people

DON’T GET ME

A woman is giving me the

EVIL EYE,

I should avoid wearing

SUCH REVEALING CLOTHING

A woman on the bus is

A CANINE BEAUTICIAN

I want to be a

POTATO BEAUTICIAN

it seems equally as

POINTLESS

I’m on a bus A child is waving at the

BUS

he has yet to learn that

BUSES CANNOT WAVE

A woman gets on the bus

WE EXCHANGE A GLANCE

it’s like a kiss

BUT WITH THE EYES

I’m on a bus I’m waiting for a bus;

A YOUNG MAN

listens to rock music

AN OLD MAN

looks me up and down

WITH DISGUST

The bus will be

TWO MINUTES

there’s a lot you can do

IN TWO MINUTES

kill a man with your

BARE HANDS FOR INSTANCE

I’m on a bus The bus driver is a man

WHO DOESN’T TAKE SHIT

from anybody

ONLY MONEY

for

BUS TICKETS

SOMEWHERE ON THIS BUS THERE IS A TINY VIOLIN PLAYING JUST FOR ME

I’m on a bus

IN A METAPHORICAL SENSE WE ARE ALL ON BUSES We are on a bus and we are approaching Dewsbury. I say "We", but it's just me and all of the people that I'm sat with.

We are all strangers chasing after the same dream, and that dream is Dewsbury.

I’m on a bus. The prices on the bus go up, up, up.

I’m on a bus. There are new ticket machines on the bus. The bus driver caresses it as if it was his newly born son, he loves his job.

I’m on a bus. The bus driver presses all the right buttons, he has to, it's his job to do so.

I’m on a bus. The man who is sat next to me is comparing bus tickets; he can't believe they've changed. Mate, you better believe it. He is drunk and talking to himself. He's now eating crisps; I think he found them down the side of a seat. He hasn't offered me one. He's now opened a bottle of wine; I think he is celebrating actually making it onto the bus. He has sweets; this guy is on the bus until the bitter end.

I’m on a bus. The bus driver has just waved at another bus driver.

I like to imagine that they've both had sex with the same woman and are congratulating one another.

I’m on a bus. We're in the part of Thornhill where the windows steam up on the bus - the sexy part.

I’m on a bus. A man runs for the bus as if it was a woman leaving him for good. It wasn't his bus.

I'm on a bus with the early morning brigade. I feel like I'm part of a secret club - it's beautiful.

I’m on a bus. A man gets on the bus, he looks like Vanilla Ice (if Vanilla Ice had been born in Dewsbury).

I'm on a bus. A man with a mullet has just been called a Muppet.

He looks like he’s from the Jim Henson Workshop too.

I’m on a bus. A man mumbles garbled English, we do not understand. He could have told us the meaning of life or the secrets of the universe and we wouldn't have known.

I’m on a bus. A hard-faced woman gets on the bus, she looks like Shirley from Eastenders.

A man gets on the bus and he looks like a shrew, his girlfriend looks like a shrew too - I think this is what they call incest.

I like buses because they fit more people on than, say for example, tractors.

I’m on a bus. A man drops his change like he might drop a beat.

Me and the guy opposite me are eager to get off this bus and get to our destination. I will probably never see him again and this makes me sad. I've enjoyed the brief time we've had together but one bus journey is it, we are destined to part. Farewell old man with a book inside a newspaper, I will always remember you.

LAST BUS HOME This is it, I'm now part of the Last Bus Gang. You're either on the bus or you're not on the bus, simple as that. The old man on this bus has gone crazy, he's taken his shirt off and is now challenging the bus driver to a fight. If this is what the Last Bus Gang entails - I'm out.

The bus driver has now been beaten to a pulp, the old man says we're going to get high and fuck some bitches. I'm scared, someone please send help! The old man has just shown me a big wad of cash, he says if I kick this kid's face off he'll treat me to a Nando's.

The old man has supplied us all with child's trikes, he says we should spread out and not show any mercy. I'm covered in blood and what the old man told me was war paint, I fear it may be faeces. I'm shaking with terror; I just want to be home. I can hear the old man wailing maniacally in the distance.

A bloodcurdling scream rings out, I fear another person has been a victim of the old man's terrible campaign of fear.

I should never have got on that fucking bus, when will I ever learn?

I take off my shoes and pray to the heavens, I just want this nightmare to end. I rub my face in the dirt for lack of anything else to do... the cold, moist blades of grass being the only thing I can feel upon my beautiful, glorious, movie star-esque face.

IF A BUS WAS A WOMAN I WOULD MAKE SWEET LOVE TO IT I'm on a bus. A man who looks like a dishevelled Santa Claus is driving.

I'm on a bus. An elderly woman opens a packet of tissues and doesn't offer me one. Cameron's Big Society has failed.

I’m on a bus. A woman gets on the bus with her child, her child looks like a purple goblin. Her child doesn't understand my words "We don't want your kind here." The woman slaps me hard across the face. I realise the error of my ways and offer money as way of an apology, I then remember that work hasn't paid me.

I’m on a bus. In the 'Used Tickets' bin there is a satsuma peel and an empty packet of bread. The bus drivers of Dewsbury now accept food and sexual favours as payment, but mostly food.

I'm on a bus. What would we be without buses? On time, probably.

I know there has been a comedy about buses, but has somebody ever made a heartfelt drama about a bus? I believe buses to be beings that are capable of both love and pain.

I'm on a bus heading towards Dewsbury. Jesus once came to Dewsbury; it was while he was carrying the cross. He took one look at Dewsbury and thought "Fuck it, just crucify me," and so they did.

I’m on a bus. A woman takes pictures of her child on the bus; it's understandable because going on a bus is a big event.

I’m on a bus. I wanted to get into college early today, but life doesn't work like that and neither do buses.

I’m on a bus. A man on the bus scrambles in his pocket for his day ticket. He holds the bus up, not with a gun but with his incompetence.

I'm on a bus. Some people are talking about football; a man says he doesn't like football, he is treated like a leper.

I’m on a bus. A girls gets on the bus, she looks like she's had a rough night. This is Thornhill; she's had a rough life.

I’m on a bus. An old woman gets on carrying what appears to be a suitcase on wheels; this is no ordinary suitcase on wheels. This is an old woman's shopping device.

A woman on the bus repeated the question "Do you like steak?" three times over the phone, she then promptly hung up. She is a chav; I think “steak” is the street name for “fish fingers”.

I’m on a bus. A man throws what can only be described as shit at the bus.

I’m on a bus. We are now entering Batley. It’s like Dewsbury, but not quite.

I’m on a bus. A bus passes bearing the words 'Driver Under Instruction'. This is a special bus, the driver of whom has been called by God. Bus drivers are celestial beings; you'd do well to remember that.

There is a woman on this bus who looks like Chris Evans, she could go far with a talent like that.

I’m on a bus. A ride on this bus cost me £3.00. £2.00 a week could save an old woman from dying, so the fundraiser told me. For the price of a ride on this bus I could have saved one and a half old women.

The price of a day ticket has gone up on the bus; I suppose that's the price I pay for travelling in style.

I'm on a bus. There is only me on it, the bus driver gets out of his cabin to change drivers and asks if I'll be okay to sit and wait. I say that I'll be fine, on reflection I think I've missed my chance to see what goes on behind the scenes.

I like to imagine if I wasn't alright to sit and wait he'd take me into their special room for a cup of hot chocolate.

We head back to the town of broken dreams, Dewsbury.

I tell him I have a wife and kids back home who are waiting for me to get back safe. He says he does too.

There is just me and the bus driver on the bus, we say we're going to start a new life for ourselves.

Me and the bus driver make a pact to keep on driving until our eyes start to bleed or the bus runs out of petrol.

A police car tails the bus, I tell the bus driver to step on it if he ever wants to see his kids again. He does as he is told.

We are now on a country lane.

He falls to the floor. He stops breathing, I think he is dead.

I kick him in the groin and shove a scrunched up McDonald's bag down his throat.

I stand up and throw down my flat cap and state, "If you wanna fight on my turf then so be it".

There is a man challenging people to fight him, he reckons he is the hardest man on the planet.

I'm on the last bus home.

I’m on a bus. A man has a smile like all of his dreams have come true. He has never had a dream in his life.

I'm on a bus, a man is wearing a pork pie hat. It's a hat made of pork pies, who am I to judge?

I’m on a bus. A man with a very gelled head of hair sits in front of me on the bus, he looks like he's in a gang that roams the streets on a nightly basis. His hair is exactly how I would imagine the Devil would style his hair.

This morning I threw away every tissue that I had in my pockets despite still having a cold. I'm now on a bus without a tissue, I've resorted to using my sleeve. Every cloud.

I'm on a bus. A man has a shopping bag and looks at me as if to say "You don't have a shopping bag therefore you're not worthy to travel on this bus," I don't correct him.

I’m on a bus. The bus driver sighs the sigh of a thousand horny koalas masturbating in unison, either that or he is tired.

I’m on a bus. This bus ride could end one of two ways, either I could get to my destination or I could not.

I'm on a bus. A woman gets increasingly annoyed about her son playing with a toy gun. He has just shot his sister and declared her to be "dead".

NEVER HAVE I SEEN SUCH VARYING DEGREES OF EVOLUTION I saw an Eskimo get on the bus at Batley the other day; it's hardly surprising given how cold buses are.

I’m on a bus. A man gets on the bus, he has a McDonald's supper. This is standard fare for Thornhill. Your taxes paid for this.

I'm on a bus. The bus driver sighs because we all have bus passes, he doesn't understand the concept of saving money.

I’m on a bus. An elderly man gets on the bus and strokes a teenagers face, this is called 'grooming'.

I’m on a bus. The elderly man and the teenager get off at the same stop, I hope they have condoms.

I’m on a bus. The bus driver picks up his paper and sets it aflame, he says the Metro is full of wanky bollocks and you'd do well to remember that. He then gauges out his own eyeballs, he does not state a reason for this.

Buses help you to see the world in a different way, they're a bit like drugs in that respect. Although I wouldn't advocate drugs, whereas buses, I'm behind them 100%. Vote for buses.

I'm on a bus. A woman is unable to control her kids; it is like watching David Cameron in charge of the country.

Simon: This bus is pretty slow, is it scared of black ice or something?

Adam: No, it's just scared about what you'd do to it if it sped up.

I'm on a bus. A man talks about eating a slice of burnt toast and a having a mint afterwards, I think he's what people would define as 'a visionary'.

I'm on a bus. 'The Visionary' talks about a man called 'Tiny Legs’; I think this is the person he's going to meet once he gets off the bus. 'Tiny Legs' is possibly a drug dealer.

I'm on a bus, it is God's preferred method of transport. They may be inefficient, unreliable and shoddy but that is just God's way. He got a D in Maths.

I'm on a bus, a child complains that they are still hungry.

This is Thornhill; the child has never tasted a proper meal.

Turkey Twizzlers and Micro Chips is not a substantial meal.

I'm on a bus. The bus driver spoke like he was selling fish and chips, you know the voice people who sell fish and chips have? Well he had it.

I’m on a bus

WHEN I SIT ON BUSES I BEGIN TO QUESTION GOD’S INTENTIONS A woman recites what seems to be a shopping list to the bus driver, it isn't a shopping list she just has a hard time remembering and a lot of kids. They make it onto the bus, the woman has passed the test, by "passed the test" I mean "paid their fare".

Buses Endured

The bus driver drives off without passengers, despite the fact we have a bus to catch. I like to imagine he left the bath running or the gas on and as a moment of madness has decided to drive his bus home to check. There is no other explanation.

2002

A shiny new double-decker pulls up, I exaggerate the words 'shiny' and 'new'. I think Arriva bought the bus a long time ago and has just put it into service. Same interior, but it has leather seats and is bigger than the average bus. More news as it comes in.

2005

This bus driver is worse at Maths than me, God help us all. This is going to be a long bus journey if he keeps having to use his abacus.

The bus driver can't drive the bus let alone add up change, I fear we are all doomed.

2003

2004

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

I'm on a bus. The bus driver has ran out of change, he ran out of brains a long time ago.

I'm on a bus. Two children fight whilst their mum pays their fare. Remember that show Robot Wars?

Well it's like that but instead of robots it's children.

I've just seen Simon Well's zooming past my bus on his bike. His chiselled jaw must be very aerodynamic.

I've reached my destination and have vacated the bus.

Thank you and good night.

There is a bus opposite me that says 'The people on this bus are travelling with Arriva Yorkshire' on its side. I imagine the people on it have done bad things in a previous life to warrant travelling with Arriva Yorkshire.

2012

2013

2014 0

100

200

300

I'm on a bus. I look down to find that I've split my trousers.

I wonder what I could have possibly been doing to split my trousers. I stop wondering, because what I was doing isn't even legal.

I'm on a bus. A man stands outside Wetherspoon’s wearing a cricket jumper. He doesn’t know what cricket is, he thinks it’s a film starring Steven Seagal.

I'm on a bus. A man talks about stroking a dog, I think it's a euphemism for his penis

I'm on a bus. Two old ladies kiss one another goodbye, if I was a certain type of man I would think that this was hot stuff.

I'm on a bus and I have a split in my trousers. I'm sat facing the people on the bus, I feel like I should do a dance or something.

I'm on a bus. A woman looks at a travel brochure, I don't know why she's tormenting herself like this; she'll never leave Dewsbury.

Somebody has decided to put more coal into the bus's furnace. We're going a lot faster now.

I ask the woman if she'll take me on holiday, she tells me to "Get fucked." There is a heated exchange of words until we are seperated by the bus driver.

A MAN GETS ON, HE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGRY CHIP I’m on a bus. “Extra Leg Room” is advertised like it’s the bonus features on a DVD. We’re living in the future and this is as good as it gets.

A woman struggles up the aisle of the bus as it is moving. It is like watching Pat Sharp's Fun House, she even has a mullet.

I'm on a bus. A man sucks on one of those nicotine inhalers; it looks like he is sucking on a tampon. For all I know it could be a tampon, we are in Thornhill.

I’m on a bus. If you are on the bus at this time you are either a pensioner, late for college, on the dole or as this man is doing, going to CEX to flog some XBOX 360 games. Probably to buy drugs, don't quote me on that.

I’m on a bus. A woman gets on the bus, she has wet hair. Either it has been raining, she has had a shower or her husband has took a piss on her; he looks like that kind of man.

I’m on a bus. A woman is on the bus and at everything she looks at she looks lost and confused. I take it that she has never been to Thornhill before and knows nothing of our customs.

I’m on a bus. A man wants to go to Batley but he's missed the bus.

Many men want to get to Batley, many men go to Batley, not many men return from Batley.

The bus driver tells me that he pulled me away from the altercation because he has always fancied me and asks if I would like a piece of him.

I tell the bus driver that as much as he may be a demon between the sheets, I cannot. I'm involved with someone, not physically but intimately. He tells me that I'm lying and we both give in to fate.

A policeman climbs on board the bus and tells us to stop. I may or may not be on drugs.

I’m on a bus. ASDA lurks in the distance like a capitalist albatross. Oh Asda, glaring at me from beyond the distance, will you ever stop?

I'm on a bus. We take a different route because Thornhill Lees is flooded, probably with the tears of the people who live there.

I'm on a bus. A man wears a cowboy hat, I feel that he is trying to make some kind of visual pun about Dewsbury.

I'm on a bus. A man says that his wife thinks he's having an affair. The only affair he'll be having is walking the one-man highway with me if he keeps up this game.

I'm on a bus. A child is eating a packet of crisps, this constitutes as his main meal of the day. I am in Thornhill.

A woman runs for a bus in Thornhill, she leaves behind her a trail of slime.

I'm on a bus. A man gets on who looks like he's been hit by one.

I'm on a bus. A man nearly missed his stop, it's a good job he attracted the bus driver's attention. That was a close one.

I'm on a bus. A woman has in her hand a pregnancy pack, these are standard issue in Dewsbury.

I’m on a bus

I'm on a bus. I have brie; the people of Thornhill have never been exposed to a cheese other than 'Singles'.

I'm eating a chicken, bacon and mayonnaise sandwich while going around Thornhill on a bus. The locals must think I'm a revolutionary, they're used to the staple diet of Micro Chips, baked beans and Turkey Twizzlers.

I'm on a bus. I show my pass to the bus driver, he strokes my hand. This is a first. I have a bus pass, there is no reason for him to stroke my hand.

He escorts me off the bus and takes me to the back room. He shows me things I've never seen before, I'm pretty sure you won't have seen them either.

He tells me to take a seat while he gets into something a little more comfortable. He asks me how I like his invisible suit, I reply "It's nice."

He grabs my hand and forces me to touch him, I wince and black out. There is a strange salty taste in my mouth, I put it down to the McDonald's I ate prior to this unspeakable act.

THIS BUS DRIVER IS AN ABSOLUTE TOOL, DEFINITELY NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL

I'm on a bus. A man with a wheely zimmer frame stands up while the bus is still moving, even I know that this is a foolhardy idea; this is how he gets his kicks. I'm relieved he got off safely, he shouldn't be trying that trick again, he had me worried there for a second.

I'm on a bus. A woman tells the bus driver that she's pressed the bell, this is how it's done in Thornhill.

Electricity is yet to be introduced.

I'm on a bus. A man gets off the bus wearing some tracksuit bottoms that say 'American Life' on them, this is a wise move on his part because nobody wants 'Thornhill Life' written on their tracksuit bottoms.

I've been to Liverpool, London and Spain but the people in Dewsbury are certainly something else. I was on the bus the other day and an old man's trousers fell down, I managed to restrain myself, but the point is that it wouldn't have happened anywhere else. I like to imagine that when God created Dewsbury he had a heart attack just before it was complete, nothing else could possibly explain why Dewsbury is so strange.

I WISH THIS MAN SAT NEXT TO ME WASN’T SO SMELLY

I'm on a bus. A man says that he once worked unsociable hours. People stop being sociable after a certain time.

I'm on a bus. A young boy tells his younger brother to sit down because the police are coming.

Ah, the 'Sit Down Police', me and them have had a few run ins in the past. You'd be forgiven to think they don't exist.

I'm on a bus. A man misses his bus, he stares blankly as it drives away. It's as if he is seeing the love of his life leaving him for another man, a better man, a banker, with a sports car, who earns a fuck load more money.

I'm on a bus. There are a lot of people on this bus.

Thornhill is exactly like that place in Switzerland, Dignitas.

I'm on a bus. The blue rinse brigade gets on, if you don't know who they are count yourself lucky; they're a pack of thugs.

I'm on a bus. We've reached full capacity, the bus sails past the people of Thornhill Lees. I've been waiting a long time for this moment.

I'm on a bus. We pass a place called QFC, it stands for Quality Fried Children - it's Thornhill's finest eating establishment.

I'm on a bus. A man smells like Dewsbury Bus Station toilets, my Grandma used to smell of incontinence. I imagine they'd have a lot in common, if she was alive.

I'm on a bus, a man holds a can of fly spray. You may not think this is all that interesting, but that's his dinner.

I'm on a bus. I'm on the wrong bus.

I'm on a bus. Everybody on this bus looks like they're off the set of a made for TV drama about coal mining, including me.

I'm on a bus. The incestuous brother and sister shrimp duo get on, I've talked about them before.

I'm on a bus. I'm the only person not wearing a shell suit, I'm in Thornhill.

I'm on a bus. A man outside screams, I'd scream too if I lived in Heckmondwike.

I'm on a bus. A woman reads a kindle, I think this is some sort of visual pun because people from Thornhill can't read.

I'm on a bus. Two girls eat a McFlurry, it's a bit like ‘Two Girls One Cup’. Only much more excruciating to watch.

I'm at a bus stop. Three women walk past, they are sisters. They're also daughter, mother, grandmother. I'm in Thornhill.

I’m on a bus

MY BUS DRIVER LOOKS LIKE A FAT TONY MANERO I'm on a bus. We will soon be entering Chickenley, oh wonderful Chickenley. A child once threw a piece of cheese at me there, it figures because if you've seen me you'd probably think I was calcium deficient. God has a holiday home in Chickenley, the people who live there are not only beautiful, but friendly, hospitable and a welcoming bunch of guys.

I'm on a bus. A woman drops her tobacco, a man tells her to which the woman responds, "I drop everything". She's telling the truth, her face looks like a dropped meat pie.

I'm on a bus. A man has an ASDA carrier bag, inside it he has 3 Muller fruit corners and a McDonalds. This is equivalent to champagne and caviar, we are in Dewsbury.

I'm on a bus. A mother and child eat sesame bread sticks, someone should do a painting of this. I imagine Henry Moore would have made a sculpture of it, but he's dead and not on this bus.

I'm on a bus. An old man has just made the sound a straw makes when you suck up a drink but don't have any drink left to suck up. This is what straws evolve in to, old men who make the sound a straw makes when you suck up a drink but don't have any drink left to suck up.

I'm on a bus. Two women get on, they are both sisters. One looks to be jealous of the other sister being better looking; it's the only thing that can explain the permanent look of dissatisfaction on her face.

I'm on a bus. I still smell like a muddy field, if you need a frame of reference it's like the smell of Dewsbury but not as intense. Put it this way, it's masked by the foul stench of everybody else.

I'm on a bus and I really need a poo. It was either miss the bus and have a poo, or catch the bus and hold it in; I opted for the latter. When I get to college and have a poo, man, it's going to be so euphoric.

I'm on a bus. I have what I like to call a 'Passport to Paradise', also known as an Arriva Day Ticket.

I'm on a bus. I see a woman and her children throwing bread into the River ASDA, I think somebody should tell them that the ducks that lived there have long since died. If they carry on doing this every day it'll just be a sea of bread, and nobody wants that.

I'm on a bus. A woman has a carrier bag full of Mariner's Pie and a vat of chocolate spread. All I can say is I'm glad I'm not her husband.

I'm on a bus. I overhear a conversation about a boy I used to know being in prison and never having a shower. I knew him when I was 12 and he never had a shower then. He only doesn't have a shower because he doesn't know what one is.

I'm on a bus. A group of passengers get on, they look like a motley crew. They wouldn't think twice about chopping your arms off and feeding them to you. The leader of the gang is a grey-haired woman, she's approximately 5ft 4in, I'd say she's around 65-70. She looks like she has a cloud sellotaped to her head and could break every bone in your body. Watch out if you're hanging around Thornhill Lees today, do not approach her. She could be armed.

I'm on a bus. An old man has in his carrier bag, beef stew and dumplings. It's heart-breaking. I'd offer him some sausage, but the last time I offered sausage to someone I was told to give it to somebody who wants it. Nobody wants any sausage off me.

I'm on a bus. It's raining and ‘Have You Ever Seen the Rain?’ by Creedence Clearwater Revival is playing.

Somehow, ‘Eve of Destruction’ by Barry McGuire would be more appropriate with this being Thornhill.

I'm on a bus. A man catches me looking at his wife and asks me to explain myself. I tell him that I was born in Dewsbury in the summer of 1990. The son of a milkmaid, and a barber. We never had much money but we were happy, things soon began to change when Dad saw that UFO, he was never the same again...

I'm on a bus. My uncle is driving the bus, I think this is where my fascination with buses stems from.

I'm on a bus. A woman is sat next to me, she's coughing and sputtering like a car that fails to get started.

I'm on a bus, we've exceeded maximum capacity. The bus driver believes his bus to be some sort of Tardis, it is not.

I'm on a bus. It's dark outside; let's hope the bus driver has eaten his carrots.

I'm on a bus. If I knew I was going to be groped today I'd have had a shower.

I'm on a bus. There's a man on this bus, he looks like the friendliest man I've ever seen. I'm immediately wary.

I'm on a bus. I always wondered what the people who got the bus at 5am looked like and now I know.

I'm on a bus. A spider crawls past my foot, I bet ARRIVA made him pay too.

I’m on a bus

SOMEONE HAS BEEN SICK ALL OVER THE BUS TIMETABLE I'm on a bus. A boy with big bushy hair has just got on. I can’t be certain but I think I saw a bird nestled inside - it was watching television.

Life is one big long bus ride with many stops. People come on and get off but in the end it's just you and the bus driver.

I'm on a bus. A man clutches his METRO newspaper like he might clutch his hands around my neck if I slept with his wife.

I'm on a bus. A woman gets on and pays for her ticket, she grimaces at it. I know that look all too well, the look of dissatisfaction - it's usually on the face of the person I'm having sex with.

I'm on a bus. A jolly man with a crutch gets on. After purchasing a ticket he isn't jolly anymore, in fact this time he has been financially crippled.

I'm on a bus. Dewsbury passes by me like an unwelcome relative at a wedding.

I’m on a bus. I'm eating Doritos, I suddenly remember that once upon a time there existed 3D Doritos - they're not wanted in this Nick Clegg and David Cameron society.

I'm on a bus. A man says goodbye to his friend and pats him on the back. It's a pat that says I love you, you're my best friend, we've been through a lot together, I'll see you soon, and I've slept with your missus but you'll never know.

I'm on a bus. A woman picks up the METRO newspaper and looks at it quizzically, people in Thornhill can't read. I'll bet you a tea towel she's going to take it home to use as toilet paper, it's the only thing the METRO newspaper is good for.

I'm on a bus. An old woman speaks in a really hoarse and husky voice, if I was a man of a different persuasion I'd probably pay a lot of money to listen to a voice like that.

I'm on a bus. The bus driver takes my ticket off me and stares at it really up close. Should I be travelling on this bus with a driver who struggles to read my ticket? Probably not, I've done many things that I perhaps shouldn't have and this is one of those things.

I'm on a bus. I have no music, all I can hear are the Smarties inside my head rattling about, and a child who I'm convinced is bad to the bone. I'm in Thornhill.

I'm on a bus. A boy is dressed all in purple, he's drinking Vimto.

Drinking Vimto is clearly a special occasion for him and warrants such a ceremonial dress.

I'm on a bus. There's a boy on this bus whose face looks like it's permanently on the verge of tears, he could go far with a skill like that.

I'm on a bus. We're in Beeston, nothing good ever happens in Beeston, not even Christmas.

A WOMAN LOOKS LIKE RAY WINSTONE While waiting for a bus a man had to explain to me how doors work, it's a good there are still people around who know how doors work.

I'm on a bus. A man with a pimped up mobility scooter is trying to drive into oncoming traffic. He knows the perils of doing this, nevertheless it doesn't deter him.

I'm on a bus. A woman threatens to kill her kids, I would gladly join her.

I'm on a bus. The children have took to insulting my flat cap.

I'm on a bus. I can't wait to get home, I'm going to boil the fuck out of some vegetables I'm on a bus. A girl I used to go to school with downs a can of Carlsberg before boarding the bus, she's the most affluent person in Thornhill Lees. She's going places, which is stating the obvious really because she's on a bus, as am I. I'm on a bus. I see lots of elderly ramblers walking through Thornhill Lees. The guy who sold them the map was having them on, this isn't the way to The Fountain of Youth.

I'm on a bus. A man gets on and he looks like George Harrison.

This is Dewsbury, where anything is possible.

I'm on a bus. A woman runs for the bus but doesn't make it, I wonder if she has the same problem with toilets.

I'm on a bus. A man has a smile on his face like he's just found out he's won the lottery. If today is anybody's day it's his day I'm on a bus. I'd really like to get to know that gorgeous man on a Nando's basis. We get off at our stops like men getting off at our stops.

I can't imagine being a bus enthusiast, but it's nice that these people have something in their lives that they enjoy and can share with others. Even though I know pretty much nothing about buses apart from how to pay my fare; today has been very enlightening so far. They say a dog's a man's best friend but buses can be too.

I'm on a bus. A man says, "The only way to enjoy a bus is standing up". Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I'm on a bus. I've just seen a man who looks like Andy Warhol. Twisting my melons, man.

So this sweet ass double-decker pulls up and I think to myself, I would love to ride that! But I'm waiting for another bus, I'm always waiting for another bus.

I'm on a bus. I've just seen a man walk into a charity shop smoking a cigarette. This man is reckless, he's a loose cannon but he gets results.

I'm on a bus. We're now in Heckmondwike, I think the bus driver is taking us home to show to his wife, but I can't be certain. Call it a hunch.

A MAN WITH A BLOODY NOSE GETS ON

I'm on a bus. We're in Dewsbury Moor, otherwise known as "The Final Frontier" or "The Gates to Hell". I've lived there before, I lived on the same street as Shannon Matthews.

When the search took place I was watching TV and eating my dinner, I was watching the search take place to see if I could see myself eating my dinner. I thought it was the mum what done it all along, I think I'm psychic but I've not learnt how to use my abilities yet.

I'm not even making this up. He has tissue stuffed up it and a man offers him more tissues and advice about how he shouldn't put tissues up it.

I'm on a shuttle bus to the Dewsbury Bus Museum; I cannot shake the feeling that this is what it must be like to be on a sunshine bus.

I'm on a shuttle bus to the Dewsbury Bus Museum. A man eats a quiche, a whole quiche. He started out by eating sandwiches, I thought since he's doing it I'll eat my sandwiches too. All I have left is Cheesestrings, Quiche wipes the floor with Cheesestrings in "The Most Ridiculous Things To Eat On A Shuttle Bus To The Dewsbury Bus Museum".

I'm on a shuttle bus to the Dewsbury Bus Museum. It's an old bus, a Todmorden 9 (NWW 89E) to be specific. People in the past must have had very short legs, there's no leg room whatsoever. It probably wasn't invented back then, much like toasted sandwich makers.

Whilst getting off the bus I accidently kicked a man's legs, they nearly gave way underneath him; he looked at me like I was the Devil.

When paying my fare the bus driver said to me "This is a bus, not a bank." I should have responded with "You're a bus driver, not a comedian."

I spotted a bus in Thornhill earlier, I don't think it saw me because buses don't have eyes.

I'm on a bus. A woman gets on wearing a badge that says "Cradle of Filth", she looks like she lives in one. I'm in Thornhill I'm on a bus. A woman asks another woman if she's going on holiday, this is a joke because nobody in Thornhill goes on holiday.

I'm on a bus. A man has a tattoo on his hand saying "Est. 1989".

Given the current economic climate it's surprising he hasn't gone into liquidation.

I’m on a bus

A POM BEAR LIES FLAT ON THE GROUND A man wears a leather waistcoat; on the back of it he has a patch that says "Proud To Be An American". He isn't American; it's just that nobody wants to admit they're from Dewsbury There is only me, the bus driver and the bus driver's shopping on the bus. I have to decline his offer to cook for me as I have a job to do. He didn't actually offer to cook for me but the glint in his eye and the bread in his bag say more than words.

I take a closer look into the bus driver's shopping bag, inside there is a loaf of bread, a king size donner kebab Pot Noodle, a vibrating cock ring, some furry handcuffs and a plastic fried egg.

The bus driver swaps over and leaves the shopping bag.

This move was unprecedented, how could I have seen this coming? The new bus driver licks his lips and rubs his nipples, in some sick perverse way it's actually calming I suppose. Indian snake charmer music begins to play and I'm transfixed. I pass out just as the bus driver begins to unbutton his shirt.

My stomach feels like how Jim Jones would have felt if he had a conscience.

An elderly lady waves at the bus to try and make it stop.

She's only recently seen Star Wars and believes that she can use the force. She cannot use the force.

A dog wanders through Thornhill as lonely as a cloud. There are a lot of clouds in Thornhill.

In Thornhill Lees a boy wears a onesie out in public. Wearing a onesie out in public is like wearing your school uniform on a weekend, you just don't do it.

I have half a tub of houmous left. Nobody on this bus would want it as they're used to Turkey Twizzlers, Micro Chips, and baked beans. It's a shame to waste good food. Always eat what's on your plate, food is a luxury some people don't have.

Stay beautiful.

I'm waiting for a bus. There's another guy waiting for the same bus, I used to know this guy and was in fact very good friends with him. It's funny how people can branch off and take very different paths in life. This guy presumes I affiliate with the same people he does, he couldn't be more wrong. All I want to do is drink orange juice and melt into the bus seat.

A man gets off, he wears double denim, otherwise known as a Canadian Tuxedo.

A boy carries a rolled up carpet. He isn't Alladin, he's just a boy carrying a rolled up carpet.

I've just seen a man who once took me for a meal. We've since parted ways and I left the job where I longingly admired him from a distance. I wonder if he still thinks about me in the way I think about him. He was ever such a nice man, the kind of man my mum would be proud to see hanging from my arm.

THERE’S A DEAD FLY SAT NEXT TO ME I pass the Birstall Sports & Social Club, it looks like the kind of place where you'd go if you were a womanizer in the 70's.

There is only me and the bus driver on the bus. For all I know this bus driver could lead me up a dark alleyway, if his bus fits that is.

There's many people who I haven't seen for a while and from time to time I sometimes think about them. It's then that I realise that they'll probably wash up on the shores of Dewsbury, everybody always does.

I've just seen a man driving a bus and he didn't look like a bus driver. He was wearing an orange jumpsuit and had what looked like the softest, comfiest beard in the history of beards - think of a brown cloud. Let's just say I wouldn't mind taking a ride on his bus.

A businessman gets on with a pushchair... this is the new way of transporting files to and from the office Out of the window I see a man wearing sunglasses. Everyone in Dewsbury needs to wear sunglasses and lead suits at all times.

Dewsbury is an uninhabitable wasteland, nothing grows or thrives here.

A boy has in his hand a bag from the pharmacy, that's what you need to be on when you’re living in Thornhill... A bus, because it's bloody hard getting anywhere if you don't drive.

I'm at the bus stop, a boy walks past with a 'B' on the back of his hoody. They call him "Bruiser" because he bruises very easily like a banana.

A woman sits patiently; she's waiting to be delivered to her destination. I feel like telling her that this isn't like the movies, buses don't work like that. In much the same vein as love, it's not like the movies - people tend to leave you when they discover you have Athlete's foot and that you snore like a power drill.

Two men sit in front of me, from behind they look like the exact same person. It's like they're auditioning for the same role in a film, I hope they both get the part - they could timeshare or something.

I'm on a bus, a woman gets off the bus and she didn't even pay. She carries with her an oversized Sports Direct bag. Now I'm no sleuth but I'm guessing she does the bus driver's washing because as everybody knows bus drivers can't operate washing machines

I’m on a bus

A GUY LOOKS AT ME LIKE I’M SOME KIND OF EXOTIC CREATURE, BEAUTIFUL AND UNATTAINABLE. I’M IN MORLEY, THE PEOPLE HERE ARE SOMETHING ELSE. The man in front of me has a tiny spot on his head. I'm considering picking it, it could be the start of something beautiful.

We could be married by next week, the man and I, not the spot and I. If me and a spot got married I think society would have something to say about it.

I'm on a bus. This bus driver has completely missed out Dewsbury, I know what you're thinking, "who can blame him?"

The thing is I have somewhere to be and it isn't on this bus.

I'm on a bus. I've spent half an hour waiting for a bus in Alverthorpe, effectively I was in purgatory. I was stood outside a hair salon - a place where I have no reason whatsoever to ever step inside. I think the people inside must have thought I was casing the joint, but all I was doing was waiting for a bus eating my eat and drinking my drink.

I'm on a bus. A child with ginger hair sticks their tongue out at me. I think to myself, 'At least I have a soul.

There is a section in the METRO newspaper called "Guilty Pleasures". I think they should rename it "Hogwash" or "Tripe" because that's what it is.

I'm on a bus. A man wants to sit down; an elderly lady spends a lifetime moving her shopping bags from the seat. Just because her shopping bags are her only friend in the world doesn't make them a living entity entitled to a seat.

I'm on a bus. We enter the realm of Batley; Batley is Dewsbury's richer and more successful cousin. Batley did well in school, got the needed grades, turned up on time, wasn't a dick, and was generally and all-round good egg.

I'm on a bus. A man knocks on doors in Chickenley, I'm just as surprised as you, there are houses in Chickenley still with doors.

I'm on a bus. I'd never get off the bus in Chickenley just in case I caught something.

I'm on a bus. I have work at 4pm but this doesn't seem to bother the bus driver. Why anybody would want to daudle in Chickenley is beyond me.

I'm on a bus. There's a takeaway in Chickenley called Paradise, just because it has an optimistic name doesn't mean that Chickenley is a lovely place I'm on a bus. Chickenley is that uncle who you never see, you know he's around but you're not sure where. Nobody knows his whereabouts and in fact nobody wants to, he's bad to the bone. Best left well enough alone.

I'm on a bus. I once spent the night in Chickenley, I was young and fresh out of the packet, now I am wise.

I'm on a bus. Chickenley didn't make me wise, it was leaving Chickenley and realising what people meant to me and what awaits me if I'm ever bad or unkind to anyone.

I'm on a bus. We're heading for Horbury, this journey was indeed treacherous and at times a struggle, but we're nearly there now. Chickenley's salivating jaws didn't catch me this time.

I'm on a bus. In Thornhill Lees smoke rises from a garden, they've burnt another witch. It figures because Thornhill Lees is as backwards as something reflected in a mirror.

I'm on a bus. A man gets on wearing sunglasses, we're in Thornhill Lees. Thornhill Lees is a place where you try to do everything you possibly can to make your experience of it less harsh, less severe. It's his way of coping with things, every man has his crutch.

I'm on a bus. A boy takes a big gulp before he gets off, he hasn't had his vaccinations. We're in Dewsbury.

I'm on a bus. A woman struggles to pick up her change from the bus driver, it's like she's picking up the pieces of her broken life.

I'm on a bus. A man with a smart shirt and tie gets on, I'd say that he isn't used to catching buses. I have a lot to show him, I could blow his mind.

I'm on a bus. I tell the man with the smart shirt and tie to relax, it's easy, don't bother what people think, just go with the flow. He does as I says and exhales. Catching buses is hard at first when you're not used to it, but once you've caught one you always want to catch another.

I'm on a bus. A proportionally challenged gentleman gets on the bus. Turkey Twizzlers and Micro Chips are ruining this town and I'm witnessing it firsthand.

I'm on a bus. The proportionally challenged gentleman drops ÂŁ1, his proportionally challenged girlfriend bends down picks it up and passes it to him. This, ladies and gentlemen, is love.

I'm on a bus. A sackful of cabbage lies discarded on the roadside, had this been a sackful of Turkey Twizzlers things would have been very different indeed. We're in Dewsbury.

I'm on a bus. A woman gets on, she looks like she could have been an actress; but fate dealt her a wrong hand and she was born in Thornhill.

I'm on a bus. A man got on a while ago and he looks like he's CGI. We've just passed another man who looks exactly the same, I think Pixar have opened up a studio in Thornhill Lees.

I'm on a bus. We've just left Birmingham. I certainly get about a bit, I'm a bit like a prostitute in that respect.

I'm on a bus. I've managed to keep the sickness at bay and I've sobered up. It's a strange position I find myself in, going to a place I've never been to before - Cheltenham. This sort of thing doesn't happen to people like me.

I'm on a bus. I've been fighting with an Americano for the past two hours, I think I'm winning.

I’m on a bus

I'm on a bus. I must have a stone in my welly boot or something, I daren't take it off as my feet probably really smell. The smell would be really offensive, even to the people of Dewsbury. It'd tell vulgar jokes, not say pardon when expelling flatulence, insult your mother's new hat and just generally be a tosser. It's not worth it.

I'm on a bus. This bus is going awfully slow, we're getting our monies worth but all I wanted was a quick fix, not anything that lasted too long, I regret even getting this bus, I should never have got on this bus.

I'm on a bus. The bus driver is a man with a mullet, he is exactly how you'd expect a man with a mullet to be reckless, foolhardy, brash, daring, and fearless. Just like Pat Sharp.

I'm on a bus. A man is on the bus who was on the bus this morning, he now has dandruff in his hair that wasn't there this morning.

I'm on a bus. An elderly man is sat in front of me and he's reading the Daily Mail, I'm having a look at it over his shoulder. From what I've seen so far it's full of absolute fucking dross, nothing in it thus far is newsworthy. How anybody entertains this shit is beyond me, he's old enough to know better.

I’M WAITING FOR A BUS, IT’S LIKE WAITING FOR A PIZZA THAT NEVER COMES I'm on a bus. It's at times like these that I envy people who work in ASDA, look at them in their lime green shirts, strutting through the bus station like they're made of teflon and nothing will stick. I bet those twats work on the freezer aisle too, it wouldn't surprise me, it would not surprise me.

Whereas I'm wearing black and feel like an ice lolly left to melt to death in the midday sun.

I'm on a bus. I have work at 5pm, but bus drivers think of nobody but themselves. He even has a cup of coffee, I don't have a cup of coffee, clearly my needs are not even a second-thought to him. It should take me 40 minutes to get to work, not an hour, ARRIVA will be hearing from me soon enough.

I'm on a bus. A man sits outside the Principles pub, he looks like Sarah Connor as a skeleton from that scene in Terminator 2. I'm glad Principles is shutting down, it's about time. It's such a horrible place, full of people who are bad to the bone. The Principles is full of highwaymen, vagabonds, hoodlums, ruffians, and lawbreakers. The Principles is full of people with no principles.

I'm waiting for a bus. I'm wearing pink socks, people may think I'm edgy but I'm as edgy as a satsuma and as robust as a cracker.

I'm on a bus. A woman on this bus doesn't look very happy, like she's just been told her favourite television programme is coming to an end. The truth of the matter is that nobody can be happy travelling with ARRIVA. I'm on a bus. My glasses are so soiled it's really hard to see out of them, I'd probably be better off not wearing them at all.

In fact, they've probably affected my view of the world.

A WOMAN STRUGGLES TO OPEN A CHEESE AND ONION SANDWICH, IT’S LIKE WATCHING THE KRYPTON FACTOR I'm on a bus. Someone looks at me like they've never seen anything quite like me before in their life. They really haven't, I'm their worst nightmare. We're in Chickenley.

I'm on a bus. Someone has in their pushchair a bag of shopping instead of a baby. It figures because people in Chickenley shouldn't be having children.

I'm on a bus. Someone frantically presses the bell, people in Chickenley cannot wait to get back to their hovels.

I'm on a bus. A boy gets on, he's wearing all black, he looks like he's sweltering in this blistering heat. I made the tactical decision to wear light-coloured shorts today, strategically I have the upper hand.

I'm on a bus. I'm listening to 'Break On Through' by The Doors. If Thornhill broke on through to the other side it could really be something, but instead it's as unremarkable and as squalid as it ever was.

I'm on a bus. I'm the youngest person on this bus by a country mile, I'm sharing a bus with seniors in their twilight years. It's almost poetic and poignant, but we're in Thornhill Lees so it's not.

I'm on a bus. A man in magenta trousers carries a camping bag - he wants to leave Thornhill but he knows he never will. I know you can't, believe me I've tried. I don't know why he's torturing himself like this.

IT’S GETTING VERY CROWDED INDEED, I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD ALL MAKE FRIENDS I'm in the bus station. A woman tells me she was sat at the wrong stand. What is she telling me for? I didn't ask for her life story.

I'm in the bus station. A man waiting for the bus has a shirt with beer bottles patterned all over it, they look like bottles of San Miguel. He must either really like San Miguel or really rubbish shirts.

I'm on a bus. I got on this bus for free, a woman gave me a bus ticket. I must look like the sort of guy who is constantly on the lookout for a bus to catch. The only thing my beady little eye is searching for is my next fix of Fleetwood Mac. I'm on a bus. I'm on a new double-decker. This double-decker doesn't have windy stairs like the old double-deckers. It seems that buses are advancing towards a future that has no need for windy stairs. I wonder what the windy stairs community have to say about this.

I'm on a bus. A man sits at the front of the top deck of the bus.

He looks like a London gangster on the balcony of a tower block observing his manor. We're in Chickenley so it isn't much of a manor, but still...

I'm on a bus. We pass a "Specialist Pie Shop", the only thing specialist about it is that someone actually has the skills in Chickenley to make a pie. In Chickenley people don't even have the skills to wipe their own arse.

I'm on a bus. I'm wearing one sock on one foot and three on the other foot, due to a blister. It looks like I have a built-up shoe.

This is how I roll.

I'm on a bus. There's a couple of Mormons who are up to no good, started preaching Mormon in my neighbourhood.

I'm on a bus. The Mormons keep tightly hold of their Book of Mormon, it must be very dear to them. I dread to think what it'd taste like if I were to lick it when their sweaty paws have been on it in this weather. I almost shudder at the thought.

I'm on a bus. We're about to pass through Chickenley, it’s a good job I haven't had anything to eat yet as I might have been about to throw it all up. Chickenley can make the meanest of men nauseous, but facing it at this time on a morning? Well it's a ballsy move to say the least.

I'm on a bus. Chickenley seems to be under construction, all the holes and yellow plastic barriers make Chickenley look much more like a cess pit than it already is.

I'm on a bus. I have no idea why they're trying to rejuvenate Chickenley, it'll never be able to compete with the likes of Dewsbury. Some people may say that they're trying to get Chickenley back to its brilliant best, but Chickenley doesn't have a brilliant best to get back to.

IT’S LUDICROUSLY HOT. I’M SO WARM AND WET. I’M LIKE A RAINFOREST. I'm on a bus. A man who boarded the bus in Chickenley asks me for the time. Well at least I think he asked me for the time, he could have been addressing me as "Tim", I'm not sure. I think this man is drunk and it's only 10am. I'd shake this man's hand as that's quite a feat, but I'm scared I may catch something I'm on a bus. A woman shouts "Natalie, I'm over here!" This isn't some elongated wormhole, buses aren't that big.

Somebody could cough and you'll know exactly whodunit.

I'm on a bus. I'm on the 284. I like the bus drivers of the 284, they're realistic. They don't live in the clouds with their heads up their arses like ARRIVA bus drivers do. It also cost me £2 to Dewsbury as opposed to £2.60. This means that when I pay with five squid I still have enough money for a pint, this to me makes economic sense.

I’m on a bus

I'm on a bus. I've just seen the quizmaster from The Pheasant, he was in the center of Dewsbury looking very puzzled.

I'm on a bus. We pass Anne's cafe in Dewsbury, well that was a short-lived venture wasn't it? Probably because it looked crap and had a rubbish name. This isn't me being a twat, if you have eyes and have seen this place you'll know exactly what I mean. It was so much better when it was 'Chatters'. I once got told off at my own birthday party for bursting my own balloons at Chatters, it was my birthday party and I was intent on doing whatever the fuck I wanted, my mum and the proprietor thought otherwise.

I'm on a bus. 23 years on this planet and all I have to show for it is a bag of pesto crisps, but who's laughing now? He who laughs last laughs longest.

I'm on a bus. A woman who looks like she's been sucking lemons for eternity is on here, I bet she tastes like them too.

I'm on a bus. A METRO newspaper lies motionless on a seat, it states on the front page, "Now Paedophiles now abuse live."

This is why I don't read the METRO, you'd get more news looking in a dirty puddle.

I'm on a bus. It's the 284. No, I hadn't heard of it either before I found myself sat on it, it looks very strange a bit like an amalgamation of an American school bus and a sunshine bus.

One of my personal highlights is the 'extra leg room' it's clearly designed for somebody who's 20-foot tall. The bus driver doesn't even look like a bus driver, he looks like a man who's on holiday.

I'm on a bus. Out of the window a man struggles to ride his bicycle with a trailer on the back of it. It'd be far more efficient and he'd move a whole lot faster, not to mention look pretty fucking cool if he just had a wheelbarrow.

Yesterday I fell asleep on the bus. The bus driver touched my knee in order to wake me up. I was wearing very short shorts and my knobbly knees must have looked quite refreshing in this heat. It is still not an excuse to touch my knee and I felt quite violated, dazed, and uncomfortable afterwards. I'm considering taking this further, for a man to place his hands on me without my permission is wrong. I'm not a piece of meat.

I'm on a bus. A child launches a plastic bottle full pelt down the bus. The 284 is not without its perils, but I suppose you have to take the rough with the smooth after all we are in Thornhill where everything is more rough than smooth.

I'm on a bus. I'm drinking a Dutch energy drink and eating spicy tomato crisps. Bus picnic!

I'm on a bus. A woman combs her afro, it's just like how they do it in the movies.

I'm on a bus. The woman pats her afro like it's a cat who's just learnt how to use a litter tray. That's a good afro.

THE GIRL IN FRONT OF ME IS FREEZING TO DEATH, WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? WHERE IS THE HEAT? I'm on a bus. This dutch energy drink tastes a bit like sick.

I'm still going to drink it.

I'm on a bus. Above me there's a red button with a picture of a lady on it. I'm considering pressing it. Maybe in a couple of hours when I'm feeling braver and a bit more daring.

I'm on a bus. A truck goes past, on it it says "Sweets of Yesteryear" - surely this is just a better way of saying that they're out of date?

I'm on a bus. A sign reads "Tiredness Can Kill". This is why I don't sleep, I just go into a trance so that I'm ready to pounce.

I'm on a bus. Some children who got on at Leicester have been saying "Ladies and Gentleman, we're in London!" for the past 3 hours when we clearly haven't. I wish someone would give them a map or tell them to shut up. These children keep walking up and down the aisle, these kids weren't brought up they were dragged up. Sit down, put a seatbelt on them or put them on a leash.

I'm on a bus. A child holds onto a bus ticket, he has yet to realise that after this bus ride the ticket is meaningless. He has a lot to learn about life and he's only just beginning.