THE WHOLE SHEBANG excerpt by Jason Odell Williams

THE WHOLE

SHEBANG

a play by Jason Odell Williams (10 page excerpt)

AP SCIENCE Tommy and Kate walk into class in the middle of a lively (but not contentious) debate.

TOMMY Yet over ninety percent of scientists agree this is happening!

KATE Okay. What about when a hundred percent of scientists used to agree the world was flat?!

TOMMY That was thousands of years ago, they didn’t have the tools or technology // we do-KATE Or what about in the 1970s when everyone thought the world was cooling. Remember that?

No way! Carp - is that true?

Technically. Yes.

WENDY CARP Kate nods at Tommy like “See?”

WENDY ’S kinda like when butter was good for us, then bad for us, then good again? Like - make up your mind, Science!

KATE ...Not really. But this stuff happens all the time.

Like when else?

TOMMY

KATE Like 1934 - still the hottest year on record.

Only in the U.S. Not globally.

TOMMY

KATE Or during Medieval Times, global temperatures were just as high as they are now, and guess what? The Earth didn’t explode - we’re all still here.

WENDY Oh, oh, you guys! Have any of you been to “Medieval Times” - the restaurant? Jake took me once? It’s like Game of Thrones meets Boston Market. So fun! ...Back me up on this, Carp.

TOMMY

2.

CARP Okay, first - let me just say, I’m thrilled to see you all engaged and debating the issues. And clearly doing the reading. Makin’ momma proud! (She does a dorky dance move. The kids stare at her. She clears her throat. Moves to whiteboard) Now, in terms of rising temperatures - as a result of recent spikes, scientists have recorded trees in our area blooming or “greening” earlier and earlier each spring-Isn’t that a good thing? ...Is what a good thing?

KATE CARP

KATE If the trees are green earlier and longer, wouldn’t that mean they’d remove more carbon from the atmosphere through photosynthesis?

Yes. That’s true.

CARP

KATE So it’s almost like the Earth’s smart enough to self-correct.

CARP Okay, yes - Kate makes an interesting point. // However-KATE So Tommy: isn’t it possible that everyone who’s so certain about global warming is just “seeing what they want to see” in the evidence? Cuz it seems to me that in science, everything’s definitive ‘til it isn’t. So... why should I believe you now?

Carp is stunned briefly and is about to try a new tactic, when Tommy says...

TOMMY “However much you deny the truth, the truth goes on existing.” ...George Orwell.

Tommy gives a little nod, like a mic drop. Kate is impressed. Lights shift.

SCHOOL PARKING LOT Dusk, mid-December. Tommy (wearing a hat and a light jacket) sits surrounded by a few tools. He takes a hit off his vape. Kate enters, wearing a light jacket, holding a hammer.

KATE Hey, science partner! ...Can I get a hit off that?

3.

TOMMY Sure. It’s medicinal, though, so... not super strong.

KATE

Beggars can’t be choosers.

Tommy hands the vape to Kate.

TOMMY Where’s Wendy? She was supposed to be building the new door frame.

KATE Jake’s truck. (Makes air quotes) “Talking.”

Tommy nods as Kate takes a hit off the vape. Looks up at the sky.

KATE

Nice night.

TOMMY Yeah. Hard to believe it’s almost Christmas. Feels more like October. ...Hey, can I ask you a question?

...You just did.

KATE (exhaling)

TOMMY Oh - yeah. No, I mean - uh. All the arguing you do with me and Carp... you’re just trying to score points for participation, right? You don’t really think climate change is bogus, do you? ...Maybe I just like arguing with you.

KATE Tommy blushes. She hands back the vape.

KATE Or maybe I don’t like being told what to think. And isn’t that the whole point of school? To teach us independent thought?

TOMMY True... But who told you global warming wasn’t real?

KATE Um. My dad. My mom. Our Priest. Almost all of my science teachers before Carp-TOMMY Okay, okay - but like, weren’t they all just telling you what to think.

4.

KATE Yeah, but I trust them. I mean, my dad...? He actually worked in the fossil fuel industry. But Carp... like, who is she? What’s her agenda?

Sorry but... that’s a bunch of boloney.

TOMMY

KATE ...I think I figured out why you don’t have many friends.

TOMMY Hey, I believed everything my parents told me, too. But “trusting” your parents isn’t why you’re making such a big deal about the global warming stuff.

KATE Well then please - enlighten me, Obi Wan. Tommy gets excited - geeking out! From his back pocket he pulls out his well-worn paperback copy of The Denial of Death.

TOMMYF Okay, this is great - you’re gonna love this! So. (holds up book) Have you ever read Earnest Becker’s The Denial of Death?

KATE ...Is that what you do in your spare time - besides jerking off?

TOMMY ...No. Well, yeah, I guess - I mean about the spare time part, not the [jerking off] - doesn’t matter, the point is: Becker says our existence is just an elaborate distraction designed to keep us blissfully ignorant about our inevitable death.

Sounds bitchin’.

KATE

TOMMY It is actually. ‘Cause you getting all fired up about Carp. Or me obsessing over this Disaster Room that isn’t due for six months? These are just distractions. Something to occupy our minds, make us feel useful and significant and not totally suicidal about how we’re all gonna be worm food in a hundred years so what’s the point of anything.

KATE Cool. I’m gonna go stick my head in the oven.

TOMMY Wait, wait, wait - I’m not trying to bum you out-- I’m just saying: we’re all gonna die at some point. ...Right?

I will concede that point, yes.

KATE

5.

TOMMY So if we’re all gonna die, and don’t know when it’s coming or how it’s coming -- could be a fluke accident, a long drawn-out death, or some epic natural disaster that takes out everyone on the planet -- then there’s no reason to get upset about any of it. Especially with whatever Carp says.

KATE Of course you’re not upset - you agree with her.

TOMMY To some extent, but... I’m not as optimistic as she is.

KATE Seriously? Mister aluminum water bottle, reusable lunch bag, hand-crank radio that doesn’t use batteries, isn’t optimistic?

TOMMY Hey, I agree there’s a problem, and do what I can - recycle and what not, but... I’m not holding my breath for a miracle. Besides, the Earth’s gonna do what it’s gonna do, with or without our opinions. So... why fight it? Just lay low, do what you gotta a do to graduate. And in the meantime: have fun, ya know. Smoke some low-grade prescription weed with the awkward-butsecretly-cool-cuz-he’s-smart-and-funny-kid from Science class.

KATE ...You’ve been holding on to that one for a while, haven’t you?

TOMMY (nods) Never thought I’d actually get to say it to a girl, though.

Kate smiles. Good one. There’s chemistry. Lights fade on Tommy and Kate and fade up on Jake and Wendy sitting in Jake’s truck.

JAKE It’s a serious medical condition, babe. You can Google it. (Offers her his phone.)

WENDY I believe you...? But I’m still not gonna do anything about it. I mean - not right here in your truck.

We promised to wait till prom night.

That’s like six months away.

JAKE

WENDY But waiting will make it even better. Special.

JAKE ...They’re more purple than blue actually, but it’s for-real painful. I can show you!

His hands go for his zipper.

6.

WENDY

Don’t!

Right.

(stops)

Can’t you like... take care of yourself?

JAKE

WENDY

JAKE I’ve tried! Like, five-times-a-day-tried. It’s not the same.

WENDY How would you know it’s not the same? Have you...[had actual sex]?

JAKE No! No. Just... from what my cousin tells me. “Nothing beats the real deal.” He’s a total douche but - he lives in Cincey [Cincinnati] and gets tons of chicks.

Wendy nods, considering Jake’s “proposition.” Jake senses an opportunity and moves in for a kiss. But Wendy starts talking.

Why are we here?

WENDY

JAKE Cuz this is the only place we can have some privacy.

WENDY No - not here, here. But like - the bigger picture. You ever wonder why we’re here? (She makes a grand gesture to the world around her.) ...No.

JAKE He moves in again for a kiss. Wendy edges away and stops him.

WENDY This is exactly what I mean. Are we all here just to hook up and have babies so eventually they can run off into the world and hook up and have more babies and on and on and on?

You want to have a baby?!

JAKE

WENDY No - I don’t want to have a baby! ...Not yet anyways. But just.... Don’t you ever want more from life?

7.

What? Like money?

JAKE

WENDY Not just money. I mean... more. From life. I go to school, work at the DQ on weekends. Spend all my free time with you or on my phone. But like...what for? What’s my purpose?

JAKE ...You know, we don’t have to do it the usual way. We could do “Mormon.”

WENDY (batting him on the arm) Jesus! Were you even listening to me?

JAKE Yeah, totally! I thought that’s what you wanted - like a different way for us to... you know... “connect”?

Wendy lets out a long, weary sigh.

WENDY ...And it’s called “Mormon”? What even is that?

JAKE It’s where both the guy and girl keep all their clothes on, but like rub against each other enough to still enjoy it.

Does that work?

WENDY

JAKE Sure. It’s like a lap dance. For both of us.

Like a stripper?

WENDY Jake shrugs.

WENDY You want me to act like a stripper and give you a lap dance.

JAKE (sad, pathetic, a final plea) ...You don’t even really have to dance.

Lights fade on Jake and Wendy. Lights rise on Kate and Tommy.

KATE (a little stoned) I don’t know why you care what I think about our dumb class anyway.

8.

I mean, it’s not even a legit class like AP Physics or Bio. It’s “AP Science.” Like the sad, generic brand. (a brilliant, stoned discovery) ...We’re the Walgreens of AP classes!

Tommy sort of bobs his head, not answering. Kate crinkles her forehead at him.

Wait - why do you care what I think?

KATE Tommy shrugs. Kate’s mouth goes agape for a beat.

She punches Tommy playfully on the arm.

You. Like me!

KATE (a discovery) Tommy rubs his arm; it hurt, but he’s secretly elated she touched him!

Duh. Everyone likes you.

TOMMY (hiding embarrassment)

No. They don’t!

KATE

TOMMY Seriously? You’re like the coolest, smartest... prettiest girl in school. Why wouldn’t they like you?

I can rub some people the wrong way.

I don’t see how.

It’s a gift. (Smiles) Lucky me, right?

KATE TOMMY KATE

TOMMY Yeah, you are lucky.... Not about that - I mean. We’re all lucky, like metaphysically? Like. It’s pretty cool we get to even exist. On a planet that allows life - and a pretty easy life at that - where we don’t have to hunt for food, or worry about being hunted for food, where we all have cell phones and Netflix and Stranger Things.

Kate suddenly looks at Tommy, in awe. ...I love Stranger Things.

KATE

9.

...Eleven’s the best.

And Hopper’s such a badass.

TOMMY KATE They both nod seriously. Then they face off and quiz each other rapidly.

Doctor Who?

TOMMY

KATE Loving the new female Doctor. Lost in Space?

Binged it in two days. Rick and Morty?

Oh my god! “I’m Pickle Riiiiick!”

“I’m Pickle Riiiiick!” Yes! Oh! That show is the best!”

TOMMY KATE TOMMY KATE Kate and Tommy laugh. As it resolves they are sitting a little closer. Are they about to kiss? No, too early for that. They scoot / look away.

TOMMY Ya know, I, um... have this theory about why shows like that are so popular? It’s ‘cause deep down, we all secretly wish there was an escape plan if stuff really went sideways down here, ya know? Like, if Earth became completely uninhabitable wouldn’t it be awesome to just teleport to some distant planet or alternate galaxy?

KATE (smiling) I don’t know. I just think they’re cool shows.

TOMMY Yeah. But it’s deeper than that. (Looks up and out into the night sky) It’s like we can’t stand the thought of being alone in the universe. We need intelligent life to be out there.

KATE Okay, so. If intelligent life is really out there, why haven’t we heard from any aliens yet? And don’t say Roswell or Area 51.

10.

TOMMY Oh that’s easy. We’ve never heard from any aliens ‘cause once they evolve into intelligent life and hit their version of the Industrial Revolution...? They find a way to permanently screw up their planet and go extinct before we can meet them. ...Dark, man.

KATE

TOMMY It’s not dark, it’s just.... (Tommy looks up at the night sky. Happy-shrugs.) Maybe intelligent life isn’t meant to survive forever. Maybe it’s meant to collapse into chaos.

They regard each other. Small beat. Wendy and Jake walk over. Jake looks bewildered and satisfied.

Wendy is disheveled (hair and clothes mussed) but upbeat. She claps her hands once!

WENDY All right - Disaster Room Team! Whoo!! Let’s make some science!

Lights shift.