VOL. I
A FIELD GUIDE TO HUMANS
TOM BORREMANS & SVEN VAN D EN EY N DE
THE PEOPLE SPOTTER’S GUIDE
Introduction Forty thousand years ago, a yet to be identified Homo Sapiens killed the last Neanderthal man. While the crime investigation is still ongoing, much of the evidence points to a settling of scores linked to drugs. Since that day, some scientists believe that we are the only human species on our planet. Some scientists doubt this assumption however, choosing to overlook all the alternative facts from genetics, paleontology, archaeology and evolutionary biology. They believe we are all different, but some of us are more different than others. Excavations of the remains of a murdered Neanderthal man. Given the lack of weapons to kill each other, many victims were often covered under a thick layer of sand, which significantly complicated the unearthing of their remains.
The main premise of this first volume of The People Spotter’s Guide is that different types of people do indeed exist. As archivists of human behaviour, we have attempted to establish a classification of humans. Please note that spotting should be interpreted as noticing or observing something or someone in a neutral way and taking notes on their behaviour. By no means should it be understood as staining someone’s character or reputation. In addition, this scientific treatise is a field guide and, what’s more, a game. If you happen to observe a specific type of human on your daily foraging expeditions, then you can jot down your observations in the boxes under each type. Did you happen to spot an individual with colour-congruent socks and Crocs, a matchy-matchy couple or a Homo Mechanophilicus, then just tick the box. And score points! 6
The rarer the type you sighted, the more points you score. We have used some highly complicated algorithms, such as educated guesses, our intuition and a general lack of time, to determine our points scale. THE ETHICAL SPOTTER
Before you set out on your first people spotting expedition, you must remember a few basic but crucial rules: People spotting is an activity that should be exercised with dignity and respect. Always remember that a good ‘people spotter’ spots but is never spotted.
☞
aware of certain signs that are indicative of ☞ Be the spottee’s unease. A raised middle finger has
frequently been observed as a response. Other behaviours, such as smashing your binoculars and/or smartphone or putting out a burning cigarette in your iris, should not be disregarded.
spotting is first and foremost a visual activity. ☞ People Always remember to observe a safe distance.
☞ Above all, invest in robust and high-quality equipment.
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HOMO SANDALIUM NOVUM CALCIAMIENTI
#1
SOCKS IN CROCS
The right way to wear Crocs.
40 PTS
The wrong way to wear Crocs. (Note: these are not original Crocs. They are a cheaper version of this type of already highly affordable footwear.)
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A rarely mentioned side-effect of wearing Crocs is the combination with socks. To date, scientists are still uncertain why this is a necessity as an important advantage of Crocs is that they let in air. Odour and perspiration are thus reduced to the minimum, making socks redundant.
Bonus points if the socks and Crocs are colour-coordinated.
#1 — SOCKS IN CROCS
What makes Crocs so popular is that it is all-round footwear. Crocs can be worn both indoors and outdoors. As they are so comfy, the majority of the wearers now consider their Crocs to be an extension of their body, that has fused to their feet and which can never be taken off. This is especially the case in households where members want to be able to rush out to the corner shop at the drop of a hat to appropriately respond to an acute shortage of Marlboro Reds.
150 PTS
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
A recently-discovered subtype of this type of human is Homo Sandalium Novum in Calciamienti. Bizarrely, these people wear Crocs in their socks. To date, not many examples of this 1,000 strange behaviour PTS have been sighted. 9
HOMO SANDALIUM NOVUM CALCIAMIENTI
Father (right) and son (left). Together they represent two generations of socks-wearing fans of permeable footwear.
25 PTS
Photo left: The precursor of socks in Crocs: socks in sandals. Ten bonus points if the sock skims the bottom of the knee cap.
S POTTED:
❑ ❑ ❑ ❑
Socks in sandals: 2 5 P T S Socks in Crocs: 4 0 P T S Socks and Crocs in the same colour: 1 5 0 P T S Crocs in socks: 1 , 0 0 0 P T S
Date:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Location:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Additional information:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..................................................................................................................................
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LEARN MORE
5 percent believe that this will be the new trend: FiveFinger shoes in flip-flops.
#1 — SOCKS IN CROCS
10 percent of trendwatchers believe that white socks in FiveFinger shoes will become the new trend.
S H O E A N O M A L I E S
2 percent of all trendwatchers believe that burning at the stake will be temporarily reintroduced, resulting in the mass persecution of FiveFinger shoe wearers.
83 percent of all trendwatchers have a second job to make ends meet.
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HOMO SECURITATIS INFERIORIS
#2 SECURITY OFFICERS WHO This sub-branch of the Homo Securitatis genus tends to inspire aggression rather than temper it. This aggression is inspired by the fact that members of Homo Securitatis Inferioris seem incapable of singlehandedly neutralising eruptions of violence even though this is one of their core tasks, as security professionals. Scientists think that the existence of this species can be explained by a failure of evolutionary selection. The general public’s collective lack of a sense of security has given rise to an increased demand for security guards. As a result, punier types can now also apply for a job in security.
25 PTS
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#2 — SECURITY OFFICERS WHO LOOK LIKE A PUSH-OVER
LOOK LIKE A PUSH - OVER
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HOMO MOSLIMA MOBILIA
#18 HIJABIS AND THEIR PHONES
The Arabs did not just invent our numeral system, they were also the pioneers of handsfree calling.
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Clasping a mobile phone between one’s ear and hijab is a Muslim adaptation of an older, animistic, African custom whereby one’s phone is kept in one’s extended ear lobe.
This man initially owned two mobile phones. Sadly, the phone on the right was stolen but as we can observe in the photo, this man is clearly not too depressed about it.
40 PTS
❑ SPOT T E D
40 PTS PER PHONE
Date:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..............................................................
Location:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..............................................................
Additional information:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .............................................................. ..............................................................
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#18 — HIJABIS AND THEIR PHONES
This creative use of the Muslim dress code is not just a powerful response to those who have their doubts about whether Islam is compatible with western enlightened thinking. It also proves – albeit indirectly – the assumption that Muslim women have ears like their Christian counterparts, a fact that has generally been denied by critics of Islam.
HOMO ONATORIS EXTERIORIS
#19 THE PUBLIC SELF-GRATIFICATOR
Although this behaviour is highly objectionable, this man has fortunately chosen to practise onanism at dusk, turning his back on the main land.
As can be surmised from the title, men or women who indulge in public self-gratification do this in a public or semi-public context. They are easily recognised by the strange facial spasms and the rapid up-and-down movements of their preferred self-service hand (usually the preferred writing hand). The aim of course is friction on the genitals to promote sexual pleasure.
Such behaviour is inspired by a bad Internet connection, but this does not explain why this type of behaviour is so frequently observed out doors. Thanks to vigorous research by K. Prager, a doctoral student at the Royal College of Psychiatrists, a new and more plausible explanation was found for this behaviour.
500 PTS 64
HOMO APIUM MOBILIS TRANQUILIUS
#20 BEEKEEPER ON A BIKE
425 PTS
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As is the case in every industry, there are rotten apples in beekeeping too and not every beekeeper adheres to the unwritten bike rule. So-called bike and car beekeepers have often come to blows as a result. A duel between beekeepers is fought with foils. This phenomenon ultimately led to the invention of the sport of fencing. #20 — BEEKEEPER ON A BIKE
Although a bee colony consists of approximately 50.000 worker bees and 5000 drones, the accidental killing of a bee is still every mentally stable beekeeper’s worst nightmare. These beekeepers do not distinguish between a bee of their own colony or that of another beekeeper’s colony. That is why a beekeeper will always prefer a bike over a car to move from one hive to another regardless of the weather.
850 PTS
S POTTED
❑ ❑
Beekeeper on a bike: 4 2 5 P T S Two fighting beekeepers: 8 5 0 P T S
Date:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Location:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Additional information:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .................................................................................................................................. .
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HOMO VISUALIS OBSESSIVUS
#21 THE FIELD SPOTTER SPOTTED
Field spotters are people with a compulsive visual obsession. There are various types of field spotters, and they all like to indulge in their obsession in various ways. Some field spotters like to use digital or analogue photography to record their sightings. Others find a mental image sufficient. As the possibilities are endless, we have decided to limit ourselves to the most common forms. 68
A - THE TWITCHER
When observed from a distance, twitching may seem like an amicable, healthy and relaxing pastime. But nothing is further from the truth. The only things that really matter in life to twitchers are: a short shutter speed, good light and one or more birds. A colony of twitchers on average consists of eight to ten retired males.