Jay Woo - 一個失憶的少年 A teenager with lost memories

Y A J ACROSS THE LENS

O O W

⼀個失

⼗⼆⽉⼗⼋⽇ 星期⼀ ⾬轉晴

下午四點，我背起了⼀只舊的雙肩包，前往與⼀位特別的少年會 ⾯，他是⼀名就讀國際學校的⾼中⽣。他做⾜⼼理準備，以平靜 的⼼境向我們揭開了他不願⾯對⾃⼰的⼀⾯。我們從宿舍乘電梯 到⼆樓，停下了腳步，把臉貼在玻璃上向內窺探，看⾒⼀男⼀⼥ 坐在沙發上窸窸窣窣在談話，窗外是稀稀落落的⾬幕。找到⼀個 舒適的沙發後，我們坐下，便開始了對話，我⼼急地想知道失去 記憶的Jay，還會感到快樂嗎？

「事情發⽣在幾年前，我發覺當跟朋友聊起過去的點點滴滴時， 我對他們提起的事毫無印象。起初，他們以為我在逗他們玩，但 事實上，我真的無法記起。不僅如此，好幾次我甚⾄連家⾨的密 碼也忘掉了，當時家裏沒有⼈，我只好在外⾯默默徘徊。應付學 校的功課也變得越來越吃⼒，記憶捉弄⼈，重覆學習過很多次的 東西依然模糊不實。經過檢查後，我被迫接受⼀個太過離奇的事 實：我罹患了失憶症。當時，我才⼗⼆歲。」Jay 抿了抿嘴，類 似苦笑。 「當時你周遭的⼈都知道你的情况嗎？」

失憶的少年 「我沒有跟我的朋友透露關於記憶衰退的事，因為在韓國，⼈們 會為⾃⼰的『不正常』⽽感到羞恥，寧可⾃⼰⼀聲不吭地承受。 再加上學業壓⼒⼤，我決定換⼀個環境，希望可以從零開始。兩 年前，我選擇在多倫多⼀所國際學校繼續學業。我作好⼼理準 備，要花⽐ ⼈多數倍的時間做功課。⺠間流傳⼀句俗語：「好 記憶不如爛筆頭」，我無法回憶的事情就⼀遍⼀遍不厭其煩地筆 錄下來，我相信肌⾁會有記憶的。」

别

「除了勤筆頭，你還有甚麼輔助記憶的妙⽅嗎？」 「每天我會拍攝許多照⽚，晚上躺在床上會翻閱每⼀張，這成為 了我每天的奇妙亮點！我會驚訝地發現⾃⼰曾到過這些地⽅，慶 幸這些記憶都被留存下來，使我回味這些雖然平凡卻寶貴的經 歷，只是…我對這⼀切都沒有印象！因此，傷感也油然⽽⽣，直 到⼊睡。」 他停頓⽚刻，「要知道，過去對我來說是多麼的重 要。」 「哦，」我回應，「我卻⽼被過去糾纏，蠻想擺脱它！」

平凡

「也對。失憶最⼤的好處就是把不愉快的事也會⼀併忘記。」他 咧嘴笑得很甜。「傷感也只是略略的⼀點，因為與失憶本⾝的痛 苦相⽐，那已經是微不⾜道了。現在，失憶對我來說已經算不上 甚麼痛苦。我的⽣活忙碌⼜充實，已經很少去想失憶的事了。每 個⼈都有⾃⼰的難處，所以不會把這些視為甚麼⼤不了的事情， 我會盡⼒讓⾃⼰⽣活得像 ⼈⼀樣。」

别

「嗯，你覺得患上了失憶到現在，磨煉出了甚麼特質呢？」 「我擁有⼀個強⼤的內⼼，我以此為豪。我依然期待著有朝⼀⽇ 能夠找回丢失的記憶，好也罷，賴也罷，那都是我⼈⽣的⼀部 份，是我之所以為我的原因…」

凡卻寶貴 ⾬漸漸停了，窗上滑落的⾬滴，在路燈的橘⿈燈光映照下，閃爍 於暮⾊之中，彷彿它們感知到了甚麼，整個空間變寂靜。我隨⼿ 拿起⼀⽀筆，在玻璃上畫了⼀個沒有邊界的笑臉。轉⾝欲離開， 卻發現雙肩包不⾒了，四周找了⼀下，原來靠在室友⾝上，室友 ⽴在電梯旁向我招⼿。

A teenag December 18th, Monday, skies clearing after the rain.

It was 4pm in the afternoon. Slinging an old backpack over my shoulders, I set off to meet a rather special youth, a highmschool student, at an international school. With a prepared mentality, he reveals a side of himself that he prefers not to confront. Taking the elevator from the dormitory down to the second floor, we stop, press our faces against the glass and glance in a room. Inside were a boy and a girl chattering away on the sofa, a dense sprinkle of rain is visible from the window. Upon the discovery of a comfortable sofa, Jay and I sit down for a conversation, with me desperately wanting to know whether he’d ever feel happy with his memories lost.

ger with ‘It all started a few years ago. My friends and I were reminiscing about the memories we had together in the past but I couldn’t recall a single thing they said. At first, they thought I was messing around with them, but I genuinely couldn’t remember anything. Not only that, but I also managed to forget the passcode of our door at home, and with nobody at home yet, I could only quietly wander outside. Dealing with homework at school also started to become a tough nuisance with a messed-up memory, and content I’ve tried to memorize remains uncertain. A few checkups later, I learned the bizarrely harsh truth that I was someone with amnesia.

Not to mention that I was only twelve,’ Jay smiles bitterly.

‘Did people around you know about this condition that you have?’

‘I didn’t tell my friends about it since we people in Korea feel ashamed of any “abnormalities” we have, and I’d rather quietly bear it myself. Moreover, with escalating academic pressure, I decided to switch up my environment and start anew. I chose to settle and continue my studies in a Torontonian international school two years ago and was determined to put much more effort and time into homework than other people.

There’s a saying that goes, “have a worn-out pen rather than a good memory”, and I patiently write down whatever I wouldn’t be able to remember over and over again. I believe that my muscle memory can make up for what I lack in my head.’

‘Apart from lots of writing, are there any tricks you utilize to help with remembering things?’

‘I take lots of photos every day and I go through them every night on my bed. Eventually, it became the highlight of my day since I’d realized that I’d been to these places before even though I'd forgotten. I’m glad these memories are preserved in a way and that I get to savour these seemingly typical yet precious experiences. It’s just that I have no recollection of them happening at all, which is why some sort of sorrow emerges and lingers until I fall asleep,’ he paused. ‘You have no idea how much the past means to me.’

‘Oh really!’ I said, ‘I’m always troubled and entangled in the past and I’ve always wanted to get rid of it.’

‘Well, that’s also true. The best thing about amnesia is that you get to forget everything unpleasant that has happened as well.’ Jay breaks into a smile. ‘I guess sadness isn’t that significant when you compare it to the actual pain you could’ve experienced and remembered. Honestly, amnesia doesn’t even pain me anymore nowadays. With a busy and fulfilling life, I seldom think about the fact that I have amnesia anymore. Everyone has their own hardships to deal with and I wouldn’t think of my amnesia as a big weakness or disadvantage. I am trying and will try my best living my life as anyone else would.’

pr

‘Right. Are there any characteristics or traits you think you’ve developed since you’ve been diagnosed with amnesia?’

‘I think I’m the proudest of how much inner strength I hold. And I am still on the hunt for forgotten memories in hopes of them coming back to me one day. Whether they were good or bad memories, they are all parts of my life and they are what makes me “ME”.’

The rain eventually ceases. Raindrops sliding across the window sparkles within the remnants of dusk under the streetlight’s orange glow, as if they sensed something, rendering the space silent. I casually pick up a pen and draw a borderless smiley face on the glass pane. As I turn to leave, I experience a moment of panic when I notice that my backpack is nowhere to be seen. However, moments later, I find it resting on my roommate who is waving at me next to the elevator.

recious precious

Contrib Publisher

Writer (Chinese

Across U-hub

Kelly Liang

Translator

Designer

Moses Mui

Tiffany Ore

The views, information and opinions e involved and do not represent the office v

本刊物所登載之個⼈表達的觀點、資料及意⾒，並

butors

e)

Editorial Team

Celeste Cheung

Kelly Liang

Nancy Fok

Nicole Wong

Sonia Lui

Stephanie Mak

Tiffany Ore

expressed are those of the individuals views or opinions of Across U-hub.

並不代表燃動⻘年的機構意⾒或⽴場。