ABIDE VOL. 2 | DECEMBER 2021
Translate Faith Into Lifestyle
YOUR NEXT PAIR OF
FALL BOOTS ARE IN HERE
PLUS: SUNDAY
SELF CARE KIT SUSAN DEBORAH’S
TESTIMONY OF HEALING FROM PAIN, LOSS & REJECTION. A MISFIT’S VIEW
WITH PATSY CUNNINGHAM
“GOD DOESN’T CALL THE QUALIFIED. HE QUALIFIES THE CALLED.”
Meet The Black Heroine We’ve All Been Waiting For
JESSICA KIDD
Out with the Old
IN WITH THE NEW “God had to make me confident enough to pour everything into someone else and not feel like I was lacking.”
FROM THE EDITOR
EDITOR’S LETTER This issue is a testament to the restorative power of God. I pray the women in this issue will be your assurance that God will never leave you destitute.
PHOTOGRAPHY BY AYO STEPHENS
T
To me, restoration is God’s promise that He will never let the stain of sin consume me. He’ll never let my pain, insecurity, or generational curses win. I can choose to persevere knowing, sooner or later, I’ll be made anew in Christ Jesus. As I embark on building ABIDE from nothing, I sometimes feel I’ve lost more than I’ve won. Friends have left. Money is scarce. My sense of security is wavering. And my peace is constantly challenged. Still, I await confidently and patiently on the Lord to restore what I’ve surrendered to Him in accordance to His will. Though there are countless unknowns, this I know for sure: my redeemer lives. I will again rest among rivers of milk and honey.
OUT with the OLD
IN with the NEW December 2021 | ABIDE
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FROM THE EDITOR
Affirmation
This issue is a testament to the restorative power of God. I pray the women in this issue will be your assurance that God will never leave you destitute. Starting with our cover star, Jessica Kidd, who is the owner of House of Bombshell salon. Kidd talks candidly about her season of singleness and journey to becoming the heroine she is today. Also featured is Susan Deborahs, podcast host of Faith & Life. After enduring years of abuse, loss and pain, Susan Deborahs testifies to God’s day by day attentive care to restore her sense of worth, joy, peace and stability.
“When you walk through deep waters, you will not drown, and through the fire you will not be burned. The flames will not consume you.” —ISAIAH 43: 2
Next up, Patsy Cunningham, licensed clinical counselor, testifies to God’s power to restore even those who seem “unqualified” or “unworthy”. Last, but certainly not least, Felicia Buthelezi, Founder of “I Do” Magazine, urges us to restore our perspective on the definition of love and healthy relationships. May you experience restoration in the most transformative way possible.
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Out with the Old
IN WITH THE
NEW
16 MONEY & CAREER
Jessica Kidd, owner of House of Bombshell, speaks on the radical restoration she experienced in her career and love life.
08 BOOT DUPE
24 FIVE RESOURCES
Cue the camera and make your mark this season with these hand selected boots.
Black women are realizing that investing is for them too...even without a great surplus in income.
GUIDE
FOR INVESTING
MISFIT’S 28 AVIEW
Licensed clinical counselor and Public Health Analyst Patsy Cunningham presents the misfit’s point of view on mental health.
36
SUNDAY SELF-CARE KIT
Revive your mind, body, and spirit with these hand-selected health and wellness products.
Faith & Life podcast host Susan Deborah reminds us of the often forgotten characteristic of restoration.
MASTHEAD EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JOY CATO MARKETING MANAGER BRE’ANNA TRAVIS CONTRIBUTING WRITERS DEVA WILLEMSE JOY CATO GRAPHIC DESIGNER ROSANNA MOLLETT SPECIAL THANKS TO TANYAI CATO JONATHAN LESANE, JR. DARA OLAGBAMI PHOTOGRAPHY AYO STEPHENS VINCENT ONONOGBO
IS 48 WHAT LOVE?
Seven reasons to view your relationship from a new perspective.
56 ABIDE HIGHLIGHTS
Out With the Old. In With the New. Definition ABIDE’s restoration affirmation ABIDE’s open internship positions
DECEMBER 2021
38 RESTORING FAITH
December 2021 | ABIDE
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STYLE & BEAUTY
BOOT DUPE GUIDE
KNEE HIGHS | INTRO The Knee high boot trend proves one thing: height matters...at least when it comes to your next pair of Fall footwear. No, ankle boots aren’t fleeing the scene. But if you want to be fashion forward in Fall 2021, get yourself a pair of knee high boots. The key trend is to pair them under a midi skirt!
INTRO | CUE THE BOOT CAM. MAKE YOUR MARK THIS SEASON WITH THE BEST DUPES FOR THE MOST ON TREND BOOTS FOR FALL 2021.
ORIGINAL STAUD Aimee Boots Price: $495
Franco Sarto Dorica Knee High Boot Price: $249
Franco Sarto Katherine Knee High Boot Price: $159
Leather boots with tall leg Price: $229.99
Cate Knee High Boot WHO WHAT WEAR Price: $159
Hanifa Zoe Boots Price: $659
Leather boots with tall leg Price: $249.99
Azalea Wang Wedge Boot Price: $119
Zara Heeled Leather Boots Price: $279
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STYLE & BEAUTY
GANNI kneehigh chunky boots Price: $502
Circus By Sam Edelman Dollie Tall Boot Price: $140
Maple Lug Sole Price: $150
Credit: Slipintostyle
LUG SOLES | INTRO Tis’ the season for chunky androgynous boots... and we completely understand the seasonal hype. Lug sole boots are the perfect go-to shoe for an effortless, fashion forward look. Pair them with distressed jeans, midi skirts or even trousers and, viola, you’re runway ready.
ORIGNAL: Bottega Veneta Lug Price: $1,150
Barclay Sand & Leather Price: $139.95
Fera Over the Knee Boot Price: $170
Char Price: $109.95
Solid Color Ankle Boot Price: $49.90
BOOT DUPE
December 2021 | ABIDE
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STYLE & BEAUTY
DUCK BOOT SEASON | INTRO Don’t worry, your trusty pointed boot will always be a Fall closet staple. But this year, say hello to a sophisticated square toe boot. Sure, they may slightly resemble a Duck’s bill, but don’t let that throw you off. These duck boots provide a breath of fresh Fall air to any cropped denim jean, midi skirt or anything in between.
ORIGINAL: Manu Atelier Duck Boots Price: $605
Heel Leather Ankle Boot Price: $99.99
Roxie center-seam ankle boots in leather Price: $174.50
Lynden Green Price: $119.95
BOOT DUPE
Elastic high heel boots Price: $119.99
Pointed heel ankle boot Price: $59.99
Mango Leather boots Price: $149.99
Asos Design Rosa leather ankle boots Price: $129
Jeffrey Campbell Jerema Boot Price: $174.95
December 2021 | ABIDE
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STYLE & BEAUTY
CROC EFFECT | INTRO Stock up on croc! Dip your toe into the animal print trend pool with a croc-effect boot. Whether you want to add a statement boot to your all-black boot lineup or want to drop a pretty penny on a lifelong boot, there are plenty of styles just waiting for you to sink your teeth into. ORIGINAL: Paris Texas Crocodile Effect Knee High Boots Price: $647
Maryana CrocodileEmbossed Leather Boot Price: $238
Croc Flare Heeled Ankle Boots Price: $44.55
Schutz Maryana Flare Croc-Embossed Leather Boots Price: $238
Mamian Pointed Toe Stretch Flat Boots Price: $149
Steve Madden Henson Black Price: $69.99
BOOT DUPE
Free People Soho Square Toe Croc Ankle Boots Price: $268
Asya CrocodileEmbossed Leather Bootie Price: $198
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MONEY & CAREER
OUT IN with the with the OLD NEW INTRO | Jessica Kidd, owner of House of Bombshell, speaks on the radical restoration she experienced in her career and love life. INTERVIEWED BY JOY CATO PHOTOGRAPHY BY VINCENT ONONOGBO
Why did you decide to start House of Bombshell? I wanted a place where women of color, specifically black women, could come and be pampered in a laid-back, unpretentious setting; a place where they know they’re going to get the hair care that they need and the professionalism they deserve. And if they look to their left or right, they’ll see someone who looks like them. I wanted women to feel bomb. Where did the passion to empower women through beauty come from? Since I was a little girl, I was around hair. I remember going to the beauty salon with my aunt to get my hair done and to just be in the atmosphere. I remember seeing women come, be transformed, and leave feeling beautiful. I even loved the salon talk, even though there were some things I shouldn’t have been listening to. I loved that it was a place where women could come together. It was a place of fellowship. It was like a sanctuary. I always wanted my salon to feel that way.
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MONEY & CAREER
Also, I don’t have any sisters, but I’ve always desired sisterhood. House of Bombshell is a sisterhood. It’s a tribe. When you come in, you are encouraged and affirmed the minute you walk through the door. If you happen to forget at some point during your appointment that you are beautiful, you have to walk past a wall of affirmations before you can get to the shampoo bowl and back to the dryer. I want women to feel secure, confident, beautiful, bomb and sexy. How do you feel you got to this point of success? God had to get me to a place where I was secure and confident. I had worked in salons where the owner wasn’t a good leader because they were still trying to hustle and get theirs, so they couldn’t pour into me. Before I could open my salon, I knew God had to transform me and get me to a place where I was confident enough to pour everything into someone else and not feel like I was lacking. I had to reach a place of wholeness before I could really be the business owner and leader I am today.
I had to reach a place of wholeness before I could really be the business owner and leader I am today.
What would you say were some of those confidence boosters that made you the leader you are today? Genuinely believing that what God has for you is for you is a confidence booster. Sharing your knowledge with someone and knowing that doesn’t mean anything is being taken from you is another booster. And knowing that what you pour out, you will get back. God is a restorer. He’ll never leave you destitute.
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MONEY & CAREER
You’re also a newly wed! How did God bring your husband into the equation? Meeting my husband and starting my salon didn’t start happening for me until I reached a place of contentment. In my late 20’s and early 30’s, I was asking God, “Where is my husband and where is my salon? My life has got to be better than this.” One day, I said to God, “You know what, if it’s just you and me for the rest of my life I am okay with that.” While I was saying it, I was crying because at that moment everything I had dreamt about was disappearing. I started thinking, what would life be like if I’m called to a life of singleness. I was sad when I was speaking those words, but I was also relieved because I was relinquishing any control. I was surrendering by telling God “I am content with just you. If that’s how it is: no children, no husband for the rest of my life, I’m good. You are enough.” And I really meant it. Things didn’t start happening until I reached that place. I really think God was waiting for that moment. He wanted to know that my happiness wasn’t tied to another man, but tied to Him. I had to keep God first. I knew that my salon and my husband were attached to each other...I don’t know why. Maybe because they were the last two things I really desired. So, I knew when I met my husband, my salon wouldn’t be far behind. And sure enough, without me even mentioning my dream of a salon to my husband, one of the first conversations we had was about my business and goals. He said, “when you are ready, I want to invest in you.”
OUT with the OLD
I was surrendering by telling God “I am content with just you. If that’s how it is: no children, no husband for the rest of my life, I’m good. You are enough.”
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MONEY & CAREER
That was...different. I was like, “God, are you playing right now?” This person wants to invest in me and not just to get something in return...because the only return of investment he got was love. How did your mindset impact your business? I was a little too independent in my personal and business life. I had to be transformed to receive my husband’s investment. Because “Little Miss Independent” was like “ No, I’m good. I got this.” You know, I was a little too independent. God had to shift my mindset from being a small independent to the CEO of a million dollar industry. We’re not close to a million, but that’s how I treat it. House of Bombshell encourages outer and inner beauty. What’s your definition of beauty? My definition of beauty is how you feel from the inside out. If you feel confident, that’s beautiful. A physically, mentally, spiritually strong woman is the most beautiful thing. Someone who is fearless and courageous is beautiful. Beauty is more than skin deep.
IN with the NEW
Sold Exclusively at thehouseofbombshell.com Use Code: ABIDE to receive Free Shipping!
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MONEY & CAREER
Young Black Women Are Starting to Invest
5 RESOURCES TO GET YOU STARTED
For many women, the stock market seems like a daunting, incomprehensible, white men only club that skillfully blocks out middle to lower class earners. But with the emergence of easily accessible investment apps, that’s all beginning to change. Black women are now finding the joy in investing. While the racial investing gap is far from closing, a new study found that minorities entered the stock market during the pandemic. According to a 2021 CNBC|Momentive survey, 47% of Black and 45% of Hispanic investors started investing in the last 18 months, compared to 20% of their white counterparts. This rising trend is caused by several factors. One being the rise in black female finance influencers working to bring financial literacy to the mainstream.
Another reason being the emergence of micro-investing, investing small sums of money, made readily available through apps. Despite the harsh realities such as gender and racial pay gaps, Black women are realizing that investing is for them too...even without a great surplus in income. So, In light of further infiltrating a male dominated market, here are 5 resources that can help you start micro-investing and learning about the stock market today.
Black women are now finding the joy in investing.
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MONEY & CAREER
1. Public https://public.com/ Public helps you get started with investing no matter your level of wealth. It’s a social network where investors can own fractional shares of stocks and ETFs. For instance, one stock in Google currently is a whopping $2,997. With fractional investing, you can invest in a portion of that one stock. Plus, the website allows you to chat with real investors and prioritizes education so you actually understand why your stocks are going up or down. 2. Acorns https://www.acorns.com/?s1=google_search_ invest&gclid=Cj0KCQjwt-6LBhDlARIsAIPRQcKJ7f JaiGy04biTwls9rzoFMnnQQRBomTM204qsa0Mdr wk2uvags-EaAsTXEALw_wcB Plant your own big dollar harvest with Acorns. This is a financial service company that specializes in micro-investing. For instance, Acorns offers RoundUps where they round up any purchase from a linked account to the nearest dollar. After you accumulate $5, Acorns automatically invests your money. Of course, you can manage your Round-Ups via your account and issue one-time payments to boost your account value.
3. Ellevest https://shop.ellevest.com/
5. The Wealth Transfer Investing Course https://www.financesdemystified.com/
Ellevest is a financial company on a mission to get more money in the hands of women. Build your wealth and career, by investing with an algorithm that takes into account realities of women such as career breaks, pay gaps and longer lifespans. Plus, get one on one coaching with an investing and career expert.
Dominique Broadway, millennial personal finance expert, created an investment course with stepby-step lessons, guidebooks, live trainings and accountability in stock investing and building generational wealth. Broadway also offers a finance organizer, goal setting guidebook and a financial wellness bootcamp.
4. Brown Girls Invest http://www.browngirlsdoinvest.com/home.html Not all heroes wear capes, people. Brown Girls Do Invest brings financial awareness to empower the African American community to invest. It’s a nonprofit organization established to educate women to invest in stocks, real estate, and acquire multiple lines of income. Become a member to gain access to courses, ebooks, videos, training, monthly Q&A, forum, and guest speakers.
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HEALTH & WELLNESS
INTERVIEWED BY JOY CATO
INTRO | Emerging second to none from an impoverished community, Patsy Cunningham, clinical counselor of Dedicated Hearts Mental Health Practice and Public Health Analyst for the federal government, testifies to the very notion, “God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”
A Misfit’s
VIEW
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HEALTH &N WELLNESS
…they don’t dream big. Those with disadvantaged backgrounds don’t see themselves as leaders. They are not as motivated to go beyond their comfort zone. They are less likely to speak up for themselves and their children.
To someone who hasn’t met you, how would you introduce yourself? I am a licensed, clinical counselor and I currently work full time for the federal government as a Public Health Analyst. Also, I have a mental health private practice called Dedicated Hearts that I started in 2015. Why did you decide to build your career in the mental health arena? I grew up in the greater part of East Baltimore. Honestly, there was a lot of devastation. I saw a lot of people who had substance use disorders, mental health disorders and so much more. While I was working at a recreation center, I saw that a lot of children were impacted by their parents’ substance use disorders. They had a lot of issues with managing anger and resolving conflict. That inspired me to help.
How do you define a disadvantaged background? It’s individuals, usually minorities, who have challenges reaching the social determinants of health. These individuals may have issues with access to food and live in food deserts where the nearest grocery store is miles away. They may have issues with access to housing, quality healthcare or be struggling with a substance use disorder. Their only source of income is through food subsidy or cash assistance. Basically, it’s individuals who have challenges with accessing financial stability, housing and so many different areas within their social economic infrastructure.
How does a disadvantaged background affect an individual’s mindset when it comes to opportunity? Because the environment that these individuals see is typically the only environment they have access to, they don’t dream big. Those with disadvantaged backgrounds don’t see themselves as leaders. They are not as motivated to go beyond their comfort zone. They are less likely to speak up for themselves and their children. Let’s say someone who has a substance use disorder goes to their doctor. Sometimes they’re discriminated against, but they never file complaints. They may complain to their family, but they don’t feel comfortable speaking up for themselves because they think “who’s going to believe me over the doctor.” Oftentimes, they feel like they don’t have a voice. They don’t feel empowered.
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HEALTH & WELLNESS
God shines greater and brighter with people who appear to be the uncalled.
Do you think individuals with a disadvantaged background are aware they have this mindset? I don’t think they realize it. It’s just a part of their normalcy. To be honest, I’m from a disadvantaged background. My mom had a substance use disorder. She would go off for days at a time, which felt like months for me. I would stay with my grandparents who weren’t very wealthy. There were times we just didn’t eat. I remember going to the doctor with a condition that they just ignored because I had medicaid. There were so many corner stores in my part of town; but the one grocery store we had sold spoiled and rotten food. My mom didn’t work and received cash assistance. She also didn’t prioritize educating me, which resulted in starting school a bit late. Here’s the thing... I didn’t know we were poor. I didn’t realize I was considered an at-risk youth until I started to have access to people who didn’t have the same background as me.
How did you begin to shift your mindset? My saving grace was being very adamant about learning. So, I constantly surrounded myself with individuals who had different financial, spiritual, and family statuses than me. When I moved in with my aunt and uncle, I started to go to church with my neighbors. I even went to Baltimore City College where I had access to different kinds of resources. Once you start to have access to things that are different from your sense of normalcy, you start to think “Hey, I want better for myself.” Also, having a spiritual relationship helps to change your mind frame. It helps you feel worthy no matter where you come from, what you look like or what your current circumstances are. That was the catalyst and what continuously sustains me so I don’t relapse into insecure thoughts.
God always calls the unqualified to accomplish great things according to His will. How can this thought help someone with a disadvantaged background? When someone buys a house who you know already has access to money, it’s like “yeah, I knew you could do that.” But when you don’t have a job or even a high school education, it appears to be more of an accomplishment. You know God had His hand in that. To a person who is from a disadvantaged background or seems unqualified, it’s a mark of what God is capable of doing. It shows how faithful, loving and caring He is. It’s more of a motivating factor. In regards to my experience, people who meet me say it’s a mind-blowing experience. They can’t believe what I’ve come from based on where I currently am. God shines greater and brighter with people who appear to be the uncalled. You really get to say, “It’s not me. It’s Him.”
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HEALTH & WELLNESS What would you say to someone who is from a disadvantaged background or is still currently in disadvantaged environments trying to succeed? How can someone begin to heal mentally, emotionally and spiritually from a traumatizing background? 1 ADMITTANCE Healing starts with admittance; recognizing that it exists. If you don’t realize you are traumatized from living in a community where there were gunshots every night, you won’t heal. 2. IDENTIFY A HEALING ROUTE The second step is identifying what you want to do to heal. Not everyone wants to go to therapy. Some people want to go to a self-help group, some people want access to resources, some people want to do meditation while others want more spiritual healing. Make a decision on how you want to move forward. 3. TALK ABOUT IT Once you start talking about your trauma, it hurts because it’s like you’re reliving that experience, but you have to get it out. You have to process what happened to you. 4. BE CONSISTENT In order to heal, you have to repeatedly do the things that make you uncomfortable. Be consistent with your healing technique, whether it is therapy, medication, church, etc.
Don’t give up. Although it may seem tough right now and there’s no way out, God hasn’t forgotten about you. You’re worthy, despite anything. He can use you in the same way He can use a millionaire...maybe even better because you are more eager and desperate for God’s love. You are loved. God knows exactly where you are and has plans for your life. Don’t give up.
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HEALTH & WELLNESS
Sunday
SELF-CARE KIT INTRO | A Sunday well spent brings a week of content. Revive your mind, body and spirit with these hand chosen wellness products. CURATED BY JOY CATO
1. The Self-Love Workbook, $25.99 2. CBD Bath Gem, $15 3. Patchology FlashPatch™ Rejuvenating 5-Minute Eye Gels, $15 4. Mindfulness Dice, 18.95 5. Wellness Lollipops, $18 6. Stone Diffuser, $119 7. Unwind Essential Oils Kit, $54 8. Buttah Body Trio, $69.99 9. Motiva Women’s Daily Multivitamin, $30 10. CEO For Women Affirmation Cards, $34
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FAITH
RESTORED ING INTERVIEWED BY JOY CATO
INTRO | Through sharing her testimony of enduring years of abuse, pain and loss, Susan Deborah, podcast host of Faith & Life, reminds us of an often forgotten characteristic of restoration: it’s always in motion.
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FAITH
I also wanted to give people insight on how faith can be a catalyst to thriving in life.
For someone who doesn’t know you, how would you introduce yourself? I’m a speaker, a writer, and an entrepreneur. I love working specifically with women to give them tools to thrive in faith and life. You actually have a podcast called Faith and Life? Why did you start it? I wanted to bring real conversation about particular topics that we don’t have an opportunity to discuss in a Sunday service. Topics like marriage, sex, businesss or motherhood. I also wanted to give people insight on how faith can be a catalyst to thriving in life. I want to ask questions like, where does God fit in the area of business and entrepreneurship? Where does God stand when it comes to my sexuality? Where does God sit when it comes to my pain?
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FAITH You have a very powerful IG highlight titled “Testimony” where you share a bit of the pain you’ve personally experienced. Can you share your story? Sure. I lost my mom when I was 7. I didn’t know my dad, but he passed away before I turned 11. When my mom died, it was like a rug getting pulled out from under my feet. Everything changed for me. Before my mom passed away, it was just the two of us. When she got sick and was taken to the hospital, social services got involved. Of course, I got taken away. The last time I saw my mom she was in the hospital bed with lots of wires and tubes. I had brought a picture of myself for her because I wanted her to know I was with her. When I gave it to her, she started crying. That was the last time I saw her. After she passed, no one had that conversation with me that she was gone. I didn’t know what was happening. I just started to piece it all together. I think it was hard for them to have that kind of conversation with a young child. So, I didn’t have that closure.
I want to ask questions like, where does God fit in the area of business and entrepreneurship?
After that, I went through sexual, domestic, mental and physical abuse. At the age of 14, I went to live with a relative and it was a really abusive household. So, I really battled with depression and suicidal thoughts. That was the point in my life where I had an understanding that God could possibly be real. But, I just couldn’t reconcile how God could allow me to go through so much pain,hurt,rejection, and loss at such a young age. God was allowing me to persevere through what I was going through. It was one of the darkest times of my life.
One particular day, I was questioning the meaning of life, and I found a book titled “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I opened it up and read, “You were born for this time.” Even though the book was taken away from me for reasons I still don’t know, I felt that was a God moment. He was keeping me alive because I was really suicidal. Fast forward to when I was 16, I was homeless. I was sofa surfing trying to figure it out. I broke up with my boyfriend and went into a deep depression.
While I was living in the most hostile, horrible and dingiest environment, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “go to church.” I went. I finally felt the peace and stability that I had been wanting for so long. I felt God’s presence with me. There was something different. I felt safe. And the journey continued from there. I still struggled a lot in terms of my identity and my sense of belonging. In a nutshell, that is what has led me to this point.
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FAITH
If we say the word, “restored”, it means it’s done and finished. But restoring is an action verb.
How did that abuse impact your mental health? I had this feeling that I didn’t belong; that there was no room for me. As humans, one of our deepest longings is to belong, to be a part, to be loved, to be known. That abuse was like rejection. It was telling me “You aren’t necessary.” Mentally, I saw myself through a very jaded and dark lens. You know, if everyone else doesn’t like you, you usually still have a few people who love you. But I didn’t even have that. I didn’t know where my place was. I experienced an absence of purpose. That’s why when I read just that one page of “The Purpose Driven Life”, it interrupted what I was feeling. It spoke to an area of insignificance.
Where are you now with those feelings of depression and insignifiance? It’s been about 7 years in the making, but I’ve come to the place where I feel like my past doesn’t drive my present or my future. You know, if God would take care of everything at once, we would be a wreck. Healing is day-by-day. I wish I had known that when I was younger because it would have relieved the tension. Now, I’m very sure of who I am, where I’m going, and what I need to do to stay healthy mentally and emotionally. I believe my success is more internal than external. I know how dark and broken I was. And it has taken work and I’m still working on it.
How would you say God restored your life? I would say He is restoring me. If we say the word, “restored”, it means it’s done and finished. But restoring is an action verb. God has been restoring my life. He’s given me an amazing husband. I’m walking in my calling. My internal health has grown and there is still more that God is adding to my world. Don’t put a period where God puts a comma. I feel that’s what restoration is sometimes. It’s a continual thing. It’s constantly in motion, if you’re open to it. God is always adding blessings upon blessings.
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FAITH What would you tell someone who’s experiencing so much pain and loss they don’t think they’ll feel happiness again? I would say to someone who is in the place that I once was, “keep trying God.” Just because it seems so far from you, doesn’t mean it’s not in motion to happen. Keep believing in Him. Keep looking to Him. Keep doing the work you need to do to be whole. Whatever you do internally will show up externally. Take each day as it comes. Choose today to believe that your life can be different. Relieve the tension. Don’t put pressure on yourself to have a perfect life. Restoration is constantly in motion. I’m coming from 20 years of continual pain, rejection, loss, depression and suicidal thoughts. That’s not going to just come out of me in one year.
In addition to being a podcast host and speaker, you started an organization called Coffee and Prayer. What’s the purpose behind it? It’s a women’s organization that aims to equip women to be their best, empower them to live purposefully and inspire them to pursue God. I needed to create a safe space for every type of woman where we can talk about things that we don’t speak about in a Sunday service. And I wanted that space to be a place where every type of woman would feel comfortable, wherever you are in your walk with the Lord. That’s why it’s for everyday women. It’s for that woman who’s in a messy, dark place and is trying to figure it out or the woman that has it all together. I wanted it to be a community where we edify one another. So, we never have an event where I’m talking at the women. It’s always a conversation. Also, we don’t do our events in church buildings because I feel as soon as you’re in a church setting, you put up an automatic wall. I wanted to have it in spaces that were unconventional so that everyone can be free to be themselves.
“I will rebuild you, my virgin Isra You will again be happy and dan merrily with your tambourines.” —JEREMIAH 31:4 NLT
ael. nce
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LIFESTYLE
What Is ? 7 REASONS TO VIEW RELATIONSHIPS FROM A NEW PERSPECTIVE INTRO | Do we as a society have a false perspective of love? Founder of “I Do” Magazine, Felicia Buthelezi, helps to reshape our perspective of love from a string of euphoric moments to a long lasting partnership. INTERVIEWED BY DEVA WILLEMSE
Love is patient, love is kind…
Love is not enough! Yes, I know that is a bold statement, but in reality, love is actions over words, love is more than just a potent cocktail of emotions and euphoric moments. Love is about trust, respect, safety, happiness, retaining your sense of self and creating a fair partnership. Felicia Buthelezi, founder and editor-in-chief of the publication dedicated to celebrating marriage, ‘I Do’ Magazine, shares ways one can change their perspective on relationships and redefine love.
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HERE ARE 7 REASONS TO VIEW RELATIONSHIPS FROM A NEW PERSPECTIVE:
Remember, respect goes a long way. You’ve probably heard this many times, but respect goes a long way and it goes both ways. Reason number one: old habits die hard when respect is not in the equation. At times we expect our partners to meet the requirements from our list. But, your partner is there to uplift you, support you and love you unconditionally. Your partner is not there to fulfil a role you have in your psyche to satisfy your view of what a partner should be. We step into relationships with people from different backgrounds and people who have different views on power dynamics within a relationship, but a healthy relationship is based on the foundation of having mutual respect for each other. Remember, relationships have their ups and downs. “[My husband and I] made lots of mistakes,” Buthelezi said. We learned from them and then finally we got to a point where we understood the strong and weak attributes of each other. And now we approach life based on that. Not based on the fact that I’m a woman, and he’s a man. If you come with that mentality it doesn’t work.”
2 Allow your ‘list’ to be rewritten naturally. I posed the question to Mrs. Buthelezi, “How did you know that you met ‘the one’? What did your husband do that stood out?” Obviously, it’s important to have a list because it makes you certain about what you want. When you have a clear vision, you start attracting good things. That will naturally rewrite your standards, dealbreakers, and preferences because your framework is based on good and clear intentions. Generally you don’t find love, love finds you. The most organic relationships start because the best version of yourself attracts the best person for you when you least expect it. “When [my husband] came and spoke to me, there was this feeling that I wasn’t seeing him for the first time, Buthelezi said. “I still can’t explain that to another person…it just felt like home. I just knew this person. I recognized his voice.”
…love is more than just a potent cocktail of emotions and euphoric moments.
There is a difference between attraction and admiration. When we think of love, we envision cupid, roses, hearts, and all things lovey dovey. Love is a cocktail of emotions; it’s intoxicating. That’s why the phrase ‘love is blind’ is commonly used to describe the behavior of people in love. But, with every high comes sobriety. Buthelezi defines attraction as a feeling of interest, but she defines admiration as a deep feeling of respect you have for someone. When you admire someone, you acknowledge the greatest qualities the person carries. There is longevity in admiring someone because your admiration lies deeper than surface level attraction. There is no substance to attraction other than what the person presents physically. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be attracted to your partner, but when you admire someone, you start to appreciate the way they think, how they treat you and others.
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5 There’s no ‘I’ in team, but there is a ‘m’ and an ‘e’ ‘me’. Being in a relationship means that you’re in a partnership. But being in a healthy and successful partnership means balancing your togetherness and individuality. Retaining your sense of self is crucial to establishing a longlasting healthy relationship. ‘I Do’ Magazine’s slogan is “Healthy Marriage, Happy Home.” Buthelezi said, “How you define love and how you define home and family... are the things that build a healthy relationship; that’s the foundation. Long-lasting relationships are built between two partners and their individual personalities. It’s easy to feel lost and unfulfilled when you only live for your relationship because your partner’s goals and dreams become your goals and dreams. You forget that you were someone filled with ambition and dreams for yourself. A partnership works when both parties are independent, but their union is interdependent.
You forget that you were someone filled with ambition and dreams yourself.
Learn how to listen. We all know that communication is key. But oftentimes we fail to listen with understanding. It’s one thing to listen to someone, but it’s another thing to listen to them with intention. A healthy relationship requires selfless listening and calm communication. When you attentively listen to your partner, you show that you care and in doing so, you create a space for your partner where they feel heard. This allows you to be an empathic listener. Being in a relationship with another individual makes you vulnerable, and yes, that is a good thing! It can definitely be scary to allow someone to know your deepest thoughts, embarrassing moments, weaknesses, and strengths. That’s why it’s important to be an empathic listener because you have to ensure that you create a space where your partner doesn’t feel judged, but rather loved, supported and accepted within their vulnerability.
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6 Keep redefining the meaning of love. Most of us grew up wishing upon a star for our fairy-tale ending. We learned what “true love” was from Disney movies, but we’ve learned how to redefine the meaning of true love. Because there’s no prince waiting for you in a castle, there’s no fairy godmother to play matchmaker and there’s no love’s true kiss to wake you from a lackluster life. Redefining love makes you change your perspective organically. “When I was younger,” Buthelezi said, “romantic love was just a feeling and nothing more than that, but love is a verb”. Love is a continuous action and not simply an unconscious feeling of admiration and love for someone. Love requires work and sacrifice. That’s why we pursue love because we intentionally choose to go after the person we love and admire. So, when you redefine what love means to you and your partner, you find new ways to make the relationship exciting. You find new ways to love each other and most importantly, when you redefine love, it becomes unconditional.
7 Date night is a NECESSITY, not a luxury. Yes, it may sound a little dramatic, but date nights provide you with a break from your busy schedule. You need to create an environment to be yourself, to invest in yourself and to take care of yourself. We are too busy working, taking care of the household and making sure that everything is sorted, but we tend to neglect dropping everything and just going out to have fun with your partner. At times, date nights can become a luxury because we have other priorities and forget about the fun part of relationships. In some sense, keep the energy you had when you first stepped into the relationship. Life is about experiences, creating good memories and living in the moment.
Love is a continuous action and not simply an unconscious feeling of admiration and love for someone. Love requires work and sacrifice.
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ABIDE Highlights
ABIDE AFFIRMATION What I’ve lost is coming back to me tenfold. I let go of what no longer serves me in great expectation of what’s to come. God will bring me into a prosperous land with rivers of milk and honey. God will restore me better than He found me.
OUT WITH THE OLD. IN WITH THE NEW DEFINITION. The phrase suggests that in order to move forward, one must purge, remove or let go of one thing, with the expectation of gaining something else; Getting rid of old ideas or things and starting fresh with new ones.
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JOIN THE TEAM Our mission is to help translate faith into the christian woman’s modern lifestyle. We place faith in the context of wellness, style, beauty, relationships, money and career and general lifestyle for the modern woman. As a member of our team, you’ll work with us to carry out this mission. All positions are on a volunteer basis. Apply Here.
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“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” —2 CORINTHIANS 5:17 (KJV)
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